Here are my Week 2 NFL picks. For true entertainment, match my picks with what actually happened on Monday and Tuesday. It will be good times for all I assure you.

Oakland Raiders (+3) at Kansas City Chiefs

Sweet Jesus. Basically your choices are crap sandwich or diarrhea milkshake. I think the Raiders are too fractured to win many games. Head coach Lane Kiffin is about 18-years old and I heard today that his defensive coaches don’t let him in on gameplan meetings. WOW. True? I have no idea, but I like to spread rumors. Damon Huard gets the start at QB for the Chiefs and I’ll pause while you all dive to your fantasy football waiver wire to put in a claim. Both of these teams stink, but I’m giving the nod to the Chiefs. Fantasy stud: ***crickets chirping*** Fantasy Sleeper: Zack Miller. Fantasy Dud: Darren McFadden.

Tennessee Titans (+1) at Cincinnati Bengals

Vince Young cries and threatens to quit football when he gets booed, but that’s ok, he’s not playing this week. A veteran of getting booed, Kerry Collins will command the ship and that could be a good thing. Chris Johnson and Lendale White will run all over a Bengals team that looks awful in all phases of the game. I don’t know what has happened to Carson Palmer, but he has been terrible and so has his team. I’m taking the Titans. Fantasy Stud: Chris Johnson. Fantasy Sleeper: Chris Johnson. Fantasy Dud: Carson Palmer.

Indianapolis Colts (-1.5) at Minnesota Vikings

At times last week I was impressed with the Vikings’ d-line at other times…not so much. On the other hand, I was incredibly disappointed with the Colts and Peyton Manning in particular. I spoke with a source close to a television that said Manning looks tentative. I would pick the Vikings in this game if it were not for the fact that I choose not to do so. I have to go with the Colts because the only difference between Tarvaris Jackson and a chilled jar of a giraffe’s snatch juice is the jar. Fantasy Stud: Reggie Wayne. Fantasy Sleeper: Sidney Rice. Fantasy Dud: Marvin Harrison.

New Orleans Saints at Washington Redskins

No line on this one? I know Marques Colston is out and the Saints have two crappy starting WR’s, but I still have to go with the Saints. I don’t hate the ‘Skins, but I don’t love them either. Jason Campbell is still learning his 34th system in four years, and he’ll probably struggle early. The front seven of the Redskins – Jason Taylor admits his knee is sore to quite sore – does not have the juice to get pressure on Brees, and he will hurt you with time. I’ll take the Saints. Fantasy Stud: Drew Brees. Fantasy Sleeper: Devery Henderson. Fantasy Dud: Reggie Bush.

Green Bay Packers (-3) at Detroit Lions

Hmmmm….this is a toughie. The Packers looked strong on both sides of the ball last week against a solid to quite solid Vikings team. On the other hand, the Detroit Lions looked like a warm bucket of hamster vomit against a crap-ass Falcon team. Will the Packers really be able to score at least four points more than the Lions? Geez, I don’t know. The Lions will have 5,000 screaming fans in the dome and Rogers might not be able to hear anything. Fantasy Stud: Greg Jennings. Fantasy Sleeper: Donald Lee. Fantasy Dud: Jon Kitna.

Chicago Bears (+3) at Carolina Panthers

Isn’t this interesting? Two teams winning games last week over two teams they had no business beating…on the road. How do you handicap this game? I’m going Bears because their defense looks like it could be way better than I thought. No Steve Smith? Sorry, Carolina. Fantasy Stud: Matt Forte. Fantasy Sleeper: Jonathon Stewart. Fantasy Dud: Devin Hester.

NY Giants (-8.5) at St. Louis Rams

The Rams blow goats. They are miserable and I expect nothing to change this week. Yes, 8.5 is a lot of points to give up, but the Rams are dreadful. While I don’t believe the Giants are your typical defending Super Bowl champs, do you have any idea what Justin Tuck is going to do to Marc Bulger? Bulger drops into a cocoon at the slightest hint of pressure. Well, Tuck will make sure that there is the slightest hint. Fantasy Stud: Brandon Jacobs. Fantasy Sleeper: Eli Manning. Fantasy Dud: Torry Holt/Steven Jackson. Both of them.

Philadelphia Eagles (+7) at Dallas Cowboys

This is one of the toughest games to pick of the week. My gut says that Dallas won’t manhandle the Birds, but they will win by at least 10. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Eagles won, nor would I be shocked if it was close. I just think it’s too early and Dallas is too good right now. Fantasy Stud: Jason Witten. Fantasy Sleeper: DeSean Jackson. Fantasy Dud: Eagles DEF.

About The Author

Micah Warren is a sports writer from New York and the founder of Blast's sports section and the Off the Record sports blog.

4 Responses

  1. Perry

    Micah, your picks are phenomenal. You know so much about football, but Oakland? Dwayne Bowe wins that game by himself? He’s playing QB?


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