For the very first time ever, men helpfully tell women how to ‘turn them on’

At last! An article on the Internet in which men helpfully reveal to all us hapless womenfolk exactly what “turns them on”! Groundbreaking! A revelation! This is Brand New Information! Never before in my life have I read an article from a fashion or lifestyle rag that advises me on how to dress/do my makeup/style my hair/talk/walk/order food/live my life so that I can attract the attention of men.

Oh wait. Yes I have. All the time.

Yahoo’s “15 biggest beauty turnoffs from real guys” does women the valuable service of listing the particular “beauty” preferences of several first-name-only dudes of the Internet. And let me tell you, ladies: this list is filled with absolutely essential, objective, infallible information on what will turn off every single “real guy” on the planet.

A handful of the quotes seem like they wandered over from an article titled “Slightly messy or noisy habits that annoy your roommate,” like the one about how you shouldn’t leave strands of your hair lying around after brushing it, or how you shouldn’t walk around in your noisy high heels while your boyfriend is sleeping in the morning (after all, he’s not required to wake up early enough to tackle a demanding beauty regimen, so you’d best keep all that pretty-making at a low volume).

But the majority of the quotes from the “real guys”—those semi-anonymous saints, sent down from on high to inform us lowly broads how to best fulfill our most sacred duty of turning them on!—are all about how we need to dye our hair more often because our dark roots are simply offensive. Or how we need to get ourselves a manicure more often because the whole doing-our-nails-at-home thing just isn’t working for them.

It sounds like I’m going to need a better job. The expectations of these “real guys” means a lot more time at the salon, and all those dye jobs and manicures sure add up.

What would we hatchet-faced harridans do without anonymous men on the Internet to tell us what does and does not turn them on? How would we know that we must blow-dry our hair at night, but never in the morning? That we must forego extensions in favor of having touchably-smooth hair? That we must never, never, wear false eyelashes, lest we risk not looking like “regular people.”

Thank you, “real guys” of the Internet, for—yet again!—telling me what to do and giving me a really bad case of déjà vu.