If the Season Five premiere indicated anything, it was that Lost needs to give every character parents as cool as Hurley’s. But unfortunately, I don’t think Sayid’s dad could also be Cheech Marin.

Aside from that, the two-hour premiere was as epic as expected. The characters left on the island are in danger, moving through time and space quicker than their human brains can comprehend. Their camp is gone because it “hasn’t been built yet,” friends — like Desmond in the hatch and mysterious Other Richard Alpert — become gun-wielding foes and Charlotte’s nosebleed and memory loss looms as ominous signs for the rest of the castaways.

On the mainland, lawyers (and an unnamed client) come after Kate to prove her maternity of Aaron; Jack and Ben work together to gather the survivors for what Ben has convinced Jack is a very necessary trip back to the island and Hurley and Sayid run into a group of assassins trying to kill them for reasons only an unconscious Sayid knows, while Hurley hides as the media pegs him for three murders Sayid committed.
Interesting points:

Sayid says they should “do the opposite” of whatever Ben tells them to do. Hurley takes this advice to heart when he turns himself into the police for murder rather than return with Ben.

Kate meets up with Sun, who passive aggressively blames her for Jin’s death aboard the freighter. Sun, by the way, has become a fierce bitch between this season and last. She’s dealing with Charles Widmore and tells him she too wants to kill Ben.

The writers are clearly setting us up for some guilty-dirty-Juliet-and-Sawyer-sex because Sawyer believes Kate died on the helicopter and Juliet…well, the man has his shirt off for the whole first hour – can we really blame her?

Faraday manipulates time to plant a memory in Desmond’s mind about their meeting (as each other’s constants) and how he needs to find Faraday’s mother in order to remember, and save, the rest of the survivors.

In the end, Ben approaches a woman in a church who we’ve seen before: the enigmatic Mrs. Hawking. She tells Ben he’s only got 70 hours to convince everyone to return and to find the constantly-moving island. He tells her he obviously needs more time and she tells him to suck it up. My theory here is Hawking is Faraday’s mother.

The Others are apparently running a butcher shop where Ben is storing John Locke’s frozen corpse. While traveling through time, Richard tells Locke he is going to have to die in order to bring everyone back. I think once Locke hits island soil, he’ll be resurrected – have we mentioned Locke is a metaphor for Christ yet? No? You sure?

After finally getting a name and some screen time, Frogurt bites the dust. (Okay, that wasn’t interesting but it was pretty funny. If this show does nothing else, it gives viewers some seriously awesome death scenes – I’m looking at you, Arzt.)

Another theory: My friend, who admittedly watches the show stoned, brought up the idea that Charlotte is Penny and Desmond’s child from the future and her saying she could not remember her mother’s maiden name was a big ol’ clue to that regard. That’s also why she and Desmond can never meet. I’m not sure how much I buy that but then again, I was sober.

Next time on Lost: Getting everyone together for a reunion is going to be harder than Ben anticipated. But if we know anything about the little manipulative twerp, it’s that anything fucking goes.

Season Four began with the castaways and company divvied up into those who wanted to be found and those heeding Charlie Pace’s final warning: beware the rescue squad. And it ended with them similarly split by the disappearance of the island, moved by Ben in time and space to hide it from competitor Charles Widmore.

Six survivors made it home while some, including lovable rogue Sawyer, sociopath Others leader Ben and blonde doctor Juliet remained on the island. A few others, such as time-traveling physicist Daniel Faraday, are unaccounted for because they were on a boat between the helicopter and where the island once was.

In the fourth finale, it was revealed that in order to rescue those left behind, the Oceanic Six – Sayid, Hurley, Sun, Kate, Jack and Aaron – must return to the island.

It won’t be easy and other escapees like Desmond, Frank, Walt and even the dead body of John Locke are necessary to the plan’s success. This could take up most of Season Five’s plot, including answering how Locke made it off the island, why he was living under the alias “Jeremy Bentham” and what ultimately killed him.

According to co-creator and producer Damon Lindelof, the upcoming season “is about why [the people who have left the island] need to get back.” Lindelof also said there will be significantly fewer flashbacks and flash-forwards as the show has finally caught up with itself in real time.

One-time series regulars Michael, who died after the freighter he was aboard exploded, and Claire, who may or may not have shown up as a ghost, are both no-shows for this season. Her story has been put on hold until the sixth season, which makes sense considering how jam-packed Season Five looks to be. Jin, also on the freighter, is on board for the fifth season, making the outlook on his character’s future sunny.

Writers have also confirmed that nature woman Danielle Rousseau and maligned cop Ana-Lucia Cortez will be coming back from the dead for short stints.

Some intended storylines pushed back from the fourth season due to the Writer’s Strike are scheduled to be explored this season, including the reason Libby was in the mental institution, why Ms. Hawking was in a photograph with Desmond’s monk, what happened between Ben and the real survivor of the hot air balloon crash and the four-toed statue seen by Sayid, Jin and Sun.

Previews on ABC’s Web site have also shown Kate fleeing with Aaron after being ordered to submit to a maternity test she will undoubtedly fail and Ben and Jack preparing to gather the rest of the Oceanic Six to return to the island — but who actually makes the journey remains a mystery.

Season Five of Lost premieres at 9 p.m. on Jan. 21 on ABC.