Move over Patti Stanger: There’s a new matchmaker on the scene. No, this isn’t some feeble attempt to pay homage to the greatest maker of matches of all time: the inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly, may he rest in peace. (Dear God that man was a genius.) I’m referring, of course, to Siggy Flicker, VH1’s newest star of Why Am I Still Single?!, airing on Sundays at 9 p.m. Flicker, who the Village Voice referred to as “a hyper mix of Teri Hatcher and Sandra Bullock,” has spent years — 20, to be exact – creating a successful matchmaking business, recently gaining the attention of VH1 executives perhaps inclined to knock Stanger off her throne. With help from her team of “recruiters” (Victor, Chynna and Hayley) and stylists (the Moxie Twins, Jenn and Jamie Dunn), Flicker’s goal on the show is to help men and women find real love by helping them discover what they’re doing wrong so they can break the habits and behaviors that are keeping them single.
Flicker’s an interesting character, the type of woman you’d want as a best friend but who also might be slightly overwhelming at times. A fellow member of the tribe, she talks a mile a minute, hints of her Jersey accent peeking through occasionally, with a passion that’s clearly a prerequisite for those working in the matchmaking industry. Flicker and I caught up on the phone recently to discuss the show, her background, and the answer to that million dollar question: Why are you still single?
Like her passion for life and love, Flicker’s personal back story lends itself well to the business: After her first marriage with the supposed “perfect man” ended due to lack of chemistry, Flicker, two children to her credit, grabbed her proverbial bootstraps and put herself back into the challenging world of dating, determined to find a man with whom she had a real connection. Find that man she did: He’s a “bald, used car salesman,” Flicker says proudly and matter-of-factly. Together for six years and tying the knot next spring, Flicker feels fortunate that she abandoned the checklist because it led her to Michael ultimately. “For years, finding a mate was about making everyone else happy, dating the lawyer, the doctor, etc., but you can’t guarantee chemistry. I met Michael and fell madly in love.”
Flicker can thus relate to people’s dating struggles and that’s what makes her so appealing, both in her business as a matchmaker and a character on reality TV. “I know what it’s like to be out there starting over, but I also practiced what I currently preach,” says Flicker. She adds: “I could have stayed with my ex-husband, but I changed my attitude and got out with class and dignity and went searching for true chemistry.”
Attitude, contends Flicker, is what it’s all about. And finally, we get to the crux of the matter: The main reason people who don’t want to be single are still single is their attitudes. “Singles need to change their attitudes in life, they need to not have unrealistic expectations about people, and they can’t look at dating as a chore or burden,” opines Flicker. “This is not Iraq, for God’s sake, you aren’t losing your legs!”
Flicker also has some strong opinions about her more famous matchmaking counterpart Patti Stanger. “This is not Millionaire Matchmaker,” she says. “My show is not about money. I observe clients on dates to uncover their faulty patterns and help them understand what they are doing, and help them to find true chemistry.”
Flicker also practices in her business what she preaches to her clients: Finding the right fit. That’s why she turned down a slew of reality TV show offers before her current show on VH1, because they weren’t the right fit. “VH1 got it right,” says Flicker, maintaining for the umpteenth time that “it’s all about the chemistry.”
Flicker makes some great points, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t chime in on the discussion; after all, I’m one of the dating and relationship columnists for this magazine. I, Neely Steinberg, can offer you a simple explanation as to why you are still single … in eight parts (which reminds me of a great scene from Back to School, starring Rodney Dangerfield):
- You really do want to be single. Case closed.
- Because your actions don’t match your words. Refer to the ‘Know Thyself’ bullet point in my piece on the Kim Kardashian divorce for further explanation. Essentially, though, you are saying you don’t want to be single, but your actions in your love life prove otherwise (i.e. only dating unavailable men, etc.).
- You really do want to be in a relationship, but:
- Your standards are too high or low.
- Your expectations are too high or low.
- You are pursuing people with qualities that you want, without considering the qualities that you may actually need. In other words, you have this idea of what your perfect mate looks like; in reality, though, this type of person would be completely incompatible with you. For example, a Type A woman wanting to be with a Type A man. She may think she wants to be with someone powerful and in control, but she’d probably be better off with a man who displays more Beta qualities.
- You haven’t taken an honest self-evaluation, physically speaking. I have said before (in this piece) that while you absolutely need to be physically attracted to your mate, relationships should never be based primarily on looks. But, if you’re a 5, the chances that you’re going to land a 10 are less than if you pursued, say, a 7. Moreover, studies have shown that men and women typically end up with someone of a similar degree of attractiveness. Just look at couples around you to prove this theory. Note: the two exceptions to this are if you’re a rich and/or famous male, or you are a Game aficionado, like Neil Strauss.
- You don’t love yourself enough or you love yourself too much. If you have no respect or love for yourself, how can you expect another human being to love you? If you have an overly inflated ego, it’s likely you’re always after the next best thing. Note: IT DOESN’T EXIST.
- You are stuck in your ways and unwilling to compromise. A study from 2009 found that the optimal time for marriage is between 24 and 26 – a marital sweet spot, if you will. I actually disagree: Statistically speaking, the divorce rate goes down for those marrying after 30. But the study does make a salient point: The older we get, the more stuck in our ways we become, the less willing we are to compromise. Which is why the study says that 24-26 is ideal: It’s the time in your life when you are not too fixed in your habits and behaviors (and maybe not yet jaded by life) but also mature enough to handle commitment and all that comes along with marriage. Something to consider.
- You’re lazy. Love isn’t going to magically fall into your lap; you’re not going to be rescued by Prince Charming. I understand the wisdom behind the axiom that if you don’t go looking for love it will find you, but to an extent I disagree. You have to be active in your pursuit of love. Not desperate but active. For instance, you may be averse to online dating, but why not give it a shot? What do you have to lose? My mother always said: “Neel, you’re not going to meet anyone lying on your couch.” She was right. Sometimes you have to push yourself a little bit, even when you’re disheartened about the dating process.
- You don’t make enough time for your love life. I get it: We’re all busy nowadays with work, hobbies, friends, etc. But if you really do want a relationship, you have to make time for dating.
I could go on, but eight is enough. I am interested to hear your thoughts in the comments section below. Why are you still single? Why do you think others (your friends, family members, etc.) are still single? I look forward to hearing from you!