Oddly enough I received an email today from a third party that sent me a transcript (verbatim) of an interesting meeting that happened today. Apparently, Paul Pierce called a joint meeting between the Celtics and the Lakers today after both teams’ shoot-arounds to discuss the NBA Finals. It was a quick meeting, but I wanted to share the conversation that happened today with our readers. Enjoy:

Paul Pierce: First off, I want to thank everyone for being able to make it tonight. This might seem very odd that I requested we all get together, but I thought it would give us time to reflect on how important this series is to the NBA past and the NBA future. People write about how the NBA is going downhill, and how the players aren’t as good as they used to be, and how we lack the fundamentals that made this sport so popular back in the day.

Eddie House: Are you saying that isn’t true? I mean, Doc only puts me in there to shoot the ball. I don’t even know how to do anything else. And I don’t even shoot the ball that good to be perfectly honest. I’m a career 40% shooter. But when I make a big play I want everyone watching to know it was me, so I scream and pound my chest.

Paul Peirce: Eddie, this is what I mean. We need to focus on the game. We have a lot of talent in this room and we have a perfect opportunity to prove these people wrong. We can play this game just as well as Bird, Magic, McHale, Worthy, Walton…

Luke Walton (interrupts): Thanks Paul.

Paul Pierce: No, I meant your dad, Luke. Your dad knew the game. He knew how to play his position. He knew how to play his role. Let’s show everyone we can do that. And by the way, we have pizza over there compliments of Kobe, so thank Kobe when you get a chance.

Glen Davis: Oh yeah!! Thanks Kobe, how many slices does everyone get?

Paul Pierce: Settle down, Glen, we have a game tomorrow. Don’t stuff your face. You’re fat as it is.

Jordan Farmar: Kobe’s a great teammate. He hangs out with us and buys us dinner. He even surprised us during Game 7 of the Spurs/Hornets series with a Jaeger-LeCoultre Master Compressor Chronograph timepiece, personalized with an engraving of our names and the year.

**Kevin Garnett is in the corner punching his face, grunting, and talking to himself**

Ronny Turiaf: Hey Paul, is Kevin alright over there?

Paul Pierce: Yeah, just ignore him. He’s getting himself pumped up for the game. We haven’t been able to communicate with him for a solid month, now. Half the time I don’t even know who he is talking to. Today at the shoot-around he made a fifteen-footer and started walking down the court yelling obscenities at Tom Thibodeau. Then he proceeded up the aisle between Loge 13 and Loge 14 pounding his chest. He disappeared into the concourse for about two minutes until we heard him over the loud speaker screaming “Nobody can stop me” in Chinese. It’s something we have grown accustomed to.

Ronny Turiaf: Did Yao teach him how to say that?

Paul Pierce: I think so. I think it was that game in March of ’06 when Yao dumped thirty on’em. KG’s a quick learner. He didn’t even need college. He’s crazy.

James Posey: Yeah, I just hug him a lot. And not the quick handshake hug. I grab him and hold him for about ten seconds and whisper things in his ear. I even do this right before the game starts. Right before KG steps on the court for the opening tip. That’s my role on this team. I actually hug everyone before they go into the games. I just like to hug KG for an extra nine seconds.

Lamar Odom: Yeah, I noticed that, that’s kinda creepy. By the way, I know we said we wouldn’t talk strategy, but which one of you is going to guard me? I’m a serious match-up problem.

Paul Pierce: It actually might be me, but let’s get our focus back. Derek, in your opinion, who are the players in here tonight that you think play a fundamentally sound game?

Derek Fisher: Well, Kobe of course. I’d say myself. On your team, you, KG, and Ray Ray.

Pau Gasol: You forget me Derek?

Derek Fisher: Don’t get me wrong Pau, I think you are a great player, but you gotta play tougher. I think you might be in for a rude awakening when KG is posting you up. I don’t want you to get soft on the defensive side of the ball. Defense is a huge part of this game.

Lamar Odom: And me?

Derek Fisher: Well, Lamar, sometimes you completely disappear during games. Sometimes I forget that you are even on the court. You are an amazing player when you want to be, but you need to want that all the time. Like you said, you are a huge mismatch in this series. You could be the X-factor if you want to be.

Paul Pierce: This is why I called this meeting. I want us to get upset. I want you guys to not just prove to them out there that we can play this game, but let’s prove to ourselves that we can make this an amazing NBA Finals. We have that chance, despite our coach not understanding our personnel and when to play who with who.

Luke Walton: Yeah, I’m glad we have Phil coaching us. You guys have a severe disadvantage with Doc Rivers as your coach.

Coby Karl: My dad coaches for Denver.

Luke Walton: I don’t think that is anything to be proud of, Coby. My dad knows the game better than your dad knows the game.

Paul Pierce: Stop it you two…

**Glen Davis heads back to get more pizza**

Ray Allen: Yo Big Fatty, save some for us.

Glen Davis: This pepperoni is sooooooo good. The grease just melts in my mouth.

Rajon Rondo: When are we going to discuss the fact that I ruin the flow of our offense by not taking the open shot? I don’t think I have the confidence to hit the open jumper. That’s why I always pass the ball with two to three seconds left on the shot clock. Luckily, KG has bailed me out during these playoffs. I mean, if anyone other than Sam Cassell was coming off the bench to replace me I might not be getting the playing time that I’ve been getting.

Paul Pierce: Just shoot the ball. You need to hit that jumper. Kobe, correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys are gonna give that shot to Rondo all day, correct?

Kobe Bryant: All day baby, but let me get this straight, you said you might be guarding Lamar? Then who is guarding me?

Paul Pierce: It actually might be me. We don’t know yet. Lamar is creating problems for us. Maybe Ray will guard you, I don’t know.

Ray Allen: I don’t want to guard Kobe. I don’t even know if I found my shot again or not. I’ve been concentrating soley on that. And if I’m guarding Kobe, I’m spending all of my energy on stopping him, so my offense will most likely be non existent.

Kobe Bryant: Yeah, Ray Ray can’t guard me, so it has to be you Paul.

Lamar Odom: So, is KG gonna guard me then? Or is Ray?

Paul Pierce: We don’t know. We probably won’t know the best match-up until Game 4. We said we wouldn’t talk about this. GLEN, GET AWAY FROM THE PIZZA. YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH!

Brian Scalabrine: If I may interject here…

Everyone (Interrupts): “Shut up Brian!”

Brian Scalabrine: Fair enough, I’ll just sit right back here in the corner like I have been.

Sasha Vujacic: I honestly think I am going to be a big player in this series. Actually, our whole bench is going to dominate. I feel Jordan is going to cause major problems for Sammy if Doc keeps on putting him in for some stupid reason. And I really don’t think Posey can handle Luke at all. How old are you PJ? Look for us to spread the lead during the beginning of the second and fourth quarters with our 3-point shooting.

PJ Brown: Thanks for that Sasha. I didn’t realize you could speak that well. And I’m 38 by the way. Our bench has veteran leadership. It doesn’t matter that we suck and we are too old to play this game. What matters is experience. Sammy couldn’t even guard Eric Snow right now, but he has two rings. And that is why Danny brought him here.

Chris Mihm: I just want to introduce myself to everyone. I’m Chris. I play for the Lakers.

Everyone: “Hey Chris.”

Paul Pierce: I think we got away from what I wanted to accomplish tonight, but I guess I can expect that due to the situation and all. All I’m saying is that we all should focus on making this a great Finals. The talent is obviously here in the room to make this a great series. Everyone that ever put a Laker or Celtic uniform on will be watching us and I don’t think we want any of them thinking to themselves, “What happened to the talent in this league…”

Kendrick Perkins (interrupts): Do you think they will make an exception for me? I try to blend in with you guys by talking smack and having a cocky look on my face after every good play we make. When I walk off the court with my chin up I want the world to know I’m the starting center for the Boston Celtics. But at the end of the day, I’m still the guy who runs like he took a huge dump in his pants.

Paul Pierce: Yes, there might be worse starting centers in this league, Kendrick (leans over to Kobe and says under his breath, “but not many”), but you’re our starting center and we need you. So guys, let’s make this the best NBA Finals. Let’s treat the NBA fans to something special. Let’s show everyone that the NBA isn’t dying. This has a Game 7 written all over it.

Kobe Bryant: I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I’m ending this thing in five.

Perry: This is actually what I imagined happened today. However, I feel the same as Kobe, Lakers in five.

About The Author

Perry is a Blast Magazine staff writer. He's usually seen on our Off the Record sports blog.

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