Hey y’all! Chris Peck here. I’ll be your guide to every Holy Crap moment, boring speech or completely out-of-left-field award winner. Just refresh the page and you’ll find another witty remark. So stay tuned for all the minute-by-minute analysis (and by analysis I mean whining and complaining, but it’ll be funny!).
Check out “My Hypothetical Emmy Ballot” for who I think should be taking home golden statuettes—often performers who the Emmys ignored entirely.
8:05pm: Is this the Emmys’ attempt at satirizing binge-watching?
8:06pm: Love a good Girls/NCIS crossover.
8:07pm: Ha! Reality competition show judges are catty. OMG SO TRUE!
8:08pm: Clever. “Nontraditional relationships.”
8:09pm: Nothing would motivate me quite like Heisenberg.
8:09pm: HAHAHAHA, kids never get off their phones. HAHAHAHA.
8:10pm: I would totally buy Netflix brand contact lenses.
8:11pm: Hey everyone! Everyone remember when Jimmy Kimmel did just okay as host?
8:12pm: OH SNAP! LESBIAN JOKE ON JANE LYNCH!
8:12pm: In case you didn’t know, Neil Patrick Harris is GAY. Because the subtext isn’t clear.
8:14pm: Love me a Kevin Spacey maniacal stare. And a parody of House of Cards narration.
8:15pm: TINA AND AMY!!!! “Take your pants off!”
8:16pm: “We would be de-grateful.” Genius.
8:16pm: They might milking the twerking thing a little too much.
8:18pm: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series…Meritt Wever? SHE’S NOT ON MODERN FAMILY?!?!?!
8:19pm: “I GOTTA GO. Dead.
8:21pm: Is this gonna be a thing? People who deserve awards actually getting them?
8:23pm: Oh that’s right. LL Cool J is on CBS and not rapping. Sadness commence.
8:25pm: Writing in a Comedy Series…Tina Fey! Well deserved and probably many sendoff awards for 30 Rock.
8:26pm: “No one said you could talk Tracy.” Love Tina.
8:27pm: So many Modern Family dads! Glad someone said it.
8:28pm: TONY HALE WON?!?! Will justice at last reign supreme?!?!
8:29pm: My only wish is that he would be recognized for Arrested Development, too.
8:30pm: Jonathan Winters tribute. Emmys ftw.
8:31pm: “Thanks for the spark, big guy.” Robin Williams is about to make me cry.
8:36pm: I need my sister to stop fawning over Jon Hamm’s scruff.
8:37pm: Lead Actress in a Comedy Series..Julia Louis-Dreyfus! Wanted Amy, but way to go Veep!
8:39pm: Tony Hale doing his Gary bit from Veep is fantastic.
8:40pm: Annnd Anna Chlumsky was texting hahaha.
8:41pm: Margo Martindale shaming Will Arnett. Comedy gold.
8:42pm: Melissa Leo killed that episode of Louie.
8:44pm: Oh wait, Modern Family is stealing awards from Louie and Girls. So it’s still the Emmys.
8:45pm: Sofia Vergarra’s boobs, always good for a laugh.
8:46pm: “Laughter kills innocent people.” Truer words…
8:47pm: *crosses fingers* LOUIE, LOUIE, LOUIE, LOUIE.
8:48pm: And the rich get richer…Jim Parsons is funny though. Good on ya. Louie, I recognize your greatness!
8:50pm: Man, All in the Family is excellent. As was Edith Bunker. RIP Jean Stapleton.
8:55pm: SIR Elton John. Hell yeah.
8:57pm: So many gay jokes, haha. Gotta love Hollywood.
9:02pm: Elton John just LITERALLY put my mom to sleep…HAHAHA
9:04pm: If Elisabeth Moss doesn’t win, I quit. Like, quit life (don’t be concerned, it’s only sarcasm).
9:05pm: I’m upset. And Laura Linney couldn’t even show her face. EVEN SHE’S ASHAMED!
9:11pm: “The symptoms of EHD appear in a host of ways.” Niceeee.
9:12pm: I guess Arsenio Hall really IS back on TV.
9:12pm: “The Ryan Seacrest Center for Excessive Hosting.” SO good.
9:13pm: Writing for a Drama Series…”Q&A,” Homeland. RIP Henry Bromell. Excellent writer, and he will be missed.
9:15pm: Supporting Actress in a Drama…ANNA GUNN! So deserving. Finally some vindication for Skyler White!
9:17pm: Ugh. Cory Monteith. Too tragic. Jane Lynch, very sensitive and touching in her words on addiction.
9:24pm: I really was wondering when the musical number was coming…
9:26pm: Amber Alert here in CT cutting off the number. Puts a lot in perspective. Now the feed is back and it’s really hard to enjoy this at the moment.
9:28pm: I will give them points for being MAD meta/post-postmodern with that, haha.
9:29pm: Mindy Kaling somehow made that technical malfunction less awkward by flirting with Green Arrow.
9:30pm: NOT Amazing Race for Reality Competition? This night is FULL of surprises. Oh, and yay The Voice, I guess.
9:39pm: Haven’t watched Boardwalk Empire, but Saul, Tyrion, Mike and Jesse were ROBBED!!!!!
9:40pm: Seriously, thought it was going to Aaron Paul for a three-peat FOR SURE.
9:41pm: JEFF FUCKING DANIELS?!?!?!?!
9:42pm: He wins over Cranston, Hamm, Lewis and Spacey? I don’t get it. I just don’t.
9:44pm: Don’t know how I feel about this tribute. It’s essentially self-congratulation, right? Isn’t television great for showing us all these important events in our history? It’s a cool retrospective, but, it’s like a huge pat on the back.
9:46pm: Any excuse to sing a Beatles song though, am I right?
9:48pm: She’s not doing horribly, but how does Carrie Underwood reflect 1963 exactly?
9:50pm: Maybe I’m just bitter and jaded overall because of that Best Lead Actor in a Drama Series ridiculousness. Seriously. Like even Jeff Daniels was joking around like, really? I was your best choice?
9:52pm: I mean the guy was chewing gum for Christ’s sake he was so not prepared to be on camera.
9:55pm: Claire Danes. The goddess of drama can not be outdone.
9:56pm: More due praise and reverence for Henry Bromell. Go out and read some of his writing. You won’t regret it.
9:58pm: Hank and Daenerys Targaryen! What a pair!
9:59pm: BOO! DIANA RIGG SHOULD HAVE WON!
10:00pm: I LOVE David Fincher. His movies are some of my favorites. But Michelle MacLaren’s work on Breaking Bad is unparalleled. An absolute visionary.
10:03pm: Love the Toddlers in Tiaras for the Real Time writers. Very clever.
10:04pm: Colbert Report writing staff had a helluva year. Good looks Emmys. Why can’t you be a BIT more consistent in getting it right?
10:05pm: “I wanna thank my wife…for being so cruel and sexy.” Colbert, you dog.
10:09: Edie Falco tribute to James Gandolfini coming up…that’s gonna kill me.
10:14pm: Very cool. Choreography winner announced live for first time.
10:16pm: Great song choice. Can’t go wrong with Sinatra.
10:18pm: I REALLY like this, different sets/choreography for each nominee. Pretty genius. Glad these choreographers are getting their showcase. Digging this SO hard. Think Mad Men was my favorite, Game of Thrones close second.
10:21pm: Good for you, Julianne Hough’s brother.
10:22pm: COLBERT REPORT AGAIN! LOVE IT!
10:23pm: So cool of him to thank Jon Stewart both times.
10:24pm: Here comes the waterworks…MISS YOU TONY SOPRANO!
10:25pm: “You all knew Jim, the actor. I was lucky enough to know Jim the man…” Such heartfelt words.
10:32pm: “No one in America is winning their Emmy office pool.” SO TRUE!
10:33pm: Seriously? No Top of the Lake love? I feel like writing was its best shot.
10:35pm: I don’t support any wins for American Horror Story in this category. They’re cheating. It’s CLEARLY an ongoing series. UGH.
10:36pm: “And I’m here for the sex appeal.” *Rimshot* Well played, Academy guy!
10:46pm: Fine. Soderbergh is a good director. But, but, Jane Campion though!
10:50pm: The greatest mystery of this weird ceremony is why we’re still on the miniseries awards this late in the telecast. Who was waiting on these exactly? Why not have the lead actor/actress awards leading into Comedy and Drama Series?
10:55pm: “I SMELL A THREE-WAY!” So much yes NPH!
10:56pm: Michael Douglas. Anyone surprised? Movie stars RULE the Emmys.
10:57pm: “This was a two-hander…” “You want the bottom or the top?” Matt Damon and Michael Douglas are both twelve years old, and I approve.
10:59pm: Great. Liberace biopic won. Can we PLEASE move on to Comedy and Drama? We’re over time now.
11:04pm: Will Ferrell looking very dress-down Friday. And apparently it’s Take Your Kid To Work Day.
11:05pm: FOUR YEARS IN A ROW?! Seriously? I knew it wouldn’t be Louie, Girls or Veep, like it should. But you couldn’t give 30 Rock a proper sendoff? No consistency at ALL. So random, until it’s predictable again.
11:08pm: “This is the Emmys. Don’t blow this for me.” This bit is pretty great.
11:09pm: AHHHHHHHH! BREAKING BAD!!!!!! I’M LEGITIMATELY SHOCKED AFTER AARON PAUL AND BRYAN CRANSTON DIDN’T WIN. Sooooooo freaking happy for Vince Gilligan, the evil genius of television.
It’s been a pleasure, folks! Glad we could go out on that incredible note.