But all kidding aside about bad special effects and horrendous dialogue, the film’s saving grace is the scene between Bella and Charlie as she’s preparing to run from James. Beautifully acted by both Stewart and Billy Burke, Charlie’s hurt and desperation are understated and authentic, and Stewart’s physical acting was very good. Hands-down the best moment of the film, it is also the only one during which I couldn’t feel a smile at the corner of the my lips.

In fact, Kristen Stewart’s performance as Bella is impressive in general. Not because she stayed true to the books, but rather because she managed to give a little personality to a flat (or at least obnoxious) character and with a lot less narration than I’d feared. Granted, Bella was fairly dull at times, but at times she had a touch of Juno-cool and a few of her well-delivered one-liners made me crack a smile when I was supposed to.

The supporting cast was quite good as well, with the notable exception of Jackson Rathbone’s Jasper, whose every scene is laugh-out-loud funny. From the first moment we see him, his face is screwed up in this bizarre “Did I just fart?” expression that doesn’t quite say “I’m in pain because of the humans” so much as it does “Maybe if I just stand here, no one will notice.”

The rest of the vampire crew was dull verging on decent. Despite his horrendous makeup, Peter Facinelli gave an okay performance as Carlisle, the humanitarian vampire doctor. Elizabeth Reaser as Esme was slightly more memorable than her character, which was probably a result of her having a face and one odd line about “Italiano.” Nikki Reed as Rosalie wasn’t beautiful so much as unexplainably bitchy and I’d have liked to see Kellan Lutz’s Emmett have a bigger part; his wave hello with the knife was one of the few intentionally funny moments that worked.

Cam Gigandet’s James and his merry band of vampire friends gave some of the best acting of the film; the scene on the boat, for instance, was pretty well done, and James absolutely stole the show in the ballet studio.

The human (or seemingly human) cast of Forks – Mike, Eric, Jessica, Angela, and Jacob – were a blast. While Angela was vaguely forgettable, Mike, Eric, and Jessica each had great moments and they managed to accomplish what Meyer didn’t in the books; that is, they make the human life that Bella gives up appealing. And as long as the adorable Taylor Lautner continues being adorable, he’ll make a wonderful Jacob if they do make a second film.

So, what’s the verdict?

Everything about the technical direction, from the melodramatic and out-of-place “300”-style cinematography to the unbearably corny score, was just plain bad. And those two elements alone are nearly enough to make “Twilight” an unwatchable film.

But it’s Edward and Bella’s dialogue that pushed it over the edge. Not once was the acting, the lovely set design, or the occasional funny one-liner enough to stop me from cringing at bad line after bad line after bad line. If Hardwicke & co. had rebranded the film as a satire, they wouldn’t have had to change a thing; the forced, uncomfortable delivery of mushy-gushy lines ripped straight from the book is simply unbearable. While the film has its good moments, overall it is simply not adapted enough from the novel and the direction and acting suffers because of it.

So, my advice? Go into the theater expecting a comedy and you’ll have a great time.

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About The Author

Kellen Rice is an editor-at-large. You may love her or hate her. Follow Kellen on Twitter!

179 Responses

  1. SS

    I cannot believe Rob agreed to do a movie as cheesy as twilight. I have watched his other movies (in which he has certainly done a good job, especially his indie movies) and I can safely say that he was nowhere close to his best in this one.
    I can hardly blame him for that; the character is so unrealisitc and the dialogues are cringeworthy, no wonder he looked out of it.

  2. Catherine

    In the end, it always comes down to the lines.

    Much of the dialogue is cheesy enough when you read it on paper – it’s many, many times worse when actually spoken aloud. I don’t think anyone would have made the lines from the source material (especially the “do I dazzle you?” line, which was mercifully cut – unless you are a diehard fan, of course) sound believable and lacking in cheese.

    I wonder how many outtakes there are because of people giggling while trying to say their lines.

  3. Michelle

    The glitter and the lines are all SMeyer’s fault. Not Robert and Kristen’s. She insisted on certain things, including the glitter. Poor Robert.

    I did love the movie, though.

    You chagrin me, Kellen Rice.

  4. Jen

    Great review. I haven’t seen it yet–I’m allergic to teeny boppers–but I’m planning to. I hope to have the lowest of the low expectations so that I wind up enjoying myself.

  5. Cactus Berry

    Brilliant. Cheered me up. And it is so true about Twilight being a comedy…I was cracking up the entire time!

    Also, Bella finding out Edward was a vampire because of his pale complexion (among other reasons) was the highlight for me…

    ..YOU’RE THE SAME SHADE!!! Morons.

  6. sindrome

    Great review. I haven’t seen the movie and don’t plan to, but I’m still cracking up over the “this is the skin of a killer” line. I mean, gawd. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the dialogue could achieve this level of fail – it was that bad and worse in the books.

  7. Heather

    Oh, Ms. Rice, you are hilarious! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time as I did reading your spot-on review–and I’m one of those normally intelligent 30-somethings that find the Twilight Saga a guilty pleasure. AND I actually liked the movie. Why? Maybe because I went in with low expectations as I always do with a book to movie adaptation and my sense of humor was such that I enjoyed all the schlock? Maybe because I, like Meyer apparently, am a product of a bizaare combination of interests from Star Wars and Justice League of America to Anne of Green Gables? The movie was not really all that different that going to watch Spiderman or Superman, one just needs to go in with a huge suspension of disbelief and then hunker down for a couple of hours of drug-free escapism.

  8. Kayleigh

    I can’t believe they decided to keep the “You’re my brand of heroin” line. Honestly, that’s worse than “Do I dazzle you?” in my opinion (though not by much).

  9. Lauris

    I agree the movie was unintentionally funny. My friends and I laughed the whole movie. When you go to see this (or any book based movie) you have to have low expectations. I have to say the adaption of Twilight rates far higher than Eragon’s in my opinion. (Don’t even ask me about Eragon. I have no kind feelings toward that movie.) At least Twilight made up for the cheesiness in hilarity.

  10. Kayla Rae

    I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I have a friend who told me all about it. She said it was the cheesiest and dumbest thing she has ever seen. Your review was hysterical and I loved it. It is by far the funniest bad review I’ve read.

  11. Roxana

    You know, I read Cleolinda’s recent entry in her Movies in Fifteen Minutes community for this movie, and I thought she made up the line that goes, “This is the skin of a killer.” I doubled over laughing, and I laughed even harder now that you confirmed it to be true.

    It’s just as she said before, “Twilight means never having to say you’re kidding.”

  12. lica

    OMFG! you forgot to mention the sound effects that came with the glitters!! we were like.. “are those… (insert horrified-slash-trying-hard-not-to-laugh-out-loud face here)…chimes???” LOL

  13. charitee

    OHEMGEE. im a true twilight fan, but omg, twilight the movie was absolutely HILARIOUS. i’m pretty sure my friend and i pissed off the people next to us because we couldn’t stop laughing throughout most of the movie…like you said, the cinematography was TERRIBLE; the soundtrack was not only cheesy, but misplaced as well; and the dialogue just killed me. like someone said, the dialogue was bound to be madd cheesy just because it was already ridiculously cheesy when written, let alone spoken. anyways, you are pretty much spot-on on everything.

    again, the movie was definitely unintentionally SUPER hilarious [and in that respect, entertaining], but my goodness was it terrible.

  14. Enrica

    Some other really funny lines from the movie were:

    [After jumping out of his window and landing on a tree with Bella on his back] Edward: Hold on tight, spider monkey.

    [After some really cool thing Emmett did in the baseball scene (I can’t remember what exactly)] Rosalie [to Bella (I think)]: That’s my monkey man.

    I mean honestly can anyone write lines worse then there? Where the hell did all the monkey crap come in?(Or maybe the whole thing was supposed to be funny, I don’t know…) But otherwise I did find the movie very hilarious, and in fact I was one of the lucky people who kept their expectations low and ended up actually liking it a lot.

    But I have to agree, the “So the lion fell in love with the lamb” line very cheesy but in the scripts defense they had changed it but Stephenie Meyer insisted on the lines being put in so that her “fans” would not get mad about it.

    All together, I think this review was amazing, you hit so many true point that I’m sure others would have missed. The one on Jackson’s acting though…..well, I suppose he wasn’t acting his best (I thought he looked constipated the whole movie) but is it really possible to act well with a mob like wig on your head? Haha. And I actually thought Rob did a pretty good job, not many could of gotten what Edward should of been like so I give him credit for trying his best and almost being perfect:]

  15. Katy

    I agree with you 100%.
    When my friends and I walked out of the movie, we were all on the same page – the movie was bad.
    But, at school the next day I was met with them saying, “You know, after thinking about it, the movie was actaully really good.”
    I don’t understand this.
    The movie was, as you said, hilarious and it was so ridiculous that maybe that’s why it got the reviews it did.
    The make up was bad, the action was bad, the lines were bad, and the overworked, ‘i’m going to throw up’ look Rob gave us the ENTIRE movie was bad.
    I laughed throught the whole thing and yes, his glitter just made him look sweaty. My favorite part was the sound effect to the glitter – whenever the sunlight hit him, there was this charm sound.
    I’ve always been a Jacob Black fan because Edward always seemed too good to be true, but now after your reviews on the books and movie, I’m seriously considering my like for Twilight. I can’t remember the appeal to it anymore.

    You speak the truth. Thank you this.

  16. Bweb

    Your observation about Jasper’s expression almost makes me want to go see it again, just so I can have that thought in mind every time he comes on screen. Hahaha.

    I agree – I enjoyed it more for its accidental comedy than the story itself. Though there were parts I guiltily enjoyed, like Edward’s fancy car moves. Also, I don’t know if it was intentional or if it’s just Robert Pattinson’s acting, but I sort of like how Edward seemed more like a creature. Not just dazzle personified, who happens to be a vampire. The movie seemed to give both Bella and Edward actual character, or at least it seemed so to me.

    Jacob is adorable. I only hope they don’t make a movie out of Breaking Dawn, because no amount of adorableness will prevent my disgust towards his relationship with Nessie.

    Thanks for the review. It gave me a good laugh, and a sense of relief that there are still some sane people out there. (The only thing worse than Edward’s lines might have been the girls screaming in response to them in the threatre.)

  17. karla

    humm..i agree with you..i spend the whole movie laughing, thanks to my friends.

    yes ,peter facinelli´s make up was horrendous and i had the felling that edward´s face always looked weird. i do think Kristen Stewart did a pretty good job as Bella.And jasper´s face was just lol!
    that part where emmet waves with the knife!!!!!XD

    To be honest i do like the books, however i was reading your reviews and well you are right, the relationship between edward and bella is just kinda sick. i mean New Moon is a litlle depressing…no one should fall that deep for a guy.
    just like katy said:
    I’m seriously considering my like for Twilight.


    Honestly just by your bias review I ACTUALLY LIKE TWILIGHT EVEN MORE !

    It’s really sad people like you even exist ! I’ve ONLY HEARD GREAT THINGS ABOUT THE BOOKS AND THE MOVIE !!!


  19. Kass



    • The Composer

      Really late with this comment, but whatever.
      Let’s see, abuse of caps lock, and no defense of the movie whatsoever. You say that people can’t “SHIT ALL OVER THE MOVIE,” but why not? The only things good about it were that it was hilarious and that the ballet scene was mildly exciting. So next time, if you’re going to jump to the defense of a crappy movie, do try to find something to actually defend it with and not sound like a pissed off ten-year-old.

      To the author: I love all of your articles about Twilight. They’re much better written than the actual book 🙂

  20. saicho_18

    lol. i agree, the sparkles were nowhere near enough. XD

    but yeah, the movie was kind of bad. but at least it was nowhere near the stinkiness of the book. i especially loved your opening lines; genius 😀

    5..4…3…2…1..aaaand the twilight fans have sniffed out this particular review and are now out for blood. fun. XD

  21. Emily

    If you didn’t like the book, then why did you see the movie? Just to do this review? You met as well have watched it with a closed mind. No matter what, your review would have been impossibly negative.

  22. Alexx

    Okay, first off: “Beware my shins, for they are murderous!” LMAO!
    I can’t get over that, just like “You better hold on, spider monkey.” All I thought was, WTF?

    I’m a Twilight fan, by the way, and yes, I am a 17 year old girl. Don’t stereotype the 17 year old Twilight fan named Alexx, she will think the worst of you.

    I’m currently doing a Twilight Movie/Book Comparison for this Book Club I’m in (whatever), and I’m being very, very critical. Yes, the movie did have its moments (good and bad), but I believe that it’s a very good movie for a Twilight book adaption.

    There were a lot of parts that made you laugh, but I didn’t laugh at those parts…hmm…I must be missing some programming…

    Edward’s “sparkle”? I was looking around,wondering, What are people seeing? I didn’t see it…hardly. I liked the idea of seeing his chest though. (Oh, for the love of…>.<)

    “This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”
    My thoughts on you bringing up this line is simple: Edward said that when Bella said, “You’re beautiful.”, because he wants to believe he’s a monster. He’s self-loathing himself, you know.

    My favorite line was this:
    Edward: “But you, your scent…it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”
    SQEAL! Pretend you didn’t hear that… ^_^;

    Watching Twilight reminded you of creating a spoof of 300? WTF? I didn’t even want to watch that movie (just the trailers), but all I have to say is, huh?

    I was skeptical of Robert Pattinson being Edward Cullen when they announced him, but I gave him a chance. And you know what? I think he was a good Edward, consipated faces aside. The script is what got me, so much crap was changed! I was like, ok, direct quotes from the book during the meadow scene was good, but they just totally twisted most what was said in the book around, dear lordy! Rob’s little performance as Edward at the beginning, “First Sight”, was a little over the top. I mean, it was weird to see him like that and I get that he’s resisting the urges, but…I have no words for it. The staring part, I liked , though…I guess I’m a freak that way.

    On a final note, I’d like to laugh at the dumbasses who have the audacity to flame online.

    My comments on these two idiots (OMG, I love doing this! ^^):

    New Twilighter Says:
    “Honestly just by your bias review I ACTUALLY LIKE TWILIGHT EVEN MORE ! It’s really sad people like you even exist ! I’ve ONLY HEARD GREAT THINGS ABOUT THE BOOKS AND THE MOVIE !!!

    Okay…Let people have their opinions, you dickhead. Oh,and by using uppercase, you have


    Sweet mother of pearl. *rolls eyes* Using uppercase is considered shouting online and therefore rude. Didn’t you know that? Well, now you do.

    Quoting you, (*shock*) it’s really sad that people like YOU exist.

    Kass Says:


    Again, the shouting…
    What the fuck? “You can’t go out of the stupid norm for vampires”!? “So they sparkle who gives a shit”!? ” “There were some lines in the movie that were chessy so what”!? Is this little person serious?

    This Twilight fan is obviously delusional and I can’t help but be sad for them.

    I hope you enjoy my opinions, because I sure as hell enjoyed writing them! ^_^

    I enjoyed reading your opinions, by the way.


  23. Rochelle

    I find it funny that you took the time to go see a movie that is based on a series of books you so adamently declare to be against. Lame. Get a life.

  24. Anita

    Well, I didn’t watch the movie yet, so I can’t agree or disagree. I can’t imagine Robert acting bad, though. He’s such a good actor. I think you shouldn’t blame him for cheesy lines. The book is full of it and people have this words tattooed on their bodies, so they couldn’t change it in the movie. I think it’s the character. Edward is overreacting all the time so Rob had to portray exactly that.

    I think, though, as a Twilight-Hater, you should not write a critic about the movie. You can’t stay objective. Just people who liked the book should critic the movie-adaption. When they say it’s bad, then it might be.

  25. Leah

    I have to say that I am probably the most indecisive twilight fan you will ever meet. The books and the movie I just wasn’t sure that I thoroughly liked. I’m pretty much under the impression that I do have some affection for them since I keep buying the books. But for some reason I LOVE your reviews!! I find myself agreeing with every single thing you write and LMAO while I’m at it! (However I didn’t get your 300 comment, as someone I’m sure has already witten). This accidental comedy did pass my criterion but I’m not sure that I wasn’t just distracted by the actors in the movie. As my friend said as we walked out of the theater “How can we fairly evaluate the cinematic value when they stuff so many hot guys in one movie? Don’t they know that it clouds the judgement of 15 year old girls like us?”

    and I wouldn’t worry about all the comments referring to the whole “eyes wide shut” thing some think you have. Only a person truly on the fence can really understand what you mean AND still enjoy the cheesiness of twilight.

  26. Heather


    I was a Twilight fan. Then Breaking Dawn came out, and all hell broke loose. I am a die hard “Dark Sider,” I have 5 anti Breaking Dawn youtube vids (under the name JAMaddict, in case you care) and I became part of the anti SM movement when her actions went from childish to just plain ridiculous. (“No! I’m not going to write Midnight Sun now! I’m going to take my typewriter and go home!” Apparently now girls on tv, Bella AND SM stomp their feet when angry.)

    I see you are getting a few “you decided you weren’t going to like it before you even went thatsnotfairomg!” comments. Oh, whatever. I went in knowing it was going to be mediocre. So what. I think the reason the hard core fangurlz were able to love it so much is because the stars in their eyes make the sparkles so much more pronounced. 🙂 When I reviewed it I had to admit that it didn’t suck as much as I had hoped. I liked Rob’s offhand “since I’m going to hell” comment in the parking lot- it was possibly the most genuine line in the entire movie.

    Where I deviate from almost every other reviewer is that I wasn’t that bothered by the lion/lamb exchange. We all knew it was going to be in there. It’s really one of the iconic lines from the book. I also thought they should have thrown in the stupid, shiny volvo owner. And how did they manage to NOT include the line about twilight being the saddest time of day and give at least 30 seconds to the idea of existing forever and how hard that is for the vamps and how they don’t really *know* if they have souls. I mean, they NEEDED at least the Twilight line for the title to make any sense to non-readers. And we had so much boring, pointless stuff- I’m amazed that they missed such important parts. And really- they didn’t even manage to nail the Eddie/Bells relationship as strongly as they should. It just felt like they tried to do too many things, and didn’t do any of them justice.

    Anyway, good stuff. I lurve you for referencing Cleolinda. That girl is so funny, I want to have her babies.

  27. Teresa

    It takes a particular level of shallow to find the entire movie funny if you’ve read and liked the books. I admit there were some funny parts, such as Charlie and the gun, etc, and that other parts might SEEM funny due to bad directing and a low budget.

    I agree the Director did not do the book justice. The screenwriter was even worse. But the actors did a fine job portraying the characters as they were in the books. You’d have to read the books, and know the minds/feelings of the characters to understand properly what they were portraying in the movie.

    No, the relationship between Edward and Bella is not sick. It’s simply something you rarely see in our shallow, pretentious, unbelieving world of today. They are TRUE soul mates, not just the pasty, shallow representation of it we see in today’s world.

    The book has much deeper themes than just a Vampire/Human romance. It’s about acceptance of others, how human beings can love more than just one, but perhaps not as deeply as their true soul mate. The books also explore pacifist/predator issues, cultural differences and how to get along in spite of them, etc.

    The shallow people who see Jacob and Renesmee’s “imprinting” as a pedophile relationship need to get their minds out of the gutter. The book made clear that this relationship is not of that sort whatsoever. The relationship keeps the door open for more books in the future.

    Breaking Dawn, by necessity, was pretty bizarre and graphic, but the story couldn’t be told really any other way and be half-way believable.

    And that’s my .02 from one of those “middle-aged midnight movie attendees”.

  28. Andie

    You know, at first I actually liked the movie (It was more than I expected, ok?*) but after your review? Oh gawd no. The only reason I liked the movie was because I didn’t catch those “oh to cheesy” lines. But now? You are so right Ms Rice.

    *Although, I didn’t like the camera work from the very begining. Yes, the landscape was breath taking. Did they portray it in the right way, or even close to the right way? NOPE!

    Now, the reason I didn’t catch those lines? (This is accually kind of funny) Well, I ended up going to the movie with eigth other friends, and well, we weren’t very quiet. Well, one of us wasn’t. “Oh my god! Is he wearing eye liner!?” Blurted out loudly at Edward’s first head shot. “That’s not sparkley! This is stupid!” “That tree was dead! I could have torn it out of the ground!” Those lines, and many more, created a ripple of laughter in our room (I even caught some kids and parents in the row above and below us laughing as well) which made the movie even funnier.

    In summary, you are so right about this whole… cultural phenomenon.

    Ms Rice, I would like to marry you.

  29. Ali

    I have read all of your reviews on the books and the movie and I must say they are spot on. You said what I was feeling while reading the books, especially the latter 3. I haven’t seen the movie, but after reading your article I may, for I could use a laugh.

  30. Arnesh

    I’m a twilight fan and I actually enjoy the movie, but what you said about Jasper part likee “Did I just fart” expression on his face, it was so funny, i can’t stop laughing…. good job

  31. Gheza

    I haven’t seen the film yet (they’re still not showing it in my country), but I expected something similar to what you described.
    I laughed when I read the books (they were very stupid) so I thought the movie would be hilarious. I’ll see it anymay.
    I thought the same about Jackson Rathbone’s face, I’m still laughing at it.

  32. Jezza

    It doesn’t make sense to say that you need to like Twilight to be able to review a movie objectively.

    No movie reviews are objective.

    We don’t need them to be.

    We know Twilight is shit, so it’s just enjoyable to see people tear the movie a new one in a hilarious way.

    Twilight: People who can’t write, writing for people who can’t read.

  33. Alina

    loved all your reviews, a couple more points on the movie:

    I was surprised at how it failed on a technical level. In the Phoenix scene at the begining they use cool green/blue filters on the camera. Why? This was the only scene that they could have coloured in reds/oranges and made hot and dry.

    The makeup…yikes! So much for inhuman beauty.

    Don’t agree about the ‘Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon’ flying scenes. It seemed like they were frozen in a dead man’s float and were just digitally bobbing around in the trees.

    I was really disappointed that the fighting couldn’t have been made more animalistic. I wanted to see snarling and feline movement. But I guess that was beyond the acting capabilities of the vampy vampires, and far beyond their cgi budget.

    Movie was salvaged for me by not taking it seriously, laughing uproariously at every opportunity and treating it as an unwitting comedy.

    Hope you keep reviewing this ongoing saga!

  34. Robert

    I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on both the books and the movies. I have to admit that I hadn’t actually heard of these books until my younger sister demanded that we go see “Twilight” while visiting my folks for Thanksgiving. So we went to the movie, and we both started laughing throughout the whole “experience.” She is a huge fan of the books, but it’s a lot of fun to make her laugh by making fun of the 30 minutes of the film that is entirely the two main characters gazing longingly into each others’ eyes.

    Having said that, I have to admit something. After going to the movie, my sister gave me her copy of “Twilight” and asked me to read it. She said I’d probably enjoy it as long as I didn’t take it too serious.

    And I did enjoy it. It was complete fluff, but it was a simple and interesting read. She also had the rest of the books with her, so I read the rest of them while staying with my parents for the holidays. They were interesting, though the weakness of Bella and the creepy-factor of Edward made me chuckle during the process of reading them.

    So I guess I’ll end up going to see the rest of the movies. But I’ll definitely look for your review of the following movies. I’ll probably still enjoy the movies, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to both enjoy AND laugh at something. I, at the very least, can have complex reactions for what will probably be very simple films.

    …though I’ll be looking for the chimes next time when we see vampire skin in the sunlight. 😉

  35. Connor W

    Vampires are really gay

    Glittery vegatarian Vampires are even lamer

    this series sucks

  36. Ameryl

    LOL, I like the opinions blogged here I mean seriously, I am a Twilight fan but when I read the article ‘Twilight Sucks…and not in a Good Way’ I considered the reason on why I find any appeal in the series. I have recognised some serious problems in the series. The movie wasn’t so bad but it seemed like the filming was a bit rushed. I honestly think the series sends a terrible message to young girls, especially New Moon. I didn’t even think such depression was possible in one book such as that. But anyways, we are talking about the movie here…but anyways, I support Kellen’s opinin all the way : )

  37. Alicia

    I just read all of your articles on Twilight (books, Midnight Sun, movie, etc.)
    One word: FINALLY!!
    My best friend and I have been bashing these poor excuses for literature (in a freakishly identical manner to yours) for a while now and haven’t been able to find someone with our same opinion until now.
    These reviews make the abundance of screaming tween girls I see every day a little easier to tolerate. Just because I know someone else out there despises them just as much as I do.

    The part in the movie that made me the most mad (besides Pattinson’s not-so-sneaky cover-art apple catch and sweat glitter) was when Stephenie Meyer acted as an extra in her own film. Just wondering if you caught this (cafe/diner scene ring a bell?) and, if so, how mad it made you.

    I’ve fallen so deeply in love with your writing style and perfectly-voiced opinions.
    Wonderful work! 🙂

  38. Samuel

    I went to see with my girlfriend Alexa (who had to take her 6 little itty bitty cousins, who are aged from 9 to 14) and we both left the movie IN PAIN because were laughing so hard at the result of the campy dialouge, lack of any talent from the main cast, and the awesome Emmett (*waves with knife*).

    Some of the lines were just plain stupid (what was with all the animal refernces?) and Alexa’s cousins was really pissed at the lack of *sparkly-sparkleness* of Edward. One such young one, Macy, said (and I quote) “Ewwwwwww why is that guy all sweaty? Yuuuuuck!” I could not agree with her more. For someone who is supposed to shine brillianty, he failed. Brilliantly!

    What really peeved me about the movie were several stupid choices Edward made concerning Bella. One such example is when HE IS WATCHING HER SLEEP. Ew. This was long before they had engaged in any real interaction or conversation. If I done that to Alexa (or any other girl for that matter) you bet my butt would be in the county jail by now. But because a mythical creppy sweaty vampire does it, I guess that makes it okay.

    Another thing- after Bella is nearly RAPED notice that Edward does not take her home, he does not ask her if she is alright (if he did I missed it), he instead takes her out for pasta. What the hell? Get that poor girl home, where she’ll be (relatively) safer.

    And what is with his contradictory behaivor? First he is sickened by her (that is what it looked like in the movie), then he turns nice, turns into a jerk, nice guy, jerkwad, nice guy, jerkwad… there are actual girls who want THAT guy as their boyfriend? Oy vey. And Bella puts up with that? Why?

    The “humans” were my absolute favorites in the movie. Mike was such a goof and so funny. (Now why did Bella not go for that? Admittedly he is immature, but damn is he hilarious!) Angela was a great girl (though could she eat something? Please?) and Charlie (in my opinion) stole the show. The parts with the pepper spray and rifle made me dissolve into fits of absolute laughter.

    In short, I was rooting more for the *minor* characters rather than for the two cow-eyed albinos. But thats just me.

  39. lisa


    Just wanted to let you know that your line:

    “Beware my shins, for they are murderous!”

    ….made me spit my drink all over my monitor… sooo funny.

    I agree with most of what you say in all of your reviews of Twilight (books and movie).

    However, I must admit that I couldn’t help but get caught up in the books. I actually really enjoyed them.

    No, they’re not the type of book I normally enjoy – but I like to think of it like food:

    My favorite dish is my mother’s wholesome and filling ‘Chicken Potato & Broccoli Casserole’.
    But that Cotton Candy I had at the fair last week was just so damn sweet and scrumptious that I just INHALED it.


  40. jonah simone fury

    i like twilight… it has the perfect elements neede to make a great work of fiction…. but i have to agree with Kellen here… some parts of the twilight series ARE a bit silly… just because Edward lived centuries before our time period now, that doesn’t give him an excuse to use (or be given) super cheesy lines… even Shakespeare would laugh his heart out reading his lines… the film, as my friends had put it, was diappointing… Rob was perfect as Edward… i dunno about Kristen. the film’s plot is waaaayyyy too far from what is in the book. the only thing that impressed me is that they actually found a perfect cast. i liked Robert Pattinson better as Cedric Diggory… even if his role was short in HP, it was much more meaningful than this… i just hope that he doesn’t turn into a poster-boy like zac efron…

    everyone one in my school is crazy about twilight, and its driving me nuts… i can’t wait for this ‘phenomenon’ to die down.

    this also made me feel sorry for teenage boys… as long as the twilight craze is going on, they’ll keep on having trouble finding girlfriends for themselves, since teen fan girls would only date boys who are Edward Cullen-esque…

    how disappointing… they just can’t accept the fact that men like Edward Cullen could and WILL only exist in the world of fiction and fantasy…

  41. Claire

    So are you saying you liked the movie, or hated it??? because your kinda sending a mixed message. you said like three different actors were great. Then you said it wasnt funny. But, then you said it was funny. But for once, i agree taylor lautner was a perfect jacob. They might not have him in the second movie since he’s so so teeny and jacob is like 6’7 in the second book! taylor is a cutie….. but if you hated the books heres a tip: Dont see the movie, and stop the obsession over trying to destroy something that people love.

  42. kuromiko68

    I still haven’t seen this one D:
    My friends and I were planning to go and troll it, but were unable to get tickets.
    Regarding the bad acting for Pattinson, though, supposedly he absolutely HATED the role and so played Edward as awkward and self-loathing as physically possible. Which is sort of hilarious if true.

  43. Harper

    Well… you have criticized the book and the movie, what’s left is for you to criticize the SOUNDTRACK.

    I honestly love the songs. I hope you AGREE. ^ ^

  44. millie

    kellen, i think you are absolutely spot on with your review. Not only on this, but the two review on the book.

    I personally have not read the book and am not planning to unless if its to save my life, and even then i’ll have to think twice about it.

    I went into the cinema just to have a good time laughing my ass off at the immensely hilarious scenes of constipation and corny as hell lines. Its a very sparkly movie really.

    Thumbs up to you!

  45. Gwen

    Great article! Sums up pretty much everyone’s opinion who isn’t a drooling worshiper of Edward/SMeyer.

    I kind of want to see this, for the lulz. I’m definitely not paying $10 for it though.

  46. Kayla Rae

    So, I saw Twilight a few weekends ago and I can officially say that it was the funniest thing I have ever seen! The acting and directing was HORRIBLE! I swear, they weren’t even trying in some scenes. And any movie that can make Jackson Rathbone look appalling (I want to know how managed THAT one) is a complete failure.

    My theory is that the crew came together and said “Okay, we already know we’re going to make crazy amounts of money on this so lets have some fun and make it completely stupid and cheesy!”

    And they succeeded.

  47. crayonz

    stop the brainwash!!

    OMG.. why are all the girls going crazy with that cheesy twilight shit?? get a life peope!!! read something actually worth your time!!
    twilight is such a waste of time and money..


  48. Mariah

    To be perfectly honest, I have yet to read any of the Twilight series (tho’ I’m getting to that, I just have to get off my lazy ass to get to the library so that I can finally pay for overdue books just so I can sate my curiosity and see what all the hub-bub is about). I’m a bit wary, however, after reading all the bad reviews about it and some of the Twilight Fans’ “OMFG how can u hate Twilight?! U Suck, LOL!” However, my older step-sister recently came down for a visit and dragged me and my biological sister to see the movie, not that I was really resisting, my curiosity once again nipping at my mind.

    My sister and I had our own reservations, I from all the bad reviews about the BOOK, while hers were from the bad reviews about the movie itself, which I had had little knowledge about. By the end of it, I was professing my desire to actually buy the movie when it came out in DVD just to watch the bloopers I could imagine had occurred. So I have to agree with you, that while I actually enjoyed it, the Twilight movie is in fact more of a comedy than anything else.

    Unfortunately, the movie had also confirmed many of the points that the anti-Twilight reviewers had to say. From my point of view, the relationship portrayed was indeed shallow, and I haven’t actually BEEN in a relationship yet, which is saying something! And I was trying very hard not to laugh my ass off at the sparkly Edward scene in fear that my Twilight obsessed step-sister would beat my ass for it…

    So kudos to you for your lovely reviews that I very much got a kick out of!

  49. kangaroopaw

    My thoughts exactly. I am a 30 something year old who went to see the film because I usually like my teen drama films. Also, as an aspiring writer I wanted to know what sort of story would sell so many books. I laughed through most of the movie. The attempted sex scene was funny – did Edward get a hard on and accidently impale Bella with his penis – He said something along the lines of “I didn’t know I was so strong” (tortured/constipated look) to which she replied, “and I so weak”.

    The cinema was filled with teenage girls and frumpy suburban mothers who would usually read mills and boons romances.

    I have not read the books and assumed that this was just a crap adaptation. It would have been better off as a TV series for Christian TV.

    Maybe its just as well teen girls are getting into the idea of bdsm early since teen boys are all youtubing porn.

  50. Sable Weese

    lol! Alright, at first I didn’t even want to bother reading this because a review about the MOVIE Twilight from someone who doesn’t even like the BOOK Twilight doesn’t even make sense.Because the book is ALWAYS better than the movie; its a general rule, so if you hated the book you are DEFFINITELY going to hate the movie. Because the director and producers aren’t trying to satisfy the people who aren’t fans, they are trying to satisfy those who ARE fans. Which is why I was not even going to bother reading this; if you are an anti-Twilighter then you are obviously going to hate it. However! I am glad I did because you are quite funny! lol I actually laughed more at this than I have anything else in the last few days. Perhaps you should go into the stand-up comedy business because some of your own lines (ex- “I mean, Edward, come on – you sparkle. ‘This is the skin of a killer?’ It’s like saying ‘These are the eyebrows of a vampire!’ or ‘Beware my shins, for they are murderous!'”) would have been pee-your-pants worthy if said on-stage however, other than that, I would beg you to become an UNBIASED critic but biased critics never change so happy reviewing to you!

  51. Kim

    Kellan Rice-
    I am a ridiculously obsessed twilight fan, and before you stop reading this comment, I wanted to say that your twilight articles were ridiculously funny, and I enjoyed them. While reading the twilight books I loved them because at the most basic level they are stories about love and fighting for love, you may disagree but that is just my opinion. When I saw the movie with a good friend of mine, we could not stop laughing at how funny it was that Edward would stalk Bella, and watch her sleep. Also in your first article you meantioned how Jacob “sexually assaulted” Bella by kissing her forcibly against her will, I could not stop laughing because that is actually something that I said while reading that part in Eclipse. Also I think you were right about Breaking Dawn because I found Bella incredibly annoying because no righteous 18 year old who has a future would give up her life for a child that is literally sucking the life out of her, or at least I wouldn’t. I think you should have a little faith in the twilight fans because I am 17 years old and I love twilight, but i would never give up my education, my friends and family, and most of all freedom and submit to “the love of my life.” I doubt that the world was set back 200 years, women or at least myself want education and careers long before we want love and babies. I’m sorry that you didn’t enjoy the Twilight Series but I did and your articles were so insightful and hilarious that it was a refreshing perspective to observe.

  52. Penny

    Oh my God yes! I saw the movie only because my friend is a die hard fan and she said she’d pay for me. It was so bad, I laughed constantly. When Edward started to sparkle I thought he looked like peter pan. My other friend who is a guy say it only because his girlfriend told him it was a horror movie. He was not impressed.

    This has to be the worst vampire movie since Queen of The Damned. Anybody looking for something good to watch should see True Blood. I love that show. It’s amazing.

  53. GirlFromAus

    As much as I love Twilight, I couldn’t help but agree/laugh at your main points. I don’t know why I love it so much now that you’ve put forth all the cons. I can see how SM raped the thesaurus. I was so blind before. But it’s so true.

    However, I do love the book for some reason. I don’t know. It’s the little things. Like Edward reciting Romeo and Juliet in Bella’s ears all that mushy crap that we like to read. I’ve grown to love the characters. I think you truly have to have a connection to the Saga before to understand all the characters. Some are so complex, whereas others, as you said, are not. And I can relate to that point.

    I would go on, but I really can’t be bothered. I know older people are going to read my comment, pick out the wrong grammar, and criticize me for being a little girl who is defending a so called ‘Stupid Saga’. But I don’t care. For some reason, and I don’t know why, I like it. I’m sure you people have loved something that others thought was stupid before, so stop criticizing people who have a passion for something. Give your opinion, but you don’t have to make fun of others and what other people like.

  54. jess

    kellen could you talk someday about harry potter? I would realley appreciate that cause I’am a potterfan and like you, hate twilight and sorry for the grammar mistakes I’am from Uruguay 🙂

  55. Felicity

    kangaroopaw I love you! In the platonic sense, of course. I get a major kick out of your own personal review.

    Course you have to think, how could Edward (or any vampire for that matter) get it up since they have NO blood? Something venom will not do the trick?

    And as for other bilogical functions, I assume they NEVER have to use the bathroom (all they do is drink blood, but thats for survival and I have yet to see a vampire excuse her/himself for the john). What about brushing teeth? I doubt bacteria could be live on Eddie’s perfect tongue but I will hazard a guess that blood gets pretty stinky after awhile. Same for showers, I doubt vampires sweat (but I agree with Kellen and Samuel, Edward looked like he just stepped out of a sauna) but all that blood on them can get pretty smelly pretty quickly.

    As for the whole high school thing— everyone knows that when you enter into the ninth grade you still look pretty young, but when you graduate you look oh so much older. So wouldn’t someone notice that the Cullens never age? Wouldn’t SOMEBODY whisper to their friend “How come Edward Cullen still looks the same every year?” “What, you mean constipated?” “That AND he never ages. I doubt he even has changed his hair style…” “Hey, now that I think about it, you are right. This is bizarre!”

    But no, something like that could not possibly in SMeyer’s universe. But since they never age, why not just put them in college? It makes a lot more sense to put them there because even though they look younger, they could arguably fit in a lot better. Just keep going to a different college every two/four/six/however many years, and travel the world.

    What else? Okay, remember when Edward was laying his love on Bella with that really rough kiss? How did he not hurt her or leave a bruise on her? Bella stated herself (at least in the books) that she bruises pretty easily, yet Edward hasn’t done any damage to her— YET.

    Okay, this is getting rather long I know. But I would like to throw out a shout out to all those Twilight fans who actually have the maturity to handle their favored works being criticized and being able to respond and defend their works in a clear and concise manner. Thank you for being here.

    As for the rest of YOU Twilighters— yeah, I am not going to sink to your level and insult you. I am above that.

  56. j cacacho

    why did their foundation (make-up) have to end above the collar bone? Truly found it distracting to have just a pale face and an almost tanned neck…

  57. Nike

    If, for some reason or another I go to see this movie with my friends, I will try to enjoy myself by acting like a REAL vampire.

    Oh yeah, they are making a sequel to the movie. It comes out soon. *bleh*

  58. Raven

    I totally agree with you on everything.
    The skin effect was terrible
    It was cheesy
    The HUMANS and the BAD GUYS were the best at acting
    rosalie wasn’t that pretty.
    Jasper had a stranger look on his face than needed.
    I laughed at all the “wrong” moments. I was pretty much laughing the entire time in the theatre.

  59. Mariah

    To: kangaroopaw

    I was grinning at the sex scene too (though can it really be called a sex scene when they didn’t really even DO anything?), but what I was thinking was, “When he pushed off the bed and into the wall, why wasn’t Bella hurt in some way or the bed knocked through the wall when he’s supposed to be SO strong, huh?”

    In the theater I went to, I saw a good number of teenage girls, and middle aged women now that I look back on it…I couldn’t help but laugh when I found out about the Twilight website that was created by a middle aged housewife directed to other Twilight obsessed middle aged housewives. It was kind of creepy, actually.

    Merry Christmas, ya’ll!

  60. Dana

    If you didn’t like the series,
    Why did you even read them?
    This is your fault.
    If you didn’t like them in the first place,
    You shouldn’t care about things like these.
    Call me a b****,but at least I’m speaking my mind,so
    F*ck all of you out there who don’t like the series.
    Go to hell.

  61. Remi




  62. Esther

    i first came across the books after Breaking Dawn hit the bookstores. Then again, I didn’t bother to read it until after I read a review of the books. Vampires and their fangs don’t appeal to me, they give me nightmares. But these books had vampires without fangs so at least it was acceptable to me.

    The characters are quire unique and sure, the lines are cheesy. But its fantasy right? For me, I reminisce of a my mills and boon phase of my life and my school girl’s escapism. I can understand why so many teenagers are in love with the notion of Edward – strong, dark (OK- maybe pale in this case), handsome and so totally devoted.

    I enjoy the books very much. As for the movie, I thought it was a pretty decent adaptation of the movie. Some of the editing was bad. The actor portrayed their characters well and overall it was an enjoyable movie.

  63. Minnie

    The only reason I even watched Twilight was to see Robert Pattinson half-naked, truth be told. Taylor Lautner playing Jacob is a plus, I might add. [Is it true that they’re replacing Taylor in New Moon? I hope not!]

    The movie, as you said, was hilarious. I never had such a good time at such a bad movie interpretation. My friends are all crazed fans, unfortunately, and my family are the only people who actually understand my aversion to the Twilight saga.

    Great review, both on the movie and the books. You made my day! :]

  64. polexa aphrodisia

    kristen stewart portrayed bella really badly… absolutely no chemistry at all… she never looked like she loved edward… she looked disgusted whenever she was shown talking or was show with him or the other vampires….

  65. Farver

    Has everyone seen those Team Edward or Team Jacob shirts around school?

    Where are the Team Kellen shirts? I’d wear one.

  66. Elizabeth

    Wait what? I thought this review would be serious. You can’t have actually liked the ballet scene. I mean come on. That movie was awful beyond words! Bella wore a face of perpetual sleepyness, Edward was a joke, and I’ve seen better special effects in black and white movies. The only thing that made it watchable was Jacob and Bella’s dad.

  67. sol

    i was nearly out of my seat while watching this movie…i almost fell to the ground with all the cheesy lines…and i was sitting beside my boyfriend, i didn’t really find it romantic at all!!!! we were on a laugh trip…
    your review is right on.

  68. Shandy

    I watched the tailor at the top of the page and not to be rude or tacky, but there is something MAJORLY wrong with Bella’s eyebrows. Seriously.

  69. Shandy

    I watched the trailer at the top of the page and not to be rude or tacky, but there is something MAJORLY wrong with Bella’s eyebrows. Seriously.

  70. Karen

    In most cases, I completely agree with you, and that’s “murderous shins” line was fantastic, but there’s one point that I strongly strongly have to disagree one. I didn’t think that her “friends” made her human life look appealing whatsoever. In the book, she actually had some connection with them, Angela especially. Yet in the movie, they all became extremely obnoxious, stereotypical teens, with terrible acting skills. She had no connection with them at any point and seemed to cringe from their very presence whenever they were near. Honestly, if I had friends like that, I would run to the nearest vampire, and beg them to change me, pain or no pain.

  71. Martie

    Can’t blame Rob. I’d have to be drunk or high to get through something like Twilight. And, after hearing his interviews, I get the impression he has a pretty low opinion of Edward and finds him as dull as the you do.

  72. 7hippo7

    ROFL! The only reason I went to the movie was to see Jasper’s expressions! XD

  73. Amanda

    I have to say, even as a Twilight fan, I enjoyed your review immensely. The murderous shins bit, for example, nearly killed me, I laughed so hard.

    For the sake of clarity:
    I enjoy the whole series, but I don’t think they’re high literature or anything. Cleolinda was right when she called the Twilight books ‘Twinkies’, lest anyone be accusing me of bad taste. I know they suck. I like them anyway.

    Also (and I can’t believe I’m doing this, Ms. Rice I am so sorry.):

    NEWTWILIGHTER, bias is only an adjective when it comes to cloth. The word you are looking for there is ‘biased’. Actually since biased is commonly considered to imply favor towards something, ‘prejudiced’ might work better, though I do not agree that it fits this review.

  74. Amanda

    Also, what do you mean you’ve only ever heard great things about it. Do you not spend much time online?

  75. Lee

    Notoriously laudable attempt on making a film adaption to a book.

    And I mean that, I laughed at pretty much every scene through out the movie except for perhaps the ballet studio, that was actually pretty well done.

    The begining seemed awkward and badly acted and had me cringing every step of the way. After perhaps the “Bella getting nearly crushed by truck” scene, I started to relax and find the movie more humourous.

    My friends and I had gone to see the movie together, I was already anti-twilight after I read the books, the last I read several pages before I through it down in disgust, but the movie deffinetly would have pushed me that way if I hadn’t been already. Too many close-up, way~ too many.

    The climax had me actually enjoying the movie, and the fight scene was pretty cool (mirrors make everything look better) and I did actually wince as Bella was injured.

    But other than that, I found the movie to be more hilarious and most comedies don’t even appeal to my sense of humour. So the fact makes me giggle a lot plus the ending scene weighed against everything else…. 1 and 1/2 stars at best.

  76. Jayne Bielak

    Kellen my dear, I LOVE you! I, too, wrote a review of Twilight, but yours hits sooooo many more points. Bless your heart for saying how poorly researched it is. You nailed it squarely – a piece of tripe!

  77. Tiffany

    Your are so right! All I ever hear is “Edward and Bella forever” or “EDWARD IS HOT”

    The only reason I watched it was because of cutie Jacob, he made the movie so much better. And the whole Jacob loving Bella and Edward’s kid(in the 4th book)…was awful. It disappoints me so.

  78. Aaron

    Its not the actors fault if they have lines that sound great in the book but so cheesy on screen. Now im a fan os my opinion is going 2 be a little biased but ill try to keep to a minimum.

    The sparkle scene i will admit was a little corny but again not the actors fault. The fight scence with edward and Jame was marvellous. The mirrors adding extra dimension to it and i thought the baseball scene was great (biased opinion sorry).

    It wouldve been good for emmett to have a bigger role but his not really in the books that much. (except for Midnight Sun which is twilight from edwards poinof veiw and quite frankly the 12 chapters of the draft the meye has on her website are definatlet have the book looking like it is going be abetter than twilight. Im saying that twilight was bad at all though.)

    Some scenes were over-acted im not going to deny it. And yes the scene were bella is with charlie when she decides to run from James Marvellous.

    This is directed to minnie. No there not replacing tyler lautner as jacob. and thank god Vanessa hudgens is Not going to play Leah.

    The whole Murderous Shins comment was funny i will admit.

    An people is there a problem for people to Say bella and edward forever and wear the team edward shirts. Ive noticed that people dont complain when people say Jacob is hot or wear The Team Jacob Shirts. Whats up with that? Your against edward and bella but you thinks it’s fine for people to say and wear things about Jacob.

    Theres really no middle ground in an argument like this its either Twilight Fan Or Hater (sorry for calling people who dont like twilight haters but i think its better than anti-twilighter honestly.)

    Im looking forward greatly to the New Moon Movie and i say bring on the goth bands and dark bands for the sound track too bands like End Of Green and mabye even The Misfits, mabye throw in sum silverstein and evanescence mabye even Dead Memories by slipknot (i reckon that’d go really well with the parts were bella is depressed) But Broken By Seether Or The acoustic version of Say Goodbye by Bullet for my valentine and mabye You give love a bad name by Bon Jovi

    Thats what i would like to hear but if u agree disagree of just plain hate my review or song choice for the sound track please let me know.

  79. Aaron

    What im about to say is a direct response to what samuel said.

    If youd been paying attetion to the movie instead of sucking your girlfriends’ face off u might hav realised that edwards can stand bella at the start coz of the ay she smells. It intoxicates him to the point of madness and her blood ‘Sings’ to him (if you have read new moon you’ll undertsand me.)

    I agree with the twilght fans about keeping your bad reviews and horrible reviews to your self and if you dont like dont read it and if you havent read it but still bash it DON’T couase you have no idea what your on about and your joining all the Haters and ther little group.

    So twilight fans yeah im with you guys all the way and Haters bugger of and bash on about something else for a while.

    Cheers and a belated Merry Xmas and Happy New Years

  80. Korilian

    Okay confession; I loved the sparkling. It was so pretty and such a silly clever twist on vampire mythology!

    Every boy in town (including the various rapists) falling hard for our little Belle was hard to swallow though. Especially since she was such an empty pod person. Maybe they confused her social retardation for mystique, but I could have done with a few more ‘natural’ teen moments, like her complimenting her friends boobs in the end..

  81. Maggie

    i don’t feel like writing a big, long comment disagreeing with this, like i have twice on the first article she wrote about Twilight, all i’m going to say is this; for those of you who hate twilight so much but read the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th books after you hated the first, AND saw the movie after you hated the books, you have no life. I mean, come on, get a hobby other than insulting Twilight. We get it, there are people out there who hate Twilight, but it’s totally ridiculous that you’re spending this much of your time and energy focusing on hating it.

  82. Leona


    The number of people who confuse “honest, thoughful critique” with “trying to destroy something people love! OMG!!!!111!!” makes my head spin.

    Not everyone likes Stephen King or Joss Whedon (and I ADORE them both) but I don’t go getting all butthurt over differing opinions. I may disagree with them (or at least some of the points) but I don’t think they are out to get the thing I love!

    Could be ’cause I’m a 28 year old adult woman and most of the Twighlight fangirls are emo tweens. *note* I’m saying this as someone who definitely was an emo tween/teen in the not so distant past… no offense meant.

    The review is spot on.
    My SO and I went for the lol factor. I knew it would be terrible based on the previews and was not disappointed. It was a terrible film… but hilarious and so bad that it somehow swung back around into decent. We enjoyed it in all its cheesy, overdone glory. 🙂 Definitely fun fluffy braindead entertainment.

  83. Katharine

    right on, sister! laughed until I cried when I read this article. I’m glad to see that someone felt the same way as me about this movie. It was okay, but in a very hysterical way. I laughed the whole movie, earning myself quite a few dirty looks from twelve year olds who would begin to hyperventilate every time Robert Pattinson was on screen. There were some good moments, but for the most part it was just so bad that it was downright hysterical. My main grievance was Pattinson’s acting. Everything he said sounded so stiff and forced. But I must admit, a teeny part of me liked it.

  84. Lara

    For expressing your opinion, I thank you, and I’d like to say that I agree with you.

    Although, in defense of Robert Pattinson’s acting, according to a few sources I’ve come across, he didn’t actually really like the character of Edward (or the book Twilight, really) and it came through in his performance.

    Here’s something that Pattinson said in an interview:

    He’s a 108 year old guy who’s going to live forever and hates himself, and there’s this girl, when you put the bare facts out, he tells her he’s killed 40 or 50 people, and “I wanna kill you so much, every single day. Every moment I’m with you I’m desperately
    wanting to kill you”, and she’s like “I don’t care, I love you.”, and it’s like, “Well, there’s definitely something wrong with her, and there is very obviously something wrong with me” and I’m just trying to get that kind of relationship rather then just two teenagers who like each other.

    I kind of feel sorry for him, having all this creepy teenage obsession pinned to him now.

  85. Indigo

    Alright, I admit that I’m a fan of Twilight.

    And I really didn’t like your other articles regarding the series (sure, they made me laugh, but I was sort of insulted by them in the end)

    But this one sort of hit the head of the nail (though I can’t agree that Kristen Stewart did a good job as Bella).

    It was a comedy. But, honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything more.
    Good review, though. Kudos.

    ***And, just sort of fyi, I’m not that into Twilight anymore. Twilight fangirls sort of put a damper on the series. I can’t walk down the hallways of my school without hearing, “OMG!!! Edward is soooo hoootttt!!!!”


  86. Hayley Smith

    Kellen Rice, how come i’ve not read any of your reviews before!! I was laughing so much at your review of the movie. I really don’t know why Robert Pattison agreed to that role, all I kept seeing was Cedric in Goblet of Fire, I was seriously expecting Daniel Radcliffe to pop up and say “surprise!! Gotcha! Come on Rob, back to work, stop messing….”

    How come you nenver mentioned Jasper? To be he was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. I can’t even remember whether he actually has any lines, I’m sure he just stands there all through the movie, acting like he’s constipated and sucking on a lemon…


  87. Elena

    Twilighters all the way!!! Loved the books, liked the film – can’t wait for the sequel!

  88. Alexi Myers

    Monday 9th February 2009 :: Bored out of my brains, I picked up Twilight and started to read.

    Tuesday 10th February 2009

    Wednesday 11th February 2009

    Thursday 12th February 2009

    Friday 13th February 2009

    Saturday 14th February 2009

    Sunday 15th February 2009 :: @ 7.30am, after a week of living && breathing Twilight, I finished Breaking Dawn with a sigh of contentment. My thoughts? Uh-May-Zing!

    Monday 16th February 2009 :: Depressed && Restless, I watch the Twilight movie 3 times over the space of a day.

    Tuesday 17th February 2009 :: Depressed && Restless && Stupidly Obsessive, I re-read huge chunks of Twilight and become irritated at myself for not realising the reason for my obsession.

    Wednesday 18th February 2009 :: @ 1:47am .. HOLY CROW! I SEE THE LIGHT! Keels over to let herself be overwhelmed at the surge of information provided in the hilarious yet honest articles you’ve posted. I am saved!

    BUT, though my intensely maddening obsession was short-lived, I will probably still re-read the novels to death and waste ££’s on the Limited Edition Extended DVD package and other paraphernalia because, despite it’s many flaws, there’s something strangely addictive about the novels.

    Twilight – A guilty pleasure <3

  89. ANna

    i guess i agree with your article, even though i’m not really sure if you say you hate it or not. I just have to say if i didnt read the book before i saw the movie i would have never even thought of picking up the book. The movie, in my opinion sucked. I found it funny how suckish the acting was and they left out SOOO many important scenes and lines from the book.

    Most of the lines in the movie arent even from the book! Oh! and when they showed Edward in the sunlight, i did not see ANY sparkles, Nothing!! I was like wait what! There are no Fuckin sparkles!!!!! Not even a glitter!

    All in all the movie sucked, does not come close to the book and i’m not even wasting my money when New Moon comes out. Why? Well since our economy is so bad, how are they going to get enough money exactly to make it WAYY more better than the first movie? Huh?

  90. shade

    BTW, this comment applies to all your reviews about twilight, books and the movie.
    GirlfromAus is right. You can of course write what you think, nobody questions you of your First amendment whatevs, but yeah, stop making fun of those who liked the book. It’s like you’re bragging you have degree on some putting a literature in trial or something, and almost slapping the readers to the face the words brainless or idiot for loving the book. It’s not like we’re trying to read a Shakespeare’s novel for a book report in HS or college. We were just trying to turn our backs for a while from the daily problems of life. Enjoying the “fiction” that somewhere there’s a hope in some catastrophic love affair. And ought to have some trust on our YAs, they are not that stupid like they would try and do the things that Bella does just to hear Edward’s voice, please, we have to trust our kids more than that. Well of course you have to supervise your 10 year old or at least orient her first before she reads it because yeah she might misunderstood it, but hell we live in the new age now, we’re not like in 19 something where we haven’t heard of computers and internet, times have changed, we’ve got blogs and vlogs, and for all you know someone’s publishing her diary, with very simple words and plot and all that mushy things. I mean c’mon, it’s not like you’re reading a Bill Clinton or Obama or a Bush book. This is a YA FICTION, don’t expect too much. And yeah one more thing, why are you expecting a perfect biology/history thingies here, this is fiction (for the nth time). It’s not like there’s really a vampire or a werewolf you can ask for these FACTS. Like is there really a spell to keep the dementors away, or better yet is there really a stick you can find somewhere which you can use to command a broom to clean the house or something to that effect. my goodness, loosen up woman! You’re either too stiff to enjoy a silly book/movie or you are just too old to remember what it’s like to be young..i bet it’s the last one. Chill Rice!

  91. Twilight is my life


    • PeachyKeen

      Because our worth as human beings and our physical beauty definitely and only hinges on whether or not our opinion jives with yours.

  92. Diman

    Haha this review is great! I HAVE to show my friends this and prove to them I’m not the only one who thought the movie was hilarious.

    My personal favorite scene of the movie is when Bella’s talking to Edward at the hospital- she could go for world record for most blinking in one scene. XD

  93. Enestien

    This is awesome! I watched the movie recently after having read the first book, and I agree with you; the movie is almost okay. If I hadn’t read the book, I think I actually would’ve enjoyed it… but I did, however, read the darn thing. And never have I been more grateful that it’s hard to put adjectives in a movie. Also, one thing that almost had me enjoying it was at the end when Charlie says something along the lines of “I put another pepperspray in your bag!”. It was nice that the movie had a few jokes and stuff to take the focus off of all that gross wannabe-romance.
    But, oh, that book… that God-awful disgrace to humanity.. I have to read the next one as well, because it makes me feel so much better about myself as a person and writer.
    Living in Denmark, the movie and books were only released recently here. And me and a friend went to watch the movie on the opening night. Now, I agree with you that one of the horrific things about the movie is the dialouge between Bella and Edward, but the WORST part was those fangirls… they hurt my brain. Especially when they claim that Twilight reminds them of Romeo and Juliet. That was one of the rare times that I was actually scared of other human beings; squealing fangirls who all go ‘OMGAAWWWW’ when Edward sparkles..

    But yeah, this is a great review, one of the best I’ve had the pleasure to read. “Beware of my shins, for they are murderous” might also be the funniest thing I’ve read since… well, since Twilight. 🙂

  94. Lizzie

    this article is exactly what i thought about the movie, and it just so happens that i do have murderous shins, and i take GREAT offense to that! and edward had VERY vampire looking eyebrows. This movie sucked and i couldn’t stop laughing, which was the cause of many a ferocious glare. It was slightly upsetting that i spent almost 10 dollars to see it at the midnight premiere. (i was dragged) then assaulted by the team edward t-shirt clad group of tweens in the bathroom.

    BUT must say i was a HUGE fan of stephanie meyers getting her coffee in the bar. OMG laughed SO hard. almost peed my pants no lie. also, HUGE fan of the fact that it looked like some one had just stuck and ENORMOUS sort of … something (use your imagination) up jasper’s ass. it. was. great.

  95. Sandra

    Okay, so me and my friends went to see the movie and I was hoping that it would do the book some justice. I think it was around 3,4 1/2 out of 10, but it was a bit too cheesy but way more funnier than the book. I saw it the first day it came out in Australia and when their in the biology class and he’s just glaring at her i cracked up laughing, it was so funny. But seriously they could have changed a few actors around and umm I didn’t know that Erik and Angela were asian (not trying to sound racist, because i’m not) but some of the characters kind of turned out like how I had them pictured in my mind. Only Alice and Emmet really but still, it wasn’t like an oscar nominated movie 🙂

  96. Mythie

    I saw the movie for kicks and giggles.
    I laughed at the “this is the skin of a killer” scene with the super Gary-Stu himself Eddie Sparkles.
    My stepmother loved it.
    I say that vampires are the same as leeches. That’s not very romantic at all, now is it?
    …Why aren’t there any zombie romance movies?

  97. Unknown

    Dear Kelly,
    People have their own likings, and dislikings.
    If I said , for example, that Harry Potter Stinks, would you feel angry?
    I bet you would. I hope that you would understand that there are people out there who like twilight and do not like people to ruin their liking for it. Like everyone, you will get over things that you like, as well as the twilighters. In the end ,I think you are over-reacting. I know that you are worried for the people that they will get brainwashed by the book, but critisizing will not help, and may make it worse. According to some of the comments, I can see that you have made enemies. You won’t get popular this way…All The Best.Remember what I said.

  98. Meredith

    This is the kind of review that I like for a movie of this kind. There are Twilight lovers and haters, and I realize that you’re the latter. [I actually am too.] But regardless of whether you like or dislike the Twilight series, this review is unbiased. It admits there were pros and cons to the movie. And so people dissing on this review can go read the books over again and cry themselves to sleep because although they live in Seattle, Edward will never show up to watch them sleep.

    It was a well-written review. I appreciated it, and agreed with every single statement made. Thanks.

  99. lexi

    yeah, when he first meets her, in the lab its weird. but i like kirsten’s acting.
    i think rob just isn’t all too good at serious. i didn’t find anything wrong with him when he took her to his house and in the ballet scene and stuff.
    and i liked the baseball scene. but when they’re in the forest?

    AHAHAH, murderous shins 😀
    you’re awesome.
    and this is coming from one of those twilight fans who is, by nature, supposed to be lifting up the computer and throwing it out of anger at this article, then getting depressed because it means they can’t look up any new internet articles from stephenie meyer….
    ahaha. well, i’m a little biased, cos i think twilight is the worst book in the series.
    i wanna know what you thought of alice, though 😉
    guess i won’t though, cos you probably don’t read these comments…
    ah well.

    • A Twilight Fan

      haha i know EXACTLY what you mean…

      like i think im supposed to hate this, but i actually think this is hilarious. haha “this is the skin of a killer” i thought that scene was gross cuz he had no muscle it was like a flabby hairy sweaty chest

  100. Callie

    Well done. I’ve read the books, and am officially coming out as an anti-Twilighter. However, you wrote the review with an open mind, and even gave props to certain parts. It was well done and you definitely earn a thumbs-up. Good job!

  101. lauren

    ah, it made me laugh too. my friend and i were the only ones in the theater laughing so i felt pretty obnoxious but i didnt care. the part that really got me was when bella was in the hospital and edward was about to leave and she blurted “we cant be apart!” ha, i couldnt contain myself.

  102. Ashley

    I was laughing at the first line, all the way to the end. That was perfect decrpition of the Twilight Movie. I think she might have turned it into a spoof. That would explain a lot. With a new director, can’t wait to see New Moon. That should be interesting……

  103. Ella

    i LUUUUUV TWILIGHT! the movies waz ok I thought wat she said waz funny but she still shouldnt dis it it wasnt REALLY like that. “the skin of a killer” yeah but it kinda makes sense. she says its beautiful but he hates being a vampire so it make sense.

    • Maya

      Try using proper grammer, then maybe people would take you seriously.

  104. Maya

    this review was quite harsh.my bf hates the twilight books bt loved the movie
    i thought the the movie was absolutely brillant!so haha!!mean old lady!

    • PeachyKeen

      Because everyone knows that calling the author of the article a ‘mean old lady’ will definitely give your argument credibility and make sound very mature and smart.

  105. Ilona

    When I saw this movie, I had to hold back fits of laughter all the way through. My sister glared at me along with the rest of the Twilight obsessed girls in the theater. Coming out, I felt the same way you did… except I was much harsher on the high school kids. There acting was far too exaggerated and belonged on a sitcom and not in a theater. Thank you for proving to me that I’m not the only one who thought the movie was worth a laugh.

  106. Carolin


  107. Brittany

    I think that you are really funny. I agree with what you say. Twilight was poorly written, but then again it was her first book. But i think its really funny that people say stuff to you because honestly why look it up if your gonna have nothing nice to say. And your right you have your rights and no one should say that you don’t. I hope to read what you have to say about the next movie. I also agree with you that the movie was highly comical. I had a hard time keeping a straight face… Even while reading the books and i am a fan for crying out loud.

  108. Steph

    Kellen, these reviews keep me laughing all the time! I love the way you can finally be brutally honest about the atrocity of the Twilight series, and not really care what people are saying. So what if it doesn’t make you popular? It’s the truth, and the Twi-hards have to grow up about this.

  109. 123L-O-V-E

    I think the book is acutally very good. Ofcourse, some of it can be cheezy, but she was trying to appeal to a younger generation of kids. She could have editited it and made it better, but c’mon, it was her first book; cut the woman some slack. I’m sure the first article you wrote wasn’t too terrific either and people said things and had their own opinions towards it. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and thoughts, so if this is the way you really feel, more power to ya. As far as the movie goes, it was good in my opinion. The acting could have been a little stronger and they could have put a little more emotion into it, but it’s hard to portray vampires when the book makes you totally rethink the way you feel about them. Hollywood has made them seem so deadly and dangerous; maybe this is a better way to not frighten the younger adolescents. I don’t know. But I honestly don’t think it was bad. And yes, they could have used more lines in the book and tried to follow the book more, but they did what they did. And no-one else controls that but them. Maybe people were laughing at this movie and maybe they weren’t, but sometimes you actually have to try to pay atteniton to what they’re saying. But this is just my opinion. I hope I didn’t offened anyone. Best regards.

  110. anjle gupta

    the book was good for me but not great. all the hupe about the book and the movie i think its totally wasted. the first begining parts of the book are slow, i could sleep on it. she gets better in the end with the studio scene but not much help.
    second book much better, a lot more happening, but it doesn’t tingle your senses. okay, she’s hurt, but it’s so exagurated even if he were dead you would come out of it. and then she jumps off to a plane to catch her suicidal lover. gosh does she have self- respect or did she she drown it in self pity.
    the third book- what is edward a jealous psychopath. thaking out her engine, gosh i would hit him if he were my guy. okay the warewolf vampiere part is good. and the end is a liitle wierd when she demolishes all her hope of a carrer to marry him. comeon woman what centuary are you in.

    4th book – man i could burn it. jacob runs away, comes back for the weading, a 120 year old virgin undead vampire can create a baby with a woman. hieghts of unrealism. the fact that she keeps drinking blood all day long in a dmap moisty room and no other vampire reacts. what, but they react when she is giving birth. and somehow she is the super – vamp. with all that power and stuff. and the wierd volturie opposition and speeches, about their rule and thing, ew.

    it was supposed to be a trigic love story between a vampire who desired the blood of the girl he feel in love with and also there is warewolf suiter.

    when did the marriage, the baby, the crazy votourie, the super – vamp come in. what happened, it was fairly normal if not great till the 3rd novel.

  111. Unknown

    This article makes me CHUCKLE OUT LOUD and even more so after I read some Twi-tard fans’ angry comments.

  112. Kristin

    I liked this review, I laughed all the way through reading it. While I did like this movie (which I was surprised by) the acting really was subpar. Kristin did a good job but some of the lines that Robert Pattinson had to deliver would be difficult even for a gifted actor. For example Bella says “I thought you hated me.” Edward responds ” I hated you for making me want you so bad.” It was delivered so poorly that my inner tween didn’t even swoon. I just felt awkward and uncomfortable.
    I still am looking forward to the next movie though. I am curious to see if Robert is able to nail those one liners.

  113. Tiffany

    ‘From the first moment we see him, his face is screwed up in this bizarre “Did I just fart?” expression that doesn’t quite say “I’m in pain because of the humans” so much as it does “Maybe if I just stand here, no one will notice.”’

    I couldn’t stop laughing at that line. xD

  114. Rebecca

    I really loved the twilight books and am a die hard fan but your article was halirious and the film did have me in stitches alot of the time. i definately agree about the special effects for edward’s ‘glittering skin’, i honestly thought for a second it was just sweat. the worst line for me had to be however, ‘you are exactly my brand of heroin’. oh dear.

  115. Kookie

    I think the Twilight film was fantastic, and I still do not get why you people keep wasting your time writing articles and about it. I mean, I REALLY don’t like the Harry Potter books, but I don’t go around writing hedious articles on that topic! COME ON, people! Stop acting Like Kellen Rice is a Goddess, cos she’s not, and will never be.

    • Alexis

      Freedom of speech, Kookie! Freedom of speech! And Twilight completely SUCKS ASS, for those of you still in denial. I hate everything about that series, from the “damsel in distress” character of Bella, who couldn’t be more of a rain-cloud if she tried, to that stupid little bitch, Edward, and his stupid, pale-face pussy brothers and sisters. I hate how vampires have just been transformed into these pseudo-intellectual, dark and mysterious characters who are just “misunderstood” by the whole world. They’re just total pussies, no doubts about that. And I hate, hate, HATE how unrealistically–nay, RIDICULOUSLY–love is portrayed in these stupid books! How long did those two know eachother exactly, two, three weeks, before falling in love with eachother. FUCK OFF. And Kellen, you’re absolutely right about the dialogue. I literally felt nauseous and let out a groan of disgust over that winning line about the Three Things Bella realized. Christ. I HATE TWILIGHT, NOW AND FOREVER!

      • Victoria

        I Agree With You Alexis. They’re Turning Vampires Into… EMOS

    • Catie

      It’s Kellen Rice’s job to write articles on major books and films, she’s a critic. She is paid to give her professional opinion on works of literature or film. That is what critics do. Millions of books, films, works of art, music, and just about anything you can think of are reviewed by critics everyday. You can agree or disagree with them but that, my dear, is the way it works.

  116. quinn

    brilliant it is horrible and bad lines.but i alsoa agree that its a hillarios movie

  117. Katherine

    OMG how could you not blast that hospital scene? I cried I laughed so hard!

  118. alyssa

    I love Twilight. Your reviews on Twilight, no matter how insulting, are always brilliant. And this one wasn’t even too mean.

  119. Amber

    I have to say, I relished the Ballet Studio scene. Watching Bella in pain? My new FAVORITE PASSTIME! I was grinning the entire time. Pattison definatly could have done a better job. I think that he focused too much on the ‘I’m a vampire’ aspect and not enough on the ‘the vampires are supposed to seem human’ aspect.

  120. Sofiea

    Excellent review!

    I made me laugh so hard especially

    “the sparkle scene:

    “…This is the skin of a killer.””

    “These are the eyebrows of a vampire!” or “Beware my shins, for they are murderous!” <—– LOL! :))

  121. Jan

    Hilarious. Kellen, I’ve read your many comments on Twilight and they all crackled me up. They are just so funny. You put down your very true observations and turned it into a funny statement. It just cracks me up.

  122. Phoenix

    Ouch, that was harsh! But you summed up the movie perfectly, yes! lol Even my 32 yr old sister, who’s a bit of a Twitard (no kidding), watched half the movie and refused to see the rest of it ’cause she declared that it was too horrible.

    Somehow I managed to sit through the whole thing and my opinion is, it was good for a one-time watch and it had a lot of laughs. The acting though, even for a movie not meant to be taken seriously, was really disappointing. Pity.

    I admire your humor, Kellen. It’s harsh, it’s insulting, it can get your ass kicked by the hordes of Twilight fan girls that probably hate your guts now, but it’s still very amusing. lol I think that even if you were to write a scathing review about something that I love, like Harry Potter or LotR, it would still have me in stitches! 😉

    Cool review.

  123. AJ.E

    okay, Twilight fan girls, I really hate your comebacks. that’s why no one takes you seriously. when you bite back on someone’s review, you go on the offense and actually attack the reviewer. Jesus, “you have made enemies” “mean old lady” Give me a break. I read first Kelly’s review on the book and there comments in there pertaining to the book’s defense. And they were just awful. Those are barely counted as debatable, they’re just sad comments from awful Twitards. If you want to defend twilight, write a review of your own. Don’t just write “The book was amazing, I loved it, Edward’s hot, I couldn’t stop masterbating while reading.” No, that is not a review, and I’ve read and watched a lot of pointless reviews like that. Writer a review that does have a point. And yes, Edward is abusive, Bella’s a whore, Jacob’s an ass in the third book, and the movie adaptation was awful. A review is a review, no one wishes to make enemies out of a review. it’s just what the writer thought of a certain piece. Get a life, Twitards.

    • Alexis

      Agreed. Twilight fans wouldn’t be bitching so much if Kellen had written a positive review, so what right do they have to bash her for speaking her mind?? I’m sure if some Edward-lover wrote a positive review of the book or movie, they’d be pretty pissed if a bunch of Twilight dissenters (A.K.A.: normal people) started harassing her with death-like threats. Get a life, you losers.

  124. Brittany!

    HAHA! I can honestly say I was “dazzled” by the movie, but after a while, I began to see it for what it was…a crack up! I love your review of the book because it was honest, diddnt “bash” the series (it made logical criticisms and observations), and because you said murderous shins. I now watch my special edition of Twilight for the lols,thanks for the bomb review!

  125. Chaice

    Thank you so much for this article – now I can finally throw my head back and laugh at the movie and not worry about rabid Twilight lovers breaking my windows open. Thank you!

  126. Tsukishijin

    Ahh, thank you. I know that I am late to the reply party, but I just recently found your articles. I saw the movie as someone who never read the books, and I must say that I had exactly the same reaction.

    The movie was just so unintentionally funny! It was like watching starving orphans being run over by a grocery truck…so horrible that you can’t look away and ironic enough that you know that you’re going to hell because of your uncontrollable laughter.

    Please ignore the Twilight fangirls. While I admit that I enjoy good pulp as much as anyone at least I have the decency to admit what it is.

    However, as a straight male who is a horror genre fan I am forced to look at all the other vampire movies when comparing it to Twilight. Movies like Underworld (the first two anyway), Blade, Interview with a Vampire, Vampire Hunter D and the Hellsing series…those truly took the legend to their own original place while actually having a plot.

  127. Ingrid

    I love the books, but this movie sucked big time. Kristen Stewart’s acting was horrible, they cut the most meaningful scenes and put in a lot of ‘gazing into each others’ eyes’ bullshit, and the entire movie just had this awkward and uncomfortable feeling. The only good scene was the baseball game. I’ve read all four books and love them, but when I went to see this movie, I died a little on the inside as I watched them kill the characters on screen. I can truly say I hated this movie and I’ll never watch it again. I hope New Moon will be better.

  128. onlymystory

    Thank you!
    I am a huge fan of the books but wow I despised the movie. It could have been a wonderful opportunity to take the quality moments of the book and really develop a quality story in a movie. But Catherine Hardwicke was laughable as a director. Here’s hoping New Moon does better.
    And Robert Pattinson needs to get over himself. I can somewhat attempt to understand girls falling for Edward but Robert Pattinson? Yuck!

  129. Teri


    Thought I’d share my own Twilight experience.

    Okay, me and my friends read the book. We all, except for one, poor, poor lost soul, HATED it, but we figured the film adaption might be okay.

    How wrong we were.

    So, after sitting in our seats, COMPLETELY surrounded by 11 year old girls, we watched the movie.

    And oh my GOD, i almost died. It would have been welcome.

    After having the pre-puberty girls SCREAM at the screen everytime our old pal Robby came on, me and my friends were ready to take out our guns, and go all out to rid the world of the stupid, STUPID girls who ruin what might of been a perfectly good movie with their idiotic screams.

    I’m serious. Try having ‘OMG HE’S SO HOT!’ and ‘NO WAY THY KISSED!’ screamed in your ear and see how you feel about it.

    To put all that aside, it was actually a pretty funny movie.

    Like when everytime they said a word in the Lab, they were practically having sex there and there. Did no-one else notice the wide mouths, the body movements? I bet you go back and look if you hadn’t.


    And… Well, that’s it.

    I tried to like it. I really did. But I prefer Blood with my Vampires.

  130. Chameron4Lyfe

    <3ed the review–it conjured up all the lulz-worthy moments I enjoyed watching the film. I do agree, part of me feels like it was decently entertaining (unlike the book, which I cannot read without wincing), and a lot of this stemmed from the fact that the cheesy lines were now hysteria-inducing.

    The New Moon trailer gave me at least 3 moments of lulz, looks like it’s gonna be fun, too. I hope you review that one as well.

  131. Skye des Mortes

    I love you! I woke up, this morning, to a sluggish day, to read a lousy book I just bought (the last of my stock of books, no less *tear*) ending up feeling extremely depressed- but not exactly! I suddenly stumbled upon this article and my whole day brightened up- and it’s 10pm! Reading your article was funny, but the comments were to die for. Oh, oh! There was one that went something like “Your first article wasn’t even that great either… I hope I don’t offend anyone with this. Best regards.” Talk about sarcasm (although I’m not sure the commenter meant it to be sarcastic), but basically, you’ve just made my day. I’m fourteen years old and anyone who says “Edward’s hot” or “Stop acting Like Kellen Rice is a Goddess, cos she’s not, and will never be” should go to hell and die (my tagline). I have no idea whether I’m supposed to laugh at them or laugh harder.

  132. Beep

    I’ve just woke everyone in my house laughing out loud at this article! Brilliant observations. The ‘eyebrows of a vampire’ thing especially.

    Kirsten’s acting is horrible in the hospital scene, far too melodramatic: “what? no! dont leave me! You can’t! I won’t let you! Never! AHHHH!”

    I seriously thought ‘what the hell is this?’

    Also, there were too many continuity errors to mention.

  133. Alexander

    I must say, I absolutely love your reviews!:) I myself am a fan of the books, though I am well aware of the cheesyness I love reading them when i’m in the mood for a relaxing book that doesn’t require to much of my mental abilities. Also a huge factor is my obsession with harry potter and twilight is in the same line only less good. You propably wonder why I am complementing you on tearing down twilight? Well it’s because i can see the enormous stack of flaws in the books aswel. That doesn’t take away the fact that I still enjoy reading them. After reading the first book I was very edgy to go and watch the movie interpretation. Well i can say i agree with you on that! It is an utter embarresment for filmhistory and for everyone who read the books. I’m pretty sure you can watch an entire day of italian familyshows on italian tv and had a better time than watching the movie twilight. Keep on writing. A hype always needs an anti-camp 🙂
    greets from Belgium

  134. Sara

    Good lord, this movie was ridiculous!! I admit the Bella/Charlie goodbye scene hit me a little, but that was the only part I wasn’t doubled over laughing hysterically at. Hopefully a new director will make the second one watchable.

    I’m a former-Twilighter. I loved these books as a teen, but when I picked up Twilight to reread it in preparation for the final book’s release, I almost shat myself, I kid you not. I liked this garbage? Really?? Two obnoxious people gazing into each other’s eyes longingly for hundreds of pages?? Shoot me!

    Glad to know there are so many others seeing the light now!! 🙂

  135. Mandy

    I don’t quite understand this line from your article:

    “And speaking of yawn, that’s a good description of the acting. Kristen Stewart definitely had her moments, but Robert Pattinson not so much.”

    How can you describe the lack of facial expressions Kristen Stewart made as “acting”? I think that word is being far too generous for her. Most of the movie she simply looked dazed and confused to me. Possibly stoned. Robert Pattinson at least had a somewhat intense look in his eyes at random points, but she always seemed to have a look in her eyes that said, “Where am I? What’s with all the pretty lights and cameras?”
    Besides that one line, I agree with the rest of your article and, along with your other anti-Twilight ones, was quite literally laughing my ass off. I only hope to someday have my novels publicly critiqued all over the internet (for better or worse) when I become published as well.

  136. Victoria Kitts

    I just read your review of the 4 twilight books and I just finished reading your review of the movie and all I can say is wow! I say that in a good way. I could not agree more with you! The books are tasteless and have no plot, climax and the characters are not well written. Her “mythology” of the vampires are completely wrong! The last time I checked there are no vampires in Indian mythology. Wow Stephanie you really did your homework. My mother is a true vampire author, she’s been studying the mythology of vampires all her life so when you read her book it makes sense to true vampire fans.

    I’m a 16 year old teenager so when everyone was reading Twilight I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I read all 4 of them, all I can say is I want those wasted hours of my life back. In the forth book I got to the pregnancy part and I wanted to burn it but sadly I couldn’t because it belonged to my friend.
    There are so many things wrong with that book I don’t even see why people are reading. Stephanie set feminism back another 200 years. Countless women fought for our rights and she just set them back to when we had no say in anything. Bella was the ditzy girl who was always in trouble and always needed saving. Way to go Bella you sure gave us girls a good name. I’m sure Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave right now.

    My school took students out of class to go see that movie. I am so happy I didn’t go. When it came out on DVD my mom and I sat down to watch it. I want the 2 hours of my life back. The movie was horrible from beginning to end. From the “epic” dialog to the spider-man tree hopping scene. “Hold on tight spider monkey” What in gods name is that! Oh and the sparkle scene. I thought that was going to be a cool scene but it looked like the film crew be-dazzled him! The actors could not act what so freaking ever, it was all cardboard acting. I think the actors need to take a couple of acting lessons or maybe go back to high school and take drama, I’m sure any drama student could do better then the actors in that movie. I don’t even know why that movie made billions of dollars. I’d rather watch Hannah Montana then watch that movie again!

    Thank you for making everyone see the true light of this pure teenage crap movie. I’ll be sure to follow you on Twitter.

  137. twilightlover

    hi I back.Do you have any thing better to do than write awful reviews on twilight.I loved the movie and the books to .twilight rocks. i think harry Potter is alot worse than twilight .Harry potter is boring.I mean what teen whats to watch someone do magic,(really boring magic too)over a romantic story of a vampire falling in love with a human girl.Kellen Rice can you please writte a better review .Its painful to read these reviews,because they are really bad.Just speaking the truth,no hard feelings,but this review sucks and not in a good way.

    • twilighthater

      You do realize the comment “write awful reviews” in that specifc context is completely absurd, right?

      I’ll never understand blindsided Twilight fans who feel that because of an opinion that it undermines their fandom.

      Get over it, not everyone loves the movie and Kellan stated very clearly and articulately her stance without making into a flame war.

      If overzealous fans want to wast THEIR time doing the supposed thing they accuse Kellan of doing in her own article, so be it. But the difference between being an antagonist and being a critic is that one requires actual thoughtful insight; a trait sorely lacking by the manic followers of Meyer’s work.

      And to make matters worse, sentiments like yours regardless of its tactful expression, just makes the average Twilight fan come across as mentioned earlier, blind and thoughtless.

      If people are going to really make a difference in their time posting, there has to be an established consensus to agree to disagree, and stick to valid arguments constructed by examples from the book in its association with your point of view.

      Otherwise, comments that are just personal attacks lose the integrity of the entire argument.

  138. SS Hunter

    I just want to tell you, that I have read the Twilight series, and I do like it, but I think it shows a sign of maturity and intelligence that I can look at it seriously, sit here, and say “Yep” to every comment you made, about the movie and books. For me, Twilight is a interesting, addicting soap opera, but I don’t take it seriously. I really love when people say its “one of the all time classic stories to ever be told”…

    Honestly, the movie The Wizard of Oz has more depth then it. Hell, Barney has more depth then that. At least he was purple.

    • twilighthater

      And you’ve hit the precise point of frustration for a lot of the people. It’s not that the book doesn’t deserve commercial success. It’s the fact it is being lauded for something it is definitely not in its construct, style, and depth.

      It’s a soap operatic, romance novel for hopeless escapists. It’s geared toward young adults (mentally and literally in age) to fawn over.

      And there’s nothing wrong with that stance. What’s wrong is trying to push the idea without making valid points to its quality.

  139. Victoria

    I Agree With This Article. But, I Think Both Of Their Acting Abilities Are Terrible. I HATE (LOATHE, CAN’T STAND) The Scene At The End When Robby Boy Wants Bellzilla To Go With Her Mom To Jacksonville. The Way She Acts Was Terrible! Like She Had A Bad Speech Impediment.

    And I Hate The Way They Are In Real Life. They’re Just Losers, Mate.

    Why People Like These Books, And Movies, I’ll Never Know.

  140. Victoria

    “I think the Twilight film was fantastic, and I still do not get why you people keep wasting your time writing articles and about it. I mean, I REALLY don’t like the Harry Potter books, but I don’t go around writing hedious articles on that topic! COME ON, people! Stop acting Like Kellen Rice is a Goddess, cos she’s not, and will never be.”

    Please Don’t Tell Me You’re Attempting To Compare Harry Potter To TWILIGHT?

  141. twilightlover

    OK Mr. or MRs. Twilighthater, just becasue you use oversized words doesn’t make your comment anymore insightful than mine. I agree who should agree to disagree but you reasons are stupid. You don’t say one reason why you hate it. And my personal guess is because you are just trying to be different from everyone else. One problem with is that you might actualy like it. All your reasons are agianst twilight lovers and not the actual movie. So if you would please just think about this….. WE LIKE IT, IT’S GOOD, GET OVER IT!

  142. twilightlover

    We meet again twilighthater. Let me tell you something. Everyone is intitled to their own opinion; however, it is never necesesary to voice such opinions in crude and rude manners. In both the Harry Potter and Twilight movies fantastical events do take place. It is within each persons mind that they decide whether or not they enjoy these types of major motion pictures. Just because you feel the need to lash out at young teens who enjoy Twilight doesn’t mean that you reserve the right to be withdrawn from the situation. YOU HAVE STARTED THE WAR and TWILIGHT FANS AROUND THE WORLD WILL FINISH IT.

  143. emily

    Hahaha. I actually am a Twilight fan but I do admit that everything you have said about the movie and the books is absolutely spot on. Edward’s glitter skin was hilarious. Who knew glittery skin came with sparkling sound effects?
    His acting when he first met Bella was extremely laughable! He sat there with his hand over his mouth looking EXACTLY like he was constipated. I actually did love Jackson Rathbone as Jasper though. Although all he did was look like more like a zombie than a vampire he was still cute. What was with the one-liners though?! ‘Hold on tight spider-monkey’ and the whole lion and lamb thing; ‘what a sick, masochistic lion’were cringe inducig. What normal teenager says that kind of stuff?! Please, if a guy ever had that sort of conversation with me I’d drop to the ground laughing and probably wet myself before I hit him over the head with a saucepan and ran off.The best scene of the whole movie was between Bella and Charlie, when she had to leave. It was the only scene I re-wound and watched again, just because it was so genuine and the acting was (finally) perfect. That scene made me feel so sorry for Charlie and it was on of the few times that some of the characters seemed like people rather than stiffly drawn cardboard cut outs that pranced along looking hot and yelling ‘ooh, don’t eat the human you naughty hot bad vampire. oo-hhoo, I’m a sexy glittery spider-monkey vampire.’

  144. Ally

    You know what i admire about your review of the book and of the movie? that you actually read the books and watched the movie and then judged it rather then just judging it right of the back like others who think it to be drivel about emo vampires actually saving the helpless damsel in distress instead of feasting on her blood. I’ve read the first two books and saw the movie and i can actually understand where your coming from, but as you said in your article, i want to read the other two books just out of morbid curiosity even though i now know what happens because i read your article, which was good too. The movie was pretty stupid, i actually don’t think it should even be considered a movie because it rightfully belongs in the ranks of the deteriorating Disney channel crap like hannah montanna and the jonas brothers. The special effects were terrible and the one closeup i remember specifically is the one of edward, i guess in the movie when he introduces himself to bella, where you can see the robert pattinson is wearing contact lenses! The only parts i enjoyed were the baseball scene, even though it was in slow-mo, and the ending where edward and james fight. One thing i do disagree with you on is the acting. You may have thought that robert pattinson’s acting was bad and stewart’s was okay, but really, it was bad all around. Although i love rob, the two main characters were terrible but i blamed rob’s acting on the fact that edward was emo, constipated and tortured in the books too, and stewart just can’t act except in the ending when she was wriggling, i think that experience came from Panic Room when she played a diabetic. God! Jasper was so in pain, Edward seemed like he was being tortured! But i suppose i was ok, It’s sad though that everything you say are my own thoughts yet still i’m curious as to what will happen in the other two books i have yet to read and the new moon movie.

  145. Anna

    Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou for this review! What a perfect summation of everything I thought and felt (though you were a lot more generous with Kristen Stewart’s acting than I was). I went to see Twilight knowing it would be horrible, but little did I know what comedy gold it would be! Your review was spot on, and it was even funnier than the movie unintentionally was. Thank you for the comment about Jackson Rathborne’s acting. I wasn’t quite sure what to say his face looked like, but “Did I just fart?” was perfect.

  146. Dodie

    Being a fan of the books, I will have to admit that i thought this review was actually quite hilarious. I was actually disappointed in the movie more than what i thought i would be. well, on certain parts anyway. I like that you stayed unbiased in this review more than your other reviews. This was a breath of fresh air.

    Oh, and if anyone wants to critize me, I am not an adolescent girl. I am a full grown woman with four kids that likes to read. I do like the books and that is my opinion. just as you are entitled to yours on why you don’t read them.

  147. David

    Despite the fact that the books and movies are awful (my sis forced me to read & watch them… The horror! D:) you put yourself through that pain in order to write an accurate reveiw. Thanks so much! I need to make my sister read this!

    Btw I read your book reveiw as well. Awesome. 🙂

  148. bellaB

    I have been studying film making and art. The way Hardwicke uses the camera is something that was ‘developed’ by female film makers. In Finland we have Pirjo Honkasalo, a female documentarist, whose films in India or Russia, are so good, because she uses unsteady camera. That enables the viewer become as a part of the scene, makes it life like. That’s something I have seen done by few female directores only. It is the key to create the emotional closeness and atmosphere we have been soaked in.

    Also the slow motion and the music are they key factors to draw us in. We don’t need too much action. It must be some difference in the brain of people who are sensitive, drawn by poetic music and the people who need constant stimulus of action. And it’s not a gender thing.

    If you see the film Piano, it has similar componenets: the beautiful landscape, great music and the difficult love traingle. It’s also made by a female director.

    • KingbobulousIII

      You know, I remember thinking at the time of watching it (on my laptop at noon with the curtains closed) that despite all the terrible acting, terrible screenplay, constipation, hair and sparkling, the camera work and blue-wash lighting effects were pretty good.
      It was the one concession I made at the time to an otherwise awful, if hilarious, film. It’s nice to know there is some underlying reasoning to my knee-jerk reaction. I loved The Piano.
      Film is something I hope to be studying in the near future. Thanks for your insight.

  149. Chloe

    I love this review. It certainly had me laughing. I love how you say the ‘sparkling’ was just his own perspiration and then in the DVD commentary himself, Pattinson makes the comment over himself talking at that point ‘I’m sorry Bella, I’m just a sweaty man.’ Don’t think he thought much of those special effects either. Your comments on the jasper ‘did I just fart?’ expression are priceless. Another comparison I have seen and also agree with is the similarity of his expression to that of edward scissorhands. There is a video on youtube somewhere that shows it perfectly. Love your reviews, they make me lol.

  150. Chloe H


    I love this review. I couldn’t stop laughing at ‘expression that doesn’t quite say “I’m in pain because of the humans” so much as it does “Maybe if I just stand here, no one will notice.”’

    Oh haven’t laughed that hard for a long time. But, seriously I like the books and movie and found your blog while trying to break the Twilight addiction, seriously trying. It’s helped and I enjoyed reading all of them; the book review, follow-up review and this hilarious number.

    to take a line out of Green Eggs and ham(a much better book)
    Thank you, thank you Sam-I-Am (I mean you but not in a mean way) 🙂

  151. Michelle

    I just wanted to say that you are a genius! Everything you said about the movie is true. I’ll take your word about the books. I didn’t read them, the movie discouraged me too much. I’m amazed that you were able to read all of the books, and still remain somewhat sane. I know I shouldn’t judge the books yet, but the movie….

  152. Tasha

    bahahahahahahhaa.. kellen, you are the MAN (said with utter conviction)!! hahahahahaahahaha, this is the skin of the killer?! awwwwwwwwwww, how cute really, bahahahahahah. . man I took more than an hour to stop laughing. . hahahaha. . I do agree with you about the director deciding to make a spoof rather than adapt it . . hey is the director related to Manysyllable Meyer?! she sure sounds like one . . Am gonna ask all my friends to read your articles . . you ROCKKKKKKKKKK

  153. Selvero

    Excellent reviews, well written and intelligent. I have to confess to being a fan of the series while at the same time being quite uncomfortable about the female ‘heroine’ issue you wrote about in your first review of the books.
    As for the movie, I can’t help but enjoy it even if it makes me laugh out loud in several places – but I can’t believe you didn’t mention the hilarious reaction Edward has to Bella when she walks into the classroom (queue slow mo hair blowing and dark ominous music) which still makes me laugh.
    I think you may find the following equally hilarious picture gallery of the top ten examples of why the Twilight films are laughable… from Australia, this one is entitled ‘Picture Gallery: Acting so bad, its good! Twilight’s top ten ridiculous facials’ http://yourmovies.com.au/news/?i=175586&action=news

  154. Ox the idol

    sarcastic, smart and funny review as usual^^
    i laugh so hard when i read your thought about the dialogue of eddy’s skins

  155. Isabel

    You know, the first person that commented was right, I can’t stand it when someone says, ‘I don’t have to watch Twilight to know that it SUCKS!’ when they go watch it the next day and like it. I completely agree with you Ms Rice, the lines are the way they are acted out made me embarrassed to be in the same room as the person I’m watching it with.
    Now, something that I never managed to get over in the movie was when Carlisle told Edward and Bella to go and Edward tries to do Bella’s seat belt. Now THAT is the true part to be embarrassed in. Did they put it in to make Edward look like a 107 year old Grandfather? Well-it worked. Since when does your boyfriend do your seatbelt for you. Now, I know that to this article, I’m in the future but New Moon…the scene where Bella and Edward are running through the forest couldn’t get ANY more cheesy.
    Well done, this article made me laugh out loud!


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