A breakdown in communication usually comes from a combination of financial problems, children, and work/home related stress. The hectic pace of life can leave married men and women feeling alone and invisible to their spouse. Chatting online with someone who doesn’t have these responsibilities allows cheaters to become visible and human again–putting their needs and wants first. The biggest draw of an online relationship is the ability to "live out" the fantasy of what life was like before kids and a mortgage–with no compromise and no commitment.

A volatile investment

Relationships are among the biggest personal investments one can make. They demand a huge leap of faith and a large dose of trust that some aren’t willing to give–especially in a high-tech world where cheating has become more accessible, and a likely scenario. Much like a credit check before lending money or getting a home inspection before purchasing a house, men and women across the nation are now doing virtual background checks and keeping tabs on spouses with private investigators, computer spy software, and ironically, using their main nemesis–the Internet.

WomanSavers is the largest database for spouses, mainly wives, to deal with their husbands’ infidelity–although men post on the boards too. The creator, Stephany—who gives only her first name because of the threats she receives because of the site—wanted to construct a safe heaven for men and women dealing with cheating spouses.

WomanSavers was created in response to websites like AffairMatch, AshleyMadison, and AdultDiscreet — sites that provide married men and women direct contact with singles or other attached parties to chat or meet up. There are over 8 million sex sites that target the married or attached audience looking to cheat and these Web sites make having an affair seem easily, all about great sex, and having little repercussions.

Stephany knows differently, having been in an abusive and hurtful relationship in the past. "I experienced various forms of abuse as a child and as an adult and decided it was time to stop being hurt and start doing something to prevent further abuse for others — and I knew there could be a way through technology," Stephany wrote in an e-mail correspondence.

Her site has grown to be one of the most popular for women to post about their experiences and, within hours, receives advice from women in similar situations, and also receive free medical and psychotherapy counseling.

"WomanSavers.com is famous for teaching women tricks on how to catch a cheater and there is an entire section [on the site] dedicated to that," wrote Stephany. "The site is extremely popular to post about cheaters and lying and abusive men. There are tens of thousands of men currently listed."

Another solution for cyber cheating is hiring a private investigator. Mark Chauppetta is one of the best PIs in Massachusetts. For $75 dollars an hour plus expenses, Chauppetta and his team will run surveillance, stake outs and take photos for clients.

"You’ll find a lot of people are unhappy in their marriage and go to find people through MySpace or dating services,” said Chauppetta. “Computers, within the last five years or so, have become a tip-off for a lot of my clients because they’ll notice something on the family computer. People get lazy and sloppy and that’s when they get caught."

The paranoia of meeting somebody online and cheating has grown so intense that Chauppetta will meet clients who are just starting a relationship that come to him for background checks and surveillance — just to be on the safe side. Many men and women who have been burned in past relationships aren’t willing to put it all on the line again until they have hard, solid proof that the person they are dating is legitimate, with no online secret identities or mistresses’ hiding in the closet.

Many are of the philosophy to trust a partner until given evidence or an inkling that the trust has been abused before going to a PI or website; however, those who have been cheated on in the past prefer to know everything up front, having experienced the pain and the expenses associated with being in a serious relationship.

"Nowadays, divorce and marriage are pricey and if you have to jump into a serious commitment given the world we live in, it’s smart to collect intelligence on people, as sneaky and shady as it sounds. It’s a good idea," said Chauppetta.

Chauppetta doesn’t use the Internet on many domestic cases because he believes good old-fashioned PI work gets the best results, but not everybody can afford to hire someone to follow a cheating spouse. Spector Software has provided an in-home solution for people who suspect their husband or wife is cheating. They’ve created a program, eBlaster, that can be installed on any computer and will take snapshots of the websites checked and also create a list of domains and pages that are visited. The software, once used by businesses to track employees’ web surfing habits, has now become a popular method for tracking cheaters.

"The monitor hides very well on a computer. There’s no icon and it’s not listed in the tasks manager," explained Steve Grohol, who works in technical support at Spector. "You can even hide it in other programs."

For many, these solutions come too late. According to Chauppetta, his clients usually know about the affair before they even come to him, but use his groundwork at closure. "Very rarely am I breaking the news to somebody that their husband or wife is cheating. By the time they come to me, they are emotionally detached and the marriage is ruined."

Standards

Back in South Boston, Dana confided over coffee that she thinks K is adding to his own bullpen of lovers. That poses a problem, as Dana is looking for a two-women kind of guy. Two years after their affair began, K replied to one of Dana’s anonymous Craigslist posts–a post where she requested responses only from men who did not have a current mistress–something that disqualifies K.

Dana says she confronted K about it and he tried to play if off as a joke, yet she can’t help but feel hurt and upset by the thought that K is cheating on her.

"It’s stupid, I know he’s a cheater," she said. "I keep that e-mail he sent in my inbox, to always remind me of what he is: a cheater."

This is a surprising reaction from the woman who has walked K through the entire cheating process, from online chats, to lunch dates, to sex. And what started out as a need to get laid has brought Dana into an emotional relationship, which was something she was trying to avoid, especially with a man who cheats on her. And K has no plans on stopping his cyber affairs–even now with a baby on board. Only weeks ago K’s wife announced that she is pregnant with their first child. Since the news dropped, K hasn’t brought up ending the affair with Dana, and the two continue to see each other as much as possible.

Her disappointment with K, however, has not stopped Dana from having sex with other married men. There’s a powerful lure in sleeping with another woman’s man, and she enjoys holding the upper hand–although her experiences with K have shown that she does not, in fact, hold the winning cards. For K their relationship is just sex and he can find that anywhere online, while for Dana it’s an investment that has gone sour.

Lounging on the couch, Dana notices it’s 8 o’clock and time for her favorite TV shows, "Two and A Half Men" and "The New Adventures of Old Christine." During commercial breaks she shows some of the other e-mails men have sent her in response to her latest post, including M, a 31-year-old attorney looking to have a long-term affair. In an e-mail to Dana he wrote: "I am with someone that I truly love, but with whom I very rarely get any level of sexual fulfillment. I am not a Mimbo… I’ve thought long and hard about this decision and I do not want to be unsafe in practice nor in numbers."

Dana is considering adding M to her list of lovers. She flips through several other e-mails and shares one of her favorites from K, a sweet note letting her know that he missed her this weekend and smooth talking his way back into her bedroom.

That’s the thing about cyber cheaters: They hide behind a screen and type a few simple words, an apology, and a promise not to do it again, and are back in the cheating business. K has convinced Dana that he is sincere in his feelings toward her, and that he’s committed to their relationship– a lie she believes knowing K will continue to respond to sex ads and use the Internet to cyber cheat not just on Dana, but on his wife.

MUSTANGXX:
Hey sexy, when I was reading the ad, I thought that might be you. Don’t worry darling, I’m not trying to replace you, that would be impossible. I’m honestly not looking to replace you, and I could never get sick of you.

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About The Author

Meghan Gargan is a Blast Magazine staff writer

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