Hi Neely,

Best,
Escalating

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com. And don’t forget to check out my website: neelysteinberg.com.

Takeaways:

• 15 seconds: It’s important to think about your love life and what you want, but in this situation you are overthinking things!
• 1:16: When you think too much in these situations, you come off as rehearsed and awkward.
• 1:38: You don’t want to end up in the friend zone, though, so there a few simple things to consider. Tune in to find out more!
• 1:40: How can you use touch to your advantage in this type of situation? Tune in.
• 2:20: An easy NLP technique that builds rapport. Find out what it is!
• 3:04: Work on eliminating the belief that you’re just a friend zone kind of guy. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you end the belief.
• 3:35: How to observe a woman’s body language and know how to proceed to build sexual energy.
• 4:05: Don’t second guess yourself.
• 4:18: Practice, practice, practice!

This week’s videos are based on a comment we received in last week’s MP4 Love #14.

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com. And don’t forget to check out my website: neelysteinberg.com.

Tune in to the male perspective below – this week featuring J.T. Tran, Master Pick-up Artist at ABCs of Attraction. But first:

Takeaways

1:15: Learn about techniques from J.T. Tran and other dating coaches/PUAs and practice as much as you can – it’s a form of exposure therapy.

2:35: Tune in here for new ways of thinking about yourself and self-confidence.

2:40: Confidence is a belief you have about yourself – tune in for more on this.

3:10: When events happen, we form meanings about them and ourselves, and from these meanings we create beliefs about ourselves, which become self-fulfilling prophecies. Tune in for more on this and my example.

3:59: A possible truth isn’t necessarily THE truth.

4:11: Events don’t have meanings other than the ones YOU attach to them.

Hi Neely,

Short guy, Boston

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com. And don’t forget to check out my website: neelysteinberg.com.

Now tune in to the male perspective – this week featuring James Michael Sama; www.limitlesslifestyle.com.

Hi Neely,

Dating older woman, Boston

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com. And don’t forget to check out my website: neelysteinberg.com.

Takeaways

• 30 seconds: Congrats on falling in love! It’s the best feeling in the world, but I understand why you’re conflicted.
• 48 seconds: Tip #1 – Tune in to hear what I have to say about choices and responsibility in this kind of a situation.
• 1:15: Tip #2 – Tune in to hear what I have to say about having a conversation with her about why you’re conflicted.
• 1:40: Tip #3 – My advice on how to look at your feelings and how to go from there.
• 2:25: Tip #4 – What you may (or may not) be feeling 6 months down the road and how that may change your perspective.
• 2:50: Tip #5 – Tune in to hear what I have to say about making compromises in relationships and how to decide if this is the road you want to or don’t want to take.

Hi Neely,

I’m a 30-year-old guy living in Boston who is sick of the women in this city. They are cliquey and cold. I moved here from the South a couple years ago for a job, and have found dating women here really difficult. Do you have any suggestions?

Frustrated, Boston

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com. And don’t forget to check out my website: neelysteinberg.com.

TAKEAWAYS:

• 40 seconds: Boston women may or may not be what you say, but the bottom line is you’re here. So you have to make the best of it!
• 58 seconds: Put your dating dilemma in perspective. Tune in to see how Boston ranks in the singles department against other cities and just how many eligible women there are for you. You will be surprised.
• 1:51: What does the Met Life Stadium (where the NY Giants and the NY Jets play) have to do with women in Boston? Tune in to see what I have to say?
• 3:04: There is one woman in that stadium (all it takes is one!) for you. So get out there and find her.

Dear Neely,

Sincerely,
Lover Boy, Boston, MA

Takeaway points:

• 40 seconds: The amount of time you’ve been with someone is a factor, but try thinking less about WHEN you should say I love you and more about WHY you want to say it and you will have your answer.
• 54 seconds: There are 3 times when you shouldn’t say I love you. Tune in to hear what I have to say.
• 2:07: When you can feel really good about saying I love you.
• 2:47: A lot of times women are advised to let the man say I love you first. I explain why.
• 3:25: It should be less about gender and more about your motive for saying it.
• 3:45: The worst that can happen is that the other person doesn’t say it back but if you were saying it for the right reasons, at least you stayed true to the honest feelings you had. See this Seinfeld clip for George’s dilemma:

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com.

Q: I’m a 26-year-old nice guy who really wants a girlfriend. Trouble is I feel as though women today don’t want nice guys. I see some of my guy friends treat women like crap and the women keep coming back to them. Unbelievable. Do I have to become a jerk to meet someone? Seems rather depressing.

Sincerely,
Nice guy reconsidering, Boston

Takeaway points:

• 34 seconds – Stay true to who you are! You don’t want someone falling for someone you’re not.
• 44 seconds – Definition of nice. Someone who is kind and thoughtful, not a pushover.
• 57 seconds – Most women don’t respect a man who they can take advantage of
• 1:10 – SECRET most guys don’t know about nice guys: Tune in to find out what it is.
• 2:22 – Nice guys can find a balance. You can still be nice, but take charge a little bit when out there dating, so the woman isn’t always calling the shots.
• 2:40 – Observe other men who strike that balance between being nice and remaining desirable to women. Those are the men you want to emulate.

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com.

What is it about sweat that turns us on? (Media credit/Yay Micro)

I’ve long been fascinated by the subject of pheromones, specifically in the context of sexual attraction. For those of you not familiar with the term: A pheromone, according to Wikipedia, is “a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species.” Much has been written about the role pheromones play in mating and attraction, including the infamous sweaty T-shirt study. In layman’s terms, though: Ever notice how you’re either attracted to or repulsed by a romantic interest’s natural scent? Well, there’s more to that than you may think.

I was excited to contact Eric Holzle for this article about his groundbreaking company Scientific Match (tagline: “The Science of Love”), which I discovered a few months ago but was founded in 2007. Holzle predicted his company would revolutionize the dating services industry by matching people based on non-matching DNA samples taken from their cheeks. He claimed that well-matched couples would enjoy each others’ natural scents, have more fun in bed, and bear healthier children than those who are genetically similar. Maybe so, but the company’s mating strategy never seemed to gain mainstream traction, its premise titillating but perhaps too far-fetched and impersonal for the romantically inclined (not to mention the service was probably pricey). I agree about the unromantic idea of it all – who wants to be matched with cells from a cheek swab? – but still remain fascinated by the role pheromones play in helping us, consciously and unconsciously, to select a suitable genetic match and curious about other, less clinical ways to harness the power of pheromones. (As an aside: If you really want your mind blown, consider the research that has found the birth control pill may be responsible for reversing a women’s natural sense of smell: That is, women on the Pill like more the smells (i.e. pheromones) that remind them of home and kin and thus are attracted to men with whom they’re genetically incompatible.)

Sadly, though, as I began to write this piece, I discovered Holzle had recently passed away. Shortly after my discovery, serendipitously perhaps, along came a representative from Love Scent who wrote to me via Twitter about the company. Here’s the even funnier part: More than two years ago, I had written about Love Scent on my old blog, in an entry entitled “The Nose Knows.” Essentially, the company’s concept is to sell sex pheromones in a bottle to help men and women attract that special someone. I don’t understand the science of it all but human pheromones can, apparently, be recreated in a laboratory. Love Scent then bottles those synthetically-created pheromones and sells them to the masses at various prices, depending on which product is desired.

There are several other companies that sell pheromones for the purpose of attracting mates, but Love Scent seems to be leading the pack. I don’t doubt their authenticity, so I asked them to send me some samples. A couple weeks later, I received several products, including The Edge towelettes (for women and men), Perception, Scent of Eros Unscented (unisex), Scent of Eros (for her), Chikara, Alter Ego (for him), and The Edge (for him). As the instructional sheet explained, their products range from pheromone colognes and scented concentrates to additive formulas and essential oils. They also sell unrated pheromone colognes – pheromone-containing colognes on which they have no clear data. Their “Fab Four” kit is only for seasoned “phero-gurus” – in other words, “if you have to ask, it’s not for you.”

It would have been nice to experiment with the samples during my single days (the product seems to be best suited for singles, anyway), but I figured I could wear one of them around my boyfriend to see if it was particularly … ahem, arousing. According to the Psychology Today article linked above, “since it’s known that women can detect genetic compatibility by smell – it’s not that men can’t but that so far no one knows – the onus is on females to sniff out a suitable squire,” but because Love Scent markets their products to both men and women, I enlisted the help of one my boyfriend’s male friends who was coming to town with his girlfriend. We asked Joe to smear on some of The Edge (for him) without his gal’s knowledge before going out to the bars.

After he applied the moist towelette, my apartment, quite frankly, smelled like a gigolo, or at least how I imagine a gigolo would smell. Unfortunately, Joe never had a chance to read the instructions: “Watch out for over-application,” which is especially true for The Edge because it is highly concentrated. Don’t get me wrong: It smelled good, but it was so overpowering that it practically consumed the place. Eventually, Joe confessed to his girlfriend, but I’m not sure it would have made any difference if she hadn’t known. I also used one of the samples – Scent of Eros – dabbing it on my various pulse points as instructed. Love Scent says that women have reported additional success when applying to ankles and thighs, but I stuck to wrists and behind the ears. It smelled lovely, like any number of musky perfumes I might buy at a department store, but again there’s no way to know if our significant others were friskier than usual because of the pheromones. Plus, both Joe and I are in fairly new relationships in which we can’t keep our hands off our significant others, anyway. I didn’t expect my boyfriend to attack me like a ravenous lion looking for prey, but I did wonder if I’d be able to detect more subtle behavior changes that would indicate the product was working its magic. I can’t say that I witnessed anything different in him.

Perhaps these products would be good for people in, say, stale relationships, so as to rev up a decaying sex life; in a fairly new relationship if you’re sex life has already decayed, well, then you may have more problems than a topical product (that Richard Gere in American Gigolo might wear) could ever solve. Although, a testimonial from “Julia” on Love Scent’s site makes it seem that their products have the power to unite couples in trouble: “My boyfriend had decided that he wanted to break up. We agreed to go to lunch on his birthday. I wore some of your magic oil and he went crazy…..We are back together. I also put some on a handkerchief and then under the seat of his car…..He keeps commenting on how his car smells like me.” I’m not sure how much stock to put on testimonials but Love Scent’s site does have a ton of them.

It should also be mentioned that Love Scent pheromones may be worth a try if only for the placebo effect. It’s long been documented that the placebo effect has enormous impact on people’s ability to heal. The Wall Street Journal recently wrote a piece about this effect entitled Why Placebos Work Wonders. If someone applies one of Love Scent’s products with the idea in mind that they have a secret, extra edge, they may exude more confidence because they believe themselves to now be more attractive to potential mates. Dating and attraction is often about confidence – it’s all in the head (no, not that head), as they say. So any suggestions or ideas that can inspire confidence when it comes to your dating life is a usually a good bet, unless of course, the idea is to wear a hat like this.

Another thought I had about using these kinds of pheromones is that once you run out of the product your natural scent will be exposed, and whomever you’ve managed to woo with your pre-made pheromonal concoction will now quite possibly be repulsed by you and have no idea why. Don’t worry, though, Love Scent accepts orders in bulk.

Susan Baxter, 32, founded Hire a Boston Wingwoman in 2010.

Susan Baxter, 32, has the solution for single Boston guys looking for love: Wingwomen. Sure, you’ve got your Bud Light-guzzling, cleavage-ogling, popped collar-wearing wingman already, but isn’t the same old “you distract the less attractive friend while I talk to the hot one” routine getting a little stale? Baxter’s wingwomen get straight to the point with confidence, class, and a well-worth-it fee: the girl you’re going after.

For clients of Baxter’s company, Hire a Boston Wingwoman, it works like this: You and a wingwoman go to a bar or a lounge, or wherever you want to go to meet chicks. You scan the room, zoom in on your potential love interest, and your wingwoman goes in for the kill. It might begin with a compliment (“I love those shoes!”) or a question (“What’s your favorite drink here?”). Then, she might say something like, “This is my friend Joe; we’re looking for a bar to go after this. Do you know of anywhere good?”

“She kind of hangs around in the background once the introduction is made,” says Baxter. “If it doesn’t work out, then the client tries another woman. And if it doesn’t seem like the woman is interested, the wingwoman can pretend to be the client’s girlfriend.”

Wingwomen are better sidekicks than wingmen, Baxter says, because “Women tend to have their guards up when they go out; maybe it’s a girl’s night and they are just out for some cocktails with their friends and aren’t looking to talk to guys. Women feel less intruded upon if a woman comes up to them. They have their guards up when a man goes up and says, ‘Hey, I’m Joe, how are you ladies this evening?’ It’s old, and it’s lame, and she’s like, ‘Oh, here we go again.’”

Even better, adds Baxter, “It’s a boost of confidence to walk in to a place with a beautiful woman by your side. Girls like competition, so if they see you with an attractive woman, they’ll think you’ve got something to offer.”

So what makes a successful wingwoman? Generally, says Baxter, they are outgoing, and unafraid to approach and strike up conversation with that intimidating, hot girl you’ve got your eye on.

“You’ve gotta play the part,” she says. “You can’t go to that trendy, upscale bar if you look like you just got out of a Red Sox game; it’s gotta be realistic. But each wingwoman has a different personality. Some are bubbly and are good for clubs, and some are more intelligent and would be good for a social networking-type party. They’re attractive, outgoing, social, and willing to go up to a woman and say, ‘Hey, where’d you get your hair done? I’m looking for a new salon in the area.’”

Baxter, who has a master’s degree in applied sociology from the University of Massachusetts, started her business in September of 2010 with the knowledge that “a lot of people are shy and are intimidated to go up to people at a bar,” she says. “People tend to just stand there at the end of the bar and wait to be approached.” Plus, she was already being a wingwoman for her guy (and girl) friends, so why not make it a business?

“My ‘aha’ moment was when I was watching an episode of the ‘Tyra Banks Show,’ and a woman was on there who was a wingwoman for her friends,” says Baxter. “And I was like, ‘Wait, that’s what I do!’ The idea had spread to New York City and to Las Vegas, and I thought, why not Boston?”

Now, Hire a Boston Wingwoman employs nearly 40 wingwomen (and counting–she’s hiring!) in their 20s, 30s and 40s. The business works with about 10 clients a weekend, with many repeat clients. Fall is the busiest time of year for the company, which Baxter attributes to several factors: “In the fall, people are coming back from their vacation or their summer fling, and are looking for something more serious. The holidays are coming and they don’t want to be alone; it’s time to settle down. Plus, fall weather is cozy.”

Hiring a wingwoman costs $65 an hour, with a two hour minimum, and is $30 for every half-hour thereafter. Several testimonials on the company’s website attest that it’s worth the price: “My wingwoman focused on making connections and harnessing intuition,” says client Scott Alden. ”The method was to hang out with her, be myself and seize the moment when it was right. Women who saw that I was with her felt more comfortable around me, and I didn’t have to work as hard. I felt comfortable, too.” Michael, a client from Cambridge, writes, “I felt really comfortable after meeting the wingwoman, who introduced me to a couple of very attractive ladies.  I have already re-hired her because she was great company and made me very confident.”

There’s no guarantee that a wingwoman will help you find your future wife, of course, but who can argue with at least giving it a try? Besides, you get to be seen with a hot, confident woman by your side instead of your cologne-drenched, awkward-pick-up-line-using best friend.

Hi Neely,

Thanks for your advice!
Confused, Philadelphia, PA

Takeaway points

• 1:20 – Listen to what a man is saying. Is he telling you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but you’re choosing not hear him? You won’t change his mind no matter what you do.
• 3:17 – A man may like you and like spending time with you but not want to be in a relationship with you. If he doesn’t give you what you want and need, walk away, because you DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
• 3:48 – Don’t be afraid of being lonely. It’s okay to feel lonely.
• 4:20 – Men are in go-mode when they want to be in a relationship. They don’t give a woman scraps. They only give scraps to a woman who will let them get away with that.
• 4:45 – You can’t control how another person is going to feel.
• 5:56 – Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be together.
• 6:10 – The sooner you stop pouring energy into someone who isn’t meeting your needs, the sooner you can devote your energy to finding someone great and who wants to be with you.
• 6:54 – When you have a real physical and emotional involvement with someone, it can be difficult to give other people a chance.

Submit your dating/relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com

As I see it, there are three types of Bachelor/Bachelorette fans: The die-hards who believe that everything they see on the show must be real; the middle-of-the-roaders who want to believe that fairytales really do exist but deep down are suspicious; and the cynics who know going into each season that it’s all a load of crap but like watching beautiful people get drunk and hook up.

Steve Carbone, better known as Reality Steve, definitely falls into the latter category. More than just an avid viewer, though, he’s made a living out of writing sarcastic, snarky episode recaps, exposing the franchise’s inauthenticity, and spoiling each season (warning: in his latest post, he names the final lady of the upcoming season).

Carbone has covered every single Bachelorette season and all the Bachelor seasons except for the first two, Alex and Aaron. At first, he wrote only recaps, but he began spoiling during Jason’s season — he was the first to report the Molly/Melissa fiasco. He didn’t have any spoilers for the next season (Jillian), but he’s spoiled every season since.

How does he get the goods? His lips, of course, are sealed, but we do know that he’s being fed the information as filming takes place from sources on the inside other than the contestants, who are forced to sign confidentiality agreements. Just recently, per his website, the production and distribution companies behind the Bachelor have filed a lawsuit against Carbone “making some false allegations about claimed damage to the show.”

Lawsuits aside, Carbone has become enormously popular with the series’ fans. He has more than 33,000 followers on Twitter, almost 17,000 fans on facebook, and 750,000 unique visitors a month to his website. In recent months, he’s been able to quit his day job and hire additional writers, his sole income now coming from the site, on which he and his writers blog recaps, news, and gossip about the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise and other reality shows (Real Housewives, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, etc.) Some say that his Bachelor/Bachelorette spoilers, in an odd twist, have helped the show’s ratings, not hurt them, leading to conspiracy theories that he’s working surreptitiously with Mike Fleiss, the show’s creator. Carbone has dispelled that theory many times.

I reached out to Carbone via email and had a bunch of questions for him regarding the show and a couple other topics. I’ve been following him for a while now, often times taking my lunch break to check in and read the latest scoop. I’ll admit I was a bit nervous when I emailed him – he’s known for skewering his readers in his weekly mailbag feature, in which he pokes fun at fans for sending him dumb questions. But he was gracious and quick to respond, even if he’s heard these questions countless times before.

For the last few seasons, I’ve read the spoilers before tuning in to the show. It’s been fun watching the gals and guys do their best to woo the Bachelor/Bachelorette while knowing their fate, but I think this time around I’m going to withstand the urge to know beforehand. Crap: I just went to Carbone’s Twitter page to hyperlink it above and the first thing I saw was the name of the person with whom Ben ends up. You’ve been warned.

NEELY: For those who’ve never read your column and don’t understand the reality of reality TV, can you tell us how manipulated the show really is?

STEVE CARBONE: However manipulated and contrived you think it is – it’s actually much worse. From telling contestants what to say and what to talk about, to cutting people off the show who won’t go along with the storyline they have for them, to forcing people to stay on the show who don’t want to be there, it goes beyond anyone’s imagination of what these producers will do to get the storyline they want.

NEELY: It may be obvious to most rational human beings, but between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, why do you think the couple success rate is so low?

SC: I think it just has to do with the fact that when you’re taping the show for the 6-8 weeks, you are in a bubble. You can’t talk to any family or friends, you have no TV, no internet access, no phone, etc. Your sole focus 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, is that one person. So naturally, you fall for them a lot quicker than you would in the real world where you could go on a date with someone one night, then be out with someone else the next night. Once the final couple is back in the real world off the show, they pretty much realize they barely know that person at all, the dates aren’t extravagant anymore, and their “popularity” is infinitely increased, meaning they know even if it doesn’t work out with the person in the end, they’ll be plenty of other opportunities for them.

NEELY: Were there any couples over the years who you thought might actually make it but didn’t?

SC: I really haven’t cared enough to put any thought into who might make it and who wouldn’t. Once the season is over, to me and for my site, they pretty much become yesterday’s news and it’s on to the new season. For the “Bachelor” franchise, considering they are 0-for-15 (Jason never married the girl he chose in the end), I don’t ever expect that to change. The male lead on this show goes into this show knowing how popular he will become with women everywhere, regardless of who he picks, and he knows that. I think that’s why it’s never worked out. He’s out chasing more women once the break up eventually happens. I think women in the “Bachelorette” lead tend to take the process more seriously, which is why we’ve seen some “successes” (even though their hasn’t been a wedding yet), with Ali and Ashley. Those couples seem to stay together a tad longer, even if they don’t end up getting married. Meredith and Ian were together two years, Ali and Roberto have been going for over a year now, etc. Neely’s Note: Ali and Roberto are dunzo, as of a few weeks ago.

NEELY: Team Jake or Vienna?

SC: I really don’t like declaring which team I’m on, but I’ve definitely been outspoken against Jake for years now on how phony I think he is. And his constant appearances on reality TV only back what I’ve been saying since Day 1 about him.

NEELY: Do you believe at this point that most of the contestants go on just to get famous, etc., or do you really believe they are looking for love?

SC: ALL the contestants go on with ulterior motives. Whether it to be the next Melissa Rycroft from this franchise, promote their business, hoping to land a modeling job, appear in magazines, become more popular back home, etc. They all do it for exposure. And if they happen to fall in love, then that’s just a bonus. The show has become the #1 tabloid reality TV show by far, and all the contestants know that going in. They want to become part of this dysfunctional “family”, because they know that even if they don’t end up being the final one, they know that they can start getting with past contestants. The “family tree” of who’s hooked up with who in the “Bachelor/ette” franchise is beyond anyone’s comprehension.

NEELY: Over the years of reading and commenting about love/dating, etc., what’s your biggest advice to daters out there on finding love?

SC: Ha ha…well, being 36 and single myself, I’m probably the last guy people want dating advice from. I guess the best piece of advice I could give is don’t settle. Don’t be with someone just because you HAVE to have a significant other. You’ll never end up happy that way.

NEELY: Your favorite Bachelor of all time? Your favorite male contestant on The Bachelorette of all time?

SC: Since I don’t really know any of them personally, the most entertaining and realistic season to watch was Brad’s first season and Charlie O’Connell’s. Brad’s had the most realistic ending, and Charlie’s was completely different than any of the other 14 seasons in that they shot it in his hometown and never did any crazy, over-the-top dates.

Favorite male contestant? I can’t pick just one. I might get a phone call or two asking why I chose them over another.

NEELY: Your favorite Bachelorette of all time? Your favorite female contestant on The Bachelor of all time?

SC: I guess I liked Ali’s season the best because it was really the first time where they started traveling early on in the season.

Once again, impossible to answer. Might upset somebody.

NEELY: Thoughts on the current Bachelor – Ben Flajnik?

SC: I love how ABC is promoting him as this renaissance guy with all these different interests, when in reality, he’s no different than the rest of us. I mean, they already had his YouTube video removed after I posted it on my site called “Cream Dream” where he and a buddy made a video about, well, masturbating and wet dreams. Not to mention, once the guy was done filming Ashley’s season, he started “seeing” a former contestant from Brad’s season, plus, had a nice little fling with Jennifer Love Hewitt. So to pretend he’s this All American, genuine guy who co-owns a winery and is just looking for a wife, couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s just a guy’s guy who wants to play the field and loves what the attention the “Bachelor” will bring him and his winery. Nothing more, nothing less. Lets not make him something he isn’t.

NEELY: What are three things every woman should know about men?

SC:

1. We are the simplest creatures on the planet. We are not as hard to figure out as some might think.

2. We like food.

3. We like sex.

NEELY: What are three things you want to know about women?

SC:

1. What could you possibly be doing in the bathroom for an hour and half when you’re getting ready?

2. Why you constantly say “nothing,” when we ask if something is wrong, when clearly something is wrong, then get mad when we are unable to read your mind and figure out what it is on our own.

3. Why they love being with guys who treat them like shit.

NEELY: Are you still single and looking for love?

SC: Yes, I’m single. I’m looking, but, I’m not trying very hard. If it happens, it happens. I’ve never been one to force it. My best relationships have come when I was least expecting it.

The promotional ads for ABC’s new season of The Bachelor, featuring floppy-haired Ben Flajnik, have been in heavy rotation recently. The show premieres on January, 2.

Hi Neely,

Thanks for your advice!
Tired of Text Messaging, Boston, MA

Send your dating/relationship questions to: neely@blastmagazine.com.

By Elizabeth Race-Moore at Emmanuel College

For many young people the idea of marriage may seem outdated and old fashioned. Perhaps it’s the “till’ death do us part” line that sends 20-something’s running. But lawmakers are now looking to make the enslavement of marriage a little less scary, and a little easier to get out of.

The idea is to create a contract between married couples that would require a marriage renewal after 10 years of marriage. After that time, couples would either agree to extend their marriage or have it dissolved. Couples wishing to get married already have to fill out their marriage license; this contract would be very similar.

The contract would also specify how to split up property, pay alimony and determine custody of children in the case that the marriage was not extended.

Photo Credit: almightydad.com

Boston’s unhitched women are warming to the idea.

“The downside of this law is that it might encourage people to jump into marriages too soon,” said Nicole Oliveira, Emmanuel College Junior.

“But at the going rate of divorce, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea.”

Political party members are not looking to speed up divorce but to give a solid chance to the marriage. On the other hand, this can help to avoid the long and complicated process that comes with a divorce.

For the younger generations starting to think about marriage, this mandatory “expiration date” could dramatically cut the rate of commitment phobia.

“I know all too many guys who will say ‘I’m never getting married’ or ‘Who wants to be with one person for the rest of your life,’” said Boston College Junior, Hannah Kavanaugh.

Maybe if more people felt they weren’t being sentenced to life at the altar, it might open their eyes to the idea of marriage. “The first ten years is like a test run, see where it goes from there.”

I’ve dedicated a good portion of my life to writing, thinking, and speaking about dating, sex, love, and relationships.

I’ve written countless articles and hosted two radio shows and an internet TV show about these important subjects. At 34, I’ve had a ton of experiences out there in the dating and relationship world, and I want to share what I’ve learned with you by answering your questions. I am here to help you in your quest to find a healthy, happy dating life and/or relationship. I promise to always be honest and to try my darnedest to practice in my own life what I preach to you.

So send me your dating, sex, love, and relationship questions to neely@blastmagazine.com, and I’ll reply to you when my video answer has been posted on Blast.

Your real name will not be used. Please keep your questions under 500 words.

Siggy Flicker (Media cedit/VH1)

Move over Patti Stanger: There’s a new matchmaker on the scene. No, this isn’t some feeble attempt to pay homage to the greatest maker of matches of all time: the inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly, may he rest in peace. (Dear God that man was a genius.) I’m referring, of course, to Siggy Flicker, VH1’s newest star of Why Am I Still Single?!, airing on Sundays at 9 p.m. Flicker, who the Village Voice referred to as “a hyper mix of Teri Hatcher and Sandra Bullock,” has spent years — 20, to be exact – creating a successful matchmaking business, recently gaining the attention of VH1 executives perhaps inclined to knock Stanger off her throne. With help from her team of “recruiters” (Victor, Chynna and Hayley) and stylists (the Moxie Twins, Jenn and Jamie Dunn), Flicker’s goal on the show is to help men and women find real love by helping them discover what they’re doing wrong so they can break the habits and behaviors that are keeping them single.

Flicker’s an interesting character, the type of woman you’d want as a best friend but who also might be slightly overwhelming at times. A fellow member of the tribe, she talks a mile a minute, hints of her Jersey accent peeking through occasionally, with a passion that’s clearly a prerequisite for those working in the matchmaking industry. Flicker and I caught up on the phone recently to discuss the show, her background, and the answer to that million dollar question: Why are you still single?

Like her passion for life and love, Flicker’s personal back story lends itself well to the business: After her first marriage with the supposed “perfect man” ended due to lack of chemistry, Flicker, two children to her credit, grabbed her proverbial bootstraps and put herself back into the challenging world of dating, determined to find a man with whom she had a real connection. Find that man she did: He’s a “bald, used car salesman,” Flicker says proudly and matter-of-factly. Together for six years and tying the knot next spring, Flicker feels fortunate that she abandoned the checklist because it led her to Michael ultimately. “For years, finding a mate was about making everyone else happy, dating the lawyer, the doctor, etc., but you can’t guarantee chemistry. I met Michael and fell madly in love.”

Flicker can thus relate to people’s dating struggles and that’s what makes her so appealing, both in her business as a matchmaker and a character on reality TV. “I know what it’s like to be out there starting over, but I also practiced what I currently preach,” says Flicker. She adds: “I could have stayed with my ex-husband, but I changed my attitude and got out with class and dignity and went searching for true chemistry.”

Attitude, contends Flicker, is what it’s all about. And finally, we get to the crux of the matter: The main reason people who don’t want to be single are still single is their attitudes. “Singles need to change their attitudes in life, they need to not have unrealistic expectations about people, and they can’t look at dating as a chore or burden,” opines Flicker. “This is not Iraq, for God’s sake, you aren’t losing your legs!”

Flicker also has some strong opinions about her more famous matchmaking counterpart Patti Stanger. “This is not Millionaire Matchmaker,” she says. “My show is not about money. I observe clients on dates to uncover their faulty patterns and help them understand what they are doing, and help them to find true chemistry.”

Flicker also practices in her business what she preaches to her clients: Finding the right fit. That’s why she turned down a slew of reality TV show offers before her current show on VH1, because they weren’t the right fit. “VH1 got it right,” says Flicker, maintaining for the umpteenth time that “it’s all about the chemistry.”

Flicker makes some great points, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t chime in on the discussion; after all, I’m one of the dating and relationship columnists for this magazine. I, Neely Steinberg, can offer you a simple explanation as to why you are still single … in eight parts (which reminds me of a great scene from Back to School, starring Rodney Dangerfield):

1. You really do want to be single. Case closed.
2. Because your actions don’t match your words. Refer to the ‘Know Thyself’ bullet point in my piece on the Kim Kardashian divorce for further explanation. Essentially, though, you are saying you don’t want to be single, but your actions in your love life prove otherwise (i.e. only dating unavailable men, etc.).
3. You really do want to be in a relationship, but:
1. Your standards are too high or low.
2. Your expectations are too high or low.
3. You are pursuing people with qualities that you want, without considering the qualities that you may actually need. In other words, you have this idea of what your perfect mate looks like; in reality, though, this type of person would be completely incompatible with you. For example, a Type A woman wanting to be with a Type A man. She may think she wants to be with someone powerful and in control, but she’d probably be better off with a man who displays more Beta qualities.
4. You haven’t taken an honest self-evaluation, physically speaking. I have said before (in this piece) that while you absolutely need to be physically attracted to your mate, relationships should never be based primarily on looks. But, if you’re a 5, the chances that you’re going to land a 10 are less than if you pursued, say, a 7. Moreover, studies have shown that men and women typically end up with someone of a similar degree of attractiveness. Just look at couples around you to prove this theory. Note: the two exceptions to this are if you’re a rich and/or famous male, or you are a Game aficionado, like Neil Strauss.
5. You don’t love yourself enough or you love yourself too much. If you have no respect or love for yourself, how can you expect another human being to love you? If you have an overly inflated ego, it’s likely you’re always after the next best thing. Note: IT DOESN’T EXIST.
6. You are stuck in your ways and unwilling to compromise. A study from 2009 found that the optimal time for marriage is between 24 and 26 – a marital sweet spot, if you will. I actually disagree: Statistically speaking, the divorce rate goes down for those marrying after 30. But the study does make a salient point: The older we get, the more stuck in our ways we become, the less willing we are to compromise. Which is why the study says that 24-26 is ideal: It’s the time in your life when you are not too fixed in your habits and behaviors (and maybe not yet jaded by life) but also mature enough to handle commitment and all that comes along with marriage. Something to consider.
7. You’re lazy. Love isn’t going to magically fall into your lap; you’re not going to be rescued by Prince Charming. I understand the wisdom behind the axiom that if you don’t go looking for love it will find you, but to an extent I disagree. You have to be active in your pursuit of love. Not desperate but active. For instance, you may be averse to online dating, but why not give it a shot? What do you have to lose? My mother always said: “Neel, you’re not going to meet anyone lying on your couch.” She was right. Sometimes you have to push yourself a little bit, even when you’re disheartened about the dating process.
8. You don’t make enough time for your love life. I get it: We’re all busy nowadays with work, hobbies, friends, etc. But if you really do want a relationship, you have to make time for dating.

I could go on, but eight is enough. I am interested to hear your thoughts in the comments section below. Why are you still single? Why do you think others (your friends, family members, etc.) are still single? I look forward to hearing from you!

Kim and Kris on October 22 in Las Vegas (WireImage).

It was the shock heard ’round the world: Kim Kardashian files for divorce. Boom! Immediately after the news hit, the internet was aflutter with talk about what went wrong and the lessons we mere mortals could take away from their connubial downfall. I’m going to hop on that bandwagon and offer my perspective.

1. Don’t always believe what you see and therefore don’t envy what you see

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple” – Oscar Wilde

Hollywood is full of deception. One such falsehood it perpetuates is the perfect, fairytale relationships of its celebrity inhabitants, the endless coverage of which is at once addictive and nauseating: Hollywood lovers on perfect dates, wearing perfect clothes, on perfect vacations, looking perfectly. They gush about each other in magazine interviews and mug happily for the paparazzi. What glamorous lives, what gorgeous couples – they must all be so perfectly happy! It isn’t long, though, before we’re shaken from our delusional daydreams by the words “irreconcilable differences.”

Hollywood’s not the only architect of artifice. The advent of social media gives us all the ability to create these illusions, in just a few clicks of a mouse no less. Facebook is one of the worst offenders, a veritable avatar for perfect lives and perfect weddings and perfect homes and perfect children who never cry and always look like little darlings. (I liken these saccharine displays of social chest-puffing to the Class Notes section of my alma mater’s alumni magazine, in which my classmates – who are either on the brink of curing cancer or on the path to becoming the next Supreme Court Justice or are popping out kids with wild abandon – have an uncanny ability to make me feel completely inadequate.)

And so it’s not just celebrity couples who we come to falsely envy for their supposed perfect, picturesque relationships. We do this with everyday couples all around us. We build them into things they’re not, and wonder if our own relationships measure up. The truth, though, is that we should never believe what we see – we’re not privy to what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s relationships. We don’t know if a couple has constructed a facade of sparkles and rainbows in order to hide the fact that they may in fact be struggling. I learned that valuable lesson a few years ago when, out at a bar, I saw a man I knew all over some woman, who just so happened wasn’t his wife. But what about the ad nauseum pronouncements of their perfect love; what about that fabulous vacation they just took, in which they looked so mind-numbingly happy? I had been so envious of what I thought they had when in reality it was an illusion.

It’s easy to be envious of others, to covet what they have – or what we think they may have. Quite often, though, those seemingly perfect couples have issues. Case in point: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, or the couple on Facebook you’ve been admiring. Making comparisons to other couples is pointless and unproductive. And doing so doesn’t get us anywhere closer to being happy within our own relationships.

Focus on and treasure what you have with your partner; celebrate what’s great about your relationship.

2. Fools Rush In

“Marry in haste; repent at leisure.” – William Congreve

I know what you’re going to say: You heard a story about your friend’s brother’s painter’s lawyer’s doctor’s proctologist’s veterinarian, who married her husband six months after meeting him. But here’s the deal: That’s not going to happen to you. OK, maybe it will. But the odds are against it and there are plenty of reasons, anyway, as to why you should wait. I have no doubt Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian fell in love (and major lust!) with each other, but there was hardly any way for the two of them to know, after six months of dating, especially given their lifestyles, if it was the type of love that could last for the long haul. They barely knew each other. They had no history together to be able to say: “We know we can get through something difficult as a couple because we already went through x, y, and z together.” While I’d like to think just being in love can get you through the worst of times, realistically speaking, I think you need to experience a few downs with someone to know if that love has long-term potential.

Just recently, Kim Kardashian released a statement regarding the demise of her relationship: “I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have.” This appears to be a classic example of someone wanting something so desperately that they’re not even sure what they’re signing up for. They have the end goal in sight but aren’t thinking rationally about the present moment. Had she put the reins on the relationship a bit and experienced a longer courtship, perhaps she would have realized (before spending the GDP of a small, third world nation on her wedding) that Kris Humphries wasn’t the right person for her. Hindsight is always 20/20.

3. Beauty doesn’t bring relationship happiness

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” – Hedy Lamarr

Kim Kardashian may be one of the most preternaturally beautiful creatures in existence (that hair, those eyes, those cheekbones!), and Kris Humphries may be an Adonis in his own right, but as the erudite Yoda would say: “A happy relationship that does not make.” It can be hard not to be just a tad bit envious of someone so stunning; when you realize, though, how little beauty means in terms of personal contentment envy becomes a much easier pill to swallow.

The most beautiful people might even have it the toughest: Do their mates truly love them for who they are at their very core, or do they just want them for that shiny, delicious-looking exterior? I remember Kim Kardashian saying something early on in her infatuation with Kris Humphries, before even meeting him, about wanting to have his babies on account of his good looks. While that kind of a comment makes for a good tweet, it smacks of superficiality. Sure, it’s important to be attracted to your mate, but it’s equally as important to be reminded that a relationship based primarily on a person’s hotness quotient is a precarious tightrope to walk.

4. Money doesn’t buy relationship happiness

“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx

It’s also hard not to be envious of Kim Kardashian’s lifestyle, until we realize that it’s actually quite easy. With millions of dollars coming in and the glitz and glamor of a relationship between an NBA star and a not-sure-why-exactly-you’re-famous star, we were fooled (once again) into believing the fairytale. Then, divorce ensues, the veil of perfection is lifted, and we are reminded (once again) of the false promises of money. Sure, it may make life easier in certain ways, if we have a lot of it, but it can never fill emotional voids. Take the majority of Bravo’s Housewives: Despite gobs of money coming out their surgically enhanced wazoos, most of them seem pretty miserable.

5. Know thyself

“Observe all men; thy self most” – Benjamin Franklin

Let’s refer back to the aforementioned quote Kim Kardashian gave about her desire for babies and family, a sentiment I’ve heard her make countless times before. These declarations certainly make for good interview soundbites and TV footage, but unfortunately, her actions and choices in her love life don’t seem to ever match her words.

In my early to mid-twenties I was guilty of doing the same thing. I’d continually squawk about wanting to settle down and my desire for intimacy, yet the only type of men I went for either lived far away or were commitmentphobes. I’d complain and cry and stomp my feet, always blaming everyone else for my relationship woes, everyone but myself – it was easier to pass the buck than look inward at my own issues. In retrospect, I don’t think I was at all ready for real intimacy during this period of my life. There’s a great book I read during this tumultuous time, titled “He’s Scared; She’s Scared” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. One of the ideas they focused on was “passive avoidance,” the notion that people passively avoid commitment by pursuing unavailable mates. It was pretty incisive.

I have no idea what Kim’s issues really are; however, I do know that saying you want the trifecta – love, commitment, and family – doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for it or that it’s even deep down what you actually want or that you know how to get there. Take some time to figure yourself out; when you have a better understanding, you’ll be in a position to make better choices.

6. For the love of God, exercise some monetary discretion

“Spending 10 million dollars on your wedding is stupid.” – Neely Steinberg

Enough said.

Park Slope, Brooklyn: One of New York City’s most desirable neighborhoods and home to a whole bunch of famous people, like Steve Buscemi and that actor everyone confuses with Samuel L. Jackson. Recently, though, Park Slope hasn’t been so idyllic. A slew of gropings, rapes, and molestations have occurred since March, making the locale more infamous than anything else. The suspect has been targeting women between the ages of 20 and 35, all of whom at the time of assault were wearing short-hemmed clothing. (Police do have a “person of interest” in custody as of October 11.)

A recent Wall Street Journal article covering the attacks had me thinking about what I believe to be a tragically misguided focus. According to the Journal, police officers patrolling the area have been telling young, female residents to be mindful of what they’re wearing because the assaulter has been going after women dressed in short skirts. Granted, some of the quotes from the officer, as mentioned by “Lauren,” sound a bit obnoxious, especially if, in your head, you add a certain tone or emphasis on particular words. But there’s no way to know exactly how those warnings were delivered by the officer, unless you have access to a flux capacitor and a Delorean. I digress. The point I want to make is that instead of focusing on the assaults and keeping women safe, some members of the fairer sex have seized on the cops’ sartorial advice and deemed it inappropriate, insensitive, and sexist.

NYPD spokesman Paul Browne responded to the uproar by saying: “Officers are not telling women what not to wear — there’s a TV series that does that.” (Do I smell a career in stand-up?) He continues: “They are simply pointing out that as part of the pattern involving one or more men that the assailant(s) have targeted women wearing skirts.”

Alas, Skirtgate was born.

The incident soon became the latest cause celebre for feminist groups, inspiring protests and yet another Slut Walk, a demonstration against explaining or excusing rape by referring to any aspect of a woman’s appearance. Not too long ago I attended the Boston version of Slut Walk, organized by feminist figure Jaclyn Friedman.

While I agree that the way a woman dresses is NEVER an invitation to be raped or sexually assaulted (I’m having visuals of the horrific Jodie Foster rape scene from The Accused), I do have to wonder: What’s so wrong with suggesting that women exercise a little common sense in these scenarios? If I know that a man is assaulting women wearing short skirts in a certain area around a certain time, you can damn well be sure that I’ll take all precautions necessary. Nor would I ever tell my daughter (if I ever have one) the following: “Sure, honey, wear those hooker heels and that dress that barely covers your vagina proudly when you walk through Boston Common at 3 a.m. on a Saturday.”

The notion that humanity is perfectible — that we can reason with or socially engineer sick-minded individuals — is puerile. We do not live in an ideal world. We never will. Unfortunately, we live in a world where police won’t always be able to save everyone or catch the criminal right away. Unfortunately, we also live in a world where this happens and people like this exist. We do not live in an ideal world. So what’s wrong with merely suggesting that women take precautions?

I admire their passion and dedication, but I do think that certain feminists are so ideologically attached to their ideas that they often become blinded to reality. What if a woman came forward on the night of a Park Slope attack and said she felt she had been saved by an officer’s counsel earlier that day, in which he mentioned to be sure to cover up late at night? Of course, there’s no way to know for sure in this hypothetical if that’s the reason the attacker avoided her and went after someone else, but would the feminists turn a blind eye to this kind of testimony? I wonder.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t mention the fact that I remember many nights walking home late from the bars in outfits that, to be sure, revealed some skin. Part of me feels a bit uncomfortable, hypocritical even, espousing calls for good judgment when the mistakes of my youth burn brightly in my memory. But the truth is I was lucky. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dispensing advice based on the filtered wisdom one gains with age.

After writing this piece and tiring of my own opinions on the matter, I was curious to see what others had to say about the Park Slope contretemps, so I reached out to a few people who I knew would view the incident through different lenses. The first of which was Susan Walsh, author of the popular blog Hooking Up Smart (HUS), a strategic take on dating, sex, and relationships. Walsh was a guest on my radio show back in the day. She was recently profiled in this tremendous piece about the lives and realities of today’s single woman. HUS has a large following and is worth a weekly check-in.

Next, I contacted the aforementioned Jaclyn Friedman, Feministing.com’s Jessica Valenti, and author and speaker Amanda Marcotte, all avowed feminists and leaders of the movement. Marcotte responded; I never heard from Friedman or Valenti. Marcotte, by the way, is no stranger to controversy – this woman has balls! (In one of her entries for John Edwards’ campaign blog, of which she was blogmaster, she wrote: “Q: What if Mary had taken Plan B after the Lord filled her with his hot, white, sticky Holy Spirit? A: You’d have to justify your misogyny with another ancient mythology.” Yowsa!)

In many of Walsh’s blog entries, she goes toe-to-toe with all three ladies, so I figured their juxtaposed opinions would be interesting. Below are Walsh’s and Marcotte’s thoughts on Skirtgate and a few other topics I wanted them to answer about dating, sex, relationships, and feminism.

Their responses couldn’t be more different. Check them out below – they are worth a read. Who do you agree with?

BLAST: What was your reaction to the Park Slope incident in which cops warned women about wearing short skirts?

MARCOTTE: First, I want to draw your attention to the fact that the NYPD responded to feminist complaints.

It was unacceptable of the NYPD officers to exploit the existence of a rapist as a cover story for an obvious power trip on women. Authoritarians all over the world love how rape gives them an excuse to indulge the misogynistic desire to tell women what to wear and how to act, but the police work for us, and because of this, they should treat women with respect. We women, after all, pay their salaries with our taxes.

WALSH: I understand why the women who were stopped by the policeman were offended. He may have been insensitive in his approach. I think it’s very important to consider his intention, though. As far as I can tell he was attempting to advise women about real risks to their safety. Though the journalist suggests that the police department disapproves of all shorts, skirts and dresses, he appears to have specifically taken issue with “short shorts” and dresses that “show a lot of skin.” Is it in fact prudent for women in that neighborhood to be careful about their appearance and behavior at night? Of course!

The WSJ article describes how many women in the neighborhood are taking concrete steps to stay safe. 80 have attended self-defense workshops. Women have stopped wearing high heels because they make it difficult to run away from an assailant. Women have been observed taking taxis to travel two blocks at night. All of these strategies are sensible and effective. Do they guarantee that a woman will not be attacked? Of course not, but they lessen her risk considerably.

Does it lessen a woman’s risk to refrain from “showing a lot of skin” at night in the very neighborhood where these attacks are occurring? Probably! It sure can’t hurt! Evidence that all of the attacks have been against women in skirts just adds to the good sense of such a strategy.

What’s going on among feminists here is that the political is getting in the way of the personal. When we stifle prudent advice to women about keeping themselves safe from assault because it doesn’t fit the agenda of sex-positive feminism, we risk the health and safety of women in a very real and measurable way.

Actress Sandra Bullock and then-husband Jesse James divorced after Bullock's Best Actress win at the 2010 Academy Awards (Media Credit/Jordan Strauss, WireImage)

The 2011 Oscars are just around the corner, and the ever-buzzed about “Oscar curse,” which proposes that women who win Best Actress at the Oscars are more likely to get divorced than their nominated counterparts, was recently put to the test by a case study conducted at the University of Toronto.

Amy Lee’s article for the Huffington Post entitled “’Oscar Curse’ Study: Researcher Weighs In” gives us a behind-the-scenes glimpse into some of the study’s findings. The study boasts the intriguing conclusion that Oscar-winning women are indeed more likely to get divorced than Oscar-nominated women. In fact, women who win Best Actress have a 63 percent chance of having a shorter marriage than the non-winning nominees. What’s more, the Oscar “curse” does not apply to men who win Best Actor.

The results of the study draw a link between Oscar “cursed” women and those living in the real world. The study’s results suggest that it is not just Best Actress winners who are fated to divorce, but that marriages of successful women across the board are more likely to go stale than those of lesser achievers. What is perhaps the most fascinating aspect of this study, however, is not its statistical findings, but the very ground in which it is rooted: the so-called “social norm.”

The Huffington Post interviewed one of the University of Toronto’s researchers, Tiziana Casciaro, and asked her why she thought that a Best Actress win affected women negatively but not men who won Best Actor. Casciaro said that there are “Multiple possibilities. One has to do with the general social norm that kind of requires a man to have higher professional and economic status over the wife. So whenever that social norm is violated, both husband and wife may feel discomfort – could be either one of them.” She suggests that any imbalance of this accepted norm can cause disruption in a marriage that is grounded in these social roles. It goes without saying, however, that not every man and every woman strive to fulfill these gendered roles, and not every relationship is based on a man who brings home the bacon and a woman who “knows her place” in the home.

It seems as though we have started to look at this particular norm as something to be expected, something that we can accept as a standard baseline. With this thinking, if a man is successful in his profession, he can look forward to greater successes in many other aspects of his private life. If a woman is successful in her professional life, she, too, has a number of things to look forward to: a lot of money, loads of success…and the fear of divorce.

But this study’s conclusion also raises questions: Does the same “curse” apply to women in relationships in which they were the breadwinners from the get go? Furthermore, in what way might this “curse” apply to gay couples, both in Hollywood and in the real world? These questions cannot yet be answered, but with the Oscars around the corner, on Feb. 27, we soon may find out the answer to the following: Will the notorious “curse” strike again this year, as it has stricken Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Winslet, Hilary Swank and Sandra Bullock in the past?

Okay . . . I’m the person every woman loves to hate. I’m the Mistress.

Most women don’t want to think about me. They want men to realize their inevitable part in the scheme of things. That is, to honor their role in the relations between the sexes: after a look around among the women available, choose one, put a ring on her finger, and get on with basic plan. Don’t cheat.

As the alternative to this basic plan, or perhaps as an addendum to it, I don’t mind telling you my secrets for romance, in spite of the fact that I’ve rarely been the mistress of married men. Because I have been privy to the confidential confessions of what women have done to men – both as wives and girlfriends – to drive them either to boredom, or completely away, I will write an anatomy of the problem and the solution to a true romantic interlude.

Here is the wild ride of confidential abuse I have been privy to: “She used to pop pimples on my back when we were making love,” “If we had a party, she would show up thirty minutes late (also a time line for nights out) and I would have to entertain or wait,” “I only got a blow job three times in our marriage – and the last time was the night before I was served with our divorce papers,” or, my favorite, “Sex was so Goddamn boring – I just couldn’t crack the code . . .”

This may sound outrageously simplistic. I am just a mistress after all. The reason men love me? I will tell you. Before I go to meet any one of my lovers, I have one thought in my mind: Please let me please him.

Here is the Valentine’s Day formula — and it may not be as simple as it seems. As a mistress, I have always spent serious time thinking about my lover and all the things that really make him happy as the man I know him to be. So can you.

You know the man you’re about to have Valentine’s Day with. Forget the suggestions from magazines and popular self help manuals. Why should you take their advice? You have the inside line to what makes your lover happy. Remember the time he irritated you by being distracted by that football game while you were skimpily clad in a come-and-get-me outfit ready for romance? Guess what? Football turns him on.

Let me backtrack a moment and redefine what Valentine’s Day means to me. It is an opportunity to unselfishly give pleasure to the man in my life who makes me happy. I never think twice about whether it will be worth my while because of two things: I love to see the look on his face when I have guessed that thing he will love correctly. And, just as importantly, when he wants to pay me back, I know exactly what he can do to make me happy. I am a realist – I don’t expect a titan of industry to guess that I would love a trip to Paris. A pair of earrings is fine. I don’t expect a poet to buy me a pair of Manolo Blahniks. Poets are good for written tributes I will have in my scrap-book forever. I also don’t expect to be recompensed for the effort I put into Valentine’s Day (which they may have forgotten – or may have to postpone for a day, because they are one of a number of my men) to be repaid on the spot. I am always confident that “what goes around, comes around.”

Between the sheets, there is one rule of thumb: a man is never really happy unless he feels that when he has made love to a woman, he has made her happy. Forget this at your peril. On Valentine’s night do whatever you must to ensure that you, too, are going to enjoy the touch of the man you’ve chosen. Don’t let him get too drunk. Don’t forget to let him know that he’s better than anyone else at doing those little things he does to turn you on. Praise inspires — and men have been created to please us. Just reinforce the plan!

Ladies, what I’m saying is this: If he’s worth it, let Valentine’s Day be an opportunity to love him for who he is. Gear your conversation to the things that interest him. Give yourself over to those sexual pleasures that tantalize his taste as much as your own – after all, it’s only one night! If you love him, wouldn’t you want to spoil him once a year? Don’t worry about getting good value out of the effort you put into what you give. You’ll get it – I guarantee.

I assume I am writing to women who are selfish enough to want good value from every relationship they put their time into. I also assume that when you women go out to find men worthy of your time, you know what you want and go after it romantically with a “no holds barred” attitude

. . . and isn’t that what men love about you?

Happy Valentines Day!

Whether you’re still searching for The One or you think you’ve found him or her, it’s probably time to read “The Rules of Love” by Richard Templar. Why? Because life is not a chick flick, and relationships can be difficult! Maybe his nagging mom doesn’t think you’re “good enough,” maybe his obsession with video games makes you want to throw his Wii out the window, or maybe your stressful work life has made your sex life fizzle. No matter your romance status, Templar’s book of 100 rules of love can help you strengthen all of your relationships (yes, there is hope for you and his mom) and could even help you find The One.

A few of Templar’s rules for finding love

• Be yourself.
• Certain people are off limits (you know who they are).
• You can’t change people.
• Don’t play games.
• You can’t make someone love you.
• Don’t tar new partners with old brushes.
• Relationships aren’t about sex.
• You’ll know them when you meet them.

A few of Templar’s rules for relationships

• Every problem is a shared problem.
• Put each other first.
• Be nice.
• Your partner is more important than your kids.
• Make time for romance.
• Treat your partner better than your best friend.
• Accept the differences; embrace what you have in common.
• Once an argument is over, let it lie.

Templar is the author of the bestselling Rules series, including “The Rules of Life,” “The Rules of Work” and “The Rules of Money.” To purchase or get more information about “The Rules of Love,” go here.

Who needs a boyfriend when you're this fabulous? (Media Credit/Nicole Chan)

Stores have been jamming Valentine’s Day down our throats for at least a month now. There’s no other holiday in existence that can make so many otherwise intelligent, independent women feel so bad about themselves just because they don’t have a significant other. It doesn’t help that as we get older, more and more of our friends start to settle down. Valentine’s Day can take a real shot at your self-worth if you let it, dictating that someone should want to be with you every Feb. 14.

We all know it just doesn’t work that way. At some point, and in my case repeatedly,  you’re going to be single on Valentine’s Day — and that’s okay!

Being single does not make you unloved: Your family and friends love you. I hear your objection of, “That’s not the point!” But love is love, and why shouldn’t it be celebrated in whatever form it comes in? We all remember that moment on the ultimate single gal’s show, “Sex and the City,” when Mr. Big tells Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha, “You three know (Carrie) better than anyone. You’re the loves of her life and a guy’s just lucky to come in fourth.” Having awesome friends is just as important as having a kick-ass significant other. So instead of throwing yourself a pity party, I suggest you gather your single girlfriends and throw a girls’ night bash free from the overcrowded restaurants with clichéd pre fixe menus and so much red and pink it looks like Cupid threw up in there.

Here’s what you’ll need.

What would a girls’ night be without a few cocktails? Cheers to the friends who love you no matter what!

Love Potion #9

1 ounce strawberry, vanilla or clear vodka
1/2 ounce white crème de cacao
1/2 cup fresh or frozen strawberries
1 scoop of vanilla ice cream
1/2 cup ice
1 strawberry for garnish

Pour the ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a chilled margarita glass. Garnish with a strawberry.

Chocolate covered strawberries. They’re sexy and sweet, and there’s always an excuse for chocolate. Making them together is a great group activity, and you know all the attached girls will be missing out when their guys present them with generic boxes of cheap chocolates. Gather a smorgasbord of toppings for extra flair. I like sprinkles, crushed Andes mints, crushed nuts and shredded coconut.

6 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped, or semisweet chocolate chips
1 pound large ripe strawberries (about 20)

Wash strawberries, leaving stems on, and pat dry thoroughly with paper towels. Set aside at room temperature. In microwave-safe bowl, melt chocolate in microwave on either defrost setting or 10 percent power for one minute. Stir. Continue microwaving at 10 to 20 second intervals, stirring after each time, until chocolate is melted.  Line a baking sheet with wax paper. While holding the stem, dip each strawberry in chocolate one at a time, twirling as you remove each strawberry. Sprinkle on desired topping(s). Place strawberries on baking sheet. When all strawberries have been dipped, place baking sheet in refrigerator for 15 minutes or keep at room temperature for 30 minutes, until chocolate is set. Serve strawberries the same day they are dipped.

For white chocolate drizzle (optional), melt 3 ounces chopped white chocolate and use a fork to drizzle it over the dipped strawberries.

A great chick flick. Take advantage of a night with the ladies and watch all of your favorite tearjerkers, such as “Dirty Dancing,” “Beaches,” “Ghost” and “The Notebook.” A marathon of “Sex and the City” on DVD is another great choice.

A jewelry and/or clothing swap. You might not have a man, but a girl can never  have too many clothes and accessories. Have your friends bring unwanted items of clothing and/or jewelry and set up a swap. Use this as an opportunity to rid your closet of clothes you just don’t wear, and add cute new items to your wardrobe — for free!

In today’s world, there are plenty of great reasons to be single by choice; maybe you don’t ever want to be married, maybe you’re simply not looking, maybe you want to focus on your career and on being independent, or maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet. Whatever the reason, instead of moping that you haven’t found The One for you, you should be thanking your lucky stars you didn’t settle and end up with the wrong person. For every great guy out there, there’s at least one terrible guy who hasn’t grown up yet and maybe never will. People are putting off settling down for longer than ever before, according to “USA Today,” to go to school, to travel and to just enjoy being young. In a world where we are often overwhelmed or paralyzed by choice, we can at least be proud that we are choosing to embrace our single selves.  So to the still-single ladies of 2011, let’s take it easy on ourselves this year. It’s a jungle out there.

For years, lovers have given generic and boring gifts to their significant others on Valentine’s Day.  Collections of drugstore chocolates, cheap perfumes and colognes and crappy “romantic” candles that are said to set the mood have become a rut that gift givers turn to.

In the spirit of the new year, we at Blast suggest that a new standard be set for Valentine’s Day gifts. Boston establishments such as Beacon Hill Chocolates, Condom World, Sweet & Nasty and LUSH Cosmetics raise the bar for Valentine’s Day with their unique, fun gifts that put a spin on traditional choices.

Beacon Hill Chocolates

91 Charles St.
617-725-1900
www.beaconhillchocolates.com

Forget that heart-shaped box of cheap chocolates! On the brick streets of Beacon Hill lies aptly named Beacon Hill Chocolates, a gourmet chocolate store that prides itself in its unique keepsake gift boxes and artisan chocolates.

The company, which will be celebrating its fifth birthday this April, imports rich chocolates from chocolatiers in Belgium, France and a local business in Natick, Mass., called Cocoa Pod.

Rebecca Novak, the manager of the store, said that the big seller for Valentine’s Day this year will be the handcrafted keepsake boxes. Chocolates for Valentine’s Day may not be original, but with these decorative decoupage-style boxes designed with vintage postcards, lithographs, illustrations and photographs, customers can mix and match any type of chocolate truffles they want.

“It’s personalized,” Novak said. “You can’t find the boxes anywhere else.”

Out of the hundreds of artfully crafted truffles and painted hearts, Novak personally recommends the heart-shaped Cognac Caramels or the Brownie Bite Truffles. Other special items to look out for include the Caramel Sushi, Salted Caramel Fudge and the over-sized Chocolate Conversation Hearts.

It’s advisable to place custom orders a week prior to Valentine’s Day, especially for the fresh chocolate-covered strawberries that will be available this year.

Condom World

332 Newbury St.
617-267-7233
www.condomworldboston.com

Upon entering Condom World, the popular X-rated store on Newbury Street, the first thing that stands out is a swaying clock designed to look like two cows “doing the nasty.”

Mike Morrison, the store’s manager, thinks that couple-related products will be the best sellers this year for Valentine’s Day.

“Love is in the air and we’re a sex shop,” Morrison said.

Rather than look at items that are separate for men and women, Morrison motions towards products that couples can use together. Items such as vibrating rings, edible body lotion and lube, dirty dice, books of “coupons” that merit sexy activities such as “one hot bath together,” and body paint pens allow for shared Valentine’s Day gifts.

Various other items around the store include Kama Sutra books, naughty costumes and masturbation items for those who are celebrating the holiday alone.

The wall-length stretch of vibrators and dildos may be intimidating at first glance, but the fun, hands-on nature of Condom World gifts goes unmatched for Valentine’s Day.

Sweet & Nasty

90 Massachusetts Ave., # 90A
617-266-7171
www.sweet-n-nasty.com

Looking for a sweet treat besides the usual box of chocolates? Take the train to Hynes Convention Center and buy a couple of chocolate penis pops from Sweet & Nasty erotic bakery.

Niki Novak, the owner of Sweet & Nasty, dove into the erotic bakery business in October of 1981 and has been going strong for 30 years.

When visiting her sister in New York, Novak had her first penis cake experience and it was about as appetizing as corrugated cardboard.  This served as a springboard for Novak to open her own erotic bakery with naughty goods that tasted great.

All the big sellers for Valentine’s Day are edible, such as G-strings, booby tassels, handcuffs and anatomically correct body parts.

“It combines chocolate, sex and love,” Novak said, describing the essence of her work.

The light-hearted humor behind the Valentine’s Day gifts from Sweet & Nasty replaces the typical serious romance theme of the holiday. Lovers may not wish to propose to their significant others with a chocolate mold of two pigs “making bacon,” but it’s items like these that show that some thought was put into the gifts.

Novak says it’s typical to hear customers say, “This would be perfect for so and so” or, “Oh my God, this is so gross.”  She explained that the most disgusted customers end up making the final purchases.

Anyone who wants some Buxom Bettys or Bite-Sized Tit Pops should place orders sooner than later.  Two to three days prior to Valentine’s Day at Sweet & Nasty can only be described as a mob scene.

LUSH Cosmetics

166 Newbury St.
617-375-5874
www.lushusa.com/shop

Perfume and cologne are one of the many generic “go-to” gifts for Valentine’s Day.  If anyone is considering the gift of scent, the one store on Newbury Street that you can smell from a block away is calling out to lovers this year.

LUSH Cosmetics is the candy land of homemade bath bombs, soaps and all that smells wonderful.

Sarah Hewitt, the manager of the Newbury Street location, says that one of the best sellers for Valentine’s Day is the Sex Bomb bath bombs.

“Sex Bomb is the ultimate sensual bath bomb,” Hewitt said.

Items such as Sex Bomb and the limited edition Valentine’s Day products are better than ordinary perfumes because they are made of natural aphrodisiacs that set the mood for the holiday.

Some of the limited edition bubble bars, bath bombs and soaps that are sure to sell out quickly are Magic Mushroom, The Ex Factor, Frog Prince and Love Birds.

Gifts from LUSH can range anywhere from $4 to $200.

Popular scents that Hewitt recommends are vanilla, chocolate, rose and jasmine.  These scents can be found in many of the massage bars, and not only do they smell good, but they lend themselves to romantic back rubs.

LUSH’s soaps and unique fragrances can replace the cheap cologne gift as well with scents like Demon in the Dark, Ice Blue, Sea Vegetable and Karma.  The masculine scents smell lovely without being too overpowering.

If you find yourself single and sad, grab a Blackberry bath bomb and spend the holiday smelling bergamot, a natural anti-depressant.

It’s almost the time of year for snuggling by the fire and kissing under the mistletoe, but don’t get too warm and cozy just yet — you could be in for some holiday heartbreak.

According to British journalist David McCandless, two weeks before Christmas is a peak time of year for couples to break up. He knows this because he has analyzed over 10,000 Facebook status updates in an effort to discover the days of the year when you’re most likely to be watching chick flicks and stuffing your face with pints of ice cream.

In a video from last July’s TED conference in Oxford, England, McCandless explains that after searching Facebook status updates for the terms “breakup” and “broken up,” he and his colleague Lee Byron created a graph of how frequently the terms were used on different days of the year. The graph shows clear spikes in breakup activity, suggesting that these findings may hold true to relationship trends outside of online status updates. According to the data, couples split most frequently during these times of the year:

• Just after Valentine’s Day. Breaking up with someone right before or on the day dedicated to love would reserve you a special place in hell.

• Right before Spring Break. You don’t want to have to be the “attached” buzz-kill in Cancun.

• Two weeks before Christmas. Because breaking up with someone on Christmas Day is just cruel. And face it, you don’t want to have to buy your soon-to-be-ex presents because, well, they’ll soon be your ex. And the idea of meeting “the family” makes you gag.

Other times of the year with notable spikes of heartbreak are April Fools’ Day (the joke really is on you) and during summer break (your ex is so last school year). Mondays are the most popular break up day of the week, because, really, what’s one more reason to hate them?

But, relax, if your relationship is intact on Christmas Day, you’re in the clear for at least 24 hours — it’s the slowest break-up day of the year.

If you feel as if the intimacy in your relationship needs a boost, this may be a solution for you. Author Lisa Pankau wrote Beyond Seduction, Loving Without Limits. Pankau says there are five types of intimacy that can be developed to create a stronger bond between couples that can last a lifetime.

According to Pankau, vulnerability is the best way to create intimacy.

"Vulnerability and intimacy are two words that create stress for most people, especially men," said Pankau. "But true love comes out of intimacy and to experience intimacy on deeper and more profound levels, one must experience vulnerability."

So what exactly are the five types of intimacy? Keep reading.

Intellectual intimacy is the process of having conversations with your partner. It sounds simple enough, but you should share your life aspirations and make plans to help each other attain those goals and dreams even if they may seem unrealistic. Another option is to have a meal together without the television or anything that may cause a distraction. Use that time to hear what is going on in your partner’s life and then share the same with him/her.

Social Intimacy is the process of sharing and enjoying what happens when you are together in public. Have a date night one night per week. Try an activity that you wouldn’t normally do, but your partner enjoys. Then ask him/her to do the same. Don’t forget that courtship never ends!

Spiritual Intimacy is the mutual understanding and respect for each others’ religious beliefs. Share your insights and inspirations for your personal and spiritual growth. Discuss how you feel about religion or spirituality.

Emotional Intimacy occurs when you can share something that makes you feel insecure or vulnerable and your partner responds with respect and kindness. Trust and confidence will cause your relationship to grow to deeper levels of love. Exchange your deepest secrets and listen to each other with an open and loving heart. Remember not to judge.

Physical Intimacy is the act of touching each other in both a non-sexual and a sexual way. Ask your partner what they would like to try and you answer the same question, and then do it. Light some candles and invite your partner to share a romantic bubble bath with you. Sip on some champagne and engage in a nice conversation in the tub.

Try these five steps and perhaps your relationship will get its spark back.

For more information and examples of each level of intimacy check out http://www.beyondseductionlovingwithoutlimits.com/

Discovery Channel’s “The Science of Sex Appeal” wonders where real attraction comes from.

Is it his six-figure salary? The sound of her voice? His smell?

Maybe it’s their values or religious beliefs?

Perhaps it’s something you can’t quite put your finger on.

Of course, it’s totally possible that you’re purely attracted to their hot body, face, hair, arms, legs, ass and anything else physical.

“The Science of Sex Appeal” is a probing documentary that explores these passionate mysteries.

Want a free copy of the DVD?

Register as a free Blast user and post a comment. Tell us what you notice in someone you’re attracted to. The most unique response will win the DVD.

You must be a legal US resident, 18 or older.

Thomas Edwards tells me that I’m beautiful, smart and intimidating. So, naturally, I like the guy.

It’s a good thing, too, because likability, charm and confidence are vital to his career. Edwards’ job as "The Professional Wingman" is to guide his clients to a happy and healthy social life or relationship — and he’s good at it. He can’t help it. The second I hit the stop button on my recorder, he effortlessly slides into asking me questions about my own love life … and I begin to divulge the secrets my best friend doesn’t even know. "I’m only telling you this," I hear myself say, "because you’re a professional."

And professional he is. He is 24 and already he owns a successful business, and he’s doing what he loves.

"I’m not in it for the business, I’m in it to help other people," Edwards said. "It just happened. It wasn’t like I raised my hand in class and told my teacher that I wanted to be a (dating) coach."

Curiously, Edwards’ story isn’t much different from a date doctor you may be more familiar with — Will Smith’s character in the popular romantic comedy, “Hitch.” After being cheated on and dumped in college, Edwards wondered what he was doing wrong. He wanted to make himself more attractive and appealing to women so he could hurry up and find "the one." Being the disciplined hard worker that he is, Edward’s spent his time researching what makes people engaging and efficient. He eventually started a blog about his life, but it was his musings on dating and relationships that really sparked an interest in people. A career was born.

Edwards appears to have all the qualities you want in someone guiding one of the most important aspects of your life. He’s handsome, intelligent and funny. He’s charming in a way that makes you want to hang out with him, even if it does come with a hefty price tag. He’s stylish and he knows the Boston singles scene like no one else. I met him at MiniBar in the Copley Square Hotel, the ultra-suave lounge/bar were he meets his clients. He even knew what to order — the mini Kobe beef burgers were his delicious suggestion.

On top of all this, he is a sensitive guy who can charm you stupid while shoving a burger down his throat (in a very gentlemanly way).

"I do it because I have been there. I know what it’s like to think that you’re giving everything to someone that’s really special to you and losing that," Edwards said. "I want people to feel empowered. I want people to feel confident, and I want people to feel as though they can get someone they know that they truly deserve."

In his quest to find you someone you truly deserve, Edwards will meet you for a free consultation where he will begin by questioning you about the history of your love life. "It’s not about the path that lies in front of you, it’s the path that’s behind you," he said.

Edwards has worked with 50 clients, but turns down the ones who are just looking to get laid.

"I’m all about people who want to improve their lives and improve their lives with someone that they want to spend a significant amount of their time with,” he said, “You don’t really benefit from having 24 hour relationships.”

But, for those of you wondering (and I know you are), he does touch on the topic of sex with his clients. He talks about what makes you sexually attractive, as well as how to create a mood that will induce sexual arousal. But after that, he just says no.

"I can only teach so much. After a certain point, you’re kind of on your own. I can’t really do that part for you."

But there’s a lot he can do, according to Ben Margolis, one of Edwards’ clients.

"Everything he says is simple and optimistic,” said the 26-year-old software developer. “There are no routines that he has you memorize; instead he boosts your confidence and makes you realize how to think.”

And it works.

"Thomas changed me for the better. I can walk up to anyone without fearing an awkward situation," Margolis said. "With women, I used to be a hopeless romantic, always trying to impress her with stuff. Now I know that I’m the catch."

Margolis initially hired Edwards for one night out to see if he was the real deal. "My first interaction was a fail since I committed the crime of doing the one two punch of asking ‘how are you doing’ and ‘where you guys from?’ People don’t go out to be interviewed! The temperature went down to 10 degrees so I had to leave the women," said Ben.

But his next move was better. "Thomas coached me right there and convinced me to use less questions and talk about myself; naturally the partners in conversation will talk about themselves. A few minutes later, he left me alone again and I ended up approaching again, this time comparing my taste in cocktails with two women, which was far more successful."

Although Margolis has yet to find Ms. Right, he’s built confidence and plans to continue working with Edwards.

Edwards, on the other hand, has found his perfect woman. "We’re pretty devoted to one another. I am totally crazy about her. And it took me a while for me to find that person that I could honestly say could be the one," he swooned.

They’ve been together for three months.

"I am a hopeless romantic, believe me. My sister will even call me a sap because I care so much and I’m so loving," Edwards said.

Once his clients are in a relationship of their own, they often still seek out Edwards’ advice. "My whole theory is: once you get the girl, you gotta know how to keep her," he said.

Attached guys ask what they should buy their girlfriends for Christmas and how to deal when things are moving too fast.

"Women would read Cosmo to find out great, interesting ways to keep their men sexually aroused — what’s the difference with me giving advice of what would be a great gift idea?" he asked.

Speaking of women, Edwards does coach a few. So far he’s worked with three, but women do make up about 40 percent of his requests for service.

"More and more women have been recently approaching me, asking me about the service. But they just tend to take longer with pulling the trigger," he joked.

For women out there who want to know what advice Edwards would give them, I picked his brain for a good hour. He’s overflowing with tips and tricks for both sexes, so guys, you listen up too.

Next page

For the ladies

Tip 1: Guys are lazy and nervous. Don’t give them extra work — make yourself approachable when you’re out.

"You’re at the bar, your back is turned, and he knows you’re absolutely gorgeous, there’s no chance in hell he’s gonna walk all the way over here, through a crowded place to approach you because it’s too much. It’s too much buildup to that moment," said Edwards. He suggests making yourself open and receptive. Sit somewhere that allows you to look around, like in the corner. Don’t sit with your back to the room or in the middle of a crowd of girlfriends.

Tip 2: This one is an oldie, but Edwards stresses that it works. "Be a little flirtatious," he said. Touch his shoulder or arm. "It shows you want to break the physical barrier and he’ll know he can touch you back."

Tip 3: Play hard to get — a little. "In any beginning stage of a relationship, there needs to be a cat and mouse chase because as a woman, you want to make sure a guy is worth it," Edwards said.

Tip 4: If he’s just not that into you, move on. "When it comes down to it, if a guy is interested in you, he will make it known."

For the fellas

Tip 1: "It’s all about effort." Period.

Tip 2: "You don’t need a pick up line to start conversations with women," said Edwards. "All you have to do is say, ‘Hi, I’m insert your name here.’" But, he warns, it won’t work every time.

Tip 3: Don’t be afraid to approach a woman you like, no matter how hot she is. "If you like her let her know. Women like confidence."

Tip 4: If you’re not looking for a committed relationship, be honest about it. Women appreciate it and might be looking for the same thing. Said Edwards, "I don’t know why guys go through all these round-about ways to get there when there’s a straight line."

Now, ladies and gents, Edwards has some oh-so-helpful tips when it comes to a problem all Boston singles face: where can I meet people?

For you young party animals, Edwards quickly lists off the best bars for flirting: MiniBar, Vox, Alibi, places with Happy Hour appetizers, Match on Thursdays (Ladies’ Night), the Financial District between 4 .p.m and 7 p.m. (to meet successful professionals), Rumba, Houston’s, restaurant bars like Legal Seafoods and places that have specials, such as wing night, like The Draft in Allston. Whew.

However, Edwards agrees that it can be hard to meet your next serious relationship when your fourth cocktail has you drunk texting your exes. "Use the whole day," said Edwards.

Be aware when you’re doing everyday activities like grocery shopping, waiting in line at the bank, or even walking down the street.

"Being social doesn’t mean going to bars or going out at night. Being social is having a personality that allows you to interact with other people. And you can be social 24/7. That’s the great thing about it," he said. "You gotta figure out a way to put yourself out there. Being shy is no longer an excuse."

Use your hobbies and things you like to do to meet people with similar interests. Go to wine tastings, go ice skating on the Frog Pond, head to events on the Common. Take cooking classes, yoga classes, salsa lessons, or rock climbing classes.

Great advice, but remember: "One time is not going to turn everything around. It’s gonna take several hundred times."

Edwards’ honesty is one of the many things that make him successful. Margolis would argue that it’s Edwards’ charisma that made him the number one wingman. "Look at the last few elections and you can’t help but realize how much charisma means to people. If John Kerry or Al Gore were more in touch with the American people they might have won the elections. Bill Clinton and George W. were the kind of guys you’d imagine being belly up to a bar with," said Margolis, whose bellied up to the bar with Edwards on many occasions.

"He’s actually a man of few words, and that makes people want to get stories out of him. He’s one of those rare people that can draw out the good parts of the others around him."

And that’s why he does it. Edwards just wants to help people find the love they deserve, but he knows he’s just a facilitator. In reality, it’s up to you to find your own happiness.

Asks Edwards, "How bad do you want it? How far are you willing to go to make it happen for you?"

Special thanks to Vox Populi for being the backdrop of the Blast cover photoshoot.

Ahhhh I’m seeing red. And roses. And lots of hearts.

Hallmark is at it’s happiest and the red ink on everyone’s printer is being drained.

So, I think there should be some tips for the broke-yet-happy couples in the world as well as the single folks out there who might need some helpful hints on how to enjoy a holiday that is basically designed solely for the happy couples of the world.

Here goes.

Broke yet happy couples

Make homemade chocolates. Easy enough. Sure, you have to buy the funny little plastic molds and the bags of chocolates. But they’re kind of fun to make. Who doesn’t like melting chocolates and actually having a reason to do it? You can get fancy and get different colored chocolates. Make all kinds of sappy, sentimental, sweet-toothed treats.

Go-to option #2: flowers. So freakin’ simple, yet so damn effective.

OK so I’m going to go a little out-of-the box on this one. I’m just going to put it out there. Feel free to throw it back if you aren’t feeling it. But listen. If you’re really broke and you can’t afford the candy or the flowers or the nice dinner out, then just skip all that and go for dessert. And by dessert I mean a can of whipped cream. I’m not going to tell you what to do with the whipped cream. I have faith that you will figure it out all on your own.

If you aren’t into that sort of thing, I kind of like the idea of funny gifts for this holiday. For me, it just seems hard to take the holiday so seriously when pictures of fat, semi-naked cupids are staring at me. And those stupid message hearts. Sugary goodness, yes. Easy to take seriously, no. Besides, real gifts are for birthdays, anniversaries, and that jolly holiday season that I love so much and seriously miss already. But then I think about spring coming and I’m happy again. Unlike all those unsmiling Bostonians out there…

OK, so this one came to me after a recent alumni weekend in which my girls and I stayed in a hotel for free because one of my roomie’s father’s gets free hotel rooms as part of his work benefits. Does someone you love get free hotel rooms? If yes, give them a call. A free hotel room is a free hotel room. And Valentine’s Day is all about being with each other, not how much money you spend while you’re together. Feel free to use that line when your girl/guy yells at you for being cheap.

All my single ladies (and men)

How to deal? Few methods.

There’s the buddy system. As in grab your closest single buddy and have a fun day together. There’s the strength in numbers plan if you have a solid group of single friends that you can get together with.

But, honestly, don’t feel like you even have to acknowledge the holiday. Treat it like another Arbor Day: a holiday that generally goes unnoticed until a week later when you look at the calendar.

This year the big day falls on a Sunday. You know what Sunday is in grad school language? Homework day! Yay! Blech. Gag me. No, but seriously. It’s good that it’s on a Sunday. Do your homework that’s due the next day that you’ve been putting off all week (crap, there goes the New Year’s resolution), hit the gym, do some grocery shopping. It’s a Sunday. Treat it as such.

Don’t want to ignore Big Red? Then don’t. Power to ya. Nothing wrong with finding yourself a date for the day or night. This is your chance to score a free meal, free candy, maybe even free flowers, all because it’s a holiday that you personally have nothing to do with.

So yeah, for those of you actually celebrating the holiday, Valentine’s Day definitely doesn’t have to be a break-the-bank kind of day. A good rule of thumb to follow: the cornier something is, the more sentimental it might turn out to be, and the cheaper it probably is.

And in case anyone is wondering, I enjoy chocolate with caramel and yellow tulips.

It’s here

The day that some swoon over and others loathe. Whether you’re in a relationship or flying solo, the day is as full of as many expectations and dilemmas as the local pharmacy is with aisles and aisles of cheap chocolates and cutesy heart-shaped trinkets. Here’s Blast’s take on how to handle some not-so-sweet Valentine’s Day situations.

If you or your significant other (S.O.) is sick…and not with the love bug

Take this opportunity to show how much you care. Snuggle up on separate chairs and enjoy a night in for a change. Make chicken soup and watch a movie. Extra points for giving a back rub! Are you the one that’s sick? Send this article to your S.O. and cross your finger that he or she takes the hint. Oh, and no sex tonight. Instead, choose a night you’ll both be free when that miserable cold or flu is likely to be gone. Plan a romantic dinner in and some extra time between the sheets — it’ll give you both something to look forward to.

If you’re so broke that the Dollar Store is your new Macy’s

In this economy, you’re not alone. The easiest solution is to get crafty: Make your sweetie a card and make his or her favorite dinner. Then uncork your favorite $6 bottle of vino and give your SO a full body massage. Use oil. and light candles to really get in the mood. Spending ridiculous amounts of money on awesome gifts like gorgeous jewelry or his favorite sold-out video game is lame, right? Right?!

If you and your S.O. just started dating, so this holiday could make it or break it

No pressure! This is a tricky holiday for new romances; if you overdo it, you look like a desperate psycho, but if you blow it off, your S.O. might question how seriously you are taking the relationship. Keep it sweet and simple. Guys, take her out to eat at her favorite place and don’t forget the flowers. Channel your feminine side and be romantic! Girls, bake him his favorite cookies or flavor of cupcakes. Don’t, we repeat don’t, get him anything cutesy, like a scrapbook of the three amazing weeks you’ve spent together unless you want week four to be the last.

If you promised another couple that you’d have a romantic double-date, but the thought of watching them feed each other and play footsie makes you and your S.O. want to hurl

The solution to getting some precious alone time on V-Day in this situation is simple: lie. Feign illness. Just mention the Swine Flu and they’ll practically beg you to ditch the plans! Plan on a date in the future so they don’t suspect a thing.

If you and your S.O. are in a fight

Big problem, or perfect timing? Two words: MAKE-UP SEX. Screw all the lovey-dovey crap and get down to the dirty business. Use chocolate, caramel and whipped cream in the bedroom. Do things that those so-sickeningly-cute-they-never-fight couples would blush about. By the end of the night, you two won’t even remember what you were fighting about.

If Cupid’s arrow completely missed you this year

If you’re brave enough to spend V-Day alone, the solution for lonely guys is pretty easy: porn, pizza and beer. Ladies, spend the day celebrating you — the hot, sexy, single you. Go shopping, go to the spa, or arrange a girls’ night with some other single gal pals. Make Cosmos and watch your favorite “breakup” episodes of Sex and the City, or a bunch of horror flicks – especially ones in which hard-bodied lovers die slow, horrible deaths.

See? Valentines Day can be a love-fest for everyone, no matter what your relationship status on Facebook says! Just get creative and remember: there’s always next year.

Fire, air, water, earth … Captain Planet? Nope, these four basic elements are what guide your relationships, according to Dr. Craig Martin, spiritual counselor, relationship expert, and author of the book “Elemental Love Styles.”

"Grouping personalities into four types of allows those who study human behavior to better understand how people operate in the world and in relationships with one another,” says Martin.

To help you discover your "love styles," the upcoming book includes a quiz that will tell you which element — or elements — your personality most closely resembles. Once you know your element, Martin shares insights into your personality that are meant to help you succeed in your relationships.

So, is all this bullshit, scientific fact or something in-between? I took the quiz to figure it out.

There are 44 easy-to-answer questions that are a little too reminiscent of a Facebook quiz. Examples:

My motto would be:

1. No guts, no glory
2. It’s all good
3. Music calms the savage beast
4. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

If I were a game, I would be:

1. Charades
2. Trivial Pursuit
3. Clue
4. Monopoly

Yes, they’re a little annoying (personally, I like to think of myself as a Twister), but if you get through them, you might be surprised at what you learn.

My score indicated that I am an Air Style, which is categorized as "intellectual." (fire style is creative, water style is emotional and earth style is practical). As far as I can tell, the analysis is pretty much dead-on, except for a few minor bits and pieces.

True to my personality, the book says that I am a thinker and communicator, that "laughter is the soundtrack to (my) life" and that I could have a career as a journalist (let’s hope so). It also claims I’m a sucker for dirty talk, but I’ll decline to confirm or deny that one thank-you-very-much.

All in all, an interesting analysis, though its assertion that I share many similarities with Luke Skywalker left me more than a little confused.

If you’re just dying to figure out which element matches you the best (and I know you are), you’ll have to buy the book and take the quiz yourself. You might just be lucky enough to find that you’re a Fire and that you share many similarities with The Fonz. Yup, the guy from “Happy Days.”

Aside from your personal elemental love style, the books uses touchy-feely words and the usual Dr. Phil type analogies in chapters such as "Intimacy and the Road Trip of Love" to set your relationship on the right track.

Kinda lame, kinda fun, like most relationship books out there. Hey, it’ll make a great Valentine’s Day gift for your single friends — it hits shelves February 2.

I recently picked up and moved to a new city, to begin a new chapter of my life, but in all of the hustle and bustle of boxes and goodbyes, I forgot to prepare myself for that fear I remembered so well from the first day of kindergarten, college and my first job: I have to make new friends.

With all things familiar several hundred miles south, it was hard to ignore the absence of a go-to friend, someone to talk to about nothing and everything. Attempting to look on the bright side, I set a few goals for the months ahead. In order of importance: be more open-minded, do not hesitate if something intrigues me, and get more sleep.

In a matter of days, I arrived to class well-rested with an open mind, and voila, something intrigued me. Now for the detailed and non-sugar-coated version, I was actually lingering in the hallway outside of my first graduate-level business class. Well beyond five minutes late, I stood in the doorway, peering into a room full of men who were wearing suits and unamused expressions. Just before I took my seat, out of the corner of my eye, I was sure I had spotted a smile on the face of a stranger who was a dead-ringer for James Marsden. In a matter of seconds I politely acknowledged the return of my sixteen year-old self and waved goodbye to the shred of focus I hoped I could muster up for the remainder of this three-hour business class.

Not surprisingly, I have absolutely no idea what was covered in class that night, since I instead occupied my time conjuring up a socially acceptable opening line, given the fact that I had absolutely nothing to ask or tell. Inquiring about class was out, primarily because it is so uninteresting that I myself would stay clear of anyone who did. Besides, I was not paying attention. The three seconds of eye contact were not a justifiable basis either, since a late arrival to this class is analogous to a bomb detonating in any other place. Lastly, asking anything remotely personal would deem me a desperate stalker.

I had read "The Secret" on a flight to Colorado, momentarily enchanted at the ability to will things into your life through thought. About 20 pages in, I tucked that book into the seat-back pocket in front of me, for good. I was uninterested and harshly critical of anyone who fell for it, but I must admit that I did secretly and strongly hope that I would be assigned to the same semester project group as this person. Based on my amusing-to-others but horrible luck with scratch-off lottery tickets and fortune cookies, this was probably unlikely. So, either I have a new-found supernatural ability, or fate knew that I could have really used a friend. Our names were called and with a few minutes left in class, we were instructed to cover introductions and a very brief brainstorming session.

I do not remember the exact words we exchanged that night, but I know his were sharp and captivating. I also know that I probably overlooked some clever pun or enlightened retort, but I would soon hear my fair share. Over the next couple of weeks, I began to look forward to our conversations, entertained and at ease regardless of length or topic. Rather than your usual inattentive “checking in” repartee, we dove into sincere and purposeful thoughts, genuinely interested in what the other was saying, and able to pick up where we had left off.

Still, there was no rush to divulge every detail just yet, but rather we were revealing and discovering the little things at a slow, refreshing pace. Yes, I am still talking about a friendship, and one in which I was learning a lot about myself.

For example, I had made a comment about a friend in my past—quite cavalier in her regard for me—who had recently resurfaced and attempted to fortify the remains of our friendship.

My new friend urged me to tread carefully around anyone who questioned my passions or my choices. He said there was nothing wrong with cutting my losses. I hadn’t quite realized how great of an impact my new friend had made in such a short amount of time. That is likely because most of our conversations take place over drinks, each time at yet another bar he recommended, citing each as ‘perfect’. It turns out, he has a knack for discovering places that are everything you want and nothing you don’t, as far as bars go. Lively crowds, but pleasantly absent of annoyingly loud, over-dressed girls. Great music—as in a song you love, followed by a song you forgot you loved, without a hint of Britney Spears or Kanye West. In these places, it never takes more than a minute or two to get a drink, poured by a bartender in a wish-I-saw-it-first t-shirt. Just as promised: perfection.

I also treasure the always adventurous commute to our post-class drinks, which have become an excellent pre-established Thursday night tradition and the highlight of my week. As a side note, I am thoroughly impressed by my friend’s ability to dispense such thoughtful advice while holding on for dear life, contemplating whether to speak up to a female New Jersey driver who blatantly lies about having a good sense of direction.

Grateful for the rather frightening realization that I needed to make friends quickly in my new life, I took a chance, let my guard down, and discovered that it is possible to find a genuine friendship at this stage in life. What’s more, the rules of being friends with the opposite sex have, as far as I’m concerned, gone out the window.

Certainly I thought it naive to be unable to find fault in someone, but I knew this was nothing like the fast friendships I had made in the past. Those were usually with girls, and were based on some trivial set of values, masquerading as common interests. It was nothing like a high school boyfriend where passing notes and going to the movies on Fridays constituted a relationship. Instead of bonding over some shared activity, we became friends with each other because of who we are.

I have no problem admitting that I have outgrown many friendships from my past, but only recently did it occur to me that most of those friends were girls. At the risk of oversimplifying my logic, it is nothing more than the fact that guys do not “do” drama, are straightforward when I ask for advice, and they can “cut to the chase” so to speak. rather than exhausting the details of every single minute of the day. Also, a love of whiskey probably factors in here.

For now, at a time when life is and should be somewhat ‘up in the air’ I find no comfort in the adage that things will get better with time. Rather, life throws you into times when each day is just as harrowing as the one before it, and you have to actively pursue people and passions that make the day worthwhile. What works for me is the reminder that after a long week of work, where papers replace parties and reading replaces sleeping; something as routine as a Thursday night business class is actually all I really need. The truth is, regardless of what is splashed across yet another PowerPoint presentation, I get to see my new friend and for a couple of hours, everything else sort of fades.

Love triangles. Desperate women. Desperate men. Lots of tears. It sounds more fitting for 3 p.m. on ABC, but it all comes together on the screen in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” a fictional story based on a non-fiction advice book “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

Let me save you two hours: If you’re a single guy (me) you’re going to come out of this movie feeling hopeless (though why you’d go see this movie, I do not know). If you’re a single girl, you’ll come out of this movie with a rejuvenated sense of hope. If you’re gay, you’ll just laugh (the gay angle makes more sense after you see the movie). And if you’re a guy in a relationship going to see this movie with your girlfriend, you’re not going to get any that night.

Try to absorb all this:

The movie opens on Gigi, (Ginnifer Goodwin) a desperately single woman who goes out with greasy real estate agent Conor (Kevin Connolly). Conor never calls Gigi after their first date, but Gigi sits by the phone hoping beyond hope that he’ll call. She eventually decides to “casually stroll into” Conor’s usual bar hangout where she meets bar manager Alex (Justin Long — the Mac guy) who takes poor Gigi under his wing, explaining, deftly and darkly, the true nature of guy-girl interactions.

Queue Ben (Bradley Cooper) and Janine (Jennifer Connelly), the token married couple in the film. They are pouring their yuppie dollars into renovating brownstone when Ben gets tempted by a yoga instructor-come-singer named Anna (Scarlett Johansson). Conor is in love with Anna, and they are technically dating, but Anna treats Conor like a best friend — ergo, she doesn’t screw him anymore. Anna gets bad advice from her best friend Mary (Drew Barrymore) who works in advertising sales for a gay lifestyle magazine. Anna decides to pursue the married Ben.

Then we have Neil (Ben Affleck) and Beth (Jennifer Aniston) who have been together for seven years but aren’t married, despite Beth’s desire and the fact that all her sisters are already married off. Neil is Ben’s best friend.

Finally, Mary is struggling with her own pseudo-single-ness, dealing with guys that text message, web chat, and MySpace her instead of call. Facebook would have made the movie seem less “2005.”

The whole shtick takes place in modern Baltimore, and it’s nice to see a city besides New York and Los Angeles portrayed.

The movie has an undoubtedly all-star cast. Affleck and Aniston seem like elder statesmen, and each give strong performances. In many ways, this is a break out film for both Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin. “He’s Just Not That Into You” was the #1 movie Friday night, with more than $10.5 million coming in at the box office.

Goodwin was (albeit purposefully) a little annoying, and Long seems to try just a bit too hard to sell his character as a chick magnet, but it’s obvious as the baton gets passed to these two young stars and that we have more to expect from them down the line.

The movie was full of “awwww’s” and hateful hisses from the largely female audience which really got emotionally invested in the film. It was a bit too long at 2:10, but that’s not surprising considering how many stories the ending had to tie up.

Scarlett Johansson plays a skank surprisingly well and comes off particularly sexy, even for her, and especially considering the shockingly wholesome temperature of the entire movie.

It’s a total chick flick, and “He’s Just Not That Into You” isn’t a movie made to please critics.

Playing to its base it does well.