“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1″ review — a waste of time, money and brain cells 0

★☆☆☆

Long story short: if you liked all the other “Twilight” movies then you will probably like this one. If you never liked it before, this movie isn’t going to change your views. Twihards beware: I am one of the latter. I have seen them all, and the only good movie in the entire series was probably the second one. Oh…and I’ll come clean and announce that if I’m going to be on any team then I’m on team Jacob. All the scenes without Edward were the very best.

Plot time: if you read the books there are no surprises. Stefanie Meyers must have kept director Bill Condon on a short leash. There was no deviation from the written word. I almost feel like I could read the book side-by-side with the movie dialogue. Bella Swann (Kristen Stewart) is planning for her wedding with vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Sparks are heated between the vampires and the werewolves over whether turning Bella into a vampire breaks the ancient treaty of doing no harm to humans. But it’s not happening yet. Edward and Bella decide to have a honeymoon before the big change.

The vampire allegory for a pure virginal marriage comes through when the happy couple completely ignore birth control and end up with an “uh oh.” Bella becomes pregnant with vampire spawn and we are faced with another allegory for the debate for life vs. choice. Edward wants the baby gone before it can kill Bella, but Bella wants the baby to live even if she dies bringing it into the world. This sparks a civil war in the werewolf tribe. The current leader sees the baby as a threat to their pack. Now Jacob has to make the choice to stay with his kind or renege to save Bella.

The story is enough to make you cringe and/or laugh, but it’s the film style that really takes “Breaking Dawn” over the top. There were very few special effects. When there were, they were laughably out of place. A fuzzy dream sequence here, angry red vision there. If they appeared more often then they wouldn’t seem like such afterthoughts being thrown between the frames. The choice of music had the same affect. Whose idea was it to play hippie stoner music for the love montage scenes?

Directed by: Bill Condon
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner
Rated: PG-13

I think Condon tried his best, but teenage monster love is a little outside his purview. This is the guy who did “Dream Girls” and wrote in “Chicago.” I would be interested in seeing if turning “Twilight” into a sing-along would make it any better. Condon has also done a lot of movies I’ve never even heard of, which is why probably wanted to tack his name onto a huge movie franchise even if it’s bad. The most stylistically beautiful scene in the whole movie was a red and white wedding nightmare Bella had. It was visually stunning and it stands out. I could see musical theatre written all over it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they burst into song about the dangers and delights of being married to a vampire. Doesn’t that sound funny?

This was the Condon’s chance to take this movie to the next level and he scaled it back. Remember how much fun it was counting how many times Jacob took off his shirt in the last movie? Well he only took his shirt off once! The rest of the werewolves were fully clothed the entire time too. If I’m going to sit through 120 minutes of a “Twilight” movie, I at least expect some eye candy. But no…this was a purity driven film where the only action we got was the haphazard sex scenes that Pattinson clearly didn’t get into. I’m telling you the chemistry is gone.

I know the Twihards out there are going to hate me for hating on this, but I tell you now that this is the worst movie of the four so far. Go see it for yourself, but remember you won’t ever get those two hours back.