The Bitter Irishman tackles St. Patty’s Day

As an Irishman, nothing excites me more than the mother of all Irish celebrations: St. Patrick’s Day (or St. Patty’s Day for those of you who don’t speak Gaelic). If wearing embarrassing green shirts that demand mouth-to-mouth salutation, drinking copious amounts of green beer, picking fist fights with total strangers, or vomiting on the sidewalk doesn’t sound like an amazing way to honor a saint and his heritage, then you must be crazy!

Not Irish? No need to worry. Just pretend to be Irish by acting like a mindless drunkard like everyone else.

For those of you who are still unsure as to how to live it up Irish-style, I’ll help you out.

First you need a great, festive outfit. One option is to wear a shirt like my uncle Steve wears;  it reads "Kiss Me I’m Irish". That’s right, a guaranteed kiss just because you claim to be Irish. Now I can’t prove that this actually works, but why else would a cool, unemployed guy like my uncle Steve wear one every St. Patrick’s Day? He sure looks happy in his ill-fitting green shirt as he comes out of my grandmother’s basement holding a bag of Cheetos. If you think this shirt is too overdone, I’ve thought of some of the other hysterical shirts I saw last St. Patrick’s Day.

For the guys: "Kiss My Ass, It’s Irish." See, this is a funny take on the classic shirt described above, but it’s even funnier because it involves an ass. Another one I liked said "Dublin Up," and featured a drawing of a leprechaun double fisting beers. This one is a pun. Instead of it saying "doubling up," it uses the Irish city of Dublin. But I guess you’ve got to be good with geography to get this one.

T-shirts not doing it for you? Wear a kilt! Yes, I know kilts are Scottish and this makes anyone who wears one on St. Patrick’s Day look like an asshole, but come on, it’s a kilt!  Kilts are more or less plaid skirts. Don’t even think about wearing them though, girls. Only men can dress as Catholic school girls on this holiday! You can accessorize your skirt with what is undoubtedly the worst sounding instrument known to man: the bag pipe!

Now you need some place to go. This is the easiest part because every single restaurant or bar in the United States celebrates St. Patrick’s Day. Tony Ditonelli’s Pizzeria, Goldman’s Kosher Deli and Magic Chan’s are all sure to have a shamrock on their door and great St. Patty’s Day Specials inside. Hell, even McDonald’s is serving up Shamrock Shakes. However, it’s preferable to squeeze yourself in to an authentic Irish pub. Anything with a name like Monahan and Fitzgerald’s, Patty McGarvey’s, Chubby McGuire’s or Jackie’s Lucky Shamrock will do. After you’ve found your destination, the objective is simple: get completely wasted, and don’t stop drinking. If you’re still able to make reasonable decisions, then you haven’t drank enough. Someone looking at you funny? Punch them in the face! This is St. Patrick’s Day after all! If you feel like you can’t possibly drink anymore or don’t feel like getting into an ol’ fashioned Irish brawl, just think about everything that St. Patrick has done for you. Are you really going to let down a saint? I think not. So suck it up, and throw back another Guinness.