Emma (Jennifer Morrsion) hopes Henry (Jared Gilmore) recovers after her lack of faith leads to his hospitalization.

“It’s not the destination, it’s the journey,” or some variation of that cliche was drilled into me as a kid so that I would develop patience, and not be so results-oriented: “I want this, I want that,” and the like. And it’s useful, because when you embrace that value you’re less likely to be disappointed. Sure, if you invest mightily in a project you want to see it succeed, but if the process was rewarding in itself, then you won’t walk away like you’ve wasted your efforts.

As a viewer of “Once Upon A Time,” I cannot speak for all, but in my enjoyment of the breakneck speed conclusion, I wondered if the journey that led me to this satisfying destination was tainting it. Almost as if I had such a traumatic flight en route to a luxury resort on a tropical island that it soured me on the whole paradise thing. While I’m sure I could find a way to enjoy soaking up some rays and bathing in pristine waters, this finale wasn’t so mind-blowing that I’d forgotten how pissed I was on the way over. Last week, I talked about being that proverbial kid who always need to pee in the back seat, whining incessantly, “Are we there yet?” Now, I feel like the spoiled kid who got the Christmas present he wanted, but upon receiving it doesn’t want it as badly, Because I waited so long for it lost its allure. I saw the commercials every day after school and the desire for it became pathological. When Mom said I would get it for Christmas, I danced around for what seemed like forever and passed the time imagining what it would be like to call it my own. Then the day came and I wanted something else more.

That feeling of getting almost exactly what you wanted, but not being as thrilled with it as you’d imagined you would was my overwhelming emotion watching the conclusion to OUAT’s first season. The isolated fairybacks, whose relevance eluded us got connections that were more than tenuous at best, magic got context and concrete boundaries instead of fluid, willy-nilly usage and the emotional toll on the characters was palpable. Withholding these methods of engagement doesn’t seem fruitful to me, especially when you need to convince your viewers that 22 episodes are a worthy investment. I understand the storytelling advantages inherent in character by character flashbacks, but for me the real world arc was dragging its heels so that its development would sync up that of the Fairy Tale Land. But Storybrooke is the aftermath, the fallout from these FTL events. Being beholden to those fairybacks serves no narrative purpose.

The “Lost” formula was successful for a reason, but the application of it was sloppy. Yes, an episode of “Lost” would focus primarily on one character through flashbacks and they would become more fleshed out in the current timeline as a result, but the world didn’t stop so that we could get to know them. For example, in the Grumpy episode, what did we glean from having Grumpy crush on a nun and sell candles? Yeah, nothing. That contributed zero to the direction of the arc. And while the relevance of certain threads like The Mad Hatter’s and Belle’s were given heft in the finale, many other detours remained a distraction, the part of the magician’s trick where they subtly get you to draw your focus away so that you’ll miss the manipulation. Shoehorning a “see wasn’t that worth it, kids?” into one pretty thrilling day trip, does not make this television show a worthwhile “vacation.” To me, it’s a case of lazy parents who are putting off presents until the holiday so they don’t have to deal with it now. And they hope that by making it special, the excruciating wait will be forgotten. Sorry, I remember the bumpy ride to Disneyworld or the painfully drawn out months that preceded the most wonderful time of the year.

Let’s get down to logistics. there was a lot to be delighted about. And while promises are not always kept on this show, we end on a note that would suggest OUAT won’t just be meandering in The Infinite Forest in its follow-up season. In the FTL, we begin where we left off, with Snow White poisoned and Charming trapped. While being escorted to his execution, Charming busts out his apparent military training as he totally owns the Evil Queen’s guards. However, as he turns down the hall a guard points his bow and arrow at him, and another guard boxes him in. Awaiting an arrow in the chest, the guard fires and hits his own man instead. Why did the guard help him? Well, because that guard is the Huntsman a.k.a Sheriff Graham. I got nervous they were bringing him back from the dead as some ploy, but then I remembered that in FTL you have the luxury of living after your heart is ripped out of you and crushed in someone’s hands.

Emma rushes Henry to the hospital and Dr. Whale asks her how this happened. She now does believe in Henry so she screams that he ate a poisoned apple turnover! Emma’s insistence was kind of hilarious, because for once she gets to feel how ridiculous it is to explain this to a non-believer. As the kid goes comatose, she touches his book and she’s flooded with memories of the FTL. It feels cheap. I understand that belief is powerful, and the point is that her son being in immortal danger is and should be a galvanizing force, but seeing “magic” as a catalyst again brings out the groans in me. Regina flurries in and Emma goes ape. She shoves Regina in a supply closet and throws her around. Well, it’s about damn time! I know it makes sense that Emma would only get some fight in her now that she believes, but Regina could have used some roughing up a while ago. Regina admits that it’s all true and that it was poisoned to make Emma fall asleep. The brief moment where we see Regina’s desperation to keep her son is touching, but most emotional moments are breezed through and not given time to ferment because, as I said, the answers are shoehorned in and it’s a mad dash to revelations. Regina says they must consult the only other person in Storybrooke who knows magic. Emma guesses Gold, but then Regina delivers the laugher line: “Actually, he goes by Rumpelstiltskin.”

Lost in the forest, Charming bumps into Rumpy who enchants his mother’s ring to help find Snow. On one condition. He must insert a potion, carefully encased in a golden egg, into “the belly of the beast…for a rainy day” (hehe). The potion, of course, is that true love potion I was excited about. Eeerily enough, the potion was made from strands of Charming and Snow’s hair. We also get a gem of a line about what Rumpelstiltskin knows of true love (obviously referring to Belle): “It was a brief flicker of light amidst a notion of darkness. Badass.

Continuing with the overt parallelism, in the following real world scene, Gold tells Emma about the nature of the curse, and the reason why she is the anointed savior, the safety valve. He put one drop of true love’s potion onto the parchment of the curse, meaning that she, the product of true love, is the one glimmer of hope in all that misery. See, that’s cool. I like that. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a sucker for true love, but it also follows through on what I have been asking for, some guidelines for how magic can be used, instead of being deployed when it’s convenient. We get the punchline too for the “rainy day” joke when Emma replies, “Well it’s stormy as a bitch, where is it?” Gold smiles with that Rumpy, mischievous grin and gives Emma her father’s sword.

We get another Spark Notes version of emotion when both Regina and Emma say their potential goodbyes to Henry. There’s some good acting, they just aren’t afforded time to linger with the severity of the situation. Like when Regina’s goodbye is abruptly cut off by Jefferson creeping in the shadows, waiting for his deal to be honored where he doesn’t remember his old life. But their deal is null and void since Emma is still awake. Jefferson doesn’t take this loophole well and seems to have the face of a schemer.

Emma stalls a bit to visit August with an obligatory, “You were right!” He can’t open the door though because at this point, he’s mostly wood (giggity) and as his face, the last remnant of humanity turns, he tells Emma that he has the faith she can save them all. Emma then meets Regina at the post office where she has a secret lair (surprise, surprise) with an elevator that will take her to Maleficent. We all know it’s gonna be a dragon, but they’re coy about it like it will be some big reveal. But anyone with a working knowledge of fairy tales knew that was coming, right? Anyway, Emma assures her majesty that the only reason she’s not dead is she needs her help. But if Henry dies, she does too. See, Emma with some bite is awesome, more please!

Our double duty dragon battles ensue, with father and daughter trying to accomplish opposite goals. While the CGI dragon was impressive, it was depressing to see how horrible the green screen scenery was. All the effort put in to those sword fights and gorgeous fire-breathers, and it’s downplayed by a really artificial looking castle. At any rate, having both battles at the same time felt like overkill, like I was in an anteroom waiting for the real action to start, but it looked damn good. And we get a couple standout moments from Emma’s bout: she pulls out her gun because she is clumsy with a sword; and she chucks the sword at the dragon as the prince did in the Disney film.

Charming finds Snow with his GPS ring and then asks for her hand. It was a nice touch for Goodwin to say, “What do you think?” playing off the knowledge that we obviously knew where this was headed. Egg in hand, Emma gets stalled in the elevator and screams up to Regina only for Gold to answer. He says to throw up the egg before she climbs up. Boneheaded move. Once up there, she sees that Gold gagged Regina, and that upon catching the egg, Gold ran off. It’s then when Regina and Emma both receive messages. Henry’s dead. Now, fair warning. This is horrible. But did anyone else HOPE he stayed dead. I’m not a proponent of child murder per say, BUT man would that add some urgency or what, huh? I’m sorry. I’m a terrible person and should be ashamed. I will let the record show though, that losing Jared Gilmore as a child actor would not be the worst thing. There’s a reason he didn’t stick around on “Mad Men.”

While Henry was going into cardiac arrest, Jefferson uses the chaos to slip downstairs to the mental institution wing. As revenge against Regina, he frees Belle and tells her to go seek out Mr. Gold and tell him that Regina locked her up. Why he couldn’t escort her, I don’t know. Late for tea, maybe? Yeah, I suck. So, when Gold opens the egg at his shop and Belle strolls in, he’s astonished. If there was one sentiment that sang in this episode it was that reunion. Emile de Ravin and Robert Carlyle killed it. Even if we got only one episode of them together, I thought their reuniting was more triumphant than even Snow and Charming’s, and we follow them along their treacherous journey all season.

As Emma stares shocked at Henry’s lifeless body, we can hear her exasperated breaths. She’s torn up, knowing that her lack of faith, not necessarily in fairy tales but in her son, was to blame is a heavy burden. But she pours her love into an “I love you,” and a kiss on his forehead and true love’s kiss radiates throughout Storybrooke, jolting Henry awake and reigniting the memories in all the former fairy tale characters’ heads. Again, seeing Belle remember how she loved Rumpy beats out even David turning around from leaving Storybrooke to hold Mary/Snow in his arms again. On the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone also remembers how they hate Regina, and while she would love to stay and be grateful Henry’s alive, she ducks out ready for a mob and cries into Henry’s pillow instead. That sounds a bit stalkerish though when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? Hm.

Despite having love reintroduced into his life, Rumpy hasn’t abandoned his lust for power. He leads Belle to the magical well we were introduced to in “What Happened to Frederick.” This was the well with water that can bring back what you’ve lost. Now we also have the nugget in our minds that Rumpelstiltskin told the prince he’s invested in true love, especially the powerful concoction Charming and Snow have, because of what its magic creates. With that veiled threat in my mind we see Rumpy pour the contents of true love’s vial into the well and a billowy, purple smoke blasts through town. I was intrigued that Henry knew it was bad right away. I mean, as we know from “Lost,” smoke of any color is bad, but considering that the return of magic was what the kid wanted, it’s curious how the idea of magic in the real world is so frightening. As Rumpy manically informs his new/old beauty, “Magic is power,” but couldn’t that power be acquired by the good guys? I suppose it’s interesting too because the other Sunday show I review, “Game of Thrones,” is also dealing with the perils of magic in its second season, so maybe this is an admirable direction for reinvigorating this series.

Regardless, the realization of their past while remaining in the real world is almost exactly what I was calling for. I didn’t want this to be adventure time in FTL, and I’m glad Kitsis/Horowitz got the memo. Now that the characters know, there’s more opportunity to seize their own destiny instead of being servile prisoners of the EQ. And the devilish grin upon her face when the smoke tumbled through suggested to me that Henry’s dalliance with death hasn’t softened her. I’ve already addressed my quibbles ad nauseum, but now props must go out to the writers for lurching ahead with this runaway train instead of trying desperately to slow it down. It’s reassuring to know—although still infuriating to a degree that it wasn’t apparent earlier— that there was a finite plan and trajectory.

The callbacks were pleasant, and at points even fun and sweet. Because we wandered aimlessly so much, I didn’t realize how much I cared about Belle, but on a practical level to have less space and time wasted was refreshing. Still, there needs to be a concerted effort to pace the season just like this episode. Obviously, don’t show your hand, but making us aware of what’s important wouldn’t hurt. It’s not a spoiler to say, for example, that Emma is the drop of true love Rumpy put into the curse as a safety valve. That’s more informative than just “she’s the savior.” In a fantasy world, we need structure and rules just as necessarily as we do in the real world. Because like our fairy tale counterparts in Storybrooke, we’re only human, so let’s respect that and not pretend we’re don’t need things like love to stay alive.

Raphael Sbarge, an accomplished actor of over four decades, sat down with Blast to talk "Once Upon A Time."

Raphael Sbarge, who plays Dr. Archie Hopper/Jiminy Cricket on ABC’s “Once Upon A Time,” recently took the time to answer of my questions. He delved into his character, reflected on the season, and spoke about the show’s improbable success in its first year.

BLAST: First, your career spans many recognizable titles in TV and film. You had a role on The Guardian as well as several parts on notable shows like Dexter, Heroes, 24, Prison Break, and the list goes on. No doubt you’ve had a prolific career and have been sought after for many parts. What in particular drew you to the role of Dr. Archie Hopper a.k.a Jiminy Cricket?

RS: Thank you for your kinds words.  Yes, I have been blessed with a career that had many wonderful opportunities.  Needless to say, there are hills and valleys in any actor’s journey, and one never knows what is coming next, and so you learn, as a matter of survival, to finesse the twists and turns that are inevitable. As far as Once Upon a Time is concerned, my feeling from the moment I read the script was that it was something special.  My concern (on the page) was that it was wildly ambitious, and could never be pulled off.  I mean, how on earth could they create two distinct worlds— and one a fantasy world, in a regular 8 day shooting schedule (the standard amount of time for a network show?)  Clearly they have exceeded expectations on all counts.  I shudder to think how this idea would have been done in lesser hands.

BLAST: Now, funny enough, I started reviewing Once Upon A Time for Blast a few episodes into the season and the first review I did was of your spotlight episode, “That Still Small Voice.” Tell me what it was like to delve into this fresh back-story for the Jiminy Cricket character and what may have surprised or intrigued about the somewhat dark direction the show took with his beginnings and transformation from man to cricket.

RS: When I first heard that it was “coming”( from our creators, Eddie Kitsis, and Adam Horowitz)  I got very excited.  When I finally got to read it, I was really moved by the story they had created— it made me weep, actually.  Jiminy’s story is not a happy one.  His “conscience” was born out of some terrible stuff, which, in my humble opinion, gives it some depth (and doesn’t make him a “know-it-all.”)   Once I got past the teary stage, then I got to the “Holy-Cow!” stage, meaning, this is a big bite, and one that will make a lasting impression.  There are moments, and this was one of them, when the “Hey, I’m portraying an icon and I hope I’m up to the challenge” gave me more than a few sleepless nights.   I was very happy with how it turned out, and been greeted with folks saying, “Wow!  I didn’t know that was Jiminy Cricket’s back story.”  Of course they made it up, but I consider this a huge compliment to their ingenuity.

BLAST: A follow-up to my last question about “That Still Small Voice,” your real-world arc in that episode surrounds Archie’s relationship with Henry. Will that doctor-patient relationship play a role as Emma seeks custody of her son?

RS: As I write this, I believe that you will have seen a scene with Emma and I that addresses that, yes [In last week's "An Apple Red As Blood].   There is clearly a struggle, a battle for Henry and for who knows best.  Adam and Eddie have set up a huge power play between two powerful women— both seemingly with Henry’s well being in mind, but with different methods, it seems.  Henry too, has emerging ideas about who he wants to spend time with.  Clearly we have not seen the end of this.  Archie, as the man in the middle, will have a lot to discuss.  Won’t it be interesting if the Mayor comes to the therapy room, too?

BLAST: A couple weeks ago in “The Return,” Dr. Hopper had his first pivotal scene since Jiminy Cricket’s “fairyback” (my term for the fairy tale flashbacks) where Archie has a mini-therapy session with Mr. Gold. This exchange fascinated me and a lot of fans because it gave Gold a vulnerability we hadn’t yet seen. How did you approach that scene and do you think Gold will return to Dr. Hopper for further therapy?

RS: I love that term, “fairyback!”  You may have coined something!  Ha!  Yes!  We got tremendous response to that scene— I LOVE Robert Carlyle, and was a huge fan of his even before I got to be on a show with him( and now that I get to watch him every week, my appreciation has only grown!)    We had a blast together, and I do hope we have many more opportunities to explore some of the themes that got initiated in that episode.

BLAST: ”The Stranger” was one of my favorite episodes of the season, and you as the voice of Jiminy Cricket played a significant role. Can you tell our readers a little more about how you feel your character played a vital part in Geppetto and Pinocchio’s story (on the show)?

RS: I loved this episode too (but I have so many favorites now, its hard to pick one out, personally).  Tony Amendola who plays Gepetto, quite by coincidence, is an old friend of mine.  We have known each other for 25 years, and done more plays together than I can count.  He is such a wonderful actor, and I was incredibly proud of him.  I loved too, the last moment in the episode when August/ Pinocchio says to his father, “I want to fix things.” Killed me.   I was there doing off camera Jiminy work for the scene at the enchanted tree, when Gepetto and Jiminy have a tiff— and was so pleased that we got to revisit the painful past between these two.  There is a lot to mine, in that relationship I think.  And, needless to say, the episode was just wonderful!

BLAST: Can you speculate at all about how Archie/Jiminy Cricket will factor in next season? If you can’t speculate, what would you like to see for Archie/Jiminy in successive seasons?

RS: Well, I am in the dark as much as you are, frankly ( the story lines to future episodes are a very closely guarded secret, especially for next year).  But that said, I will be interested to see if we get a chance to explore Archie’s love life and or his life in the town outside of his time in the office.  As well, I would love to see more time with Mr. Gold, or Emma, or the Mayor in the therapy room.  Based on the finale, I would say there is a lot of job security ahead for a therapist in Storybrooke.

BLAST: Do you approach your character as separate entities (Archie Hopper AND Jiminy Cricket) that you play differently (distinct voices, personalities, demeanors), or do consider them as one person at two places in time that happens embody a human and cricket form?

RS: This is a very interesting question.  They are, I believe, as you suggest, the same person, in two places at once.  One has a broader view of things, and one is locked in time.  And there is indeed a different voice that Jiminy has.  But, they are both bound by a conscience, born of some hard knocks, and a desire to help others find their way.

BLAST: Obviously, doing the voice of a CGI cricket is a lot different from playing a human therapist. What can you tell us about filming the Jiminy scenes and how involved you are in the process?

RS: It is a fascinating experience.  Completely different from any other I have ever had on a set.  I mean, to be an actor in the scene, playing it full out, but to always be off camera is very unusual.  The actors in the scene, ON camera have been very thankful that I am there to do it (and not a script supervisor, reading lines from way off set, as is the norm).  It has given me, as well, a chance to find him amidst the action, and not just on a dark sound stage by myself.  I have done a lot of voice over work in other mediums (in video games, and commercial work), and it is a particular skill.  But, this is unique in my four decades as an actor.

BLAST: As a Lost fan, I have great respect for Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis. I often talk in my reviews about the similarities the shows share. Kitsis and Horowitz use flashbacks in both to add depth to characters, and I talk about the theme of faith vs. reason—a continuous thread in Lost and something Emma is struggling with mightily on Once Upon A Time. What is it like to work with those two (Kitsis and Horowitz) and what elements of Lost do you think they’ve carried over to this show?)

RS: Wow. Big question.  You elucidate the theme quite beautifully. I would say simply, that it is a marvel to work with them. They have created a very, very complex world, with distinct rules, and clear structure (very hard to do).  I don’t know if I can speak to how Lost themes or elements have carried over, but I can say that I am constantly surprised how they are able to surprise me.  I mean, I watch television.  I work in television.  More often then not, I can anticipate where the story is headed, who the killer is, or where it might be headed.  With this show, I never know where they are going next, and this seems to be one of the things that fans are so excited about (amongst others, of course).  What they have done is create a world of characters that are both good and evil, but complex, and multidimensional.With the Evil Queen or Rumplestilskin, we see evil deeds, with devastating consequences, but we also get to see the cost, the pain, the horror of their interior life, that gives us compassion for them, even as we love to hate them.
This is no easy task— and to do it week after week, I am as I say, slack jawed at how they can balance so many stories at once. I feel at times like a squealing fan, and when people tell me ( as they often do), “I’m totally addicted to your show.”  I say, “I know!  Me, too!”

BLAST: To be honest, it seemed improbable this series would last. It’s such a high-concept show that asks a lot of its audience in terms of patience and trust that it will all become clear soon. Though it helps that the source material includes familiar and timeless tales like Snow White and Pinocchio. But against formidable odds, it has a huge following and is the most watched new drama. Are you surprised at all by the show’s success?

RS:  I am 100 percent surprised by the success.  Not as any disparagement to any of us.  But, just because the odds of any new show finding its audience is slim to none— let alone to be dubbed the “most watched new drama.”  Just as I was writing these answers to you,  I just got an email from Adam and Eddie saying it was official, we are picked up for next year (thrilling to hear!).   Based on the honor of Most Watched, we all felt pretty confident, but needless to say, after years of doing this job, it makes you very humble and grateful for those rare moments when something comes together and works.  This is one of those rare moments.

BLAST: here’s some incredible acting on this show (yourself included, obviously ha-ha). Who have you most enjoyed working with?

RS: I feel like I am on an All-Star team, and every time I come to the set, the level of  commitment and pride that we all share is very evident.  In fact, it is shared by every department— camera, props, costumes— even the guy who watches our cars in the parking lot told me how proud he was to be on this crew!   We all feel like we are on something very special.

BLAST: Overall, what have you considered most rewarding about working on Once Upon A Time and playing Archie/Jiminy?

RS: As actors, we are innately story tellers.  We are, of course, completely reliant on the world that is created by the writers, and the elements that they craft for us.  What is most rewarding?  The absolutely breathtaking stories that we get to tell, every week.  I am so incredibly grateful.

BLAST: For our readers, what should fans know before going into the finale? Will their minds be blown? Can fans look forward to more answers (like the many provided in “The Stranger”) or will more questions arise?

RS: I can’t tell you. But, even if I could, wouldn’t you rather find out yourself?  So much more fun to unwrap you own Christmas present, isn’t it?  :)  What I will say is this, prepare for a big finish!

BLAST: Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Sbarge. It’s been a pleasure and an honor to speak with you and I wish you (and Archie/Jiminy) all the best. I hope I get to speak with you in the future regarding Once Upon A Time and possibly any other roles you take on.

RS: And, thank you for these great questions!

The Evil Queen (Lana Parilla) teases Charming (Josh Dallas) by showing him her secret weapon: a poisoned apple.

Emma doesn’t seem so stubborn to me now. I’m having just as much trouble believing this whole curse thing and I’ve known from the beginning it’s “real.”

At this point, I thought all the rules had been established. There’s no magic in this world, Emma’s the only one who can break the curse and no one but Emma can leave Storybrooke. Well, it turns out we weren’t given all the facts. Apparently, Emma, the one person who could break this spell, the one person who has a chance of “bringing back the happy endings” as Henry so nauseatingly put it, cannot be killed by Regina. Why? Well, because that would break the curse. Wait, run that by me again? The Queen was so distraught about Snow White’s “happy ending” that she enacted a curse that would have a GIGANTIC loophole? Or, the curse is virtually indestructible as long as people don’t act predictably. Let me explain.

Here’s how this looks, from afar. The queen can hardly do anything to stop Emma, or she can do anything except kill Emma. My whole Faith vs. Reason argument has some teeth now. The only thing stopping Emma from saving everyone, and inversely the glue that keep Regina’s curse airtight is faith. As Regina’s dream forewarned (shot in the cheesiest, most cliche manner imaginable, and so goddamn obvious), the danger isn’t that Emma has the magic to reverse the curse, it’s the idea that she could rile everyone up to turn on her. As Mr. Gold surmises, “They will be looking for blood.” If Emma suddenly believes Regina is the Evil Queen and that Henry’s beloved book is true, then she is that magnetic figure who could conjure up a good ol’ fashioned mob. But of course Regina can’t eliminate this rabble-rouser that could make the whole town call for her death. Why? Because Rumpelstiltskin said so. Um, okay. Then why would she agree to that?

On the flip side, even if Emma turns a corner and starts to trust her son and believe that fairy tales are possible, all our vile EQ has to do is not kill Emma and evade death herself. And here’s where my whole “religious allegory” theory gets interesting. The only way Emma can ensure her friends live to see their happy endings is to sacrifice herself. If she can provoke Regina to kill her, that is. She would be the savior in the most Biblical sense, because she absolved the sins of these non-believers so that they could be happy again. Or, it becomes the most boring game of chicken EVER. “You’re not gonna kill me! I bet you won’t!” But then there’s the matter of, will Emma killing Regina effectively end the curse, anyway? And one question for Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin. If you want the curse to be broken now, because your son isn’t in Storybrooke like you’d hoped, or whatever your motivation is this week, why don’t you just…reverse it? I mean for god’s sake, it’s your freaking curse! Wouldn’t you know how it works?

Our problem here is MAGIC. Magic as a solution to a problem is lazy and a great way to obliterate the tension in drama. Most great conflict is derived from choice. The easy way or the hard way. Good or evil. Life and death. But when the safety valve of magic is present, there’s always a way out. And I suspect that next week, with the astronomical success this show has had, Emma won’t be saving the day and reversing the curse. Then what would the show be? Fairy Tale Adventure Hour. No thanks. What I’m guessing happens is that some version of the reset button is pressed. Like the Joker and Batman (but not nearly as compelling or twisted) they will “do this dance forever.”

And does anyone else find it odd that Emma’s supposed to save everyone, but none of us know what that means? Yes, it would mean ending the curse, but is it simply a matter of “waking everyone up” like Desmond did on “LOST?” Once Emma gets wise, what does she do with that knowledge? That’s why my sacrificial lamb theory seems to be the only plausible solution. If it’s true, that’s a hell of a twist on happily ever after, but it would feel like a hell of a waste. Some felt that way about “LOST,” and for some that’s justifiable, but this has been way too frustrating of a ride to endure for some spiritual, metaphorical payoff. I wouldn’t mind if OUAT was like an acid trip, some out of body experience that won’t become clear until I’ve come back down to earth. But this show feels like less of a hallucinogenic high and more like someone giving me poor directions. Yeah, yeah. It’s the journey not the destination. Well on this journey the kids keep needing to stop to pee and screaming, “Are we there yet?!”

And that’s my masterful little segue into the actual car trip that starts the episode. After Regina’s “in case you didn’t know Regina was anxious about death” dream that spoon-fed us Regina’s current mental state, we pick up inside Emma’s car where she plans to take Henry far away from his wretched mother. Heart’s in the right place, but oh my could that backfire. Henry, for once, is the voice of reason. Well, his “reasons” involve saving everybody, but he knows his bio-mom is solving her problems by running and he jerks the wheel, veering them off the road. They aren’t hurt, but Emma gets the message and turns around.

Mary Margaret is rightfully pissed off that Emma would have left without saying goodbye to her “family.” She specifically calls Emma out for reverting, which I’m glad someone mentioned since I was fascinated by last week’s regression. Emma realizes she has to figure out what’s best for Henry so she does coffee with Dr. Hopper. He doesn’t definitively say that Henry’s better off with Emma versus Regina—I’m guessing his reluctance isn’t entirely genuine since he used this exact scenario as leverage for his job against Regina earlier in the season—but he’s certain this war of theirs can only be harmful to the kid’s psyche (especially since he already thinks I’m Jiminy Cricket and you’re….Jesus I guess).

After being rejected by Gold (ain’t no magic powerful enough to get me to help you win babe), Regina seeks her own magical ace in the hole to tip the scales. She enlists The Mad Hatter. I’ll give points to the writers for a creative way to summon him—a calling card attached to his daughter’s bicycle. Of course he watches her even though she doesn’t know who he is. Her request is that he use his hat, which she has been kept from him (for obvious reasons like extortion), to travel back to Fairy Tale Land to retrieve something for her. What does he get in return? His memory wiped. He’ll have no recollection of the daughter he lost. Again, I’m a sucker for psychology so this request of his intrigued me. When we get a glimpse into how much of a rouse their “happiness” was in the FTL, I’m mystified. When we’re back to broad battles of good vs. evil, curses with conditions, and fairy warfare (more on that next) they lose me.

Our fairyback this week consists of a failed rescue mission and the quintessential Snow White tale of the apple. Last we saw, Prince James had been captured by his adoptive father, King George. For his treason—refusing to marry King Midas’ daughter—he’ll be guillotined. But as the blade drops it turns to water. The EQ herself storms in and buys Charming off the king’s hands. She is using him as bait to lure Snow White. So there’s strike one against the rescue. I knew the whole time she’d fail! If she wanted Snow to come and get him, why would she make it so easy? Come on, people. Think with your brain. Strike two against the rescue mission, terrible castle CGI. Though I love seeing cute girls kick butt, whether it’s Ginnifer Goodwin or Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers (SO GOOD btw), I’m sold. But the castle backdrop was a laughingstock. And strike three? Fairies. Dear Lord, the fairies. When the whole dwarves yielding pickaxes and Snow White going MMA on the royal guards is negated by pretty fairies in a flying V dropping glitter bombs, it just robs a fight sequence of its cool factor INSTANTLY.

Once Snow arrives at the cell and discovers that Granny’s Admiral Ackbar impression was right (for those who don’t get the reference watch Star Wars for crying out loud, but the line is “It’s a trap!”), the Evil Queen interrupts their cross-magic mirror reunion with the most unnecessary line the show may have ever used, “I had to stop you. I have no interest in cleaning tongue marks off my mirror.” Ew, Regina. Why’d you have to go and get all nasty. Their love is pure. Why you gotta dirty it up like that? So EQ makes things awkward and then defines what a parlay is (who hasn’t seen at least ONE pirate movie) and they agree to meet where “it all began,” which is ominous before the commercial break speak for “where you saw me and my stable boy kissing.”

At their meeting, Regina guilts Snow about how she was the worst child ever because she couldn’t keep a goddamn secret. She shows her Daniel’s grave, blames her for her mother ripping out his heart (again, I think her beef is with mom) and tells her she can pay penance if she eats her poison apple. Skeptical, (because, well, it sounds like it might kill her), Snow asks why should she? Regina replies, because I’ll kill your boyfriend if you don’t. Damn, she’s sneaky! So Snow willingly eats the apple and turns into “a tomb to house all her regrets.” So, wannabe Shakespeare talk for “she’s in a coma.” This sets us up for the pilot where Charming kisses her awake (DISCLAIMER: This does not work on most coma patients).

Conveniently, when Mad Hatter opens the portal to retrieve the famed apple—which was so painfully telegraphed when he said, “Maybe I can reach through and grab something. But it has to be small enough to fit in my hand.” HAHAHA—it’s just been chewed on by Snow and has rolled downhill into the magical sinkhole they made. It was a nice touch that the magical catalyst they needed was the ring her stable boy proposed to her with, I must say. Then Regina bakes it into an apple turnover that she gives to Emma after they agree on a rough custody agreement. This leads into what I thought was the best scene because despite Henry’s atrocious overacting, it was the most grounded in reality. Emma tells Henry that she is leaving Storybrooke, but that she’ll visit and the kid is devastated. No matter the reason, separating a kid from love is just cruel and it got to me. Then Henry eyes the turnover and makes a desperate move for his mama. He bites into it to prove the curse is real and he drops to the floor. If Emma still has trouble buying into the book now, I think she’s swimming DEEP in denial river.

This final twist was sure to make many a viewer gasp, and I agree with it as an apt way to appeal to Emma’s issues with believing, whether in herself or in something she can’t figure out—after all she’s an expert in lie detection. Still, the mechanics that got us here are shoddy. The boundaries under which magic manifests in this world are a permeable membrane that allows in any deus ex machine it pleases. When a fleet of fairy bombers can take out a couple dozen knights, it’s no longer magical. Doubt and disbelief are what make those moments where we see the beyond all the more enchanting.When wicked curses start resembling contracts, it’s clear they’ve lost sight of why we love fairy tales. It’s about beating the odds, not rigging the game.

P.S. “Once Upon A Time,” I know it’s a season finale preview, but the “Requiem for a Dream” theme music was a little much. You already take this whole fairy tale, cross-dimesion epic too seriously, no need for more theatrics.

Geppetto (Tony Amendola) cradles his son, Pinocchio, after he's transformed from a puppet into a real boy.

Emma is the only thing standing in the way of happily ever after. All she has to do is believe in love, in magic, and in herself, and all that was lost will be returned. So August should be able to provide that faith, right? I mean, he’s clearly a charmer with a rad bike and a way with words. Why wouldn’t she become inspired to take on the Evil Queen, save her son, and by breaking the curse, reassemble a once thriving land? Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. And while some fans are surely screaming at their screens in frustration, this hitch in the plan is the best twist Kitsis/Horowitz have provided so far.

I know I’ve sounded like a broken record, or the boy who cried “LOST,” but the resemblance is uncanny after last night’s episode. Faith vs. Reason was the central conflict that guided the contentious relationship between LOST’s main two protagonists, Jack and Locke. That same dichotomy has been tapped into here. Except the battle between philosophies is an internal struggle for Emma. What if like LOST, this show isn’t about the answers. Maybe it’s less about the happily ever after and more about the question, what is happiness? Emma denies her destiny as August pleads for her to see what’s right in front of her. He’s proven to her that her whole life has led to this moment where she can save everyone from misery. And admirably, the writers stick to their character’s guns and say, “Well that’s too much of a burden, I don’t want that.”

So the question then becomes, how will they be saved if not by the savior? God damn, it’s got the same religious overtones LOST did too! LOST SPOILER ALERT! Lost ends with all of the Flight 815ers exiting a church into a blinding light that represents the after life. Could the trajectory of OUAT lead to the resurrection of the chosen one? I don’t think the parallels are arbitrary, either. The connection goes deeper than just shared writers. There’s LOST references and allusions in nearly every episode, and this was no exception. When August mentions the day the clocks start moving again, the day he started having shooting pains in his leg, what time was it? 8:15 A.M. Flight 815, people? And when August (a.k.a Pinocchio, which I’ll get back to) falls out of the tree into a new world without magic, a plane flies overhead. Coincidence? Even if the writers are screwing with us or just paying homage, the legacy of that show looms large here as the emphasis seems to be steering towards questions and not answers.

But it wasn’t only my empty wishes for a LOST reincarnation that made this easily one of the top three episodes of the series, but a fairyback that reminded me why this technique can be so effective. When the writers use the familiarity with the tales to their advantage it often allows them some creative space to beef up these characters. August and Geppetto owned this episode with their emotionally resonant reunion as well as the ways in which their selfishness altered the future irrevocably.

We’re transported to the tail-end of Pinocchio’s legend where he and Geppetto are evading the monstrous whale. Pinocchio pleads with Geppetto to use their life saver to save himself. He’ll be fine since he’s wooden and can float. The scene incorporates the best CGI I’ve seen on this show, and I can only speculate that the viewership has something to do with that. The quality was cinematic and it’s timed with the recent declaration of the Nielsen ratings—OUAT is the most watched new drama.Washed up on shore, Geppetto sees an unconscious Pinocchio and cries for his revival. The Blue Fairy descends upon them and grants his wish by turning Pinocchio into a real boy. The only condition of his boyhood is to always be brave, truthful and unselfish. These terms create a underlying tension in the real world since this must be involved in August’s sickness.

In the real world, Emma’s on a mission for Henry. She decides she’ll hire Gold as her attorney and assures Mary Margaret that she’s ready for motherly responsibilities. August, after installing a medieval lock on their door to keep out Regina, implores Emma to see the bigger picture, to have faith that he can help her get her kid back. Her response: “My kid needs me, I don’t have time for faith,” is a preview of her breakdown at episode’s end. Realizing his influence on her is weak, August meets with Gold, asking him to deny her counsel so that she’ll run to him. When Gold laughs at the idea he can be trusted, we’re reminded of Pinocchio’s propensity to bend the truth. For me, this was an instance where OUAT proved it can do subtle with its parallel worlds.

Fast forward to the end of the FTL, when the Blue Fairy requests Geppetto build a wardrobe out of the last enchanted tree to house a pregnant Snow White and her husband, Charming. The child, as the prophecy goes, will restore the magical realm. But Geppetto afraid for his boy’s safety, bargains to have Pinocchio take the second spot in the tree. Jiminy tries to talk him out of this foolishness, the child should not be without its parents. Geppetto nastily refers to the cricket’s horrid beginnings by saying he will help him like he helped his parents—a callback to “That Still Small Voice” where we learn that Jiminy’s parents killed Geppetto’s parents for their belongings. The Blue Fairy grants his wish anyway, and allows Pinocchio to take Charming’s place.

August whisks Emma away on his hog out of Storybrooke to tell his story. Is the reason they aren’t hurt because they were protected by the enchanted tree? Anyway, he brings her to a diner that causes Emma anxiety. The reason why is that’s where she was found as a baby. August then drops the bomb that the seven year-old boy who discovered her was him! Unconvinced, he uses details that weren’t reported by the papers like the blanket she had with her name monogrammed on it. Then he tells her how they arrived in this world through their tree portal and that her fate’s to save them all. Thinking he’s got some screws loose, Emma starts to walk away when August falls to the ground in searing pain. He explains that his sickness is actually him returning to his old wooden form. It’s punishment for not being there when Emma first settled in Storybrooke. August had lost his way and was tempted by Phuket—the real world equivalent of Pleasure Island (and the place where Jack ran away to in “Lost.” Seriously, I can keep going). Now he’s paying the steep price for not being the guardian she needed.

Pinocchio ends up being appointed Emma’s guardian because Snow does not go with her newborn in the tree. Due to a premature birth, Pinocchio and Geppetto are told he must give up his spot so that mother and child will be together. Geppetto obviously, disobeys. He instead makes Pinocchio promise to be the child’s protector. Jiminy warns of the temptations he’ll face (Thai prostitutes, it’s gotta be) in this new world without magic, but as long as he’s brave, truthful, and unselfish he’ll be fine. But as we know, August eventually abandons his charge when his overbearing and unloving foster parents give him reason to ditch. It’s a cheap excuse, but no matter the cause it wasn’t smart to entrust a seven year-old with a baby’s care, so it was inevitable.

Emma’s reluctance persists when August shows Emma his wooden leg and her ignorance is so powerful that it distorts what she sees, a real human leg. She doesn’t want to save everyone, she doesn’t want that responsibility, and Jennifer Morrison sells me on her psychology here that she’s looked out for herself for so long that she isn’t ready to be a savior. The only person she is willing to rescue is her boy right now. Therefore after her confrontation with August, she makes the rash decision to walkie-talkie Henry and ask if he wants to escape Regina. The boy says “More than anything” and she peels off, ready to run from all the madness of this town and to deny her destiny. On some level, I wonder if she does believe, but is too afraid to fail.

This complexity has eluded Emma in the past because we thought she had no backbone. Turns out she has the capacity to be the hero they’ve been waiting for (but didn’t know it) and she’s just too insecure and dependent on reason for her survival. This direction for Emma and the series is excellent. I’m not sure how long it can sustain itself, however knowing the once inevitable return to glory may be thwarted not by evil but by good standing by is a refreshing take on what I was beginning to suspect was a stale, but fun series. Now it has the legs to become something thrilling, yet layered with sophistication to contemplate. Can happiness be found in Storybrooke if the savior never comes to take them to FTL/Heaven?

I even appreciated the sidebar this week as Regina is killed with kindness. When she comes to school to sour Mary Margaret’s return, her wickedness is rejected by Mary Margaret’s forgiveness. Ginnifer Goodwin delivers these chilly lines like only she could, sweetly yet viciously: “Your life must be so incredibly sad that you only experience joy from ruining others’ happiness.” Damn Mary Margaert, that’s way too cold. You can tell that the words follow Regina, hitting hard enough that she seeks the affection of Mary Margaret’s former lover, David.

Her engine won’t start so David offers her a lift and she insists he stay for dinner. After David devours his lasagna he delivers his second groaner line in two weeks, “You really know how to work some magic.” That much cheese is just unhealthy. Regina then recounts the day she found David. I noticed the parallels between how both August and Regina failed to make strong connections with “how I found you” stories. I’m not sure they relate, but maybe it has to with the fact that both Emma and David need to find themselves, their true idenities, and on some level they reject others thinking they know them? Well, Regina misreads David’s graciousness as a green light and he denies her advance when she leans in for a kiss. My impression is it wasn’t just a way to get back at Mary Margaret and that she is devastatingly lonely. When she throws the wine glass at the mirror it’s a tip off. It must remind her that the one person who adored her (her “mirror” Sidney Glass) is behind bars, and nobody else out there loves her. She needs David, even if it’s just his pity, but she may have squandered that by asking for too much.

“The Stranger” ends on a hopeful note when my thesis that the series may take the route of “finding happiness without happily ever after” gets an affirmation. August stumbles upon his dad’s clock shop and lends him some pointers. Geppetto says August’s father must be proud and August wonders if that’s true with all the mistakes he’s made along the way. Geppetto delivers the icing on the cake, “You realize your mistake and try to fix it. If I had a son that would be enough for me.” Brimming with pride and overwhelmed by his father’s indirect forgiveness, August volunteers to be Marco’s (Geppetto’s alter ego) assistant. He accepts and its such a moving moment. August has for all intents and purposes failed his father, but the man accepts him without knowing him, unconditionally. That’s not fake or manufactured, that’s real, and a byproduct of a wonderful fairyback that didn’t need to justify itself with forced parallels. It belonged by being what this show is at its core, a romanticizing of human relationships and the magic comes from them.

It was imperfect, but it accomplished everything you would hope an episode of OUAT would. It was innocent, fun, mesmerizing, inspiring, while still making us fearful that good may not win this time. Henry has faith, Emma has reason not to, and in the final two episodes OUAT asks us, what about you?

August's (Eion Bailey) identity is shrouded in fog as he searches for some magic in Storybrooke.

Three weeks ago now, “The Stable Boy” billed itself as the big reveal. It was going to answer the supposedly essential question of why the hell the Evil Queen hated Snow White so damn much. I thought the episode had its redeeming qualities—the girl who played Young Snow White, Bailee Madison, was a dead wringer for a younger Ginnifer Goodwin for one—but I was unsatisfied with the answer, which was just a variation of the usual conflict in Fairy Tale Land: lost love.

However, after seeing tonight’s episode I appreciate the brunt approach of that episode even more. Though creatively the backstory was stale, at least that question isn’t being dangled before me anymore. “The Return” is the perfect name for this episode because it took all the momentum back to where we started. In the real world, more questions heaped on the existing ones and virtually everything returned to the status quo. Thought the appearance of not-dead Kathryn would mean Emma’s one step closer to exposing Regina? Nope. Lovesick puppy Sidney Glass fabricates a confession that absolves Regina of any suspicion. Thought you might find out who exactly August is? Well, for a while that looked like a sure thing, then the rug was pulled out from under us. Oh, and were you wondering what would motivate Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin to play for both teams (No, not like he’s bisexual. Like he’s helped both Emma and Regina sabotage one another)? That just gets all fogged up. And remember when Emma promised she was finally gonna start playing dirty to take down Regina? Well, she does that again. Except this time she explicitly mentions that she’ll take back her son. All right! Some finite goals, that’s progress, right?

Truthfully, it’s starting to feel like this whole season has been one long pre-game warmup for this last stretch of episodes. Most fairybacks have involved characters with little-to-no importance concerning the big picture: Red Riding Hood, Belle (will she ever be released from the basement of the hospital?), Cinderella, Mad Hatter, Grumpy and the list goes on and on. While some of these offbeat episodes have been engaging, the fairybacks I have been most drawn to are the ones that have impacted the main players. If it hasn’t revolved around Rumpelstiltskin, Snow White, Charming or Regina, it’s difficult to get invested because I hardly know them in another context. And ironically, because so much airtime has been occupied by ancillary characters, I feel like I don’t know as much about the stars as I should.

And if Kitsis/Horowitz should have learned one lesson from their time on LOST, it’s that the saving grace of a show with an intricate mythology, one that will create more questions each week than it resolves, is compelling characters. While I still get a kick out of the sardonic delivery of Jennifer Morrison, Emma is a nobody. She has trust issues, she’s good at detective work, and she’s grown to love her son, Henry. Did I miss anything? And while Mary Margaret and David may be the most multi-dimensional characters, they’re thrown into the same situations. Mary Margaret wants him in her life, then David messes up his chance. A repetitive ride could be thrilling, but there’s no sense of danger since we already know how this on-again/off-again relationship ends. Happily ever after does not get my heart racing.

While I feel harsh for beating up on OUAT like this, I wouldn’t be so hypersensitive if I didn’t think the ingredients for a heckuva show were here, especially when I don’t believe OUAT’s ambitions are similar to that of LOST. I could be wrong, but LOST was inherently a more avant-garde show. It employed religious allegories, time travel, and electromagnetism in an effort to create a dense universe that would say something about the very meaning of our insignificant lives. To me, OUAT is a recycling of old material, inherently less adventurous. But its source material is rich enough that you could create something entertaining and even enlightening if you wanted. But fun seems to be the target for his show. And I don’t want or need it to be more than that. Still, I feel like I’m being asked to forgive A LOT before I can just sit back and enjoy.

Now that the 700-word, I mean pound, gorilla is off my back, I’ll admit to being impressed with some of what transpired tonight even if upon reflection it felt empty. While watching I did a few double takes, and possibly even puddled a bit for Rumpelstiltskin. We began with August’s leg twitching something fierce, the pain seeming unrelenting. He joins his buddy Henry to get Operation: Cobra rolling. Although, August is slightly dishonest in that he uses Henry to tend to a personal matter. With Henry diverting Gold’s attention in the store, August scours the office. Gold finds him eventually and pretends to have gotten lost. Suspicious, Gold breaks into August’s room at the B+B and finds a drawing of the infamous dagger that had given him his dark powers as Rumpelstiltskin.

In the FTL, those dark powers are alarming Rumpy’s son Baelfire. While he used his influence to bring the Ogre Wars to a truce, he also become ruthless in protecting his son, turning one passerby into a snail just to crush him. Understandably, Baelfire wants to find a way to reverse this enchantment that has turned his dad into a malevolent force. Rumpy’s sure that the magic is irreversible. Only if he’s killed by the dagger will the power be transferred to another soul. Determined, “Bae” makes his dad promise that if he finds another way, he’ll oblige. Immediately, it was clear to me that this was the “one deal” he tells Regina about earlier in the episode, the only deal he’s ever broken.

Now weary of this stranger that Emma describes hilariously as “A typewriter wrapped in an enigma wrapped in stubble” (there were many moments actually where I thought the writers might have been mocking themselves or at least their stiffly rendered characters), Gold tails him. He follows him to Mother Superior. After threatening to double the rent on the nuns—I keep forgetting he’s like the Trump of Storybrooke—she tells him that August sought counsel. He’s come to town searching for his father, and may have found him. Emma, in an almost insultingly observed B-plot, confronts Sidney Glass about the bug he installed in her office. When she realizes that he’s loyal to her because he’s in love with her, she shrugs it off, “Fine. Whatever.” Emma really was the comic relief for my frustration with this hamster wheel of an episode.

Baelfire racks his brain for a cure and consults his friend, Morraine. She suggests a great force of good magic, The Blue Fairy. The boy summons the fairy and she says she cannot return his father to who he was, but she can send them to a place where dark magic has no power. She produces a magic bean that she says he and his papa must follow if Rumpy’s to be restored to his old self. This sets us up for a devastating scene, possibly the best of the episode, where Baelfire plants the bean and a green vortex appears. Baelfire begs for his father to join him, but his cowardice gets the best of him. He had originally sought this power so he could protect his son, but now he’s so consumed with maintaining that power, he’s lost sight of what matters. He lets go of his son’s hand and Baelfire’s sucked in, and the portal closes. His cries afterward where he regrets not joining his son really were gut-wreching and possibly the most genuine emotion shown by someone not named Ginnier Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison or Josh Dallas throughout the course of the show. Good on ya, Robert Carlyle.

After an appointment with Dr. Hopper (oh yeah, him), Gold gets up the nerve to confront the man he believes is his son. And I’ll admit, Eion Bailey had me fooled too. When he said, “I guess all the lying can stop…Papa” I thought it was a done deal. But to Bailey’s credit he played spurned little boy as a grown man quite convincingly. And I thought, YES, this is what I waiting for. Real juice, real crossover of the fairyback and real world events. Then Rumpelstiltskin dug up the dagger and handed it to August to prove he has changed, and all the emotionally resonant material was killed by August turning the dagger back on his “dad.” Dammit is right. August isn’t Baelfire after all. That’s next week apparently. Why must you tease me with a huge development and then yank it away! The only real news of note is August is dying, and he needed the dagger’s magic to heal him. But as Gold points out, magic doesn’t exist here. That was the condition of the curse, which, obviously, was made by Rumpy himself so he could find his son. So while I’m glad Rumpy has a solid motivation, it doesn’t explain why he’d want to serve as a double agent. How does that help him reunite with his son? Enigma wrapped in enigma.

On the sidelines we had another Mary/David “It’s Over” moment. Oh can’t those crazy kids just kiss and make up! There’s also the classic case of using dialogue to convey overt thematic ties. When Mary talks about something out there keeping them apart and David replies, “Like dark forces?” I audibly groaned. I guess it was a nice change of pace to have David supply the groaner instead of the EQ. It was just so inauthentic, it was unforgivable. And yet, the exchange was almost redeemed by Mary’s chilling comeback to David’s “But I love you.” She twisted the proverbial dagger with “And that’s what makes it so sad.” See, that was honest and real, not tailored to relay exposition and reiterate a message. Why can’t we have more like that?!” says the oft-burned critic in the corner.

Although Giancarlo Esposito’s pathetic admission as Sidney was a deadpan mumble delight, I couldn’t help but think well, Emma’s gonna get angry that she’s been thwarted once again and promise to go Sarah Palin-rogue on her ass and it won’t happen. And yet, the finale approaches. SOMETHING must happen. And while I can appreciate how networks operate, and the need for monumental finales, couldn’t Emma have grown a tad more aware, shown some savvy or gone off the hinges just a smidge so that we wouldn’t come to expect disappointment from the anointed “savior?” I mean, I bet there were the haters who thought Jesus was just some hotshot carpenter, but I bet even he wouldn’t have put up with Regina’s B.S for this long. Sorry for the sacrilege, I just hope that regardless of how she changes the game, it feels like the tectonic plates have shifted. I’ll confess to at least loving how she categorized Regina as setting the board so no one could win, and promising she would play an entirely different game. Even if it feels like a campaign pledge, it was rhetorical candy. If only this episode could have been sweet till the last morsel. Instead, I felt manipulated like I was Pinocchio (who I presumed August would be as I mentioned in the comments last time to Mystic), and I don’t want no strings on me. Maybe The Blue Fairy will grant my wish…

Barbara Hershey stars as the mother who turns her daughter, Regina (Lana Parilla), into a wicked queen.

Well, there you have it, folks. The question that OUAT has insisted you have been begging for an answer to “why does The Evil Queen (EQ) hate Snow White so gosh darn much?” has FINALLY been answered! Rumpelstiltskin be praised! And what gift of enlightenment have our overlord writers bestowed upon us meager humans?

*Clears throat*

EQ used to be a delightful girl Regina who loved to ride horses bareback, and her mother was less than encouraging of her choices in recreation because they weren’t bringing her any closer to snagging a rich, upper class husband. But the reason she hasn’t gotten married is she is in love with the stable boy. Likes riding bareback, indeed. Anyway, Regina (her name in Fairy Tale Land too, I guess) doesn’t trust her mom, Cora (Barbara Hershey, amping up her camp factor) will approve since marrying him would be a step down on the social ladder.

Cut to Regina riding her beloved horse through the hillside after a a secret rendezvous with Daniel, the horse poop-scooping hunk, and suddenly a horse whizzes past with a little girl holding onto the reins for dear life. Regina rescues the child and the girl thanks her repeatedly for saving her life. They exchange pleasantries and—BOOM!—it’s a young Snow White.

I’ll just leave that tantalizing bit of mindf**k dangling there. Meanwhile, in Storybrooke, we’re transported a week into the past where Gold feeds Regina the plan to frame Snow for Kathryn’s murder. The only tidbit that I found revelatory was that the goal is not incarceration. Since they can’t jail her in the modest cells at the Sheriff’s office, she would have to be transported to some correctional facility outside of Storybrooke. But anyone who leaves Storybrooke, croaks. Also, Gold planted that key, as insurance, so that if she tried to flee, it would yield the same result. I knew that Gold was involved and guessed he was the Machiavellian mind behind it all, but there had to have been a more eloquent way to dump that information without an abrupt flashback.

At any rate, Regina stops by for a visit to Mary Margaret’s cell, just to rub her face in her misery. I dug that Regina was showing her vengeful self in a more sinister way, because usually she’s just twirling her mustache throwing banana peels in front of Emma. Her taunting felt more human, more grounded in bitterness. Whether that cold worldview is justified by the fairyback is something I’ll debate strongly, but it was good to see Regina as less of a prankster of more of a heartless woman out to deprive others of the happiness that was ripped from her.

Alan Dale also makes an appearance as District Attorney Spencer (not sure how this is an appropriate alter ego to King George, but whatever) to conduct a pre-trial interview of Mary Margaret. He grills her about how angry she must have been when Kathryn slapped her in public, and Mary starts off calm, sure that she didn’t want Kathryn “gone.” After recounting the ways in which her reputation was ruined though, Mary cracks. It fell pretty short of the realism achieved in “Law and Order” interrogations, but that’s mostly OUAT operating out of its comfort zone.

Grateful that Snow was saved from being trampled by her own horse (one of the most undignified ways to die), King Leopold uses Regina’s heroism as an excuse to cure his loneliness and proposes to the unsuspecting young lady. This was one instance where I flat out refused to suspend disbelief. I sympathize with a father who wants his kid to grow up with a mom. Hell, I even can feel for a man who misses a woman’s touch. What man doesn’t, like, all the time. But he has NEVER seen her in his life, didn’t even buy her dinner first, and lets face it—all she did was what any decent human being would do! Maybe we wouldn’t have been as flashy about it, but if I saw a kid clinging to a wild horse I would certainly call the police. So because she’s decent, and available, she’s it! I can forgive fairy tale contrivances like magic or fate, or true love (well, because that’s real, duh), but not behavior that disregards all logic and reason. If Leopold were high off his ass, maybe. Otherwise, no. Obviously, the ladder-climbing mother accepts the proposal.

Immediately, Regina runs to Daniel, the wannabe Brokeback Mountain man, and implores that they run away together. Considering you can’t say no to King Leopold, and her mother would surely use her powers (Oh yeah, she can  shoot stuff from her hands too) to keep the arrangement intact. Then Daniel proposes himself and as they lock lips to seal their union, and Snow stumbles into the stable. Indignant about what she’s witnessed she makes a mad dash for the woods and eventually Regina catches up. She schools Snow on true love and the kid perks up at the idea of such a powerful magic and swears she will keep her secret.

Speaking of powerful magic, what kind of sorcery did the casting department use to find a kid who looks so remarkably like Ginnifer Goodwin? And it doesn’t stop at an uncanny likeness. She nails the mannerisms, the expressions, even her speech patterns. It’s as if she studied Goodwin for months in preparation. Gotta hand it to them, they either lucked out big time or, someone in casting needs a significant raise. Bravo to this impressive young actress, Bailey Madison!

Emma’s investigation hits a snag, and August swings by and sees that she’s “grasping at straws.” He then starts into an awfully pedantic, but surprisingly astute lecture. He likens her detective skills to his writing: “If you get stuck, go back and reread, you might find a nugget of inspiration in what you’ve already done.” Emma acknowledges his wisdom and decides that with her new perspective she should visit the scene of the crime. Lo and behold, at the hole where Red dug up Kathryn’s heart she finds a shard from a shovel and bets it’s Regina’s. With Henry as inside man—a stellar moment of comedy is when he uses his Operation: Cobra code words and Emma admits, “Uh, I left my codebook at home”—she matches the shard to the shovel, but in painfully predictable fashion, when she comes back with a search warrant (the parameters of which are clearly fabricated) the shovel is missing. Shocker! Emma suspects August, her accomplice, squealed and he’s rightfully offended, but I feel like most viewers, myself included, knew that there were eyes and ears somewhere that tipped Regina off.

Then after some pressure from Cora whining about how she and Regina have drifted apart, the inevitable occurs. Reasoning that Regina shouldn’t lose her mother like she did, Snow divulges the secret upon which Regina’s future wrath hinges upon. Just as Regina is about to ride off into the night with Daniel, the horse and lady whisperer, Cora storms into the stable ready to shut it down. Regina pleads and pleads for her to be a loving parent and put her happiness first. It sure seems like a futile effort to argue with someone who says things like, “After all the sacrifices I’ve made!” and “It’s not your life, it’s mine!” Still, the couple falls for her calm and suddenly supportive demeanor. And as she relaying advice to Daniel about parenthood, she goes all barbarian and rips his heart out, crushing it into sand. She won’t console her daughter either, ranting instead about how “love is weakness, but power endures.”

This cutthroat attitude carries over to Storybrooke where Regina relishes in victory making Mary Margaret beg for her freedom. As I’ve already mentioned, this is the real-world evil I was hoping for, wielding her influence to make her enemies whimper in submission. It was the first time that I was sort of excited by her shenanigans, though I wish she was actually more in control since Gold could easily make the whole apparatus crumble from under her with how much she has depended on him. The showstopping moment is when she wipes away Mary Margaret’s tears as she screams that she’s innocent and doesn’t deserve this. Regina’s comforting words? “Oh I know, but you do deserve this.” Damn, it’s chilly in here.

In the coda to EQ’s evolution, she’s being fitted for her wedding gown and Snow says she’ll look beautiful for Daniel. The lightbulb goes off, and she asks Snow if she told her mother. In rare villainous form, she hides her disdain and assures Snow she isn’t mad. Under her breath she snarls, “I should have let her die on that horse.” As vital as it is for EQ to turn her vengeance upon Snow, I wanted real reason to question the princess’ squeaky clean image. I mean, although it was “true love,” her real-world counterpart is a mistress. Let’s give Snow some imperfections! Instead, she’s duped by Cora into believing she can trust her with the information. She’s still an innocent and does not deserve this crusade to destroy her. Cora deserves that and more! But EQ’s motivations for not turning on her mother are never explained. I assume some FTL equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome where the victim sympathizes with the aggressor, but that wasn’t on screen and it should be if this is the impetus for, well, everything that has happened.

In the final scenes, my suspicions were confirmed. Sidney Glass hid a bug in a vase he delivered to the sheriff’s office, which I remember seemed random, but it was subtle enough that I did forget about it, so well played, OUAT. Completely out of the blue though was the reveal of an alive Kathryn appearing in the alley behind Granny’s! I guess that means no more trial, which means no more bogus attempts at a legal drama, and tons of possibilities concerning how Gold pulled it off. He has to be the one behind her reappearance, right? He mentioned he could still “perform some miracles” to Emma.While I have my apprehensions about another character being motivated to do evil in the name of lost love, there were moments where I found myself unwillingly sucked in.

By surprising me with elevations in Lana Parilla’s performance, promise in Eion Bailey’s turn as August, the mysterious writer, and catching me off guard with the final twist, OUAT was able to balance out the absurdity of the fairyback where motivations did not match the vicious tone. For talking me off the ledge with trickery, OUAT effectively creates what Cora suggests may be the “fading illusion” of true love possessing the magic necessary to bring the show back from the depths.

The Mad Hatter (Sebastian Stan) takes his daughter to market in an Alice in Wonderland-themed episode.

This week’s OUAT prompted me to do something it hasn’t often. Think, real hard. I pondered an idea that hadn’t even entered my realm of possibility since the first frames of the pilot. What if…Fairy Tale Land (FTL) doesn’t exist?

I understand it seems like a given, the whole premise of the show centers around The Curse that has imprisoned them in “our world,” but what if that world is just imagination? What if it’s just a memory of a time that never was? “Lost” has tested the boundaries of alternate timelines/dimensions and life and death before, why not now? Heck, what if Storybrooke isn’t real? What if that isn’t reality, meaning an external world outside sensory experience, and they’re trapped in an psychological illusion, a la “The Matrix?” OUAT has proven to be a much more “accessible” program than “Lost” was, but could Kitsis/Horowitz be secretly constructing another sci-fi mindf**k?

Probably not. But even if the show is influencing the mere consideration that’s a huge positive. Since the pilot set up the structure of the two universes—one in the past and one in the present, existing as two separate worlds (even that is shaky when you think about the existence of magic and remnants of FTL materializing in the real world)—that relationship has gone unquestioned and untested. Until last week, when FTL memories bled into real world factuality.

This week expedited that bleeding by introducing the Mad Hatter a.k.a Jefferson (Sebastian Stan). In Storybrooke, Jefferson is a lonely man in a mansion who knows about The Curse, and believes his only way back to FTL is through his magic hat (which normally serves as a portal to Wonderland). During his real world stay he hasn’t been able to make a hat that works. The magic is absent. But he believes the good sheriff, Emma, is his glimmer of hope. When she came to town, the clocks started working (I guess they hadn’t been for like, ever) and this was proof to Jefferson that she possessed magic and he’s had a telescope fixed on her office ever since. That’s a normal reaction, right?

So, when Emma goes out looking for escaped suspect Mary Margaret, he walks along the road waiting to stage an accident. He’s not one of those freeloaders trying to get a settlement, he wants to earn the sympathy of Sheriff Emma and a ride home so he can drug and kidnap her. And well, that’s basically what happens. And surprise, surprise: Mary Margaret is there too, all tied up and stuff! It is worth noting though, that after Emma has been subdued by the sleepy tea (tea’s his thing, remember) she wakes up bound and gagged, but escapes from her restraints wicked easily. It was kinda badass. She uses her mouth to move a pillow to the floor, stomps on it so a tea cup falls off the coffee table, then uses the jagged edge to cut herself free. Where has resourceful Emma been all this time? Now I’m much more sold on her leading a police force if she can evade capture so well.

Over in FTL, it’s a hard knock life for a retired Mad Hatter who is also named Jefferson (more shattering of boundaries!). He’s a poor fellow who struggles to provide for his daughter, Grace, and she’s his whole world. So when the the Evil Queen (EQ) comes knocking, asking him for a favor that requires his special talents, he’s tempted. EQ could ensure that Grace never want for anything, but he decides abandoning Grace would be more detrimental than their current financial woes. Still in need of his skills, EQ (whose fairyback look was absolutely boobtastic this week) manipulates him by disguising as an old woman selling a stuffed rabbit at the marketplace. Grace thinks it would be a perfect addition to her dinner party (HA!) but Dad’s short. The cruel, masquerading queen doesn’t allow him to haggle and denies the girl her toy. This inspires the change of heart within Jefferson to help out EQ—just this once—in order to better his daughter’s life.

At the manor, cunning Jefferson intercepts the ladies as they escape, holding them at gunpoint. He forces Emma to tie up Mary Margaret again. He directs Emma to another room where he relays his Curse knowledge. Emma is still in denial, despite Henry’s insistence and frankly some damning evidence. Clearly, Jeff’s creep factor is through the roof, but we know he’s right and not crazy. But we’ve been conditioned to trust Emma’s judgment, and though he is separated from his daughter—she belongs to another family in Storybrooke that he spies on with his other telescope—a sane person doesn’t hold people at gunpoint to get what he wants: unless you’re Liam Neeson from “Taken,” or Jack Bauer on “24,” or…pretty much every man searching for his family in the movies or TV, ever. Therefore, I’m inclined to not believe him, but that would defy one of the fundamental truths of the show. The psychopath does make a salient point, however, about the dialectic of stories and truth and how the distinction is blurry at best. He also makes a poignant critique about how most people seek out a magical solution for their problems, but refuse to believe in magic. These sorts of philosophical questions are uncharted waters for OUAT, and probably too heady for its audience and too loaded for its breezy subject matter, but their bold attempt did not go unrecognized.

While holding Emma hostage, demanding she use her apparent “magic” to make his hats work again, he’s also escorting the EQ to Wonderland. She needs to retrieve something the Queen of Hearts stole from her. Upon entering, a expertly CGI-ed hookah-smoking caterpillar appears atop a giant mushroom, but then it speaks and CORNFEST 2012 begins. Roger Daltry (of The Who) lends his voice, and what do you guess he says? “Who…are you?” Am I the only one who finds this to be just the WORST case of needlessness? He literally says one line and it’s one of his song lyrics, and an unnecessary piece of dialogue in the first place? I know their budget has seen an influx due to ratings and it’s done wonders for their VFX, but REALLY? Rant over.

Jefferson and EQ approach the Queen Of Hearts’ maze, and we learn suddenly that the EQ can shoot fireballs from her hands. I wish they would outline exactly what her powers are, because at this point I assume she can get out of most situations. What she retrieves after she burns through to the center of the maze is her father, in a box. No, I’m not just making things up! This, however means tragedy for Jeff. Only the same amount that entered can leave Wonderland, and EQ has no qualms about swapping him out for daddy dearest. An odd detail, EQ shows remorse in her face when she breaks the news that he’s stuck, but her words convey cruelty, saying if he really loved his daughter he never would have left her, a bitter pill to swallow. ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCES ALL DAY! Sorry.

Captured by the Queen of Hearts’ men, Jefferson initially withholds information of how he arrived in Wonderland, but then in a too-hot-for-TV move, a knight cuts his head off. But alas, no blood and he lives. They promise to reattach his body only when he shares the truth, so he tells them about the hat. Turns out to be a bad move since now he’s trapped in Wonderland until he can make the Queen of Hearts a new hat. And he lacks the magic necessary. So we’re left with the haunting image of Jefferson surrounded by mountains of misfires and mounds of failures.

Emma starts to question Jeff’s madness as she tries to craft him a magical hat, and she seems to empathize with his quest to reunite with his kid. We’re also treated to some weird chemistry between the two. Their breathy speech and close proximity imply they could kiss at any moment, but it might just be the palpable desperation on their tongues. And just as we start to believe Emma believes, she whacks him upside the head with his telescope. After a struggle, Mary Margaret kicks him out the window. When they look below to see the damage, his body is gone and his hat is bottom up. Did the hat work? Has he crossed over? No, John Edward get out of here! Oh, that’s a reference to the TV medium John Edward…oh never mind.

Flipping Mary Margaret the keys, she gives her the choice to run or trust that she’ll exonerate her. She implores she also stay because she doesn’t want to lose her family, “or friends or whatever.” So they hurry Mary Margaret back to the cell before Regina knows she left and Regina scolds Mr. Gold for not holding up his end of the bargain. Shocker of shockers, she was behind the planted key and Gold put it there. Apparently, he’s a double agent, which makes sense given he never scratches a back that won’t scratch him back, but I do believe he has taken a side. I’m unsure which, but my money is on him wanting to usurp Regina.

Our final scene is with Emma and Henry at a school playground. Grace, whose name is Paige in the real world walks by. Emma recognizes her from mad man’s telescope and asks Henry if she can inspect his book. The picture of Grace is a side profile, so there’s no guaranteeing a match, but Emma requests she keep the book. Is she FINALLY believing? It seems like this is the season’s ambition is to finally turn that tide, but I hope not. There needs to be a bigger payoff then “Emma’s on our team!” For the most part though, this was a harmless episode. It neither excited me, nor incited my wrath save a absurd use of a rock legend. It was equal parts detoured into Wonderland and focused on the main story. I’m anxious for the trial to be over and so relieved that next week they’ll finally address: what did Snow White do to ruin EQ’s life? They have laid such importance on this event that it will be hard for them to live up to expectations.

Sebastian Stan owned his spotlight this week, not overselling the madness or drowning out the established voices. Though Mad Hatter’s fairyback was par for the OUAT course, using a child as motivation, I liked that Jefferson acknowledged that the Curse is not being in the real world, it’s being separated from the ones you love. That detail might prove important later on. I could imagine a difficult decision down the road where a character might have to choose between the worlds. All speculation now, but thematically it’s significant that we have this consistency in message for the fairybacks. It’s an acute lens through which we can view them going forward. For keeping the ball rolling on the “bleeding realties” track and for maintaining a grave tone without frolicking into cheesy sentimentality territory, as the series unapologetically tends to, I’ll give credit where credit is due: there’s some magic in Storybrooke.

Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) gets in touch with the evil within, thirsty for the Evil Queen's blood.

I know these “Lost” alum love literary allusions, but this title seemed a little strong. I mean, does Ginnifer Goodwin seem like what Joseph Conrad had in mind for Kurtz?

Minor gripes aside, last night’s flirtation with evil was both infuriating and entertaining as hell. Some of the more annoying tendencies return, such as Regina’s groan-worthy fare and Henry, being Henry. And then there’s Snow White: a take-no-prisoners, pick-axe wielding, knight-torturing woman after my own heart. The slow reveal where she sings to a bluebird just to lure in it and swat at it with her broom was probably one of their best deployments of comedy yet. Turns out a Charming-size hole in her heart is the cause of her bitter ‘tude, but I gotta say: it was a major turn-on. Ginnifer Goodwin’s “dark side” was a pleasant surprise, even if it was a result of denying her true self. Most of the allure came from the pure unpredictability of what she would do to achieve her vengeful ends. I also yearned throughout the episode for her unadulterated brutality because the rest was so distastefully sugar-coated. The bad habit of repeating dialogue in both realms to emphasize a thematic tie was a well they drew from several times and only elicited obnoxious eye rolls from yours truly.

Lazy writing would be the wrong diagnosis. In my “professional” opinion, it stemmed from the blurring lines of reality that arose in last night’s moon-gravity leap forward in the overarching plot. Though the implication of this cross-world channeling was important to clarify, I felt that they underestimated their audience. Networks tend to do this, but I expected Kitsis/Horowitz to know better after working on such an experimental and innovative network show (in case you’re new, I liked “Lost,” and they wrote for “Lost”…moving on). Beat you over the head lines like “She has had her heart broken, and that can make you do unspeakable things” and “Sometimes evil stares us right in the face and we don’t even realize it,” call attention to themselves in the worst way. Like that kid who gets no love from their high-expectation parents so s/he seeks validation from everyone else. Look everyone, I’m doing something clever with parallelism—and irony!

With the help of CGI Jiminy Cricket (could you imagine if it was a dude in a costume? Hilarious.) the seven dwarves stage an intervention, where even Happy relays his grievances (she broke his mug!) and they force her to move out unless she starts to return to her old gleeful self. Snow agrees to leave, but not for their benefit: she wants head to roll. The queen’s gotta pay for (allegedly) killing her daddy, so she slings her pick-axe over her shoulder to hunt down the evil bi-otch. Moments later, she trips up a horse-riding knight and legit tortures him for information on the queen’s whereabouts. Her threatening monologue about diamonds and how they’re impervious to damage was awesomely diabolical. When she explains that her pickaxe, from the dwarf mines, is the only blade that can cut through a diamond (“So imagine what it could do to your soft flesh!) was the the sort of cutting-edge (pun intended) menace a writer dreams of having the opportunity to employ in dialogue. And the delight shows, especially in Goodwin’s cold delivery.

In the real world, Emma’s forced to book Mary Margaret to keep up appearances and not attract Regina’s wrath. And frankly, the evidence is piling against her. Her fingerprints are all over the box that likely contains Kathryn’s heart, AND said container is her jewelry box. Emma firmly believes in Mary Margaret’s innocence, but she needs to exonerate her dutifully or she’ll doom her friend to prison. Here’s where everyone’s least favorite precocious, fairy-tale zealot, Henry butts in, hoping to find the evidence that will vindicate his teacher. When he inspects the apartment with Emma, however, they find the murder weapon stashed in a heating vent. Discouraged, Henry seeks answers at the bottom of a mug of hot chocolate. Then the artist formerly known as Mysterious Biker Dude a.k.a August (ew) comforts the boy by professing his faith in The Book. In fact, he divulges to the kid his purpose in Storybrooke is to help Emma “see the light.” Essentially he is OUAT’s version of Desmond (am I right, Losties?) shepherding lost souls. He springs Henry into action, convincing him that with solid proof Emma will rally around his cause (Operation Cobra or “The lamest military operation name ever.”).

Back in FTL, Grumpy confronts Snow as she’s stripping the clothes off the knight (oh Ginnifer, how you tickle my fancy) and insists she let him help. He recommends seeking the counsel of Rumpelstiltskin since his potion is what altered her personality. She has no intentions of being cured, but she wonders if he can aid her in her mission. Rumpy does bestow a bow upon Snow that supposedly never misses it’s target, free of charge. Rumpy slyly assures her, “I’m invested in your future.” He never explains why he took her hair during their least deal (for the potion), but he drops a hint when he rambles on about how the only magic he hasn’t been able to bottle up is love. And if he could, he would be all-powerful. It’s a tidbit that intrigued me more than most they inserted into last night’s narrative because anything that empowers Rumpy means that EQ (the Evil Queen) will be unseated as the biggest of the baddies which is definitely my MO. I mean, Regina was seen skinning an apple with a pocket knife in this episode. A villain doesn’t get any more hammy than that.

Storybrooke alter-ego Mr. Gold also offers his assistance to Snow White’s doppelganger, Mary Margaret, agreeing to be  her legal counsel. Mary accepts, but like her counterpart she’s uneasy that he’s representing her gratis. He recites the identical forewarning, “I’m invested in your future,” furthering my defeated feeling that OUAT cares very little about my sensitivities toward cheesiness. Also in the business of clearing Mary’s good name (although for the first time in forever people start referring to her as Ms. Blanchard, why?) is David, who visits Dr.Hopper the town shrink hoping he can extract the memories he’s lost during his blackouts. Under hypnosis, he upholds the motif of channeling the FTL and believes that his memory of insisting Snow not kill the Queen is actually him imploring Mary not to kill Kathryn. WHOOPSIE!

Prince Charming also confronts Rumpelstiltskin (after Red creates a kickass diversion from the pursuing royal guards when her inner wolf comes out to play), strong-arming him for a cure to Snow’s personality disorder. When he confirms that true love’s kiss is the only antidote, the prince rushes to find her before her assassination attempt. He doesn’t leave, however, without striking a deal with Rumpy for her whereabouts, giving him his cloak in return. The imp is dubious about the value it possesses, but bear with with me on that. After a first attempt fails because he didn’t remind her of who she used to be, Jiminy Cricket appears fro a pep talk, and upon the second try (if at first you don’t succeed, kids, keep stalking that girl!) he restores Snow’s memory after sacrificing himself by jumping in front of the arrow. His willingness to die before she slips into darkness touches her so deeply, enhancing the magic of that pivotal smooch.

Charming’s immediately captured though, putting a damper on their reunion, but Snow vows that she “will always find [him]!” After genuinely apologizing to her dwarf buddies, they join her in the crusade to rescue her true love and the warm and fuzzy Snow returns! Thankfully, the disappearance of cutthroat Snow did not disappoint me, because both Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin bring their A-game in establishing chemistry, so you’re as adamant about their love triumphing over evil as they are, and that empathy that is proving essential to the overall investment in the show’s momentum.

The real world plot wraps up just as cathartically, but in the opposite direction of ‘”feel-good.” After heeding August’s advice to seek guidance from The Book, Henry surmises that the Queen’s key will open any lock. So he smuggles away his “mom’s” keys (resourceful little bugger, ain’t he?) and coerces Emma into testing it out. When the key opens the apartment door, Emma’s intuition of a set-up is reaffirmed. She ensures Emma that despite the DNA test confirming that it was Kathryn’s heart, that she will do whatever it takes to free her, proving her gall by striking up an alliance with Mr. Gold. Mary’s tempted by circumstance though when she finds the cell key beneath her bed (planted by Regina no doubt). And after David visits and admits to his increasing suspicion, due of his mixed-up memories, (a biting critique against the validity of hypnosis, huh?) she breaks down, banishing her true love. He resolve weakened, she uses the key to break out, obviously complicating any effort of Emma’s or Mr. Gold’s to absolve her.

The bigger payoff, for me, came before that final frame that reveals Mary’s empty cell. In the FTL, we see Rumpy drop Snow’s hair and a thread from Charming’s cloak into a flask. The result is some sort of illuminated bond, which signifies that his purpose of collecting random personal items was indeed malicious. He now has successfully bottled love, elevating him to an omnipotence that would seem impenetrable. What this means in the larger context is unclear, but I like the prospects if he now has a leg up on the insufferable Evil Queen.

This development, among many others, affirmed my faith that we may be moving toward less isolated “fairy tale of the week” departures and have arrived at the sturdier backbone of the series. Not all of OUAT’s ventures into folklore have been pointless, but meandering has become tedious considering how many episodes in we are. Although the hand-holding insulted my intelligence, I’m thankful there is a trajectory that I can grab onto and follow. A drama centered around fairy tales with no stakes is too self-indulgent to enjoy; and with newfound purpose, I’m more likely to tolerate such heavily lathered-on “significance. Though I wish the writers would stop being so keen to point it out. To be clear, my issue isn’t with the idea of the borders of Storybrooke and FTL becoming indistinct, but when its added only to stroke the ego of the brain trust and to be “clever for clever’s sake,” I can’t get behind that. But the risk-taking drove character action, so with cautious optimism I’ll encourage the less dawdling, more uninhibited get-it-done approach.

For unveiling the series’ dark side, while evolving the premise and capitalizing on the crucial draw of the show—the connection between Emma, Mary and David becoming a family unit again, and unifying to take down Regina—this week’s episode earned my respect, despite testing my patience with cliched repetition. B, for more badass mofo Snow!

Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Red Riding Hood (Meghan Ory) hunt down the BIg Bad Wolf.

Can a 44-minute drama be salvaged by a final 15-ish minutes of badassery when the first 30-ish of shlock made me want to be anywhere else but in front of my television?

I was preparing my most epic of rants near the halfway mark. I was ready to bash the show’s inability to brand itself: who are you OUAT? Are you the cornball cheesefest parade of Disney characters masquerading as a mystery drama? Or are you the genre-bending brain child of LOST creators that uses parallel worlds and fairy tales to challenge our conceptions of good and evil and “happily ever after?”

But then my mind was blown a bit, and I jumped off the pulpit. OUAT isn’t ambitious, no matter how much I want it to be. There will still be overarching themes, subtext, and symbolism; but this should not be mistaken for an attempt to televise high-end children’s literature. The success of this show hinges on how fun and inventive the fairy tale allusions are, week-to-week. Let’s face it, not much headway has been made in “Operation Cobra” a.k.a Tell Storybrooke residents they used to be fairy tale characters. To be frank, most of the real world happenings that have earned their keep had to do with relationships and next to nothing with mythology. The last time I can recall a significant development in understanding the connection between FTL (Fairy Tale Land) and present day Storybrooke was Regina’s collection o’ hearts that she stows underground.

Therefore, with so much “riding” on the subversion of  familiar legends, Red needed to blow the house down (see what I did there?). At first I was underwhelmed and even perturbed. She whined about Granny’s overprotectiveness—she hatched down all the doors and sat by the fire with a freaking crossbow—because she was separated from the handsome meathead, Peter. Granny justifies her tyranny claiming she had a run-in with The Wolf as a child. It slaughtered all the men in her clan and left her scarred, emotionally and physically (bite marks on her arm).

When Red finds Snow White in her chicken coop, her reclusive lifestyle is shaken up. When Snow hears that the wolf’s terrorism is keeping her from true love, Snow’s romantic tendencies arise and she’s adamant that Red must overcome. With puppy love blinding her, Red decides they’ll scour the woods for the wolf during the day, since he’ll probably be taking his savage beast nap. As Red follows the tracks (by scent, the first clue) their fear heightens as they discover the remnants of a massacre, several blooded bodies strewn over a white snow blanket. Part of my annoyance was how they hyped up this wolf so damn much. They kept panning back and forth to both their awestricken faces, and saying things like, “What kind of monster are we dealing with!” and none of the horror felt earned.

The tracks lead them back to the cottage and it becomes clear that Red’s puppy love is actually werewolf love as he was the last person other than them (other big hint I missed) that would have come footprints leading there. Then more over-dramatization: “This is so bad.” “So do something!” “You’re right, I have to.” I mean, come on, that’s just awful, and uninspired, and just a waste of script. Then overwrought dialogue just becomes ridiculous when Red informs Peter of his supposed alter ego and her plan to spend every night with him helping him cope with his ferocious ailment. “All we have to do is tie you up during the wolf’s time. I know where to find rope!” Oh, how resourceful you are Red Riding Hood. It’s a plan that ensures disaster.

Across the dimensional planes, or however they eventually explain it, Emma is conducting her static investigation of Kathryn’s disappearance. After David’s extravagant and public arrest, Emma simply releases him because she’s the human lie detector and she can’t charge him with anything. Red’s Storybrooke self, Ruby, quits her job at Granny’s diner because she totally like, oppressive: giving her more work and junk. Emma takes her under her wing and Mary offers their place while she figures out her future. She tries her hand at policework (despite Henry’s repeated suggestions that she try a messenger job, because he’s the prince of irony and thinks he’s clever, but he’s just a precocious little twerp) and helps Emma track David, who since his release from police custody has been spotted in the woods in a catatonic state or “dreamwalk” state by Mary Margaret.

When Ruby happens upon David he’s passed out. They jolt him awake, and he has no recollection of the past day. Emma gets a hunch that he might have wandered to the toll bridge like he did last time he “dreamwalked.” Aiming to boost Ruby’s self-esteem, she sends her on the erran and what Ruby finds nearly paralyzes her with fear. Remember those tiny treasure chests of hearts I mentioned before? Well, it’s one of those, with Kathryn’s heart inside! Duh duh DUH!

Snow, under the alias of Mary (because OUAT’s goal this week was to make me groan as many times as possible), covers for Red as she tends to Peter the wolf (ugh, seriously). But when Granny pulls back the red hood and doesn’t find Red, she panics. The reason for her captivity wasn’t to keep her from love at all. Are your ready? RED IS THE WOLF! THE RED CAPE WAS MADE BY A WIZARD TO STOP HER TRANSFORMATION! Yeah, they fooled me on that one. I knew it wasn’t Peter, but I suspected Granny since she described with such precision how the wolf decimated her family. Turns out my instinct was right, and Granny passed on the werewolf gene and withheld the secret so she wouldn’t have to shoulder that burden. Crossbow-yielding Granny does subdue her, but not before she’s ripped her boyfriend to shreds with her teeth (a man’s worst nightmare). Obviously, this traumatizes Red, but we leave her in agony and I fully approve of this. As I’ve mentioned, I LOVE when FTL goes dark. I’m the eternal optimist and it would be awesome if the show ended up going the route of championing the real world, where fairy tales are possible without the aid of sorcery and just the magic of love. Yeah, it’s shameful how sappy I am.

Turns out the awesome 180s don’t end in FTL. Emma reveals that the box was marked up with not David, but Mary  Margaret’s fingerprints! I’m not at all convinced that my sweetheart Ginnifer Goodwin is capable of murder, and we already know those boxes belong to Regina. I’ll admit I’m digging the ruthlessness the Evil Queen has displayed with this act, as opposed to her usual nails-on-a-blackboard fits of wrath. There isn’t as much suspense here as they’d like to think, all we need to know is how she planted the prints and what motivation she has to frame Mary Margaret for this crime.

Ruby ends her rebellious phase and returns to Granny, resolved to never encounter a human heart buried in the ground ever again. Nothing like gore to make you run back to Grandma. She evens cleans up her appearance ditching her booty shorts, belly-baring tops and red streaks in her hair for flannel, jeans and a more professionally styled hairdo. Granny takes her back, admitting she only wanted to assign her more duties so she could prepare her to take over the diner when she’s gone. I have to at least commend the writers for one of their more subtle, less wink-wink, parallels. Ruby, like Red, discovers a side of her she didn’t know she had, but chooses to suppress her sleuthing skills in exchange for a humble existence with those she loves. Granted Red’s dark side is more tragic, but I believe extrapolating and exaggerating the woes of their real-world counterparts should be the objective of the fairybacks, therefore I condone its usage this week.

It’s hard to ignore the utter irrelevance and lack of bite (I’m so darn pun-ny!) of the majority of this episode though. A twist done right, can be masterful, but I had no desire to invest in where Red’s story was going until her genetic monstrosity was uncovered. Perhaps if her adoration for Peter felt less fleeting, or if her defiance of Granny were less juvenile and rooted in a purer ambition I might have cared, but when you’re focusing on a fringe character whom you’re hardly invested in, motivation becomes key. And it was clear to me they glossed over it and were banking on their audience sticking around, feeling their viewership would be vindicated in the final revelations. Though they certainly altered my perception of the episode, my memory of time wasted was not erased. My main issue was illustrated perfectly in one particular scene, where Henry explains to Emma that Ruby has a lot to offer because she’s goddamn Red Riding Hood (my words). Emma replies, “Yeah, she’s pretty badass.” And by that point, I had not seen that in the slightest. At that point, in both worlds,  she was a timid girl on a defiant kick, with little ambition other than to stick it to Granny and have people affirm that’s special. If I don’t believe that she has any fight in her, why would I take it on good faith that she would prove herself to be vicious?

Much of last night was spent confirming what is needless and infuriating about the Once Upon A Time premise: obvious allusions, character of the week structure, and unfounded causes for alarm in the seemingly low-stakes secluded village of Storybrooke. For a thrilling conclusion with legitimate surprises, and a glimpse of how both worlds can conjure up their own immediacy, I will jack up the grade on an otherwise boring detour from the primary question: when will they find out the truth? Truth is, I guarantee its dragged out past the season finale, but if the fairybacks can offer a more palpable, less tangential interest in their backstories, and they ramp up the tension in the real world it might not matter. But with little to hang on to besides a missing persons investigation, my mind continues to wander. Red’s possession by demon doggy carries a mediocre episode into B- territory.

In court for wrongful termination on Thursday, Nicollette Sheridan accused Marc Cherry, creator of “Desperate Housewives”, of hitting her with an open hand.

The alleged slap was a result of an argument about her lines on the show, and Sheridan called it a “nice wallop to my head”, and said “It was shocking, humiliating. It was demeaning.”

Sheridan insisted that the reason for her termination from the show was due to her complaints about Cherry and his behavior.

In defense, Cherry said he only tapped Sheridan to demonstrate something for a scene, and that her removal from the show was for reasons including creative direction, cost saving, and her questionable professional behavior. He also said that he had approached ABC executive, Mark Pedowitz, with his plan to kill off Sheridan’s character four months before the accusation of him slapping her was made.

At the village tavern, Dreamy (Lee Arenberg) is advised by Belle (Emile De Ravin) on the pain inherent in love.

“Once Upon A Time” just might be too damn cheesy for some. Let’s face it, blue and pink fairies floating above the clouds, dropping fairy dust on a giant egg, from which a dwarf is hatched—that’s an acquired taste. That sort of cornball, nonsensical mythology is not necessarily new to “genre” television, but with such a Disney-fied sheen, it might alienate many viewers. But judging by the ratings and the resulting raise in the VFX budget (much more respectable CGI), this concoction seems to be working it’s (brace yourselves) magic.

Tonight’s formula didn’t quite work for me, mostly due to the absurd love story at the center of the episode. The actors were troopers (genre vet Amy Acker as Nova the fairy, and Lee Arenberg as Dreamy/Grumpy) who didn’t mock the material and tried to inject genuine, and not overblown, feeling into a largely forgettable story. It’s upsetting too, because as I’ve begrudgingly foretold, I love me a good true-love-conquers-all tale. But since Snow White met up with the dwarves in “7:15 AM” (one of the best episodes so far by the way) we’ve known that Grumpy was once “blinded by love.” We knew that somehow the relationship would be doomed and his “Dreamy-ness” would be shattered. I’m bumming myself out with how cynical that sounds, but it’s true. I found it hard to root for a relationship that I knew wasn’t exactly “Too Big To Fail.”

Also, to be even more of a killjoy, Dreamy never really loved her. When Nova clumsily spilled her fairy dust on him, she accidentally made him fated to fall for her. Now, we could get into a lengthy discussion of which came first, the dust or the egg (rimshot). Sorry, I had to. But no, seriously, I would gladly hear an argument that maybe the fate of Dreamy and Nova’s love pre-destined her dropping the fairy dust and it randomly falling on his egg, but this felt less Romeo and Juliet (us and our destined love against the world) and more like mythical negligence. And even if you disagree, and feel like nothing can tear at the fabric of this dwarf-fairy union, fine. But in terms of storytelling, this dramatic irony didn’t work for me.

Using Romeo and Juliet again, yes it’s stated blankly in the prologue that they will die, but that’s a play with layers of tragedy to unravel. It doesn’t become less enjoyable once the end is spoiled, it becomes all the more intriguing. There’s the fighting families, there’s the flawed nature of both lovers, and I don’t think Shakespeare makes the argument that these were two people who belonged together. They were two kids who fell head over heels and let their conceptions of love overwhelm them and cloud their reason. Dreamy and Nova can’t be together because…dwarves are culturally denied the right to love? Because Dreamy feels Nova should put her career first? Actually, now that I think of it, that was less of a tragedy and more of a commentary about the shift in our modern conceptions of love, wasn’t it? NAH.

Regardless, the show would be hard pressed to trump their own use of dramatic irony in the instance of Snow White/ Prince Charming. Here the construction is the opposite. There is less of a tragic element because we know they WILL end up together. But where the engagement happens is the multi-episode arc in which they get together against all odds. Since we’re clueless as to how they get together, the writers are free to orchestrate a intricate, obstacle-riddled path to their happily ever after. Where my investment starts is when Snow and Charming start to experience the painful longing, and they question whether the fight is worth it. You want to convince me that true love exists? Integrate it’s spell into parts of our world. Use emotional anguish, use hopelessness, and use that resilience that keeps you from quitting on someone because losing them would kill you, even though you’re already dying, just to see that someone again. Even in the age that equates optimism with weakness, happy endings work. They just need to be earned. And so do the sappy ones, you won’t gain my appreciation just by denying Dreamy his dream.

Dreamy’s Storybrooke doppellanger is Leroy, the town drunk (because in the real world, if you’re a grouch it’s because you drink too damn much). Generally, a grump (surprise, surprise), Leroy is bitten by the love bug. Of course, he can’t have her because she is the real world equivalent of an untouchable fairy—a nun. As Mary Margaret berates, “Could you possibly pick anyone less available?” Not gonna lie, I lolled. Anywho, he’s smitten with her prudish and naive charm and offers to help sell candles to raise money for the nuns’ rent, which slightly sketched me out. He joins Mary Margaret in the effort, but they sell zero candles because they’re social pariahs. It’s all very biblical actually. Afraid to disappoint Astrid (the nun that has seduced him into paying his rent…still sketchy) Leroy lies and says he sold all of them, $5,000 worth. So how will the town drunk and town harlot sell all the candles before it’s too late? Tune in next week…or paragraph. Either way.

Well after searching for the answer at the bottom of a glass, our kooky friend, Leroy decides to take an ax (ah, subtle link between the worlds) to the transformer, putting out all the lights for blocks. So, basically, they threatened them into buying candles. Huh. This show is dark. Astrid is impressed though, but nothing really becomes of it because, well she is a nun. So they live happily, but celibately ever after.

Relegated to not nearly enough screen time is the matter of Kathryn’s disappearance. Emma investigates the scene, and even calls the law school, and determines that she was definitely abducted somehow. When she interrogates David, she feels he is honest when he says that he hasn’t talked to her at all since the accident. But when Regina pulls the phone records, it tells a different story. Emma must then go against her instincts and her allegiances and take David away in her squad car as a suspect. The episode ends on this “cliffhanger,” but it felt extremely anti-climactic. He isn’t being arrested. She has evidence that he might have lied (he could have pocket dialed), but nothing linking him to the crime yet. Why Mary Margaret was looking on as if her world had come crashing down seemed like forcing emotion out of the preliminary stages of this investigation.

In addition, there was a detail that bothered me. I understand that Emma operates alone, in a small town, but when you have a case where a wife goes missing, wouldn’t the side chick be the first one you question? I understand Mary Margaret is her mother-friend, but you have to hold up the integrity of the law. At least go through the formality of asking her questions even if you are going to ignore the answers. Jot some stuff on a notepad, help her come up with an alibi, SOMETHING! When Sidney Glass mentioned this explicitly, I was irate. They just completely dismissed it, like “No, I know her, she’s a good person.” SO?!

Implausibility was a huge issue for me here. I’m willing to suspend disbelief so that I can enjoy an artful mythology or relatable characters, but disregard for logic? I can forgive dwarves hatching out of eggs (which in hindsight was kinda awesome, and a clever way to explain their work-dedicated life without some half-assed slavery allegory). What I can’t forgive is manufactured feeling. Is destroying a transformer supposed to be a romantic gesture? It’s not only illegal, but irresponsible. Candles don’t solve the problems of food going bad in the refrigerator. And what if the hospital was within that radius? I hope he sells some extra candles to pay for the generator! And as I mentioned already, I was impressed with the actors who played Nova and Dreamy-turned-Grumpy, but as written there wasn’t nearly enough payoff for me to get my “Awwwws” from the him brandishing a new ax that dubs him Grumpy. Plus, I saw it coming a mile away once I saw that he was originally dubbed Dreamy in the same manner.

It’s not impossible to make me care about a dwarf and a fairy falling madly in love, but when you explicitly discount their feelings by saying it was conjured by fairy dust, how am I supposed to feel the magic? For falling short of the expectations they had raised in recent weeks, of delicately rendered love stories and dynamic flashbacks with sophisticated spins on the childhood standards, I must regretfully whistle as I work to forgive the dull stone they mined this week. But knowing what Kitsis/Horowitz are capable of, and looking ahead at a sexy, Red Riding Hood fairyback next week, I’m sure the gleam will be restored. Until then, C+

Emma (Jennifer Morrison) hesitates, but eventually hops on the stranger's (Elon Bailey) bike as Granny watches.

Despite shifting social opinions on love, commitment, monogamy and sexual liberation, one commandment has stood the test of time and atheism: thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.

In recent weeks, I’ve expressed my allegiance to the Mary Margaret/David pairing. Shall we call them Mavid? Yes, let’s. Well, Mavid has honed in on the thread of my fabric that is a hopeless romantic and they’ve yanked at it with all their might. However, the consequences of their love have a mighty wide ripple effect in both Storybrooke and in Fairy Tale Land (FTL) as Snow White and Charming.

In Storybrooke, their romance gets the stigmatized label of an affair. David is married to Kathryn, whom he doesn’t love, but more importantly he doesn’t care for enough to tell her that. This is where my ties to Mavid become tenuous. Forbidden love carries with it an air of thrill and the danger can really ramp up the sexual tension, but it loses its luster when eventually the unsuspecting “others” find out, and that infatuation is quickly converted into a burdensome shame. Having been wrapped up in a doomed relationship myself, I felt for Mary Margaret. It’s tough to let go when you feel like loosening your grip on someone means losing hold of who you are. But in her case, she’s not just lying to herself she’s lying to his wife. You’re aiding and abetting a broken promise. This dishonesty seems totally contradictory to the kind-hearted, thoughtful Mary we have come to know over thirteen episodes, but it could all be forgiven if when the heat of the moment reaches its boiling point, Mary can make the right decision instead of the easy one.

Tonight’s episode was about this self-destructive inner turmoil we call love, and the havoc it wreaks upon the emotions of every one involved. FTL serves not as the painfully obvious parallel this week, but as an alternative (and we aren’t browbeaten about ‘the point’ through ‘wink wink’ dialogue). What if both Kathryn and David decided to stop dancing around each others’ feelings, and followed their hearts? Often times, I have said FTL appears to be grimmer than reality, and redemption is sought in Storybrooke, but tonight the karmic tale plays out in small town Maine, while more typically, beasts are conquered in the alternate universe.

Kathryn drops a bit of a bomb on David when she reveals that she had applied to law school while he was still taking his really long nap. That’s what a coma is, right? She has received her acceptance letter and was accepted to an unnamed school in Boston. Well which is it? New England Law? Harvard? I’m way too close to the situation being a resident, I apologize. His reaction is dismay since this means no more sneaking around with cutie-patootie. When he goes to “clear his head” with Mary, I’m vindicated when my girl tells him to face facts. She insists he tell Kathryn the truth or he has made his choice, there is no “them” anymore.

David’s alter ego James (awful alternative to Charming) is running from marriage too. As explained in “7:15 A.M,”  he and King Midas’ daughter Abigail (Kathryn’s FTL identity) are betrothed per an agreement to unify the two kingdoms. Charming says screw political alliances and holds steadfast to his principle that he can’t marry someone he doesn’t love. Abigail’s henchmen intercept him and they bury the hatchet. See, in this universe Kathryn’s alter ego has a true love as well that isn’t him: a fellow named Frederick, who was paralyzed in gold after throwing himself on the cursed Midas when their caravan was ambushed. It discomforted me at first, the implication being made through the juxtaposition of stories that David and Kathryn’s marriage was always loveless, but Kathryn admits as much to Regina later. It troubled me still, because I found this to be inconsistent. When we first met David, fresh after his super long nap time, his personality was split. Half of him still loved Kathryn and the other was engrossed with Mary Margaret. At the time I assumed it was an internal conflict between his present self and the memories of his FTL past, but now the whole idea that he ever truly loved Kathryn pre-coma has been abandoned. Kathryn disavows that idea when she says, “He never looked at me like he looks at her.” I’m not sure which I would prefer, but I wish OUAT had simply stuck with one so that I didn’t end my sense of loyalty wasn’t so scatterbrained.

When David confronts Kathryn he acts much less honorably than his royal self. In a doubly deceptive ploy, he tells Kathryn that he can’t go to Boston because he can’t make a connection with her (stinky load of horses**t, huh?). Not only does he neglect to mention he loves someone else, but he promised Mary Margaret he’d tell the truth. What a scumbag. I loved it. I’m all for making these fairy tale conceits of good and evil less stark by employing duplicitous characters. As much as the romance between Mary and David sent my heart aflutter, it was the most I’d ever enjoyed David oddly, when I stopped liking him. Not only does he incite a rage within Kathryn when she finds out from Regina instead, but he brings shame upon the woman he professes to love. His wife not only slaps her in front of her students, but the reverberations of it spreads hateful murmurs all over town and TRAMP is tagged on her station wagon. The humiliation gives rise to courage, and Mary Margaret asserts that the relationship has become too destructive, a refreshing concept considering how in FTL men and women risk their lives for an elevated ideal of true love. Even if the relationship is predestined, this wrench in the plan felt like the most convincing way to veer off course (foreshadowing, lol).

A legend of the mystical properties of water elicits the more direct collision of worlds this week. A magical lake called Something-Lame with the power to bring back something you’ve lost serves as the answer to reviving Princess Abigail’s true love, Frederick. The guardian of the lake is predictably a siren, the obvious metaphor for temptation. The seductress takes the form of Snow White, and at first he is entrapped by her kiss. But when she says she loves him he senses the inauthenticity and wriggles away from her seaweed grasp and stabs her. Abigail then pours the lake water over statue Frederick and he’s restored to lively Frederick again. I could care less about Freddy though. He served as an adequate motivation/plot device for Charming to confront his hopelessness towards reuniting with Snow, but he came off as kind of a wuss, despite slaying the beast. He entered into a knowingly risky situation figuring that he had nothing else to live for, so he would fight for someone else’s true love since he can’t secure his own? Kind of a suicidal mess, no? Ultimately, he realized that true love is not something you give up on, but initially his misplaced sense of sacrifice came off as less than valiantly. Otherwise, the fairyback felt inconsequential, taking us back to where we left off with “7:15 A.M,” extending the scene only slightly to show him and Red Riding Hood galloping away from his “father’s” hot, arrow-firing pursuit. It actually confused me about the timeline of these fairybacks and made me wonder how long Snow has been with the dwarves to this point.

The water-induced recovery in Storybrooke was that of The Book. Yes, Henry’s book that contains all the tales of its inhabitants’ former lives. We as an audience are privy to the truth, which is that Mysterious Biker/Writer Dude, who finally gives up his name (August W. Booth, ew), had it at the end of “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree.” It was unclear, to me anyway, whether he was simply repairing the book or if he added new pages, but nonetheless he strategically places the book in a gutter underneath Emma’s car after making her drink some well water that, according to legend, comes from a magical lake. Does this mean that FTL lies underneath the town as was alluded to in “That Still Small Voice? (the 5th episode way back in November)” The writers sure seem to be suggesting it. I also thought when August started with his didactic monologue about ancient cultures worshipping water it was terribly misplaced, but Kitsis/Horowitz were part of many such preachings on “LOST” so that type of speech was bound to seep in at some time. But where “LOST” was tonally very spiritual, “Once Upon A Time” should stick to its lighter, mythic tone.

Kathryn’s mature realization that she never loved David as deeply as Mary Margaret, and only pretended to, set in motion some shady events. First, Regina steals a letter Kathryn left for David giving her blessing of Mavid (think it will catch on? I’s okay I know it’s lame) and subsequently burns it. Then, when Kathryn leaves town to study law in Boston and find her real true love, her car is found by a passerby swerved into the woods, but with no body inside! The cut to Regina’s sinister stare implies she had something to do with it, but how? Too much slight of hand is taking place in those last moments for me to enjoy the ride (pun intended). The strings are visible and the manipulation, like the show itself in its lower points, is far from subtle. For me, the sweet and somber note of Emma lying beside Mary Margaret in bed as Mary cries over her rough decision to end it with David, was the preferable ending. Not only do I buy into the acting styles of Morrison and Goodwin more than Lana Parilla as Regina/Evil Queen, but their struggles gel more with the core of the episode’s thematic ambition. Ending on Regina’s Machiavellian mischief was just a calculated network cliffhanger, and I should have expected that by now.

As I’ve admitted ad nauseum, I’m a sucker for a good ole fashioned faith-in-true-love hour, so this episode reeled me in easily, but by messing with the formula gave me reason to stick around. The VFX were FAR better than in episodes past; between the siren sequence and the horseback chases I was moderately impressed. All the same, this fairyback didn’t captivate me like those with Rumpelstiltskin ruining people’s lives have (I’m a bitter, bitter man) and the butchering of the mood at the end soured me from being more forgiving. For further developing already likable characters into flawed and relatable characters, and providing a noteworthy tale of tough choices—when is love worth the fight and when is it just killing you—I can’t ignore the progress my relationship with this series is making. I won’t pretend it was the real thing, so a not-quite-true love deserves a B.

Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle) whisks his new housekeeper Belle (Emile de Ravin) away from her father.

My viewing experience of “Once Upon A Time” is tainted, by expectation. I want it to be LOST. It’s creators want it to be LOST, and it never will be.

Last week I gladly declared that OUAT had found its identity and had squandered many of its pretensions and simply tried to be a damn good time. But this week, Kitsis/Horowitz seemed like a needy child tugging at its mother’s pant leg. I thought they were beyond seeking approval. All the Easter eggs and insider jokes like the Apollo Bars and the McCutcheon whiskey were just tributes to the landmark series they took part in. However with Emile de Ravin’s appearance as Belle (yes, of Beauty and the Beast fame) I wonder if Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, harbor a repressed need to catch lightning in a bottle again.

Surely, De Ravin’s guest appearance is simply an isolated homage, and lofty aspirations haven’t bogged down this creative team. Except, LOST is not the only acclaimed drama to catch OUAT’s wandering eye. They’ve snatched talent like Jennifer Morrison from “House,” Giancarlo Esposito from “Breaking Bad,” and tonight they made a “Game of Thrones” pun by naming a flower shop, “Game of Thorns.” I can’t decide whether it is endearing or desperate.

Much like some classic LOST episodes, tonight’s OUAT was a reveal episode. There was still a fairyback, one brought to life thanks to all those Disney rights! Ah, ABC, you treat them well. And there was “progress” in Storybrooke. But the real meat of the plot came during a two minute interaction between Mr. Gold and Regina where it was finally acknowledged that they both know of their former lives and evil power struggle. She goes all Destiny’s Child, “Say your name!” And he admits to awareness of “other worlds.” This wasn’t presented as a huge deal, it wasn’t even the final reveal of the episode, but it is a revelation with implications for the series at large. It is out in the open now, and if he knows the questions become, will he be a roadblock for Emma and Henry’s plans to enlighten the townsfolk (for my Losties, “Desmond-style”) or could he prove a formidable ally?

I was predisposed to be enthralled with tonight’s fairyback. Beauty and the Beast is almost certainly in my top three Disney flicks of all time (excluding Pixar) and Claire was one of my many beloved Oceanic 815ers so Emile de Ravin had me hooked with little effort. We’re introduced to the heroine as she stews by her father’s side, worried their village will be sacked as the Ogre Wars rage on (Am I the only one who would be fascinated by a detailed history of the events leading up to these wars?). I was mildly disappointed her dad was a rich, lordly fellow instead of an eccentric inventor. Anyway, Rumpelstiltskin appears as the solution to their suffering, promising to save their town in exchange for Belle’s services as his permanent housekeeper. Her betrothed, Gaston, insists she stay, but Belle is intent on breaking away from the social constraints of womanhood, seizing the opportunity to be heroic. She elects to go with Rumpy, much to his delight.

In the real world, there was much less interesting fare. Mr. Gold is robbed by a florist, Mr. French, after Gold nabs his van as collateral. Gold seems awfully upset over one particular item that Sheriff Swan hadn’t yet recovered and threatens that if she doesn’t detain Mr. French, he will get to him first. When he does, he beats the florist with his cane for information on the whereabouts of this item. He starts screaming about “her” and how it’s his fault that, “she is gone.” When he refuses to divulge the entire truth to Emma, he is cuffed.

In a Storybrooke subplot, Ashley returns. Who? Oh, that pregnant girl who is Cinderella in Fairy Tale Land (FTL). She’s overtired from taking care of the baby because her baby daddy Shawn is always at work being the breadwinner. Ruby (FTL identity: Red Riding Hood) suggest that she and Mary Margaret join her for a ladies night on the town. Both agree, especially Mary Margaret who’s once again unsatisfied by only being a part-time lover to David, who is still carrying on with his wife, Kathryn. I normally care about those two lovebirds, but the developments felt so wedged in, that I became detached. Next week their affair will come to a head when Kathryn finds out.

At Rumpy’s castle, Belles settles in after feeling initially weary about handing over her life to a “monster.” But as the “tale as old as time” foretold, Rumpy begins to treat her nicely, even pardoning her when she chips a cup. This is of course an allusion to “Chip” from Disney’s incarnation of the tale. You might say this reference made me groan, but I shall not complain as I promised last week. Rumpy begins to fall for her first, turning Gaston into a rose for his sweetheart when he comes to her rescue. Then, Belle’s opinion of her master (kinky) shifts when she falls from a ladder into his arms (the editing and VFX in this scene are ATROCIOUS). She begins to probe him for information about his past, when he was a man. She yearns to know the man she will serve forever better. In a move to test her affection for him, Rumpy asks Belle to go into town for more straw. If she comes back, he will tell her the story of the son he lost. He expressed that he expects her to never come back.

On her journey she runs into the Evil Queen. EQ informs her that her master’s curse will be broken, and his humanity restored if he receives true love’s kiss. Knowing that his beastly features and evil within can be eroded she returns to him. But when she shares true love’s kiss with Rumpy, he resists the change. He suspects her to be an agent of the EQ, trying to remove his powers, to weaken him. For her treason, Belle is thrown in the dungeon. After a tantrum in which the only glassware spared is the chipped cup, he releases her, never wanting to see her again. She calls him a coward as his son had when he killed to protect him, a genuine callback and reference that felt the most organic and essential of any they’ve attempted.

Shakeups in Storybrooke abound when Ashley accepts Shawn’s marriage proposal and Mary Margaret bumps into David. He hands her a V-day card, but accidentally hands her one addressed to Kathryn. This tips the scales for MM and she observes that they will find a way to be together, but this isn’t it. Back at SBPD, Regina bribes Emma with a half hour visit with Henry (this wouldn’t strike her as odd…awful sheriff….and where’s mystery writer/biker dude?) in order to converse with Mr. Gold. She confesses to encouraging Mr. French to rob him, asking that he bring her back…his chipped cup. She held this as leverage so that Gold would speak his FTL name. It’s a fun scene that recalls the legend that surrounds his name. As I mentioned before, this revelation that they both know could add a layer of mixed allegiances or simply heighten the risks involved in Emma and Henry’s pursuit of the truth.

While Rumpy slumps at his spindle over his reluctance to allow love in his heart, for fear of rejection, EQ visits hoping they can strike another deal. When he is not in the mood he accuses her outright of ruining their relationship. She cryptically answers that she had nothing to do with “that tragedy.” Puzzled, Rumps asks of what she speaks. EQ shares that upon returning home, her father had shunned her. He learned of her love for “The Beast” and has banished to a tower where clerics will cleanse her soul. Distraught, she threw herself out of the tower, falling to her death. This explains the sentimental value surrounding the cup in the real world, it’s all he had left of her. Or so he thinks. The very last scene of the episode shows Regina entering a secret wing of the hospital where “Belle” is locked up. What repercussions could this have for their eternal power struggle? I’m unsure, but again it opens up the dimensions for the real world adding a darker tinge to the episodes to follow. Gold, like EQ may not want to go back to FTL, but they want to vanquish each other. The more moral ambiguity that can be infused in these classics, the better. And with the sporadic investment in real world proceedings before this, another reason to care wouldn’t hurt.

Nearly all the real world happenings felt inconsequential. This irrelevant quality took a sharp 180 toward the end, but I can’t discount my utter boredom beforehand. Ashley had been gone for so long, her engagement felt like a formality. And when I start feeling blase about any plot point that involves Mary Margaret you know it hasn’t been well rendered. Despite these clear narrative shortcomings, it was pleasant to step into the world of “Beauty and the Beast” again, and it’s always a pleasure to watch Emile de Ravin smile sheepishly at me (ok, in my general direction). For it’s sheer entertainment value, and for effectively (and finally) incorporating the gritty, tragic elements of the FTL futility into the thrust of the Storybrooke setting, OUAT regresses but swings its pendulum in a positive direction with a B-.

King Leopold (Richard Schiff of "The West Wing") dotes on his daughter, Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin).

Is there anything freer than knowing exactly who you are? You have nothing to prove, because your expectations are much more reasonable and whenever you create, or work, or do what it is you do, you do it with a exactness that no one else could ever conceive of.

Well, “OUAT,” I believe, has found that sweet spot. They have embraced an identity, and it falls short of many great shows on television. I can provide you with 10 better written shows, and I can find you ten shows that I certainly look up to more for their innovation and artistry. Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz worked on one of those before, “LOST.” If you have read my reviews you know how much I adored, and still carry great affection for, that show. Despite it being the one show my dad and I will never watch together, and while my opinions contrasts with those who loathed the final five minutes of the series finale so severely that it ruined the entire journey before it, it is undoubtedly, one for the history books. OUAT, will never be LOST. OUAT wishes they had the privilege of “LOST’s” club of flaws. However, OUAT has a lightness to it now, as if they have dropped the burden of expectations and have decided to care less about being great, and want to a force of its own will. “Once Upon A Time” will make me groan weekly with its insisting witticisms connecting their dual realms, but beyond today I will note them no longer (but seriously, referring to a plan to expose Regina as reaching for the fruit of the poisonous tree, COME ON!) because it’s charming just how little they wish to please me. And now that they have stopped catering to some false sense of importance, it has become more enjoyable, more effortlessly engaging, and more goddamed fun.

Although tonight, my patience was tried within mere minutes of the still lame title sequence (this isn’t a haunted house show, let’s be real). Lana Parilla is a clearly attractive woman in her own right, and I’m sure come Emmy season I will be scraping my jaw off the floor after she has walked onto the red carpet, but any chemistry we had has been killed by her shrewish attitude on the show. I’m sure that is how she has been directed to be, but why couldn’t she be more seductive. Isn’t the purest evil the kind that sneaks up behind you because you trusted it would never harm you? Well, it seems the show may be in the business of granting wishes. I say this not just because “The Genie” from Aladdin lore is the subject of tonight’s fairyback, but because in said fairyback, the Queen effectively seduced me.

But not before she made my balls shrink up inside me with condescensions like, “He’ll have a cracked cranium if you aren’t careful,” or “It’s time to be responsible Ms. Swan.” These gems and more are a part of a barrage of berating remarks by Regina, aimed at Emma, after she finds her and Henry playing at a now dilapidated playground (Henry’s castle) after the storm hit it. Emma, initially, is willing to let her usual overreaching roll off. Then she hits up Granny’s. Here we find Gus (damn, still not Breaking Bad, huh), I mean Sidney Glass, editor of the Storybrooke Mirror throwing back whiskeys for breakfast. Turns out he has a grudge with Regina too. After he was humiliated at the sheriff elections he decided to expose her for the corrupt mayor she is, to no avail. She found him out and fired him. Now, Sidney’s looking to partner up with Emma to take her down through some good old dirt-digging. Emma declines, claiming she wants to take her down without getting her hands dirty, but when she sees Henry’s playground is demolished and his book (THE BOOK) missing from its hiding place, she decides all bets are off.

As mentioned, we meet Genie this week who is Sidney’s alter ego (played by the supremely talented Giancarlo Esposito, who found his career-defining role as Gus in AMC’s “Breaking Bad”). As we know from prior installments (so don’t be shocked) Sidney is the magic mirror to Regina’s Evil Queen. This sets up easily the show’s most effective twist on conventional fairy tales, The Genie becomes the mirror. And despite this nugget not being concealed, I was still enthralled by the how of it all. The genie is summoned from the lamp and appears before King Leopold, father of Snow White. Esposito’s take on Genie is refreshing, he too wishes to be broken from the shackles of his gig, but this Genie isn’t masking his longing with cheer and improvisational humor. This guy is unenthused and apathetic. He recites his spiel about his magic’s limitations sans gusto. Being a kind royal, who wants for nothing (though it’s much easier to be humble when you’re royalty though) Leopold wishes for Genie’s freedom, a gesture that delights our not-so-blue friend. With his second wish he grants that his third wish be given to the Genie to use. Genie is again grateful, but asserts he will never use it. He’s granted 1001 wishes, and all of them have had grave consequences. Without much purpose to pair with his newfound liberty, Leopold offers to make him a member of his court where he’s certain he’ll find the one wish Genie cannot grant for himself, true love.

Making a brief appearance in the real world is Mary Margaret who meets up with David for a surprise picnic at the place where they first met, the ever-romantic toll bridge. Mary Margaret, amidst a flurry of kisses, wonders if they should face the reality that he is married, but David just wants to love her guilt-free so they push worry off to tomorrow. Mary Margaret also delivers possibly the funniest line of the night, when she see Sidney and Emma sifting through public records to discover any seeds of wrongdoing: “Yeah, maybe you’re doing something wrong, but if it’s right and it’s meant to be, does that make you a bad person?” Ha! Oh, Mary Margaret, even when you’re a mistress tortured by guilt and shame, you’re cute as a button. Meanwhile, Sidney seems convinced that this $50,000 of unappropriated funds will be the Mayor’s undoing, the “crack in the mirror” (ughhhhh…but I’m letting go…). When Emma questions why Sidney ever got in her pocket in the first place he more organically alludes to the parallel story, “I used to think she was a different person.”

Here we start to feel for Evil Queen (EQ). At some festivity, we see the King waxing philosophic about his daughter’s unmatched beauty, but then he strikes at EQ’s self-esteem saying Snow is a constant reminder of his “fairest of them all” first wife, and her mother. EQ has no place in his court, or in his heart. She is trapped in an essentially loveless marriage, or at least one where she will always play second fiddle. Genie runs after her into her courtyard where the soon-to-be poisonous apple tree grows. He lifts her spirits by gifting her a mirror, so that she may see what he sees, the true “fairest of them all.”

In Storybrooke, Emma confronts Regina directly about the missing funds. Regina is quick with an alibi, saying the record of the transaction was burned in the fire that got her elected. While leaning against her desk, Emma plants a bug so she can intercept some clue of where she allocated the money. When she overhears a phone call about a roadside meeting, she and Sidney spring into action. While heading to the location, the brakes fail on Emma’s car and Sidney immediately notices they were tampered with and that Regina must have discovered the bug. Coincidentally, Mr. Gold is out by the roadside. He informs them that the mayor met with him to buy his land. He also warns about emotional entanglements, and how they can distort the truth and people will get hurt. Unconvinced, Emma heads for Regina’s office and breaks in. She gathers any files related to the land grab off her computer, but not before running into Regina herself. Emma, quick-witted, conjures up a tale about a teenage prank that Sidney had witnessed. Across town, we also get a short glimpse of Mysterious Writer/ Biker Dude who bumps into Henry who is trying to record the details of THE BOOK, in case it isn’t found. When “Oh Precocious One” grills the man with the box about why he is here, he mocks the child, “Stuff.”

The Evil Queen’s father makes a surprise visit, dropping in on Genie when he expected a rendezvous with the Queen. The King has pilfered his wife’s diary and has knowledge about a man who has stolen her heart. He recognizes that he can never love EQ like she deserves, but he’s still aghast at her betrayal. He charges Genie, whom he trusts, to sniff out this mystery man. In response, EQ’s father has come to deliver his daughter a package, a way out of this prison of a life, an escape from her own form of servitude. When she opens the box we find two Agrabah vipers. For those with a working knowledge of Disney, Agrabah is the homeland of the Genie. EQ’s plan is to kill herself with one venomous bite, but Genie stops her. Clearly enamored with her, he offers to kill the king himself by setting the vipers loose on him. In this scene in particular we see another side of Regina/EQ, one who is stricken with sadness, but oozes sensuality as she brushes against Genie’s cheek and embraces him for his selflessness: a deep contrast to the shrill, unabashedly evil Regina that has inhabited every other episode. The added dimension is well executed and goes a long way to establishing a character we can invest in instead of just emphatically opposing.

Then the entanglements Mr. Gold forewarned of begin to unravel. At a city council meeting, Emma and Syndey speak up, exposing Regina’s plans to build a second home in the woods with taxpayer money. Unphased, Regina retorts she is indeed building a house. A PLAYHOUSE. OH SNAP! She circumvented the city governance so she could get the project underway quicker, so that the town’s children would have a safe place to play. Disgraced and defeated, Emma loses not just her plot for revenge, but Henry as well. Regina blackmails Emma with evidence that she did truly break-in to her office and bans her from seeing Henry for an undetermined period of time. The one ray of hope she clings to is that Sidney is her ally now, and no longer Regina’s spy. Earlier, he had pulled out a shoebox of photos he had taken of Emma while under Regina’s employ, tracking Emma’s every move so she could prevent her from getting close to Henry.

With a powerful ally, Emma has the strength she needs to stand up to Regina when the time is right. Except, the last scene of the episode suggest differently. Sidney is seated before a mirror in Regina’s office and he reports that “she bought it,” he has earned Emma’s trust and holds a tape recordings of all their meetings. Regina is as unstoppable as ever, now she can track the sheriff’s every move and will always be one step ahead. What seemed like a foregone conclusion, Emma’s penetration of Regina’s facade, now seems improbable. With a well-established network of watchful eyes, Regina seems to have an unrelinquishing grasp on her power, and Emma. Although, mysterious writer/biker dude may be the thorn in her side. We get a quick glimpse of the all-important box, the one that last week held a typewriter. Now it holds… THE BOOK! WHAAAAATTTTT? Stay tuned, as they say.

The twist with the most payoff though, was in the fairyback. Genie sicks the vipers on his dear friend and they both dig their fangs into his neck causing an almost instant death. In his last moments though, Genie expresses his regret. He acknowledges that he’s forever indebted for the freedom the king granted him, but that he had to do the same for his queen, and break her chains as well. And as the king’s life is sucked out, he reminds Genie of another way he could have freed her. His last wish from the map. Damn. Either Genie was too gosh darn stubborn or too caught up to use it, but that would have been a more civil route to go. When he rushes to his love’s side to tell her the good news, she appears in more despair than before. The guards know the vipers are of Genie’s homeland, and that he will be executed. She offers him safe passage, but Genie is connecting the dots. Of all the snakes she could have picked, she picked those from Agrabah. She set him up. She never loved him at all, and used him to kill the king. EQ acknowledges this, and erases any possibility he could ever be in her life. But Genie has his one last trick up his lamp. He uses his last wish to grant that he will be by her side always, and that every day he will look upon her. And the magic of FTL does grant him this. He is to be stuck inside her mirror for the rest of his life. The show has introduced a litany of grim ways that magic has haunted these characters that have relied on it for solutions to their ills, but never has it been more tragic than when this man, recently freed, is once again enslaved. But this time, it was of his own will. He could not live without her, now he certainly cannot.

“7:15 A.M” delivered for me last week, but with this episode coming in consecutive weeks, I’m sure that it was no fluke. Appealing to pathos once again, the show struck a chord by sticking with the cliched but proven conceit that love can be the grandest magic in the world, but it can also inflict the greatest of pains. The fate of unrequited love has never been pretty, and I’m glad OUAT was bold enough to confront it. For the second week in a row I have reason to celebrate the achievements of a series that has labored through much of its first few months for my approval, and frankly the approval of many critics. But I’m confident that this week many others will be singing it’s praises. Surely, Regina cannot become a totally different character and will continue to thwart any of my attempts to like her or root for her success, but I can’t imagine this show is striving for that sort of moral ambiguity. At any rate, for this week I was again delighted to delve into both worlds (more so with the FTL because of the world-building and tragedy), and I’m excited for where the series can go from here in defying expectation now that they are ironically freed from its constraints. For allowing the captivating Giancarlo Esposito the space to play, for expanding our conception of the Queen’s capabilities, and for feeling like the gust of fresh air the show set out to be at its inception, OUAT repeats its success with a second straight triumph over my preconceived notions. I mean, the dialogue is still wooden; and much of my interest in the real world activity is riding on potential plot threads, my parallel investment in the FTL, and my admiration for a few performances. No buts about it though, the “fruits” of their labor have earned them a B+.

Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) looking so darling it hurts, as a dove delivers her a message from her true love.

Readers, as I have mentioned in previous posts, I feel like we have a good thing going. I can share with you all the kinds of things one doesn’t divulge at dinner parties. I can open up to you with no fear of reprisal. Therefore, it is without hesitation that I confess to you…I’m a sucker for love stories. Yes, it’s true. I come off like a cynic, someone without a soft spot, someone who shuns things like cuddling and soul mates (because only those who believe in fate find pleasure in holding loved ones in their arms…icky). When you break down my grisly exterior, however, you will find a man who always cries at the end of The Notebook. A man who just last night screamed at his television while watching “Lost in Translation,” “What did Bill Murray whisper to Scarlett Johansson goddamit!” I am also the type of man who would dig tonight’s episode. One filled with the pain of unrequited affections, as well as the kind of forbidden romance you only find in fairy—son of a gun.

Needless to say, if they were looking for some good pub they came to the right…well, let’s pretend I have clout…critic. I was additionally surprised I enjoyed this episode so much because after last week’s turd in a punchbowl I was dreading this week. Perhaps if I watched previews I would have known we’d return to the only thing I’m invested in, Mary & David/Snow & Charming. Exacerbating my bias was the fact that Championship Sunday was as thrilling as its been in years. Both games decided by a field goal, one missed and one made. The second game was even in overtime. I found religion today and my Lord is the NFL. So how could this shaky family drama possibly hold my attention? First, by featuring the show’s best (never mind cutest) actors and by providing us with reasons to care about a relationship we already know is destined.

We resume with whom last week left us, scratching our heads, The Stranger. Or as I call him, Mysterious Biker Dude. Dude is fixing his chopper outside Regina and Henry’s residence when Oh Precocious One inquires as to what he is doing here? Dude smugly answers, “Fixing my bike,” and divulges no more information. Regina seems legitimately concerned that she doesn’t know who this guy is. Maybe he’s not connected with FTL (Fairy Tale Land) in any way? Also, there’s the whole stranger talking to my kid angle, so she may be onto something. From there, we enter the abode of the strong, sure-assured females (in all seriousness I suppose we should commend OUAT for portraying women with such agency in a show centered around stories that reenforce the most basic gender expectations) that save the show from vacuous oblivion, Mary Margaret and Emma. Mary Margaret wakes up in a tizzy because she is late. She claims she promised some of her students she’d help them with their science fair project (isn’t that cheating!) before school at 7:15. Emma scoffs that they can wait, and with one of the better lines, Mary replies, “Uh, we’re building a volcano.” Ha, because that’s a big deal, but not really. Get it? Okay, so I find Ginnifer Goodwin to be adorable. Sue me!

Turns out she isn’t meeting up with her students. Shocker, right? She sits down with a book at the coffee shop and pretends to read. Lo and behold, David walks through the door.She’s stalking him! How adorable! He says good morning, she asks how his job at the animal shelter is, he says the apes haven’t taken over yet. HA! Oh what a charming fellow. Well I’ll be they did it again! In FTL, he IS Charming. Oh dear. Anyway, she plays it off like it’s no thang and Emma walks in wondering where that volcano is. Mary fesses up that she comes at 7:15 A.M so that she can run into him. Aw…honey, he’s gonna file a restraining order! No, but Emma is much more supportive. She commiserates that love is indeed, the worst, and Mary sends us into the other realm with a you-can’t-miss-it cue: “I wish there was a magic cure.” Bet you can guess what the fairyback is about!

Thankfully, it isn’t quite that simplistic. We meet up with Snow as she is delivered her food run by Little Red Riding Hood. She also sneaks her intel about the upcoming royal wedding, in which “the love of her life whom she met but once” is the bridegroom. Snow agonizes like Mary about trying to forget that sexy-ass man. Red alludes that there might be a way, but chickens out. Snow then reminds her that she helped her when no one else would. This intrigued me because obviously the way to avoid becoming stale is to reinvent the familiar tales within an original mythology. The idea that there is an interconnectedness seems to be coming into focus so I don’t mind the vague references, for now. Not so surprisingly, good ole Rumpelstiltskin is the man with the drugs she needs to forget that one night stand with the rugged woodsman. When she finds Rumpy in a not at all shady dock covered in fog he provides her with a potion that will not only mend her broken heart, but she will forget who he is entirely. All he asks for is a strand of her hair. Either Rumpy has become a pedophile or maybe we should keep that in the back of our minds. Before she scurries off though, the impish dealmaker leaves her with parting words of wisdom, “Love is the most powerful magic there is. Love has killed more than any disease.”

Next, we pop in on the man of the hour, Prince James, who is peering out on his balcony broodingly. King George (Alan Dale, who played the wealthy and powerful Charles Widmore on “Lost”) presents him with a peace offering, a crown crafted by King Midas, his soon to be father-in-law. As fans of the show may remember, four episodes ago Prince James agreed to marry Kind Midas’ daughter Abigail as a show of good faith that they would enter an allegiance that benefits the prosperity of both kingdoms. James is sprung on Snow though, and resents his adoptive father for forcing him into forsaking her. He mocks the Midas crown rebuking that, “You could feed the kingdom for an entire winter with that crown.” Ugh, so he’s one of those annoying 99 percenters, huh? In all seriousness, I was mildly enthralled by the politics of it all, and how the King talked about the responsibility that comes with all that wealth. On another show, it might have carried more weight, but here it establishes the futility of Snow and Charming ever resuming their tryst. Ever persistent, James sends a dove with a letter for Snow. Like carrier pigeons, but more regal. The note reaches Snow just before she is about to down her potion. What she reads gives her renewed faith that they can be together, despite the odds. He asks her to come to his room that night so he knows she feels as strongly as he does.

While Mary is shopping for Apollo chocolate bars (a nod to the made-up brand featured in “Lost”) she bumps into Kathryn, David’s wife. As they sort through their stuff she stumbles upon a pregnancy test. She leaves and goes to clear her by walking though the woods (aw, the parallels) and hears a dove trapped in some wiring. It’s the same goddamn dove isn’t it. Yup, and even cheesier, when she brings the injured bird to the animal shelter (wait David works th—I know!) the doctor tells her that physically the bird will heal, but this particular dove is of a breed that develops highly monogamous relationships. If not reunited with her flock, she will be forever alone. Oh my god! The bird is just like MARY! Yeah, that hammer in your head isn’t a headache, it’s OUAT writers cramming in a metaphor.

Mary runs off, feeling akin to the bird’s struggle (I don’t know why their paths don’t intersect, like, at all) wanting to give the dove a chance at finding its loved ones. Mary slips and falls, barely hanging on to a cliff’s edge when DAVID ARRIVES! Convenient, yes. But he apparently followed her out of concern from the shelter. The cliff being a metaphor for her hanging onto feelings for David though? Kind of a stretch, don’t you think? Then like clockwork the rain comes down and they take shelter in an abandoned cabin. At this point, I grew worried this might be the beginning of a tremendously high-budget porno. Instead, Mary admits why she’s been so distant. It’s too painful to see him when they can’t be together. And yet she tortures herself by going to the coffee shop ay 7:15 every morning to see him. He laughs. “I go to the coffee shop at 7:15 every morning to see you.” My eyes rolled and I recited the line as he said it. Clearly telegraphed. And yet, it worked.

I can’t explain it, I just care about these darn kids, and I want them to be happy. The chemistry between the actors is palpable, Ginnifer is ridiculously cute as mentioned, and honestly they didn’t have to try so hard. As the kiss we all needed to relive our sexual tension was upon us, Mary thwarted it. She can’t break up Kathryn and David especially when they might be having a baby. David was unaware, but it changes things. They have to forget each other. Despite the new stakes, he resists. He explains the duality inside him in obvious terms that allude to the curse, but it nails the sentiment for me as it evokes the central question of the series thus far, “Who’s to say which one is real?” I won’t detail this theory again, but I still hope the show is moving toward this question about whether happily ever afters are not all they are cracked up to be, and that maybe it is only in the “real world” that we can find something genuinely worthwhile.

As Snow attempts to sneak into King George’s castle, Snow is locked up. Her cellmate? GRUMPY (Lee Arenberg, as seen in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies)! Grumpy tells Snow a hell of a tale about how he ended up there, blinded by love, and due to their instantaneous camaraderie, he breaks her out when his pal, Stealthy (the awesomest eight dwarf) springs him. As luck would have it, the eight dwarf doesn’t last long (gee, wonder what the point was cutting them to seven) and is killed by an arrow. Snow leverages Grumpy’s freedom for her own capture and King George presents her with an impossible choice. Either she tells the Prince that she does not love him, or Charming gets the ax. He reasons that if an assassin kills the Prince he will be viewed as a martyr and Midas will keep the alliance in his sacrifice. Because she doesn’t want to harm the one she loves, Snow lets him down easy. Not at all actually. “Fill your heart with love for someone else, someone who can love you the way I never have. The way I never will.” BOOM. He cries, she cries when she walks away, but she gains friends in the now seven dwarves. Grumpy also offers up some pretty sound advice for the grieving beauty, “I don’t want want my pain erased. It’s what makes me who I am. It makes me…Grumpy.” Yeah, it’s hokey. And when it’s supposed to be heartfelt you are focused on the pun, but it is an apt lesson about heartbreak.

While all the heartbreaking and mending is happening we do learn a bit about The Stranger too. Played by Eion Bailey,  he’s a charismatic fellow, but he’s also a sarcastic bastard. Perfect for Emma, who has a witty repartee with him. He agrees to tell her what is in his case if she shows him hers. Nah, but he does want to buy her a drink sometime. So she agrees and he reveals a typewriter. He’s a pretentious douchebag writer who stills uses a typewriter. He finds inspiration in the whimsy of Storybrooke, I guess. But when Emma asks if he has been there before, he evades the question.

The episode that jerked my heart around then ends with two last rips at my sensitivity and further emasculates me by making me care. Kathryn and David attempt to reconcile in a touching scene where both put their cards on the table and agree to do marriage counseling with Dr. Hopper/Jiminy Cricket. He also makes the conscious choice to avoid the coffee shop at 7:15. Mary, reluctantly does the same, Emma holding her hand through it. When they both decided enough time has passed it is 7:45, and they both run into each other anyway. Again, OBVIOUS metaphor for fate, but it was exactly the sort of chance resolution we all wanted deep down. They realize it is useless, they can’t avoid each other. What follows is both exactly what I might have dreamed of and not what I wanted at all. David blurts out, “Kathryn isn’t pregnant,” and with that particular barrier gone they kiss like it’s Smooch City, spinning around like nobody is watching, except someone totally is! Regina! How could they be so careless! Clearly, both of them aren’t concerned about Kathryn at all. It sort of invalidated the whole struggle before that with such an easy payoff, that didn’t involve any real shifts in circumstance from where we started. Except Regina’s got blackmail to spare. What a witch.

But then they did this. Prince Charming atop his trusty steed speeds through the forest and happens upon Snow’s cottage. Red Riding Hood is there instead and he professes that it matters not what Snow said, he won’t give up. If it wasn’t meant to be, he would seem mad clingy. The wedding is off! Cut to the dwarves hovel, where Grumpy rushes in to Snow’s bedroom to give her the great news that the and that her love awaits. Snow appears groggy. She turns to him. “Who?” She tried to find solace at the bottom of the vial. Completely ignoring Grumpy’s whole spiel about using the pain to make you stronger, she gave in and downed the whole love vaccine. NOW WHAT?

This was my favorite episode so far. No doubt. Here’s why. In ten episodes, I’ve come to terms with a few things. One, for whatever reason, the effects on this show make “Lost”  look like a feature film. This week, when they were walking through the caverns under the castle, and when the Prince rode his horse through the woods, the edges around the actors was ablaze with digital blur. Second, the dialogue is corny as hell. And not subtle. The juxtapostion of the worlds will be pointed out brutally, as if I forgot what show I was watching. And subtext will likely be zero to none. Actually, I hope it will be from hereon. The metaphors they tried in this episode were laughably inelegant. The bird, the storm, the cliff. I practically wrote those in fourth grade. But regardless of all these shortcomings I enjoyed the time spent. There were sudden reversals of fortune, there was an ending in the FTL that felt a tad Shakespearean in how it seemed tragically unavoidable, and above all it made me care about Mary/David & Snow/Charming to an embarrassing degree that I wouldn’t acknowledge outside this column. If OUAT can keep me invested in what becomes of these people, as their journey towards salvation or simple happiness becomes murky on the horizon, I will stay the course. This show will probably never be great, or win a prestigious award, but if it accomplishes this level of legitimate   feeling regularly it will be fun, and a hit, among a wide range of audiences. If this were a show with higher expectations this would be marked down more severely for its inattention to detail, but for its most appealing episode to date and for making me break down as if Taylor Swift were my gospel, I begrudgingly admit this was a B+.

The Blind Witch (Emma Caulfield) senses the presence of yummy children.

*Exasperated sigh*

So, for those of you who read my review of last week’s episode…remember all that goodwill that OUAT built up? They caught me fresh off some new year’s resolutions, a fun trip to Disney World, and legitimately entertained me with Rumpelstiltskin’s backstory, while also establishing a potential arc when Emma defied Mr. Gold and he proclaimed himself a worse enemy to have than Regina. Well, all that goodwill has been wasted, and in many ways I am officially mad at this show. The only bright spots for me were the usual: great rapport between Emma (Jennifer Morrison) and Mary Margaret (Ginnifer Goodwin, who this show needs to highlight more or perish), and the subversion of happily-ever-after in the FTL (Fairy Tale Land). And the only other consistent silver lining, the Mary/David relationship was on hiatus.

Equally disappointing was the lost potential. Not only was the source material the eepy-cray “Hansel and Gretel” story, but comedic talent Emma Caulfield (know for her work on “Buffy”) was playing the Blind Witch. I was geared up for the best fairyback yet, and for the show to finally embrace the dark side of the Force. Alas, this was the biggest letdown since “Terriers” got cancelled (anybody catch that show on FX last year? Awesome detective show. Really great writing, intense drama. Would have been a great, classic series). As mentioned there was subversion of the expected, but it was as slight as that sliver of cake your grandma takes at every birthday.

Hansel and Gretel are not kicked out of their parent’s home. They lose their father in the woods after searching for kindling. When they wander onto the main road for their search they are almost hit by the Evil Queen’s carriage (dressed in some S&M meets horse riding garb that screams someone wants to fool around in the stables). She scolds the children for impeding her path and even tries to capture them, but they scrap their way out from her guards’ grasps and instead uses magic (which is unclear because we have no idea the limitations of her power so nothing surprises us) to tie them up in tree roots. She first commends them for their ingenuity, but then offers a deal. If they go retrieve something for her, she will help them find their father. Gretel in particular does not want to help the villainess, but she knows no other way to find her father now that the compass he bestowed upon her has been broken in the scrum. EQ then outlines the task at hand: steal something from the Blind Witch for her, bring it back to her, and she will use her infinite evil resources to find Dad.

Here’s where obvious, parallel real-world scenario comes into play. Henry is perusing the local comic book joint (comics shown include recent Hulk issues written by fellow LOST alum, Damon Lindeloff) when he runs into a boy and a girl (wow, those kids look like Hansel and Gret—oh, yeah) about his age. The girl befriends him and asks if he wishes to come to their house to play. Henry, who with his fairy tale obsession must be a loner, is thrilled. But when leaving the store, the clerk makes him empty his backpack. Turns out the stranger’s kindness was a con to help steal food and supplies. Eva and Nicholas fib to Sheriff Emma that they were stealing to help their parents who are financially burdened. Apparently, Emma, who has been duped often by Storybrooke’s seedier characters, professes her bullshit-detecting powers  and follows through when she pulls off after dropping the kids at their “house” and then sneaks into the house to get the real story. Obviously, they’re orphans. Their mother is gone and they squat in their former home. Emma, who was an orphan herself, is sympathetic and decides to let them stay with Mary Margaret/Snow White Mom and her. Many might be put off by her extremely harsh opinions of the foster care system that follow. I grant you, I have a close friend who has a foster kid and is not grabbing for cash, but it is understandable how someone within could develop such a beef with that system. Because of this staunch opposition she refuses to abide by Mayor Regina’s proposition which is to put them in separate homes (the closest are in Boston).

EQ, back in FTL, warns the kids about the “special properties” of The Blind Witch’s house. “No matter how tempted you may be, you must not eat anything.” Of course, once inside they find the black satchel the Queen s desires, but as Gretel fingers it, Nicholas eats a blue-frosted cupcake and wakes the Blind Witch who immediately sniffs them out. When she locks them in a cupboard as she prepares dinner she offers up the strangely hysterical question, “Gravy or butter?” As in, would you rather be lathered in gravy or butter. Gretel then sacrifices herself and steals the key from the witch, tossing it to her brother who then breaks out. After a struggle that never seemed to have any real stakes despite the witch having weird powers to move things and throw projectiles, the kids push the witch into the oven. Then through the mirror the EQ herself hurls a fireball (apparently the mirror, like in Blue’s Clues, has the ability to transcend time and space) and burns her alive inside the oven. I suppose this would seem more ironic if it weren’t so telegraphed. Then EQ delivers her groaner of the week: “I would have gone with gravy.” The much funnier line is delivered after when she stalks Snow White via the mirror and quips, “She’s cavorting with dwarfs now, when did that happen?” I actually laughed out loud.

In her efforts to spite foster care everywhere, Sheriff Emma searches for Eva and Nicholas’ pops. Along the way, Helper Henry (who was surprisingly interesting this week, but this could have been that the other child characters this week were so stale) asks Emma about his dad. Emma, not having the heart to disappoint him makes up a story about how he was a fireman trying to save a family from a burning building. “He is the true hero, not me.” After vomiting in my mouth from all the manufactured cuteness, I wished so hard that she was BSing the kid, and it turns out she was. She reveals as much when she talks to gal pal/Mom (weird, huh?) about her own trials in the foster care system, and reveals that Henry theorizes Emma may be Mary daughter in FTL. Ginnifer Goodwin does a beautiful job subtly conveying in her eyes and gestures that she is curious and maybe even a little excited about the prospect. Of course, what the show needs to realize is that this feeling is done by showing, not telling. With models like Horowitz and Kitsis, who know the power of a striking look from LOST, David Goodman and Liz Tigelaar, should have employed this technique more, but alas we only get the real character development and emotional ploy when Mary Margaret is around. *Deeper sigh*

Also derived from the conversation was Emma’s strategy to find their dad. Apparently every orphan has some memento that was given to them by their birthparents. This seems highly unlikely, but I rolled with it. Fortunately, Eva has a compass (JUST LIKE GRETEL…oh, yeah) that she has carried with her since she was little. When Emma brings it to Mr. Gold, he is able to pinpoint the person who bought that exact compass from him. His price? Simply forgiveness for last week’s political shenanigans. Emma offers up tolerance, and he accepts. There is, a twist though. When they show the card he pulled that supposedly had the name on it, it appears blank. WHERE DOES HE GET HIS INFORMATION?! THIS WAS THE ONLY THING THAT EXCITED ME ALL EPISODE! The name she was given leads her to a mechanic in town. Oh, yeah. Henry knew he would be in town because part of the curse is no one can leave or come in. Thanks Exposition Helper Henry! When Emma reveals the existence of his two kids to the grease monkey he is predictably reluctant. Defeated, and unwilling to break the hearts of the children she says she never found him and prepares to drive them to Boston. However, she has a trick up her sleeve. As they are about to cross the Storybrooke border, Emma pretends the engine has stalled and calls for a tow. Guess who comes? No. No. No, not Rumpel—yes, the father! Finally. Anyway, he has a sudden change of heart when he looks at their downtrodden and pouty faces and decides he can raise them! What an unexpected surpr—oh who am I kidding.

As for our FTL alter egos, Hansel and Gretel, when they hand over the satchel, anticipates the Queen who pulls a fast one. After opening the satchel to reveal an apple (clearly the poison apple, or as she calls it, “a weapon,” she claims she has a “better idea” that they can stay with her! Nicholas seems intrigued by the riches by always the rebellious and boisterous type, Gretel resists her evil temptations just like at the Witch’s house. In her anger she casts them off in a poorly CGI-ed tornado and releases their father from her custody. NO WAY! No, but yeah I knew that too. I mean, she was right there when they couldn’t find him…*breathes deeply*…I’m calm now. Anyway, she casts him off too when he answers her question, “Why wouldn’t they stay with me” with “Family always finds each other.” Then in anti-climactic fashion she plops him in the expansive forest so that they can search for each other FOREVER. Or you know, until they find each other, whichever.

Then there’s the matter of the enigmatic biker dude that arrives at the very end. Clealrly, the episode itself held no intrigue or suspense on its own so they leave us with he cliffhanger of who is this dude who has come into town. BUT WAIT! How did he do that? Emma was the first stranger to come into town…ever. How did this man get there? Could this mean legitimate mystery has found its way into the show. Ehh, maybe.

My main gripe with this episode is the lack of recognition for what they could have done. They phoned this one in. I found my self singing “If only, if only” the whole hour. If only they had utilized Emma Caulfield better, and hadn’t given her corn-fest lines. If only Hansel and Gretel, an inherently dark fairy tale was actually scary. I never felt imminent danger. If only they had stopped trying to pull a fast one in the real-world plot with the lazy, predictable reversals. Oh she mad up a story about his father. Duh. The dad is gonna take them after all? Well, to create an hour-long conflict. And either of those things might not have felt so cheap if they felt less like plot points and more like actual emotions and struggles for these characters. But neither the mechanic nor Emma (Morrison’s ability to stretch the material can only go so far) made feel as though their reversals were earned or even really a consequence of anything. I was satisfied when  Emma had another opportunity to tell Henry the truth, and didn’t, but besides the obvious the why (?) still escapes me and not in a ambiguous sense, but in an unaddressed sense.

Thankfully, next week, we will be back to basics. Previews suggest another Snow White/Charming and Mary/David episode and most of the show’s energy lies with Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas’ chemistry so hopefully that will help bridge the gap. For this week, though, the fairyback was anti-climactic. The real-world plot revealed nothing plot or character wise, and what little joy I had came mostly from one loud guffaw (the cavorting with dwarfs line) and when we got to see of that budding Gilmore Girls-lite relationship between Emma and Mary Margaret. Even when this show is technically frustrating there is fun to be had, but very little kept this episode from slipping into D (as in damn that sucked) territory. But for making it out in one piece, with a couple mysterious threads hanging loose (Gold’s blank card, Henry’s father’s REAL story, and who this foreign biker dude is) My extra credit will allow OUAT to cling a second chance at life, with the promise of a better tomorrow (next week’s return to Mary/David adorability).

The newly evil Rumpelstiltskin surveys the soldiers he has just slayed.

Hmmm, what pop culture reference should I use to indicate that my weekly episode reviews have returned? A variation of “Here’s Johnny?” Maybe play off of the “back from outer space” line from “I Will Survive?” Or should I pay homage to “It’s Britney, b***h!” How about, Chris is back, back again. Chris is back, tell a friend. Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back…

Nobody? Eminem? “Without Me?” From “The Eminem Show?” I don’t even know you people anymore.

Anyway, TV has returned from it’s holiday break as we have, and the midseason premiere of OUAT was a grim reminder. Incidentally, that might work for this show, though it may seem counterintuitive with its direct competitor being fairy-tale filled procedural, Grimm. Sorry, I had to.

We begin with the sadistic host of “Let’s Make a Deal,” Rumpelstilitlskin in a more humbling form. This fairyback (fairy tale flashback for those who lost their short-term memory while gaining holiday weight) harkens back to a simpler time for Rumpy when he was still on his spindle, but living in the countryside, spooling coveted wool. Alas, beyond the hillside the Ogre Wars are taking the lives of countless youth (I need a spinoff directed by Peter Jackson please…post haste!) and the Duke is rounding up girls and boys as young as fourteen to join in the cause. Here the episode went strangely political, condemning the military industrial complex (not really) as Rumpy grew worried for his son (GASP), dreading the day of his fourteenth birthday in just 3 days, when he too would be forced to fight. When he tries to whisk his son away, running from his problems, the Duke’s entourage finds Rumpy and berates him, They tease him about his name, his limp and how he went AWOL and lost his wife due to his cowardice. The wounds are still fresh for him, but the shame doesn’t stop him from submitting himself before the Duke and kissing his boot upon request. Afterwards, an old beggar (played by Brad Dourif) gives him shelter, and his ominous yet comforting speech implies he may have more to offer him.

Meanwhile in present time “real world” Maine, Emma, (and Regina superficially) are mourning the death of Sheriff Graham. Emma after two weeks though feels it is time to take up his mantle and protect the citizens of Storybrooke, but Regina will tolerate nothing of the sort. She ousts her, appointing Sydney Glass (played by the brilliant Breaking Bad alum Giancarlo Esposito), editor-in-chief at the Storybrooke Daily (wait for it) Mirror (The queen’s magic mirror is his fairy tale land persona). Emma is surprisingly behind the 8-ball on this one, and sort of just gives in to mindless brooding before pawn shop owner and Rumpy’s real world alter-ego, Mr. Gold, offers Emma his services as benefactor. He’s like a local government level lobbyist without a finite cause, but it doesn’t stop him from corrupting and extorting! His first act as the OUAT version of Karl Rove is to point out what seemed obvious to me, Regina is overextending her mayoral authority. As the town charter states: the mayor can nominate a candidate, but the town must ultimately decide by election. Now Emma’s back in the running and the Queen smells something fishy. Actually more like sheepy…since he using that sheep crap oil to stain woodwork…oh never mind.

Back in the FTL (the much less crunk cousin of the ATL), the Old Beggar plays the role of “tell us exactly what’s about to happen” Man by encouraging Rumpy to take another path besides flight. I enjoyed Robert Carlyle as Rumps very much in this scene. Sure he consumes the small screen with his over-the-top style, but I genuinely pitied this man, and identified with his struggle, whereas most of the fairy tale characters have displayed such naivete that their descent into evildoings did not surprise nor pain. Beggar, who is suspiciously knowledgeable (foreboding) tells of a magic dagger that when possessed controls the will of the biggest Sauron rip-off EVER a.k.a The Dark One. Currently, it is the Duke and champion of the Ogre Wars who owns the dagger. Without it, he would be powerless to whomever owned it. Rumpy shies away from being the slavemaster of pure evil (which sort of sounds like a redundancy), and Beggar proffers that instead of harnessing the power he can take it for himself. How may you ask? Well, Rumpy tells us five minutes later (through his exposition to his son) that if he uses the dagger to kill The Dark One, he shall become the new Dark One. Of course Rumps believes he can use the power to bring all of the drafted children back to their parents, so for good. Obviously this won’t happen, and the son already starts to question his father’s motives, probing him about if his mother really died or just left him due to shame. He mumbles that she is dead, which doesn’t seem to comfort the boy. So what’s the plan? Apparently these magical fortresses are made of half wood, so….burn baby burn!

Over in high stakes, yet no stakes, Storybrooke the campaign for Sheriff is in full swing. Regina wastes no time in beginning her smear campaign for The Chicken Man—Sorry, wrong and infinitely better show (Breaking Bad is awesome)—I mean, Sydney Glass, using anonymous sources to divulge that Henry, her adopted son, but natural son of Emma, was born in prison. Emma reluctantly admits to the boy that it’s true and starts for the first time to doubt whether their is any point to fighting his Evil Queen mother since she will always win if she continues to play dirty. This development was extremely encouraging to me, because since the pilot Henry would not shut his precious little mouth about how important it all was, about how good must triumph over evil, that Emma is the savior, blabitty blah blah blah. Needless to say when the kid started having some doubts I was THRILLED that maybe the kid, and the real world struggles would be more nuanced and not so dire all the time. Maybe we could just spend some time getting to know and love the characters of Storybrooke, maybe the whole parallel between FTL and real world would be less overt and the Queen could stop being so undoubetdly awful and might have I don’t know, some emotional complexity? Too much to ask probably, and not why people are tuning in I’m sure.

With Mr. Gold now in her corner though, he takes his steps towards amassing her political capital—by orchestrating a scenario where she saves Regina from a burning building. Wait what? Well, Gold sets up a contraption which creates a mini-explosion when one of the doors in City Hall opens creating a small wall of fire that he just KNEW Emma would be courageous enough carry her mortal enemy through. But how did he know Regina’s leg would get mildly crushed and she wouldn’t be able to walk. Also Emma is assuredly the kind of person who wouldn’t leave someone to die, but what if she were the one incapacitated, what if they both only had minor scratches and Regina walked out of her own accord? The idea behind it, that Gold would give Emma a chance to be the hero is an interesting commentary on public image in a time where the Republicans are scurrying about trying to find ANYONE who doesn’t harm conservative sensibilities, but logistically Gold couldn’t have “planned” that. It worked out nicely, but he is just too infallible of a evil mastermind, and his tactics required more than a Ben Linus-esque (LOST connections!) psychological manipulation (giving you an idea, and you making you believe it’s your own). Emma suspects Gold’s influence when she smells “that sheep crap oil” among the wreckage, and Gold neither denies nor confirms her suspicions with vague allusions to what he would have done if he had done it, doing a fine tribute to O.J. All Emma knows is she doesn’t want the kind of benefactor who will risk lives for a P.R. stunt.

In typical OUAT fashion, the parallels abound and Rumpy uses wool to burn down the half-wooden fortress of the Duke, all-too-easily stealing the dagger that reads the name of The Dark One—Zoso (okay…)—whom he summons so that he may steal his powers. It is revealed when Rumpy stabs him that…Yup, we ALL guessed it, the old beggar. Apparently being evil is quite the burden on your soul, and Bozo wanted out. We get beat over the head with the “Magic has a price” platitude again and Rumpy starts to bronze like Snooki, with even the same dead eyes. Then as his son is about to be forced into fighting the gruesome, red sky-inducing Ogre Wars, Rumpy appears for the first time in his Dark One form and slays all of the recruiters in epicly badass, and cheaply choreographed style, frightening his son of course with what he has become. Echoing Darth Vader, he loses all he loved and wished to protect because he sold his soul in order to protect it. But now as an audience we can all rejoice that swindling, murderous, greedy Rumpelstiltskin is BACK BABY.

Emma mulls over what to do about Gold’s PR bump as the debate nears and FINALLY we get the scene with the endearing friendship between her and Mary Margaret, where she opens up about why she even cares to be Sheriff. Her budding feelings for Graham aside, she wants to be someone in Henry’s life, even if she can’t be his mother. So instead she will be the hero. But what is the heroic thing to do? Then Archie (a.k.a Jiminy Cricket) begins as moderator absolutely infuriating me with “Use your conscience!” and a non-joke that incites, “Crickets.” Seriously, we get it! They are all fairy tale characters. Instead of making cheap allusions, maybe flesh out the personalities to create organic comparisons with their legendary traits? Yeah, they can’t hear me. After Glass recites overly rehearsed babble, Emma takes the stage and bravely divulges what really happened with that fire, implicating Gold, and even herself in the hoax. Gold leaves the audience, and Regina smiles devilishly. Due to the laws of  happily ever after though, Emma wins the election anyway, as her gall and fortitude shine through, endearing her to the people. Also…lucky for me…Henry is so encouraged by her willingness to stand up to evil he announces that Operation Cobra/Make everyone realize they are fairy tales, is back on! Goody!

Oh, and there’s one more thing. Remember how I didn’t buy that Gold could orchestrate her heroism in the first place, not being able to know for sure that the fire set-up would pan out? Well, it turns out that Gold planned all along for Emma to save Regina AND expose him for faking the danger for political gain. Huh? I mean I am familiar with long cons, and Horowitz and Kitsis had their fair share on LOST, but no way. Yes, there is a psychological precedent that Emma would behave that way, but there are so many variables, so many balls in the air there, I don’t know whether this reveal is absurdly awesome or awesomely absurd, but I bought it. If only because his goal was to make her Sheriff so that the favor she owes him, from WAY BACK in the season’s fourth episode where he pulled strings to make sure a pregnant girl (FTL’s Cinderella) kept her child, could be adequately handled from her position of authority.

Despite all the ways OUAT has opposite-of-shattered my expectations with its continued devotion to groanworthy character motivations and dialogue along with a rigid adherence to parallelism in its least subtle form I am encouraged by Rumpelstiltskin. He is a much more intriguing evil than the Queen by far. Whereas Regina/EQ makes her objectives  painfully obvious, and openly destroys lives to a point where a Storybrooke coup d’etat seems abundantly necessary, Rumps keeps his endgame close to the chest. Why did he make the curse in the first place? What vested interest does he have in the Queen’s success, or failure? And where the Queen’s personality is carbon copied in the real world, alter ego Mr. Gold seems to just be a more subdued Rumps, but is he? What could the favor he is holding against Emma have to do with his FTL prosperity? I am more interested in a con artist than I am someone who is openly ruining people’s lives. I fear more what I can’t see. Regina will be easy to defeat once these Storybrooke imbeciles wake up and smell the sheep crap oil!

OUAT continues to spurn my affections like an ex I don’t quite hate yet in retrospect, refusing to capitalize on its best attributes, (i.e. Mary and David, the cutest should-be couple ever, are only allotted a solid two minutes of very shoehorned interaction) and abusing me with its worst like its cheeseball plot twists and predictable storytelling. I’m continually encouraged though by the fairybacks’ subversion of happily ever after, even if the concept has already been beaten to death in it’s creators previous series (again, LOST, it’s wonderful). Now that the real world, despite its almost sitcom-like end-of-episode resolutions, has more at stake with Mr. Gold plainly stating that he is an even greater enemy than Regina, I finally feel like these somewhat lovable characters (mainly Emma and Mary Margaret) have something truly frightening to fight against beside Regina’s petty power trips. As the weeks go on she proves to be small potatoes, the popular girl who will always get her way until her adoring populace finds a more benevolent force to support. Adversely, Rumps/Mr. Gold is lurking in the shadows, unbeknownst to most, awaiting his chance to truly destroy any sense of tranquility these noble townsfolk once had. Mostly on this conditional basis of potential, and only partially for this episode’s intrinsic value, my “new year, new me’ positive outlook (not really) shines down favorably on a darkening, murky Storybrooke with a B*.

*A better overall show would have received a B-/C+for this quality of episode, but for a show this shaky in terms of finding its sweet spot, it’s one of it’s best efforts so far aside from the Cinderella episode, The Price of Gold.

Emma (Jennifer Morrison) looking shocked after Sheriff Graham (Jamie Dornan) almost hits her with a dart trying to get her attention.

I’m starting to wonder if this is how Kitsis and Horowotz pitched “OUAT” to ABC execs:

“Hey millionaires! So remember LOST? Yeah, that sci-fi mystery show that got you awards and viewers all at the same time? Well, picture this in those money-grubbing noggins of yours…we take the most infuriating elements of that show, the endless barrage of questions with no answers in sight, and instead of a magical island we have a world where fairy tales are real!”

The execs respond: “It’s gold! With Disney as our parent company we will have no problem gathering the licenses for a treasure trove of characters people already know and love. They will be falling over themselves to watch the old, familiar stories while sticking around hoping that there will be some sort of new development, but there will be practically none!” (Maniacal laugh)

No, but seriously, would you be surprised if that was true? Several times we get vague references to what Snow White did to the Queen to elicit her vengeful spirit, but we still don’t know what that is. The show has been dangling this mystery for 5 weeks now, and every time it’s referenced I thank that spot in the ceiling I stare at and call God that I won’t have to agonize anymore, and then those strumpets at the OUAT writing team tease me yet again! Wicked temptresses, for God’s sake just tell me what Snow White did to her! Twice this week you awkwardly addressed that hideous elephant and nothing! The huntsman asks the Evil Queen directly, “Why do you want her killed so badly, what could she have done to deserve your revenge?” I practically shoved my ear into the TV so I wouldn’t miss a word, but all that witch could say is, “I told her a secret, and she couldn’t keep it.” UGH. Yeah, because that’s something. Oh wait, except it’s not! What kind of answer is that? Did she spread a rumor that you have an STD?

Seriously, that just multiplies the possibilities. Before last night, Snow White had owned up to her crimes and the Evil Queen divulged that her life was ruined thanks to Snow, and that is why she deserves to be cursed, and honestly I would have been okay of they just said how right then and there. Let’s pretend for a second that I would watch this show if I wasn’t obligated. Well, I’m not tuning in to figure out if Snow White really deserves to be cursed. Sure, I would be intrigued if cute-as-a-button Ginnifer Goodwin had a dark streak to her, but that would only be a small facet of my overall intrigue. What I’m dying to know, is will these people ever go back to Fairy-Tale Land, or will the real world become their Happily-Ever-After. Their constant cloudiness over this motivation to enact the curse is a pretty insignificant lynchpin, and clearly a ploy to make us care about the show’s season-long arc. For me it is accomplishing the opposite. If the thing that sticks out most about an episode of television is what I didn’t get out, that’s an ominous sign: a foreshadowing that the show has no goddamn clue where it’s headed.

Thankfully, it wasn’t all stalling tactics and we had both our first major character death and the first recognition of their previous life. Once again stealing from the pages of LOST lore, Sheriff Graham (a.k.a The Huntsman in FTL, Fairy-Tale Land) gets his first flashes of his bow and arrow slinging past when he kisses Emma because he “needs to feel something.” This theme of the vulnerability of feelings would be shoved in to as much dialogue as humanly possible, but all the same it worked for me, primarily because of how the actors were allowed to play with the “walls” we put up to avoid pain. Jennifer Morrison and Ginnifer Goodwin steal the show as always with their dynamic, as Mary Margaret starts to reveal her maternal tendencies (her alter ego Snow White is mother to Morrison’s Emma) as she cautions Emma about the pitfalls of emotional barriers: “Those walls may not let in pain, but they also don’t let in love.” It’s simplistic, and something we all encounter when we figure out too late we’ve fallen to hard for someone, but it felt sincere and Morrison played it with the same sharp-tongued skepticism, with just a dash of optimism. Maybe she is willing to share her heart with the Sheriff, but just needs a little insurance so that she won’t get crushed.

For this week’s fairyback we meet said Sheriff’s FTL persona, The Huntsman. I was captivated by this tortured killing machine who was raised by wolves, but was slightly confused as to why a man who cries after his kills (which evokes for me the ritualistic respect Native Americans would give their prey) would make a perfect assassin for the Evil Queen. Regardless, he takes the job and leads Snow into the woods disguised as a knight. She calls his bluff though, pointing out his lack of condolences given for the death of her father. He chases her through the woods for a bit, and predictably corners her. He’s puzzled that she has stopped to write a letter, and Snow asks him to deliver it to the Queen along with her heart. Oh, yeah, one badass detail I totally dug was that the Queen collects the hearts of her victims. Sweeeeeet.

When the Huntsman reads the letter of forgiveness and remorse he’s understandably touched, and he spares her. He tries to dodge the consequences initially by giving his boss the heart of a stag, but she is not easily fooled. In her rage she rips his heart out with her bare hands (also pretty badass) and stores it in a chest on her wall of fame for hearts, I guess. From then on, he is without feeling and is bound to her as a sex slave. Gotta say the kinkiness and gore was a pleasant surprise as the fairybacks continue, IMO, to be the freshest and most thrilling part of the show. The continued subversion of the typical happy endings indicates to me that the show could delve deeper and become an honest examination of how fairy tales aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Here’s hoping.

Back in the less intriguing real world, Sheriff Graham has a vivid dream about a wolf while in bed with Regina (Evil Queen), still “trying to feel something.” And felt something he did indeed. Haha, oh sex humor. Anyways, the same wolf of his dreams appears to him in the streets and he starts to question what in the hell is happening? In his flash with Emma he saw himself lifting a knife up to stab someone who looked like Mary Margaret. He visits her, and we learn that no one seems to remember how they met each other in Storybrooke (more evidence of the curse), but otherwise she has no answers, but when he brings up past lives she directs him to Henry. Goddammit. Just when I thought it was going to be a Henry-free week. Much to the show’s credit though, we have been seeing less of him. Henry then shares The Huntsman’s story since that aligns with his flashes, and the Sheriff decides to follow the wolf as it must be his guide to the truth.

Along the way he runs into Emma, and together they inspect the forest the wolf leads them into, where they eventually end up at a large tomb. Inside, the Sheriff frantically looks for the heart that he’s convinced he doesn’t have. What else would explain the meaningless sex he’s having with Regina? I think it may have more to do with his penis than his heart, but that’s just me. Suddenly, Regina appears and is all like, “Why you snooping around my dad’s casket?” Then a sorta awesome, and much needed fistfight ensues between Emma and Regina, where Emma totally makes her bleed and Sheriff Graham tells her off claiming that it isn’t his heartlessness that’s the problem…the problem is her! GASP! When Regina tries to deflect the blame on Emma, she reminds Madame Mayor that Henry too ran away, and that maybe she needs to take a look in the mirror (HA!) and ask herself why everyone is leaving her. So what does Regina do? Oh….you know, what anyone would typically do in that scenario…climb down into the secret passageway under her dad’s casket, pull out the Sheriff’s heart and squish it into dust in her menacing grip. You know, the usual.

Though the act is cartoonish, but epic, the episode ends on a heartbreaking note as Emma finally does let love in. They share a romantic kiss and the electricity of it restores all of his past memories (again, just like the flash-sideways in LOST, where love and relationships triggered everyone’s memories), but immediately after telling Emma that he remembers he falls to his knees, dying instantly. The Regina death grip knows no mercy.

Yes, there is the emotional payoff and Morrison gets to show off her “heaving sobs while holding a dead body” chops, but it completely nullifies any advancement the episode made. The one guy who could prove that Henry was right dies as soon as he could provide that evidence. Again, if it wasn’t for the performances surrounding it all, the viewing experience would have been for nothing as we as well as the people of Storybrooke are none the wiser. Although, Emma certainly learned to not mix work and pleasure ever again, huh?

“OUAT” can both pride itself, and be ashamed for its consistency. All of the things I appreciate or even genuinely like are in full effect, but the gimmicky annoyances are always in rare form. So, for pulling my heartstrings in the Sheriff’s death (props to Jamie Dornan for going out with a bang despite little airtime to build up sympathy) and not compromising the darker sides of FTL, I tip my cap. But “Heart Is A Lonely Hunter” also dragged out needless mysteries, butchered a could-have-been thoughtful venture into vulnerability with repetitive, unsubtle dialogue, and shot the series in the foot by offing the guy who could have swung the momentum. This week’s OUAT is stag-nant (hehe, horse humor) and spurned by love again with a C+.

Josh Dallas as Prince Charming, filming his fight sequence in front of a green screen

So, in reviewing my review (cue Twilight Zone theme), I realized that in some ways maybe I was going to easy on the show. Granted a commenter (shoutout to Ablenight) felt the opposite, but I still think that I was grading this episode based on potential, on what I hoped it would become, both as a “Lost” fan rooting for Kitsis/Horowitz and as a TV fan who would love to see a quality fantasy drama on network television. I’m not ready to declare “Once Upon A Time” D.O.A yet. Truthfully, I liked a lot of what I saw last week, but because I was grading based on effort, this week’s installment takes a slight dip.

Not going to lie to you OUAT fans, most of the goodwill garnered by The Shepherd is based on a limited supply of Henry. He served his purpose, to explain to us his theory (or let’s be honest, he’s a mouthpiece for the show, so this is “the truth” as we know it) that David does not remember he is Prince Charming nor his life prior to the coma because he is has some sort of curse/amnesia hybrid plaguing him. Okay, little dude, now run along.

Once that was taken care of and we were transported into Fairy-Tale Land we were treated to a battle royal between Charming and….some Orc looking fella. Treated may be too nice of a word though. I might use subjected, because the special effects were God awful here especially. Cuts were taken too sharply and I struggled to follow the movements of both fighters, and the foggy cliff  green screen made everyone look like they were figurines up against a moving poster board made for a 5th grade science fair. Mind you, that’s me being kind.

However, when Charming got stabbed through the heart thinking his opponent was down and out, I got quite cheerful. Sure, death by sword is always awesome, but this particular reaffirmed to me the show’s commitment to subverting Disney lore with a bit of existential cloudiness. These magical beings, the ones we were so mesmerized by as children, can be made pawns of a cruel universe. Call me dead inside (I mean, that would be factually correct), but that is a great route for this show to go. The commonly held belief by Henry the Great…Pain in my Ass and OUAT-ers (?) is that Fairy-Tale Land will be their salvation. I personally would love to see the more complicated real world be a source of comfort and, heck, just as enchanted with potentials for happily-ever-after.

Due to Charming’s unexpected demise, King George (played by LOST vet, Alan Dale, who brings the same grab-life-by-the nuts attitude Charles Widmore had, to the role) consults Rumpelstiltskin. Initially, I was annoyed that Rumpelstiltskin and his fineprint-type deals would again be integral, but Carlyle’s silver-tongued demon is the best thing the show has going for it, so why not? I just wish they could diversify the baddies, or simply make the “good guys” morally gray through their own choices, as most trailblazing dramas of the last decade have. Then again, I suppose you could argue Rumpy is a conduit for evil, not a harbinger of doom himself.

King George’s predicament is this: he’s without a son to slay the dragon that threatens King Midas’ kingdom. This is personally taxing because his own kingdom is in need of gold. And well, Midas has a lot of it considering every thing he touches literally turns into gold. White people problems, huh? Rumpy doesn’t sympathize because he was the one that bequeathed Charming to him in the first place. Of course, he is always willing to make a deal so in exchange for whatever he wants, he will give King George the up-until-now secret twin brother. At first, I wondered whether the twins were Cinderella’s, but that wouldn’t work given the timeline established two episodes ago. Alas, it’s just another long lost sibling deus ex machina, which is expected, but still disappointing.

In the real world, David (Charming’s “real life” name) is having an identity crisis too. He understands that he was married to Kathryn, but doesn’t remember falling in love with her, and certainly doesn’t feel the chemistry now. He definitely has the hots for Mary Margaret (Ginnifer Goodwin) though, and who could blame him? She’s friggin’ adorable, and she saved his life. That must be true love! I’m being facetious, obviously. The duo does set off sparks when they share the screen, but this will they/won’t they is wearing slightly thin. I enjoy their interactions, and Goodwin especially has the natural sweetness to pull off “sweet girl who falls for the wrong guys,” routine with sincerity, but what seems like an unsettling question isn actually destiny.

I have no reason to question that they will get back together even when David steps into Mr. Gold’s (Rumpy as real-world sleaze) pawn shop and eyes a windmill that jogs his memory. For an object that feels like it should be Chekhov’s windmill, something that was planted beforehand and emphasized so that we know it will resurface, I have no idea what it means. It was mentioned once when Kathryn was trying to jog David’s memory of their past life together, but is it somehow enchanted in Mr Gold’s shop? What memories does it conjure up? Much like the “twist” at the end of last week’s episode, I’m intrigued, but it feels like contrived, like I’m being manipulated to care.

And there is a lot I actually care about. For one, I care about Emma finding her place in Storybrooke. Her story gets a similar “men will disappoint you” treatment when she sees Sheriff Graham climbing out of Regina’s window during her midnight rounds. It was funny to see him shimmy down (shimmying is, after all, ridiculous), yes, but when we see Emma shake her head, we sigh, knowing her pain and wishing she didn’t have to be so jaded. Earlier, when trying to ease Mary Margaret’s mind, she laments her bad decisions with men and says that whenever she has had a hunch she was doing the wrong thing, it was wrong. This futility is relatable, and I’m invested in her and Mary’s happiness. But with Mary, there’s no indication that Fairy-Tale Land’s prophecy will not come true.

You know, that may be a huge problem with the show as a whole. A lack of surprise. I am continuously surprised by the grim truths our Fairy-Tale inhabitants must face. The realization that Prince Charming 2.0 could never see his mom again or the entire kingdom would fall apart is an impossibly huge, but nonetheless horrible, burden for a small farm boy to handle. I couldn’t help but think of Luke Skywalker, hopping on a speeder to Mos Eisley Cantina with a Jedi Knight only to come back to his farm and find his adoptive parrots charred to bits by the Empire. This Momma’s boy commiserated with Charming 2.0, because mothers can be amazing supports that you always want to have in your arsenal, and to lose that security is to not only lose love, but lose a bit of yourself. Those same kinds of stakes don’t exist in this show’s “real world.” Yes, at episode’s end David is trying to make things work with Kathryn and Mary Margaret is double-fisting drinks with a douchey doctor, but does anybody doubt at all that Henry is right and Emma will somehow break the curse and bring happiness for all Storybrooke’s townsfolk again? I’m more invested in the dark underpinnings of how Fairy-Tale Land came to be a breeding ground for widespread joy, the idea that Happily-Ever-After comes at a price that MUST be paid. If Happily-Ever-After has already been achieved, then it won’t be long before the magical reset button is hit.

Unless the show can convince me soon that Fairy-Tale Land was flawed from the beginning, that this curse is actually a road to redemption for these characters, and that they can only truly achieve happiness beyond the magical bounds of their homeland, then I might return to my faith of weeks prior. Right now, I just can’t see the magical forest through the singing trees, or whatever tress do in fairy tales. I’m seeing a formula at play, a formula that indicates a fairyback (a fairy-tale flashback, a term coined at The AV Club http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-shepherd,65911/) for each major character that provides insight into how each of them has been effectively pushed away from their paths to true happiness (whatever they think that is) by the curse. But through Emma-induced miracles, happiness starts to become reality and the Queen’s curse is rendered powerless. Storybrooke is no longer appears as a backwoods town in Maine, and is restored to it’s storyBOOK sheen. To me, that end as telegraphed is not exciting or rewarding. This would only reinforce that magic, an unattainable, intangible force (like fate) is what we need to be happy. Wouldn’t it be an even greater Happily Ever After, if it we could find it within ourselves?

I’m not ruling out the possibility that OUAT could rise to the heights of inspirational, emotionally resonant and fulfilling entertainment. “Lost” did it on ABC, why couldn’t this show? But I can only consider what I’ve been presented with thus far, and what I’ve seen is a lack of improvement week-to-week, or rather a complacency to stick with what works instead of expanding upon those strengths. “The Shepherd,” was especially frustrating, too, for its sloppy use of special effects during the Prince’s battle sequences. In spite of a host of consistently compelling performances (of which I would now include Josh Dallas as Charming/David and vehemently exclude Lana Parilla as Regina/Evil Queen and Jared Gilmore as Henry), I have my made my choice, C+.

As Sheriff Graham deputizes Emma, the ground shakes and a giant sinkhole mysteriously appears at the edge of town. But a curious Henry's life is placed in danger when he decides to explore the innards of the sinkhole to see if its contents can link the inhabitants of Storybrooke to the fairytale world. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale world, Jiminy Cricket yearns to leave the family business and transform into the person he wants to be, on "Once Upon a Time," (ABC)

Allow me to introduce myself…MY NAME IS HOV! And if you do not get that joke we cannot be friends.

My name is Chris Peck, and I will be handling weekly reviews of ABC’s breakout hit, “Once Upon A Time.” These reviews will be primarily for people who have viewed the episode in question and will be sprinkled with spoilers for those who haven’t. Unfortunately, since I am starting this coverage mid-season I will begin with tonight’s episode, the fifth so far. I don’t wish to go over the plot developments of the first four episodes in excruciating detail, but for those who are intrigued, or as a refresher for regular watchers I will provide the SparkNotes version.

The premise of “OUAT” (my cool guy abbreviation for the show) is that “all the fairy-tale characters we know,” are trapped in quaint, real-world Storybrooke, (no, seriously) Maine. A powerful curse, enacted by the Evil Queen, has imprisoned them there for 28 years. Up until now, the townsfolk have been unaware that they once led grand lives as classic fairy-tale characters (or, you know, maybe they were just townsfolk there too). The only person who seems to have a clue, is a boy with a book (how he came to possess this book with all the answers is still a mystery), Henry, the adopted son of Regina, the mayor of Storybrooke and (drumroll) the Evil Queen of Fairy-Tale Land (played by Lana Parrilla)! Also important to note, Henry’s bio-mom, Emma, a.k.a the legendary offspring of Snow White and Prince Charming has been whisked to Storybrooke by her prodigal son, and has become a permanent resident in order to get closer to him.

Okay, so sorry about the very quick summation of the premise. It is missing a lot of important details, but my hope is you catch up and can keep in sync with these reviews. If you want a more detailed synopsis of the pilot’s (and more) events check out Wikipedia. Back to tonight’s episode! (Chessy Adam West era-Batman cut)

Tonight’s episode was pretty okay. The biggest flaws the show has been struggling with since the horse left the gate were largely unproblematic, mostly because our flashback was a dark, morality tale like last week’s “The Price of Gold.” In both, Rumpelstiltskin clearly warns the familiar fairy-tale faces that when they dabble in magic, they are taking risks. However, they all-too-eagerly dive in head-first into the perilous seas of “I told you so.”

This week, Jiminy Cricket (played by Raphael Sbarge) is the subject of this week’s flashback spotlight. If you are unfamiliar with this technique, ”OUAT” was created by Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, writers from a modestly watched show called “LOST.” That show pioneered the use of parallel flashback stories enlightening the present-day plot developments. Kitsis/Horowitz decided to employ the same technique here since they are dealing with two alternate worlds and a large ensemble. In the first two episodes I would say they largely failed to justify these flashbacks. Though the fairy-tale world is ripe with adventure and stories to tell, they were mostly used to establish what we already knew and did nothing but bog down the real-world happenings with shoved-in-my-face themes that paralleled the fairy-tale storyline. Though we still got some of these obvious winky-winks in tonight’s dialogue, they were much less noticeable.

Dr. Archie Hopper (yeah, one of those winky-winks) is the Storybrooke incarnation of Jiminy Cricket, and Henry’s psychiatrist. Early on, Henry’s Evil Queen mom, threatens to fire Archie if he doesn’t stop feeding into his delusions about fairy tales. Though in his clinical opinion it would be damaging to his psyche, he timidly obeys. During the next therapy session with Henry, he basically call the kid psychotic, to which the kid storms out, crying.

In his flashback he is beholden to his con-artist parents, whom he is seen pickpocketing for, though he clearly has moral objections to this sort of living. He stays with them even as an adult due to misplaced loyalty. This is never made entirely clear, why he feels so obligated to these awful people. We are expected to buy that his motives are familial guilt, though he clearly wants out. I largely let this go, as the parents themselves were a hoot as far as thieves go, but there seems to be no tangible roadblock for Jiminy despite wanting to be a good son over a good man.

One day, a boy gives him an umbrella as he unloads his parent’s wagon full of loot for their show (presumably another con) and he seems to reconsider his life due to the boy’s kindness. Then when he is sent to make an exchange with the sketchiest dealmaker around—Rumpelstiltskin (played with arresting chill by Robert Carlyle)—he decides to buy a magical potion to kill his parents with. All Rumpy wants in return is their bodies. Creepy…creepy awesome!

Jiminy plans to do the deed as he helps his parents on one last con. They ask an unassuming couple in the woods for shelter, and they proceed to sell them on an elf tonic, the only remedy that will save them from the plague. “Not THE plague, but a plague.” Once they exchange the elf tonic for some of their valuables, they run off. In a moment of ethical fury Jiminy tosses the potion on them like holy water, and nothing happens. The vile contains water. Then in a moment of traumatic realization he puts it together. His parents had switched the viles! He storms back into the cottage to find the couple has been transformed into shrunken dolls! Then Raggedy Ann and Andy’s kid comes home! Wow, guilt trip much?

Fortunately, the futility to escape an immoral life is not so in Storybrooke. Archie follows Henry into an abandoned mine in order to absolve himself from when he told his patient he was crazy earlier in the episode by saving him from being crushed by rocks. The kid is convinced the mine might be some sort of portal into the fairy-tale world. This is clumsily implied when there is movement beneath the mine after Emma (played with a welcome, dry wit by Jennifer Morrison) clips her new deputy’s badge to her belt. We get our oft anticipated “Duh, Henry” moment when he says, “Did you make any changes today? Did you do anything different?” Obviously, the fact that Emma has a job means she is sticking around, and this important. Thanks, little guy!

Whilst they Archie and Henry are stuck in the mine there is the usual chest-thumping over who is Henry’s “real mom” between Regina and Emma. Inside, there is some pleasantly honest dialogue. Henry stops being the fairy-tale equivalent of a Bible thumper long enough to admit that the reason he believes is mostly because, “There has to be more than this.” This is a common theme amongst the downtrodden in fairy tales, but it feels genuine in our own disappointing reality where cynicism is accepted and optimism is questioned. Archie also admits to feeling like he couldn’t be Jiminy Cricket, as Henry suspects, because he doesn’t always do what is right. When Henry assures him it took Jiminy Cricket awhile to find his right path, he believes that maybe it isn’t too late for him.

After an extremely miscalculated endeavor with explosives (why would blowing up the rock formations be a GOOD idea?) Emma is lowered into the mine (after a brilliant dalmatian sniffs out their location…yeah, really contrived), and for a moment we are lead to believe that Archie Hopper might be the first true death on the show as he hoists the kid up first, but as the elevator they were sitting in (another brilliant idea) caves, his umbrella, ah the trusty umbrella, hooks on to an apparatus and he is saved by his lucky charm. Once above ground, Archie has the guts to stand up to Regina and not so subtly reminds her that she may need him in a custody battle to testify on Henry’s behalf. Therefore, she will let him practice as he pleases. I guess blackmail CAN be considered of sound conscience. Wait, what?

We get a quick transition back to fairy-tale land where in the first true Pinocchio nod, Jiminy wishes upon a star. The Blue Fairy answers his plea and grants him his wish to be a cricket. He loves how they sound, and thinks they are the epitome of free, whatever. The Blue Fairy alerts him of his one condition: he must take care of a.k.a be the conscience for the newly orphaned boy. His name…GEPPETTO! Man, you should have seen that coming…but if you didn’t it’s cool, because the reveal could definitely sneak up on you if you weren’t waiting for it.

The other development is largely unimportant, though well received if only for the appearance of the naturally adorable Ginnifer Goodwin, who plays Mary Margaret Blanchard, Henry’s teacher and Snow White! Her storyline focuses on how the freshly awake from a coma and former Prince Charming feels so right with her. These scenes were the most cringe-inducing in their complete lack of subtlety to relate the two worlds. We know they will end up together despite his marriage to a suspect, and yet nauseatingly nice Kate Nolan, so lines like “You are the one thing that feels real,” would feel a lot more tender if he hadn’t just woke up yesterday. Yes, Goodwin’s undeniable cuteness makes me root for these two lovebirds, but any chemistry is one sided as Josh Dallas’ Charming still feels stale and one note, convincing as a looker, but not quite a charmer. But honestly, we get it, they’re soulmates. You can chill with the true love stuff. I mean, God, life isn’t a fairy—OHHHHH.

Clearly, in a fantasy meets real world drama there will be logical issues, so these will be forgiven to a a degree. But the mine shaft itself felt like a TOTAL curveball, and the episode’s final image, a peeved Regina tossing a stray piece of glass into the mine which at the bottom has many broken pieces of glass, seemed way too forced. Yes, the kid alluded to its existence as a portal, but I was lost as to what this meant at all. The online chatter suggests it could be the evil queen’s mirror, or Snow White’s glass coffin (from her fake death). The myriad choices are not from clever design, but from a lack of context. This kind of trickery for its own sake should not be tolerated, and as writers of “LOST,” Horowitz and Kitsis should know better. As mentioned the flashback stepped up as a clever twist on an old classic with a dark morality play to underscore and even contrast, and not completely overwhelm and exaggerate, the present-day plot. I worry a bit that Rumpelstiltskin may be over-utilized right now, because Carlyle and the character have the most gripping screen presence, but as long as the twist every week isn’t “Rumpy makes it gritty because he makes things turn out not as they’d planned” I’m going to remain optimistic that they have figured this flashback thing out for the time being. Ginnifer could have been used for better purpose, Morrison could have been used more humorously, and Evil Queen/Henry could have been—there a helluva a lot less. But for a refreshing Jiminy Cricket spotlight OUAT earns a B-.

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According to TV Guide, the new remake of Charlie’s Angels isn’t doing so well with the viewers.  The new series was the lowest-rated show on Thursdays, with ratings that dropped 20 percent.

ABC’s Angels plummeted to 5.9 million viewers, with a low 1.2 rating.  In fact, most of ABC’s Thursday night shows did poorly, even the fan favorite Grey’s Anatomy.

The drop can partially be blamed on the baseball playoffs on TBS, but next week will tell what the fans really think.

“Uncle Frank” Potenza, a regular guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” died Tuesday morning. He was 77.

Potenza was actually the uncle of host Jimmy Kimmel. The nighttime talk show host tweeted: “thank you for your kind words about a very kind man – my Uncle Frank – who passed away this morning.”

Potenza was a New York City police officer for 20 years and has been a regular fixture on the show since 2003.

Playing a security guard on the show, Potenza regularly took part in comedy bits featuring an actual security guard, Guillermo Rodriguez, who works security in the parking lot.

The show’s producers released a statement saying that his “kindness and humor” would be missed.

A cause of death was not released.

Apparently it’s harder than it seems to fall in love with a perfect stranger that you met on television while millions of people watched.

Emily Maynard and Brad Womack have officially split up, People reported.

“We’re no longer engaged,” a crying Maynard told People magazine after an interview with “Bachelor” host Chris Harrison, scheduled to air during the July 11 episode of “The Bachelorette.”

The 25-year-old single mom from North Carolina has been hounded by press and photographers pretty much since she appeared on television.

Womack, 38, told People “the demise of our relationship was completely my fault.”

We’re sure we’ll see these two again.

Chris Brown lost temper in his dressing room at “Good Morning America” and broke a window with a chair.

Robin Roberts had hounded him about his attack on Rihanna.

Brown appeared on the show Tuesday morning in order to promote his new album, “F.A.M.E.,” which came out on the same day. However, Roberts repeatedly asked him about the 2009 attack on Rihanna even though Brown told her, “This album is what I want them to talk about and not what happened two years ago.”

After the interview, Brown performed. He was scheduled to perform another song but he went to his dressing room and started smashing things, the source reported.

ABC News released a statement and said, “As always, we ask questions that are relevant and newsworthy, and that’s what we did in this interview with Mr. Brown.”

The singer tweeted after the incident, “I’m so over people bringing this past s**t up!!! Yet we praise Charlie sheen and other celebs for there bulls**t. Thank you to everyone who supports my music!!! Key Word (music) !!! Love y’all. All my fans!!! This album is for you and only you!!! I’m so tired of everyone else!! Honestly!! I love team breezy!!”

Ken Baumann may star on the television show “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” but his life is anything but secret. He shares his career path freely and comfortably speaks as if he has known you for years. With a sense of ease and confidence, Baumann reveals what happens in his life behind-the-scenes.

Acting, writing and drawing have always been of interest to Baumann. His parents encouraged his creativity so he participated in many school plays and read classic literature from a young age.

“Eventually performance took priority because I seem to be ok at it,” Baumann joked. “I managed to find some work (and) it has kind of been a very natural journey.”

“The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” which airs on ABC Family, has been well received and will begin its fourth season on March 28. Baumann had previously filmed pilot episodes for four other shows that never reached production. He recalls his initial response to the opportunity to star in “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” was pure excitement.

“Just being able to know that my work is finally going to be seen, it is going to be legitimate and it will be on TV finally — that felt great,” he said.

The show addresses many issues facing teenagers today including unwanted pregnancies, drugs, alcohol and death. Baumann plays the role of Ben Boykewich who he said he can relate to.

“From the beginning I was able to identify with him because [he was a] freshman in high school and all he wanted to do was lose his virginity. I was right there with him; I think most people are,” said Baumann. “So I was able to just jump back in time a couple of years and get awkward again and relive that quest for the Holy Grail.”

Baumann has typically played the role of a teenager navigating life’s complexities but regards this character as his favorite because it feels true to him. However, he said Ben is also his most challenging role because he has never played one character for so long. While Baumann is enjoying his current project, he still hopes to take on different roles in the future.

“I would love something that really stretches any sort of boundaries that I have in my head about what I could and couldn’t do,” he said. “I would love something that is really physically strenuous.”

Although Baumann is not physically stretching himself, figuratively he is pushing himself beyond the scope of acting. He is the founder of Sator Press, which is a non-profit that publishes indie books and full novels. The first book he published was “The Complete Works of Marvin K. Mooney.” He credits that book with compelling him to begin the press, which he had previously contemplated but not pursued.

“It was a lot of work but it felt so, so right. It was just a rush; it felt great,” he said.

Baumann is currently the editor-in-chief, publisher, creative director, head designer, webmaster and source of funding for the press and does not see that changing any time soon.

“It is a one- man show,” said Baumann. To his credit, he doesn’t seem to mind the work and instead finds it rewarding. “I really love working with the author and just getting to know what they want for their book cover and trying to give them that,” he said. “I also like one-man businesses; it is a really honest ethical thing to do.”

According to Baumann, the response for the first book was really positive and he even received a hand-written letter from a reader expressing her appreciation.

“That one letter is worth it to me; the whole experiment is worth it,” he said. “That proves to me that there is a desire for weird, challenging works of art and people can appreciate that.”

Baumann expressed that he sometimes feels that he doesn’t have enough to do but many would beg to differ. In addition to filming “Secret Life,” he is also releasing another book from his press in the next three or four months and he just finished writing a script with friend, Ned Vizzini (author of the book It’s Kind of a Funny Story, which was recently adapted into a movie). With these projects in addition to spending time with family and friends, Baumann’s plate seems to have just enough on it to keep his appetite for creativity satiated.

WCVB-TV, Boston’s Channel 5, announced Saturday that it may no longer be carried by DIRECTV starting January 1 if the two parties can not come to an agreement on the ongoing retransmission negotiations.

Translation — WCVB to DIRECTV: “show me the money.”

By law, satellite television distributors can only carry stations with their consent. WCVB is the Boston ABC affiliate, and it’s parent company, Hearst Television Inc., has been lodged in discussions with DIRECTV over extending an agreement that grants those permission, which expires at the end of the year.

“We believe that we and DIRECTV can conclude our negotiations before January 1st so as not to deprive any of our respective viewers and customers of our programming,” said WCVB president and general manager Bill Fine, in a statement released Saturday that appears to turn the screws on DIRECTV. “However, we want to advise our viewers and customers that the possibility of non-renewal of our current agreement exists.”

Hearst owns 29 televisions stations across the country.

ABC canceled “My Generation” after just two episodes Friday. The show fell from a 1.6 rating in its debut to a 1.1 adult 18-49 rating last night, averaging just over 3.8 million viewers. The show was met with negative reviews

ABC has not announced what they will replace the show with at 7 p.m. this Thursday.

Editor’s note: We’re Blast Magazine. We’re Gen-Y. We know this shit.

I’m not trying to cause a big sensation, I’m just talking about "My Generation." ABC’s new hour-long drama series (Thursdays at 8 p.m.) about Generation Y — my generation — premiered last Thursday, and will likely not cause a big sensation either. The premise is that a documentary filmmaker chronicled a group of seniors at an Austin, Texas high school in 2000 and now, in 2010, reconnected with the same people to see the directions their lives have taken over the course of the decade. The catch is that the 2000 documentary and characters are completely fictional.

Not just fictional, but phony.

Despite some strong individual performances, the pilot of "My Generation" failed to capture the generation for both creative as well as societal reasons. From one perspective, the show suffers from a maelstrom of cliche and an absence of subtlety and nuance. Beyond the quality of this individual series, any show or film attempting to chronicle the group of Americans who grew up in the late 1990s and are presently entering adulthood is doomed due to the status of that "generation"—that it simply is not fully developed or aware of its place in history.

First, the show itself. While "My Generation" may work as a clever spoof of bad documentary, reality television and cliched high school television characters, that is not its intent and it instead combines elements of all three motifs. The 2000 documentary introduced nine students known mostly by one-dimensional character label nicknames. Each character has a name yet is referred to by titles on the screen by his or her nickname. The nicknames and characters they represent are: The Brain, The Jock, The Overachiever, The Rock Star, The Rick Kid, The Wall Flower, The Punk, The Beauty Queen and The Nerd.

Any show that has an inner show (a "show inside the show") faces the hurdle of the quality of the inner show. NBC’s fall 2006 season one-and-done "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" which was a fictional take on the production, cast and crew of a live weekend night sketch comedy show had difficulty because the sketches inside the inner show were not funny. Conversely, "The Larry Sanders Show" established itself as one of the 90s best comedy series because the show inside the show, a fictional late-night talk show with Gary Shandling playing host Larry Sanders and Jeffrey Tambor playing the Ed McMahon announcer/sidekick character, itself was high quality.

With "My Generation," the 2000 documentary that set up the present mockumentary is neither likable nor believable. Like a poor real documentary and badly-written fiction, the fictional 2000 documentary creates thin characters. In real life and as shown in good high school documentaries, people span multiple categories and possess multiple character traits even if they appear to be a stereotypical "jock," "nerd," "band geek," "cheerleader" or other high school archetype. The real 2008 high school documentary "American Teen," directed by Nanette Burstein, followed five students over the course of their senior year at a high school in Indiana. While Burstein likely selected the students due to their iconic high school character types—there are a cheerleader, basketball player, band musician, artsy girl and another athlete—she did not narrowly define their characters nor give them one-dimensional nicknames or scenes, and, over the course of the film, it becomes clear that these students are multifaceted, interesting and real people (the cheerleader is also a top student, the basketball star is invested in his education and the artsy girl, while still a drama queen, dates the other basketball player and is not the cynical, sarcastic character one might expect her to be).

"My Generation" starts with the stereotypical high school characters and makes them the characters of its show. To its credit, the pilot shows how the 2010 characters are different (and in some cases the same) as their 2000 selves. This could work as a send-up on formulated shows and acts, whether they be reality shows or boy bands, whose casts and members always fit the same demographics (a device created, perpetuated and possibly parodied by MTV’s "The Real World") but the tone of the show is not satiric.

The cliched characters nicely lead into cliche plot lines. In the pilot, the Overachiever learns that he is the father of the Wallflower’s child. That the child is the result of a one-night stand is cliche’ #1 (because even on good TV shows such as "Mad Men," which, according to hitfix.com television critic Alan Sepinwall, used this device at least three times to date, and movies like "Knocked-Up"—having sex with a person once leads to a pregnancy). The prom-night timing is cliche #2. That the one-nightstand involved two people that likely would not get together in real life is #3. To top it off and giving quadruple cliche’ word score: the father did not find out until ten years later that he had a child. Of course the call from the Wallflower telling him of his paternity came when he was on camera.

Another classic cliche is the soap opera love triangle. The Rich Kid marries the Beauty Queen (who is now an Ice Queen) but is still in love with his high school girlfriend, the Brain, and the Beauty Queen knows. Now they will be reunited in documentary filming and cliched hijinks will ensue. The other major stock relationship is the girl and the obsessed male best friend. The Nerd (a man) and the Punk (a woman) dated in high school but became friends after it didn’t work out. The Punk married the Jock, who left his basketball scholarship at Stanford for military service in September of 2001, and is now pregnant with his child while he is in Afghanistan. Punk girl lives with Nerd man who is helping her with her pregnancy while insisting that he’s fine they are just friends even though he masturbates to thoughts of her flashing her husband in a video chat (again, this show lacks subtlety). See Brat Pack flick "Pretty in Pink" for a better take on this idea (Molly Ringwald as the punkish girl and Jon Cryer as iconic just-friend Ducky).

Beyond the hackneyed characters and storytelling, the show faces the difficulty of trying to chronicle a generation is timing. Ten years is not a lot of time for young people in the present time. After high school, college and professional school can easily account for the bulk of a ten-year time period. Ten years out of high school, many people are just beginning to start their careers and families.

More importantly, it is just too early to look back at ten years and know just what impacted people and society profoundly enough to highlight in a television show. Most attempts fall flat as obvious and gimmicky. Gratuitous shots in "My Generation" of characters using Facebook and video chat software are done over the top, begging the question as to at what generation the show is aimed—older people who are not up to speed on the technological prowess of the nation’s young-ins?

"Mad Men" is a great show that shows the culture and cultural change of the United States through the lens of advertising and New York in the 1960s. The first season, set in 1960, premiered in 2007. "Happy Days" flashed back to the 1950s and later the early ‘60s and aired twenty years after its setting. "The Wonder Years," a show some have compared "My Generation" to, focused on teen angst during the peak of Vietnam in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s and aired in the 1990s.

A show about the ‘90s and 2000s that properly incorporated the Clinton and Bush administrations, cellular technology and the Internet, terrorism and the wars against terror and other concepts we are still developing and trying to make sense of, will be a compelling show…in about twenty years when we finally have. Most likely it will happen when filmmakers and television executives and writers from the 2000s generation have taken over the entertainment industry.

ABC’s "My Generation" is not the answer. I expect and hope something else is. This is my generation, baby.

DALLAS — In March of 2010, 13-year-old Taylor Storch, daughter of Todd and Tara Storch, died tragically in a Colorado ski accident. In the wake of this devastation, the Storch’s made the tough decision to donate Taylor’s organs, including her heart. Though donations usually remain anonymous, Dallas ABC reporter Gary Reaves helped the Storch’s hear their daughter’s heartbeat once again.

Patricia Winters, 40, found herself sick and lethargic following the birth of her second son. Winters, a nurse, was the lucky one to receive Taylor’s young, strong heart. Through the internet, she was able to find out that Taylor was her donor by visiting Taylorsgift.org. There, she looked at pictures and watched videos of a girl whose life was cut too short.

Winters connected with Tara Storch via email, and the two families decided to meet.

“That’s really what I wanted since the very beginning,” said Storch, “is to find who has her heart and have a connection with that person…I can’t wait to hug the person who has her heart.”

And she did just that. Watch the video above to witness the moving encounter between Tara and Patricia as they connect over Tara’s heartbeat.

Detroit 1-8-7

LOS ANGELES — In a typical fall season where formulaic cop and crime shows dominate the network lineup, “Detroit 1-9-7″ is taking a different angle. Much like the series “Southland” and summer hit “Rookie Blue,” “Detroit 1-8-7″ is primarily a character drama that doesn’t lean on the shock-value of graphic forensic scenes or realistically horrifying crimes.

The series is lead by an impressive cast. Most notable are Michael Imperioli (“The Sopranos”) as Detective Louis Fitch and James McDaniel (“Taken”) as Sergeant Jesse Longford; their performances stand out, both characters both being, at times, poignant and witty.

Viewers are drawn to the show’s raw, emotional standpoint; critical, if you’re goal is to keep people tuning every week. Detroit 1-8-7 gets right into the nitty-gritty by beginning with a fatal shooting and ending with a surprising turnabout.

The first episode isn’t perfect. The character types are slightly cliche — Longford plays the lovable veteran to Finch’s gruff, no-nonsense character — but the cast’s chemistry helps. Some of the scenes are a bit of an info dump the viewer never suffers from lack of information. On the upside, the soundtrack throws a bone to Detroit, the home of Motown, with a blend of current songs and classic soul hits.

Blast previewed Detroit 1-8-7 and chatted with Michael Imperioli and James McDaniel about the show and their impressions of Detroit itself.

Michael Imperioli

BLAST: What attracted you both to your roles?

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI: I was attracted to the different eccentricities [of the character] and methods in being a detective. In a lot of the scripts that I read … the characters are not always defined. It’s more about catching the crook, and the procedure of catching them.

JAMES McDANIEL: I think the thing that hooked me is that … after reading so many scripts [over the years] you know after 10 pages if the writer hasn’t done it by then, then it ain’t going to be done. This was truly a page-turner for me. I knew by the second page that we were into something. The sensibilities, the humor … the intellect of the piece itself; there was no way I couldn’t have done this one.

BLAST: There are some cliffhanger moments in the show already; is that something we’ll come to expect with the show?

JM: Fact is stranger than fiction, and there is so much going on in this town that is unusual. If you follow the path, you’ll find that all the stories are…surprising as the city itself.

BLAST: Was this first time you guys worked in Detroit? And what was it like for you?

James McDaniel

MI: This is the first time I’ve been to Detroit is when I came up to do this.

JM: I had come years ago, when they opened up the African American museum here which was marvelous. But I didn’t get a chance to really see and get to know the city. So this is my first time really getting to know Detroit. It’s such a lovely town, I could easily spend the next seven years here.

BLAST: Speaking of Detroit, the music plays such a big part in the city’s history. They’ve been promoting the show with The Temptations song, "Ball of Confusion." What do you think of the music that’s on the show too? Will the music underscore it?

MI: The city has such a rich musical history. Motown is the obvious one, but punk had big influence here too with Iggy Pop, and The Stooges all the way up to today with White Stripes and Enimem.

JM: The city has such a songbook of music.

BLAST: Michael, your character Detective Louis Fitch is an intriguing character. What do you think makes him good at what he does?

MI: He genuinely cares about people, ultimately. I think he sees people as human beings first before labeling them criminal, gangster or thug. He sees them as a person; somebody’s father, somebody’s son. I think that makes all the difference.

BLAST: And what about your character, Sergeant Jesse Longford?

JM: He’s a guy who’s been on the force for 30 years, and this is a tough town to [be in] for that long. He’s the type of man who, at his core, wants the right thing to happen. He’s got the experience and the wily years to make that happen. And he’s got some secrets too.

You can catch "Detroit 1-8-7" Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on ABC.

LOS ANGELES — The art of comedy is fairly simple: you’re either funny or you’re not. It’s not the type of genre that’s easy to fake, and with many new series this fall it’s a race for the next big hit. Last year, ABC struck gold with it’s unconventional and witty comedy, “Modern Family.”

This year, ABC hopes to add upon its success with “Better With You” written by “Friends” writer Shana Goldberg-Meehan. The pilot of “Better With You” is also directed by television veteran James Burrows whose previous work includes “Cheers” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

“Better With You” is a story about the Putney family told in three parts, exploring the dynamic of relationships at different stages. Mia Putney (Joanna Garcia) is the youngest of the Putney clan whose free-spirit lifestyle reflects the impulse of young love. Then there’s Maddie Putney (Jennifer Finnigan,) the reliable older sister who is happy in her secure relationship marriage or not. Finally there are the parents: Vicky and Joel Putney who after several decades of marriage show the humorous yet sturdy foundation through the good and bad. The series’ enthusiasm is contagious and the casting pitch perfect; the natural chemistry onscreen is what makes this new series hilarious.

Looking more into this series, Blast spoke to the “Better With You” leading ladies Joanna Garcia and Jennifer Finnigan.

Jennifer Finnigan

Joanna Garcia

BLAST: The chemistry between the two of you on the series “Better With You” is really great, how has it been working together?

JOANNA GARCIA: It’s been heavenly. We’ve known each other for years, actually. Always rooting each other on, and adoring each other. So it’s really nice to get this chance for the two of us to [work] together, of course it’s not just the two of us, there’s a lot of wonderful people on the show. At the heart of it, it’s nice to know you can go to work with someone you really trust and know.

JENNIFER FINNIGAN: And that’s it. Trust. Trust is such a big issue. We totally trust each other and we make each other laugh. We confide in each other too. This isn’t new for us either. We both have been doing this for a very long time. We’re old pros, and we know it comes down to good work and getting along. There’s no drama.

JG: Yeah! There’s no that [drama.]

JF: There’s not that all all.

JG: Thank goodness! (laughs) And it’s nice, it’s always nice to be able to go to work and be happy.

BLAST: Your characters deal with some issues in their lives, and their love lives. What were your thoughts on the script? It’s relevance on your life or maybe your friends’ lives? How appealing was the comedy for you?

JG: When we read the script there was that initial notion we were doing something that was very relevant. I think for me, after being in this business for so long, you want to do something that you feel is relatable, that you can connect to and grow with … And in this medium it’s so fun to let yourself go and have fun. And to know that it’s no so far out there that only a small percentage of the country will get … we’re doing something that people can understand at all different stages of their romantic relationships. It’s [about] sisters and family, and all different dynamics. I think that’s why it works and fits well with this night [Wednesday]. ABC is doing a great job of throwing comedy that’s out there. And I’m really humbled to be [ and have the show] sandwiched in-between “The Middle” and “Modern Family”

JF: Me too! Those are some of my favorite shows! We’re kind of grounded in reality with this show. It’s not like a high concept, crazy [show.] And for me personally, I’ve been in a relationship for six years and married for three. So when I read the script I thought, “Gosh, I can kind of relate to parts of this script … ” like that young, hot, and new relationship; then that comfortable, loving, very nurturing relationship. The parents on the show, there’s this deep love but who have been together for years but they drive each other nuts. There’s times where I’ve been with my husband, and yeah we kind of drive each other nuts too but for the most part it’s very grounded and very loving too. When I read the script, I felt like I get this … I really get this.

BLAST: You mention the cast, are there going to be any special any guest stars or appearances coming up?

JF: I don’t know … do you know (to Joanna?)

JG: I think with this first season of the show they’re kind of focusing on just us [the main cast] but we do have some guest starring roles … for instance this week I think you get to meet Maddie’s assistant.

JF: Who maybe has an unhealthy attachment, or crush on me (Maddie.)

JG: Or obsession

JF: It’s really funny.

JG: So it’s really interesting to see how people come in and out. There’s a lot happening in our small nucleus [of a family.]

JF: But we should really get some funny guest stars.

JG: Yes, we can start a list.

JF: A wishlist!

“Better With You” airs Wednesdays this fall at 8:30 p.m. on ABC.

The ABC mystery/dramedy series "Castle" stars Nathan Fillion as the wealthy, best-selling author Richard Castle, along with Stana Katic as a hard-nosed detective, Kate Beckett. The success of the show has earned itself a third season starting this fall, and this is due to its cult fan following and charismatic characters. This year at the San Diego Comic Con the cast and team for "Castle" took a break to talk with fans and press. In attendance were cast members: Nathan Fillion, Stana Katic, Jon Huertas, Seamus Dever, Tamala Jones, and Molly Quinn; Followed by creator/writer Andrew Marlowe and executive producer Laurie Zaks.

Blast got the chance to chat with them behind the scenes after their audience panel in the press room. In addition to the audio for some of the interviews, here are some of the highlights:

Tamala Jones (Dr. Lanie Parish)

QUESTION: How do you prepare for playing the character of Dr. Lanie Parish?

TAMALA JONES: I don’t do the medical training…what I do as far as training is I watch "The First 48" on A&E (channel), "Dr. G Medical Examiner", and I also watch a lot of forensic files; especially Dr. G because she talks about her patients as if she were still a live.

Q: Will Lanie be instrumental in solving more cases?

TJ: Yeah, we’re getting into that this season…there’s also going to be a full episode about Lanie. So you guys get to know me a little better…I can just tell that you will be getting the background story.
They were going to do something a little more dangerous, a kidnapping, but they’re not going to be doing it anymore. So they’re still teetering with the storyline for her, but it’s nice because you get to see her background. There’s also a little romance with (Detective Javier) Esposito too…a little bit down the road.

Q: Speaking of romance, Lanie seems to be a very good friend for Beckett in terms of giving advice on her love life. If there is this romance for Lanie, how will Beckett and Castle react to it? In other words, Lanie has dished it out to Beckett and Castle, how will they approach her?

TJ: Oh, no, I think Lanie is much more sneaky. You’ll have to catch her and Esposito (laughs) like "oh…we were just…um, talking in the room. We’re all good." I think that may be the case and Beckett may ask about it, and she’ll (Lanie) say "what are you talking about?" (dismiss it.) I think Lanie is more "I got this…" in the dating game. (She) doesn’t want to put it out there. She’s got to keep it a secret since it’s someone who works with Beckett. You can’t let it out too fast, you know?

Q: With the fallout in what has happened in the relationship between Castle and Beckett, in what direction will Lanie go this season? You already talked about the Lanie episode, but will they build up to it? Or will it be a stand alone episode?

TJ: Oh they’re definitely building up to it. And actually, in the episode we’re shooting now? I can’t really (say anything about it.) But they’re starting to get there, thank god! The fans have been writing in and they want to know what’s going on with Lanie. So it pressures (the show) to write about it, so it will build up. They’re not just going to throw it in there and take it away. (laughs) It will linger and they will come back to it.

Stana Katic (Detective Kate Beckett)

QUESTION: So we’re dying to know what happens next!

STANA KATIC: So we get back from the last episode, and Castle doesn’t let Beckett know he’s back in town. He’s doing a book signing, and she realizes he’s back in town…and then there’s a murder. Other than that I found out Beckett has a motorbike. (grins) Don’t ask me anymore about that bike. That’s all I can say.

Q: Do you two solve the murder together?

SK: I hope so! Actually, we have to make amends and decide if we’re going to be a working team together? Do you have a relationship? Do I have relationship? What’s the deal? And where do we stand?
And there’s a big fat case on the table.

Q: On the subject of Beckett and Castle, there’s that romantic tension between the two of them; a tightrope of will they? Or won’t they? How is that element going to factor in knowing where your character is right now and the rest of the season? Will that be addressed early on or work its way throughout the season?

SK: The piece of the information you’ll get early on is that he (Castle) is still with his ex-wife. (smiles) So…we got to work through that first. For Beckett, she says in season one "I’m the one and done type." So there’s a lot of integrity to her. She’s the type of girl who is like, " Well…you’ve had two marriages that didn’t work out, what happened?" So I think there’s a little bit of trust building, and sussing everything out…she doesn’t want to go out with a gigolo (smiles). So I think she wants to make sure all the waters are safe before diving in.

Q: Will we get more answers about Beckett’s past? Will we see more of her family’s story? For example, her mother?

SK: We do have an episode where…her (former) training officer is now a bounty hunter. So there’s this crime revolving around their relationship, and he reveals a lot about her past. And the two have this fabulous quality about them. And I think they’ll (eventually) delve into her mom’s murder. I hope they give her some time to be at home, be with friends, you know? Be the Beckett that she is when she’s not on the job.

Q: A lot of people came down Sunday morning just to see your show. How was that for you?

SK: It’s overwhelming; it’s just a very different experience. This is my first Comic Con and so people are always asking me "What’s it like working with Nathan?" And he’s like an older brother, he’s been doing this for a long time. He knows how it goes, and in the same vein he’s been to Comic Con a few times. It’s like old hat. I just sat up there and was like WOW. It’s touching in way to see people support and be there.

Summertime is starting to feel more like fall with the amount of new series’ debuting recently. Among them is ABC’s cop drama "Rookie Blue," a show that follows the lives of five rookie cops fresh out of the academy with big dreams and ambitions. Missy Peregrym ("Heroes," "Reaper") and Gregory Smith ("Everwood") are some of the cast members who spoke with Blast about this new series in a special video interview.

"Rookie Blue" also stars Charlotte Sullivan, Enuka Okuma, Travis Milne, Ben Bass and Eric Johnson. The series airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on ABC and premieres June 24.

After four seasons the show that introduced an “unattractive” woman as its main character will come to an end. Ugly Betty, starring America Ferrera, holds it show finale Wednesday, April 14, and its expected to be a memorable goodbye.

Betty, who has undergone a major evolution from bullied geek to respected associate editor at Mode, a fashion magazine, may be moving to the UK. Not only that, bad girl Wilhelmina Slater, played by Vanessa Williams, may die.

In the penultimate episode Tyler, Neal Bledsoe, confronts his mother Claire, Judith Light, for giving him away when he was born. He has a gun during the confrontation and Wilhelmina steps between mother and son to try to take the gun away from Tyler, who is shocked and emotional.

A shot is fired and the show ends in suspense. Leaving viewers wondering if the woman who brought down Mode was shot, and whether or not she’ll survive. The episode also included the moving coming out of Betty’s nephew Justin, Mark Indelicato. After a humorous "coming out party" the family planned for him that thankfully Justin did not have to endure.

Betty’s love life was also up in the air. In this season show writers have merged Betty and Daniel’s, Matt Hartley, story lines to most likely pair them together in the last hour. But amidst all the exciting final developments there is a bigger question that will be left unanswered after Wednesday night. What’s going to happen after Ugly Betty?

The show, based after the original Colombian soap opera "Yo Soy Betty, la Fea," is the first successful TV program featuring a main Latin character and involving minorities in main plot lines. In a way Latin, gay, Black and other "minorities" could relate to the show because it dealt with real life issues. From Betty’s father illegal immigrant status in the U.S. to women’s image expectations.

Dennis Pastorizo, entertainment producer for Terra USA, has loyally followed and reviewed Ugly Betty for four years. He spoke to Blast and said the show will be certainly missed. Terra is the nation’s leading site offering news, sports, entertainment, and lifestyle coverage in Spanish for U.S. Latinos.

"It was definitely a groundbreaking show for Latino actors and the Latino community," Pastorizo said. "Other than the George Lopez sitcom I can’t think of another show with a Latin actor out there that won so many awards and had so much success."

Pastorizo compares the ABC show to those other networks, such as MTV Tr3s or HolaMun2, have tried to produce to cater to Spanish speaking viewers. These networks are made specifically for the young Latino generation, which is increasing in the U.S.

What made Ugly Betty successful with Americans and Latinos may have been that its connection to the soap opera was modified to fit Hollywood expectations. Great production addressing national issues, and jokes intended for second or third generation Latino and English-only speakers viewers to understand. But when asked if this was a formula that future shows could use, Pastorizo was unsure.

"I don’t even know if ‘Betty’ can be called a one hit wonder. I know that several years ago network TV adapted several Spanish soap operas into English and they all flopped because they were bad adaptations really set up like soap operas. Univision has the series “Hermanos y Detectives,” and I heard rumors it’d be developed for American TV. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and say ‘yes this is a recipe for success to be followed,’ but it would have to be something produced by someone like Salma [Hayek] again."

It would also need more exclusive support from Latino audiences. The Terra producer said that a large percentage of its audience was not Latin.

"The success of Ugly Betty I don’t think is attributed to Latinos watching. Because it was based on the Spanish version many thought it would be a copy but they didn’t realize it wasn’t. The show was good to hit the core of non-Spanish speaking audiences showing a Latina main character and her Hispanic family but with Black, White, gay and straight characters too," said Pastorizo. "It was telling ‘I am a Hispanic in the U.S. but around me there are people of other cultures."

What Latinos did do was growth behind the scenes. More producers and actors have gotten noticed and hired. The latest "made" example being Sofia Vergara, the sultry Colombian mother and wife in Modern Family. So, despite not having a recipe for success Latinos are on their way to being key players in Hollywood and maybe the next Tyler Perry’s.

"There’s been concerns that the only roles they can audition for are maids or gardeners," said Pastorizo. "So I expect to see more Latino characters in major roles and playing not just Latino roles but other nationalities because after all these are actors! At the end of the day we don’t just need acting but also power so projects will produced be supported."

And if another minority-based show were to be successful in the future, it would also need better support from it’s own network. Ugly Betty shifted schedules because of low ratings. However, the writing for the program has always moved forward with creativity. Still, in the spring of 2009 Ugly Betty was placed on the Friday night schedule. Something Pastorizo called a dead night for television.

Surprisingly, and maybe shockingly for ABC, show followers asked to bring Betty back to the Wednesday night line-up. The network moved the show this December, as it announced it would go into its last season, but no major promotion has been done to bid the show adieu.

"It’s so sad that a show that started off with such a bang and won a Golden Globe its first season went down, not in production value but in interest from ABC. The network didn’t promote it and even for the finale there’s been no promotion either, it’s been very anti-climatic compared to promotion for "Lost" for example. I think that the only reason ABC kept it running was to hit the 100 episode mark and get it in syndication," Pastorizo added.

As far as the season finale goes, Pastorizo was mum about rumors or expectations. Only saying that this season was by far the best. Since writers knew the finale was coming they had time to prepare and leave no loose strings behind. So, viewers will have to wait until tomorrow to see where Betty ends up; and wait until another show brings the next Latin sensation.

ABC announced it was canceling “Ugly Better” after its springtime run, citing low ratings.

The show will have its 20-episode season cut short. In a statement, ABC Entertainment chairman Steve McPherson said “We’ve mutually come to the difficult decision to make this Ugly Betty’s final season, and are announcing now as we want to allow the show ample time to write a satisfying conclusion. We are extremely proud of this groundbreaking series, and felt it was important to give the fans a proper farewell.”

MTV has to premieres tonight “Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew” starts at 10 and “Take the Stage” is at 11. The network’s season one finale of “Teen Mom” on Tuesday earned 3.6 million total viewers.

The CW continues to prove its trying to be like USA Network circa 1989. CW picked up the pilot for “Nikita” a new look at the old sexy spy film/series “La Femme Nikita.”

A few more dramas in the works…

ABC approved an untitled crime drama pilot from writer Richard Hatem and director Gary Fleder, according to THR. The show matches a sexy female detective who works with a disgraced ex-cop to solve crimes.

NBC has a new 60-minute drama pilot in the works called “Justice” about a former Supreme Court justice who quits the high court to start his own practice.

The 90-minute season finale of “Sons of Anarchy” drew 4.33 million total viewers, making it the best-rated episode ever for this series, now through two seasons. FX announced it has ordered 13 episodes for the third season, which we’ll have to wait until next September for.

ABC is moving “Ugly Betty” to Wednesdays at 10 p.m. as of January 6 as part of ABC Comedy Wednesday. “Shark Tank” comes back to ABC on January 8 at 9 p.m.

Syfy has another new whimsical comedy series. “Outer Space Astronauts” premieres Tuesday at 9:30 p.m. The series was created by Russell Barrett, who developed the series at his home using computer graphics. It’s a five-par series airing Tuesdays at 9 after the first episode.

Bravo will sign on for a third season of “Shear Genius” starting in February.

ABC sent Blast a preview of tonight’s Nightline, where they interview wives of convicted white-collar criminals.

By ANDREA CANNING, ELIZABETH STUART and TOM McCARTHY

Each week Leslie Scrushy makes a two-hour drive with her kids to see her husband, Richard, in a federal prison in Beaumont, Texas. “It’s a scary place,” she said. “But thousands of wives and girlfriends and friends make this journey all over the country every week. So I’m not alone in doing this.”

The couple was once the toast of Birmingham, Ala., with a fortune of some $300 million.

That was until Richard Scrushy was found liable in a civil suit for $2.8 billion in one of the priciest judgments in the history of corporate scandals. Scrushy was acquitted of criminal charges in that case, but in a separate case, was convicted of bribery, conspiracy and mail fraud, landing him a seven-year sentence in federal prison.

Watch the full story on “Nightline” tonight at 11:35 p.m.

Within months, Leslie Scrushy became one of those women you see in designer suits walking in and out of court on the arm of her disgraced husband. She is now a member of an exclusive, if not vaunted, club: the formerly rich wives of husbands busted for white-collar crimes.

Leslie Scrushy said the family was working through the crisis.

“We just make the best of it,” she said. “[The kids are] not sad, they’re not depressed to be going to prison — they’re excited to be going to see their dad.”

In his first interview from prison, Richard Scrushy spoke to “Nightline” about the sacrifices his family is making. We spoke by phone, because the prison would not permit our cameras in.

“Sometimes I wonder if the judges realize that they punish the families many times more than they punish the inmate,” Scrushy said. “You’re in a horrible situation in here, and the other thing people don’t realize, we only have 10 minutes a day to talk to our family. I mean, it averages — we have 300 minutes a month. Every second is precious. Every second, every minute is precious and when you get a child on the phone and you talk three-four minutes… Those little children I have raised — you know, my little boy came in, he was in diapers. He was just 2 years old. And I’ve watched him– now he’s 5 years old.”

Scrushy maintains his innocence.

“So imagine sitting in a prison for 29 months knowing that you’ve done nothing wrong, you should not be here,” he said. “It’s been extremely difficult. I’ve had some really good friends that I’ve made in here over time, people that are in here as well. … Their being here is questionable, probably shouldn’t be here and I don’t know. It’s a tough situation but we get through. I’m in here with a lot of other men that have a lot of the same struggles that I have.”

‘I Believed Him’

Leslie Scrushy said she had asked her husband about the accusations against him before he was convicted.

“I didn’t say ‘Are you guilty,’ I said, ‘Did you know?’ And he said, ‘No, I did not know.’ … I believed him.”

Once, the Scrushys had their own church and television ministry, their own health care business called Healthsouth, a yacht, 19 cars and two 15,000-square-foot mansions. Then came the moment six years ago when Leslie realized her husband was in big trouble.

“That would be when the FBI raided Healthsouth and charges were leveled against Richard and every dollar that we had was frozen,” she said. “I was on the phone with a friend who was seeing it on the news. The ticker was reading on the television.”

Richard Scrushy was accused of defrauding Medicare and falsifying profits.

“It’s really — it can be scary, it can be — it’s difficult, it’s painful,” Leslie Scrushy said. “My husband was found guilty. And in that moment, it’s just, how could this be happening? … One of the most difficult things is people thinking that you are something that you are not.”

Their life literally went on the auction block: furniture, boats, priceless artwork, all sold to the highest bidder. But perhaps even more painful was the social backlash. Friends turned their backs. The Scrushys were even asked to leave a function at their own church.

“There would be things written about me that would be very untrue,” said Leslie Scrushy. “There are people that rejoice at our suffering. That’s painful. There’s some knowledge that was gained there. … It’s been a benefit, when you lose it all, to find out really the truth about who your friends are.”

For Leslie it was a huge challenge. But even though it would have been easier to walk away from her husband, she didn’t. She says she’d live through it all again because of what she learned in the process.

“I want to say that the money made me happy, but it didn’t,” she said. “If you were to go and ask me what’s the most horrific part of all this, it’s not having our family together. … I do know that I have a wealth of information about a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t know seven years ago.”

Leslie uprooted their children from Birmingham to Beaumont to be closer to their father.

Now the visiting room at the federal correctional complex in Beaumont has basically become their family room. Scrushy and her kids try their best to make it feel like home.

“It’s where we have our family time,” she said. “They have this salad you can order — well, buy, from the vending machine. And so I’ll fix it up for Richard and crunch up some Fritos and cheese chips and make those the croutons and cook for my husband.”

It might be vending machine food, but for Leslie and her kids, it’s the new reality of family dinner.

“I will forever look back on this time — would I have chosen it? No,” said Scrushy. “But if I had to take it all away and say OK, you can go back to the faith you had before you started this whole process. But you get everything back — you get your reputation back, you get your fake friends back, you get it all back, would you go back there if life could be dandy and fabulous? … I would rather stay right here facing everything that I’m facing, separated from my husband, not knowing when it’s going to change, and know what I know about God now.”

‘How Could You Do This?

Unlike Leslie Scrushy, Karen Weinreb said she feels bitter toward her convict husband. But like Scrushy, Weinreb is grateful for the way her fall from grace changed her outlook.

Weinreb said that originally it was the seduction of wealth that fooled her.

“Meeting my husband was like my Prince Charming had come into my life,” she told ABC News. “Anywhere we wanted to go we could go. There was no limit on it. We went to the Caribbean, and if we didn’t want to shop on Madison Avenue, we flew over to Milan to buy our clothes.”

Karen and her husband, David, lived in Bedford, N.Y., an affluent suburb that is also home to Ralph Lauren, Chevy Chase and Martha Stewart. Karen, a graduate of Yale and Oxford, never knew or asked how David, a Bloomberg salesman and hedge-fund manager, was getting so rich.

“The odd signs that I was noticing in the marriage, they could have been that he was having an affair or a drinking problem,” she said. “So … in my situation there was no one indication that he might have been committing crimes. However, I would caution women to pay attention to how the finances are being kept in a marriage — and I wasn’t.”

Karen’s life changed when David pleaded guilty to stealing millions from investors. She drove him to prison, and when she returned home her new reality set in.

“I can’t even pick up the phone and call my husband … he’s gone, he’s vanished and that’s when it really hit me and I actually became very angry,” she said. “How could you do this? How could you do this to your family and leave us like this?”

Still, Karen tried to keep her family together, even visiting David behind bars with their three boys.

“I remember one visit to the jail and my baby was crying and needed to be fed,” she said, “and the guard showed up right in front of me straight away and escorted me straight out and into a concrete bathroom, and I had to sit on the floor of a concrete bathroom and breastfeed my baby in the middle of prison, and I couldn’t believe it. … How can you go any lower than that?” Her marriage ended and her social status vanished.

“In the school corridors, the people I had dined with and traveled with and were friends with for a very long time would just literally walk past me and not say hello any longer,” she said. “It was like wearing a scarlet letter. And yet I hadn’t committed the act. Unfortunately the friends that I had made at that point were friends made in a very material world. And when the money went, so did the friends.”

But Karen said she’s learned to find happiness without the money.

“I lost a lot, you know, millions of dollars in property, and my reaction was that if you could lose something like this so quickly, then it had no value,” she said. “And things that do have value could never be taken so easily. So, things like your integrity, your love for your children, creativity, religion, your education. The capacity to love, those things can never be taken from you.”

Weinreb turned her experience into a novel, “The Summer Kitchen.” Writing became the ultimate therapy, she said.

“It forced me to put myself in the shoes of the other characters in this story, namely my husband and the people who were turning their backs,” Weinreb said. “What motivated my husband to do this, and what motivated those friends to turn their backs?”

The Scrushys are still dealing with prison life, but that hasn’t stopped them from also planning their future. Richard is writing a Christian album behind bars, inspired by Leslie.

“Lord, I can’t live without you,” Richard Scrushy sang. “Such pain we suffer when we’re lost. Man leading man is not the answer. Your love and grace, that’s all. ‘Cuz victory is a choice we make.”

Leslie Scrushy said she was standing by her man.

“I’ve had a suitcase packed for him,” she said. “He will come out of this place one day, and I will be here to pick him up. And I can’t wait.”

Copyright © 2009 ABC News Internet Ventures

This week on Modern Family: guest stars, bad 80s songs, and Yoko Ono jokes. Cam and Mitchell feel like they haven’t spent enough time in the adult world lately as they’ve been too preoccupied taking care of baby Lily. To rectify this situation, they call their best friend Sal to hang out. Enter the lovely Elizabeth Banks as the sloppy, single white girl. The reunion of friends seems to be going well until Sal gets a couple drinks in her and starts making death threats on baby Lily’s life every time she’s mentioned. Sal is definitely a character that could make future appearances in the show, so perhaps we will see more of Banks in the future.

And since there’s no threaded storyline that continues each week, Modern Family is the type of show that you can just jump in to and not be too concerned with a convoluted plot. They keep it funny and simple.

The other guest star this week was Edward Norton as the bass player from Spandau Ballet. When Claire is in a tight spot trying to find an anniversary present for Phil, she has what she thinks is a brilliant idea. She invites Norton’s character to the house as a surprise for Phil, wrongly thinking Spandau Ballet is his favorite group. Phil has never heard anything by the band, which makes for some awkward moments between Norton and Phil when the washed up rocker realizes Phil is not a "fandau".

However, the star of the show to me is always Manny. That chubby little Colombian kid gives the best facial expressions. In a somewhat creepy plotline, Manny has developed a crush on Claire’s eldest daughter Hailey. Hailey is technically Manny’s niece by marriage, even though she is older than him. The whacky age difference, the fact that he is a chubby Latino kid and the glare he gives Hailey’s boyfriend over a tiny espresso cup, takes away from the creepiness factor.

Modern Family airs Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. on ABC.

Not much today. Bravo has the premiere of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” at 10 p.m., and Investigation Discovery starts “Cold Blood,” also at 10.

ABC announced that “The Bachelor: On Wings of Love” will premiere January 4 at 8 p.m. This is the 14th edition of the reality show, and it will feature commercial airline pilot, Jake Pavelka, from Dallas, who was in the most recent “Bachelorette” only to fail.

FOX has a cool new CIA drama in the works from Chernin Entertainment, Variety reported. It’s untitled but it will be about a unit of the CIA that does “remote viewing,” finding out information using paranormal skills. No word on the cast.

In other FOX news, Colin Hanks will star in “Jack and Dan” opposite Bradley Whitford. Hanks will play Jack, a detective teamed up with a drunken maverick partner. This one will premiere in early 2010.

“V” is a hit. There’s no doubt. As far as science fiction on network television goes, it’s primed to be the most successful one we’ve seen, maybe ever.

Therefore, in good network television form, ABC is doing everything it can to totally screw it up.

According to ABC, 14.3 million people watched Tuesday’s series premiere of “V,” which challenged CBS and the current No. 1 show in America, “NCIS” in the Tuesday night ratings battle. In fact, “V” had the best debut of the 2009-10 fall television season.

It’s all gravy so far.

But ABC has decided only to air four episodes this fall. It will hold the remaining episodes for March — March — until after the NBC Winter Olympics coverage. Also, news came recently that the producers, who made “V” the ratings and popular success it is, are departing the show. “Chuck” executive producer Scott Rosenbaum will join the series as executive producer and showrunner, to pick up production, which was halted for what ABC called a “creative hiatus.”

ABC only filmed the fourth episode of “V” a few weeks ago, and the show will not go back into production — they won’t film the rest of the episodes — until January.

I have no explanation for any of this. Usually if a show debuts with the best ratings of the season you leave it alone and let the magic happen. This move reeks of no uncertain lack of confidence on ABC’s part.