The Favorites
The Pogues “Fairytale of New York”
Christmas Eve in a New York City drunk tank, a down on their luck dueting Irish couple (Pogues singer Shane McGowan and Kirsty McColl) trade insults and heartbreak before the holiday magic sets in. My all-time favorite.
The Kinks “Father Christmas”
Blending economic reality with dreams of beating up a department store Santa, the Kinks rock their way to second on the list.
KC101 “Christmas in East Haven”
DJ’s from radio station KC101 (WKCI 101.3) sing about a place very near and dear to me: East Haven, CT. This song became a local favorite when it came out years ago and is still pretty accurate. For those of you who have not been to East Haven—visit. The town was also the setting for the opening of Oceans’s 12.
“Oi to the World”
Written and originally performed by the Vandals, I prefer No Doubt’s version of this song about a gang war on Christmas. “If God came down on Christmas Day, I know exactly what he’d say / He’d say Oi to the punks! Oi to the skins! Check out this awesome song and everybody wins!”
The Darkness “Christmas Time”
This song rocks so much you’d wish it was Christmas every day just so you can play it.
Run-DMC “Christmas in Hollis”
Like DMC with the mic in his hands, with this song you’ll be chillin’ and coolin’ like a snow man.
The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”
This song was actually recorded by some of the lesser-known members of the Queens punk band: Rudolph Ramone, Donner Ramone, Dixon Ramone and Dancer Ramone. The original title was the “Blitzen Bop.”
Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Songs
There are a lot of famous Jews; more than enough for a fourth installment. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David haven’t been honored yet.
Blink 182 “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas”
Who hasn’t lashed out on a bunch of Christmas carolers? I haven’t because I’ve never seen or heard of Christmas carolers going door to door singing outside of movies and TV. I feel that’s another Hollywood myth like families passing down wedding rings.
Billy Mack “Christmas is All Around”
This is the song in Love Actually. I saw it and thought it was very good. Even better when you think of all the washed-up real-life rock stars who should resurrect their careers with a Christmas record that is really a remake of an earlier hit. I don’t know about you, but I’d be ecstatic for a “Winter of ’69.”
Mr. Garrison “Merry Fucking Christmas”
The title says it all.
Dr. Elmo “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
A classic. I agree: they should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves. Seriously, have you ever been stuck behind a sleigh on the road? Not cool.
John Lennon “So This is Christmas”
Someone answer me this: how many John Lennon songs involve children singing in the background? It has to be a greater proportion than any other musician, greater than the ratio of jokes about kids to songs by Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.
“Blue Christmas”
I actually might have to go with Bright Eyes’ remake of this Elvis tune. Blasphemous I know, but who’s more believable in having a blue Christmas.
“Jingle Bell Rock”
Originally done by Bobby Helms in 1957, this song has been covered by everyone, including Hall and Oates, Billy Idol, Hilary Duff, Randy Travis, Brian Setzer and Arcade Fire. I can only hope Andrew W.K. takes up the cause.
“Christmas Wrapping”
The Waitresses did the original but Save Ferris remade it with Monique singing about being a Jew on Christmas in LA and even asking why Adam Sandler didn’t give her a shout-out.
Eazy-E “Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas”
Yes, this is a real song. Christmas in Compton.
Anything by Bob Rivers and Twisted Radio
From “I Am Santa Claus” (“Iron Man”) to “Police Stop My Car” (“Feliz Navidad”), Bob Rivers is the king of Christmas parody. Here’s an idea: “Santa’s Little Helper” to the Stones’ “Mother’s Little Helper.”
Artists that Should Record Christmas Songs
Buckcherry
It might actually be a good thing Buckcherry doesn’t have a Christmas song yet. If they did, its inevitable awesomeness would generate so much holiday spirit that the entire Pacific Northwest would be leveled to fill the need for Christmas trees it would produce.
Mandy Moore
This is mainly so Mandy could make a video in which she dresses in a Santa hat and suit. I think it should also include a hot tub. Baby, it’s cold outside.
Rage Against the Machine
With all the commercialism and injustice on Christmas, how has Rage not written a song about it?
Afroman
I’m sure he’d be able to write something about hos, Christmas “trees” and unwrapping some Colt .45. He probably even started, but then got high.
Bruce Springsteen
Bruce’s Christmas song would give the entire history of Christmas and before performing it at a sold-out arena, he would tell the entire story behind the song and what he was doing while he wrote it. Scrooge would be a character that really represents the government and the record would sell 20 million copies.
I Didn’t Forget These Songs, They Just Suck
Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”
Sucks might be too strong a word. Annoying is too weak.
Dave Matthews “Christmas Song”
Too boring.
Late addition: “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al
It’s by Weird Al and based on “Black Gold” by Soul Asylum. Far from Miracle on 34th Street, this ballad about a “yuletide Rambo” is not only holiday gold, but possibly one of Weird Al’s best songs and that’s saying a lot. Come on, it includes ‘reindeer sausage.’ Speaking of Rambo, has anyone else seen previews for a new Rambo movie? Please tell me I’m not imagining things.
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