Stargate Universe: Water 24

Wow … more sex drama. Ooo … Scott got caught with the senator’s daughter by his former lover. Why exactly did he stop banging the first girl anyway?

“General Hospital” is on Wednesdays at 3 p.m. on ABC, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

I’ve been holding back so far in my “Stargate Universe” episode reviews. I’m a fan. I keep hoping they’re going to bust out with “the big one,” and everyone is going to be happy.

We noticed later on in the “Stargate SG-1″ and “Atlantis” runnings that the powers that be would put together a fantastic opening plot, fraught with unimaginable danger and peril, only to hastily wrap it up when they ran out of time. We saw this when SG-1 “fought” Ares. How about “Red Alert?” That’s what’s happening so far in “Universe,” only it’s happening at the beginning of the series. And it’s happening on two fronts. The makers are building up this fantastical plot in every episode, complete with certain death. Only each episode spends 40 minutes building up a 5 minute plot. And each episode is building up to what we assume is going to be something, but we’re deeply into the season without any hint of the endgame.

In this episode, “Water,” Lt. Smith (Brian J. Young) nearly dies on an ice planet only to not die. This is maybe the third time this has happened to him.

Oh and an alien bug that may or may not be benevolent was flushed out of the ship via the Stargate. I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of that.

And that’s it. That’s all that happened on this week’s episode of “Stargate Universe.” It was 43 minutes of “oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, what are we gonna do?” and no substance. We know little more about the characters, and, frankly, I am starting to care less and less about each one to the point where I’d like to see someone killed off just to make things interesting. Do the producers forget what happened when Daniel Jackson died/ascended to a higher plane of existence on “SG-1?” People went nuts. People created “Save Daniel” websites. People were truly in love with these characters. To a slightly smaller extent, the same applied to the now-abandoned characters on “Atlantis.”

“Universe?” No one gives a shit about these people. Even Ben Browder has a proper introduction to “SG-1″ that made us care about him. And he’s a better actor than anyone on this new show. Even Robert Carlyle is beginning to let down (though, to his credit, it’s mostly the writing that’s making him look bad).

The producers are acting like they have a three-season order in place already from SyFy. All seven episodes have been garbage so far. They have done nothing to build a community feeling for the viewers. In the past two shows — and on any good sci-fi show — the audience is naturally brought in somehow. They feel included. In “Universe” we feel like the outsiders. We’re the nerdy kids watching the high school football game. There are aspects of a good sci-fi series that make people go apeshit and dress up in full-on cosplay costumes — that they make themselves, spending sometimes thousands of dollars on — to attend conventions.

What you never saw, was someone dressing up as their favorite Gilmore Girl. It’s a different fanbase, people.

Sadly, “Universe” fails both as a sci-fi show and a teenage melodrama, because the elements that attract sci-fi fans religiously aren’t there and the writing just sucks.

So we’ll see what happens next week.