Part two of Ashley’s story.
Nearly two years ago, I knew my fairy tale wedding and relationship with him wasn’t meant to be. It took me another six months to actually do something about it, and understand what that meant – for me, him, us, and everyone else.
The actual conversation lasted less than 5 minutes. After 7+ years of a relationship, an impending wedding in less than 90 days and that was it. Impending… can you tell how I honestly felt about the event?
And while the details of our particular situation don’t really matter, I just want to say that – you’re not alone. That in between a break up and a divorce, there is a very important, messy and deeply emotionally invested grey area of premarital divorce.
In premarital divorce, you reap the benefits of a long-term relationship (splitting expenses like rent and cable, yet being independent enough to buy a new Marc Jacobs bag without thinking too deeply how this could potentially affect your future children’s’ college tuition), and the caveats of not yet being married. All of our sheets and flatware were courtesy of our own pocket. Except legally, we didn’t reap the benefits of a joint relationship like joint tax filings and health insurance.
I allowed myself to get caught up in chasing the dream, and superficially thinking that all of the bad/negative issues would subside with marriage. That the issues were only exacerbated by the wedding planning, and wouldn’t be as grave six months previous or prior to the main event.
“We” were great on paper. But there were fundamental life decisions that we disagreed on, and our commitment to the relationship (slash love) was not enough to conquer – his family, my insecurities and our life goals. Though, I believe deep down, it could’ve been. I can get into the dirty details (oh lord I would love to), but that doesn’t really matter; but I will be writing on the Dos and Don’ts of Dating a Momma’s Boy in the near future.
I had to come to terms with being a terrible person. I had to be ok with being the bad person in this for ending everything… because he was too complacent not to. I was blackballed by many friends, and people I valued as so-called-friends, who felt self-obligated to choose sides when everything turned to me vs. him. To emphasize, and to my knowledge, neither of us were combative in that nature.
But the moment he told me, “Thank you for having the courage to do something that I couldn’t do,” all bets were off the table. I wondered what he told his friends, his family – the people I had let into my life and personal comfort zone over the past 7 years.
And while I wondered what they thought, I have come to terms with not to care what they thought today. If they were critical elements of my life, I would still be interacting with them on a regular basis… except I haven’t. I haven’t reached out to them, and they haven’t reached out to me. I don’t have anything more to say on the topic, except if they were true friends, they would’ve been part of my support system today. And the fact that I have heard from less than a handful of them, speaks volumes as to what our relationship actually was, even after 7 years.
However, it was when “we” ended, and “I” began. And I guess I have nothing more to say, except sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same.
Sometimes, you have to make a big step into a decision that might polarize you as weaker or a bitch, but at the end of the day, no one else has the deep insights into your relationship.
Don’t let the weight of other’s opinions, or their expectations dictate your future.
Don’t get caught up in the sex appeal of planning a wedding, or living together. Especially if those events are a band-aid to the true happiness that you crave and deserve.
It might be terrible to swallow immediately, but think of it as a down payment for a happier future.