What’s happening folks!! This is Emma Rose Johnson here in my glamorous apartment in Boston, observing the Red Carpet. It’s not the Vanity Fair party, but it’ll do.

Blast Entertainment Editor Terri Schwartz is with me, and will be assisting the outpouring of snappy bon mots. Plus we’ve got a whole bottle of wine, so as the evening wears on, I’ll be more and more hilarious.

Ooh, they’re starting! Let’s watch!

8:30 p.m.: Hugh!!!! He’ll be better than Jon Stewart at this, maybe!

8:32: “Next year I’ll be starring in a movie called New Zeland,” – not bad, Hugh, not bad

8:34: Jackman’s made this The Tonys! Which means we may not fall asleep… this is already a thousand times more fun than any other awards show ever made.

8:38: I like that “scaled down” means Oscar’s cut out of paper.

8:41: Montage #1: supporting actresses…and the curtains don’t work. Man this is scaled down.

8:43: And now they’ve hauled them all out for the supporting actress award: Tilda Swinton says that they’re here welcoming another person into group…like a sorority, or a cult.

8:45: “It’s not easy being a nun.”- Whoopie might have one of the best lines of the night.

8:47: The winner is… Penelope Cruz!! Thought Viola Davis had it, but what are ya gonna do?

8:52: haha Jackman just yelled at the band. Teach you to cut people off.

8:53: Steve and Tina! What are you doing here? Excellent intro, and I like how they’re introducing the noms for best screenplay.

8:58: Dustin Lance Black is getting me all feclempt.

9:01: Simon Beafoy wins best adapted screenplay for “Slumdog,” hooray!

9:04: Animation’s next up- they’re getting the big stuff in early this year. I need to know when the technical awards are out so I can go get a pizza or something.

9:08: Wall-E: the only sure winner besides Heath Ledger.

9:10: domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Sank you.

9:16: The production design stage is very cool- I would love to have my apartment designed like this.

9:17: B.Button won for it’s fussy CGI design, yay.

9:19: Oooh, Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a pretty, pretty princess. And The Duchess won for costume design. It should have won for the giant blue hat with fox fur all over it alone.

9:22: Daniel looks hot, but really uncomfortable. B.Button wins for its admittedly awesome age makeup.

9:25: Pattinson is looking mad vampiric right now, but I think it’s just the lighting. Ooh, romance montage! It makes my heart sing!

9:27: ROBERT!!!!

9:28: To clarify, that outburst was for Downey, Jr., not Pattinson.

9:30: We will be back tomorrow to liveblog the interview with octomom’s lover.

9:32: At first I thought Stiller was supposed to be a rabbi, but he’s apparently having an existential crisis. It’s official- this is the greatest Oscars EVER.

9:34:Slumdog again, for cinematography- First India takes all our jobs, now they’ve taken all our awards. UPDATE: Stiller was being Joaquin Pheonix. Much funnier.

9:35: Jessica Beal is making CGI sound a lot more interesting than it is.

9:44:This short with Franco and Rogan is so much better than any montage they’ve ever done. Am I drunk, or is this actually a pretty good event?

9:48: One of my favorite things during this event is watching the announcers herd the winners off stage, sheepdog-style.

9:52:I wanna see Doubt: The Musical!

9:53: oh, it’s Vanessa Hudgeons wearing a ridiculous hat! This is absolutely The Tony’s with Beyonce. And I LIKE IT.

10:02: Supporting actor awards: I know you’re all sitting on the edge of your seat for this one.

10:04: Walken’s tie is crooked- it’s a direct representation for his state of mind.

10:04: Kevin Kline: a fitting memorial of Ledger…and he won. Of course. And wisely, his family, not Christopher Nolan will be accepting the prize. It is unexpectedly moving to see these lovely people- non-Hollywood people- take the stage for their lost loved one.

10:12: I really, really need Werner Herzog to win. I always need him to win. In everything.

10:14: Oh Bill Maher don’t be an asshole. Just give it to Herzog already.

10:15: Booo, Herzog didn’t win. But Man on Wire did, so it’s all good. But the question remains: Why is Bill Maher such a douche?

10:17: The documentary short winner is wearing a fabulous dress. And she made Maher go away. She is an American hero.

10:22: Post-production!! Editing, sound! The cool stuff! Actually this is code for technical awards, so not really, but they’ve got a car chase montage, so I’m a happy camper.

10:23: Will Smith just called Brad Pitt in B. Button a garden gnome. There’s really nothing else to say.

10:27: And the Garden Gnome creators have it!

10:29: It’s hard to call these, or judge the winners, because how do you judge tech awards if you’re not a techie? I only viciously critique art, thank you very much.

10:31: Let’s take a moment and thank Ms. Terri Schwartz for assisting me, giving the best quips of the evening, and lending me use of her computer. Thanks Terri!! In addition, Terri would like to take a moment to appreciate the Will Smith phrase “bat-like speed.”

10:35: Slumdog won for it’s bat-like editing!! I whole-heartedly support this judgement, as the editing set the whole tone for this movie. Yay Slumdog!

10:41: Can I just mention how wonderful it is to see the Slumdog crowd being chipper and enthused and acting like they’re genuinely happy to be there? I want them to win EVERYTHING.

10:42: Eddie Murphy is really not great at this presenting thing, what with his eyes following the teleprompter and what-not. Ironically, Jerry Lewis, who’s getting the award he’s presenting, would be a lot better at presenting his own award.

10:45: I’m glad Anne Hathaway’s in the front row- I just like looking at her.

10:47: Why is it that Jerry Lewis can mug for the cameras and I don’t find it irritating? All of you have to see “The King of Comedy” the Martin Scorcese film. Lewis is wonderful in it.

10:53: They’ve done the pretty muzak, and now…Slumdog’s won again!! A.R. Rahman is GOD.

10:55: I expected Rahman to be strange and elusive, but he’s actually chubby and adorable.

10:57: And now the stage is filled with Bollywood dancers, and the wine I’ve been drinking is warming me inside, and John Legend is singing the song from Wall-E, and for once I actually wish I was in the Oscar’s audience.

10:59: We’ve decided that the medley they just performed should win Best Song.

11:02: I want A.R. Rahman to be my boyfriend.

11:05: I can’t believe we only have five awards left. And my beloved Freida Pinto is announcing foreign film with my beloved Liam Neesan… And it’s Departures, a Japanese film I’ve not yet had the pleasure of seeing.

11:08: Sometimes people who only speak broken English can say something in it’s most basic form, and it says everything you need to know. The director of “Departures.”- “I am very happy. I am here because of film.”

11:10: Terri says that Queen Latifah looks like a little present.

11:12: I really love Latifah’s song- this actually makes me sad. We had a lot of big deaths this year, a lot of wonderful talent, and a lot of potential lost…Wait no memorial for Heath Ledger? Did they consider his win the memorial? A little awkward to say the least.

11:20: Director awards people, sit up and pay attention! This is basically an early prediction of who will win.

11:20: And it’s Danny Boyle!! I feel bad for Gus Van Sant, but- oh, damn, Boyle just jumped up and down like Tigger!!! It’s because he’s just realized that he’s never going to have to worry about work again.

11:24: All right, babies, we’re near the end of the line. Best actress up next: Will Anne Hathaway snatch the award away from Kate Winslet?

11:28: Sophia Loren: Goddess of Destruction

11:31: And, yes, it’s Kate Winslet. She should win, but not for “The Reader.” Ah well, cest la vie. I have a feeling that her lovely speech is going to be in furture montages. Now on to the lads!

11:37: They’ve got a good line-up for the actor fraternity- De Niro, Adrien Brody, Michael Douglas…Richard Jenkins thought bubble: “You googled me?”

11:41: Wait people, stop: WHERE is Jack Nicholson???? Has someone checked on him?

11:43: OH!!!! And it’s an upset, with Sean Penn taking the award from favorite comeback Mickey Rourke! (Terri just made me go deaf by screaming in joy).

11:45: Penn is quite humble, and gave an awesome shout-out to Rourke. Excellent job, you commie, homo-loving sons of guns.

11:48: It’s a montage of the past genre films that influenced the current nominees- a rather inspired idea, actually.

11:52: All right kids, hold on to your hats: And, to no one’s surprise, it’s Slumdog Millionaire! Part of kinds hoped for an upset, but I love that movie so much, I’m a happy girl. Oh, god, they have adorable children on stage! This whole cast and crew look like just about the nicest people you could ever meet.

Well that was deeply satisfying, wasn’t it? Generally what was expected in terms of winning, though I have to say I was really hoping that Rourke and his chihuahuas would win. I’ll post a longer follow-up tomorrow on my thoughts. And now: bedtime!!

About The Author

Emma Johnson is a Blast Magazine critic whose work has appeared in The Boston Globe

7 Responses

  1. Liz

    Good onya Hugh Jackman. That man was born to be on stage. Just goes to show…if you want a job done right HIRE AN AUSSIE!

  2. Barbara Trimmer

    Sophia Loren looked like an advert for the benefits of dying young. It was a good show – didn’t seem to be happening in slo-mo under water. Good commentary. Are you sure just one bottle of wine was involved????


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