MIAMI — Standing on my seat at Joe Robbie Stadium, I felt an electric jolt of collective will and hope transmitting from the sellout crowd to the eleven Miami Dolphins strung into kickoff formation. The AFC Championship against Miami-killer Thurman Thomas and the nemesis Bills was seconds away. The special-teamers were pumping their arms at the raving, towel-waving crowd, inciting even more noise. It was a cloudless, temperate afternoon in 1993, Quiet Riot was blaring from the stadium speakers, and the Super Bowl would follow if they could just win this game. Those few minutes of optimistic anticipation during warm-ups, the intros, and that kickoff rank among my favorite Dolphin memories. It was finally going to be our time after so many letdowns and stories about the seventies.

Ten years before that awful loss to Buffalo, my preschool teacher gathered her class of mini-Miamians, with our defenselessly malleable developing brains, to start our indoctrination. She told us we were lucky, because we were from Miami, and Miami’s football team, the Dolphins, had the best winning percentage of any sports team in the world, she emphasized. It was also the only team that ever had a perfect season. Then she dropped the needle on a record and played the catchiest damn folk song our little ears had ever heard. I already knew about the golden-arm quarterback, because we had the same first name (my Dad’s friends made sure I knew this) and now I was hit with this fantastic little kids’ song, and told that I was a winner by geographical birthright, because the Miami Dolphins were #1. Soon I was watching every game on TV, learning to read with Edwin Pope’s articles, and even went to the Orange Bowl a couple times before Mr. Robbie built his stadium. There was never going to be another way for me. Unfortunately, following pro football in Miami means suffering the furious frustration of a spoiled kid denied the toy he covets, the self-delusion of an earnest mother with eternal faith in her no-good son, and, for the last decade, the excruciating boredom of a goat-rapist. Our teams’ irrelevance is perpetual, and because the draft and free agency are captivating times for a football fan, the disappointment is year-round, since we always blow the draft. Like smoking cigarettes, it’s marginally pleasurable, intellectually indefensible, and continued regardless. And we continue to dig to new lows. The losing is intolerable, but it is not the worst part. The star-struck owner has turned home games into a galling, cross-promotional caricature of a stadium experience. Random, chipper celebrities materialize constantly on a giant screen and make little dorsal-fin-hand-hats over their heads and tell the fans to “Fin Up!” Somebody reading this just yelled out “NO!” involuntarily and startled the people around him. But yes, I swear, that’s what happens at Dolphins games now.

The personnel department is exceptionally bad at procuring personnel, though we are used to that now. But our current GM seems a graceless ghoul, famous for suggesting that a potential draft picks’ mother was probably a whore. Though he is no longer nursing off the ample tit of the fraudulent Daddy Parcells, the baffling, bungling decisions continue. The organization has not been what anyone would call competent for many years. We have been losers, but we were somewhat classy losers. Now even that is gone. We used to have Marino – Dan the Man, to me, the best ever. Maybe we’d lose, but rarely because of him. Now we have Henne: inventor and champion of the one-yard swing pass Hail Mary. Do you remember the scene in Fire in the Sky when Travis gets back from the alien abduction and he’s by a phone booth, crouched naked in the rain, and when his friends almost touch him he unleashes a haunting, high-pitched scream of panicked terror? That’s either Henne under pressure or me watching the games – you choose, either works.

Do you realize it was eleven years ago that The Mustache imported his loathsome, repellent Run-Punt-Fold system that turned even the occasional 10-9 win into insipid, entertainment-neutral slop? That ultra-conservative, faux-macho style is a punishment to fans, vendors, cameramen and anyone else subjected to it, but now it’s practically ingrained, part of Dolphins DNA, a requisite to coach here. I support neither the method nor the results.

So what is The Dolphins? Who do we root for year after year? Is it the players, the clumsy keepers of the brand, the genteel uniforms, or just the city? I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s mostly the city for me, although sometimes I really like some of the players. My Dolphins habit has taught me patience. It has helped me existentially, giving me the self-awareness boost you get when you realize you are delusional for maintaining irrational perpetual hope in something broken. You know better, you do it anyway, but at least you know you know better. It’s a step.

For every Keith Byars sideline run through the Dallas snow with my whole family, even abuela, yelling deliriously at the TV, there have been dozens of wasted Sundays. With the epic gift of Marino came the sad reality that he retired ring-less and made the “best QB ever” argument on his behalf noble, but futile. That catchy song and schoolteacher’s appeal to my burgeoning civic pride doomed me. The situation is hopeless by all rational measure. It would be ridiculous to get sucked in again when there are no signs of a renaissance. I am a Dolphins fan and I hate the Dolphins. Unless… unless we get Cam Newton or Ryan Mallett. What this team needs is a quarterback, and then we’ll be contenders, maybe even #1.

Miami Dolphins QB Chad Pennington has won the Associated Press Comeback Player of the Year award for 2008. It’s the second time he’s claimed the award, when he nabbed it with the Jets in 2006.

Pennington revived a 1-15 Dolphins team and took them to the playoffs with an 11-5 record this season.

“I think in my experience over the last nine years is that when you’re winning, you feel appreciated; when you’re losing, it gets a little tough,” he said. “That’s just part of winning and losing, especially in this league because the stakes are high, a lot of eyes watching you, both individually and as a team.

“I don’t think the appreciation level ever changes, you just have to understand that there’s always going to be highs and lows. And it’s always to the extreme because the middle of the road doesn’t sail and it’s not exciting. The extremes, that’s what’s exciting, and that’s what everybody leans on.”

It’s not tough to imagine that no one was happier to see Pennington come to the Dolphins than first-year head coach Tony Sparano.

“He’s vital to this team, he really is,” Sparano said. “With Chad coming in here and doing what he’s done right now and bringing a bunch of people together, these young players, what he’s brought to them from a leadership standpoint.”

In the award’s 11 seasons, Pennington is the only player to win it twice.

Arizona Cardinals (+2.5) over Atlanta Falcons

Yes, Arizona has a horrific defense and they lost four out of their last six games. They look terrible and Kurt Warner is fifty-six years old. There’s probably ten teams in the NFC that are better than them. They only beat one other NFC team that was not in their division. Guess who? Yes, the Dallas Cowboys. Remember that blocked punt on October 12th? Of course, we all do. We all love watching Dallas implode. But this isn’t about Dallas. This is about Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons’ defense traveling to Arizona to play the Cardinals. This game is all about who can stop who and as horrific as the Cardinals defense is, Atlanta’s is not that much better. The Cardinals are in the middle of the pack at stopping the run and if they can keep Michael Turner in check, which is something many NFL teams have had a tough time doing, then they will win the game. I see this Arizona Cardinals offense running on all cylinders Saturday afternoon. Look for Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald to hook up many times, and not in a gay way, but in a watch-how-many-touchdowns-we-can-score kinda way. Final score Arizona 31 Atlanta 24 (for the record, they will get destroyed next round, completely destroyed).

Indianapolis Colts (-1) over San Diego Chargers

Revenge game. Peyton Manning is the MVP of the NFL. San Diego is not a good football team. They aren’t. They play in a horrible division and they aren’t ‘coming on strong.’ Look who they played in their last four games. The Oakland Raiders who suck. The Kansas City Chiefs who suck. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers who suck. And the Denver Broncos who suck. Their previous three games before that were against playoff teams (Steelers, Colts, and Falcons) and they lost all three of those games. I love the Colts in this game. I truly believe they are the best team in the NFL right now with the best player (Peyton Manning). I will be completely dumbfounded if the Chargers win this game. Final Score Indianapolis 30 San Diego 20

Baltimore Ravens (-3) over Miami Dolphins

I was up the street last night grabbing dinner when my buddy asked me ‘who plays quarterback for that purple team?’ I said, ‘Tarvaris Jackson?’ He said, ‘no.’ I said ‘Joe Flacco?’ and that turned out to be the correct answer. The fat guy with no chin sitting next to my buddy said, ‘he was my neighbor.’ For the sake of not butchering anymore punctuation I will continue this story without any ‘he said, she said’ crap. The fat guy with no chin (let’s just call him Fat No Chin, FNC for short) grew up with him during the summers in Ocean City, New Jersey. FNC told me he threw a wicked long ball on the beach. So right now I picture Joe Flacco tearing up the scene in Miami Beach throwing wicked long balls which will carryover till Sunday in a very nice rookie, playoff victory. Oh, and Ed Reed might have something to say about this game, too. Speaking of Ed Reed, would you rather have him or Troy Polamalu? Food for thought. Final Score Baltimore 20 Miami 17

Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Minnesota Vikings

There’s around 15,000 seats still available for this game and it’s subject to blackout in the Minneapolis area. How pathetic is that? Do you know what else is pathetic? Tarvaris Jackson. This is me breaking down this game. What the Eagles really need to do is establish the run and…..the Vikings quarterback is Tarvaris Jackson. If the Eagles can stop the run…..the Vikings quarterback is Tarvaris Jackson. The Eagles need to win the battle of field position…..the Vikings quarterback is Tarvaris Jackson. In conclusion, if the Eagles defense can put pressure on Tarvaris Jackson…..the Vikings quarterback is Tarvaris Jackson. You get my point? Final Score Philadelphia 34 Minnesota 17