Lord Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) returns and the realm is at war, with five kings competing in the "Game of Thrones."

Winter has come, my friends.

Now if you’re not already a rabid fan of this show or the series of books it’s based on, “A Song of Fire and Ice” by George R.R Martin, a reference such as that (a playful evocation of the motto of Winterfell) might confuse you. And while I would love to help usher in a new wave of fans to geek out with, this drama requires a commitment to the material like none before. Honestly, although I’m elated that HBO has stuck with it because of improbably good ratings, it shouldn’t be as successful as it is. Sprawling fantasy, as most understand it, is the realm for nerds with nothing better to do than pretend they are knights at the proverbial round table. But in 2011, ”Game of Thrones” helped alter that perception and revealed how badass swordplay, magic, and power grabbing could be.

David Benioff and D.B Weiss were tasked with bringing the elaborate vision of George R.R Martin to the small screen as Peter Jackson had done at the multiplex with J.R.R Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” (Wow, I’m just now noticing the R.R thing? An homage?). And it’s as daunting to take in as a viewer as it must be to translate such grandeur into 50-minute chances. But Benioff and Weiss don’t dumb down, nor do they handhold for anyone who missed the epic first season. And unfortunately neither can I. For the sake of space and regular sleep patterns, I won’t be able to recap what happened last year in thorough detail, though I will reference some pivotal events that occurred. So for those who are newcomers be weary of SPOILERS as we go forward. And for those who have read the source material, PLEASE do not reveal any plot elements not covered on the show in the comments. I have not read ANY of the books yet!

Now, with all that housekeeping out of the way, let’s dig in to the unrest in Westeros.

For those in the know, the events of this season are contained in Martin’s second book in the series, A Clash of Kings. There are five “kings” vying for the Iron Throne. The validity of each claim is for you to decide, but due to the rashness of the sitting king, Joffrey, the others have sprung into war to unseat him. Since there’s some new faces in the crowd, and we skip from location to location during the episode, we shall journey around the map here as well, to check in.

King’s Landing

At the capital, Joffrey is still the bloodthirsty, spoiled brat we left in season one. It’s his Name Day (a Westerosi version of birthdays) and for his amusement, his imposing personal guard, The Hound, is vanquishing knight after knight. Sansa, the poor soul, has to watch countless men slain after witnessing her father decapitated at the immature king’s behest not too long ago. But she politely watches the spectacle, dutifully responding to his whims with a “Your Grace” every time. She falls out of line once to save a knight’s life when the young bully orders his men to drown him in wine. She suggests that it would be bad luck to kill a man on his Name Day, and The Hound (who has shown pity for Sansa in the past) agrees. Therefore, the clumsy and tipsy knight is spared, but demoted to be Joffrey’s fool.

Much to my delight, Lord Tyrion returns from the battlefield (likely not from fighting, but from the battlefield nonetheless)! Arguably the lead of the show now that Sean Bean’s Ned Stark was offed, now Emmy and Golden Globe winner Peter Dinklage asserts himself from the jump, delivering nearly all the best lines. He immediately undercuts his nephew with quips like, “We looked for you on the battlefield, and you were nowhere to be found.” And when Joffrey defends himself with, “I’ve been here, ruling the kingdoms!” Tyrion sarcastically replies with, “And what a fine job you’ve done.”

He continues his tour of humiliation by interrupting a meeting of the the council where much to his sister (and Joffrey’s mother) Cersei’s dismay, their father, Tywin Lannister, has granted Tyrion the position of Hand to the King, while he commands the Lannister forces in battle. Tyrion assures her he only plans to advise the twerp, but we know that of all the self-minded brutes across the Seven Kingdoms, Tyrion is the trickiest to pin down when considering his motives. He berates his sister because they’ve lost track of the other Stark girl, Arya, who they could use when bargaining for their brother Jamie’s life. More on him later.

Winterfell

At the home country of the Starks, the young and newly crippled Bran is reigning Lord. Though he is as impatient as any child, he embodies the same honor his father possessed and seems to rule fairly with the aid of Maester Luwin. He continues to have prophetic dreams where he takes the form of his direwolf and his Wildling woman prisoner suggests there’s something special about them. You think? The only other note is that he notices a red comet streaking across the sky. He’s heard a rumor that it’s a symbol from the Old Gods of the blood spilt when his father was beheaded. But as he rides piggyback on the half-giant oaf, Hodor, the Wilding woman suggests it’s an indicator that dragons have returned, which even the youngster scoffs at. There haven’t been dragons for centuries! Which brings us to….

The Red Waste

Here we meet up with our favorite submissive Dothraki khaleesi, turned Queen of the Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen. With a loyal Dothraki hoard behind her, and Ser Jorah Mormont as her advisor, Daenerys treks across the hot, barren landscape hoping to stumble upon a civilization. She would also like some dragon food to feed her triplets, but the desert doesn’t seem to have any supermarkets. Can I just remark on how awesome it is that there’s a legitimate TV drama with CGI dragons? Sick nasty I say! Sick nasty! Anyway, Ser Jorah says they have to keep heading east otherwise to the south. “The Lamb People” will surely slaughter them. So she sends three loyal riders out separately in search of any friendly people who might be a tasty snack for her fire-breathing babies. And you know, if they have shelter that would be sweet too.

Something I picked up on too, Daenerys seemed to be making eyes at one particular rider, Rakharo. Yeah, I get that she’s vulnerable after her king hubby, Khal Drago, died from complications of a sword wound and black magic, BUT how long has she been mourning? I hope the grieving process is prolonged for at least a few more episodes before they inevitably get it on and actress Emilia Clarke is once again exposed. Because, why not?

North of the Wall

For a territory described with such dread last season, our first foray into the great unknown was mostly filled with whimsy. We meet the hilarious and hospitable master of incest, Craster (Robert Pugh) who provides the Night’s Watch with a resting place and some key intel. Our good friend and bastard son of Ned Stark, Jon Snow, is in search of his uncle Benjen Stark and has witnessed firsthand the return of the storied White Walkers, a sort of snow-covered zombie. Craster, when he’s not paranoid that one of the sex-deprived Men of the Black will have their way with one of his many daughter-wives, warns them that Mance Rayder, a deserter of the Night’s Watch has proclaimed himself King Beyond the Wall and assembled a formidable army. Then he makes some outlandish old man comment about how Jon Snow is prettier than most of his daughters and wonders if he has a “wet tw*t” between his legs. I’m not sure how I feel about this Westeros equivalent of a redneck, but I’ll admit that I laughed, and even mildly agreed with him that the Night’s Watch got the short end: a sexless life of service while he has a cozy cabin and all the girls he wants. Granted, they’re all his spawn and it’s creepy as all hell, but it’s a living, right? Yeah, no, it’s just wrong.

Dragonstone

Ou first new locale! And by proxy, the area that produces the most new faces. I’ll mention the few that are essential, according to experts of the books. Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane), is the BMOC (Big Man on Campus), and a legendary commander. He also fled his brother Robert’s kingdom and fled to this set of islands on the eastern side of Westeros. What little we gather is that he is a calculated, stoic, and precise man who bickers with his scribe over the wording of his letter of intent to the Seven Kingdoms. He refuses to call his deceased brother “beloved,” and though he’s an SOB, he insists Jamie Lannister still bear his title “Ser” since he is a knight after all. He has been informed by raven (the high-tech deliver system employed in these parts) that Ned uncovered the truth about Joffrey’s illegitimate right to the throne. Robert Baratheon is not his father, rather Jamie Lannister is! Making his mother Cersei his aunt-momma and Jamie his uncle-daddy, and we’re all puking in out mouths a bit. With this news, Stannis readies his troops to claim his title by birthright, according to rule of succession.

However, he may have a major roadblock on his own team in the seductive fire priestess, Melisandre. See, she worships neither the Old or New Gods, but some crazy other god, R’hllor. Now, I’m all for religious tolerance, but she has Stannis burning effigies of the Seven New Gods and pulling out a flaming sword. Then she dubs him Lord of the Light and his advisors are worrying that this chick may be the death of him. She’s Lady Macbeth with dark sorcery.

So his main man, Ser Davos Seaworth agrees with Maester Cressen that it might be time to pull the guy aside and tell him that this girl has changed him. But like most buddies, they don’t wanna piss off their pal. So Maester Cressen says, Hey, what if I just poison her? That will end this whole mess and we go back to how things were. Ehh, it ends up a failed suicide mission. Evidently, piety has granted the priestess imperviousness to poison. He bleeds out from his nose and perishes, and she stares into soul knowingly. And that’s the end of that mutiny! Her over-the-top line, “The night is dark and full of terrors, old man. But the fire burns them all away,” is spoken which such malice (The first part, “Night…terrors” is repeated by others throughout the episode) it frightened me to my core. She’s ruthless like Daenerys without needing sexual empowerment, and, well, all evil. Love it, and can’t wait to see what kind of mess she stirs up for Stannis during his conquest.

Robb Stark’s camp

We learn some important bullet points from our visit to the Northern bannermens’ campsite. Robb Stark, though he doesn’t fully trust the men he’s leading into battle, has won their loyalty and three consecutive battles. He taunts Jamie Lannister with this, saying, “It’s better than three defeats,” and leaves his humungous direwolf to play with him. He also makes his intentions clear to a Lannister cousin who will relay his terms to the enemy. 1. His sisters will be released into his custody. 2. The bones of his father will be returned to him and buried in the crypt below Winterfell along with the bodies of all who died in service to him. 3. The North shall be a free and independent country. If any of these terms are violated, “the South shall be littered with Lannister dead.”

Robb, whose propensity for leadership would surely make his dad proud (Oh Ned! You were so honorable, but so stupid! Sorry, I’m still mourning), has a couple alliances as options. Theon Greyjoy, ward of the Starks suggests aligning with his house, the Greyjoys since they have the naval fleet take take King’s Landing. This plan does not go over well with Robb’s mother and widow, Catelyn Stark who remembers their treason, though Robb points out that now they’re the rebels. Robb instead commands she butter up Renly Baratheon (the youngest brother of Robert) so that they might join forces. I’m itching to see Robb in battle after learning of his accomplishments, but for now this military strategy and politicking is tiding me over. All hail The King of the North!

Back to King’s Landing…

Oh boy. Well, Tyrion has brought his whore, Shae to the capital and she’s umm…enjoying the smells? I don’t know, she’s a peculiar prostitute. And the conniving Petyr Baelish almost talks himself into an execution when he mocks Cersei’s incestual relationship after she insulted his upbringing. Petyr had sniped that “Knowledge is power,” but with the City Watch under her command she strongly disagrees that “Power is Power.” She spares Baelish and assigns him to finding the escaped Arya Stark. But even her power has its limits. Her supplanting bites her in the ass a bit when she slaps Joffrey for insinuating that his father (well who he thinks is his father, Robert) slept around because she couldn’t satisfy him.

Afterwards, Joffrey reminds her that the transgression is normally punishable by death, putting Mom in her place. Then his rage boils over and he commands the systematic slaying of all his (supposed) father’s bastard children. Though off-screen, the gruesome rampage comes to a head when a whaling baby is sliced. It’s the sort of scene that may be “too-far” and it doesn’t help that it happens in a whore house surrounded by naked women, but this sort of brutality is the nature of the world. And though it’s fantasy, the rawness of it is just the sort of no-limits, dark perspective that sells right now. And I admit, I’m buying it.

Despite, as you can tell, an abundance of exposition the intrigue’s overwhelming. The episode ends on the image of the last remaining Baratheon bastard, Gendry, hitching a ride to the Night’s Watch where he’s been recruited. Tagging along is King’s Landing’s Most Wanted: Arya Stark, disguised as a boy, Ary, with the help of Night’s Watch recruiter, Yoren. It’s not a twist for those of us who saw season one’s finale, but we were spoiled last year with some awesome, climactic cappers. So while blood was shed, the blood of innocent children, I was left wanting just a bit more to grasp for next week, but damn if I’m not excited by the direction we’re headed. Whether it’s more of Peter Dinklage’s dangerous wit, expansion of the new characters, or some all-out, armor-clanging warfare, I know it’s gonna be epic.

For exploring every corner of Westeros and leading GoT fans into the “The War of Five Kings” chomping at the bit, I dub thee, season premiere, an A-. But just like the cutthroat games played in their realm, in my reviews…”You win or you die.”

LOS ANGELES — Here we are at E3, a magazine from Boston. And from Boston, there are some amazing developers of video games.

The biggest local question: Can Harmonix keep it going with Dance Central 2, or have we seen the end of the music video game?

Four local game makers had big news to unveil at the show so far this year, including Irrational Games, of Quincy; Turbine Inc., of Needham, Quick Hit Inc., of Foxborough and of course Cambridge’s own Harmonix Music Systems Inc.

Harmonix has the most riding on the expo. The music game maker is on troubled waters. In February, Harmonix, which created the Guitar Hero and Rock Band franchises, announced nearly 40 layoffs amid slumping sales figures that spurred parent company Viacom/MTV Games to unload it in a firesale.

At E3 this year, Harmonix showed off the sequel to its latest project, Dance Central, an Xbox 360 exclusive title that was one of the first games built on Microsoft’s Kinect motion capture technology.

Dance Central 2 continues the trend of completely controller-free, full-body motion capture which has made Kinect different than Nintendo’s Wii and Sony’s Move technologies.

The sequel adds real-time multiplayer, allowing two people to bust their moves at the same time. And if you get tired, another friend can jump right in mid-song without penalty.

“We just wanted to get people dancing together,” said Kasson Crooker, senior producer at Harmonix. “The game really shows off Kinect really well. Whenever people talk about Kinect, they talk about our game.”

Dance Central was developed parallel to Kinect, and released around the same time.

“Harmonix adapted and embraced Microsoft’s Kinect peripheral, making Dance Central the system’s first killer app,” said Will Tuttle, a video game industry expert and editor in chief at GameSpy.com. “While this week’s announcement of multiplayer dancing in Dance Central 2 wasn’t earth shattering, you can bet that fans of the first game will snatch it up.”

Dance Central 2 will include more than 40 songs, including music from Rihanna, B.o.B, Usher, Nicki Minaj, and Far East Movement. AL CQ

Harmonix introduced Dance Central here at E3 last year. The game was a success when it launched, selling about 2.5 million copies so far, Crooker said.

Tuttle thinks the company will come out of this year successfully.

“No matter what they do next, I think Harmonix has shown that they know music games far better than any developer in the game industry,” he said. “More importantly, the musicians themselves now respect Harmonix enough to work closely with them, ensuring a finished product that is more polished than competing games.”

But a change was obvious for Harmonix at the show this year. In years past, the company was a larger-than-life presence at E3. In 2009, during the Beatles Rock Band hype, the company erected mock concert stages and had one of the largest booths at the show. Last year’s was 100,000 square feet, with Dance Central. Harmonix had dance floors created to show off the game. This year, Harmonix, under new ownership, was relegated to sharing space with five other Kinect games inside Microsoft’s booth.

The problem for Harmonix has been the plateauing and quickly declining popularity of music games. Sales problems resulted in conflict with Harmonix parent company Viacom/MTV Games, which put Harmonix on the block. In December, Harmonix was bought by New York investment firm Columbus Nova LLC for $50 in cash and the assumption of $100 million in liabilities.

Elsewhere around the Bay State’s presence in LA, tiny Quick Hit actually busted out of the gate first, with the announcement Monday that it would be essentially bought out by Majesco Entertainment Co., of New Jersey.

Quick Hit produces a free online football strategy game which received a coveted NFL license last year.

Majesco paid about $800,000 for nearly all of the company’s assets and will hire all of its employees, including CEO and founder Jeffrey Anderson who will join Majesco as its Senior Vice President of Social Games.

The move makes sense for Majesco, as the company is focused on casual and social gaming and is trying to make a big move into sports this year. Majesco also announced Monday that it would develop an NBA licensed basketball game that uses casual elements combined with motion capture technology. That game is due out next spring.

Irrational, the Quincy-based arm of 2K Games, is the studio behind the Bioshock video game franchise. It did not exhibit at E3 last year, but this year it showed off a new game and hinted at a second new title in the works.

At a Sony press event Monday, Ken Levine, Irrational’s creative director, announced that the PlayStation 3 version of its upcoming Bioshock Infinite game would be compatible with PlayStation Move for motion capture. Levine also said that he had a “pet project” in the works – a Bioshock game for Sony’s new PlayStation Vita handheld system. He did not give the project a name or release any other details on the game.

The barebones announcement still set off fuses of excitement in the gaming community.

“That’s all we know. But like, isn’t that enough to pique your interest? It’s enough for us,” blogged Justin McElroy, the reviews editor at Joystiq, who was covering the Sony event.

Another consistent local success story at E3 is Turbine. After being purchased by Warner last year and taking its popular online role playing game The Lord of the Rings Online from a subscription model to a free play model, Turbine now runs the number 3 and 4 online RPGs in the world, in Lord of the Rings and Dungeons and Dragons Online.

At E3 this year, Turbine announced the Rise of Isengard expansion pack, which adds three new regions for players to explore as well as expanding the leveling-up ability to 75, and adding a 24-player cooperative mode as players explore and save Middle Earth. (more on that later this week)

Also at E3, Immerz Inc., with an office in Cambridge, showed off a new and improved version of its KOR-fx device, which places an audio peripheral on the user’s chest, allowing them to actually feel what’s going on in a game or a movie. The company sees applications for the device in movie theaters, theme parks, and now with video games. Inventor Shahriar Afshar CQ announced yesterday the company’s first partnership for a video game built with KOR-fx technology, High Flyer Death Defyer, upcoming from Game Mechanic Studios, which also makes the Resistance franchise on the PlayStation.

The newly designed version of the KOR-fx was a brilliant move. Immerz waited until the product was ready in order to set a release date. Blast checked out this product at E3 last year, and it just wasn’t ready for shelves. There were too many wires, and it felt like you were being hooked up to some kind of polygraph by the time you turned on your movie or video game. The new version can be used wired (with fewer wires) or wireless, so that it does not get in your way. It was a smart move that will help the product when it launches this fall, especially in its near $200 price point.

SAN DIEGO — When the name Sean Astin comes up, most people associate the actor with his roles in "Lord of the Rings" and "The Goonies" where he plays both leader and loyal friend. What may come as a surprise is Astin’s current project in Disney’s "Special Agent Oso."

Not well-known for his voice-over work, the veteran actor leads the children’s series as Special Agent Oso. The series celebrates the classic spy genre, centering on an adorable stuffed panda bear that works for U.N.I.Q.U.E (United Network for Investigating Quite Usual Events). Special Agent Oso helps children problem solve matters from raising awareness about the environment to personal safety.

This series has since become a success and ranked No. 1 in its timeslot after its debut in April 2009, beating its competition by 12 percent among kids 2-5.

Blast Magazine talked with Astin about "Special Agent Oso," and its upcoming second season, which premieres Saturday July 10 at 8 a.m.

BLAST MAGAZINE: Special Agent Oso is a wonderful children’s show, how did you come across this project?

SEAN ASTIN: They offered it to me. I was doing a show in London and I got this package. Before I even read the cover letter there was this big fat color illustration of Oso (laughs). I was like "Oh yeah, that is me." In fact, the first show I did was over the phone from this studio in London and I was patched through. So I did the pilot episode before ever meeting the creator. It was pretty cool. I think they just knew from my other movies that I was Oso.

BLAST: Most people are not familiar with your voice-over work as much as your live action films. What’s the process been like for you? And how is it different than working on a live set?

SA: We’re into the second season and we’ve all developed the sort of friendships you would on a live-action show. We pretty much all work it out together, and the guys Ford (Riley), and Jamie (Mitchell), who I like to affectionately refer to as "the other side of the glass," are there so it’s like a radio play you put together.

BLAST: What does your family, especially your kids, think of the show? And hearing your voice as such an adorable character?

SA: They were incredibly excited when the first season premiered. They saw that Dad, the guy who hangs around the house all the time, does something. They got comfortable with it, you know? Their friends all knew that their dad was the voice, and that was cool for them. I would come in once and a while and read for them. Everybody wanted me to do the Oso voice and that kind of stuff, so that was really cool. Recently they just got to meet the Oso walk around — which is this life size cuddly Oso that walks around (and meets people). Something happened I don’t know, but they came home and were glued to the television. They were like, "we met this guy, and he’s awesome. We’re on the inside track now. We love Oso." I think my four year old who will be five in the coming weeks is the perfect target and demographic for us. She latched on to it the most. Recently the title song was nominated for an Emmy in Best Original Song, which we’re very proud of, and my oldest (daughter) knows all the lyrics.

BLAST: The visuals and design for the show is done wonderfully. It easily gains a child’s attention. There are a lot of fun elements to "Special Agent Oso."

SA: ("Special Agent Oso") is bright and colorful. The voices are up-toned, it’s very pleasing. The gadgets are all fun and the kids seem to know the spy universe pretty well. The way they do the discoveries and (set up) the organizational skills themselves are fun. (For example) Oso will come down from his helicopter to help solve a problem, but then he’ll make a mistake. So you’ll have these little kids teaching him, and showing him how to do it correctly.

BLAST: This doesn’t just make it engaging for the kids but for the adults as well.

SA: I think that’s because when you’re teaching a kid how to do something, like a puzzle, repetition is important. I think most parents are like me, you want to be deliberate and explain everything to them. You can tell when you’re losing them. They’re not really focused anymore; they’re bored with what you’re saying. Oso breaks things down with his "paw pilot" this little PDA he’s got (on the show) into these basic steps. You’re going to do this, then that, and (so forth). Then you’re going to know how to do it. As a parent watching my kid connect with that is pretty cool.

BLAST: And that’s the thing that’s great with this show, it also takes on subjects which generally are harder to perhaps conceptualize for a younger crowd.

SA: They really do this year. They push the envelope with that as far as I’m concerned. I saw the scripts come through and thought, "Wow we’re going to tackle this?" And one is about the importance of telling the truth. A little girl breaks a vase, her grandma’s vase, and their dog is around. She has to decide what to do: Is it important to tell grandma the truth? Or blame it on the dog? And when she learns it is important to tell the truth, she has to learn how to apologize about it. Modeling the importance of apologizing is so critical. And another one that’s big this season is about what to do if you get lost; cutting right to the core of issues for little kids. In terms of themes, there’s this big push within the administration and around the country about physical fitness. So (the show) made a concerted effort this year to put an element of physical fitness in there: playing catch, miniature golf, how to ride your scooter, and how to play football. I like that element in being part of this animated show, you’re contributing to people’s health and not just entertaining.

BLAST: You’re going to have some special guest appearances this season like Mel Brooks. How does it feel having them involved?

SA: It’s validation. You do an animated show for the Disney Channel, and you look at your peers like Jenna Elfman or Rita Morena and you sort of go, "So they probably have kids or nieces and nephews who watch the show. " These are people who like the Disney Channel and are cool enough to go out of their way to be in an episode or two. So it’s a validation to what we’ve been doing these past years.

BLAST: Your films, especially earlier the works, has been a big part of some people’s childhoods. How does it feel knowing the work you’re doing now is a part of your own children’s childhood?

SA: I’ll tell you how, they’re making toys! I brought home from work the other day the new Oso car set, and you would have thought I brought the Hope Diamond. Everyone in the house just gravitated to it!
I know there is "The Goonies" toy, and "The Lord of the Rings" toys. So you talk about going into the popular culture and finding a place in people’s hearts. But when it comes right down to it, I’m another toy (laughs).
___

Toy or not, Sean Astin certainly has an aptitude for embodying memorable characters for generations of kids, and "Special Agent Oso" is no exception.

"Special Agent Oso" premieres Saturday July 10th (8:00-8:30 A.M. ET/PT), and continues with new episodes at the same time every Saturday from July to August.

I know “Lord of the Rings” fans can be a passionate bunch, so I’m sure all of you Gandalf lovers will be excited to know that Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment has revealed screenshots and a trailer for their new, upcoming action/RPG The Lord of the Rings: War in the North.

The Lord of the Rings: War in the North evolves the action/RPG genre through innovative online, interdependent co-op play for up to three players, who form their own Fellowship and engage in brutal combat. Gamers must play together or perish as they explore previously unexplored lands, story elements, and characters, as well as elements from the films. Players will be able to engage in character customization and development, expansive co-op gameplay options, and upgradeable weapons, skills and special abilities.

The Lord of the Rings: War in the North should be released sometime in early 2011. For more info, and to peep the official trailer, check out: www.warinthenorth.com

Warner Brothers Interactive Entertainment recently announced the latest LOTR title, “Lord Of The Rings: War In The North” for consoles and PC.

War In The North

The fantasy role-playing-game will descend at an unknown date in 2011 and is currently being described as an action-RPG that supports up to four-player co-operative gameplay.

Snowblind Studios, the team behind “Champions of Norrath” and “Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance,” are handling the development duties for War In The North, so at least a more than capable studio is hard at work on the title.

When Electronic Arts handed the LOTR rights to Warner Brothers I was immediately skeptical. But this news might just be what LOTR fans have been looking for.

Electronic Arts dropped the Lord of the Rings series last year after dismal sales and critical review scores of
“Conquest” and family-friendly Warner Brothers picked it up.

What did WB do with the franchise? They made a game called “Lord of the Rings: Aragorn’s Quest.”

It’s a stylized adaptation of the storied book and movie series and follows the life, trials, and action surrounding Aragorn.

And this is what it looks like in action.

The other day, I was talking on AIM to a dashing man who may or may not determine the writing assignments here for Blast, and my calling him “dashing” is in no way an attempt to curry favor.‚  Anyway, the subject of RPGs came up, and since it is my favorite genre, I had plenty to say.‚  The query posed was a seemingly simple one: What were my 10 favorite RPGs, any system, from any time?

I actually found it pretty hard to limit myself, and eventually spit out about 15 different ones. ‚ The subject is so complex and the games so great (in my mind) that I could probably do a post on each game on my list.‚  I mean, just yesterday Marc did an entire post on Final Fantasy VII, which definitely makes my list of best RPGs and probably my Top Five of all-time.

Therefore, in an attempt to edit myself prematurely, I’m going to focus on the inverse today “" The five WORST role-playing games I’ve played.‚  (Note that I did qualify the preceding statement with “I’ve played” so fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, most of the SaGa and Tales games are safe.)‚  I did not include old NES games that were meant primarily as action-adventure games with some role-playing elements (so you’re safe, Deadly Towers and Hydlide) or games that weren’t “officially” released in the United States (Final Fantasy 2j or Earthbound Zero, although that’s a decent game anyway).‚  The list, in no particular order:

I just loved when Frodo killed wolves in the book.

- The Lord of the Rings: Volume 1, SNES.‚  Much like Peter Jackson’s trilogy stands as the definitive work that the bad, 1980s animated films pale against, so goes the SNES version vs. the modern games.‚  The action-adventure-RPG fails in every aspect.

Released by Interplay in 1994, The Lord of the Rings’ programmers somehow decided that Tolkien’s original work, which is admittedly dry in some spots, would be better if it was simplified.‚  Unfortunately, their judgment was pretty piss-poor in terms of what they chose to remove.‚  For example, gone is Bilbo’s somewhat terrifying reluctance to part with the ring at the start of the tale, and in its place is a simple sentence about how “it’s hard to give up.”‚  Sigh.

Stealing a page from the book of the Angry Video Game Nerd (NSFW), remember how awesome it was when Frodo fought a shitload of wolves in the Shire?‚  Oh, you don’t remember how awesome it is because that never happened?‚  Yeah, me either.‚  But like the video game version of Back to the Future, which has you dodging bees and garbage cans and plate glass windows, Lord of the Rings SNES has little to do with its literary or film counterparts.‚  As the full name implies, it covers the first third of the trilogy, but because of dismal sales, I imagine the other installments were never made.

I could overlook this aspect, except that the rest of the game is a steaming pile as well.‚  You only control Frodo, but all of the other characters of the fellowship join you.‚  How can that be?‚  Well, while you walk around, they’re given free reign.‚  Unlike, say, Secret of Mana, there is nothing stopping Gimli and Legolas from wandering off-screen and getting killed by a goblin or troll.‚  And this will happen constantly, because the AI is ridiculous.‚  You can hold the L-button to “control” your other characters, but this prevents Frodo from walking, and it controls all of them at once.‚  This is an issue when you have as many as eight or nine people in your party.

By the way, death is permanent in The Lord of the Rings.‚  In the words of Ivan Drago, if Pippin dies, then he dies.‚  There is no way to revive him.‚  Combine this with the idiotic AI, and it’s impossible to make it through the entire game with all of the fellowship intact without some serious luck.

There are plenty of other “fail” aspects to The Lord of the Rings.‚  Even though it is a SNES game and thus a cartridge, there are long pauses when switching areas and accessing the menu.‚  You can’t chose who equips what; if you acquire a new piece of equipment, the most “important” character (in the order of Aragorn, Frodo, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Pippin and Merry, roughly) inherits it.‚  All of the character sprites are tiny, and it would be impossible to tell the hobbits apart, except that they wear different colors.‚  You do a bunch of crap “" exploring caves near the Shire and Bree for stones to open up the way in the Mines of Moria “" that isn’t in the book or the movies.‚  Even if you let everyone else die, Frodo and/or Aragorn can easily power their way through the computer’s also stupid AI.‚  The last battle is against the Balrog, but you can kill it if Gandalf dies.

There are two reasons to play The Lord of the Rings.‚  One, the sound is pretty good.‚  And two, Tom Bombadil is still the man.‚  He is the only character who doesn’t lose a god damn thing from book to game.‚  He still is a merry fellow, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow; none have ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master, and his songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

- Beyond the Beyond, PSX.‚  According to Wikipedia, this game now has attained a sort of cult following, although I don’t know why.‚  It bears the distinction of being the first RPG released for the PSX, but this doesn’t excuse its inferior quality.‚  The game is actually OK in the graphics and sound department, as it looks like it belongs in Sega’s Shining series.

Unfortunately, this is where the similarities end.‚  The gameplay is plodding, with the double whammy of a high encounter rate and long, meandering dungeons.‚  Enemy magicians are especially overpowering, as group-effecting spells can wipe you out in a single round.‚  Your own magicians aren’t as lucky, because there isn’t a ton of MP to go around, and you often have to save it up for healing and fighting boss characters.‚  Nothing comes easy, and all of these gameplay and battle system issues have nothing to do with its debut status.

Also, as I mentioned in my review of Black Sigil last week (yay for self-pimping!), one of Beyond the Beyond’s major characters is cursed for a good portion of the game.‚  It is as if you have a confused character in your party the entire time. There is a one-in-three chance that he attacks, freezes up or takes damage each time he does something.‚  The whole “cursed” thing is the insult-to-injury, pointy stick rammed into the eye socket aspect of Beyond the Beyond that pushes it from below average to cringeworthy.

This skull randomly tells you things in The Black Gate. It is cheesier than you imagine.

- The SNES Ultima games.‚  Yeah, I’m just doing a group entry for them, but if I have to mention one, let’s go with The Black Gate, the seventh installment.‚  It features a top-down, three-fourths perspective that makes me somewhat sick to my stomach while playing.‚  The font used by the game doesn’t help matters either, as its slightly-cursive tint, small size and prodigious length makes it hard to read.‚  The other SNES Ultimas at least have a legible font, although they all seem to use the horrible perspective.

The Black Gate is the usual non-linear sort of game primarily featured in the Ultima series, but the dizzying perspective and better alternatives on the SNES “" like a decent port of Might and Magic III “" allow it to earn its place on this list.‚  Besides, being non-linear isn’t the problem, as Quest for the Avatar is an underrated gem for the NES, and very first, plain old Ultima is serviceable.

- Legend of Mana, PSX.‚  Here is the secret to beating Legend of Mana: Have a pulse.‚  If your lungs work, then you should be able to stream roll your way through the game.‚  Even if you are a corpse, or some sort of ethereal being that only has limited possession skills, you should still be able to handle it.

Basically, the only requirement to beating Legend of Mana is having a working thumb with which to press the attack button.‚  (In fact, by reading the preceding paragraph the game might have rewarded you with an extra level or two.)‚  It bears little in common with the great Secret of Mana, and nothing in common with the quirky, comical and underrated Secret of Evermore.

"And then I had to go allllll the way uphill to the market..."

- Lagoon, SNES.‚  If you’re wondering why there are so many SNES games between this list and the section below, it’s because the success of some legitimately great games “" Final Fantasy 2 and 3, Chrono Trigger, Soul Blazer, Illusion of Gaia, Dragon Quest 5 and 6 in Japan “" caused some developers to just dump mediocre games on the market.

The people behind 1991′s Lagoon probably noted (or bet on) the success A Link to the Past to propel their paltry title to some increased sales.‚  Lagoon is an adventure-RPG; Zelda with hit points and equipment, or a more RPG-ish version of the PSX and DS Castlevania games.‚  Like Beyond the Beyond, it was one of the first titles for console, but this doesn’t excuse its sins; Final Fantasy 2 came out in the same year and that’s still great.

No, Lagoon would still suck if it came out in 1791, although the villagers of Salem would get some sick enjoyment out of screaming “Witch!” at its strange, rectangular form before burning it atop a stack of actual witches.‚  Your character can only move in the four compass directions, which is a problem when you’re trying to dodge fireballs and other attacks from the game’s later bosses.

In addition to the lethargic movement, combat is hurt by the minuscule attack range of your character.‚  A swing from your sword has enough range to disturb some flies in your general area, and not much else.‚  The hit detection is generally poor, and makes Lagoon frustratingly hard.

As suggested by my picture selection, the dialogue is nothing to write home about either.‚  Most villagers will prattle on about any old thing.‚  And yes, your character is called Nasir.‚  Hot, I know.‚  The only names of major characters I like less in the various RPGs I’ve played are Ashley from Vagrant Story and Poo from Earthbound.‚  (Maybe that list can be next.‚  A man can dream…)

- Also at least considered, seriously or fleetingly, for this list: 7th Saga, Black Sigil: Blade of the Exiled, Brain Lord (since Enix somehow got that stateside instead of Dragon Warrior 5 or 6), Brandish, Breath of Fire 2 (the SNES version with the high encounter rate, minimal experience gains and low gold drops), Chrono Cross, Drakkhen, Final Fantasy (yes, seriously), Final Fantasy Legend 1 and 2, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, Final Fantasy X-2, Grandia Xtreme, Harvest Moon, The Legend of Dragoon, Lufia and the Fortress of Doom, Lufia: The Ruins of Lore, Magna Carta, Ogre Battle, Paladin’s Quest, Pinball Quest, Romancing SaGa 3, Shadow Hearts 3: From the New World, Spell Craft, the numerous bad Star Trek games, Suikoden IV, Uncharted Waters, Vagrant Story and Valkyrie Profile.

As you may know, Electronic Arts gave up the Lord of The Rings license and handed it over to Warner Brothers Interactive earlier this year.‚  The franchise reached an ugly end with LOTR: Conquest and it was time to move on.‚  But what about this new publisher and direction for a storied series that carries such heavy cultural weight?

In a filing from the ESA which unveiled games that would be given their “first look” to journalists at the upcoming E3 convention, Warner Brothers showed up with the expected LEGO Rock Band, but also The Lord of The Rings: Aragorn’s Quest, the publisher’s first foray into the franchise.

Sounds great right?‚  A game specifically oriented around the King, Aragorn, a unique and alluring take on a tired franchise. Oh but wait, in the product description WB reveals that this iteration was created specifically for kids and their families. Oh goodness.‚  WB has gone as far to set the game in a “friendly, colorful rendition of Middle Earth.”‚  Are we thinking of the same Middle Earth here?

A bit of saving grace that will quell the true LOTR fans’ hearts is that the title will still be centered around Aragorn and his quests from the trilogy by way of action, sword fighting, lancing, and archery.

Aragorn’s Quest is a game we have our sights zoomed all the way in on and will make sure to hit the WB booth hard at E3 next month.

Until then, what do you think?‚  Can a family oriented LOTR game work?