Varys (Conleth Hill) and Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) plan for the impending siege of King's Landing.

I recognize that the following critique may seem hypocritical, considering I gave such high praise to last week’s “downtime.” But as much as the cunning and contemplation continues to enchant me, a consecutive week of the proverbial “calm before the storm” antics just didn’t cut it. The writers are stalling. Granted, it’s some of the most charismatic and enthralling diversion you will find on TV today, but when epic battles lurk in the shadows, my lust for blood grows.

Stannis is on the high seas about to thrash King’s Landing. Tywin hurries out of Winterfell’s gates to ride for Robb Stark’s camp. And Roose Bolton’s bastard Ramsay Snow, boldly approaches the Theon-occupied Winterfell. Last week had me licking my chops, awaiting the fall of these dominos. This week, I moaned and groaned as Daenerys dawdled outside the House of the Undying. Huge, seismic shifts in power and influence are dangling in front of us, it’s hard not to get stir crazy. To the show’s credit, “Prince of Winterfell” wasn’t just a cheap opening act, a place-filler. While some plots advanced at a snail’s pace (I’m looking at you Jon Snow and Daenerys), some story lines had startling shakeups—Cersei’s cruelty toward Tyrion and Robb’s romantic dalliance among them.

Part of my impatience might also come from the tonal shift. Ominous warnings of an otherworldly dark force descending upon Westeros to unleash chaos never came to fruition. My intuition insists it will, but when one’s hopes are launched into the sky, it’s hard to fall softly down to earth for an relaxed endeavor into stories and c-words. And that’s really what this episode came down to. Chiefly our new arrivals, sat back and told us their sob stories, and some familiar faces dropped c-bombs in frustration concerning the deception and ruthlessness that surrounds them. I’m not one to be squeamish about vulgarities, but it was odd to hear three different characters curse their loved ones and the gods above for being stupid and vicious Cs.

At any rate, while any time spent in this world with these tragic pawns on the “Game of Thrones” chessboard is splendid, I felt the foot easing off the gas when last week suggested that steel and sorcery alike would strike down the weak-hearted and the feeble-minded. There’s still that gloomy fog threatening, but the quiet hum of the thick air almost lulled me into a peaceful slumber before the booming drums of war.

Winterfell

C-word #1 is Theon Greyjoy, a dumb C according to his sister, Yara. She arrives at the Northern capital he conquered and berates him for his slew of decisions. First, Winterfell is too far from the sea. They are an island people, what purpose would land 100 miles in have for them? Also, now that she presumes he’s charred up the princes of Winterfell, he’s the most wanted man in the North. She mocks him and calls him out as a petulant child, branding him as weak and stupid. When he tries to “warn her,” she doesn’t flinch. She has many brutish Iron Islanders who would gladly dispense of the twerp if need be.

Yara takes some pity on him though when she dismisses her soldiers and speaks freely, not putting on assertive airs for the troops. She implores Theon to come home or he will die alone when the Northern bannermen come for vengeance. But stubborn and prideful as he is, he wants to stay and stake his claim as the new lord of Winterfell. He did a sloppy job acquiring the land, clinging to excess and showmanship instead of taking what he needed and commanding respect. His sister leaves him with a touching anecdote about how he was a terrible baby, bawling all the time. But one night when his screams made her want to strangle him, she stood over his crib and he looked up, and stopped. The metaphor is a delicate one, and I believe received it. When you were small, you respected me and knew I was looking out for you. You didn’t make a fuss, you listened. Do the same now. Know that I want you safe, that’s the only reason I’m standing over you. This is an instance where the sharing of stories between characters illuminated the situation. We learn more about the dynamic of the Greyjoy family, and his internal conflict is further elucidated.

Just as this location kicks off the proceedings, it wraps them. As Maester Luwin wanders the grounds, overhearing Theon and his first mate discuss paying the farmer for his “troubles,” he witnesses Osha smuggling food. He follows her into the underground crypts. They discuss never telling Bran about how Theon killed the farmer’s two boys to make the townspeople believe he’d been brutally murdered. Cut to an awake Bran absorbing the whole conversation, likely torn up about how his royalty has endangered others. This is supposed to be a big reveal no doubt, one the episode hinges on, BUT I was sure those were the farmer’s kids from the jump. Therefore while it’s a somber scene, it’s not one that made my heart leap to see Bran alive. Truthfully, Bran’s survival solves nothing. Youthful lives were still erased in the name of intimidation. Theon is still a sociopath who willingly had children burned alive to send a message. He’s a miserable leader, but he’s succeeded in proving he’s not beyond atrocity. And while I’m thrilled as a viewer to see Bran safe, I can’t help but mourn for the less fortunate, the non-Princes who were deemed a necessary expense for the security of the noble born. Doesn’t seem fair.

Beyond the Wall

One of the stagnancy victims this week is Jon Snow and his Night’s Watch brothers. As we know, he’s captured. Ygritte throws him before the feet of the Lord of Bones, who looked like the lovechild of an eskimo and a Juggalo. He wants to “chop his balls off,” since he already has a “crow” prisoner—I guess “crow” is a derogatory term for men of the Black? Ygritte has his life spared though by revealing that he is the son of Ned Stark and that Mance Rayder, King beyond the Wall, might be interested in speaking with him. Even in death, Ned Stark’s name has meaning.

Jon Snow is guilt-ridden to learn that the other men on their expedition were killed all because of his carelessness in not decapitating the gorgeous Ygritte. Halfhand tries to dispel that fault, but he does acknowledge he has a debt to pay, and that if he were to infiltrate the wildlings, that would be worth it. So as they trek along a mountain ledge he fakes an argument and pushes him off. The rest walk ahead and Ygritte falls behind to assist him. Is Halfhand suggesting that by getting in the girl’s pants he can attain vital intelligence? That sort of espionage doesn’t seem like Jon Snow’s forte, but I’m also shaky on what Halfhand’s plan after so little time beyond the wall.

We do get a brief scene, however, back at the main camp where Sam Tarly is digging a latrine pit. While shoveling, his pal (I believe named Grenn?) stumbles upon some markings that Sam suspects were made by The First Men. Underneath the markings, an assortment of ancient obsidian daggers is stowed away. Sam refers to as “dragonglass.” Intriguing, but I’m clueless since that’s the extent of our drop-in. It seems that because the writers wish to spread out all developments until the finale, so we only get this teaser. I’d rather do as they did earlier in the season, neglect a few locations an episode, and then come back there in a week or two. I won’t forget Jon Snow exists for a week, I swear.

Robb Stark’s camp

While not much happens in this episode, progress is made on a couple of loose ends. As Robb and Talisa stroll to whatever or wherever The Crag is, Robb mythologizes his father with a couple exceptional quotes: “He said being a Lord is like being a father, except you have thousands of children to worry about” and “He woke up with fear in the morning and fell asleep with fear in the night. I asked him, ‘How can a man be brave if he’s afraid?’ That is the only time a man can be brave, he told me.” Ah, Ned. You were an extraordinary human being. Too good for this here game.

Suddenly, a messenger gallops toward them with the news that Jamie Lannister has escaped again. But this time, he was let out. It’s a heartbreaking scene when Robb learns it was his mother, Catelyn Stark who released him. She sent him off with Brienne to trade for her daughters’ lives. Robb knows this is foolish to expect a fair trade, and that with Jamie in custody they had the upper hand. He has her locked up so that there isn’t more dissension among his bannermen who wanted Jamie executed for his crimes.

Then we get a cut to possibly the greatest idea for a GoT spinoff besides the Arya Stark and Tywin Lannister talk show. Brienne and Jamie, on the road to King’s Landing. The comedy gods have smiled upon us. Brienne, is stoic and loyal and steadfast. Jamie is manipulative, selfish, and loudmouthed. But both are respected warriors. Jamie tries to goad Brienne with taunts that she is as boring as she is ugly, and he questions whether she could hold her own if she undid his chains. While Brienne is fierce, as a swordsman Jamie is among the best in Westeros. Brienne is not stupid. She tunes him out, throws him in a canoe and paddles out. This duo could provide multiple possibilities for tension in the remaining two episodes.

Another instance of stories as distractions from the impending war is provided courtesy of by the bombshell nurse, Talisa. But with her ethical fortitude and killer bod, she may have endangered the North. She tells Robb the story of how her brother drowned on her watch, on a hot day in Volantis. She had thought he was gone when a slave with a fish tattoo on his face (to distinguish him as a lower class member) pushed her aside—a crime worthy of death since she is a highborn girl—and performed CPR, reviving the young boy. This event made her realize two things. One, she wouldn’t waste her life planning masquerades like a typical lady. Two, she wouldn’t live in a slave city ever again. As mentioned this exhibited why Robb has been so drawn to her.

Her conceptions of justice and righteousness may sometimes rival his own, but her convictions are strong. And that turns him on. He blurts out that his doesn’t want to marry the Frey girl, the one he is betrothed to. Robb then rips her clothes off and they to the floor with her aggressively mounting him, geared up for a rigorous love-making session. This is a complication to say the least. A commander with his mind on a woman, one whom he cannot marry, is asking for trouble. Maybe the idea that much of this episode felt like a distraction from doom ahead is actually a commentary on the characters themselves. Robb doesn’t want to face battle anymore. He confides in Talisa that he wants to go home. Maybe, the writers aren’t wading in the shallow end, maybe it’s the warriors of Westeros who aren’t ready to take the plunge into bloodshed yet.

King’s Landing

Since Cersei and certainly Joffrey seem inept, the preparations for Stannis’ siege are left to Tyrion, Bronn and Varys. Bronn has rounded up all the known thieves, which appalls Tyrion, but Bronn cleverly persuades him that they are the greatest enemies in times of siege, where those who aren’t fighting are starving as thieves scrounge up all the food for themselves so they come out rich when the warring’s over. Tyrion the searches his books some more for a solution to their lack of strategy.

Then we get our obligatory face-off at the dinner table between Cersei and Tyrion. She corners Tyrion about Joffrey’s insistence that he will suit up, and Tyrion says he approves. Men will fight valiantly with their king beside them. But Cersei’s aware that Tyrion would love for the runt to be killed as a result. She insults him saying, “You know why Varys is so dangerous? Because he doesn’t have a cock. That little worm between your legs does half your thinking.” When Tyrion makes the smart remark that it’s not that little, Cersei smiles deviously (and man does Lena Headey do that so well). She proclaims that she has his whore. He tries to act unaffected, joking that he thought she preferred blondes (only in the family) and that whores are just for rent, but Cersei knows that he cares for this whore, maybe even loves her. She threatens that if Joffrey is hurt, she will suffer every wound he does. “And if he dies, there isn’t a man alive who can devise a more painful death for your little…” and there goes C-word #2!

Tyrion asks to see her, and thankfully it is Ros that is whisked out, not Shae. Tyrion doesn’t allow much relief on his face, and he even promises to free Ros. Then he turns to his sister and declares his own war. “I will hurt you for this. The day will come when you think you are happy, and your joy turns to ash in your mouth.” If this episode has one saving grace, it’s that the dialogue kicked serious ass. Tyrion then runs to his quarters to make sure Shae’s still there. When he sees her at the balcony his “You’re beautiful,” is genuine. He vows he would kill for her and has her promise she is his. She consents and we see that Tyrion, who we thought was the baddest mofo in Westeros, is just as vulnerable as Robb. As Arya would say, any man can be killed. And love will likely be his assassin.

Tyrion and Varys then spend another calm reflection scene looking out over the city. Joffrey appears to arrogantly dismiss Stannis by implying he’ll give the unsmiling man a red smile, slicing him from ear to ear. Tyrion is not impressed. Varys then compliments Tyrion by saying that he is a great Hand to the King. He adds that while Jon Arryn and Ned Stark despised the game, Tyrion enjoys it. Tyrion wholeheartedly agrees, and he wants to keep playing. This open talk among the characters about their lives being a game with rules fixed to struggle and ambition reminds me a lot of “The Wire.” Then he jokes that all they gods are “vicious…” c-word #3! He asks, where’s the god of tits and wine? Varys informs him that the Summer Isles worships a fertility god and Tyrions playfully commands they sail there immediately. Tyrion just wants to enjoy life, and live it to the fullest. But to love women and sip sweet nectars you must pay a hefty toll.

Harrenhal

Tywin looks to catch Robb off guard and marches for his last known settlement. Arya wants to kill Tywin to save her brother and searches for Jaqen, who owes her one more death. Unable to find him before Tywin rides off, she asks him hours later if he can still kill him. He says he cannot, and asks for another name. She goes cutthroat rogue (the Arya I love) and says his own name. He begs her to say another and she says she will if he helps her, Gendry, and some fat kid named Hot Pie (no joke) escape. He abides, by telling them to simply walk through the gates at a certain time and the path will be clear. Lo and behold, the guards are all brutally slain and Arya and the gang just mosey on through.

On the High Seas

In this inexact location we visit Stannis as he nears King’s Landing. He shoots the breeze with Davos who explains that he’s not ashamed of his history of an onion trader and a crabber’s son. Then Stannis describes how they met, a gruesome situation where his brother Robert had him hold Storm’s End, and he and his men nearly starved before Davos’ ship snuck through with sustenance that Stannis then promptly pilfered. He’s still disgruntled over Robert giving Storm’s End to a young Renly and feels his services were taken for granted. But this is his time. He’s got a hell of a fleet, the Lord of the Light in his corner, and a tattered opposition. He assures Davos the position of Hand to the King is his once he seizes the throne, which seems all but a formality at this point.

Qarth

Nothing really happens here. Honestly. Jorah says it is too dangerous to stay and rescue Daenery’s dragons when he has a ship now that can take them across the Narrow Sea. But she resists, saying they are her children, and she strokes Jorah’s cheek retelling the tale of the night she walked out of the fire. The lovestruck man submits and says he would die for her. Could you imagine if she spread her legs for him? He’s be a mess! So, there you have it. After a pointless argument, Daenerys has Jorah’s support to enter the House of the Undying, but we don’t see it nor venture in there yet.

This feeling of disappointment was palpable for the first time this season. The ending revelation was not one for most, and several strands were left undone, leaving room for an epic penultimate next week. And while looking forward and creating anticipation is admirable, any sign of a letdown does not result in a net gain. While I still fully support a show with characters this vibrant, and with dialogue this electric, swapping stories is not the substance this show is built on. This show is about living legends, about unraveling myths firsthand. I’m ready for a clash of kings to occur soon, as much as I revel in a war of words. A lower grade for “The Prince of Winterfell” does not mean marked decline  (like the one Bronn incited in crime at the capital). It means we’re a wandering horde of warriors, awaiting our fate on the battlefield, and instead we watched our fearless leader drag his feet and say, “Did I ever tell you about the time…?”

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

Kim Raver, left, will not return next season

Full Disclosure: I quit on “Grey’s Anatomy” a few episodes into Season 7. While the gunman at the conclusion of Season 6 offered hope that the show was getting back onto the right track, it didn’t capitalize, and I finally gave up on a show that I loved.

To be fair though, “Grey’s Anatomy” quit on me years before that. Season 4 to be exact. Not suggesting correlations here, just offering up facts–the moment that Addison and Burke left and Lexie waltzed in, this show starting getting really bad. Remember Izzie operating on a deer? Yeh. It was a shame–this was THE BEST SHOW on television for a solid 2 years (during that crappy Sopranos Season 6 Part 1 plus break period); it was far better than 24 in 2006, and should have won Outstanding Drama instead of Jack Bauer’s really long day.

But since then, the show has had intermittent ups, with lots of downs. Season 4 closed out strong, and season five was a monumental back and forth, aided by Izzie’s cancer turn, Derek’s mom and the serial killer arc. Season 6 was mostly a mess, with the typically lovable Kim Raver offering nothing, and Arizona and Owen existing as purely dead weight, there for romantic intrigue of more interesting characters.

All of this said, I’m a thoroughly read guy, so I’ve been catching the highlights since I bailed on the show, and in recent weeks, I’d been turned onto Shonda Rhimes warning of a major shift ahead. She even tweeted yesterday, warning viewers it would not be a good night.

And she was right. It was a disturbing, maddeningly sad episode, that featured many unsightly surgical shots and some slit-your-wrists moments. But in many ways, it was a return to form for the uneven once-great soap.

Lexie’s death was not surprising, in that it had been predicted by many sites leading up to the episode. But boy was it shocking, whacking a character with the title in her last name. And what a number this one will do on the rest of the characters next season no?

Giving Teddy the boot was also startling, ending yet another cardio run that was less than favorable. While it opens Christina to take the position, giving the revolving door that one has been, I’m not sure she should want the job.

Which brings us back to the core group–mainly Derek, Meredeith, and Christina, out there trying not to die from their latest malady–a friggin plane crash! Christina, in a vintage performance by Sandra Oh, even lamented the constant misfortune that befalls her erstwhile family at Seattle-Grace-Mercy-Death.

And Meredith. Just when it seemed her life was getting cushy and dark twisty Meredith was gone, bam, it’s time for a reprise.

There were more shockers–it was a “Grey’s Anatomy” season finale afterall–but for me, I’m more concerned with what it means.

Lexie’s emergence coincided with the shows fall from grace (again, not suggesting correlation), and Teddy has been an awful presence on the show for years now. And with both of them exiting and the residents moving into legit surgeon status, it leaves me wondering if the show has the wherewithal within to return to prominence for what is likely to be two final seasons (the main cast signed two year deals, which would bring it to a nice, round, ten seasons).

Beyond that, Private Practice is looking to end its run next season, and there’s hope that Addison could return to the mothership for a final season.

So, believe it or not–through last night’s death and mayhem, is it possible that “Grey’s” has turned the corner of a very painful middle chapter in its history, and could be staring down a graceful final run, befitting the greatness of its early years?

Who knows. Time will tell–and I think I’ll be watching.

The following is our list of the Top 20 episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” as of the end of the seventh
season. The list is chronological by season, starting with the first. Enjoy!

1.  Season 1, Episode 3:  Sweet Taste of Liberty

Ted: "Fine, we'll go lick the Liberty Bell"

Summary:

Barney convinces Ted that he needs to break his normal routine of going to the same bar
every night. He takes Ted to JFK to pick up girls, using a fake story about being businessmen
returning from a trip to Japan. They eventually end up in Philadelphia, where Barney persuades
a reluctant Ted to lick the Liberty Bell.

Why it Made the List:

“Sweet Taste of Liberty” really sets up how crazy Barney is, how he has the ability to pull Ted
into his misadventures, and to what lengths Barney is willing to go to in order to get laid. The
episode explores the Ted / Barney relationship and helps explain why Ted keeps Barney around,
despite his various flaws.

2.  Season 1, Episode 14:  Zip, zip, zip

Robin teams up with Barney for some laser tag

Summary:

Ted and Victoria are hitting their stride as a couple. After initially waiting, Ted and Victoria
pick a night to have sex before she leaves town for awhile. They go to Ted’s apartment, which
is supposed to be empty, and get busy. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Ted, Lily and Marshall
bailed on their nine-month anniversary trip plans and stayed home instead. They hide in the
bathroom to avoid being found out, and must stay there while Ted and Victoria get hot-and-
heavy in the living room.

Meanwhile, Robin decides to be Barney’s “bro” for the night, joining him for a cigar and a drink
at a bar (suited up, nonetheless), and for a game of laser tag later on. When they head back to
Robin’s apartment, Barney mistakes Robin’s excitement for playing the board game “Battleship”
for a sexual euphemism and starts getting undressed. In the awkwardness that ensues, Robin
admits to Barney that she has feelings for Ted.

Why it Made the List:

“Zip, zip, zip” packed a whole lot of important material into one episode. First, we get to see
how great Robin and Barney are together (setting up their future relationship). Then, Robin
reveals that she actually does have feelings for Ted, which is sure to complicate his recently
blossoming relationship with Victoria. Plus, Lily and Marshall wrestle with the problem of
being out of “firsts” in their relationship – certainly something that every long-term couple can
relate to. Lily and Marshall being locked in the bathroom leads to some great comedy, as does
Robin being Barney’s “bro”. This one is an all-around solid episode.

3. Season 1, Episode 15: Game Night

Barney gets an origin story episode, and not all of it is pretty...

Summary:

The gang gets together for game night, in which Marshall introduces a new game that he created – Marshgammon. Marshall uses the game to find out more about Victoria, who Ted brought along. Lily reveals that someone gave her a tape to give to Barney, who tries to destroy it upon finding out who it’s from. Despite Barney’s protests, the group watches the tape, which reveals a long-haired, hippy-looking Barney crying into the camera.

Later, at MacLaren’s, Barney tells the sad tale behind the videotape, but only in sections as each friend reveals their most embarrassing stories. We find out that Barney became the playboy he is today because of a failed relationship with a girl named Shannon, who left him for a suited alpha-male named Greg. Also, just recently Barney reunited with Sharon, who is now raising Greg’s kid on her own. In an ending fit for Barney’s character, he gets closure on the whole tragic storyline by having sex with Shannon.

Why it Made the List:

“Game Night” was the episode that really turned Barney into a dynamic character. Up to this point, he’d been a monotonous player who only had one agenda – to get laid as much as possible. But here we find out that there is actually a reason for the way he is, and that he wasn’t always how he is now. Seeing the way that Barney was with Shannon gives us hope that someday he may be able to ditch his womanizing ways and settle down with the right girl.

Another reason “Game Night” made the list: Marshgammon. Marshall’s complex creation has the entire group confused, and to make matters worse, one of the rules is that a player has to drink if they ask, “What?” Hilarious.

4. Season 2, Episode 9: Slap Bet

Barney reacts to being slapped across the face by Marshall

Summary:

When Robin makes it clear that she does not want to go to the mall, the rest of the gang try to figure out why. Marshall hypothesizes that she was married at a Mall in Canada, and Barney suggests that Robin did pornography in Canada. They agree to a Slap Bet, in which the winner of the bet gets to slap the loser, and appoint Lily as Slap Bet Commissioner.

Eventually, Robin admits that she did get married in a mall, so Marshall slaps Barney. But it is later revealed that Robin lied, so Lily awards Barney 3 slaps on Marshall (for being prematurely slapped). Barney gets a hold of a video of Robin who appears under the alias of Robin Sparkles. He plays the first few minutes of the video, which seems to suggest that it is a porno. Barney pauses the video before anything risqué can happen and slaps Marshall for having won the bet. But Robin continues playing the video, and it turns out that it is not porn but in fact an embarrassing music video. Due to Barney’s erroneous slap on Marshall, Lily gives him two choices: to be slapped 10 times in a row right now, or to be slapped 5 times from now until eternity at whatever time Marshall chooses. Barney chooses the latter, setting up the long-running Slap Bet joke for future episodes to come (in which it is wonderfully revisited).

Why it Made the List:

“Slap Bet” is easily one of HIMYM’s greatest episodes. The Slap Bet ends up being a long-running joke that they excellently revisit in future episodes with phenomenal timing. This episode gave birth to “Slapsgiving”, the Slap Countdown, Marshall’s “You Just Got Slapped” song, and many other well-placed slaps randomly scattered through the following seasons.

“Slap Bet” also introduced us to another HIMYM classic: Robin Sparkles, and her hit song, “Let’s Go to the Mall”. The show revisits the Robin Sparkles joke a number of times, most notably for her follow-up song, “Sandcastles in the Sand,” which appears in the Season 3 episode of the same name. “Let’s Go to the Mall” was so popular with the show’s viewers that it actually made it onto the real-life videogame “Just Dance 3”. Two classic HIMYM jokes in one episode means it has to make the Top 20 list.

5. Season 2, Episode 21: Something Borrowed

Barney finally weds Marshall and Lily after a long day of wedding disasters

Summary:

On Lily and Marshall’s wedding day, a number of unfortunate events occur that ruin any chance of having the perfect wedding. Lily’s problems include her ex-boyfriend, Scooter, showing up to the wedding (her family invited him), her veil being ruined, the flowers not showing up, and the harp player going into labor. Marshall’s mishaps include accidently getting his hair bleached (the tips) and then shaving off a long strip of his hair in a sudden panic.

Marshall and Lily are ready to call off the wedding, but Ted saves the day by suggesting they have the small ceremony they always wanted outside, away from all of their guests. Barney was recently licensed to marry people, so under a tree outside, Barney weds Lily and Marshall in front of just two people – Ted and Robin. The wedding reception at the very end of the episode carries into the season 2 finale, “Something Blue.”

Why it Made the List:

“Something Borrowed” marked the marriage of a legendary couple, one of the greatest TV has ever seen. I also liked that the episode redefined a “perfect wedding” to be a simple ceremony in front of best friends, minus all the commotion of the big event in front of the whole family.

“Something Borrowed” also established Ted’s leadership role, and how at the worst of times he has the ability to pick up the rest of the group and right the ship, which is seen in future episodes. All-in-all, this was just a feel-good episode that focused on Lily and Marshall and temporarily put aside the relationship drama of the other group members.

(SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FINALE)

Last night’s hour-long season finale of “How I Met Your Mother” featured a birth, an engagement, and the shocking-reveal of a future wedding between Barney and (gasp!) Robin. After seven seasons, HIMYM writers just can’t seem to move on from the Barney-Robin-Ted love triangle, and boy am I tired of it. The finale wasn’t a total bust though, with Lily finally giving birth to Marvin WaitForIt Eriksen and Ted driving off into the sunset with Victoria (wedding dress and all). In fact, I’d say that the episode as a whole was rather satisfying except for that last 10 seconds, which left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Everything seemed to be going so well as the episode began. Lily was finally having her baby after what felt like an eternity of pregnancy, and Marshall was able to bound into the delivery room just in the nick of time. After Marvin was born, Robin and Ted talk in the waiting room and have a long-awaited talk that patches up their fractured friendship. Not only do they set things straight, but Robin encourages Ted to chase after Victoria (yes Ted, please do!). After Ted’s out-of-the-blue phone call to Victoria, she agrees to meet him at MacLaren’s. When they meet up, Victoria is in a wedding dress and explains to Ted that she’s about to get married. Ted’s got a tough decision to make, but in the end he chooses Victoria.

Meanwhile, things with Barney and Quinn are getting better too. After the trip to Atlantic City, Barney returns home to find that Quinn hasn’t left him as he feared. They take a vacation together, and in the airport Barney (rather extravagantly) pops the question. Quinn says yes, and it seems that Barney’s playboy days may have finally come to a close. And this is where I wish the episode had ended, but…

Barney and Quinn go to Lily and Marshall’s apartment to tell them the good news. As Lily, Quinn and Marshall head into the baby’s room to change his diaper, Robin and Barney are left alone. Robin looks like she’s about to cry even though she claims she’s happy for Barney and Quinn. Oh no, not this again, pleeease don’t fall back on the Robin/Barney/Ted triangle again, please! But of course, in the closing moments of the finale, we flash ahead to the wedding and who is it marrying Barney? Robin, not Quinn.

After seven seasons of Robin bouncing back and forth between Ted and Barney, and a number of fake-outs and almost getting back together with them, I am so utterly tired of the love triangle between the three of them. I’ve lost count of how many times Ted has declared his love for Robin, then regretted it, then they almost get back together, then they have sex once but it’s a huge mistake, and so on and so forth. The same goes for Barney and Robin. I’m tired of Ted and Barney finding great girls that aren’t Robin, and then ultimately losing them because they still have feelings for Robin. Enough already! Can’t we all just move on? I’m tired of being led on by the HIMYM writers to believe that Barney or Ted finally found a great non-Robin match for themselves (or Robin a suitable non-Ted / non-Barney), only for the chick to get ditched five episodes later for – who else? – one Robin Scherbatsky.

Victoria is awesome, one of Ted’s best girlfriends throughout the series, so let’s hope to God that she sticks this time. I’m worried that once we get to that wedding scene of Barney marrying Robin, there’s still a chance that Robin will defect back to Ted and screw up a great relationship he was with Victoria or some other flavor-of-the-season. And I’m not looking forward to watching Quinn and Barney’s engagement crash and burn – I liked Quinn, she had a lot of spunk and didn’t take Barney’s crap. Still, I would have been okay with the “twist” ending of Barney’s bride not being Quinn if it had been Nora instead of Robin. Nora and Barney always had great chemistry, and the ending still would have been “shocking” without reverting back to the Robin problem.

Who knows what next season has in store for us, but here’s to hoping that Ted and Victoria actually work out and that the Barney / Quinn demise is quick and painless. I hope we get to that Robin / Barney wedding as soon as possible (maybe midway through the season) and that it goes over without any issues. Because sooner rather than later, HIMYM is going to be ending it’s run, and is it too much to ask that the characters enjoy a season without breakups and heart-break?

Emma (Jennifer Morrsion) hopes Henry (Jared Gilmore) recovers after her lack of faith leads to his hospitalization.

“It’s not the destination, it’s the journey,” or some variation of that cliche was drilled into me as a kid so that I would develop patience, and not be so results-oriented: “I want this, I want that,” and the like. And it’s useful, because when you embrace that value you’re less likely to be disappointed. Sure, if you invest mightily in a project you want to see it succeed, but if the process was rewarding in itself, then you won’t walk away like you’ve wasted your efforts.

As a viewer of “Once Upon A Time,” I cannot speak for all, but in my enjoyment of the breakneck speed conclusion, I wondered if the journey that led me to this satisfying destination was tainting it. Almost as if I had such a traumatic flight en route to a luxury resort on a tropical island that it soured me on the whole paradise thing. While I’m sure I could find a way to enjoy soaking up some rays and bathing in pristine waters, this finale wasn’t so mind-blowing that I’d forgotten how pissed I was on the way over. Last week, I talked about being that proverbial kid who always need to pee in the back seat, whining incessantly, “Are we there yet?” Now, I feel like the spoiled kid who got the Christmas present he wanted, but upon receiving it doesn’t want it as badly, Because I waited so long for it lost its allure. I saw the commercials every day after school and the desire for it became pathological. When Mom said I would get it for Christmas, I danced around for what seemed like forever and passed the time imagining what it would be like to call it my own. Then the day came and I wanted something else more.

That feeling of getting almost exactly what you wanted, but not being as thrilled with it as you’d imagined you would was my overwhelming emotion watching the conclusion to OUAT’s first season. The isolated fairybacks, whose relevance eluded us got connections that were more than tenuous at best, magic got context and concrete boundaries instead of fluid, willy-nilly usage and the emotional toll on the characters was palpable. Withholding these methods of engagement doesn’t seem fruitful to me, especially when you need to convince your viewers that 22 episodes are a worthy investment. I understand the storytelling advantages inherent in character by character flashbacks, but for me the real world arc was dragging its heels so that its development would sync up that of the Fairy Tale Land. But Storybrooke is the aftermath, the fallout from these FTL events. Being beholden to those fairybacks serves no narrative purpose.

The “Lost” formula was successful for a reason, but the application of it was sloppy. Yes, an episode of “Lost” would focus primarily on one character through flashbacks and they would become more fleshed out in the current timeline as a result, but the world didn’t stop so that we could get to know them. For example, in the Grumpy episode, what did we glean from having Grumpy crush on a nun and sell candles? Yeah, nothing. That contributed zero to the direction of the arc. And while the relevance of certain threads like The Mad Hatter’s and Belle’s were given heft in the finale, many other detours remained a distraction, the part of the magician’s trick where they subtly get you to draw your focus away so that you’ll miss the manipulation. Shoehorning a “see wasn’t that worth it, kids?” into one pretty thrilling day trip, does not make this television show a worthwhile “vacation.” To me, it’s a case of lazy parents who are putting off presents until the holiday so they don’t have to deal with it now. And they hope that by making it special, the excruciating wait will be forgotten. Sorry, I remember the bumpy ride to Disneyworld or the painfully drawn out months that preceded the most wonderful time of the year.

Let’s get down to logistics. there was a lot to be delighted about. And while promises are not always kept on this show, we end on a note that would suggest OUAT won’t just be meandering in The Infinite Forest in its follow-up season. In the FTL, we begin where we left off, with Snow White poisoned and Charming trapped. While being escorted to his execution, Charming busts out his apparent military training as he totally owns the Evil Queen’s guards. However, as he turns down the hall a guard points his bow and arrow at him, and another guard boxes him in. Awaiting an arrow in the chest, the guard fires and hits his own man instead. Why did the guard help him? Well, because that guard is the Huntsman a.k.a Sheriff Graham. I got nervous they were bringing him back from the dead as some ploy, but then I remembered that in FTL you have the luxury of living after your heart is ripped out of you and crushed in someone’s hands.

Emma rushes Henry to the hospital and Dr. Whale asks her how this happened. She now does believe in Henry so she screams that he ate a poisoned apple turnover! Emma’s insistence was kind of hilarious, because for once she gets to feel how ridiculous it is to explain this to a non-believer. As the kid goes comatose, she touches his book and she’s flooded with memories of the FTL. It feels cheap. I understand that belief is powerful, and the point is that her son being in immortal danger is and should be a galvanizing force, but seeing “magic” as a catalyst again brings out the groans in me. Regina flurries in and Emma goes ape. She shoves Regina in a supply closet and throws her around. Well, it’s about damn time! I know it makes sense that Emma would only get some fight in her now that she believes, but Regina could have used some roughing up a while ago. Regina admits that it’s all true and that it was poisoned to make Emma fall asleep. The brief moment where we see Regina’s desperation to keep her son is touching, but most emotional moments are breezed through and not given time to ferment because, as I said, the answers are shoehorned in and it’s a mad dash to revelations. Regina says they must consult the only other person in Storybrooke who knows magic. Emma guesses Gold, but then Regina delivers the laugher line: “Actually, he goes by Rumpelstiltskin.”

Lost in the forest, Charming bumps into Rumpy who enchants his mother’s ring to help find Snow. On one condition. He must insert a potion, carefully encased in a golden egg, into “the belly of the beast…for a rainy day” (hehe). The potion, of course, is that true love potion I was excited about. Eeerily enough, the potion was made from strands of Charming and Snow’s hair. We also get a gem of a line about what Rumpelstiltskin knows of true love (obviously referring to Belle): “It was a brief flicker of light amidst a notion of darkness. Badass.

Continuing with the overt parallelism, in the following real world scene, Gold tells Emma about the nature of the curse, and the reason why she is the anointed savior, the safety valve. He put one drop of true love’s potion onto the parchment of the curse, meaning that she, the product of true love, is the one glimmer of hope in all that misery. See, that’s cool. I like that. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a sucker for true love, but it also follows through on what I have been asking for, some guidelines for how magic can be used, instead of being deployed when it’s convenient. We get the punchline too for the “rainy day” joke when Emma replies, “Well it’s stormy as a bitch, where is it?” Gold smiles with that Rumpy, mischievous grin and gives Emma her father’s sword.

We get another Spark Notes version of emotion when both Regina and Emma say their potential goodbyes to Henry. There’s some good acting, they just aren’t afforded time to linger with the severity of the situation. Like when Regina’s goodbye is abruptly cut off by Jefferson creeping in the shadows, waiting for his deal to be honored where he doesn’t remember his old life. But their deal is null and void since Emma is still awake. Jefferson doesn’t take this loophole well and seems to have the face of a schemer.

Emma stalls a bit to visit August with an obligatory, “You were right!” He can’t open the door though because at this point, he’s mostly wood (giggity) and as his face, the last remnant of humanity turns, he tells Emma that he has the faith she can save them all. Emma then meets Regina at the post office where she has a secret lair (surprise, surprise) with an elevator that will take her to Maleficent. We all know it’s gonna be a dragon, but they’re coy about it like it will be some big reveal. But anyone with a working knowledge of fairy tales knew that was coming, right? Anyway, Emma assures her majesty that the only reason she’s not dead is she needs her help. But if Henry dies, she does too. See, Emma with some bite is awesome, more please!

Our double duty dragon battles ensue, with father and daughter trying to accomplish opposite goals. While the CGI dragon was impressive, it was depressing to see how horrible the green screen scenery was. All the effort put in to those sword fights and gorgeous fire-breathers, and it’s downplayed by a really artificial looking castle. At any rate, having both battles at the same time felt like overkill, like I was in an anteroom waiting for the real action to start, but it looked damn good. And we get a couple standout moments from Emma’s bout: she pulls out her gun because she is clumsy with a sword; and she chucks the sword at the dragon as the prince did in the Disney film.

Charming finds Snow with his GPS ring and then asks for her hand. It was a nice touch for Goodwin to say, “What do you think?” playing off the knowledge that we obviously knew where this was headed. Egg in hand, Emma gets stalled in the elevator and screams up to Regina only for Gold to answer. He says to throw up the egg before she climbs up. Boneheaded move. Once up there, she sees that Gold gagged Regina, and that upon catching the egg, Gold ran off. It’s then when Regina and Emma both receive messages. Henry’s dead. Now, fair warning. This is horrible. But did anyone else HOPE he stayed dead. I’m not a proponent of child murder per say, BUT man would that add some urgency or what, huh? I’m sorry. I’m a terrible person and should be ashamed. I will let the record show though, that losing Jared Gilmore as a child actor would not be the worst thing. There’s a reason he didn’t stick around on “Mad Men.”

While Henry was going into cardiac arrest, Jefferson uses the chaos to slip downstairs to the mental institution wing. As revenge against Regina, he frees Belle and tells her to go seek out Mr. Gold and tell him that Regina locked her up. Why he couldn’t escort her, I don’t know. Late for tea, maybe? Yeah, I suck. So, when Gold opens the egg at his shop and Belle strolls in, he’s astonished. If there was one sentiment that sang in this episode it was that reunion. Emile de Ravin and Robert Carlyle killed it. Even if we got only one episode of them together, I thought their reuniting was more triumphant than even Snow and Charming’s, and we follow them along their treacherous journey all season.

As Emma stares shocked at Henry’s lifeless body, we can hear her exasperated breaths. She’s torn up, knowing that her lack of faith, not necessarily in fairy tales but in her son, was to blame is a heavy burden. But she pours her love into an “I love you,” and a kiss on his forehead and true love’s kiss radiates throughout Storybrooke, jolting Henry awake and reigniting the memories in all the former fairy tale characters’ heads. Again, seeing Belle remember how she loved Rumpy beats out even David turning around from leaving Storybrooke to hold Mary/Snow in his arms again. On the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone also remembers how they hate Regina, and while she would love to stay and be grateful Henry’s alive, she ducks out ready for a mob and cries into Henry’s pillow instead. That sounds a bit stalkerish though when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? Hm.

Despite having love reintroduced into his life, Rumpy hasn’t abandoned his lust for power. He leads Belle to the magical well we were introduced to in “What Happened to Frederick.” This was the well with water that can bring back what you’ve lost. Now we also have the nugget in our minds that Rumpelstiltskin told the prince he’s invested in true love, especially the powerful concoction Charming and Snow have, because of what its magic creates. With that veiled threat in my mind we see Rumpy pour the contents of true love’s vial into the well and a billowy, purple smoke blasts through town. I was intrigued that Henry knew it was bad right away. I mean, as we know from “Lost,” smoke of any color is bad, but considering that the return of magic was what the kid wanted, it’s curious how the idea of magic in the real world is so frightening. As Rumpy manically informs his new/old beauty, “Magic is power,” but couldn’t that power be acquired by the good guys? I suppose it’s interesting too because the other Sunday show I review, “Game of Thrones,” is also dealing with the perils of magic in its second season, so maybe this is an admirable direction for reinvigorating this series.

Regardless, the realization of their past while remaining in the real world is almost exactly what I was calling for. I didn’t want this to be adventure time in FTL, and I’m glad Kitsis/Horowitz got the memo. Now that the characters know, there’s more opportunity to seize their own destiny instead of being servile prisoners of the EQ. And the devilish grin upon her face when the smoke tumbled through suggested to me that Henry’s dalliance with death hasn’t softened her. I’ve already addressed my quibbles ad nauseum, but now props must go out to the writers for lurching ahead with this runaway train instead of trying desperately to slow it down. It’s reassuring to know—although still infuriating to a degree that it wasn’t apparent earlier— that there was a finite plan and trajectory.

The callbacks were pleasant, and at points even fun and sweet. Because we wandered aimlessly so much, I didn’t realize how much I cared about Belle, but on a practical level to have less space and time wasted was refreshing. Still, there needs to be a concerted effort to pace the season just like this episode. Obviously, don’t show your hand, but making us aware of what’s important wouldn’t hurt. It’s not a spoiler to say, for example, that Emma is the drop of true love Rumpy put into the curse as a safety valve. That’s more informative than just “she’s the savior.” In a fantasy world, we need structure and rules just as necessarily as we do in the real world. Because like our fairy tale counterparts in Storybrooke, we’re only human, so let’s respect that and not pretend we’re don’t need things like love to stay alive.

"A Man Without Honor," Jamie Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) uses his charm to savagely escape Robb Stark.

One of the major strengths of “Game of Thrones” in its first season that has carried over to this season has been its unpredictability. (SPOILERS FROM PRIOR EPISODES) The arguable main character was decapitated last season, a man was killed via a molten gold crown, and this season a woman birthed a shadow baby that assassinated its uncle. Needless to say, there are no rules in Westeros, save Arya’s decree: any man can be killed.

And while those moments of shock and awe are compelling as hell, even the outbreak of a world war has its downtime. Before the crucial battles commence, there’s a lot of nitty-gritty details that need to be ironed out. And while that reeks of tediousness for even the most impassioned viewer, tonight was a night where cruelty was at nearly everyone’s doorstep. If there is a God in the GoT universe, his will has descended upon them. The sins of these power seekers will be repaid. Whether these sins are stripping land from its rightful owners, having incestuous relations, or perhaps just messing with the wrong warlock, enemies are lurking in the shadows ready to right those wrongs by correcting the imbalance they created.

The story lover and the storyteller in me says that the reason why this episode felt so rich and gripping was because it told the far more intriguing tale. Everyone remembers the destruction that men inflict upon each other and themselves, but the fascinating events that precede them are so alive with probability. Why do bad things happen? Is it a matter of blame, of accident, of greed, of naivete? The ominous future is always ahead of them, and those who fear it are plenty. But those who seem prepared for its reckoning, who have committed themselves to understanding chaos (a paradox, but bear with me) may be the most fit to survive. Dark days breed dark nights, as well as dark knights. Batman, anyone? The question becomes, can anyone keep their soul intact while they do what’s necessary? Even the villains seem pitifully inept at keeping their heads about them, feeling insecure in their sacrifices and atrocities. And the morally incorruptible are realizing that if if extenuating circumstances do exist, these might be them.

Winterfell

Bookending this epic installment of ruined plans, we begin in the North where Theon, the world’s sloppiest conqueror, beats the living sh*t out of the guard responsible for allowing Bran and Rickon to escape. We check in on the lads and Osha and huggable Hodor to see they’re spritely, just a bit starving. Maester Luwin is horrified because Theon’s deperation to be taken seriously may lead to Joffrey-esque behavior. He employs a scorched-earth policy to apprehending the boys and he looks a bit batty when he smiles eerily at the Maester and says, “Don’t look so grim…It’s all just a game.” Beside being perhaps a little obvious for a show called “Game of Thrones,” it’s sufficiently creepy to see a boy who wanted to belong transform into an off-his-rocker and incompetent tyrant.

In the end, Theon returns to unveil two charred corpses. Though our instinct is to worry that Bran and Rickon are those unrecognizable bodies, TV tropes tell us that unidentifiable dead are rarely who we think they are. All indications are that the crispy boys are the sons of the farmer that the hounds followed the scent to, the one Theon kicks like the coward he is. While it is entirely possible that Bran and Rickon were offed, and while I gasped like I’d lost a friend, my better judgement tells me there’s nothing to fear. Well, except that Theon has moved over to the dark side. Whoops.

Beyond the Wall

In the barren cold, Ygritte remains the sassy and alluring wildling I loved last week. Her ribbing of Jon Snow is so riveting and I like him a lot. She comments when they wake that his knife is poking her backside and when he leaps up in embarrassment she guesses correctly that he’s never been with a woman before. She teases some more with a variation of “If you don’t use it, you lose it,” but then the conversation gets real. Ygritte stops with the insects and asks seriously why he would choose to never get naked with a woman so that he could invade someone’s land. Snow goes on the defensive saying that the Starks were among the first men and share blood with wildlings. Then Ygrite wonders aloud why he would want to fight them. While Jon Snow is honor personified, and his sacrifice is admirable, he does carry an air of self-righteousness that I could see would frustrate a “savage.”

This perspective echoed for me the true story of how the Europeans occupied Native-American lands on the principle that they were more advanced and it was God’s will. This mirrors when Ygritte rants about how wildlings may not have stone castles or be so skilled at making steel, but that does not make those like Jon on the other side of The Wall better. Truthfully, the wildlings are more free. If someone told Ygritte she couldn’t lie with a man she’d shove a spear up his ass. Brutish, sure, but that’s freedom. She advocates further for democracy over monarchy and says they don’t serve sh*t kings because of who their father was, they choose their rulers like Mance Rayder. Now we know as modern folks how the democratic process is flawed too, but this nugget of historical fiction and reflection upon our medieval beginnings as an unexpected, but welcome layer for the show to unfold.

Apart from philosophical treatise though, we get Ygritte acting out how she imagines it will go when Jon Snow hands her over to his boss and she relays her fake story of how he “ruined her” (there goes that word again!). It’s fantastic, that sick sense of sexual humor I love in a woman. Then she seduces him, describing her lady parts all tantalizingly, then she gives the rope a swift kick and runs off, leading him into an ambush of her people.

Harrenhal

One of my favorite “calm before the storm” scenes occurs here. Maisie Williams and Charles Dance face off again as their respective characters, Arya and Tywin Lannister, dancing around their suspicions and mistrust and relishing in the intellectual stimulation the other provides. After Tywin whines to The Mountain that he wants him to find who killed Amory Lorch because they were probably after him, he talks to Arya about his legacy. He offers Arya his mutton and she holds her knife maliciously for a bit, but then she sinks her teeth into their conversation. He expects that his current war, “The War of Five Kings” will be what defines him, the glory he passes on to his children. He then discusses the history of Harrenhal as the fortress for King Harren the Black. It was tall enough to withstand any ground assault easily, but the Targaryens changed the rules and their dragons flew over the castle giving the towers the smoky look of today and obliterating the men inside.

Arya reminds him that not only Aegon Targaryen rode dragons, his sisters did too. Way to go, feminist kid! Those sisters, Visenya and Rhaenys were fierce warriors. Arya particularly idolizes Visenya, her dragon Vhagar and her Valyrian sword Dark Sister. Tywin asks her why she isn’t interested in the maidens of the songs like most girls. And like a boss she answers, “Most girls are idiots.” BOOM. Then Tywin makes a telling remark that he knows her secret. No matter how she tries to convince that she is a stonemason’s daughter, she is too literate and learned. He knows she must be noble. He corrects her and says that noble women say “My Lord,” commoners say “Milord.” She must play the part better. Is he so enchanted with her, will he not care of what noble birth she is from? The stepping on eggshells while having enlightening discussions is a stellar combo, and a wonderful way to spend this “downtime.”

King’s Landing

The Hound gives a foreboding message to Sansa when she criticizes his gleeful attitude toward killing. After he assures her that even her father loved killing (“It’s the sweetest thing there is”), he insists she’ll appreciate the hateful things he does when he is all that stands between her and her beloved king. We know he’s prone to abusing women, this marriage could prove hurtful for her on many levels. That fear paralyzes her when she wakes from a a nightmare to discover she has bled. She can now bear Joffrey’s children. Shae helps her to conceal it and even puts a knife to the throat of another handmaiden who was peaking. But suddenly, The Hound is there hovering over the soiled sheets.

In the next scene, we start to feel bad for Cersei when she describes the sham of a marriage she had with Robert. He would flee to hunt when she was close to labor, then return with pelts. She gave him a baby. Her other womanly wisdom for Sansa is to love as little as possible since it makes you weak. “Love no one but your children.” Then Sansa becomes confused, this whole time she felt it was vital for her to love Joffrey. So when she asks shouldn’t I love the king, Cersei responds: “You can try, little dove.” Chilling stuff. She may, besides her son, be the most manipulative and sociopathic villain there is, there are reasons why she is so horrid.

My ability to “relate” to Cersei increases when she confides in Tyrion (the brother she loathes!) that she’s afraid she’ll have to pay the price for her sins, her incest with Jamie. At the start, Tyrion is calculated and says the advancing fleet of Stannis Baratheon must be dealt with, get Joffrey to start acting like a king, but she can’t. He quips, “it’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you put on a crown on it’s head. But he consoles her when she cites the Targaryens as a family who bred internally and how half of them went mad. She wonders if her uncontrollable child is the madness she deserves for her repulsive sexual acts. Tyrion assures her that the young ones, Myrcella and Tommen are good and although I’m sure Tyrion finds the relationships between his siblings gross, he doesn’t mention it here. Tyrion has on several occasions undermined his sister because he doesn’t trust her, but there’s no doubt how pitiful Cersei is here, and that it takes her down a peg on the villainy scale.

Qarth

The crazies come out. While Xaro can’t stop bragging about how rich he is now, he’s also distraught because he took a blood oath to protect Daenerys. Now that her dragons are gone his reputation is tainted: “A man is what he is to others and nothing more,” he says. Ser Jorah returns and although his crush on her is still a source of tension, his counsel is important to her. He understands her trust issues because she has no loyal followers yet (The Dothraki mostly left her), but he knows no one can survive this world without help.

Daenerys then pleads to the Thirteen for help to find her dragons and they are reluctant. The fat, annoying, yet eloquent speaker one says they don’t want to since dragons only bring destruction and misery. Then Daenrys is like, “But they’re my children!” Then one of the Thirteen, warlock Pyat Pree speaks up saying they are cruel to separate her from them. He declares that he has allied with lofty ambitions man, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, to make him King of Qarth and to open up their city to the West. He uses his strange brand of magic then to multiple behind all the remaining members and slit their throats. While not as bizarre (blood spilled is typical now on GoT), it was even more jarring because of how random it was. The warlock was not showcased nearly enough to give me a sinking feeling like I had with Melisandre. Once again men who realize that times have changed do what they are willing to do and cut out the antiquated council and get with the times. The warlock strongly urges Daenerys to find her dragons, that he admits to stealing, in the House of the Undying. That sounds like a fun stroll, right? Nope, sounds like the carnival ride from hell.

Robb Stark’s camp

While a smitten Robb promises to smuggle more medical supplies for the sexy Talisa, bringing her along for The Crag’s conditioned surrender, Jamie Lannister makes a break for it. When his distant cousin Alton relays the news that Cersei ripped up Robb’s demands they hold him in the cell with Jamie. Not Robb’s best choice, but he was pressed and he’s trying to get with a nurse. Needless to say, the man’s busy. Anyway, our time not listening to Jamie ramble on like The Joker about how honorable people are hypocrites seems like wasted time now.

When Alton is first dropped in, Jamie makes small talk asking who he is and Alton says he was once his squire. When he jogs his memory Jamie compliments the lad and reminisces when he was 16 and squired for Ser Barrister Selmy. He describes the honor as being like living a dream. It’s clear how much he values fighting and knighthood. Then he complains how he isn’t suited for subservience like Ned Stark and how he has been planning to escape and that Alton can help. He has no qualms about whispering in the adoring young man’s ear that he will have to die. He clobbers his distant cousin over the head till death and then strangles the guard who comes to tend to him.

Northern bannerman catch the escaped Kingslayer and call for his head, especially Lord Karstark, the strangled guard’s father. Catelyn tells him to stand down in the name of King of the North. The men get rowdy then, getting drunker and ranting about how Talisa has made Robb soft and that they don’t want to die defending a Lannister. Catelyn then confronts Jamie herself. Jamie shows no remorse and even assures that any knight would have done the same. Catelyn believes he is no knight because he has forsaken any vow he ever took. Jamie the retorts that vows can’t be followed dutifully. What if a king he should obey kills the innocent he should protect? The vigilante starts making a lot of sense! Jamie then goes overboard though, pushing the wrong button. He asserts that he’s more honorable than Ned Stark because he has only been with one woman (Cersei) when Ned had a bastard child (Jon) with a whore. He incurs the wrath of Mama Stark and Catelyn asks for Brienne’s sword.

You know when Jamie and Cersei start to seem reasonable that the world’s capacity for ethics has been depleted. Moral relativism is the name of the game. Do what must be done until principle, honor and righteousness are a luxury you can afford. Until then, plan for a sword to stab you in the back by stabbing them first. Even the expert schemers like Tyrion seem woeful for the turn the world has taken. Whether you call it evil, magic, karma, or God’s will, it an undeniable force that is suffocating the order of Westeros with its disorderly conduct. Nothing makes sense, so make your own rules. As anarchy reigns, I await with great anticipation as the dominoes fall. I hope we see our favorite fire priestess soon and that when Stannis’ fleet comes knocking there’s a throwdown for the ages in King’s Landing. For a setup as delightful as any battle due to psychological and philosophical wafare, “A Man Without Honor” earns my allegiance through cunning and contemplation. Westeros is as complicated and complex as ever, but a joy to navigate.

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

Featuring host-of-the-week and returning alum Will Ferrell and countless other celebrity cameos, The Lonely Island’s 100th (and, perhaps, final?) bite size music video “Digital Short” aired last Saturday.

In the typical laugh-out-loud, what-just-happened fashion that the group has seemingly perfected over the years, two of The Lonely Islands’ founding members – Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone – teamed up with honorary member Justin Bieber to announce their raunchy and offbeat plans to celebrate their centennial effort. Tuxedo-clad and beaming with pride, they announce to the Biebs that they’re going to…well, congratulate themselves, so to speak.

References to past Shorts appeared throughout, including Natalie Portman’s psychotic alter-ego, Justin Timberlake’s mustached”Dick in a Box” character, and Kenan Thompson’s Reba McEntire, among others.

To count the throwback references yourself, or to simply appreciate the song in all of its R-rated glory, watch below:

Raphael Sbarge, an accomplished actor of over four decades, sat down with Blast to talk "Once Upon A Time."

Raphael Sbarge, who plays Dr. Archie Hopper/Jiminy Cricket on ABC’s “Once Upon A Time,” recently took the time to answer of my questions. He delved into his character, reflected on the season, and spoke about the show’s improbable success in its first year.

BLAST: First, your career spans many recognizable titles in TV and film. You had a role on The Guardian as well as several parts on notable shows like Dexter, Heroes, 24, Prison Break, and the list goes on. No doubt you’ve had a prolific career and have been sought after for many parts. What in particular drew you to the role of Dr. Archie Hopper a.k.a Jiminy Cricket?

RS: Thank you for your kinds words.  Yes, I have been blessed with a career that had many wonderful opportunities.  Needless to say, there are hills and valleys in any actor’s journey, and one never knows what is coming next, and so you learn, as a matter of survival, to finesse the twists and turns that are inevitable. As far as Once Upon a Time is concerned, my feeling from the moment I read the script was that it was something special.  My concern (on the page) was that it was wildly ambitious, and could never be pulled off.  I mean, how on earth could they create two distinct worlds— and one a fantasy world, in a regular 8 day shooting schedule (the standard amount of time for a network show?)  Clearly they have exceeded expectations on all counts.  I shudder to think how this idea would have been done in lesser hands.

BLAST: Now, funny enough, I started reviewing Once Upon A Time for Blast a few episodes into the season and the first review I did was of your spotlight episode, “That Still Small Voice.” Tell me what it was like to delve into this fresh back-story for the Jiminy Cricket character and what may have surprised or intrigued about the somewhat dark direction the show took with his beginnings and transformation from man to cricket.

RS: When I first heard that it was “coming”( from our creators, Eddie Kitsis, and Adam Horowitz)  I got very excited.  When I finally got to read it, I was really moved by the story they had created— it made me weep, actually.  Jiminy’s story is not a happy one.  His “conscience” was born out of some terrible stuff, which, in my humble opinion, gives it some depth (and doesn’t make him a “know-it-all.”)   Once I got past the teary stage, then I got to the “Holy-Cow!” stage, meaning, this is a big bite, and one that will make a lasting impression.  There are moments, and this was one of them, when the “Hey, I’m portraying an icon and I hope I’m up to the challenge” gave me more than a few sleepless nights.   I was very happy with how it turned out, and been greeted with folks saying, “Wow!  I didn’t know that was Jiminy Cricket’s back story.”  Of course they made it up, but I consider this a huge compliment to their ingenuity.

BLAST: A follow-up to my last question about “That Still Small Voice,” your real-world arc in that episode surrounds Archie’s relationship with Henry. Will that doctor-patient relationship play a role as Emma seeks custody of her son?

RS: As I write this, I believe that you will have seen a scene with Emma and I that addresses that, yes [In last week's "An Apple Red As Blood].   There is clearly a struggle, a battle for Henry and for who knows best.  Adam and Eddie have set up a huge power play between two powerful women— both seemingly with Henry’s well being in mind, but with different methods, it seems.  Henry too, has emerging ideas about who he wants to spend time with.  Clearly we have not seen the end of this.  Archie, as the man in the middle, will have a lot to discuss.  Won’t it be interesting if the Mayor comes to the therapy room, too?

BLAST: A couple weeks ago in “The Return,” Dr. Hopper had his first pivotal scene since Jiminy Cricket’s “fairyback” (my term for the fairy tale flashbacks) where Archie has a mini-therapy session with Mr. Gold. This exchange fascinated me and a lot of fans because it gave Gold a vulnerability we hadn’t yet seen. How did you approach that scene and do you think Gold will return to Dr. Hopper for further therapy?

RS: I love that term, “fairyback!”  You may have coined something!  Ha!  Yes!  We got tremendous response to that scene— I LOVE Robert Carlyle, and was a huge fan of his even before I got to be on a show with him( and now that I get to watch him every week, my appreciation has only grown!)    We had a blast together, and I do hope we have many more opportunities to explore some of the themes that got initiated in that episode.

BLAST: ”The Stranger” was one of my favorite episodes of the season, and you as the voice of Jiminy Cricket played a significant role. Can you tell our readers a little more about how you feel your character played a vital part in Geppetto and Pinocchio’s story (on the show)?

RS: I loved this episode too (but I have so many favorites now, its hard to pick one out, personally).  Tony Amendola who plays Gepetto, quite by coincidence, is an old friend of mine.  We have known each other for 25 years, and done more plays together than I can count.  He is such a wonderful actor, and I was incredibly proud of him.  I loved too, the last moment in the episode when August/ Pinocchio says to his father, “I want to fix things.” Killed me.   I was there doing off camera Jiminy work for the scene at the enchanted tree, when Gepetto and Jiminy have a tiff— and was so pleased that we got to revisit the painful past between these two.  There is a lot to mine, in that relationship I think.  And, needless to say, the episode was just wonderful!

BLAST: Can you speculate at all about how Archie/Jiminy Cricket will factor in next season? If you can’t speculate, what would you like to see for Archie/Jiminy in successive seasons?

RS: Well, I am in the dark as much as you are, frankly ( the story lines to future episodes are a very closely guarded secret, especially for next year).  But that said, I will be interested to see if we get a chance to explore Archie’s love life and or his life in the town outside of his time in the office.  As well, I would love to see more time with Mr. Gold, or Emma, or the Mayor in the therapy room.  Based on the finale, I would say there is a lot of job security ahead for a therapist in Storybrooke.

BLAST: Do you approach your character as separate entities (Archie Hopper AND Jiminy Cricket) that you play differently (distinct voices, personalities, demeanors), or do consider them as one person at two places in time that happens embody a human and cricket form?

RS: This is a very interesting question.  They are, I believe, as you suggest, the same person, in two places at once.  One has a broader view of things, and one is locked in time.  And there is indeed a different voice that Jiminy has.  But, they are both bound by a conscience, born of some hard knocks, and a desire to help others find their way.

BLAST: Obviously, doing the voice of a CGI cricket is a lot different from playing a human therapist. What can you tell us about filming the Jiminy scenes and how involved you are in the process?

RS: It is a fascinating experience.  Completely different from any other I have ever had on a set.  I mean, to be an actor in the scene, playing it full out, but to always be off camera is very unusual.  The actors in the scene, ON camera have been very thankful that I am there to do it (and not a script supervisor, reading lines from way off set, as is the norm).  It has given me, as well, a chance to find him amidst the action, and not just on a dark sound stage by myself.  I have done a lot of voice over work in other mediums (in video games, and commercial work), and it is a particular skill.  But, this is unique in my four decades as an actor.

BLAST: As a Lost fan, I have great respect for Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis. I often talk in my reviews about the similarities the shows share. Kitsis and Horowitz use flashbacks in both to add depth to characters, and I talk about the theme of faith vs. reason—a continuous thread in Lost and something Emma is struggling with mightily on Once Upon A Time. What is it like to work with those two (Kitsis and Horowitz) and what elements of Lost do you think they’ve carried over to this show?)

RS: Wow. Big question.  You elucidate the theme quite beautifully. I would say simply, that it is a marvel to work with them. They have created a very, very complex world, with distinct rules, and clear structure (very hard to do).  I don’t know if I can speak to how Lost themes or elements have carried over, but I can say that I am constantly surprised how they are able to surprise me.  I mean, I watch television.  I work in television.  More often then not, I can anticipate where the story is headed, who the killer is, or where it might be headed.  With this show, I never know where they are going next, and this seems to be one of the things that fans are so excited about (amongst others, of course).  What they have done is create a world of characters that are both good and evil, but complex, and multidimensional.With the Evil Queen or Rumplestilskin, we see evil deeds, with devastating consequences, but we also get to see the cost, the pain, the horror of their interior life, that gives us compassion for them, even as we love to hate them.
This is no easy task— and to do it week after week, I am as I say, slack jawed at how they can balance so many stories at once. I feel at times like a squealing fan, and when people tell me ( as they often do), “I’m totally addicted to your show.”  I say, “I know!  Me, too!”

BLAST: To be honest, it seemed improbable this series would last. It’s such a high-concept show that asks a lot of its audience in terms of patience and trust that it will all become clear soon. Though it helps that the source material includes familiar and timeless tales like Snow White and Pinocchio. But against formidable odds, it has a huge following and is the most watched new drama. Are you surprised at all by the show’s success?

RS:  I am 100 percent surprised by the success.  Not as any disparagement to any of us.  But, just because the odds of any new show finding its audience is slim to none— let alone to be dubbed the “most watched new drama.”  Just as I was writing these answers to you,  I just got an email from Adam and Eddie saying it was official, we are picked up for next year (thrilling to hear!).   Based on the honor of Most Watched, we all felt pretty confident, but needless to say, after years of doing this job, it makes you very humble and grateful for those rare moments when something comes together and works.  This is one of those rare moments.

BLAST: here’s some incredible acting on this show (yourself included, obviously ha-ha). Who have you most enjoyed working with?

RS: I feel like I am on an All-Star team, and every time I come to the set, the level of  commitment and pride that we all share is very evident.  In fact, it is shared by every department— camera, props, costumes— even the guy who watches our cars in the parking lot told me how proud he was to be on this crew!   We all feel like we are on something very special.

BLAST: Overall, what have you considered most rewarding about working on Once Upon A Time and playing Archie/Jiminy?

RS: As actors, we are innately story tellers.  We are, of course, completely reliant on the world that is created by the writers, and the elements that they craft for us.  What is most rewarding?  The absolutely breathtaking stories that we get to tell, every week.  I am so incredibly grateful.

BLAST: For our readers, what should fans know before going into the finale? Will their minds be blown? Can fans look forward to more answers (like the many provided in “The Stranger”) or will more questions arise?

RS: I can’t tell you. But, even if I could, wouldn’t you rather find out yourself?  So much more fun to unwrap you own Christmas present, isn’t it?  :)  What I will say is this, prepare for a big finish!

BLAST: Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Sbarge. It’s been a pleasure and an honor to speak with you and I wish you (and Archie/Jiminy) all the best. I hope I get to speak with you in the future regarding Once Upon A Time and possibly any other roles you take on.

RS: And, thank you for these great questions!

Ben (Adam Scott) and Leslie (Amy Poehler) share a private moment before she gives her victory speech.

Well, that was a close call. I almost had to go on a murderous rampage because of how irrationally angry I was that Leslie lost. But unlike a certain real-life election, a recount changed the course of history.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, this show is supremely talented at capturing the immense scope of what makes life lovely, laughable, difficult and dreamlike. While there was no shortage of burst-at-the-seams lines from the eccentric cast, I found myself rewinding my DVR furiously to relive the overwhelmingly affectionate exchanges. I’d imagine an election night must be similar to any milestone or “Kodak” moment. On par with prom, graduation, your wedding, your first child’s birth, or any achievement of a lifelong dream, Leslie’s win was an occasion that went by too fast to witness, but not quick enough that it couldn’t be lived to the fullest. But life doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and decisions made during the ecstasy, anxiety and heart thumping could have major repercussions. While I was wrong that Leslie would lose (thankfully), I was guessed correctly that the results would drastically change everything that involved this parks department family.

All the laboring is out the way, now it’s just the waiting game. Our intro to the episode showcases Jennifer Barkley’s desperate attempts to give Bobby an edge with Sweetums-sponsored voting machines that pop out a candy bar when you vote Newport and play the sound of a baby crying when you vote Knope—even asking “Are you sure?” And while these are all absurd tack-ons (including that under Pawnee election law, in the event of a tie the man wins and the woman goes to jail), it was the jaunty beginning we needed with so much tension surrounding the results. We get some  delightful side plots to ease our minds as well.

Tom is sure he had a premonition the night before about Ann asking him to get back together at the post-election celebration. The details surrounding his dream (more on those later) don’t suggest that as a remote possibility, but it motivates him to throw a dope-as-hell gala. Although it can’t be a pimps and hoes pajama party because Ben’s an uptight nerd—his words not mine. April calls Andy in a panic because in trying to transfer department files to a thumbdrive she accidentally deleted them all. Andy’s solution is to use the XBox method: blow on it and slap it. For fixing game systems, that’s shockingly accurate. For a computer, it simply knocks it to the ground. For Chris, there’s the matter of his one-night stand with Jenn Barkley. He shares all the details of his sensational experience with Ann Perkins, but since he’s vulnerable and prone to attachment he tries to talk with her, but instead is sucked into her web of sloppy supply closet sex.

At the voting booths, Leslie assures Bobby that voting for yourself is not illegal while Ben gets a job offer from Jenn. Admiring his campaign managing acumen, she extends him the opportunity to assist her in a Congressional campaign. The position would require him to be in Washington D.C for six months, however. You can tell he’s elated. Not only is he avenging his disastrous turn as an 18 year-old mayor, but he’s moving up in the world like his love, Leslie. But when Leslie extracts the information from him she says they’ll talk it over, but you can tell she doesn’t want him to go. Her reasoning is sound: they haven’t had a sense of normalcy in months and she just wants to enjoy him and their time together.  She puts those worries on the back burner though as she soaks up her fantasy turned reality as she punches the hole next to her name, and it’s too darn cute. After being Leslie the campaigning robot, she has a private release of pure humanity where her determination and drive has culminated in a scene she’s likely played in her head multiple times, but now it’s happening. Obviously. Bobby ruins it, needing assistance in the booth—he has ink all over his hands, the pen broke off the chain, he doesn’t get it!

After the polls have closed the gang, minus preoccupied April and Andy, heads to the Jermaine Jackson Ballroom (so named because he visited Pawnee, once.) After one percent of precincts reporting, Brandi Maxxxx had a commanding lead. I’d like to think that moment was a shoutout to the wonderful work actress Mara Marini did for that role in “The Debate,” but it coud be that those precincts really enjoy their porn. Ann calms a frantic Leslie who’s immediately worried her dreams would be crushed by an adult film star. Ann planned an outing for them if such an occasion were to arise where Leslie lost her head: kickboxing.

Back at the office, Andy suggests that if April gets fired for losing the files they’ll just move to a new city, burn their fingertips with acid, swap faces if necessary and go from there. He starts brainstorming places where they can live and new jobs they’ll acquire. As always, “Parks” includes jokes in any written or visual material and this time there were many fictional places on the list including Winterfell (where my GoT fans at?!). April, as the more practical of the two, calls Donna who fixes their issue with a couple clicks. Jerry deletes files accidentally all the time so she had her own secret backup installed. Oh, Donna. How underappreciated you are.

Separated at that time, Leslie consults Ann while punching with her fists of fury, and Ben asks Ron, about how they should approach his job offer. Both, if given the chance, would clearly do what the other wanted. That’s why they get along so well. They’re selfless and sacrificing and downright kind folks. Leslie confesses it would kill her if he left, and Ann rightly advises her she has to tell him that. Ron after divulging more of his odd habits and examples of his resistance to change, convinces Ben that because Leslie and he would be willing to jump off a cliff into the great unknown together, they’ll be okay apart. That’s what a good relationship is. Ben swallows that sound advice, but he can’t hold his dark liquor and his horrifying face was our slapstick reward for the day. With 75% reporting, Leslie’s up by 182 votes and Jerry praying hard since he didn’t get to the polls in time to vote. And the self-loathing man he is (and because he’s tormented by misfortune) he’s certain he’ll be the difference if it comes down to the wire.

Ben expectedly agrees without hesitation to stay when Leslie expresses her insecurities over him leaving. He claims he was on the fence anyway, but he’s such a gentleman and cares so deeply, it’s no question that’s lip service. In a karmic twist, just as Leslie strips her support from Ben, the election is called by Perd Hapley and Bobby has won by 21 votes. Ben rushes to Leslie’s defense and as master of election law he demands a recount since 21 votes is well within the 1% necessary to justify it. Worried the results will change, Jenn offers the conciliation prize of Joe Biden’s home phone number, and Leslie almost takes it. It’s such a subtle callback to her unorthodox crush, and props to the writers for knowing that was the precise time to use it. The balance between crisis and hilarious distraction has always been striking on this show, but they flexed their muscles in a finale that called for extreme peaks and valleys.

When Leslie goes missing as the votes are tallied, Ron knows where to find her. The council chambers. She sits in the chair that would be hers and laments all the people she’ll disappoint if she loses. Always the giver, she’s sick over all the spare minutes her friends have spent on her that might go to waste. And Ron nails the mentality of not only why he and the department love her, but why we love her. “We didn’t volunteer because we wanted to wrap ourselves in personal glory. We did it because we care, about you…That’s what you do when you care about someone. You support them, win, lose, or draw.” I got all misty-eyed, I couldn’t help it. I adore their unlikely mentor/mentee relationship. Their aren’t many public figures who hold opposing political beliefs that would respect each other on such an intrinsic level. It’s rare in television too, to see a relationship amongst opposite sexes that is purely platonic with so much heart. Bravo.

Ron’s speech inspires Leslie to change her mind about Ben leaving for D.C. She takes one of her fifty Washington Monument figurines (always the patriot) and surprises him. That tiny replica is not only a testament to the rock solid foundation of their relationship, but it represents his dreams that she’ll support, like how he presented her with the “Knope 2012″ button (I’m told she used the same box Ben did). He put her ambitions before “them,” now she’ll return the favor. They kid around saying they’ll “do it” all over Washington if that’s how they’ll be together when Ann interrupts. In a somber tone she reveals that the margin is still 21 votes…but in her favor. Leslie tears up, and even I want to bawl like a baby for her as relief washes over the scene. The right person won. How often does that happen? I was wrong in assuming her loss would be the biggest surprise. Her win, although a happy ending, is still improbable. As “Catch Your Dream” blares in the background, Jenn runs off without giving Chris a proper goodbye (she doesn’t deserve him), Ron declines the assistant city manager position, staying true to who he is—a man who likes things just the way they are—and the fan favorite Jean Ralphio butts in to take the job, but Chris rejects him immediately. He takes it well though, “Smart move, go with your gut.”

As Leslie prepares to give her victory speech she requests that some day she read the concession speech Ben wrote for her. But he never wrote one. That’s belief. That’s love. And that was the third time I got super puddly. Leslie’s speech even tops the one in “The Debate,” when she wraps up Ben’s fine portion and goes rogue with a touching sentiment—”Let’s break out a map. Not the old one that shows where we’ve been, but a crisp, new one that shows where we might go. Let’s embark on a new journey together and see where it takes us.” Unfortunately, this feeling is reflective of the script’s writer, creator Michael Schur. As I’m writing this, “Parks and Recreation” has not yet been renewed, it’s status in series limbo. The episode was written as a potential series finale. It’s open ended, sure. Nostra-Tomus’ premonition comes true and a drunken Ann agrees they should move in together—promising no takebacks when she sobers up—and April encourages Andy to become a police officer since he had that as a dream job on his board when he thought they’d need to go on the lamb. Still, it does have an air of finality. Leslie is living a dream, Ben is off to D.C, Ron is happy where he is, and the others reach for the stars.

It’s absurd that a show with such heart, hysterical wit and iconic characters could cease to exist, but in reality what this finale proved was that whether another episode airs or not, “Parks and Recreation” is not any singular episode, scene, or gut-busting line. It’s the soul. It’s what these people mean to us, how a group of people who never existed in reality feels like family that we might lose forever. I won’t shed a tear though if “Parks” is cancelled. I did enough of that watching “Win, Lose, or Draw.” I’ll smile because the memories will live on on Netflix and elsewhere and in our collective consciousness as a triumph of spirit—proof that people with different viewpoints, personalities and predispositions can band together to make true change happen. And there’s a last bit of humor there. I’m not sure whether I’m talking about the incredible staff on the show, or the lovable crew who reside in the Pawnee inside us all.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- “Last night at approximately 2:30 a.m, I woke up from a dream that felt so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says, ‘Tommy, tomorrow night I’m taking you back.’ Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me 40 million dollars. It was all SO REAL.”

- Chris: “Recently, in a moment of weakness I had sex, with Bobby Newport’s campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley.” Ann: “Seriously?” Chris: “Yes, several times. And several more times. Then a couple more times. And then one more time.”

- “Our ferocious sexual decathlon did improve my mood.”

- “First of all, you did the right thing hiding under this table.”

- Leslie: “What were you talking with Jenn about?” Ben: “Oh nuthin’. No I just—nuthin’. She’s—nuthin’. Nuthin’ nuthin’. It’s nuthin’. Hey, what’s a good place to buy jeans.” Leslie: “You have plenty of jeans!”

- “Brandi Maxxxx, the porn star, is gonna beat me. What is this, Italy?”

- “You’re thoughtful, you’re brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.”

- “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

- “I’ve had the same haircut since 1978, and I’ve had the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.”

- Ben: “Why are you laughing?” Leslie: “Because my dream is dead (laughs manically). Oh f*ck.”

- “Who’s got two thumbs and was just cleared of insurance fraud? This guy!”

- “Guys, we’re going to J.J’s for victory waffles, then we’re staying up all night talking about our lives and our feelings. Non-negotiable! Let’s go! City council bitches!!!”

UPDATE: All is right with the world! As of 3 p.m. Friday, NBC has renewed “Parks and Recreation!” For more details, click here.

Mara Marini guest starred as Brandi Maxxxx on this season's episode, "The Debate," on NBC's "Parks and Recreation"

Mara Marini may be from Canada originally, but her face and ambition say Hollywood. Even in a phone interview she exudes an infectious sweetness that you’d imagine would have to carry over on the small or big screen.

And while she would tell you she’s blessed and appreciative of all that her time in Los Angeles has afforded her, it almost doesn’t seem fair that it’s taken this long for her star to shine.

“I literally told my parents since I was four years old, ‘I’m gonna move to L.A. as soon as I graduate…I knew I wanted to be here, I just didn’t know how I was going to get here,” Marini recalls.

Her ticket was acceptance to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts (AADA). After attending York University in Toronto, Marini auditioned for the prestigious school that has trained many noteworthy names, including Adam Scott, Marini’s co-star on the hit NBC sitcom “Parks and Recreation.”

Coincidentally,  Adam Scott spoke at her graduation- and fellow “Parks” guest star Paul Rudd spoke at Adam Scott’s graduation, creating what Marini calls a “trifecta” of AADA alums on “Parks and Recreation.”

Regarding the idea of “making it,” Marini “never really had any grandiose ideas about being a star,” she says. “I just knew I wanted to act and I never wanted to do anything else.”

She had gained theatre experience in Canada and continued on that track in L.A. She also “did a lot of indie films, anything I could get my hands on.”

Only recently did she hire an agent that she really likes. Before that, she was self-made – a scrappy, door-to-door saleswoman of sorts, pitching herself at meetings. Amazingly, her problem was that she was just another blonde beauty with personality. “We have someone just like you” was an oft-heard soft blow sort of rejection she’d receive. Then there would be the vulgar male agents looking to capitalize on her sexuality: “We need you to come back in a bikini.”

After graudation, she faced many of the anxieties most young professionals face. “It was a lot of hustle…I knew I’d have to find my niche, so I tried a bunch of different things. I did stand-up [comedy] for a while,” she recalls. Though that foray only lasted about a year, like anything it was a learning experience.

“The problem for me was, to get into comedy,  you really have to make that a career. You start off as either a ‘bringer’ or a ‘ringer’. So unless you’re a ‘bringer’ , which is like the star, you have to bring a certain amount of people per show or they’ll take speech time. So the first few times were great, but I didn’t want to be asking my friends to  come every week, so it was a catch-22.”

Marini learned that it takes full devotion to make it as a comedian. Her friend, comedian Colin Kane, has taught her by example. ” … 24/7 he’s on it, promoting himself, him and his manager just going at it,” she says.  ”It really has to be your love and your career. And acting is where my passion lies.”

Of course, nothing in her acting career has come close to “Parks and Recreation,” which she describes as “the best time of my life.” The gig to end all gigs came about when Dorian Frankel, the casting director on the show, was holding a workshop. “Most of the time it isn’t super fruitful, I feel. But this time, I saw a breakdown for this Brandi Maxxxx character and submitted myself,” she recalls. “I felt like, ‘I have this, I have this. This is totally me.’”

Despite being disappointed with her audition, Marini landed the part. “That’s why you never know,” she says simply.

She’s had instances where casting directors have said “‘you will definitely hear back from us,’  then nothing. Or you will walk out feeling really bad about yourself, and you end up booking it. You just never know.”

The struggles to please industry professionals don’t stop there, however. The casting director for a now cancelled ABC  show, The Whole Truth,” had brought Marini to try out several parts, and was not blind to her talents – but there was one aspect of her that he took issue with.

“He called my agent— a totally unsolicited call, which is nice—and said ‘Pilot season is coming up and we love Mara, we think she’s really talented, but you know—her hair is just so blonde. Maybe you should tone it down. Maybe she’s a bit too sexy,” Marini recalls with a laugh.Still, she admits that she did concede, dying her hair dark brown.

As fate would have it, though, she got the call from “Parks and Recreation” in January to appear for a second time as Brandi Maxxxx. Her first appearance was on April 28, 2011 in last season’s “Jerry’s Painting,” (seen at right) in which Brandi Maxxx publicly defends a painting that Jerry (Jim O’Heir) made depicting a topless Greek goddess that bears a striking resemblance to Leslie (Amy Poehler). The dark-haired look didn’t work for the buxom adult film star’s image, and Marini went back to blonde.

“Being yourself” is a challenge Hollywood, and something that Marini has struggled with since leaving the halls of the AADA. “You’ll be typecast as the tough guy or the nerdy guy, but that could be your ‘in’,” she says. “I could go out for more things and tone it down, but that wouldn’t be me.”

It isn’t only her brand of femininity that presents obstacles. Being a woman in the hypersexualized atmosphere of acting still has its pitfalls. “I feel that … there’s still a little bit of an old boys’ club,” she says. Even when she came across female agents, she felt the same discrimination. “I chopped [my hair] to just above my chin, [and dyed it] brown, and she didn’t even get me one audition. And that’s when I was like, ‘No, I’m not listening to anyone else but me’,” she recalls. “She would tell me you’re to pretty to go in for young moms and stuff, but you’re not pretty enough to play a supermodel.”

The roommates and Cece spend a night together in the desert in the "New Girl" season finale.

“New Girl” didn’t start out as a risky move. It was the opposite: a cashing-in on a budding, beautiful movie star’s brand of comedy. The title, the twee theme song, and the “adorkable” label were all signs of a methodical, machine-like approach to putting butts in the seats and churning out the chuckles. Then something happened. Jess became increasingly self-aware, Nick was less of a sad sack and more a sarcastic, self-loathing yet clever cynic, Winston escaped the shackles of “replacement” and gave the loft a necessary injection of responsibility and Schmidt became iconic: a sensational blend of douchey and neurotic, charming and sleazy, “that guy” and an enigma of manhood we hadn’t seen since Ron Swanson came into his own.

All the elements that had us poised to resent this show are still there, but since the pilot the evolution has been profound. Instead of a peculiar set of men with their world thrown off-kilter by an exceptionally quirky girl, they’re a exceptionally quirky bunch of roommates whose world has been thrown into a new orbit now that they have each other. It’s still a sweet tart at times, unbearably lovely, but it has had its darkness buried beneath. All four of them are hopelessly childish in the face of adulthood and their ineptitude at coping with the harshness of life is astonishing, but it’s not like we’re any better at it. They’re just a hell of a lot more lavish in their freakouts.

In the first season’s finale, we see how far the show has come in establishing the essence of New Girl. It’s Jess-ence doesn’t define it, it merely comprises a quarter of its self. What this rookie series became was an ensemble show that might blow “Friends” out of the water one day. It’s already brandishing a more sophisticated humor, as well as a patience and deliberateness for going to the “let’s have these two hookup” well. Also, lives have suffered under the burden of choice, a self-sabotage that gives it a distinctly present viewpoint.

Yes, I’m sure you fellow viewers never bought Nick was going to bolt for a new place with Caroline. It would mess too much with the success. This show would need a season or two more of praise and clout before they could tinker with the formula like that. But as “New Girl’s” prone to do, it took us on a treacherous journey before these people could know what they knew, but refused to acknowledge.

Nick sits the rest of the gang down with cookies and confidence and states, point blank, he’s moving out. Schmidt and Winston makes jokes about how they’ll spend the money which they aren’t funneling into his recoveries, whereas Jess is more distraught. I was extremely relieved this didn’t end with a kiss. I’m so grateful that the grounds for her concern were genuine, and only selfish to the degree that she needs him to be the friend he’s been through her rough patches. Again, somewhere down the line they could get it on, but not now. The timing is not on their side and gimmick is something this show needs to fully reject or it loses its appeal and becomes corporate instead of a rambunctious bunch of twenty-somethings resisting the finality of growing up.

Schmidt and Winston continue to deny their grief by interviewing a new candidate named Neil (frequently seen Thomas London) who would add a remarkable awkwardness to their dynamic, but not a welcome one. Jess tries to scare him with threats of feminist rants, but Schmidt and Winston talk her off the ledge and say they need to act like it doesn’t hurt them as much as it does to lose Nick.

Since Nick’s departure is just a smokescreen, the topsy-turvy change comes from Schmece. After a visit to a photo shoot where she rides a missile with the hunky Gino, Schmidt’s insecurities that he’d been suppressing rise again. He’s convinced he’d be holding her back asking her to stay with him, even though last week saw a huge breakthrough for their emotional intimacy.

Nick says his hurried goodbyes, and Winston and Schmidt come along for the move-in. On the way Nick’s assuredness leaves him and he turns abruptly onto the highway where he mocks his own predictability. “Nick’s having a freakout, what else is new.” After a 140-mile detour, they’re in the desert, and Nick is panicked that his loneliness has made him too hasty. Now he’s so terrified of the situation he’s locked himself into, he hurls his keys to the truck into the ravine. I thought it was a nice touch that Caroline was so understanding. Though she seemed to treat him awfully before, maybe she has changed. But the issue is Nick hasn’t, and he isn’t ready to leave his protective nest where he relishes in his fellow lost souls.

When Jess arrives to save them, she tosses her own keys dooming them to a night in the desert. Winston has a nervous breakdown, terrified by the prospect that he might be eaten because of their foolishness. The gang makes the best of it though and they tailgate the moving van and listen to Nick’s deliciously embarrassing collection of tapes from adolescence. Schmidt reads a suggestive text message from Gino that sends him into a insecurity tailspin. He confides in Jess that he wants to “White Fang” Cece. At first grossed out, thinking that was some kind of violent sex act no doubt, Schmidt clarifies he means “White Fang” the novel. He admires the main character’s sacrifice where he releases the wolf because it is wild, and to be free is what’s best for it. So when the wolf won’t go he tragically throws stones at it till it leaves. It’s a shockingly mature outlook for Schmidt, but I could tell it was rooted in his own feelings of worthlessness and not righteousness or selflessness.

There’s a silly little event that takes away from the emotional stakes by adding symbolic drama to their night in the desert. A coyote that Winston had feared would come—oh yeah, Winston is afraid of the dark and it’s somehow hilarious; and the petrified, girlish scream startled thing is a good look for him—stops Nick and Jess in their tracks. Besides Jess’ “Meep, meep” Road Runner impression that freed them, the best reveal of that segment was how Nick immediately put his hand over her mouth and pulled her in tight. It was the most genuine affection and chemistry I’d seen from them and showed an admirable amount of restraint that they didn’t go for the “big moment” kiss.

When Schmidt confronts Cece, we get the ups and downs of the character. He has his glorious moment where Cece catches him in the act of White Fanging her—its the only book on his Kindle—and he still puts on the show of trying to make her scram like a loving animal. “Go on, git” and all. Then things get heavy when he tells her why he’s pushing her away. His peeping of her phone is absolutely not okay, and Cece should be mad. But when Schmidt drops the bomb, “You slept with me, that doesn’t say much about your taste in men,” it’s a heart wrenching nose dive. I both like and am frustrated that there wasn’t more resolution. It would seem like they’re done, but she just walks away. Maybe they could play with time a bit and the premiere is months later. Because it’s also unclear if Nick and Caroline are kaput too.

Speaking of, once Jess and Nick have the critical talk about what she really wants for Nick, she’s able to endorse his move-in if it is what will truly make him happy. Nick says the poignant line, “But I think you’ll need me too much,” which sounded like, “But I need you.” Jess then comes off surprisingly clear-headed with, “I’ll be okay because I met you.” Again, control and restraint to not go for the jugular, but still cutting deep was expertly done by these writers. In the morning, we learn Jess never threw the keys and just wanted her heart-to-heart with Nick to be sure he was being thoughtful about his decision. They drop him off at the new place and Schmidt Fredo-kisses him! Such a great callback to “Injured,” a superb episode where that concept was first established—That reminds me of another callback; when Nick first left and the creepy landlord Remy appears to lament with Jess, saying he’ll miss the way Nick smelled.

Then in the final scene we see how well these characters have been defined, in their separate rooms, but we also see how it’s strange to not see them thriving together. Winston is trying to overcome his fear of the dark, Schmidt is reading his Success Weekly, and Jess is in her jammies shutting the shades when she sees the moving van parked in the street. Then Nick appears in his old room and blares his tape of “Shook Me All Night Long,” a signal that he is back. The dancing from each is wonderfully poetic as well. Jess does her adorkable thing and whips her hair while jumping on the bed, Schmidt does elegant bed acrobatics, and Winston claps for a time, then bangs on the wall annoyed. It bodes well that the show ends on this note of solidarity that also showcases their separate eccentricities.

It’s a hell of an angle for this show going into next season. Now that we have this golden gang, let’s help they grow apart now that they’ve grown together. For instance, while Winston has had his spectacular instances, he’s been stunted a bit because the rest of his roommates are so much more flamboyant with their problems. Winston still hasn’t carved a notable niche since returning from Latvia. Who will he become? Jess’ romantic life has been a bust, will she find some solace by herself or will her destructive habits continue? Schmidt and Nick grew the most, but they both sabotaged their potentially true loves out of fear. Can those couples recover or are they back to the drawing board? The answers are unimportant, I’m just glad we’ll get to see these kooky kids do it together.

“New Girl” surprised us all by becoming a hangout comedy as opposed to a cutesy fest that would give us cause to strangle ourselves. It not only developed lovable characters, but it discovered a voice richly filled with pop culture references, a cynical yet refreshing tone and an edgy wit that not many expected. From a rousing game of “True American” to the douchebag jar, it’s been a run that could have easily collapsed, but got second wind in 2012, now there’s no end in sight. Do you “Girl,” do you.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Schmidt’s homage to Tyga’s “Rack City: “When Nick leaves, i’m just gonna hire a plumber and throw cash at him while he works. Fiddies, and hunnids, hunnids, hunnids.”

- “What is this a carob chip? Are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate, ya idiot?”

- Ah, the penis injury. Not much time spent on it, but Schmidt remarks on his bandages being removed: “The Washington Monument is ready to serve his nation. This horse is ready to become a unicorn.”

- Prospective roommate, Neil: “I had the unique experience of having to let myself go. I did not take it well.”

- Schmidt’s bandage removal doesn’t go well, so his junk gets a hard cast. Ironically, now he can’t get hard——Schmidt: “Say something hot to me.” Cece: “Fresh, pressed linens.” Schmidt: Nope, not an inch. It’s like a swaddled baby.”

- “What the hell war is this? Am I supposed to want to buy a missile? Just pounding the drum of war. Did nobody listen to Eisenhower?”

- “How’s the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?”

- “I’m worried about Schmidt. He’s a Jew in the desert I don’t want him to wander.”

- Winston: “The werewolves come out at night, man. I don’t want booby to eat me. I hate thick thighs, and I got a fat ass.”

- “This isn’t another one of those ‘Merlot is the whore of vineyard’ talks is it?”

The Evil Queen (Lana Parilla) teases Charming (Josh Dallas) by showing him her secret weapon: a poisoned apple.

Emma doesn’t seem so stubborn to me now. I’m having just as much trouble believing this whole curse thing and I’ve known from the beginning it’s “real.”

At this point, I thought all the rules had been established. There’s no magic in this world, Emma’s the only one who can break the curse and no one but Emma can leave Storybrooke. Well, it turns out we weren’t given all the facts. Apparently, Emma, the one person who could break this spell, the one person who has a chance of “bringing back the happy endings” as Henry so nauseatingly put it, cannot be killed by Regina. Why? Well, because that would break the curse. Wait, run that by me again? The Queen was so distraught about Snow White’s “happy ending” that she enacted a curse that would have a GIGANTIC loophole? Or, the curse is virtually indestructible as long as people don’t act predictably. Let me explain.

Here’s how this looks, from afar. The queen can hardly do anything to stop Emma, or she can do anything except kill Emma. My whole Faith vs. Reason argument has some teeth now. The only thing stopping Emma from saving everyone, and inversely the glue that keep Regina’s curse airtight is faith. As Regina’s dream forewarned (shot in the cheesiest, most cliche manner imaginable, and so goddamn obvious), the danger isn’t that Emma has the magic to reverse the curse, it’s the idea that she could rile everyone up to turn on her. As Mr. Gold surmises, “They will be looking for blood.” If Emma suddenly believes Regina is the Evil Queen and that Henry’s beloved book is true, then she is that magnetic figure who could conjure up a good ol’ fashioned mob. But of course Regina can’t eliminate this rabble-rouser that could make the whole town call for her death. Why? Because Rumpelstiltskin said so. Um, okay. Then why would she agree to that?

On the flip side, even if Emma turns a corner and starts to trust her son and believe that fairy tales are possible, all our vile EQ has to do is not kill Emma and evade death herself. And here’s where my whole “religious allegory” theory gets interesting. The only way Emma can ensure her friends live to see their happy endings is to sacrifice herself. If she can provoke Regina to kill her, that is. She would be the savior in the most Biblical sense, because she absolved the sins of these non-believers so that they could be happy again. Or, it becomes the most boring game of chicken EVER. “You’re not gonna kill me! I bet you won’t!” But then there’s the matter of, will Emma killing Regina effectively end the curse, anyway? And one question for Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin. If you want the curse to be broken now, because your son isn’t in Storybrooke like you’d hoped, or whatever your motivation is this week, why don’t you just…reverse it? I mean for god’s sake, it’s your freaking curse! Wouldn’t you know how it works?

Our problem here is MAGIC. Magic as a solution to a problem is lazy and a great way to obliterate the tension in drama. Most great conflict is derived from choice. The easy way or the hard way. Good or evil. Life and death. But when the safety valve of magic is present, there’s always a way out. And I suspect that next week, with the astronomical success this show has had, Emma won’t be saving the day and reversing the curse. Then what would the show be? Fairy Tale Adventure Hour. No thanks. What I’m guessing happens is that some version of the reset button is pressed. Like the Joker and Batman (but not nearly as compelling or twisted) they will “do this dance forever.”

And does anyone else find it odd that Emma’s supposed to save everyone, but none of us know what that means? Yes, it would mean ending the curse, but is it simply a matter of “waking everyone up” like Desmond did on “LOST?” Once Emma gets wise, what does she do with that knowledge? That’s why my sacrificial lamb theory seems to be the only plausible solution. If it’s true, that’s a hell of a twist on happily ever after, but it would feel like a hell of a waste. Some felt that way about “LOST,” and for some that’s justifiable, but this has been way too frustrating of a ride to endure for some spiritual, metaphorical payoff. I wouldn’t mind if OUAT was like an acid trip, some out of body experience that won’t become clear until I’ve come back down to earth. But this show feels like less of a hallucinogenic high and more like someone giving me poor directions. Yeah, yeah. It’s the journey not the destination. Well on this journey the kids keep needing to stop to pee and screaming, “Are we there yet?!”

And that’s my masterful little segue into the actual car trip that starts the episode. After Regina’s “in case you didn’t know Regina was anxious about death” dream that spoon-fed us Regina’s current mental state, we pick up inside Emma’s car where she plans to take Henry far away from his wretched mother. Heart’s in the right place, but oh my could that backfire. Henry, for once, is the voice of reason. Well, his “reasons” involve saving everybody, but he knows his bio-mom is solving her problems by running and he jerks the wheel, veering them off the road. They aren’t hurt, but Emma gets the message and turns around.

Mary Margaret is rightfully pissed off that Emma would have left without saying goodbye to her “family.” She specifically calls Emma out for reverting, which I’m glad someone mentioned since I was fascinated by last week’s regression. Emma realizes she has to figure out what’s best for Henry so she does coffee with Dr. Hopper. He doesn’t definitively say that Henry’s better off with Emma versus Regina—I’m guessing his reluctance isn’t entirely genuine since he used this exact scenario as leverage for his job against Regina earlier in the season—but he’s certain this war of theirs can only be harmful to the kid’s psyche (especially since he already thinks I’m Jiminy Cricket and you’re….Jesus I guess).

After being rejected by Gold (ain’t no magic powerful enough to get me to help you win babe), Regina seeks her own magical ace in the hole to tip the scales. She enlists The Mad Hatter. I’ll give points to the writers for a creative way to summon him—a calling card attached to his daughter’s bicycle. Of course he watches her even though she doesn’t know who he is. Her request is that he use his hat, which she has been kept from him (for obvious reasons like extortion), to travel back to Fairy Tale Land to retrieve something for her. What does he get in return? His memory wiped. He’ll have no recollection of the daughter he lost. Again, I’m a sucker for psychology so this request of his intrigued me. When we get a glimpse into how much of a rouse their “happiness” was in the FTL, I’m mystified. When we’re back to broad battles of good vs. evil, curses with conditions, and fairy warfare (more on that next) they lose me.

Our fairyback this week consists of a failed rescue mission and the quintessential Snow White tale of the apple. Last we saw, Prince James had been captured by his adoptive father, King George. For his treason—refusing to marry King Midas’ daughter—he’ll be guillotined. But as the blade drops it turns to water. The EQ herself storms in and buys Charming off the king’s hands. She is using him as bait to lure Snow White. So there’s strike one against the rescue. I knew the whole time she’d fail! If she wanted Snow to come and get him, why would she make it so easy? Come on, people. Think with your brain. Strike two against the rescue mission, terrible castle CGI. Though I love seeing cute girls kick butt, whether it’s Ginnifer Goodwin or Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers (SO GOOD btw), I’m sold. But the castle backdrop was a laughingstock. And strike three? Fairies. Dear Lord, the fairies. When the whole dwarves yielding pickaxes and Snow White going MMA on the royal guards is negated by pretty fairies in a flying V dropping glitter bombs, it just robs a fight sequence of its cool factor INSTANTLY.

Once Snow arrives at the cell and discovers that Granny’s Admiral Ackbar impression was right (for those who don’t get the reference watch Star Wars for crying out loud, but the line is “It’s a trap!”), the Evil Queen interrupts their cross-magic mirror reunion with the most unnecessary line the show may have ever used, “I had to stop you. I have no interest in cleaning tongue marks off my mirror.” Ew, Regina. Why’d you have to go and get all nasty. Their love is pure. Why you gotta dirty it up like that? So EQ makes things awkward and then defines what a parlay is (who hasn’t seen at least ONE pirate movie) and they agree to meet where “it all began,” which is ominous before the commercial break speak for “where you saw me and my stable boy kissing.”

At their meeting, Regina guilts Snow about how she was the worst child ever because she couldn’t keep a goddamn secret. She shows her Daniel’s grave, blames her for her mother ripping out his heart (again, I think her beef is with mom) and tells her she can pay penance if she eats her poison apple. Skeptical, (because, well, it sounds like it might kill her), Snow asks why should she? Regina replies, because I’ll kill your boyfriend if you don’t. Damn, she’s sneaky! So Snow willingly eats the apple and turns into “a tomb to house all her regrets.” So, wannabe Shakespeare talk for “she’s in a coma.” This sets us up for the pilot where Charming kisses her awake (DISCLAIMER: This does not work on most coma patients).

Conveniently, when Mad Hatter opens the portal to retrieve the famed apple—which was so painfully telegraphed when he said, “Maybe I can reach through and grab something. But it has to be small enough to fit in my hand.” HAHAHA—it’s just been chewed on by Snow and has rolled downhill into the magical sinkhole they made. It was a nice touch that the magical catalyst they needed was the ring her stable boy proposed to her with, I must say. Then Regina bakes it into an apple turnover that she gives to Emma after they agree on a rough custody agreement. This leads into what I thought was the best scene because despite Henry’s atrocious overacting, it was the most grounded in reality. Emma tells Henry that she is leaving Storybrooke, but that she’ll visit and the kid is devastated. No matter the reason, separating a kid from love is just cruel and it got to me. Then Henry eyes the turnover and makes a desperate move for his mama. He bites into it to prove the curse is real and he drops to the floor. If Emma still has trouble buying into the book now, I think she’s swimming DEEP in denial river.

This final twist was sure to make many a viewer gasp, and I agree with it as an apt way to appeal to Emma’s issues with believing, whether in herself or in something she can’t figure out—after all she’s an expert in lie detection. Still, the mechanics that got us here are shoddy. The boundaries under which magic manifests in this world are a permeable membrane that allows in any deus ex machine it pleases. When a fleet of fairy bombers can take out a couple dozen knights, it’s no longer magical. Doubt and disbelief are what make those moments where we see the beyond all the more enchanting.When wicked curses start resembling contracts, it’s clear they’ve lost sight of why we love fairy tales. It’s about beating the odds, not rigging the game.

P.S. “Once Upon A Time,” I know it’s a season finale preview, but the “Requiem for a Dream” theme music was a little much. You already take this whole fairy tale, cross-dimesion epic too seriously, no need for more theatrics.

Robb Stark (Richard Madden) learns Winterfell has been taken by Theon Greyjoy, a man he once called brother.

A couple weeks ago when I reviewed “Garden of Bones,” I noted I was bummed we missed the brunt of another Robb battle. I recognize that as a TV show they don’t have Lord of the Rings money, but I so badly want to see Robb Stark slice and dice some Lannisters that I couldn’t help but sigh.

But I’ve figured out why those sequences can be skipped over. The romantic notion that faceless soldiers are rushing off to foreign lands and winning us our freedom by sacrificing their safety, shooting at whatever savage enemy threatens our way of life, is easy to root for, but it’s not warfare at its purest. Warfare is contained in intimate and brutal moments where the life men thought they knew is shattered along with his convictions, their heart melts as innocence and beauty are torn apart and he’s inspired to swear allegiance to whomever will allow them to seek revenge. Game of Thrones is so appropriately titled because it isn’t titled The War of Kings. Notice that besides Stannis’ shadow-stabbing his brother, no substantial movements toward attaining that coveted throne have been made.

We have four episodes left in the season and King’s Landing is untouched. However, on a small scale, assault after assault is derailing or emboldening the would-be rulers. And even more troubling for these commanders is the truth that much of their conquest depends on love and loyalty, a commodity in short supply. And then there’s the eternally undervalued assets: the women of Westeros. If this episode reminded us of anything, it’s that no matter how despicably these queens, princesses, and even wildings are treated, they govern the most vulnerable part of a knight’s armor, his heart.

Winterfell

Maester Luwin races against time to send out a messenger raven as Theon and his forces take Winterfell. His plan to draw out their men with a small raid on Torrhen’s Square worked splendidly. To be fair, the commander of these remaining Northern soldiers was like…a 10 year old cripple? So Theon is not exactly a military mastermind, just lucky his competition is weak. Regardless he storms into Bran’s bedroom and the sleepy lord pulls himself out of bed and refuses to surrender. Though there isn’t much choice and the kind-hearted boy wants to limit the casualties so he does concede. He asks his former “brother” a heartbreaking question, “Did you hate us the whole time?” It’s the perfect emotion for the boy to portray. Robb trusted him to enlist the Greyjoy fleet and they housed him for years treating him like one of their own. But as Balon Greyjoy has pointed out, Theon is not, and never will be, a Stark. His time in Winterfell was a condition of surrender, not a courtesy. Why should he feel like a traitor?

As Theon requested, Bran assembles his people in the courtyard. Osha tells the young lord that his dream has come true; the ocean has come to swallow this place. Ser Rodrik Cassel returns from Torrhen’s Square only to be captured immediately. When Rodrik sees Theon he berates the lad for this ungrateful and pitiful rebellion. He implores him to see that those who love him are there in Winterfell not at Pyke, but Theon’s mind is made up and he does not submit and assures the townspeople they will love him as they did Ned Stark. For comparing himself to his former and honorable lord, Rodrik spits in the face of his “conqueror.” Theon’s reaction is to throw him in jail, but his first mate demands Rodrik pay “the iron price” a.k.a execution.

Bran begs that cooler heads prevail, and the fear in Theon’s eyes reduces him to the forlorn child he really is. All he wanted was to belong to a house, and confronted with the choice he chooses the easy path of the sword. The brutal decision is reflected in the execution. You see how weak Theon is and how dull his sword is and you know this won’t be a clean hack. Rodrik’s last words are sure to haunt Theon: “Now you are truly lost.” He swings down on Rodrik’s neck a few times, and to finish off the beheading he kicks it off. This is one of the best cases I can make for the gratuitous violence. Although it’s repulsive, in this instance it shows how poorly suited Theon is for his position. He’s too green to be a slaughterer, but in this cruel world you will eventually be on one end of the sword, and the safest side is the least cleansing for the soul.

With the blood of his former protector on his hands, Theon enjoys his spoils. Osha, the wilding he helped capture last season pleads twice to serve her new lord. She first asks to be employed as a warrior, but Theon knows the risk of handing her a spear. So the second time around she bargains for her freedom by offering her body. We know from how he fondled his sister (he didn’t know it was her, to be fair) that Theon’s a dog, so this is a well-conceived play that he buys hook, line and sinker when she strips. Post-coitus, as he sleeps, Osha gets up and whisks Bran, little brother Rickon and Hodor out of the castle. I was legitimately shocked that she possessed such loyalty and the act immediately shot her up a few places to become one of my favorite Westerosi women. Arya and Margery still reign supreme, but she’s close with Daenerys, who I’ve become disappointed with and will discuss below.

North of the Wall

While our thrilling introduction of Winterfell’s siege sets a bleak and desperate tone, we get some hope on the horizon in the frigid north. Qhorin Halfhand leads Jon Snow into the Frostfangs mountain range hunting for wildlings. After all, beyond the wall you either kill while they sleep, or you might not wake up yourself. Halfhand further advises his new ranger to be naive and think his courage and heroic ambitions will save him. “Start thinking you know this place and it will kill you.” He also destroys his ideas of glory with another great line, “Your death will be a gift to those south of the wall…they won’t even know your name.”

They eventually descend upon one small group and Jon has one of them in his grasp. When he pulls off her hood he’s surprised to find a woman. He, of course, hesitates as she mocks him for never having killed a woman before. Halfhand orders him to execute her, a mirroring of Theon’s dilemma. As his superior and the others climb to the top, they leave Jon to his dirty work. Where Theon “succeeded” though, Jon fails. He intentionally misses her neck, and Ygritte scurries away. After a chase across the gorgeous frozen landscape, Jon tackles her. Now lost from the group Jon and his prisoner take shelter (well they just sort of plop on the ground) for the night.

The adorable Rose Leslie as Ygritte (who looks-wise is a hell of a challenger to Emilia Clarke’s Daenersy and Natalie Dormer’s Margery) suggests they’d be warmer if they snuggle. Jon reluctantly—though, come on, he perked up soon as she said that—agrees. The scene’s wonderful because I’ve been wondering with how good-looking Kit Harrington is if he was ever going to have a love interest. And how better to thaw a cold-hearted warrior than a woman’s warmth. When she wiggles a bit to get comfortable I wondered if Jon snipped at her because it excited him. I mean, she was kind of rubbing on him. Or maybe I’m just a pig, but he’s got to be thinking it, right? Didn’t Theon tease him for never having been with a woman? Well, you know he wants it, only a matter of time.

King’s Landing

Joffrey’s reign becomes even messier after a ceremony sending his sister, Myrcella, off to Dorne as Tyrion had arranged. Although, I’ll admit, I thought that engagement was all smoke and mirrors to uncover Pycelle’s treachery. Guess he was killing two messenger ravens with one arrow. During the proceedings, Cersei, playing up the bitter and scorned mother, threatens her imp brother by wishing that he one days knows love. She hopes that he finds a woman whom he cares for so deeply that he even sees her with his eyes closed. And then, once he’s found her, she’ll take her from him. Harsh as all hell, but it was a dick move on Tyrion’s part. Cersei doesn’t deserve kindness, but you’d imagine that besides her herself, her children are probably the only things that matter to the ice queen.

As the royalty is being escorted through the town square, his subjects mock Joffrey and one throws a cowpie (well let’s call it was it is, a piece of sh*t) serving as a catalyst for a full-on riot. Insulted, the fervid twerp barks at his guards to kill them all. The ensuing melee is equally as gruesome as Theon’s execution, especially when a high priest is torn limb from limb. In the scrum, Sansa Stark, Joffrey’s future queen, is displaced and run down by four peasants who intend to rape her when The Hound swoops in to rescue her, disposing of the savage subjects like it’s nothing.

Disgusted, Tyrion screams at his nephew for his foolishness. The peasants are upset because they are starving due to a war he started by decapitating Ned Stark. He is the only one to blame for the chaos. Joffrey whines like the runt he is that he can’t be spoken to that way. Tyrion delivers a typically gangster quip after he emphatically smacks the kid king upside the head: “And now I struck a king! Did my hand fall off?” What a badass mofo. And he’s absolutely right, the overwhelmed City Watch—who is mostly off fighting for Tywin—might fail to contain the damages because he couldn’t just wipe the sh*t off his face and move on. Joffrey doesn’t demand respect he cries for it like the baby he is. He’s so insecure about his own claim to the throne that he motivates others to take it from him because he rules so impulsively.

Harrenhal

Arya impresses Tywin Lannister with her capability and wit. He jokes that she should choose his next battle plan. Suddenly, Petyr Baelish pays him a visit and Arya cannot leave since she must serve wine, but Baelish after serving her father will surely recognize her face. She does the best she can to move swiftly, but from the quizzical look on Baelish’s face he must recognize her. Let’s hope if he has placed her he doesn’t intend to share this with Tywin. Though a part of me wonders how Tywin will react. He has treated her so kindly and they’ve developed a mutual respect, a bond of sorts. Would he spare her? Baelish’s business is probably on behalf of Margery Tyrell (I missed her so), possibly on his own, and interested in brokering an alliance between the Tyrells and the Lannisters to oppose the now inflated forces of Stannis Baratheon.

Later, a sneaky Arya, artfully dodges Tywin’s questions of how she learned to read. She answers that her father was a stonemason who taught her and himself and that loyalty killed him. At least the last part is true. Oh Arya, how awesome are you? Then when she baits him to discuss his father and upbringing she steals his battle plan off the table and runs off with it when he asks for a log for the fire. She runs into his knight Ser Amory Lorch who questions her about the paper. She scampers away and hurriedly finds Jaqen, who has two more people to kill for her. She insists he do it fast and just as Ser Lorch enters Tywin’s chamber he falls over with a dart in his neck. Two down, one to go. And Arya is once again resourceful, brilliant and the most badass little girl in the Seven Kingdoms. Maisie Williams, in an episode full of memorable acing, might still have the crown.

Robb Stark’s camp

Because the cosmos couldn’t have one one good-looking Stark brother with a lady friend and not the other, the nurse from two episodes ago, Talisa, appears again to charm Robb. I found their first encounter riveting given that she was basically insulting his leadership. She pointed out the needless bloodshed of war and the hypocrisy of it—that in fighting for peace you kill innocent men. But as mothers always do, Catelyn Stark arrives as he’s macking her. What a cockblock. Then she reminds him he’s betrothed, due to a debt they must repay. I’m thinking Robb gets out of it somehow because this one’s a keeper. And besides, he’s no Lannister, he doesn’t “always pay his debts.”

Robb also gets wind of the sacking of Winterfell by Theon. Considering he sent Theon to Pyke for recruiting purposes, he takes it personally. He commands a few hundred men led by Northern lord Roose Bolton’s bastard son Ramsay Snow—remember all bastards are named Snow in the North. All that Robb requires is that Theon’s brought back alive so he can ask him why, then kill him himself. Hell yeah, Robb. Show that adopted brother why he probably was right not to believe you were his family. Oh, wait.

Qarth

And lastly, Daenerys. Last season, she put in work. She seduced a Dothraki warlord, she watched as her brother was killed by molten gold, and she birthed some dragons. Not a bad few months. But as of lately, she hasn’t gotten very far. Well, she crossed the Red Waste and gained entry in Qarth on reputation and threats. But since last week, not much has happened. She denied Xaro (the richest man in Qarth) a marriage proposal, good for her. But she’s resorted to begging others now. Someone already offered you ships, you just had to marry him! You already married someone in your pursuit of the crown, why stop now? I guess she fell for Drogo, but now she wants to be principled? I’m not sure.

So she gets an audience with the eloquent and ruthless Spice King. She asks for a fleet of ships to cross the Narrow Sea. He says, I got a business to run, and I don’t blame him. It isn’t a solid investment. She has no army, and no real allies when you consider most people have forgotten the Targaryen name. Her passion is unrelenting and admirable, but all she has is the threat of dragons. She babbles some spiel about how her dreams come true (which sort of explains how she so confidently walked into fire in last season’s finale), but as a practical and self-made man, I can’t fault him. I love you, Daenerys darling, but you are grasping at straws here. Don’t let Jorah’s blinding feelings for you keep you from making a advantageous business transaction with Xaro. Then, as the episode ends with Xaro advising Daenerys that she’ll need less righteous means to attain such lofty goals, she discovers her guards and maidens have been murdered and her dragons stolen. Now, she really has nothing.

Many of those we want to succeed, and even those we wish ill of, are giving themselves away, hoping that their true freedom will come. In these grim times, like Brienne and Catelyn did last week, you must swear by something powerful to survive—even if if you don’t trust them or believe in what they stand for. Osha lets Theon have his way with her, the Tyrells are making deals with the deplorable Lannisters, and Daenerys might have to let go of her beliefs and succumb to Xaro so that she may leave Qarth at least with what she came with. And Arya’s problematic allegiances with Tywin and even Jaqen could easily combust if the truth comes to light. Robb and Jon have women who have ensnared their affections, but love can be the most deadly of loyalties. While I feel like by episode six they had built up more steam last season, there’s no doubt in my mind that with magic lingering over them and desperate alliances being forged, we could see a head-on collision of swords and shadows in the coming weeks.

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

Even with the many innovations in television over the past five years -  H.D., streaming, interactivity- an upcoming and bizarre invention known as Dog TV may be the most out-of-the-box development for the tube yet. Dog TV boasts that it will be the first cable network made exclusively (and scientifically) for man’s best friend.

Originally launched in February on local networks in San Diego, Dog TV was pushed mostly as a cure for canines with separation anxiety. With the backing of certified veterinarians and canine experts, Dog TV uses a series of techniques to make mentally and emotionally stimulating programs for dogs to watch while their masters are away.

“For years, pet owners have been leaving a television or radio on when they go out so their pets have company,” said Dr. Nick Dodman, director of the Animal Behavior Clinic at TuftsUniversity. “However, with analog television, dogs could only see a flickering screen. Dog TV uses HD screens in order to allow dogs to see the picture more clearly.”

Alterations have also made to color and sound of the programs to make them more accessible to dogs. “Dogs can see blue and yellow, but not red or green,” Dobman said, “so colors are altered for Dog TV, too. Also, because high frequency sounds can be very irritating to dogs, they’ve been removed, and music is written and tailored for their hearing.”

According to Dog TV’s website and press releases, the channel’s programs will be divided into three categories: Relaxation will reduce stress levels with calming music, sounds, and visuals; Stimulation will use footage of other animals and fast moving objects in order to stave off lethargic behavior; and Exposure “uses special sounds and visuals to help habituate the dog and make them more comfortable in their environment, by exposing them to different day-to-day stimuli.”

While the channel’s backer, P.T.V. Media, boasts the testimonials of several veterinary experts stating that Dog TV will help improve the lives of dogs across the country, some skeptics remain.

“I think a lot of this is to make us feel better as opposed to making the pet happier,” said Dr. Ann E. Hohenhaus, a veterinarian currently practicing in Manhattan. “Your pet needs adequate exercise and an interesting environment. You cannot just put on the TV and hope your dog is going to get better.”

Despite these objections, the projections for the channel’s success remain positive. After launching an online version in early April, the creators hope to start an add-free, paid cable channel internationally come late 2012 or early 2013.

As the Daily Mail stated, “If you figure more than 46 million U.S. households have dogs and 97% of U.S. homes have televisions, the future looks promising.”

Andy's (Chris Pratt) alter ego Burt Macklin is back and ready to neutralize a threat to Leslie's campaign.

Even after the rousing speech to end “The Debate” that inspired legions of Leslie supporters (and this reviewer), she’s still two points down. As I alluded to in my review of “Live Ammo,” the stakes have been raised for a show whose main draw is how much fun will be had on a weekly basis. There’s a sense that even the slightest slip-up could make this house of cards collapse.

Leslie is easily the only person in the race who’s fit for the position, but despite our affection for her and all her dearest advisors and staff, I’m unsure she’ll win. It’s not a matter of faith or distrust, it’s a reflection of the superb storytelling. Sitcoms have used tension to ensnare viewers since the format burst on the scene, but by and large, things work out for the best. I cannot think of a comedy that deliberately disappointed me (well “The Office” is trying real hard) by teasing something and then yanking out the tablecloth. Obstacles do a fantastic job of stalling so we spend episode upon episode waiting for the inevitable, but “Parks” is threatening more than any other comedy to not only put a twist on our hopes and expectations, but to go the route of gritty dramas and go drastic.

In some ways I want her to fail. That sort of devastation and falling-short might have more to tell us then her triumph ever could. Ultimately, my fanboy devotion hinges in on how much I love to hang with these people who have been so carefully crafted that they feel like my friends. If Leslie’s shenanigans are still staged in the parks department as opposed to city hall, I suspect it wouldn’t change a thing. Except it would change everything for how she perceives her work and what matters. And that’s an exciting possibility. And yet, a part of me would be irrationally angry if she lost. This show has me by the throat and it won’t let go. Only as my last breath escapes, will I know what I absolutely want, but by then will be too late.

Luckily the last moments will be joyous. Even as LesBen seems to be outsmarted at every turn by Jenn Barkley, they weasel their way out with charm and genuine kindness that isn’t advisable in any political script. In this penultimate episode of season four, it’s the final day of the campaign and nothing screams last shot like a tour bus with your face plastered on the side. Leslie visualizes her victory, but she doesn’t have the votes yet so she must parade around town and repeat her precisely-timed stump speech and shoot off t-shirt cannons to sway any fence-sitters. At one location, her preparations are tossed aside when she’s asked to comment on Nick Newport Sr., Bobby’s father. She slams the former Sweetums CEO for exploiting the townspeople and calls him a jerk, only to be informed by the same reporter that she was asking for comment on Nick Newport’s death. Now baffled, she’s unable to spin her out-of-context bashing and Jenn Barkley demands Leslie suspend all her campaign events to pay respect to the Newport family.

Off on a separate mission are Tom, Donna and Ron who need to negotiate with Bill Butler of BBB Auto Rental about lowering the price point for a fleet of vans to chauffeur seniors on voting day. His sudden price hike is a result of the Newport campaign offering $10,000 to park them somewhere so that Leslie can’t use them. Considering they expected a $900 charge, the new mark seems unmanageable. Mike O’Malley plays Bill Butler with just the right balance of snark and sinister (and he’s sans ball cap!). Interesting tidbit, O’Malley was second in the running for the role of Ron Swanson, so to see them play off each other is delightful. I can’t imagine anyone but Nick Offerman since he owns the part, but O’Malley’s sarcastic, stubborn and simple-minded “swagger” fits the Pawnee universe like a glove.

Chris and Andy both have sidebars that offer up the yucks. Chris Traeger is so self-aware about the mechanics of his body and psyche that he knows he’ll spiral into an abyss if he doesn’t keep moving. Without the stimulation of exercise, or some task, he’ll dwell on his tough year in love. April—who appears to be an bounty of advice lately—tries to play down his depression since the girls he’s sulking over weren’t the prizes he perceives them to be. For once, April’s newfound perspective is to no avail and Chris bikes furiously beside the tour bus to avoid death.

Andy’s plot is the polar opposite on the epic spectrum. His persona, FBI agent Burt Macklin returns to solve the case of the projectile pie. While Leslie is leaving an event, a pie struck Jerry in the face (because, of course), but Andy/Burt believes it was intended for the prospective councilwoman. He works tirelessly to investigate, even reenacting the altercation with Jerry. Poor guy has to be smushed several times in the face in super slow-mo to assist Andy. After staring at his board (which just has a picture of Leslie and a string leading from that photo to a picture of a pie) for hours he reassesses the video footage and determines that Leslie was too far from where the pie landed to be the target. The real objective was Ben!

Leslie continues the campaign visits (even though Ann suggested it was the wrong move) and at a reading of her children’s book Groffle The Awful Waffle, kids and reporters alike hound her about “Jerkgate” and Leslie reconsiders. She requests her friends line up by how much she trusts them—Jerry takes a step back believing he isn’t far enough away and Ben and Ann eye each other competitively as they inch closer. She decides to set up a public apology with Bobby Newport so she can hit the trail afterwards. But it blows up in their faces when they enter the gates to the Newport mega-mansion to find a memorial service being conducted, and during their attempts to turn around they run over Nick Newport…the portrait. The games and maneuvering never cease for Barkley who is not afraid to manipulate others (and she “likes” Leslie) to win. The most impressive feat might be how much Leslie has matured in the political sphere. She’s tripped up by Barkley twice in this episode alone and her composure is unflappable. Yes, there’s an air of panic, but it’s not responded to nonsensically or without forethought, which was her often her folly  in the parks department. Now we see less of a spaz freakout and more of a fiery spill that she’s so adept at cleaning up because she channels her personal appeal: the assuring smile, the perseverance and integrity.

In private, Leslie apologizes to Bobby who’s virtually bowling. There’s the spectacular sight gag where the camera zooms out to show that he’s playing video game bowling next to his personal bowling alley—because his avatar, “the little guy” waves at him. As only she can, Leslie issues a sincere mea culpa and even consoles Bobby, who ran only to impress his dad, with a story about of her own parent where she ran track to impress her mom and despite coming in dead last she was proud anyway. Bobby then uses that story to memorialize his dad which confounds Leslie. Then he makes up for it though by quasi-endorsing Leslie, telling the press to back off because she’s super cool. It’s expected of Bobby to undermine his own success, but I saw this not as ignorance, but a gracious response to Leslie’s lack of mudslinging.

Since Ron Swanson’s sit-down was no good, Donna sits at the exit of BBB Auto Rental. As Mr. Butler tries to leave he’s blocked and bumps her car. Now, if you know the show, Donna’s Mercedes is her baby. She adores that automobile more than most people. Most people. Her devotion to Leslie Knope surpasses even that bond, and she makes the ultimate sacrifice. Donna reverses and stomps on the gas colliding with Butler’s front bumper, destroying her baby’s back. Tom and Ron claim to be eyewitnesses who saw Butler rear-end her. Instead of an insurance settlement she asks for compensation in vans. Donna’s character is the least serviced of the bunch, but when she’s allowed to stretch out it’s almost always memorable.

Chris and Burt Macklin’s threads wrap up in separately rewarding ways. Jennifer Barkley takes advantage of a still moping Chris and propositions him for sex in one of Newport’s many bedrooms not occupied by a dead body. He starts to reject her, but she suggests the campaign is over and that’s she very good and suddenly he’s game. He was in a fragile state and actress Kathryn Hahn is hot, so saddle up cowboy. Though with her penchant for scheming she could easily be playing him. The question is what could she extract or how could she spin this? Or could this be Barkley finally throwing her hands up, ready to be human again instead of an ice machine? I suspect it’s the former, simply because the formula suggests that a roadblock besides the voting populace will manifest itself in the finale.

Burt Macklin was easily the most purely silly aspect of the episode. He confronts Sewage Joe (a frequent creeper at city hall who was fired earlier in the seeing for sending penis pics to female coworkers) about his attempted pie-ing, and it’s every bit the welcome break in the tense (though still amusing and whimsical as hell) political proceedings. As Andy brags about how he caught Joe before he could strike again, Joe unleashes his whipped cream fury anyway, smushing Ben square in the face. The perpetrator walks off in cuffs though, so Burt Macklin FBI nabs another one—sorta.

It’s hard to match the elation felt at the end of “The Debate,” which felt like every line was loaded with laughs, ready to erupt upon deploy. “Bus Tour” was more low-key in a way. Despite the frantic tone as the tour bus swerved to avoid any harmful debris thrown in the road by Jenn, we’re left off closer to the election, but we haven’t shifted much in attitude. I’m not any more secure about Leslie’s chances even after Bobby’s naive compliments. Even the supporting players have been stuck for a time. April over the course of the season has grown by leaps and bounds, but for a few weeks now she’s been doling out sterling advice free of charge. Chris in a love rut, Tom and Ann are just as donezo as last week and Ben’s still so smitten it’s stupid (but cute, obviously).

It makes sense they’re in limbo since the past few months they’ve been militantly championing their girl, but it’s noticeable how much I miss getting to just mess around without the pending election results hanging over their heads. The writing’s still sharp and I’d choose Pawnee as a destination for entertainment over most hot spots, but the foreplay, while tantalizing, is just a tease. Mentally, it’s made me insatiable for the payoff, but I’m almost as revved up for the the morning after. The faults are few and far between, but therein might lie the problem. “Parks and Rec” has hit such a rhythm that you anticipate satisfaction. But I’m ready to be wowed, and maybe even disheartened.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Leslie imagining herself winning the election: “And I can see in the crowd, President Obama, smiling at me. He made it! I didn’t think he would come, but he made it! Hey buddy!”

- Burt Macklin’s codenames: His= Eagle 1; Ann=Been There Done That; April=Currently Doing That; Donna=It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris=If I Had to Pick a Dude; Ben=Eagle 2 (to which he says “Thank God!”)

- “Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is clothing shot at them from a cannon.”

- “Anything else would be considered a classless move on par with spray-painting nipples on the Lincoln Memorial.”

- “The worst possible thing you could do is stop. Because if the campaign stops, we all stop, and stopping means certain death. Who wants a panini?”

- Donna: “Everyone will see your logo, which is…you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.” Bill Butler: “Yeah, it was a hell of a day. People need to know about it.”

- “Quit ducking the waffle question, did Groffle use a boat of some kind?” “Are we to assume he swam across the syrup river?”

- Ben’s nerdy allusion to Star Wars: “It’s a trap!”

- “First of all, dark places are awesome.”

- “Now I get it, my dad and your mom are dicks!”

- Bill Butler: “What about you, Mr. A Man’s Word is Sacred?” Ron: “Well it is, but you’re an asshole.”

If you’re a “Supernatural” fan, you’ve already heard: the Winchester boys will be back again, riding into Season 8 this fall. But, if you’re a true Supernatural fan, you know that is not a good thing at all.

The show has gone on too long. Last month it was announced that co-show runner Sera Gamble will be stepping down, replaced by longtime writer Jeremy Carver. The original creator and show runner, Eric Kripke, left the show two seasons ago, though he’s claimed a consistent presence in the show’s production.

Now presumably both of these creators left to work on other projects, but lets cut through the smoke: they left because they are out of ideas. Kripke always claimed the show had a five season plan, and he left after that fifth season. And now after two sub-par seasons of the show where it seems its soul has pulled a Sam, Gamble is leaving too.

The show very clearly had a five year plan. Each year, for five seasons, the stakes were upped, the worldview expanded, and the show arguably got better and better (we’ll not delve into thoughts on Season 3). Whether you loved the ending to the shows main arc or not, it’s clear that it ended with season 5.

And yet the Winchester boys are still going. Still out there fighting the good fight, despite the fact that its internal logic demanded they would have perished by now. They’ve tried to one up its original story, but how do you one-up Satan? You don’t. (It’s also miscast..another story)

So, yay, “Supernatural” is coming back. If you’re a diehard fan–and if you’re reading this, you are–but grow up, and admit it to yourself: this dance has gone on a little too long.

“Game of Thrones” is the story of a power struggle in a feudal society, filled with political intrigue, betrayal, violence, moral ambiguity, and character drama.

You wouldn’t know this if you’d read the vast majority of the media feedback on the show, however.

No, if all you knew about “Game of Thrones” came from reviews and entertainment news outlets, you would think that “Game of Thrones” is about boobs. Lots and lots of boobs.

Boobs.

Boobs on naked women. Boobs on semi-naked women. Boobs on women having sex. Boobs on women getting dressed. Boobs on women getting undressed. Boobs.

Tired of that topic yet? Yeah, exactly. That’s probably how a“Game of Thrones” fan reading reviews of the show feels too: entertainment news and the blogosphere can’t seem to keep from hyper-focusing on the show’s ample nudity and sex.

And believe you me: There is a lot of nudity and sex in “Game of Thrones.”

No one is disputing that. The problem is that people are choosing to focus on the mature content at the expense of the show’s other redeeming qualities. Worse still, the nudity and sex is being touted as a hugely offensive, negative part of the show… instead of, say, the equally humongous amounts of graphic violence.

According to entertainment news, we are apparently living in a world where suggestiveness is way, way worse than violence and abuse. It’s a world where a scene in which Margaery Tyrell willingly disrobes (boobs!) is so awful it must be commented upon incessantly, but the sight of Eddard Stark’s decapitated head stuck on a pike is not worth mentioning.

This discrepancy has become so obvious that 9Gag.com has created a chart documenting the amount of nudity per episode. A chart depicting deaths or violent acts, however, has yet to be created. Apparently it isn’t as worth talking about as all of the boobs.

The subject of nakedness in “Game of Thrones” has become so pervasive that reviewers are taking special note of when it’s not included in an episode, as in this article from Wired. It’s a subject for intense journalistic discourse, requiring both opponents and defenders, and it’s been parodied by SNL.

Leading lady Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen, can’t even get through a single interview or profile without someone asking her about what she thinks of being unclothed so often on the show. Exhibits A, B, and C. Of less note, apparently, is her character’s emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with her brother, or the violence done on her behalf and by her orders.

Last year we covered NYT reporter Ginia Bellafonte’s woefully condescending and point-missing early review of “Game of Thrones,” in which she, too, commented on the provocativeness as a point against the show. Her point seemed to be that the target demographic was obsessed with boobs, yet she herself failed to note what the story is actually about.

If anyone is “obsessed” with boobs, it’s not the audience: it’s the apparently puritanical reviewers.

The trend of clutching one’s journalistic pearls over the sight of nudity in “Game of Thrones” is disturbing on a number of levels.

First, sex and nudity are a pretty natural part of life and relationships, a fact that shouldn’t shock most of the TV-viewing public. Beheadings, impalings, torture, executions, brutal maiming, fights to the death, and brawls on the other hand, are not part of daily life, nor should they be. The fact that the graphic violence of “Game of Thrones” is somehow more acceptable to reviewers and bloggers than the sight of Daenerys Targaryen’s breasts is rather… well, backward.

It’s hypocritical and frankly weird that this aspect of “Game of Thrones” has incited a more negative reaction than the violence and death. Not that there’s anything wrong with the violence in “Game of Thrones,” either, it’s just… where are our priorities?

If we’re waving our arms around in outrage over nudity, shouting “Think of the children!”, shouldn’t we be more upset by the exposure to grisly deaths and violence than the very normal and benign sight of the naked human body?

It probably says much more about our society’s outlook on human sexuality­­—and female sexuality, in particular—than it does about the show’s “gratuitous” use of it.

Perhaps the show’s focus on sexuality matter of taste. After all, much of it is plot-related, and the show would suffer for its exclusion. The very first episode of season one ends with a young child being hurled from a tower after peering in on an incestuous (twincestuous?), adulterous coupling that he was never meant to see. That scene shapes the beginning of the conflict between two major houses, and reveals the secret that will eventually start a war.

Then again, there’s also Esme Bianco’s Ros, a character invented for the show (she doesn’t appear in the books, though she does replace a few prostitutes from the novels) as a vehicle of exposition. Purists might say that the busty redhead (who spends a great deal of time in her birthday suit) is not essential to the plot, and is an unnecessary distraction, even if she clarifies plot points through dialogue.

Matters of personal taste aside: is there truly anything wrong with including salacious material in the show, whether or not it was explicitly shown or even implied in the books?

No. There’s not. There’s really not, and viewers or reviewers who are offended might just need to kindly grow the hell up.

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) and Cece (Hannah Simone) share a tender moment at a nursing home.

The “backslide” is a classic concept. When people’s loneliness gets the best of them they begin to regress. Some make late night calls to their most recent exes (or the abominable “drunk text”), or they might stoop so low as to booty call an even older ex who they can count on to fill their vulnerable void. Jess’ slip down the regretful slide begins whimsically with her sulking in bed to Joni Mitchell’s “The River.”

Schmidt, Winston and Cece all try to gingerly lift her sprits for the selfish reason that they don’t want to hear the GD song anymore. When Cece finally does get rid of her funk, Nick and Caroline protest when she cuts the music since Caroline just developed a kooky dance routine ripe with white-girl crumping* and pathetic Nick beat-boxing. It’s a quiet triumph of a cold open—not burst-out-laughing, but a delightful way to set the tone of shame that will ensue.

* Actually, it kind of reminded me of this gem, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover model Kate Upton grooving in a bikini. ENJOY!

And honestly, that’s what this episode is: a shame-filled insult fest and kick in the pants for the audience and characters alike. It’s a chance to reminisce on how far they have come together, but it’s a fragile balance they’ve achieved. The loft is full of lost and lonely souls. For Winston and Schmidt the scale has been skewed because they’ve found stability (though Winston seems TOO happy and secure). In Nick and Jess’ cases both are masking the sting of successive failures, and by episode’s end one chooses not to settle, while they other hides behind lies he tells himself that even Past Nick scoffs at.

Since the Fancyman saga, there hasn’t been many missteps. Like joke jets whizzing by overhead, tonight you could miss all the wonderful material if you are watching closely. The only missiles fired that weren’t direct hits were when they took their finger off the trigger to deliver some romantic advice that felt rushed and simplified when Jess and Nick’s wounds can’t be treated by platitudes.

Their tailspins begin at the bar where Nick’s serving Nick Miller Manhattans—straight bourbon in a plastic cup—and Caroline appears as his doting sweetheart. The whole episode seems to harken back to forever ago when Jess was off-the-wall and she was the lightning rod that shook up the loft’s status quo. Again, a fitting tribute to the strides this show has made in finding itself. What also happened back then was Nick’s devastation when Caroline ripped out his heart. Why would he want to revisit that? He needs so badly for her to be different he’s willed it true. Then again, maybe this is the optimist in me, but perhaps she has changed, thought every TV instinct tells me nuh-uh.

Schmidt and Winston see “backslider” written all over Jess and and patrol closely to ensure she doesn’t crawl back to Russell. But when a frumpily-clad Cece (her hotness must be dialed down while his genitals recover) enters the bar, Schmidt’s distracted just enough for Jess to place a longing phone call. Though it isn’t to whom you would suspect. Paul Genzlinger a.k.a Justin Long. The ugly crier himself wakes up spooning with Jess and when she sees him off Schmidt and Winston rattle off the nicknames: Mercedes Genz, Genzel Washington, The Genz of the World as We Know It, and Genz and Genzils. Jess’ body language says this was definitely a white flag waved in desperation, but her booty call comes back to bite her when Paul reveals he has a steady. The Asian Jess, Jen.

As Paul is bawling over his betrayal, Jen walks in—chunky glasses, flowery dress, wavy hair, the works—and Jess improvises well saying they were discussing the electoral college. Tears flowing, Paul whimpers “It seems so unfair. Votes don’t mean as much!” And while they’re in the clear then, Jess knows they can’t keep the secret, especially since Paul insists she’s his soulmate. So in school the next day, Jess assists Paul in coming clean. Jen ends up crying in just as ugly a fashion as Paul, but somehow he gains her forgiveness, not without Jess’ help. She levels with Jen that it sucks to be cheated on, but forgiveness is easier when you know you’re meant to be with someone. I do NOT prescribe to that theory and know from experience that the distrust will always be festering inside, but Jess gets to shine with her slapstick (the writers have found her sweet spot) by putting Paul through the emotions of a proposal. Terrible timing in my opinion, and she should reject him hard, but that wouldn’t have led Jess to her epiphany, I suppose.

The tertiary plot involving Schmidt and Cece succeeded where Nick and Jess’ didn’t, inserting sweetness where a punchline had been. Nick’s pathetic steps backward have been used brilliantly for weeks, and when the situation becomes serious it strikes me more suddenly than Schmece’s shift. Schmidt’s shattered love muscle was great for a sight gag, and here his pain is milked for more laughs with him staving off erections as best he can. While ugly-ing up Cece had mixed results, taking a trip to a nursing home works wonders. There, Cece’s grandmother threatens to let herself die if he hurts her granddaughter so that she can haunt him and he gets some tips on how to build a relationship with a beautiful woman from comedy vet Jack Carter! What wisdom does he share? Viagra. Helps him get up in the morning.

But the icing on this sugary sweet cake of a scene is when Cece looks proudly at Schmidt schmoozing with the seniors and decides she wants more. We knew the desire was buried inside her, but to see Schmidt reap the rewards is just as rewarding for us. However, it wouldn’t be a tender moment for Schmidt if it wasn’t undercut somehow. He passes out from the pain of emotional intimacy…because it gives him a massive hard-on. Her honesty with him makes him burst down there, and somehow, as vulgar as that sounds, for Schmidt that’s how he expresses his love. And if the writers hadn’t so splendidly illustrated him till now, we may not have appreciated that payoff as much. It’s strangely satisfying to see him writhe and contort his face because we know it means some kind of twisted victory.

Nick descends further into his rewind when Caroline asks Nick to move in with her. Despite the fact that Nick is only discovering now that she’s three years older than he is (she’s a impetuous 33), he halfheartedly consents: “You’re not not making sense.” Therefore, when Nick agrees to this rash decision Winston makes some weird, insanely funny bird-call, initiating a protocol that involves a DVD Nick made in case he let Caroline back into his life. The idea of a video intervention for yourself has been done by “Parks and Recreation” when Ron Swanson got back with Tammy, but this had its own signature flavor including a poem he had Schmidt stash until this day. It’s contents had me cackling until I coughed: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day. No, a summer’s day is not a bitch.” So simple, so effective. The visual of a caveman-looking Nick addressing his future self with a jar filled with his tears slayed me, proving that the episode had many bombs to drop and each destroyed more than the last.

Poor Winston was like a pinata this week, beaten with a barrage of insults from his roommates. The escalation of his earring proved to me though that Winston was a worthy target, not easily worn down. He gets gaudier and gaudier going from stud to hoop to full-on peacock feather and takes it all in stride. But the real victim is Jess. Without saying it blatantly, she professes her “affections” for Nick. She shares her Paul-inspired perspective: “If you really love someone, it’s simple.” Essentially, she explains what we all know, even if Nick is clicking with Caroline now, the person he deserves will be good to him from the beginning. She veers into silliness by saying she’ll shut up that Tom Waits voice in his head that tells him he’s a failure, doing a sort-of accurate impression, when he deflates her with the news that he’s moving in with Caroline.

Though the transitional phases of their relationship haven’t been executed as well as with Schmidt and Cece I was still sad for her, the emotional grab worked mostly. But Justin Long’s return feels cheap if it only offers some half-assed, Facebook status of a saying about love. Though it did add to that full circle feel, a pat on the back to this first season’s accomplishments. That self-congratulations is welcome, however, when you consider how this episode solidified New Girl as a wrecking ball ready to demolish on a nightly basis with its flurry of wit. By making the narrowing down of L.O.L.Ls a difficult task, “Backslide” earns my forgiveness, though it didn’t need to try so hard—the #backslider pop-up and the catch-your-breath ending were unnecessary—since I’ve adored these friends for a while.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Jess: “Why is she dressed up like a women’s studies major?” Schmidt: “It’s precautionary, just until my junk heals.”

- “Caroline’s way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me that I’m a failure and that I look bad in hats.”

- Schmidt: “When is it coming out?” Winston: “The earring?” Schmidt: “No, the smooth jazz album you’re dropping.”

- “I’m sorry you know how Monica Lewinsky feels!”

- Schmidt: “I’m gonna miss you Winston.” Winston: “What do you mean?” Schmidt: “When your caravan moves on to the next village.”

- Nick: “How’d the audition go?” Winston: “What?” Nick: “For the Disney pirate movie. Oh and Mr. T called. He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.”

- “Do you wanna dress like an unsponsored professional skateboarder for the rest of your life?”

- “For someone with a soulmate, you sure did have sex with me.”

- Winston: “So you and Cece are staying away from each other?” Schmidt: “Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard’s staff.”

- Awesome allusion to “Happy Endings,” the show Damon Wayans Jr. went back to instead of playing Coach (the original black guy), by Past Nick to Future Nick: “Be nice to Coach or he’ll go hang with some other white people.”

Geppetto (Tony Amendola) cradles his son, Pinocchio, after he's transformed from a puppet into a real boy.

Emma is the only thing standing in the way of happily ever after. All she has to do is believe in love, in magic, and in herself, and all that was lost will be returned. So August should be able to provide that faith, right? I mean, he’s clearly a charmer with a rad bike and a way with words. Why wouldn’t she become inspired to take on the Evil Queen, save her son, and by breaking the curse, reassemble a once thriving land? Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. And while some fans are surely screaming at their screens in frustration, this hitch in the plan is the best twist Kitsis/Horowitz have provided so far.

I know I’ve sounded like a broken record, or the boy who cried “LOST,” but the resemblance is uncanny after last night’s episode. Faith vs. Reason was the central conflict that guided the contentious relationship between LOST’s main two protagonists, Jack and Locke. That same dichotomy has been tapped into here. Except the battle between philosophies is an internal struggle for Emma. What if like LOST, this show isn’t about the answers. Maybe it’s less about the happily ever after and more about the question, what is happiness? Emma denies her destiny as August pleads for her to see what’s right in front of her. He’s proven to her that her whole life has led to this moment where she can save everyone from misery. And admirably, the writers stick to their character’s guns and say, “Well that’s too much of a burden, I don’t want that.”

So the question then becomes, how will they be saved if not by the savior? God damn, it’s got the same religious overtones LOST did too! LOST SPOILER ALERT! Lost ends with all of the Flight 815ers exiting a church into a blinding light that represents the after life. Could the trajectory of OUAT lead to the resurrection of the chosen one? I don’t think the parallels are arbitrary, either. The connection goes deeper than just shared writers. There’s LOST references and allusions in nearly every episode, and this was no exception. When August mentions the day the clocks start moving again, the day he started having shooting pains in his leg, what time was it? 8:15 A.M. Flight 815, people? And when August (a.k.a Pinocchio, which I’ll get back to) falls out of the tree into a new world without magic, a plane flies overhead. Coincidence? Even if the writers are screwing with us or just paying homage, the legacy of that show looms large here as the emphasis seems to be steering towards questions and not answers.

But it wasn’t only my empty wishes for a LOST reincarnation that made this easily one of the top three episodes of the series, but a fairyback that reminded me why this technique can be so effective. When the writers use the familiarity with the tales to their advantage it often allows them some creative space to beef up these characters. August and Geppetto owned this episode with their emotionally resonant reunion as well as the ways in which their selfishness altered the future irrevocably.

We’re transported to the tail-end of Pinocchio’s legend where he and Geppetto are evading the monstrous whale. Pinocchio pleads with Geppetto to use their life saver to save himself. He’ll be fine since he’s wooden and can float. The scene incorporates the best CGI I’ve seen on this show, and I can only speculate that the viewership has something to do with that. The quality was cinematic and it’s timed with the recent declaration of the Nielsen ratings—OUAT is the most watched new drama.Washed up on shore, Geppetto sees an unconscious Pinocchio and cries for his revival. The Blue Fairy descends upon them and grants his wish by turning Pinocchio into a real boy. The only condition of his boyhood is to always be brave, truthful and unselfish. These terms create a underlying tension in the real world since this must be involved in August’s sickness.

In the real world, Emma’s on a mission for Henry. She decides she’ll hire Gold as her attorney and assures Mary Margaret that she’s ready for motherly responsibilities. August, after installing a medieval lock on their door to keep out Regina, implores Emma to see the bigger picture, to have faith that he can help her get her kid back. Her response: “My kid needs me, I don’t have time for faith,” is a preview of her breakdown at episode’s end. Realizing his influence on her is weak, August meets with Gold, asking him to deny her counsel so that she’ll run to him. When Gold laughs at the idea he can be trusted, we’re reminded of Pinocchio’s propensity to bend the truth. For me, this was an instance where OUAT proved it can do subtle with its parallel worlds.

Fast forward to the end of the FTL, when the Blue Fairy requests Geppetto build a wardrobe out of the last enchanted tree to house a pregnant Snow White and her husband, Charming. The child, as the prophecy goes, will restore the magical realm. But Geppetto afraid for his boy’s safety, bargains to have Pinocchio take the second spot in the tree. Jiminy tries to talk him out of this foolishness, the child should not be without its parents. Geppetto nastily refers to the cricket’s horrid beginnings by saying he will help him like he helped his parents—a callback to “That Still Small Voice” where we learn that Jiminy’s parents killed Geppetto’s parents for their belongings. The Blue Fairy grants his wish anyway, and allows Pinocchio to take Charming’s place.

August whisks Emma away on his hog out of Storybrooke to tell his story. Is the reason they aren’t hurt because they were protected by the enchanted tree? Anyway, he brings her to a diner that causes Emma anxiety. The reason why is that’s where she was found as a baby. August then drops the bomb that the seven year-old boy who discovered her was him! Unconvinced, he uses details that weren’t reported by the papers like the blanket she had with her name monogrammed on it. Then he tells her how they arrived in this world through their tree portal and that her fate’s to save them all. Thinking he’s got some screws loose, Emma starts to walk away when August falls to the ground in searing pain. He explains that his sickness is actually him returning to his old wooden form. It’s punishment for not being there when Emma first settled in Storybrooke. August had lost his way and was tempted by Phuket—the real world equivalent of Pleasure Island (and the place where Jack ran away to in “Lost.” Seriously, I can keep going). Now he’s paying the steep price for not being the guardian she needed.

Pinocchio ends up being appointed Emma’s guardian because Snow does not go with her newborn in the tree. Due to a premature birth, Pinocchio and Geppetto are told he must give up his spot so that mother and child will be together. Geppetto obviously, disobeys. He instead makes Pinocchio promise to be the child’s protector. Jiminy warns of the temptations he’ll face (Thai prostitutes, it’s gotta be) in this new world without magic, but as long as he’s brave, truthful, and unselfish he’ll be fine. But as we know, August eventually abandons his charge when his overbearing and unloving foster parents give him reason to ditch. It’s a cheap excuse, but no matter the cause it wasn’t smart to entrust a seven year-old with a baby’s care, so it was inevitable.

Emma’s reluctance persists when August shows Emma his wooden leg and her ignorance is so powerful that it distorts what she sees, a real human leg. She doesn’t want to save everyone, she doesn’t want that responsibility, and Jennifer Morrison sells me on her psychology here that she’s looked out for herself for so long that she isn’t ready to be a savior. The only person she is willing to rescue is her boy right now. Therefore after her confrontation with August, she makes the rash decision to walkie-talkie Henry and ask if he wants to escape Regina. The boy says “More than anything” and she peels off, ready to run from all the madness of this town and to deny her destiny. On some level, I wonder if she does believe, but is too afraid to fail.

This complexity has eluded Emma in the past because we thought she had no backbone. Turns out she has the capacity to be the hero they’ve been waiting for (but didn’t know it) and she’s just too insecure and dependent on reason for her survival. This direction for Emma and the series is excellent. I’m not sure how long it can sustain itself, however knowing the once inevitable return to glory may be thwarted not by evil but by good standing by is a refreshing take on what I was beginning to suspect was a stale, but fun series. Now it has the legs to become something thrilling, yet layered with sophistication to contemplate. Can happiness be found in Storybrooke if the savior never comes to take them to FTL/Heaven?

I even appreciated the sidebar this week as Regina is killed with kindness. When she comes to school to sour Mary Margaret’s return, her wickedness is rejected by Mary Margaret’s forgiveness. Ginnifer Goodwin delivers these chilly lines like only she could, sweetly yet viciously: “Your life must be so incredibly sad that you only experience joy from ruining others’ happiness.” Damn Mary Margaert, that’s way too cold. You can tell that the words follow Regina, hitting hard enough that she seeks the affection of Mary Margaret’s former lover, David.

Her engine won’t start so David offers her a lift and she insists he stay for dinner. After David devours his lasagna he delivers his second groaner line in two weeks, “You really know how to work some magic.” That much cheese is just unhealthy. Regina then recounts the day she found David. I noticed the parallels between how both August and Regina failed to make strong connections with “how I found you” stories. I’m not sure they relate, but maybe it has to with the fact that both Emma and David need to find themselves, their true idenities, and on some level they reject others thinking they know them? Well, Regina misreads David’s graciousness as a green light and he denies her advance when she leans in for a kiss. My impression is it wasn’t just a way to get back at Mary Margaret and that she is devastatingly lonely. When she throws the wine glass at the mirror it’s a tip off. It must remind her that the one person who adored her (her “mirror” Sidney Glass) is behind bars, and nobody else out there loves her. She needs David, even if it’s just his pity, but she may have squandered that by asking for too much.

“The Stranger” ends on a hopeful note when my thesis that the series may take the route of “finding happiness without happily ever after” gets an affirmation. August stumbles upon his dad’s clock shop and lends him some pointers. Geppetto says August’s father must be proud and August wonders if that’s true with all the mistakes he’s made along the way. Geppetto delivers the icing on the cake, “You realize your mistake and try to fix it. If I had a son that would be enough for me.” Brimming with pride and overwhelmed by his father’s indirect forgiveness, August volunteers to be Marco’s (Geppetto’s alter ego) assistant. He accepts and its such a moving moment. August has for all intents and purposes failed his father, but the man accepts him without knowing him, unconditionally. That’s not fake or manufactured, that’s real, and a byproduct of a wonderful fairyback that didn’t need to justify itself with forced parallels. It belonged by being what this show is at its core, a romanticizing of human relationships and the magic comes from them.

It was imperfect, but it accomplished everything you would hope an episode of OUAT would. It was innocent, fun, mesmerizing, inspiring, while still making us fearful that good may not win this time. Henry has faith, Emma has reason not to, and in the final two episodes OUAT asks us, what about you?

Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) prepares for battle as all of Westeros feels the effects of a sudden murder.

Yeah, that JUST HAPPENED. You thought the way last week ended was a tad unsettling, get a load of how this one kicks off. In a scene that now seems hugely symbolic, Renly Baratheon (literally) takes off his armor as he relays his plan to vanquish his brother Stannis’ army at dawn. And then…he chokes on his words.

Shadow baby becomes a shadow man with it’s (?) first kill, swooping into Renly’s tent and stabbing him in the back in front of his personal guard Brienne and Lady Catelyn Stark. It’s such a shock to the system, you almost don’t believe it. To start an episode with such a world-altering event is a double-edged sword though. Looking back, I wonder if it was similar to including a comedy film’s best punchlines in the trailer. Did they give away the farm?  It sets an assertive tone though, and it establishes the rule of the realm that Arya later declares to Tywin Lannister—anyone can be killed.

The initial adrenaline rush lingers, giving the episode a cluttered feel. It’s quickened too by its attempts to drop in on every location to see how swift Westeros has swerved in another direction after the cataclysmic assassination. The lasting impact of “The Ghost of Harrenhal” hinges so tightly to the ripples of Renly’s murder that it’s hard to hold onto, let alone remember, anything else meaningful that happens afterward. But as your servile TV critic I’ll do my best.

The Aftermath at Renly’s Camp

As one might imagine, the sudden slaying of your commander (and the man you believe has the most legitimate claim to the throne) might shake things up a bit. Immediately after, Brienne is the number one suspect, having been the only sword-weilding person—why they wouldn’t account for shadow people is ridiculous— in his vicinity. Her inclination is not to leave the body of her king. Her horrifying screams seemed slightly overblown, but then later when she swears an oath of fealty to Catelyn, it becomes clear she her lot in life is to serve. She seems lost when the lord she revers leaves this earth, like a part of her has been defeated as well. Thankfully, she finds a womanly courage within Catelyn, and Lady Stark is always willing to take in honorable lost souls.

Less obviously devastated, but still grieving are his lover, Loras Tyrell and his wife, Margery Tyrell. Loras wants to stay and avenge his brother in battle, but as Littlefinger rationalizes, he’ll be dead before he can get close to Stannis. His army’s disorganized and unprepared, awaiting their fate. Most of them end up converting into Stannis believers, so while it comes off cowardly, Loras is being smart in fleeing. My love affair with Margery continues when she confides in Littlefinger that she does not want to be a queen, she wants to be THE queen. It would seem Melisandre has that title wrapped with Stannis, so who does she cozy up to next? I love how manipulative she is, and how unafraid she is to show it. She’s a career-minded woman, and she will get what she wants. She barely mourns, because Renly was an arrangement of convenience, not an unbreakable bond. I expect she isn’t going to be fleeing for long.

King’s Landing

With Stannis’ army about to add 100,000 strong, Tyrion is nervous about what strategy Joffrey has to oppose those astronomical numbers. His new spy, Lancel, has overheard Cersei discuss “Wildfire” a chemical weapon of sorts that burns more fiercely than your run-of-the-mill fire. When Tyrion drops by the alchemist guild that is assembling this secret weapon, he learns they’ve been amassing jars of the stuff for months—the count in the thousands when he arrives.

Bronn, Tyrion’s brutish right hand, is skeptical: “Men win wars, not magic tricks.” And this seems to be an antiquated, or at least incorrect view. Magic eliminated Renly’s threat, and far-off Daenerys threatens with her baby fire-breathers, therefore magic and fire seem like the trend in warfare. Tyrion recognizes the possible destruction that would result from such a volatile weapon being in Joffrey’s hands, and commands the alchemist report to him now. Not sure how he could so easily sway the man, but I suppose the Hand trumps Queen regent.

To balance out the heavy, we’re treated to Tyrion and Bronn, buddy cop duo as they survey the townsfolk who seem eager for an uprising. They mock their boy king and his sociopathic tendencies, and Tyrion agrees: “The king is a lost cause, I’m worried about the rest of us.” Although he is discouraged to know that the commoners view him as the puppet master pulling his strings. They refer to him unaffectionately as a “demon monkey” and he seems determined hereafter to prove he deserves their admiration.

Stannis’ army

High off his recent acquisition of soldiers, Stannis is ready to take on King’s Landing. Ser Davos seems reticent only because of how easily his king deployed dark magic to reach his ends. To him, these means seem more threatening than helpful. Stannis calms his advisor by handing him the keys to his naval fleet, despite his beginnings as a smuggler. He also assures him that Melisandre will not accompany them on this invasion, but I doubt this means she’ll be uninvolved during the entirety of his conquest, let alone his possible reign.

Pyke

Not much to report except that Theon sets sail for his mission to seize a fisherman’s village viking-style. His crew is a bunch of rapists and looters frankly, and don’t seem likely to take orders (especially from a boy who was only recently baptized). His first mate is more cordial, and even offers him advice in how he can prove himself: take down a more valuable target. The first mate (whose name I looked across the Seven Kingdoms for and couldn’t find) suggests Torrhen’s Square, a castle not far from Winterfell. The idea is that Bran will deflect his forces there and be unequipped to handle the brunt of the Iron Island attack when they come knocking on his door.

Winterfell

Let’s just say Bran sees this coming, but nobody believes him. Bran Stark tells his wildling servant, Osha, about a vivid dream where the sea comes to Winterfell. This is immediately dismissed since Winterfell is 100 miles from water. Osha also deflects questions about the three-eyed raven that continuously appears in his prophetic dreams, not wanting to answer what it might mean. That can’t be a good sign. And with all this witchcraft going on, I can’t help but buy into Bran as dream psychic. Bran proves his leadership when he commits 200 troops, along with his Master-At-Arms Rodrik Cassel, to investigate the sacking of Torrhen’s Square, but could that be playing into The Iron Islanders hands?

Beyond the Wall

Probably the plot that suffered the most severe cutbacks was this one. Besides a charming discussion of what the “first men” who journeyed this harsh climate must have felt, the only notable change is their spotting of Mance Rayder’s men (Rayder is a former Night’s Watchman who decided he would crown himself King of the Wildlings or something). Jon Snow insists he be one of the rangers to accompany Halfhand on his raid. Sam take over as Commander Jeor Mormont’s steward, and that about wraps it up. As much as I loved Jon Snow in season one, I’m hoping we get to see some heroics pretty soon. Otherwise, our adventure in the way North has only produced an incestuous host named Craster, a baby boy sacrifice and a white walker sighting.

Qarth

Daenerys plays with her dragons (not a euphemism) within the gorgeous walls of Qarth. She’s suspicious of Xaro Xhoan Daxos (I looked it up!) who buys her a dress. As she guessed, he’s interested in marrying her, but not for the reasons you might expect—she’s sexy as hell, and her “firepower” kinda turns me on. His ambition is to turn his riches into political clout. He’s got a well-secured safe full of gold that would buy her the most formidable army in Westeros and would ensure she reclaims the Iron Throne for House Targaryen. He also passes along the valuable nugget of information that Robert Baratheon is dead. It had totally slipped my mind that she wasn’t aware of this. I think because her plans to conquer fit in so perfectly with the turmoil Westeros plunged into the minute he passed, I forgotten she was out of the loop.

She insists to her advisor, Jorah Mormont, that this is the perfect time to strike. Jorah, however, seems hesitant to see her wed. I always knew he loved her, but didn’t know when it would start to complicate their relationship or their ambitions. He professes his love to her subliminally when he says she would be loved as well as feared as Queen: “There are times when I look at you, and still can’t believe you’re real.” This certainly gives Daenerys the heebie-jeebies, but I’m unsure if she will take stock of his advice to “make her own way.” If I’m her, I marry the rich black man (The first one to get a major part! In a show with dynamite females, it’s nice to see that equal employment opportunity extend to race as well). He’s got the dough to get you the might you need to match your growing dragon threat. I say use him and abuse him, then cut him loose if he doesn’t satisfy you once your sitting on the Iron Throne. By the way, how adorable are those baby dragons? Mommy, can I have one?!

Harrenhal

What leapt this episode to above average status for me though was my required dose of Arya. Her awesomeness knows no bounds. When cornered by her new employer, Tywin Lannister, she tries to lie and pass for a Southerner, but her lack of knowledge reveals her to be a Northerner. And yet she stands her ground, bending the truth again by not giving her true origin and naming a Northern house she knows as well as her own. She then perpetuates an imposing myth about her brother that he rides into battle on the back of a giant direwolf, and that he can’t be killed. She qualifies it though with her motto for the episode. Say it with me—anyone can be killed.

Her other development involves the repaying of a debt. During the invasion of the City Watch, Arya had handed an axe to the caged prisoners, one of whom was Jaqen H’ghar. Since she saved his life with that gesture, Jaqen promises to return the favor by killing three people of her choice. Guess that means she’ll have three less to recite as she falls asleep! Later, he keeps his word and strikes down her first request with his bow and arrow: the man who tortured them a.k.a The Tickler. Does Arya have a master assassin in her pocket? Oh, “Game of Thrones,” I can’t stay mad.

“The Ghost of Harrenhal” might have been biting off more than they could chew with this installment, but you can’t say there isn’t any intrigue. Two fleets are about to descend upon their target—Stannis on King’s Landing, and Balon Greyjoy on Winterfell—, Arya’s got Tywin Lannister’s ear and an assassin on her team and let’s not forget the all-important glue (magic and fire), that kept this episode together. At a glance this week, GoT was disheveled, but thankfully it was bound together by duct tape. Adhered by the idea that the victors may have to cheat to win, magic and fire looms over the future of every house. It was an hour that broke the rules, but like a lovable rebel, we’re still gunning for them.

Many of the fan favorites have ethically dubious strategies, but the show has made it apparent that righteousness will get you killed. Without knowing it, we’ve all agreed to a moral relativism. All that separates good and evil is intent. Tyrion wants the respect of his subjects, but he’s willing to resort to chemical warfare. Daenerys seems destined to rule, but she wants to buy her way in. And Arya, for now, has given permission for an assassin to carry out her dirty work. But somehow, we all want them to succeed. That’s a credit to the writers who have masterfully drawn a huge cast without sacrificing any humanity. Each player’s motivations are spelled out within minutes of introduction so that we can assign our impressions, but their evolution isn’t done until they’re knocked off. Although the haunting beginning made maintaining tension almost insurmountable, by the end I realized I wasn’t any less invested. For showing the nuances of conquering on screen while seizing my imagination, GoT remains formidable and battle-ready.

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

NEW YORK – For most people I know, 8:30 on a Tuesday morning is either time to go to class or time for nothing at all; why wake up before noon if you don’t have to?

For me, however, once every six months, it means something totally different. It means I’ve made the journey to South Station and am about to catch a Greyhound to one of my favorite places in the world: New York City.

And, despite what my past behavior would seem to predict, this isn’t for a concert or a music festival or anything of the sort. No, this is my biannual trek to the sacred ground of 513 E. 54^th Street – “The Colbert Report.”

First in "line"

On this particular occasion in late April, I couldn’t have asked for better weather to stand, iced coffee in hand and with two of my friends in tow, on the streets of Manhattan for a few hours. The instructions on the ticket confirmation e-mail instructed us to show up no later than 6 p.m., so my friends and I naturally showed up to “get in line” around 2:30. To our surprise (yes, surprise – the anxiety of losing a good spot in line is not exclusive to concert-going life), we were first. Even security seemed taken aback seeing us there, asking us outright if we were actually there, so early, to get in line for the taping.

The hours passed easily until we proudly received our blue, laminated tickets that designated the order in which we would at long last enter the studio: 1, 2, and 3.

Of course, if my previous experiences in the concert world have taught me anything, it’s that a place in line is never guaranteed – and that even if it was, that place doesn’t guarantee much within itself.

Does this mean we're tourists?

Let me explain. After you’ve lined up for a while (in our case three and a half hours, but probably less for most) the Report’s interns lead you into a holding room that might also function as an elaborate shrine to Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA. A poster from 2010’s “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear” and various incarnations of the iconic portrait that hangs over the studio’s “fireplace” adorn the walls, as well as a not-quite-life-size sticker of the man himself, posed for a photo.

As more and more fans trickle in from the outside and go through the metal detector, a highlight reel that was probably compiled in 2007 (and not altered a bit since) plays on a television in the corner of the room. You can’t exactly call anything that Stephen does “outdated”, though, and soon the entire room is laughing at some of Stephen’s best “Better Know a District” interviews to date, the introduction of the word “truthiness”, and his light saber fight with George Lucas.

Throwback poster on the walls of the holding room (Credit Rory McDonald)

Time is just starting to drag after about an hour or so when the excited interns brief everyone on conduct policy, beg the audience to laugh and clap as loud as humanly possible (something I still don’t quite understand – why would anyone need to be told to laugh at this show?) and tell everyone to keep it clean during the pre-show Q&A: “If your question has anything to do with some below the belt, above the knees action, keep it to yourself,” they’ll tell you. Then, finally, they start to let everyone inside the studio itself.

…and that’s when it happens. Out of nowhere, people emerge with tickets completely different from your own, and those people are instructed to go in first. Granted, on this particular venture I learned that some of those lucky not-so-few are military families, which the Report makes a point of ushering to the front of the line. Even two hours into our wait, I couldn’t help but feel admiration, not bitterness, when this policy was quietly announced.

After the military families, though, comes VIPs. Red tickets in hand, they are led in, and the lowly mortals who have stood in line outside can wait still a few more minutes to find their seats.

On my first visit to the Report in October, I remember finding this particularly disenchanting. For years (about six, to be precise) I’d watched the show religiously and dreamt of the day that I, too, would stand in the front row and high-five Stephen as he ran by. I remember distinctly watching the show in middle school and hoping against hope that the show would not be canceled before I turned 18, lest I lose my chance forever.  In my mind, back then, all I had to do was show up early (of course) and I was home free.

This time I remarked to one of my friends how nice it was that at least we didn’t have the expectation of getting the front row anymore. This time we could go in without a shred of disappointment and hope that wherever they stuck the three of us (they always keep parties together, to their credit) was worth those few extra hours in line. We also had the advantage of knowing that there was no such thing as a bad seat at the Report – but, I mean, can you blame us for wanting to be as close to the desk, and the man himself, as possible?

Still, when we were led in and looked up into the stands, we couldn’t help but feel a little deflated. There were unquestionably many more VIPs at this show than at the one we’d been to before: the first several rows back, in each section, were already full. We’d just said as much to one another when the security guard who’d met us before and joked about our dedication “Usually only tourists show up this early!”-  said that we seemed just crazy enough to warrant a spot in the front row.

Before we knew what was happening, my friends and I found ourselves sitting in the only three free spots in the front row, the farthest to the left in the studio. All Stephen had to do was look to his right and there we were. It was unbelievable.

I’ll digress here to talk about the studio itself for a moment, because it really does deserve a mention. The first thing of notice when attending any taping, I’ve found, is that the studio seems a lot smaller than the show would indicate. The audience itself, the only part of the studio that you don’t readily see on screen for more than a few seconds, is relatively small, too (there’s a reason my friends and I show up early.)

The inside of the studio, for those who have somehow forgotten

Stephen may run from his desk to the interview table every week, for example, but he really only needs to take three steps at most. I myself, in the front row, could’ve taken as many steps and touched the infamous desk.

All of the decorations and nods to running gags on set are permanent fixtures, stacked on the shelves behind the desk. The lights and video screens embedded in the walls and on the desk are all actually in place, none of them that I could see inserted after the fact. It was in a lot of ways like stepping directly through the TV screen and finding yourself in the middle of any given episode. As a fan, in my mind, you can’t really ask for better than that.

From that point on, everything else seemed to go unbelievably smoothly. Some kind of playlist, containing everything from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to Placebo to U2, blasted through the speakers as the audience was let in, picking up throughout the taping whenever the cameras stopped rolling. The warm-up comic, brought out some 30 minutes before the show started, alternated between picking on audience members and himself, taking particular pleasure in tormenting a self-described “analyst” who was unquestionably the best-dressed man in the audience with his suit and tie. It was also his somewhat enviable duty to get us on our feet and bring out the man of the hour with a yell into his handheld microphone: “Stephen Colbert!”

As promised, my friends and I stuck out our hands as Stephen came bounding out from backstage, making the rounds of the front row to the sound of Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me”. Pausing in the center of the floor to our continuing applause, he laughed and caught his breath, smiling good-naturedly into the crowd. When he finally convinced everyone to quiet down, he broke the ice by revealing that today he had been completely unprepared for his introduction, bolting out in an instant when he heard the comic yell his name.

Still, he looked as ready and willing as ever, and started the Q&A portion that comes before every show: “Do you have any questions to humanize me in your eyes before I say these terrible things?”

I’ll admit something here: with each taping of my favorite shows that I’ve attended (two for The Daily Show and one Colbert before this occasion), I’ve always stood outside in line contemplating what brilliant, witty question I would ask either faux-pundit if given the chance. Unfortunately for yours truly, that resolve has each time evaporated once the man in question was standing mere feet in front of me, looking expectantly into the crowd. I’ll put it this way: I didn’t even try. This time, though, I knew I’d written it off for long enough, and up my hand went.

Stephen first called on a man a few rows back, who asked what was the most ridiculous or “questionably legal” thing that Stephen had done with his Super PAC funding (collected, as many of you may know, from donations from the faithful Colbert Nation). Stephen went on to recount for a few minutes the process of offering to solve the South Carolina Republicans’ financial woes by buying the naming rights to the Republican Primary there for $500,000, dubbing it the Stephen Colbert South Carolina Republican Primary.

Before all of us he began to lose himself in the tale, taking on the personages of the various characters by putting on a thick southern drawl or lazily scratching his stomach as necessary. In the end, he said, the financial struggles of the party concerned were alleviated by the government – but they didn’t write him off, either. “They didn’t need my money,” Stephen recalled, earning a disappointed groan from the audience, “…but they still wanted it!” he finished, with a mischievous grin. In the end, he said, he had all of the records of the exchange, enough to tantalize any self-respecting investigative journalist, but he wasn’t about to turn them over. He liked the guy, he said simply, with a shrug.

If anything, this seemed to answer the ever-looming, unasked question if Stephen Colbert can truly charm his way into getting anything he wants through the Report. The answer is clearly yes. Yes, he can. And he does.

Realizing this question segued perfectly into my own, my hand shot up in the air. To my surprise, Stephen pointed at me. “Yes, young lady?”, he said.

“You’ve clearly done so much crazy stuff with this show,” I said.  “Has anyone ever told you no?”

He opened his mouth for a moment, closed it again, and answered with a smile: “A lot of girls have.” And the Q&A rolled on.

Asked if he’d ever forgotten who he is, Stephen cut off the asker with an abrupt “No,” and a laugh. He had only gone home in character once, he said, after he had spent his ride home after a taping writing up notes and dialogue for the next show. He walked in the house and his wife recognized the shift immediately and told him to “get the fuck out of my house,” he recalled with a laugh. “She said ‘Why would I want to be married to this?’”

After a few more questions, the soundtrack was cranked all the way back up and Stephen was quickly prepped behind his desk. His makeup was touched up, his hair was combed back (Stephen jokingly stroked the stylist’s hair as she worked), and the cameras were rolled into place.

He grabbed a handful of his signature red WristStrong bracelets and stretched them back, shooting them into the crowd. Never one to miss out on a gag, though, after about five bracelets were sent out and the audiences’ hands remained outstretched he held up an impressive-looking dagger, poised to throw. He grinned, somewhat dangerously, before putting it away, pulling out his notes for the first segment.

The stage manager twirled a script in her hand, our signal to go nuts, and we obliged as the intro to the show started up on screens around the studio and the theme played through the building.

This episode saw the return of a long-lost segment, “Thought for Food”, as in-character-Stephen bemoaned the presence of ground-up insects in Starbucks’ Strawberry and Crème Frappuccino. He broke character a few times, collapsing in laughter onto his desk and saying “Just keep going, just keep going!”

The rest of the taping went off without a hitch, covering everything from Mitt Romney’s interview with Diane Sawyer to the much-maligned exorbitant government conference in Las Vegas that cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was a typical balance of skewering the political topics of the day and mocking some bizarre news story of the day – just what a fan would expect and look forward to.

Still, at every break, where commercials would normally be placed on the air, the soundtrack would come back up again and Stephen would, more often than not, start goofing off. He sang along (as did I) to the White Stripes’ “Fell in Love with a Girl” and danced in his chair to a Spanish rap song that I’d never heard in my life. Like someone out of a silent slapstick movie, he pretended to scold a production team member when they seemed to have run out of things to talk about, comically wagging his finger and narrowing his eyes. The security guard was pretty much the only person in the building who did not outwardly appear to be having a good time, and even then that was probably because he’s paid to look that way.

The interview portion, featuring author Jonah Lehrer, saw Stephen in his element: a give-and-take situation, feeding off of whatever someone else gives him and spitting something back.

Seeing this particular segment live, before editing, provides the advantage of watching him work. Every pause, later edited out for time, isn’t an awkward silence but rather a few seconds during which you can really watch the man think. In the silence, one gets the impression that if your hearing was just a bit better you could hear the gears in his head turning, the ideas forming, before he produces an insightful follow-up question or a perfectly witty retort. This was no exception, producing a number of quotable off-the-cuff lines that were later quoted back to me by friends or various social media sites. As per usual, four days a week.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end  – all too quickly, it seems. In almost no time at all Stephen was back behind his desk, gave a signature bellow of “That’s it for the Report – goodnight!” and it was all over.

Still, despite its apparent brevity, I couldn’t have asked for a better “Colbert Report” experience. Even the somewhat miserable ride back to Boston on the 12:15 a.m. Greyhound couldn’t dampen my spirits, and I see no reason not to keep my resolve to see a Report taping every six months for as long as the show exists. I can dream, right?

Those interested can watch this particular episode on Colbertnation.com here. 

Leslie (Amy Poehler) faces off against poll-leading Bobby Newport (Paul Rudd) in a debate.

I wouldn’t begrudge anyone who feels that season four of “Parks and Recreation” just isn’t as uproariously funny as it used to be. My counterargument would be, you’re right, it’s a hell of a lot funnier.

Though I’m no student of comedy—I’ve taken a sketch comedy class, but my forte is fiction—I know that a large percentage of what makes something funny is by how much it surprises you. That would be the “I’m Ron F**king Swanson” moments. In the early going, we weren’t as familiar with these characters, but we knew what made them stand out. Then when the writers fleshed out those quirks, developed backstories and provided them with dimension, we all fell in love with the Pawnee parks department. Now the game has changed. In season four, we no longer need those shocker quotes that make us cover our mouths because the laughs are leaping out of our chests. It’s precisely our familiarity with who these people are that makes us smile for the full 22 minutes.

Was there any doubt Leslie would knock this out of the park? Hell, was there any doubt she would underestimate the simplicity of her prospective constituents? Pawnee is infamous for being “fourth in obesity, first in friendship,” but they have to be among the the worst in critical thinking as well. They are suckers, sorry to say. But that also means they can be easily swayed when Leslie finishes with an impassioned speech that felt like a desperate football coach rallying his players at halftime. Pawnee had lost their way, and Leslie reigned them back in. They are sheep, but they’re her sheep. And while reason would say she could do much better than an city council seat in this town, she is just as irrational. And dammit, she wants it bad. As Amy Poehler (who wrote and directed this episode) so eloquently phrased it, she may “care too much” and “push too hard,”  but it’s only because she wants the best for her town. It angered her to see what she loves threatened, and Pawnee deserves better than to be beholden to a corporation when it’s individuals who give a damn like her, that make it great.

I could go on for days on that speech alone, not only in terms of its effect on the show but concerning its relevance to our current times. It’s one of those awe-inspiring moments you need to see for yourself to understand and appreciate. So for the love of all that’s holy, watch the dang episode if you haven’t already and I’ll guide you through what else made “The Debate,” and what makes this show, special.

Our cast is split, as has become the standard since the campaign began, into three factions. Chris, Ann and Tom comprise “the spin team” who handle all media inquiries during the debate. Chris’ enthusiasm for life makes him a superb addition to the team. He spun Ben’s hypothetical scenario that Leslie vomited and audibly farted on stage into “She’s literally overflowing with ideas. And speaking of methane have you heard her plan to reduce greenhouse gases?” Tom is less enthused to be working with Mr. Traeger since Ann and him are kaput after he gave her an inappropriate shoutout on The Douche’s radio show. As I predicted (that faint trumpet you hear is me tooting my own horn), Chris makes a move on Ann, but she seems to think he’s romanticizing what their three-month relationship was really like.

Tom sabotages his co-spinners with his negative answers and Ann pulls him aside. Obviously, he’s bitter about the breakup, but Ann’s right to call him an ass. Tom takes the advice April gave earlier and admits that it’s an act, and that he needs to “cut out the swagger” as April had put it. He speaks from his heart and shares that she makes him nervous because she’s so out of his league, but that he would do anything to get back together. By the end, Ann rejects both Chris and Tom, maybe only because she needs to stop dating for like, ever. She has had a lot of rotten luck.

The development that most excited me though was that they went back to the well of putting Tom and April’s heads together. Come to think of it, they both have fronts—Tom’s is flashy, April’s is disinterested—because caring isn’t cool. April comes clean, telling Tom that she cares about Andy, Champion, Leslie winning and sleeping, and I’d be psyched if they continue to feed off each other and grow as a result. Both are lovable when they choose to be, so it’d be great to see them open up, let people in, and expose their true selves. Reading that, it seems more sitcom-y then most “Parks” material, but when you have so many people who are easy to root for, why not give them a chance at victory.

April, Andy and Ron are in charge of the donors’ viewing soiree at April and Andy’s place. Trying to fit in, Andy makes phony claims about his “investments” and April does her hysterical rich person laugh. Ron gives a frank and deliberate introduction and Andy realizes he forgot to pay the cable bill, so watching the debate would prove rather difficult. While April tries to talk to the cable company (a nod to fellow NBC comedy, 30 Rock, their provider is CableTown), Andy reenacts scenes from his favorite movies: Roadhouse, Rambo and Babe. Of course. His rendition of Babe has his audience captivated and leaves Donna in tears. My favorite part is when Ron saves the day by stealing someone’s cable. Him strapping on his tool belt, climbing up the telephone poll and pressing himself up against it so he can hide from passing cop cars was a treat. It didn’t hurt that he sang a spirited few lyrics from “Wichita Lineman” either. Anytime Ron can show off his assorted handyman skills is preferable, in my opinion.

Leslie, however, and her fellow debaters dominate this episode. Paul Rudd does an extraordinary job of filling the role without overdoing it and drowning out small players like moderators Perd Hapley and Joan Calamezzo, and the ripped-from-the-headlines fringe candidates. Poehler’s SNL background was evident here as she indirectly parodied some of the more laughable Republican hopefuls that we’ve watched extensively over the past year. There’s Fester Trim (played by Friday Night Lights vet Brad Leland), a gun enthusiast and owner of Gunbelievable Gun Emporium who has a plan for assault rifle vending machines. Sure you do. There’s also Brandi Maxxxx, an adult film star who continually stains Leslie’s reputation during the debate by comparing herself to Leslie. Lastly, there’s Manrico Della Rossa, an animal rights activist who equates rubbing your hands on a leather jacket to murder. Poehler’s direction capitalized on the episode’s format with sharp cuts between random snippets from each candidate that out of its proper context sound ludicrous—such as Bobby struggling to pin down his favorite James Bond, “Daniel Craig! No, Timothy Dalton.”

Jennifer Barkley seems confident going in that Bobby is in a win-win scenario. Either he’s able to speak coherently and not cry and the pundits say he did surprisingly well (probably a reference to the low expectations of Sarah Palin in the VP debates of 2008). There’s also the possibility he crashes and burns and he earns the public’s sympathy. She isn’t far off when Leslie opens by saying Bobby wants to “buy your vote” and the audience turns on her when he says the soundbite,” hurt his feelings.” He follows up saying, “I want do a good job because I like it when people think I do a good job.” This gets a raucous reaction from the crowd and Ben is dumbfounded. Barkley alludes to a “surprisey wisey” and Bobby undoubtedly does deal a big blow. He claims that because Leslie has an anti-business agenda, Sweetums, Pawnee’s premier provider of candy and jobs, might move to Mexico.

Ben, as her advisor, suggests she cut her losses and not risk hurting her image anymore by attacking him. But Leslie has that look in her eye, that burning desire to seize what she wants and bulldoze over anyone that stands in her path. So as her boyfriend, Ben assures Leslie that she can crush him. And wow, did she crush him. Like his little juice box. Even Bobby can only exclaim, “Holy f**k, Leslie, that was awesome.” The most salient point he’d made all night.

Afterwards, during the celebration, Bobby runs over to Leslie yelling “We did it!” and he invites her to his dad’s lake house for an after party. When Ann, Ben and Leslie all look back at the camera in disbelief it’s an amazing comedic move that also works as an indicator of how, as always, the show reflects the audience’s investment. We feel what these people feel and vice versa. It’s a rare feat in any T.V show, but even rarer for a comedy, to achieve this level of intimacy. Sweetness may have been the strength of “The Debate,” instead of astonishing us with its onslaught of killer lines—though there was plenty of material for me to weed through for L.O.L.Ls— but it was triumphant, soulful and spectacular. It may not have been what you were expecting, but it’s just what the doctor ordered. Some of my favorite lines were more adorable than amusing. When Tom told Ann, “Vote for me, to be your boyfriend” it was too frickin’ cute. And when LesBen repeated “I love you and I like you” to each other I couldn’t suppress my “Awwwws.”

Amy Poehler’s script took an impossibly pivotal moment and surpassed any expectations with a genuinely moving and touching take on politics, and proved yet again how loyal and dutiful the “Parks and Recreation” team is to the Pawnee parks team. I am unashamed to say that even if it wasn’t the funniest, I’ve felt more during and for this season than I’d imagined I could. So while no particular scene surprised the hell out of me and made me fall out of my seat laughing, what did sneak up on me was how much that didn’t matter.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Ben: “You can debate Newport in your sleep.” Leslie: “I have.” Ben: “I know. We sleep in the same bed, it’s been hell.”

- Ben: “You are going to rip his spine out with your teeth, chew it up and gargle with it.” Leslie: “I love it when you’re needlessly disgusting.”

- “I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy’s on the way home. Ha, the economy.”

- “Hello, you are here because you gave us money. Now, we will give you ribs. Also, you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you will give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.”

- Brandi Maxxxx, the adult film star: “And just like Leslie, I know what it’s like to be in a room full of men.”

- “Little Bobby, I’m not gonna clean your room no mas.”

- “And we all know the better looking a park is, the more attention it gets from lady parks that want to have sex with it.”

- “I’m an American, my father is an American, my mother is an American. My godfather is the viceroy of the principality of Lichtenstein.”

- “I was in favor of closing the Borders bookstore, not the border in Mexico.”

- “I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let’s just all have a good time.”

- Jennifer Barkley: “Quick question. Does that Chris Traeger guy have a girlfriend, and is his penis normal?” Ben: “Stop talking.”

- “How do we fix this town? I have no idea. You tell me. That’s what I’m counting on, you telling me.”

Cece (Hannah Simone) rushes to the hospital where Schmidt (Max Greenfield) is recuperating from a penis-related injury.

Comedy is an art, not a science. Because of that, there is no formula that can produce the maximum amount of laughter. Mistakes can often be as fruitful for comedy writers as when they stick to the agreed-upon conventions of their craft. “Tomatoes” (wait for the pun) is that unexpected fruit.

It shouldn’t work for many reasons. You could cite the stereotypical Russian/foreigner jokes that Nadia was the vessel for, you could point to the inherent laziness of penis jokes. You might even scrutinize the way Dermot Mulroney’s arc was dispatched so coldly, causing Jess to come off fickle or at least shallow. And while all these glaring flaws on are flamboyant display, there’s a lot to love about this episode. Maybe I’m infatuated with these characters to the degree that they can do no wrong. Perhaps I should not giggle at genitalia as I did, but even if “Tomatoes” doesn’t have the slam dunk effect of “Normal” where its indisputable how inventive and rewarding it is, underneath some of the distracting and even jarring aspects of the episode, there’s a vibrant heart. Some scenes are daring in their leap from the ridiculous to the raw.

That may sound like digging for substance when there’s just airy, wispy fun, but when Nick and Jess started shaking their butts at one another in frustration—after she sees his ex, Caroline, leave his room wearing his shirt—there was the overwhelming feeling that they are the fire under those asses they desperately need. Jess realizes that Russell is in a phase of his life where tranquility and contentment is preferable to wanting to rip someone’s clothes and face off at the same time. Jess is young enough, however, where she wants to share that thermometer-busting heat with someone, even if “it’s harder and it hurts more.” And Nick, has chosen not to feel anything regarding women because of the pain they’ve continued to cause him, but Jess drives him up a wall and he isn’t running away. He keeps going back to her.

So while out of context, one would undoubtedly view their ass shake-off as an immature and even lazy attempt at laughter, to me it has a layer of sophistication and meaning for these people that is imperceptible to an untrained eye. But if you have, willing or otherwise, become invested in the loft mates, you know this is not just a senseless spat. It’s set up to show how compatible Nick and Jess as a couple. They fill the holes their previous romantic relationships have failed to. If nothing else, this week’s episode warmed me up to the idea of a Nick and Jess hook-up when before it felt gimmicky and forced.

These awakenings of sorts begin on the rooftop where Nick has taken up the hobby of planting tomatoes. Somehow he feels this will begin a healing process. He’ll channel his heartbreak and despair into bringing new life into the world. Yeah, it’s freaking sad. Jess can’t help herself from using plant metaphors (he’s turning over a new leaf!), and Winston feels he’s just devolving. It’s easy for him to say though, since he appears blissfully in love with Shelby who only appears in this scene to shove her tongue down Winston’s throat. Otherwise, he spends most of the time without her, bragging about how happy he is. This underscores how much of a rouse his relationship might be. While he mentions their lovemaking and giddily shares pictures of her cat with Nick, it’s feels like he’s over-compensating. I’m not convinced these feelings reflect real sparks between him and Shelby. Since it started as the rekindling of a flame, I wouldn’t be shocked if on both sides there’s a fixation on how wonderful it feels to be in love, when in reality they’re nowhere near that level yet.

Jess runs into Russell’s ex-wife, Ouli (let’s pretend that’s the correct spelling) at the gym and accidentally invites her to dinner with her and Russell to break up their awkward naked hugging in the sauna. Dinner goes horribly as expected, but the added wrinkle is that Jess detects a sexual tension between them when their fighting begins to escalate. Whether she’s jealous or this just tips her off to the lack of passion in her relationship with Russell is unclear, but either way she seems determined to throw some wood on their fire.

When Schmidt comes over Cece’s to “make sex” as her Russian model roommate Nadia says, Cece puts up a barrier and recommends they cool off since the pregnancy scare made things a little too intense. She even hastens the moving-on by setting up Schmidt for a date with Nadia. Now Nadia is bound to be a point of contention for some. Most of her jokes surround her heavy accent, her distorted concept of American culture and the brutish, sexually aggressive behavior we associate with Russian women. And while this is stereotypical, and therefore not commendable in terms of characterization it produces some incredible lines. I also got the feel that because she embodied such a surreal and frankly insulting view of immigrants that the writers were aware that she was basically a parody of a person with the function of serving as a vehicle for chaos that would eventually bring Schmece (Schmidt and Cece) back together. As long as you go for broke with that satirical aim, I’m okay with it.

Nick continues to throw himself into this tomato thing, even buying a scarecrow to keep away the “sky rats.” He also develops a bitter attitude toward Winston who is kind of a dick and throws his happiness in his face. It was worth it though to see Nick scowl at Winston, pitchfork in hand and yell “Git!” There’s also one of the few tender moments I pointed out where Nick breaks his gardener facade and yells back, “Sandwiches and sex? I want that.” It’s funny, but from an emotional standpoint it’s the first time Nick acknowledges what he’s suppressing.

Yeah, he’s called himself pathetic before and had public outbursts related to his breakups, but these have all been exaggerations and hyperbole for our benefit. He just seemed like a schlub who felt sorry for himself because of his numerous failures. But it not the lack of success, it’s what he’s lost. Nick wants a companion, someone who gets him, someone he can share mundane things with, like sandwiches. In a way, it gives more weight to the later shouting match with Jess since he could have that if he’s willing to take a huge risk. And because of that simple, silly line we know what is on the line.

While that’s happening, Jess tries to manufacture a fight by asking what drives him crazy about her and proceeding to do all those things. This was another instance where Zooey Deschanel’s surprising slapstick skills is showcased. I’m glad they’re tapping into that since she isn’t as gifted a line reader as the Jake Johnsons and Max Greenfields of the world. When Russell stops her angry advances he says that passion is overrated and its clear this is the beginning of the end. While I think it falls in line with his backstory to say that he doesn’t want that kind of roller coaster relationship he went through with his ex, I didn’t feel it was the proper sendoff. His line about him and Ouli being like inching closer to a woodchopper was a nice sentiment, but he didn’t protest much at all, and Jess just got out the car like it was a bad first date. I suppose there’s no easy way to release a guest star back into the wild, and it’s not that I don’t buy Jess’ or Russell’s motivations, I just felt like the guy deserved to go down guns blazing. He did so much for Nick’s character by adding to his comedic arsenal with the man-crush angle, but c’est la vie.

When Cece asks Nadia about her date she says it was brief because “small man went to hospital.” The concern on Cece’s face was sweet as she rushed over, Nadia laughing about how much Schmidt cried (I’ll admit I would have liked to see that). She arrives and sees Schmidt with an ice pack in his crotch. Again, penis jokes are certainly juvenile, BUT when Schmidt delivers his line, “I broke my penis,” like he accidentally dropped something fragile of mommy’s, I died. His recounting of how it happened is L.O.L.L worthy to be sure, but the penis jokes even had significance. Afterward, Cece spits it out, incensed that another woman had him, and tells Schmidt she likes him—”For my personality?” “Yeah I was surprised too.” This moment felt awfully cathartic and well earned, and was masterfully undercut (that’s how Schmidt rolls) when his arousal during their emphatic kiss gives him excruciating pain. This motif is extended into the credits where Winston lists a bunch of things he knows get Schmidt’s juices flowing (models eating sliders, Bernadette Peters on a high beam). Sick bastard. And it’s yet another reminder of why we like to hangout with them every week. We love being privy to their inside jokes, and not having to suffer the consequences. Like say, a broken penis. *Shudder*

Overall, “Tomatoes” struck me as a mask, a veil over the eyes that would quickly become lifted, but in a blink would be covered up by more raunchy jokes and hip references. I’d agree if “Tomatoes” was simply an assemblage of punchlines about dinged-up dongs, ruthless Russians and savvy nods to pop-culture this would be among the show’s weakest, but because it’s a see-saw between its identities—a romp with some outlandish roommates and an insightful, comedic lens on a group of twentysomethings helping each other figure out who they are —it maintains its heightened sense of self. Still, it does slip into sporadic plotting that would strike some as veering off onto a detour before we hit the main stretch of road, the final two episodes of the first season. Like the tomatoes were for Nick, “Tomatoes” was a distraction, sure, but when you lose something it usually turns up when you stop looking for it. And what turned up for me was another worthwhile week of experiment that yielded hysterics and feeling. “New Girl” recognized that the best way to explore deep insecurities is with some distance, a fresh outlook, and a sense of humor.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Nick: “Jess, you’re dating a man I could see myself growing old with.”

- Things Nadia likes about America: salad bar, Despicable Me, Tosh 2.0, Connect Four, freedom of speech, David Fincher, sidewalk, 1-800-SLIM, strawberry, Your mama jokes, ‘Wilma Valderamo,’ Leon Panetta, ice skating for fun, not to save life

- Nadia comparing Schmidt to who he later deduces is Mickey Mouse, “Why don’t you get in your spaceship like McMouse!”

- “You’re gonna sex me in my face?”

- Ouli: “You know what it’s like with Russell. It’s like you’re on the bow of a catamaran being blasted with spray except you’re naked, and on fire.”  Jess” “Yeah, I mean I’m like, Russell, put away the passion and show me a moderately good time.”

- “What is this, Martin Scorsese’s ‘The Wizard of Oz?’”

- “There was this moment where there was just blinding pain, and then there was this moment where I was watching myself watch myself. I think I finally understand what ‘The Tree of Life’ is about. And I can’t be certain of this, but I’m almost positive Nadia’s vagina contains as right angle.”

- “My penis is having a heart attack. You gotta get outta here. Don’t bend over!”

- “Describe it to them as like, a battered highway cone.”

- Jess: “Stop making that face! I hate that face!” Nick: “This is my only face! I don’t have a lot of faces!”

August's (Eion Bailey) identity is shrouded in fog as he searches for some magic in Storybrooke.

Three weeks ago now, “The Stable Boy” billed itself as the big reveal. It was going to answer the supposedly essential question of why the hell the Evil Queen hated Snow White so damn much. I thought the episode had its redeeming qualities—the girl who played Young Snow White, Bailee Madison, was a dead wringer for a younger Ginnifer Goodwin for one—but I was unsatisfied with the answer, which was just a variation of the usual conflict in Fairy Tale Land: lost love.

However, after seeing tonight’s episode I appreciate the brunt approach of that episode even more. Though creatively the backstory was stale, at least that question isn’t being dangled before me anymore. “The Return” is the perfect name for this episode because it took all the momentum back to where we started. In the real world, more questions heaped on the existing ones and virtually everything returned to the status quo. Thought the appearance of not-dead Kathryn would mean Emma’s one step closer to exposing Regina? Nope. Lovesick puppy Sidney Glass fabricates a confession that absolves Regina of any suspicion. Thought you might find out who exactly August is? Well, for a while that looked like a sure thing, then the rug was pulled out from under us. Oh, and were you wondering what would motivate Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin to play for both teams (No, not like he’s bisexual. Like he’s helped both Emma and Regina sabotage one another)? That just gets all fogged up. And remember when Emma promised she was finally gonna start playing dirty to take down Regina? Well, she does that again. Except this time she explicitly mentions that she’ll take back her son. All right! Some finite goals, that’s progress, right?

Truthfully, it’s starting to feel like this whole season has been one long pre-game warmup for this last stretch of episodes. Most fairybacks have involved characters with little-to-no importance concerning the big picture: Red Riding Hood, Belle (will she ever be released from the basement of the hospital?), Cinderella, Mad Hatter, Grumpy and the list goes on and on. While some of these offbeat episodes have been engaging, the fairybacks I have been most drawn to are the ones that have impacted the main players. If it hasn’t revolved around Rumpelstiltskin, Snow White, Charming or Regina, it’s difficult to get invested because I hardly know them in another context. And ironically, because so much airtime has been occupied by ancillary characters, I feel like I don’t know as much about the stars as I should.

And if Kitsis/Horowitz should have learned one lesson from their time on LOST, it’s that the saving grace of a show with an intricate mythology, one that will create more questions each week than it resolves, is compelling characters. While I still get a kick out of the sardonic delivery of Jennifer Morrison, Emma is a nobody. She has trust issues, she’s good at detective work, and she’s grown to love her son, Henry. Did I miss anything? And while Mary Margaret and David may be the most multi-dimensional characters, they’re thrown into the same situations. Mary Margaret wants him in her life, then David messes up his chance. A repetitive ride could be thrilling, but there’s no sense of danger since we already know how this on-again/off-again relationship ends. Happily ever after does not get my heart racing.

While I feel harsh for beating up on OUAT like this, I wouldn’t be so hypersensitive if I didn’t think the ingredients for a heckuva show were here, especially when I don’t believe OUAT’s ambitions are similar to that of LOST. I could be wrong, but LOST was inherently a more avant-garde show. It employed religious allegories, time travel, and electromagnetism in an effort to create a dense universe that would say something about the very meaning of our insignificant lives. To me, OUAT is a recycling of old material, inherently less adventurous. But its source material is rich enough that you could create something entertaining and even enlightening if you wanted. But fun seems to be the target for his show. And I don’t want or need it to be more than that. Still, I feel like I’m being asked to forgive A LOT before I can just sit back and enjoy.

Now that the 700-word, I mean pound, gorilla is off my back, I’ll admit to being impressed with some of what transpired tonight even if upon reflection it felt empty. While watching I did a few double takes, and possibly even puddled a bit for Rumpelstiltskin. We began with August’s leg twitching something fierce, the pain seeming unrelenting. He joins his buddy Henry to get Operation: Cobra rolling. Although, August is slightly dishonest in that he uses Henry to tend to a personal matter. With Henry diverting Gold’s attention in the store, August scours the office. Gold finds him eventually and pretends to have gotten lost. Suspicious, Gold breaks into August’s room at the B+B and finds a drawing of the infamous dagger that had given him his dark powers as Rumpelstiltskin.

In the FTL, those dark powers are alarming Rumpy’s son Baelfire. While he used his influence to bring the Ogre Wars to a truce, he also become ruthless in protecting his son, turning one passerby into a snail just to crush him. Understandably, Baelfire wants to find a way to reverse this enchantment that has turned his dad into a malevolent force. Rumpy’s sure that the magic is irreversible. Only if he’s killed by the dagger will the power be transferred to another soul. Determined, “Bae” makes his dad promise that if he finds another way, he’ll oblige. Immediately, it was clear to me that this was the “one deal” he tells Regina about earlier in the episode, the only deal he’s ever broken.

Now weary of this stranger that Emma describes hilariously as “A typewriter wrapped in an enigma wrapped in stubble” (there were many moments actually where I thought the writers might have been mocking themselves or at least their stiffly rendered characters), Gold tails him. He follows him to Mother Superior. After threatening to double the rent on the nuns—I keep forgetting he’s like the Trump of Storybrooke—she tells him that August sought counsel. He’s come to town searching for his father, and may have found him. Emma, in an almost insultingly observed B-plot, confronts Sidney Glass about the bug he installed in her office. When she realizes that he’s loyal to her because he’s in love with her, she shrugs it off, “Fine. Whatever.” Emma really was the comic relief for my frustration with this hamster wheel of an episode.

Baelfire racks his brain for a cure and consults his friend, Morraine. She suggests a great force of good magic, The Blue Fairy. The boy summons the fairy and she says she cannot return his father to who he was, but she can send them to a place where dark magic has no power. She produces a magic bean that she says he and his papa must follow if Rumpy’s to be restored to his old self. This sets us up for a devastating scene, possibly the best of the episode, where Baelfire plants the bean and a green vortex appears. Baelfire begs for his father to join him, but his cowardice gets the best of him. He had originally sought this power so he could protect his son, but now he’s so consumed with maintaining that power, he’s lost sight of what matters. He lets go of his son’s hand and Baelfire’s sucked in, and the portal closes. His cries afterward where he regrets not joining his son really were gut-wreching and possibly the most genuine emotion shown by someone not named Ginnier Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison or Josh Dallas throughout the course of the show. Good on ya, Robert Carlyle.

After an appointment with Dr. Hopper (oh yeah, him), Gold gets up the nerve to confront the man he believes is his son. And I’ll admit, Eion Bailey had me fooled too. When he said, “I guess all the lying can stop…Papa” I thought it was a done deal. But to Bailey’s credit he played spurned little boy as a grown man quite convincingly. And I thought, YES, this is what I waiting for. Real juice, real crossover of the fairyback and real world events. Then Rumpelstiltskin dug up the dagger and handed it to August to prove he has changed, and all the emotionally resonant material was killed by August turning the dagger back on his “dad.” Dammit is right. August isn’t Baelfire after all. That’s next week apparently. Why must you tease me with a huge development and then yank it away! The only real news of note is August is dying, and he needed the dagger’s magic to heal him. But as Gold points out, magic doesn’t exist here. That was the condition of the curse, which, obviously, was made by Rumpy himself so he could find his son. So while I’m glad Rumpy has a solid motivation, it doesn’t explain why he’d want to serve as a double agent. How does that help him reunite with his son? Enigma wrapped in enigma.

On the sidelines we had another Mary/David “It’s Over” moment. Oh can’t those crazy kids just kiss and make up! There’s also the classic case of using dialogue to convey overt thematic ties. When Mary talks about something out there keeping them apart and David replies, “Like dark forces?” I audibly groaned. I guess it was a nice change of pace to have David supply the groaner instead of the EQ. It was just so inauthentic, it was unforgivable. And yet, the exchange was almost redeemed by Mary’s chilling comeback to David’s “But I love you.” She twisted the proverbial dagger with “And that’s what makes it so sad.” See, that was honest and real, not tailored to relay exposition and reiterate a message. Why can’t we have more like that?!” says the oft-burned critic in the corner.

Although Giancarlo Esposito’s pathetic admission as Sidney was a deadpan mumble delight, I couldn’t help but think well, Emma’s gonna get angry that she’s been thwarted once again and promise to go Sarah Palin-rogue on her ass and it won’t happen. And yet, the finale approaches. SOMETHING must happen. And while I can appreciate how networks operate, and the need for monumental finales, couldn’t Emma have grown a tad more aware, shown some savvy or gone off the hinges just a smidge so that we wouldn’t come to expect disappointment from the anointed “savior?” I mean, I bet there were the haters who thought Jesus was just some hotshot carpenter, but I bet even he wouldn’t have put up with Regina’s B.S for this long. Sorry for the sacrilege, I just hope that regardless of how she changes the game, it feels like the tectonic plates have shifted. I’ll confess to at least loving how she categorized Regina as setting the board so no one could win, and promising she would play an entirely different game. Even if it feels like a campaign pledge, it was rhetorical candy. If only this episode could have been sweet till the last morsel. Instead, I felt manipulated like I was Pinocchio (who I presumed August would be as I mentioned in the comments last time to Mystic), and I don’t want no strings on me. Maybe The Blue Fairy will grant my wish…

King Joffrey aims his crossbow at his future queen, insisting she must pay for her brother Robb's treason.

One might have guessed that the tone of this week’s episode would be grave when the end of the last promised a “cursed castle,” but I was not prepared for that. Decisively brutal and haunting, many characters we’ve come to respect confronted the darkness that lies within those they’ve sworn to protect. And for others, narrowly escaping death and agony does not ease their suffering, vengeful spirits. Tyrion learns that King Joffrey isn’t just selfish and impetuous, but sadistic and cruel, and Ser Davos watches in horror as he realizes the extent of the sorcery his commander’s lady dabbles in. Arya is sent to a torture camp where she’s rescued by the unlikeliest of allies and Daenerys finally finds civilization, but resists their hospitality when they wish to see her fire-breathing babies.

As has become customary, with an increasing number of locations and competing forces at play, not all locations can be serviced in a single episode while giving the proper heft to each. So this week, we turn away from Winterfell, what lies beyond the wall and Pyke to focus on the so-far neglected Daenerys, witness a fruitless conference between the Baratheon brothers and visit the charming, dragon-melted towers of Harenhaal.

Since a few scenes a occurred in imprecise locations, some sections will be associated with a person or persons.

Robb Stark’s army

The kickstart to the gruesome events shows two Lannister foot soldiers goofing off on their watch. One tries to spook the other by pretending to hear something in the brush only to fart at the other. But when the victim of this tomfoolery is not convinced that there isn’t something rustling about, Robb’s direwolf, Grey Wind, pounces on them. There’s a cut to black and then, amid the morning fog, Lannister bodies are strewn out on the dewey ground. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the use of the growling direwolf as an imposing and theatrical start to the battle, but there has yet to be a fully-staged battle in the series. There has been more intimate sword fights and there’s been no shortage of carnage, but it would appear the limited (though not modest) TV budget has put some constraints on the GoT team. It’s not so much a critique as a disappointment. I was geared up to see at least a few takedowns and I got a quick transition instead.

The one development I was awarded was a slick commentary on the inner turmoil of Robb Stark. Though Richard Madden has played this increasingly confident young commander with great poise, I haven’t had a clue what kind of conscience he has. Ned Stark was a man who strove to be mindful, and Robb seems to abide by his father’s principles. But since all I’ve seen him do is conquer enemies, I have yet to see that heart. To that point, we are treated to a scene where by contrast we’re able to glean that maybe Robb doesn’t relish in these assaults. His values show when he says he won’t torture men because “we don’t flay men in the North” and because it would only give the Lannisters reason to harm his sisters. Then, a nurse (who keeps her affiliation hidden) chastises Robb a bit for his mindless killing. Most of these men have no ties or loyalty to Joffrey and only do as they’re told. Why should they die because of his personal vendetta? She also pokes at his lack of plan when the fighting is over. He has no interest in the crown for himself, but no idea of who will replace the boy king either. It’s clear by his remorseful expression that this woman’s disapproval got to him. Will he be able to maintain his bravery and battle savvy as the fields get bloodier?

King’s Landing

Speaking of the crybaby ruler of the realm, Joffrey has a hissy fit when he learns of another defeat at the hands of Robb Stark. His unleashes his fury on his future queen and Robb’s sister, Sansa. While he’d like to shoot her on sight, he can’t break the engagement. What a charmer. So instead he has his knight, Ser Meryn, rip her clothes and beat her. And who comes to put an end to the ferocity but TYRION, the shortest, but baddest mofo in Westeros.

He “educates” his nephew about acting honorably on the throne, again channeling Ned Stark. As I’ve mentioned, I believe that these principles won’t be his undoing like they were for Ned, because he knows how to con others into loyalty or snuff out those who betray him. Despite the humiliation, Sansa still swears her love for Joffrey, and Tyrion says what I know I was thinking, “Lady Stark, you may survive this yet.” There’s no doubt in my mind she is simply playing the game, while inside she rues the day she can decapitate her groom-to-be.

Bronn, Tyrion’s guard and right hand, suggests they gift Joffrey some whores. He is an adolescent, and maybe that pent-up aggression can be abated with some pounding of the flesh. This seems Tyrion rubbing off on Bronn, a well-calcualated move, until we see Joffrey go hardcore S&M. He forces Ros at crossbow-point (seriously, who gave the twerp a freaking crossbow) to spank the other whore with his belt violently. Then he dials it up by handing her his stag-headed staff (not a euphemism). I think it’s safe to say everyone who watches this show hates Joffrey, but during this cringe-fest I know I had that primal urge to go beyond voyeuristic loathing and end him myself. He went from an entitled brat, to a heartless and unquestionable villain on par with his mother in terms of disregard for others’ pain. His message to his uncle has been sent: I will do as I please.

With not much for Tyrion to slay with his biting wit and clever maneuvering, we have to settle for him exposing a scandal. He discovers that while Jamie has been away, Cersei has shacked up with another willing family member…the pretty and dimwitted cousin Lancel. Tyrion uses this as blackmail—no doubt Joffrey would not approve—and thus acquires a new spy. He makes a splendid joke too, referencing last week’s imprisonment of Maester Pycelle. Lancel was originally sent to request his release on Cersei’s behalf, and after Tyrion strikes his “deal” with Lancel he grants the release saying, “I would say something about not having harmed a hair on his head, but that isn’t strictly true.” Of course he is referring to Bronn severing his flowing, gray beard before they threw him in the Black Keep. Ha! Oh Peter Dinklage, you’re a hoot and a half.

Renly’s camp

As promised, Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish visits Renly Baratheon and Catelyn Stark, and isn’t received well by either. Renly doesn’t particularly like his face or “the words that come oozing out of [his] mouth,” but Lord Baelish expresses his loyalty hoping to ensure he’ll live and perhaps maintain his position in court in the event Renly wins (he does have the greatest numbers). Littlefinger then speaks with Margery, Renly’s devious, sexy queen, wondering why she has a separate tent. Margery, as I expected, doesn’t succumb to his questioning of her marriage, but I doubt Lord Baelish stops digging there. Also, you gotta appreciate the man’s way with words. His conversation with Margery was like an innuendo sandwich. I enjoyed his line to Renly: “If war were arithmetic, mathematicians would draw the world.”

He also meets with his childhood crush, Catelyn Stark: his main objective as assigned by Tyrion. She’s infuriated because she believes his treachery led to her husband’s death. Well, she’s half right. Lord Baelish advised Ned on how to handle the succession of the throne, but he chose not to listen. It was only then, when he knew his life would be endangered for supporting a traitor, that he double-crossed him. As badly as Catelyn wants to cut his throat, she spares him since he can help keep her daughters safe. He tries to broker a trade, but she knows Robb won’t settle. So Baelish respectfully presents her with her late husband’s remains as a gesture of goodwill (Tyrion’s suggestion).

Then we get my favorite small-scale talking scene, a meeting between Renly and Stannis Baratheon. A lot of barbs are exchanged, including Renly’s insults of  Melisandre’s religion. Stannis asserts he is the rightful heir, and then Renly retorts that no one wants him for their king, ending with what I have been saying since this clash began, “A man without friends is a man without power.” As much as I appreciate Stannis’ stoicism and his firm command, he doesn’t have much support besides his army. Stubborn, he issues the ultimatum that either Renly surrenders or he will destroy him. Renly immediately refuses and then Stannis ships back to Dragonstone. I also can’t say enough about the precision of the dialogue. It was such a sobering completion to the meeting when Renly added, “And I used to love him.” So simple, yet so effective. In a flash, we know that Renly regrets the turn things have taken since Robert’s death, but there’s no going back now either.

Harenhaal

The first of two new locations to pop up in the wonderfully animated opening credits is the fortress of Harenhaal, the Guantanamo Bay of the Lannister House. Arya, Gendry and company are shackled, awaiting their fate of torture. “The Mountain,” the vicious brother of Joffrey’s guard, “The Hound,” picks which kid or exile will be the next victim of his obscure coercion methods. Though I was unsure what they expected to learn from this pack of misfits, it makes sense that in war times there would be camps like these.

We learn that Arya has developed a new habit, she recites the names of those she wishes to kill before bed, something she must’ve picked up from Yoren, R.I.P. The names include, Joffrey, Cersei, The Hound, Polliver (the knight that killed Yoren), Ser Ilyn Payne (her dad’s executioner) and The Mountain—he is added after watching him strap a pail with a rat inside to a prisoner’s chest and then heating it (they actually used this same method in 2 Fast 2 Furious, weird). The next day Gendry is chosen, but who should appear but Tywin Lannister! Though he is the patriarch of the enemy, he still had the most riveting character intro ever—cutting open a stag as he talked to his son about how to hold onto power? Amazing. Tywin’s smart enough to decipher that Arya is a girl and essentially rescues her and appoints her as his new cup-bearer (am I the only one who thinks that sounds creepy coming from an old man?). He’s not cunning enough to figure out who she is though. Awfully convenient for her, but then again how would he know what she looks like?

The Red Waste/Qarth

Our second new locale is the walled city of Qarth. A living bloodrider finally comes back with news that they are three days’ journey from a place that will welcome them. Apparently this gated community is notorious for shutting people out and the area that surrounds the wall has been ominously called the “Garden of Bones.”Upon arrival, they are greeted by The Thirteen—mostly fat, white dudes (apparently Westeros and us aren’t so far apart, they looked like Congress).

They seem hospitable enough until one demands that they see her dragons before permitting entry to the “greatest city that ever was, or will be.” Daenerys denies them, protecting her young like the Mother of Dragons she is. She also keeps in mind that her starving Dothraki should take precedent, demanding they be allowed inside or they will die. She boasts that if they don’t comply, when he dragons are grown this shall be the first city they burn to the ground. One elder does stand up for her, the only black man Xaro Xhoan Daxos. After some in-house bickering, she’s escorted in. “The greatest city that ever was, or will be” does look magnificent, from what little we could glimpse when the gates opened, but this can’t just be some luxurious respite for our Dragon Queen.

Stannis, Melisandre and Davos

Here is where all the sinister vibes collected and were eventually unleashed in the most extravagant and fantastical scene of the series so far. As Stannis sails back to Dragonstone, he confers with his number two, Ser Davos. I must note that I couldn’t help but smile when Stannis corrects Davos’ grammar—it’s fewer fingers, not less fingers. Maybe, this ruthless warmonger is okay after all! I mean, no stickler for grammar can be evil, right? But honestly I also enjoyed seeing them interact for a bit, seeing how Davos’ skepticism of Melisandre comes from a place of mostly pure loyalty. I mean for Christ’s sake, he keeps his knuckle bones as a reminder of Stannis’ just punishment. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is.

Stannis orders Davos to bring Melisandre ashore, but isn’t specific for what purpose. On their canoe to shore, Melisandre tempts Davis, insinuating that he wants to see what is underneath her robe and that he’ll get to see soon enough. So we enter this cave on unsure footing, wondering why would she want to seduce Davos. Then, she sets down a lantern, disrobes, and reveals that she is extremely pregnant. She plops herself on the hard ground, spread her legs and after a couple pushes a black, shadowy, wispy kind of creature seeps out of her. Davos can only look in horror as he wonders what the hell she has just brought into this world.

What’s even more miraculous, is that this doesn’t seem completely far-fetched. This Lord of the Light didn’t seem like a pleasant god, but shadow babies seems darker than I’d anticipated. But with how frightening and alluring Carice van Houten has played Melisandre I was convinced. And I hate to brage, BUT, for someone who hasn’t read the books at all, I predicted this shift in the narrative awfully well. A world that seems to be run by the mighty just might be overrun by the magic they’ve long denied. As bizarre as that scene was, it felt necessary to explain why the cosmos had allowed all the horror that had preceded it. Without being obvious, it was evident that the episode’s somber air was a foreboding of some sort, so I’m glad it paid off. It was almost unbearable how little there was to cheer about. Yeah, Tyrion gained a minor leg-up on Cersei, and Arya wasn’t tortured, but Joffrey’s still a repulsive runt and Arya’s only temporally safe—how long before you think Tywin senses that she got some wolf in her? And let’s not forget two brothers committed to eliminating each other.

I mean, I wasn’t expecting uplifting material, but I usually walk away from a GoT episode with a surging feeling that something epic is imminent. We got a taste of awesomeness though—inexplicable and definitely wicked but cool nonetheless— and the writing on this show continues to delight and intrigue. With every syllable, there’s motivation seething out into the ether just waiting to be ensnared by the listener and boy, is it thrilling to have complex, well-built fantasy combined with such ambitious dialogue and storytelling. Though this might have been the weakest episode so far this season, even a down week in George R.R. Martin’s universe is a welcome adventure.

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

Bradley Whitford guest stars as "Parks" pays homage to "The West Wing" after a five-week hiatus.

HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!

After what has been an excruciatingly long five weeks for this reviewer, and I’m sure many other fans, we’re reunited, and it feels so good. And while the other comedy I cover, “New Girl” has elevated itself in the interim, there’s no question that “Parks” is still the prima ballerina. Like it never left us, “Live Ammo” danced its way into our hearts, even delighting “The West Wing” geeks with an appearance by Bradley Whitford as soon-to-be retired Councilman Pillner. Devoted fans of the drama (one of the rare all-time greats I haven’t had the pleasure to watch beginning to end yet) were treated to Aaron Sorkin’s infamous “walk with me, talk with me”  down the hallway. Even the title of the episode, and its accompanying quote—”We play with live ammo around here”—are relics of the beloved show that set the standard for depicting the American political landscape.

The devotion for “Parks” is just as fierce though, and I’m sure expectations were high for how strong these characters would come back. Funny thing is, I’d forgotten how much the people I thought I knew had changed. Ann and Tom are still dating and she’s even spending time at his place. Granted, it’s mostly because he outfits the space with every amenity a woman could want. Ann is in love—with his apartment. It’s girl heaven. “He’s seriously in debt, but who cares.” And that’s all we get that addresses their situation directly. They don’t even spend any time on screen together if memory serves, but no news might be good news for Tom since he always seems to be his own saboteur.

April seems to have made the most drastic shift as she is now running the parks department in lieu of Leslie. She may not be prepared, but she’s motivated. The very thought of April showing passion for anything is frightening, but the writers have done a superb job of making her evolution gradual and organic this season. She still has little patience for people, and in her meeting she resorts to name calling, but when Leslie needs a boost in PR, she devises her own plan. Tom had inspired her earlier, reminding her that Leslie gets so much out of the job because she puts so much in. If she can find a passion project, she just might take pride in what she does. It’s shocking to see April enact any initiative considering she studied at the Ron Swanson School of Stalling, and yet there she goes organizing a pet adoption in one’s Pawnee’s finest parks.

Now why does the Knope campaign and the parks department desperately need an influx of good press? Well, during her power stroll with Councilman Pillner she asks him to find another area to cut in the annual budget since the current proposal takes 8% off parks. Her pitch is soild, a picture of a sweet girl who flourishes in five of the parks programs, and they are all that separates her from a destiny of stripping, or prostitution, or general debauchery. Pillner’s sold so he strikes down another program. What program you ask? Oh, just an animal shelter.

Her opponent, Bobby Newport’s hotshot advisor, Jennifer Barkley (played wonderfully by Kathryn Hahn), jumps all over this. On “Final Word with Perd” she brands Leslie a dog murderer and even Perd Hapley is convinced by her menacing tone. Ben had warned her that any moves she makes to advocate for parks could be a liability, but you can’t take the parks department out of Leslie, and he knows that. Damage control is a necessity though as little girls begin to call the campaign complaining they can’t sleep for fear that Leslie will kill their doggies. Yikes.

While April helps the restore the image of the parks department, Leslie goes overboard like only she can by adopting a slew of cats and dogs, plus a pig. Aware this cannot be their end game, LesBen conjures up another program that might replace the animal shelter as expendable. Leslie stumbles upon some “D1″ public works programs that have been inactive for two years and Pillner accepts. Animal shelter stays, AND parks budget stays intact. LesBen begins to lay back and relax, comparing themselves to the Obamas (Ben humorously realizes that he is the Michelle in this pairing), but not for long. Ann bears the bad news that Pillner expanded on Leslie’s proposed cuts and slashed even more “D1″ programs which includes Ann’s position. WHAAAAAAT?!

Frustration sets in for April after only giving away one dog despite the efforts of Jerry and Donna. Jerry cleaned the cages of poop and Donna made up labels with photos and fake personal histories (lots of them saved people from burning buildings). Then, a lady drops off two unwanted cats and bolts. Now stuck with more animals than she started with, she angrily chases the lady down. The next day she doesn’t show up to the office and Tom decides to provide her with some perspective. Seriously, when did these characters become so mature? If any two characters on “Parks” were stunted in their growth it was April and Tom, but this season they’re breaking through their stubborn qualities. April’s now motivated to be kind and do good, and Tom is able to be sincere without promoting a product or making some douchey come-on. Progress people. Anyway, in Tom’s touching scene he lifts April up by imparting some of Leslie’s wisdom: you work for that 2% of the time where you feel rewarded. One elated girl is loving a puppy who would have had no one otherwise. That’s the job. Even April can’t resist a smile after that.

For Leslie, her options are quickly lessening, and will it would seem like she’ll have to either sacrifice principle or her campaign to save her best friend’s job, but she invents a seemingly impossible third option. It’s sounds dangerous because it’s called “political suicide,” but she’ll actually come out fairly unscathed after falling on her sword. Truthfully, it’s ingenious and props to the writers for this. They clearly studied their “West Wing.” Her plan is to offer Jennifer the idea that Bobby Newport funds the animal shelter with his personal fortune. That way the parks budget doesn’t get cut and Ann keeps her job. In return, Jennifer must stop running “puppy killer” ads. And to cover her tracks, to ensure Jennifer doesn’t go back on her word, she promises to cut the parks budget herself so that she comes off as tough, fair and self-sacrificing, therefore undercutting the goodwill the Newport campaign will garner for its philanthropy. On the surface, it looks like Leslie gets very little while she hands Newport a surge in the polls on a silver platter. But she’ll let him win this week. Next week, they have a debate, and he must open his mouth. Leslie’s confident she’ll tear him a new one. This is precisely how Leslie can play politics and not lose herself.

Off in the background, yet somehow stealing the show, were Ron and Chris. Seeking a replacement for Ben as assistant city manager, Chris informs Ron that he’s a finalist for the position. Ron’s both unenthused and thrilled. Any job in government is considered despicable to him, and yet he can use his influence to cut wasteful government spending (he suggests his first measures will be to take down traffic lights and dismantle the post office). Chris then invites Ron to meditate with him. Ron accepts although the idea sounds stupid—the need to wear yoga pants might have tipped him over the edge—and Ann warns him that he’ll want to die. But Ron does not shy away from a challenge and endures the six-hour meditation. With Ron Swanson badassery, he stands the entire time, having not a single thought.

When Ron expresses his disinterest, Chris acknowledges that he figured he wouldn’t enjoy it. The simple act of accepting his invitation proved that he was not as inflexible a coworker as he thought, and he’s now earned his spot as assistant city manager. Ron gleefully accepts and then goes to devour a meat cone. I was amped at the prospect of a Ron/Chris pairing. They’re such philosophical opposites that it’s a recipe for comedic splendor, especially with Nick Offerman and Rob Lowe’s utter dedication to their roles. My excitement is short-lived though when another councilman discretely notifies Chris that he’s on the chopping block if Bobby Newport wins. Chris then immediately resorts to one of his ruts and Ron helps him cope with his brand of solution—whisky. Averse to positive thinking, it irks him to even attempt, but he prompts Chris to consider the upsides. Ron sees it as an opportunity to free himself from an entity that sucks the lifeblood from hard-working people. Chris, however, sees Ann through the windows and his worries dissipate.

Between Chris’ discovery about his job insecurity and the impending debate, the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been. And is that last smile at Ann indicative of a potential love triangle? As improbable as it may seem, Tom and Ann are happy, and I don’t want to see Tom hurt. But Chris’ moping certainly doesn’t sit well with me either. This wonderful dichotomy of pure joy and serious consequence is as admirable as it gets for a supposed workplace sitcom. It’s this ambitious aim that puts it head and shoulders above other funny half-hour retreats, even when it disappears for a while. I threw my head back in laughter at their hysterical observations while I also bit my nails anticipating what fate might befall my friends. I’m overcome with enthusiasm and relief now that we get to play in Pawnee for a few more weeks! A 5-star return.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- “Our department is the only thing between her and a life of tube tops, tribal tattoos, and barfing in hot tubs.”

- “All due respect Mrs. Ludgate, but do you even know what you are doing here?”  ”All due respect Mr. Hampsterpenis, but no, I don’t.”  ”My last name is Giles.”  ”Are you sure? Because you look like a hamster penis.”

- “Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe the position nor government should exist. That said, you’d be a fool not to pick me.”

- Leslie to Ben: “I’m just really into you. Gimme a spin!”

- Tom enjoys naming drinks: “Beer-yonce, beer in a sexy ass mug.” “Jay-Zima, they bought a whole bunch of Zima when the factory shut down.”

- “Hey honey good morning, how did you sleep, I adopted 32 cats and dogs, do you want pancakes, I need pancakes.”

- “They should be rewarded for not being people, I hate people.”

- “Hey Ben, the pig ate your noise-canceling headphones. Pigs are awesome!”

- “I know you’re just making a joke, but using a bigger bottle would be considered cheating by most of our trade publications, FYI.”

- “If you’ll excuse me, there’s a hot spinning cone of meat next door, and I plan to eat the whole thing.”

- “I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We’re all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.”

- I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads!”

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) rubs the belly of Cece (Hannah Simone) hoping she's carrying his child

In my travels this past weekend (ok, while channel surfing, laying in my bed) I happened upon the commercial for last night’s episode. I audibly groaned when I heard the premise: a pregnancy scare for Schmece (Schmidt and Cece). It’s a tired sitcom plot, and I’ve been exalting “New Girl” for being a more of a cutting-edge comedy than I had forecast when it premiered.

However, upon second thought I realized “New Girl” has mostly been using recycled material, but has been making it fresh with the ways their characters react atypically to the mayhem. “Secrets” was your standard “Everyone finds out” episode that had breathed life into it through each character’s lack of acceptance, and “Normal” was the usual boyfriend comes over fare, but an invented drinking game, “True American” made it stand out. So I was cautiously optimistic about how “New Girl” would treat this subject matter. And my faith was mostly rewarded.

We open with an understandably distraught Cece staring into space, horrified at the prospect of a Schmidt baby. She imagines the newborn nursing 24/7, and Jess adds they’ll need to make a “douche baby jar.” And when they inquire Schmidt about what he was like as a baby she is hardly comforted. Jess is wrestling with her own anxieties since Russell has asked her to watch his preteen daughter (and Jess’ student) for a day that weekend. Of course her biggest obstacle is the behavior of man-children Nick and Schmidt. She forbades Nick from inviting any college girls, but it turns out Nick has settled on one young lady, Chloe, in particular. Winston gets easily the weakest story line. He’s asked to chauffeur his boss, Joe Napoli (he’s racked up some DUIs) to Michael Strahan’s program, “On the Strahan Narrow”—ha! But when he picks him up the radio shock jock, he’s rummaging through other people’s trash.

Zooey Deschanel actually impressed me by pulling off her awkward encounter with Russell’s ex-wife. Her nervous cackling was pitch-perfect, and her panic when the ex refers to Russell as “my husband” even made me uneasy. As for the kid, Sarah, she was inconsistent in believability and in comedic effect. When she tells Nick he has poop eyes, I was disappointed that they were playing her crudely and younger than her age. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for an “out of the mouths of babes” moment where she could precociously dissect Nick’s regressive dating habits. Maybe I was asking for too much. What we did get had its laugh-out-loud moments though. Her overzealous and disturbing interest in her dad’s sex life made me squirm—as well as the nonsensical and made-up names for sex acts like ‘doing the 99′ or ‘giving plows’—and her obsession with Nick had me rolling at times. Despite Schmidt being the most obviously attractive, Nick is perfect  because he is so flawed and possibly the worst target for his affection (though it would continue the trend of him dating younger and younger…ew).

Schmidt is worried that Cece’s behavioral shift means she wants more substance in their relationship. He proposes they go on their first real date to see Italy on Ice (with a possible guest appearance by Drea de matteo!). Instead, she suggests he take someone else, trying not to make him suspicious of her potential pregnancy. This leads to the most overtly hilarious scene where Schmidt pretends to call another female prospect who is actually Nick. Although Nick isn’t in on this deception so he becomes quite concerned. His initial obliviousness and calm though was the best. Schmidt asks what he’s wearing flirtatiously and he blandly replies, “Button down shirt and jeans like I always do.” There’s many more golden exchanges that you can find in L.O.L.Ls. This sort of setup has been done before, but any chance to delve into complexities of Nick and Schmidt’s friendship is a-okay with me. And it’s a brilliant showcase of what Jake Johnson and Max Greenfield can bring and have brought to the table.

When Cece starts venting about the perils of not using protection (and inappropriately in earshot of Sarah), Schmidt overhears. I thought it was a spectacular decision on the writers part to add flair to this overused story by having him be thrilled with the news. It was nice to see Schmidt’s d-bag facade pulled back a bit to see how sensitive he can be. Despite being a control freak he isn’t thrown off by this interruption to his five-year plan. He believes this might be fate or the universe telling him that he’ll never find a girl better than Cece. But he sabotages these displays of his inner sweetheart soon after. When he assures Cece that he’ll support whatever decisions she makes, he undercuts this touching speech with his concerns that he’ll create a “Russian nesting doll situation” if they have sex while she’s with child. Oh Schmidt, don’t ever change.

Sarah’s rage at the dinner table was satisfying. The death stares at Chloe were sufficiently over-the-top, but within the obnoxiousness of a preteen girl’s raging hormones. Jess’ efforts to calm down her possessive attitude fall flat, but we get the gem of a revelation that Chloe actually knows Sarah from riding on the same school bus together. It just so happens that Chloe is a VERY recent high school grad and is 18 years old. It’s awful, it’s abhorrent and damn funny. Worse yet, Jess suddenly remembers that she subbed a few years back for Chloe’s 8th grade class. This has to be Nick’s rock bottom, but he sure seems to have a lot of them. I won’t say I’m actively rooting for him to stay miserable, but as his life enters into further disarray, he becomes more of a rival for Schmidt as the funniest character on the show.

Jess is infuriated by this sh*tshow and berates Nick and Schmidt for maybe ruining her fling with Russell. Her notion that they insist on “making and/or dating babies” was another reason this may have been one of Deschanel’s best performances. Her anger and unsettled demeanor seemed the most justified it has been, and she never ventured into absurdity. Dare I say she seemed like an adult? She has a lot of work to do before she can become the disciplinarian sort of parent, but she recognizes those faults, which is half the battle. When Sarah’s mom shows up she tries her hardest to get it together. She has Schmidt create a diversion while Nick helps to coax Sarah out of his room. It was apropos that when he’s trying to convince her that her loving feelings are misplaced he realizes that his way of dealing—being numb to it all—is more unhealthy, so he tells he to stay locked up in that room forever. When Sarah finally does walk out she’s stuck in a cocoon of Jess’ bras and Sarah’s mom walks in. This only adds to her disapproval, especially when Cece storms in and kisses the woman because she got her period. Jess makes her peace with it and literally closes the door and declares, “I’m not having kids till I’m 80.” Wise choice.

Regretfully Winston’s side adventure is not as triumphant nor did it incite as much outrageous laughter as the rest of the episode. I didn’t care much at all about what Joe Napoli was going through and I still don’t understand the connection between his apparent hoarding (he buys seven copies of “Speed” on VHS at a yard sale) and his insecurities around Michael Strahan (I did like the idea that he has been a dick since he got his Super Bowl ring), but if anything it showed how Winston is the most put-together of the group. He still could work on his own self-image, but the way he encouraged Joe was admirable. I couldn’t help but feel like this plot was an excuse to pull him out of the main stories because he would have been wasted there, but I wish they had given it a shot. Winston has thrived as the voice of reason, and his dynamic with the others has yielded raucous results in the past. But this was the only major disappointment so maybe I shouldn’t cry over this spilled milk (though milk is a precious commodity in my apartment so that saying does not apply to me).

The “New Girl” writers should be commended too for the serious momentum they created with the final shot before the credits. If Winston is the most mature, Schmidt earned some brownie points this week and is sneaking up on him. He surprised me with the intention of a grand gesture—the words “Marry Me” written in the sky. He ultimately chickens out and prevents Cece from seeing it when she’s adamant that they should return to the way things were, before she had her scare. Since this means they’re back to casual sex, Schmidt rescinds his proposal, but with only a few episodes to go I can’t imagine they’ll abandon Schmidt’s unrequited need for something deeper. I’m unsure if this was supposed to be the end of Russell, since he never appears on screen to disapprove of Jess’ babysitting, only his ex-wife did. I hope it isn’t, because there is a lot of comedic ground they could still cover and Dermot Mulroney has been a delight.

I continue to love these characters and be genuinely pleased by how they interact with one another. Between Schmidt’s fake flirting with Nick, and Jess’ foray into motherhood, it’s obvious these people are dangerously inept at being proper grownups, but who is ever totally ready for that? We’re all a little lost, so why not poke a little fun at it? For staying true to who these people are at their cores, even if they didn’t all get five-star treatment, the episode provided four-star fun. Any show that can make me smile this often cannot be a bad addition to the TV landscape.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- “I was the bomb-diggity as a baby. They say I was break dancing at eight months. And they say I needed a magnum-sized diaper.”

- “No bringing in college girls, Berlusconi!”

- “Oh my god I love Nick so much. He’s so hot. I wanna rub my face on his face!”

- Schmidt calls Nick and pretends to flirt with him, then Nick expresses his concerns: “Everything all right? You wanna hang out more Schmidt?”

- Schmidt: “Are you taking care of that tushy?” Nick: “I mean I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts.”

- Schmidt’s elation over Cece’s potential pregnancy: “We made a caramel miracle!”

- Jess, on if Nick is hot: “Yeah, in a rumpled, small town PI kind of way.”

- Do his eyes get sleepy? Does he love stuff? I wanna love what he loves. Do you think we’ll ever do animal style?”

- “I can’t wait to take this journey with you. Your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous.”

- Schmidt on how young Chloe is: “She doesn’t even know what Netscape is. She thinks Ice Cube is mainly an actor.”

- Joe Napoli to Winston: “You know if you were a woman, or even dressed as a woman, we’d be unstoppable.”

- Not a line, but I loved when Jess compared their group to The Golden Girls. Jess is DEF Betty White and Schmidt is obviously Rue McClanahan, but what about the rest? Winston is like a mother figure so maybe he is Sophia, but I’m not sure if Nick fits as Bea Arthur. Food for thought.

Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) sits sleeplessly, contemplating the cruelty of what she's seen at such a young age.

For a series billed as fantasy, there has been little magic in the land of Westeros. Daenerys hatched some dragons, and before that she entrusted her Dothraki hubby, Khal Drago, to a self-proclaimed healer who seemed attuned to some bad juju. Other than that, Westeros has been a realm of faith, steel and bloodshed that doesn’t stray too far from our medieval history. But as Jon Snow, bastard of House Stark, journeys farther away from The Wall, a grim unnaturalness lurks in the shadows. With the balance being upset by the numerous “kings” battling for an elusive throne, could this world be a pendulum swinging its weight away from the dominion of men toward the mythical?

Beyond the Wall/Winterfell

If there’s any indication that inexplicable forces are threatening than Jon Snow has seen it. We pick up this week moments after Snow was snatched by Craster while he was sneaking around, trying to discern where the sound of a crying baby had come from. Bashed and bloodied, he’s brought back to the wildling’s home where his commander, Ser Jeor Mormont, chastises him for provoking their much needed ally. When Jon protests, claiming he saw Craster sacrifice his son, Mormont basically says, “So what!” Just as in global politics, sometimes you make alliances with nations who have abhorrent morals in order to gain a valuable resource. And to the watch, warm lodging is gold: “Like it or not we need men like Craster.”

Snow says he doesn’t know what the beast was that snatched the baby, but I would presume it was a white walker. Although, I was intrigued by the prospect of a perhaps even deeper mythology when Mormont suggested, “Wildlings pray to crueler gods than you or I.” Is he equating Craster’s offering his newborn up for feeding to a ritual, or do the Wildlings really have a separate faith aside from the Old Gods and Faith of the Seven that we’ve seen followed so far. Could Melisandre’s precious Lord of the Light be among them?

We briefly stop by Winterfell to check on Bran who awakes from another lucid dream. Maester Luwin is skeptical when the boy tries to persuade him into his belief that he actually inhabits a direwolf somehow in his dreams. This seems logical, but where does his foresight concerning his father’s death fit in? Also, I chuckled when Maester Luwin cited the absence of dragons as proof that magic is gone from this world. Not so fast old man! Oh, dramatic irony.

Renly’s camp

After meeting Stannis two weeks ago now, we’re reacquainted with younger brother Renly Baratheon. He may not possess the military skills of his older brother, but he commands a mightier army through loyalty and likability. This is what prompted Robb Stark to send his mother, Catelyn Stark, as an ambassador to Renly’s camp. Our introduction is an armored duel much like that which kicked off the second season where The Hound brutally killed a man for Joffrey’s amusement. Here, Renly seems more merciful and organizes this match purely for sport.

Interestingly, one of the knights is his own gay lover of last season, Ser Loras Tyrell. Even more noteworthy is that he’s bested by what is revealed to be a giant woman Brienne (an imposing Gwendoline Christie). She’s an enigma thus far except that she wishes to devote herself to serving Renly is his Kingsguard. She also refuses to be called a lady by Catelyn Stark, simply because she doesn’t see herself as one. Lady Stark’s objective was to gain Renly’s allegiance in battle, but she can’t help her maternal instincts. When Renly pledges to make the Lannisters answer for their crimes by serving her Joffrey’s head, she tries to tell him his army isn’t fit for winter. Though they seem to be a coalition of the willing, to her eyes they’re the unequipped Knights of Summer.

Still, the most promising development was Renly’s wife and Ser Loras’ sister, Margery Tyrell. After Loras makes it apparent he’s in no mood to fool around after having his ass handed to him, Margery enters sporting a viciously deep and wide neckline. Initially, it seems she’s another naive wife who doesn’t see her husband’s homosexual tendencies. She starts seducing him like a champ, shedding her barely-there gown, while his focus is obviously elsewhere (which is unfathomable, to me, since actress Natalie Dormer is stunningly sexy). When he pulls away, using the old excuse of “I’m too tired, not tonight babe,” Margery retorts with a quip that caused me whiplash: “Do you want my brother to come in and help? Or he could get you started, I know he wouldn’t mind. Or I can turn around and you can pretend I’m him?” Damn girl, that STINGS.

Turns out, she’s got ambitions too. She’s well aware of the political gains implied in her union. Her reasoning is that he only needs to bed her until she has baby-size leverage in her belly, which would be enough to scare their enemies. Game for whatever sexually, Margery can live with the kinky stuff as long as it means her team’s winning. For a show already sizzling with strong female roles, Margery, and also Melisandre, add something to the Daenerys dynamic we were introduced to last season. Women in this world know their influence lies between their legs. Therefore, if they want something, seduction will be the weapon they wield. Of course, Arya Stark began to buck this trend last year, and this is precisely what makes the young girl lovable, but props are due to Margery for grabbing life by Renly’s…er…horn.

King’s Landing

Tyrion wasn’t blowing smoke when he declared he knew how this game is played. In an effort to detect traitors among his ranks, he crafts a masterful plan built on distributing deception. He divulges a plan for a brokered marriage involving his niece (Cersei’s daughter) Myrcella to his three fellow Small Councilmen. To Grand Maester Pycelle he shares his plan to wed her to the prince of House Martell in Dorne (all I know is apparently good wine comes from there); to Varys he shares his plan to marry her off to Theon and House Greyjoy; and to Petyr Baelish he shares his scheme to patch up his relations with House Arryn by offering the girl to Lysa’s son, Robin. Although all three were skeptical, they promise to remain hushed about these dealings. Tyrion reiterates to all them the importance that the Queen mustn’t know.

Consequently, when Cersei comes back tossing valuables and bitching about how he’s selling Myrcella to Dorne like she’s a common whore, he now knows he can no longer trust Pycelle. There was something slightly disturbing about how Tyrion tormented the old man (and interrupted his prostitute time!), ordering Bronn to cut off his beard with a knife and then throwing him in a “black cell.” Yes, it was a calculated maneuver, and what do you expect him to do to a man who admits to betraying consecutive Hands to the Kings for the Lannisters. Even though he himself is a Lion (the Lannister animal) he has proof of the old man’s loose lips. Once a traitor, always a traitor. And once, twice, three times a fool and all that. Here we see that not only can Tyrion win over hearts, but he can pluck out the subjects that will betray him. He values honor just as Ned Stark did, but he has the sense to know that not every man will share his code. He’ll have an honorable horde before this is over, but it will be on his terms.

If there’s any vulnerable spots in his scheming armor it’s his whore girlfriend, Shae. She’s catching cabin fever, but none of the menial jobs he suggests suit her pride. There’s no doubt in her that she is and always will be a whore, but she resents having to play dumb for him. Varys, who holds the secret of her presence, secures her the job of being Sansa Stark’s handmaiden. Inevitably, she’s entirely incompetent and Sansa takes her frustrations out on her. To be fair, Sansa has to sit at the dinner table with her proposed mother-in-law from hell, Cersei, while the smaller children discuss the likelihood that her brother will be slain. Unlike Arya, princess life has been her dream, but this life no doubt repulses her. These people she will call family, killed her father and are plotting to slaughter the rest. Despite it all though, she talks a good game and sits pretty as the Lannister’s little dove. Let’s hope she can exacts some sort of revenge, however risky that might be.

The Iron Islands, Pyke

As Balon Greyjoy prepares to occupy the weakly held North, while Robb’s armies march farther south, Theon debates over where his allegiances lie. Immediately upon return his need for Daddy’s approval was paramount. But Balon seems to have resigned to shunning him. Theon insists on compromise, but all his father does is recite the Greyjoy words, “We do not sow.” Put another way, we are subservient to no one. Stubborn, but valiant all the same. For Theon though, this means either he commands one measly ship against a fisherman’s village—while Yara keeps her distinction of second in command—or he betrays his bloodline and sides with his surrogate brother, Robb.

And who would blame him if he chose the latter? For all Balon’s posturing, he has indeed succumbed at least once. He surrendered to the Starks and willingly offered them his only remaining son. And while Theon has been a prisoner of Winterfell, there’s no doubt that all the Starks, especially Robb, have embraced him as one of their own. So if he does not belong to either House, where is home? At one point, Theon seems to side with Winterfell. He writes a letter of warning to Robb, I guess considering being a double agent. But ultimately he chooses blood over brotherhood and is baptized “by the power of salt, stone and steel” as stoically proud papa looks on. I suspect Balon knows that his son’s loyalty wavered more than it should have, and will continue to give him inconsequential duties.

Caravan to the Wall

The episode then comes full circle and back to the Starks. A sleepless Arya sharpens a blade when Yoren plops down in front of her for a heart-to-heart. If Tyrion is the epicenter of the show’s humor and political savvy, Arya is the heart and soul, for me. So when she asks how Yoren is able to sleep after having seen such terrible things my heart started to melt. Though as Yoren reminds her, she never saw her father get executed (he shielded her pretty well) she saw all their faces. She saw the aftermath. She saw the savage glee of Joffrey and the devastation of her sister. Yoren tells a story of how his own losses have affected him. He speaks of a handsome boy Wilhelm, who stabbed his brother in the heart at his doorstep. He admits how that good-looking face had haunted him many nights. But then one day, Wilhelm strolled back into town and so Yoren buried his axe in his skull. Immediately after, he was led to the Wall. It’s not a strikingly touching story, nor a comforting one, but if I’m Arya, I take it as motivation. The opportunity to avenge her father will come, if she’s ready for it; however, she must be certain that’s the life she wants, because there’s no going back.

His speech is interrupted then by the returning City Watch. As Yoren sweetly describes, “There’s men out there who want to fuck your corpses.” He cuts down a few of them fearlessly, even shrugging off the hit of a crossbow (“I always hated crossbows. Take too long to load!”) before he’s ambushed and gutted. Like the courageous protector he is, he dies kneeling upright, until they kick him down. Arya’s captured in the subsequent scrum and her attackers use her precious sword, Needle, to finish off a lame youth. The newly rounded up are then grilled about who among them goes by Gendry. They’re of course in search of the sole living bastard of Robert Baratheon. Arya quickly devises a way to save her friend, by asserting that they already hit their target when they just murdered that boy who couldn’t walk. Since he was holding Gendry’s self-crafted helmet, they’re none the wiser. Now she and the real Gendry are headed back toward the capital as prisoners where they’ll be held at the allegedly cursed castle, Harenhaal. That probably won’t be awesome though, right? Oh wait, it absolutely will be.

While Tyrion earns his title by luring the rats from their holes, Arya must weasel her way out of one. Dragonstone goes unseen this week, but Stannis’ little bro surges on with his own wicked woman beside him. And let’s not forget that Theon and Daddy dearest (and his sister/accidental lover) take to the seas to surprise “brother” Robb. It’s throughly impressive how well this ever-thickening plot has taken shape. The pieces are on the board, they’re making moves and traps are being set. But with fluid definitions of king, queen, knight and pawn developing, don’t expect the rules to apply. As Varys advised Tyrion, power is just a trick, a shadow on the wall, that depends on where men believe it resides (an apt metaphor for religion as well). After all, in a realm where the dead may never die and the incomprehensible threatens from its farthest corners, what can you possibly believe to be certain?

For an epic ending sequence with blood spilled and hope lost, and an equally satisfying warring of wits—whether it’s Tyrion’s trickery or Margery’s manipulation— I’ll provide one sure answer. When I gaze upon the Westeros universe, I see expert juggling of an overflowing ensemble, engaging yet dense writing, and five radiant stars.

Remember, don’t discuss elements of the books that haven’t aired yet. Don’t spoil it for everyone else in the comments section!

Russell (Dermot Mulroney) shotguns a beer during a rousing game of "True American."

With the recent change from a letter grade system to a 5-star rating system, this occasion seems less momentous. Nonetheless, it must be recognized that with this week’s episode, “New Girl” is no longer toeing the A-/4.5 star line. Five episodes that have aired in 2012 have been a stone’s throw from validation. They were so close they could smell the greener grass (very potent fertilizer). And although that handful can boast some commendable scenes, and downright hilarious lines, where they come up short of the target, “Normal” hits the bullseye.

Among those episodes that can only bask in the shadow of this week’s undisputed champ were some doozies: “Fancyman Part 2,” “Control,” “Valentine’s Day,” “Jess and Julia” and “Story of the 50.” The similarities are slim. What they share wouldn’t look like much in Venn Diagram. “Control” and “Story of the 50″ were Schmidt-centric, and therefore easily won my affections. “Valentine’s Day” and “Fancyman Part 2″ were great examples of how to best use their ensemble as their competing plots found a way to neatly coincide. And “Jess and Julia” was an experiment that mostly succeeded where the writers decided to pin Lizzy Caplan’s femininity against Zooey Deschanel’s in a well-executed bit of meta-commentary. If there was a trend that could be extracted it was joke volume. These episodes, like many in the second half of New Girl’s first season, decided they were going to shift the focus a tad from the guys’ reactions to Jess’ antics and absurdity to fleshing out what has proven to be a top-notch group. And boy, has the reinvention paid huge dividends

Character-derived and relationship-based humor coupled with sharp wit has become the “New Girl” writing staff’s cash crop. The proof is in last night’s fun-filled pudding. Arguably the definitive sequence of the season shows off the electricity that can be generated when all four actors share the screen. I’m talking about the epic game of “True American.” To explain the rules of “True American” would trivialize its hilarity. Basically, it’s a drinking game, where presidents’ names seem to be shouted at random, and the floor is lava—like in all the best games of pretend, ever. But what absolutely makes the scene jump out at you is how much goddamn fun they’re having. When a show can incorporate an aspect of a group of friends’ lives that seamlessly fits into the chemistry the show has been cooking you know that good work has been done in the writer’s room. Through the magic of characterization, “True American” becomes an unquestionable aspect of their camaraderie because we know who these people are together. The added bonus is Russell’s (Speaking of seamless, how about Dermot Mulroney’s stellar contribution!) disorientation as he acclimates himself to the “rules” of the game. With each beer he shotguns the more he gets it.

And the good times don’t end there. This whole episode exudes a confidence in its ability to incorporate recurring jokes into the episode’s arc. Said arc begins when Jess realizes she has been off on a week-long “sex-cation” (Trademarked by Schmidt) with Russell and misses the guys. Russell would rather undress her immediately at the political fundraiser, but he agrees to spending a night at the loft. Of course, as sitcom outsiders often do, he gets more than he bargained for. Besides a raucous rendition of “True American” he also must navigate the uncool behavior of the guys that they unleash whenever he’s around. The montage of their not-so-normal actions was particularly well-done and indicative of what makes each dude so oddball. Schmidt executes a sneak attack on Russell for a “label check” of his suit, Nick can’t keep his eyes to himself in the bathroom and Winston startles him and entraps him with “Are you scared of black people? It’s 2012.”

But despite Jess’ warnings the guys just can’t be cool. Nick and Schmidt are the worst offenders. Their collaborative awkwardness revolves around an idea in Nick’s idea notebook, a smartphone case that provides features that no app can provide: a Zippo, fork, spoon, corn holder (or a gentleman’s shiv) and more. Essentially, it’s a Swiss Army knife attached to the back called “Real Apps.” It may be the worst invention ever, but it could also be the most harmful. When Nick and Schmidt present Russell with the prototype, they inadvertently stab him (although according to Jess that wasn’t the first stabbing this month). You have to applaud the efficiency of this minor plot because it not only showcases the relationship between Nick and Schmidt, and adds to the lore of what these dreamers can concoct, but it advances the arc of Jess trying to integrate Fancyman into her less-than luxurious world.

The B-plot gave Winston his due air time after his Theodore K. Mullins revival last week. His former basketball coach sets him up with a job interview as an assistant to radio shock jock Joe Napoli (played by real radio personality Phil Hendrie). Of course, this means leaving Elvin behind, abandoning his nanny post. Elvin is actually relieved that he doesn’t have to hold him back and offers help on his resume: “It’s 2012, Winston. Typing is not a special skill.” He ends up securing the position, but Napoli mercilessly teases him about his subpar basketball career. Coworker Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (the real one) even passes him a note saying that he will die there, with a signed autograph at the bottom.

Drunken Russell says his power play should be to dip his balls in Napoli’s daily shakes. Winston decides on the passive approach of quitting. Elvin isn’t having it though, and tattles on Winston to his mom, Gina, that Winston is a pothead. Elvin’s devious smile slayed me. I’d forgotten how much I loved the kid when we met him way back at the Christmas party. In a subtle twist, Winston remembers that he had indeed dip his “beans” in Napoli’s shakes, and scrambles to replace them. However, Napoli already got his mitts on one. Winston knows the risk, but confesses to his gross retaliation. Napoli, somewhat predictably, is impressed by his prank and wants to pull it on Kareem next.

Jess insists on having her first fight with Russell even though peace has been “their thing.” She expresses that despite her unsafe elevators—the cables were too thin, but they signed a waiver and got $100 slashed off their rent—and the whacky men that come with the space, her life is just as important as his. I liked that the conflict wasn’t addressed until the end, and that the rich/poor tension wasn’t overt like in Fancyman Part 1. This time it was an underlying issue. She knew that “True American” wasn’t going to be as sophisticated as a round of golf, but she isn’t a hoity toity person and he either gets all of her (including her south of normal buddies) or none of her. And clearly, silver-haired fox that he is, he wants Jess bad, and we get the reward of watching Schmidt’s jealousy and Nick’s man crush play themselves out for at least another week. I wholeheartedly approve.

I could have included nearly 70% of the lines in L.O.L.Ls this week, but that would be obnoxious. But the quality and efficiency of the jokes deployed was astounding. Whether it was a joke acknowledging Schmece’s ongoing sex parade (I envy him so much) and Jess’ lack of acceptance, or a genius recall of their plumbing troubles—a slapstick treasure where Nick wildly jerks the wooden end of plunger inside the disposal, his fellow men anchoring him like a bobsled team behind him—”New Girl” pulled out some of their best weapons from a exceptional arsenal. For proving its mettle as “True Americans,” displaying great command of its characters and world, and for not overemphasizing a trite conflict so that no joke, reference or continuity would be sacrificed, “New Girl” earns its stripes, and 5 stars.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines 

- Schmidt: “How was your sex-cation with Russell?” Jess: I did have a lot of sex, thank you!”

- “Yeah, you may have birthed the idea, but I midwifed it. I midwifed the crap out of it. It was a messy birth.”

- Nick, greeting Russell at the door: “Hey, I can show you around, I can show you our world. ‘Cause way up here, it’s crystal clear.” Jess (whispers): “Nick, you’re doing Aladdin again!”  Nick (whispers back): “Again?”

- Jess: “Stop copying Russell.” Nick: “I’m not copying him, I love him.”

- “Jess, this room is not for comforting. This is Darwin’s jungle, where open-minded people do weird things to each other.”

- “I’m not gonna get Winklevosse’d because of your sloppiness!”

- Schmidt: “The name is the game, friend-o…That’s why they call it basketball, not peach basket catch-it-up!” Nick: “You just came up with that?!”

- “These are hangover eggs. They either keep you from throwing up, or make you throw up real fast. High risk, high reward.”

- “And if you wanna get with me, you have to get with my friends. And that is a Spice girl song.”

Arya (Maisie Williams) and Gendry (Joe Dempsie) try to keep a low profile as the City Watch searches for them.

Any given “Game of Thrones” episode is chock-full of resonating material. Despite its medieval setting, a familiar undercurrent of gender dynamics, power, class structures, honor and nobility, political mistrust, and family all cross the temporal gap. These themes amplify our intrigue illuminating the modern truths within the fictional Westeros. But while these issues offer dimension and texture, they’re often pushed to the back burner as the plot dominates our curiosity and captures our imagination.

This week differed in that no party advanced much further towards their goal of seizing the Iron Throne, and mostly only talked about what needed to be done. Despite this stagnancy though, the episode was thematically unified. From North of the Wall to The Iron Islands, from Dragonstone to King’s Landing, their struggles shared the common thread of adjustment to new environments. Whether it’s Theon returning to his homeland of Pyke, Stannis giving himself to a new God, or Tyrion trying to learn from Ned Stark’s mistakes as the new Hand to the King, all of them saw their worlds shaken. And how they handle their change in station will determine how well they can survive the impending winter—in the literal and figurative sense.

Last week’s trek around the realm worked well, so let’s continue our quest. This week saw the introduction of The Iron Islands and most of the focus was spent on King’s Landing and Dragonstone, but we checked in on Arya and her Caravan to the Wall, Jon and Samwell beyond the Wall, and we mourned a bloodrider in The Red Waste with Daenerys.

Caravan to the Wall

We ended last week with Arya and Gendry hitching a ride on the wagon to the Wall. Gendry escaped his fate of slaughter after Joffrey ordered the execution of all of Robert Baratheon’s bastards. Arya is also on the lamb from the most slap-able face in the Seven Kingdoms—she is the Lannister’s would-be leverage in a trade for Jamie. She’s doing her best to blend in as a boy, but despite her heckling of criminals and brash banter she isn’t fooling Gendry. She fervently denies until Gendry asks her to “pull out [her] cock for a piss.” Obviously when she doesn’t comply his suspicions are confirmed, but he is shocked when she tells him she belongs to House Stark.

Mortified for speaking a Lady with such vulgarity he apologizes, but Arya isn’t interested in his pleasantries and pushes him to the ground for using her proper title “Milady.” We’ve known that Arya rejects a destiny as wife to a powerful Lord, and her father even encouraged her to train in sword fighting, but we’ve yet to see how she can handle real combat. Sure she stabbed some oaf who tried to hand her over to the Joffrey the Jerk, but she needs to prove herself beyond taking first blood. I have a hunch that the closer the caravan gets to the North and Castle Black the more her gall will be tested, and I know I’m rooting for Arya to transcend the expectations of Westerosi womanhood and become a revered soldier.

Yoren also gets a badass spotlight as he wards off a couple Gold Cloaks (the colloquial term for men of the City Watch in King’s Landing) who are sent on orders to apprehend Gendry. Quicker to the draw, he aims the pointy end right at the knight’s crotch and threatens him to turn around or bleed out from his man parts. The watchman chooses wisely and rides off, promising to return with more men so that he can leave with Yoren’s head. Something tells me his wish won’t be granted and Yoren will get the last laugh.

King’s Landing

My man Tyrion takes care of business this week, trying to stake his claim as a formidable member of the court. Varys discovers that Shae has accompanied Tyrion to the capital against his father’s wishes, but Tyrion does not react kindly to the eunuch’s veiled threat. Peter Dinklage delivers some gems this week, chief among them the much-quoted posturing from the TV spots, “I am not Ned Stark, I understand how this game is played.” And when Varys asserts that Ned Stark was a man of honor, Tyrion simply rebukes, “And I am not.” Despite his stature, Tyrion’s words sting like a blade and it channels the underdog in all of us. As the title credits suggest, Tyrion is the star of this season, and although his morals are planted in unstable earth, we’re all hoping he uproots the status quo.

Meanwhile, Cersei is still undeterred by Robb Stark and his conditions for surrender. She rips up the letter her cousin delivers and tells him to deliver back their non-reply. She also declines to aid the Night’s Watch by providing more manpower as she believes the talk of white walkers is unfounded. We as the audience know better, so it will be a nice bit of zombie karma when she’s bitten in the ass.

Tyrion continues to undercut the Queen regent’s authority by replacing Janos Slynt as commander of the City Watch. Though he’s asking for trouble, you can’t blame him considering that Janos betrayed the last two Hands to the King. He inserts his personal guard Bronn into the role, but I can’t help but wonder how loyal Bronn is. Though he has developed an affection for the imp and his silver tongue, he’s easily bought. When Tyrion asks him point blank if he would murder an infant on his orders without question (as Janos did for Joffrey) he responds, “Without question? No. I’d ask, how much?” Good to know where he stands, but can you really trust a man whose loyalty is first and foremost to gold? I suppose since Tyrion belongs to the richest family in Westeros it’s a non-issue, but this still might be troubling Tyrion.

When Cersei gets word of Tyrion exiling Janos to the NIght’s Watch she’s infuriated by his insubordination. But Tyrion diminishes the Queen’s methodology of leadership. “You might find it difficult to rule over millions who want you dead.” Cersei’s retort cuts deeply though, as she compliments Tyrion for being funny, but reminds him that his entire existence, killing his mother in childbirth and coming into the world a dwarf, is his greatest joke. It was unsettling to see someone else verbally slaying Tyrion for once. Maybe he’s not yet the wrecking ball we’re hoping for, but I bet that jab will serve as major ammunition in episodes to come.

The Iron Islands, Pyke

As promised, Theon Greyjoy sails his way home to request a fleet from his father, Balon. Robb will need a navy if he wants to sack King’s Landing. Though my grasp of Theon’s past was shaky last season we get a brief tutorial in the form of GoT’s infamous “sexposition.” This is when the writers unload backstory while the character is the act of intercourse with a prostitute. I mean if whores are good at anything, it’s listening, right? Basically, Theon has been held as a prisoner of war by the Starks after the Greyjoys rebelled against Robert to become a free nation. As a condition of their surrender they took Balon’s only male heir as insurance. Now after nine years away, he’s returning to his homeland, and when he arrives he seems to have been forgotten.

Although, one woman does appear to remember her Lord and offers him a ride to the castle on horseback. Thus begins the eepy-cray interaction where Theon hits on this woman hardcore, even groping her during the ride. Turns out he was pulling a Luke Skywalker and was putting the moves on…yup, his sister, Yara (Gemma Whalen). Balon (played with steeliness and menace by Patrick Malahide) has evidently replaced his son with his daughter, naming her commander of his powerful navy. She’s fought men, and killed men in the Greyjoy name, which is more than he can say for Theon who has fought alongside Robb and the Starks. Therefore, Theon holds little sway with his father, and Balon refuses to be handed his former crown as Lord of the Iron Islands and wishes to pay for it with “the iron price”—winning it in battle. it will be interesting to see the power struggle between Theon and Yara now as he tries to gain back his father’s favor. But how can he ever be seen as a Greyjoy when he has called Robb brother?

Dragonstone

Another aspiring king and his subjects also must cope with changing tides, as Stannis prepares to take on all comers, including his younger brother, Renly. We gain some more insight into the man who is Stannis’ right hand, Ser Davos Seaworth. Seaworth, a former smuggler, negotiates with pirate Salladhor Saan (played the first major black actor of the series, Lucian Msamati). Like Robb, Stannis will need a formidable navy if he wants to challenge the Lannister forces, and Salladhor can provide that. Davos promises all the Lannister gold and loosely promises the queen as well. Davos’ son, who has drank the Kool-Aid about Melisandre’s fire god, is appalled that he would treat a woman as a prize, but Salladhor cheekily observes, “The only true God is between a woman’s legs.” Kinda sketchy, but is he a pirate. Plundering is his thing. Davos also seems skeptical of Melisandre’s God, saying that the only loyalty he pledges is to men who win in battle. Therefore, Stannis is his God.

Davos might have reason to question his faith though as Melisandre asserts herself into Stannis’ inner circle. The fiery-haired priestess convinces Stannis that if he wants to better his odds in battle he must give himself completely to the Lord of the Light. Aggravated, Stannis complains that he’s already burned the idols and recited the chants, what else does he have to do? Well, apparently it please the Lord of the Light for him to make love to his prophet on his war room strategy table. And as the wooden ships fall to the floor, you can’t help but chuckle at the obvious metaphor that Stannis’ military prowess will diminish now that he’s been seduced by not only Melisandre but her faith as well.

The Red Waste

Things are looking bleak for our Queen of the Dragons as she and her khalasar are wasting away in the desert waiting for word from her bloodriders. Just when Ser Jorah thinks he spots hope on the horizon, it turns out it is Rokharo’s horse returning with his bloodied head in a satchel. Jorah surmises that it must have been one of the khals sending a message that they do not approve of a khaleesi leading a khalasar. Daenerys promises to build him a grand funeral pyre so that his soul may pass to The Night Lands, the afterlife that gives the episode its title.

Beyond the Wall

Still lodging at Craster’s home, Samwell Turly admires his daughters as they walk away. He’s even bold enough to put the moves on one of them, Gilly, as the direwolf Ghost growls at her. She calls him brave and Samwell’s immediately smitten. He runs to Jon Snow and asks for his help in sneaking her out with the Watch. She fears for her child who will either be born a daughter and become another trophy wife, or be born a son and…well we’re asked to fill in the rest. Jon smartly replies that it would be impossible and too much of a risk considering they’ll need Wilding support going forward. However, the episode ends with Jon detecting a baby wailing in the night. When he goes to investigate, he sees a baby being sacrificed to a white walker by Craster himself. I figured sons were sacrificed, but that’s just about the coldest possible way to dispose of them. Then before he can turn back, he’s grabbed from behind by Craster and we’re left to mull of over the potential implications.

Across the Seven Kingdoms and elsewhere, friends and enemies alike are confronting their fates and staring death, a.k.a The Night Lands in the face. Some, like Stannis, are signing away their souls to mystical entities, some like Theon must prove to their House that they are worthy, and some like Arya and Gendry and Tyrion must prove that they have the wherewithal to use their unique set of skills in gaining the upper hand against the forces that oppose them. Who will be most equipped when winter comes? My instinct tells me it is whoever can inspire the most men to join their cause. As Tyrion tells Cersei, “her people” may not mean much to her, but it is through their adoration and allegiance that they can establish their legitimacy. Whether by the sword, or the tongue ,or by magic, whichever king has the most men backing him will win this epic clash. Though it may have cost Ned his life, honor is valuable currency in times of war. Tyrion recognizes this when he insults Janos, “I’m not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I’m denying its existence.” The ability to win over hearts and minds seems to favor Tyrion, but already we see how quickly circumstances can change as pieces slowly begin to move along the board.

Despite a lack of forward momentum, this was another great episode including a cohesive message of adjusting to the changing political climates and superb writing—save some laughable “exposition”—that produced a ton of quotable material. The richest characters get richer, and new characters feel like old buddies as they swiftly change the game. For expanding the universe without getting bogged down in the details, GoT continues its ascendancy towards greatness.

Sofia Vergara is hosting “Saturday Night Live” this weekend with featured musical guest One Direction.

The Colombian actress is excited to be on SNL, according to Access Hollywood.

“I’m very happy, very excited because I never thought I was going to be part of that TV show,” said Sofia. “I think it’s an American tradition. It’s a TV show that the whole world knows, so for me, it’s an honor to be part of that group of actors that are known for their excellence.”

While the “Modern Family” vixen is ready for any task the cast throws at her, she’s in the dark as to what characters they’ll ask her to play on the famed NBC late night sketch show.

“I don’t know yet what they have in mind,” she told Access. “I’m going to go to New York a week before Saturday and we rehearse and they come up with the sketches, so, it’s like a whole week of work.”

Vergara’s performance isn’t the only thing to watch out for tonight. This is the show’s first episode back after a month-long hiatus, meaning that the cast and creatives have had time to relax, rejuvenate, and think up sketch ideas that don‘t involve Kristen Wiig talking like a Howard Hawks character. We’re also going to be treated to performances by tween dreams One Direction, a group that hearkens back to the good old days of non-theatening, manufactured boy bands.

Sofia Vergara has sharpened her comedic skills on the set of “Modern Family” and judging from the promotional videos for her episode, will be taking full advantage of her sex-symbol image and Colombian accent.

Vergara has been honored for her television work. She was nominated for two Emmys and two Golden Globes for her role as the second, younger wife of extended family patriarch Jay Pritchett, played by Ed O’Neill, and mother of Manny Delgado, played by Rico Rodriguez, on “Modern Family.” The ABC comedy series has won two Emmys for Outstanding Comedy Series.

“‘Modern Family’ has been the best thing that has ever happened to me professionally,” said Vergara. “I’ve had the career that I never, ever, even dreamed about, even though it was hard because of my accent and because of the way I look. I really, really have to be thankful.”

A desperate Nick (Jake Johnson) is schooled by Schmidt (Max Greenfield) on how to kick a woman out of bed.

It’s been a long, long time coming, but everything that occurs in sitcom darkness must eventually come to the light…

“Everyone finds out” episodes are a staple of the sitcom nowadays. The array of ridiculous and irrational responses end up completing justifying why the guilty parties sneaked around and never ever wanted to tell anyone, ever. It also provides us with a non-stop laugh riot as the uninformed slowly become aware and one by one the capacity to accept this upsetting new reality escalates into pure madness. Say what you will about “Friends,” but the NBC comedy mega-hit paved the way for the ensemble “hang-out comedies” of this generation. That, and workplace comedies, seem to be the pervasive trend, and “Friends” definitely sketched the blue print.

Secret romantic trysts between the core characters were business as usual on “Friends” and the “Everyone finds out” episodes are some of the most memorable and hilarious ones from their 10-season run. The butt of the joke, almost without fail was David Schwimmer’s Ross Gellar. Schwimmer was the slapstick king on that set and he redefined the limits of overreaction. He could yell and experience frightening emotional shifts with the best of them and the unpredictability of just how poorly he might take it when, say, his sister and his best friend are sleeping together, or when his ex-wife Rachel and his other best friend Joey start testing the romantic waters, were masterful in how utterly absurd he could be without ever seeming outside the realm of possibility.

That said, “New Girl’s” choice to reveal the powerful secret to everyone in the loft within the first five minutes was bold, but resulted in some comedic genius. And yet at points it was detrimental. Nick’s “sweatback” was gross and peculiar, so totally in sync with who Nick is, as were his per usual facial contortions. Pain is a great look comedically for actor Jake Johnson. Jess, on the other hand, fluctuated between petty and hilariously inappropriate. Zooey Deschanel can’t shoulder all the blame for this because her motivations, aside from the obvious shock, are never explicitly conveyed or are fused with that of the guys’. We never doubt for a second that Nick and Winston’s world is rocked mostly out of envy. Schmidt is banging a supermodel. Wow, that made me angry just to type that, and Schmidt is neither my friend nor real! Add in their perception that his sexual past makes him at least a partially deplorable human being, and the least deserving of supermodel sex, and it’s enough to damage their collective psyches for years.

Jess’ anger was harder to grasp. Since she’s not in lesbian love with Cece (actually that would have been a hell of a twist) so that rules out jealousy. She can certainly be mad about the violation of trust (and space since they’ve done it in a smattering of locations within her apartment including her bed “that one time”), but she portrays it as if it were a personal affront, an unwritten promise between them that was blatantly broken. There was a point where I thought they were going the weak route of “girl code” when Jess makes the snippy remark that she’s “limbering up in case I wanna sleep with one of your roommates.” As a line and a burn it was raunchy and classic, but as a motivation for her disgust it fell on the petty side. Where they ended up, with Jess feeling their bond as friends had been diminished because Cece didn’t come to her, was more earnest, and yet a breeding ground for hilarity as we came to find out.

Casting aside character quibbles for now, let’s take a moment to celebrate the sheer brilliance of last night’s Laugh Out Loud Lines. Obviously, the cream of the crop will be covered below, but Winston had his best episode so far and may have stolen the MVP. The return of Theodore K. Mullins and Schmidt schooling Nick in the art of douchebaggery were incredibly well-done and exemplified how much fun this show has been having. I loved Winston’s bit of meta-commentary,”This is definitely one of the stranger things we’ve done.” Whether it was Schmidt using his imaginary blackboard, Nick surmising that the acronym S.S.V was “Short, Simple, Vagina,” (The V is supposed to be Vague) or Winston’s episode-long struggle to come to terms with the cruel world that would allow Schmidt the privilege of sleeping with Cece, the guys ran a non-stop sprint, never faltering, and cruised past the girls this week.

Although it’s the B-plot, let’s delve a bit deeper into Nick’s dilemma. Since Schmidt has been to the mountaintop (or as he calls her, the Hindu temple), Nick reluctantly begins to acknowledge that he actually respects Schmidt’s prowess as a ladykiller. It’s a painful scene to watch as Schmidt seizes the control, and in true douche fashion, never lets go. Nick’s relinquishing of control, an agreement to study under Schmidt, stems from his crucial error of not turning the ringer off his phone while he’s entertaining another lady friend. See, since Dirk’s soiree, a tidal wave of 21 year-old girls have been throwing themselves at Nick. In characteristic fashion, he’s unable to enjoy because of all the stress it has induced trying to keep up. So when he throws his phone at the wall to avoid his college-age conquest’s jealousy, Schmidt sees him hit this rock bottom and takes him under his wings.

The results, as one might expect, are awesome. Schmidt starts by conditioning Nick into becoming a better liar and escape artist. He tests Schmidt in the arena of pillow talk, of course lying in bed beside him. Nick strains to be cold to the “woman” he just had sex with, but Schmidt insists that he’ll just continue to run into similar traps if he doesn’t embrace his inner jerk. My favorite part still, is when Jess comes in, her face starting to twitch and she stutters, “Is this happening now too?” The idea that Schmidt has scarred Jess for laugh had me in stitches. Does that make me a bad person? However, the real kicker is when Jess demands a honesty policy be implemented in the loft and it backfires miserably. While she’s been harboring some of the petty crimes that the men commit against each other, what they disclose to her is slightly more horrifying. Apparently, in some form or another, all three of them have pictured Jess while “self-completing.” I died. Not only is the term, “self-completing” a delightful turn of phrase, but Winston’s masturbatory fantasy was that she had raccoon hands. “Oh they were DIGGING through that garbage.”

Thankfully, the escalation continues. Jess’ main beef is that Cece hasn’t been honest. She’s kept so much from her for fear of her judgment that their friendship seems built on a foundation of lies. So, Cece vindictively rattles off all of her previously unheard stories. There’s the time she slept with the arms dealer, the time she told Jess that she had whiter feet just to make her feel better, and the time she saw the movie “My Girl” with Jessica P. before she saw it with her. The best line delivery of the night may have come from Deschanel when she followed with “JESSICA FREAKING P!” Chaos ensues on the other side of the loft too when two of Nick’s one night stands meet and one is wearing the other’s scarf.

This causes Winston to stomp out from his room and bellow with a God-like command for everyone to SIT…DOWN. All business, he calms everyone down, plays the consummate nanny and leaves all the grievances on the table (I still want to see more of of him with the kid!). But the gem of a performance comes when he does Nick a solid and gets both of the girls to leave when he channels “The Negro Spiritual” and pronounces that he is Theodore K. Mullins, Nick’s lover on the down low, “Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we’re all the same.” I almost cried I cracked up so hard. I have been waiting almost the entire season for Winston to get his chance to shine, and he killed it. All four of the roommates are finally, fully figured out. We know who they are, what their role in the loft is, and they all serve their respective comedic niches beautifully.

The affair’s fallout culminates at the 10K charity run. Nick embraces his inner player and conjures up the excuse of a family emergency for why he neglected to call one hookup, and for the other he rationalizes that he had forgotten to mention he slept with her roommate because “They had a moment so intense I thought we were the only two people on Earth” *Slow clap* Gotta hand it to him, not too shabby. Jess, who is winded almost instantly, stumbles over to Cece where she goes all psychoanalyst and reads Cece’s reticence to tell her as an attempt to hide herself from the truth that she legitimately likes Schmidt. It was also a nice touch that what tipped her off was Schmidt’s “See Cece Run” t-shirt. It’s a messy resolution to say the least, and Jess never apologizes for flipping out, but that could have been the dehydration sucking the manners out of her, I suppose. Still, she was mad rude.

While Zooey Deschanel definitely put on an impressive display of physical comedy chops, she didn’t carry this episode like a David Schwimmer would’ve. So when Cece and Jess are bickering and running around their issues (literally in the case of the charity run), the episode dragged a bit. But when the roommates’ inflated personalities are bouncing off each other, it’s a sight to behold. Some of Jess’ best scenes happen when she unleashes her rage upon the guys, and for once she becomes the most mature person in the room. Well, until she oddly responds to their sickening behavior by sporting winter wear, but these things are bound to happen in “Everyone finds out” episodes.

For affirming my belief that this show was on the trajectory to become one of the most fun shows to drop in on, I want to give this one an A. Winston and Nick’s performances alone sold me, but Schmidt’s gloating and glee as a professor of douchebag studies was icing on the cake. However, as mentioned, those three fellows ran a much smoother relay. The Jess and Cece conflict should have played second fiddle, so the episode labors in the last leg like Cece dragging Jess across the finish line. Though we end on a sweeter, stronger bond with Schmidt holding Cece to his rigid kitchen standards,criticizing her shoddy workmanship, while we know Cece is still harboring the secret that she no longer dreads these moments of togetherness. “Secrets” achieved the highest highs so far, but I cannot be dishonest and say I was wholly blown away. B+.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- “Good thing I’m a quiet breather. I learned that playing “Who passed out?” with my mom. My mom always won.”

- “Can we take a moment to celebrate me? I mean Schmidt really did it this time. I’m having Indian every night.”

- Winston: “Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry.” Jess: “Two moons have passed!”

- “For what it’s worth, I think what I did was really brave.”

- “Since my 20′s, I’ve had a string of lesser paramours that like weathered stone steps have led me to the Hindu Temple. A.k.a Cece. Because she’s Indian.”

- Nick: “Schmidt, I need you to teach me…how to be a douchebag.” Schmidt: “Let’s get to work!” Winston: “What’s happening with the world!”

- Schmidt helping nick practice lying to women: “Hey, what happened to your phone?” Nick: “Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speedboat. The environment. Bears. Family. Magic. I need your help. Schmidt.”

- “Jess I had to give it a try. That was the same hand that was inside Elmo!”

- “Can you say the following words? ‘The ice roads are too dangerous. You’re gonna have to turn back, chief.’”

- “That sports bra is doing God’s work.”

- “My shoes are filled with blood. Ha!”

- End credits sequence where Winston tries to seek reason for why Cece would pick Schmidt: “Are you working for the government?” “Is he holding you against your will? If he is, blink twice. *Blows into her face*” “Are you tired of being turned on?

Barbara Hershey stars as the mother who turns her daughter, Regina (Lana Parilla), into a wicked queen.

Well, there you have it, folks. The question that OUAT has insisted you have been begging for an answer to “why does The Evil Queen (EQ) hate Snow White so gosh darn much?” has FINALLY been answered! Rumpelstiltskin be praised! And what gift of enlightenment have our overlord writers bestowed upon us meager humans?

*Clears throat*

EQ used to be a delightful girl Regina who loved to ride horses bareback, and her mother was less than encouraging of her choices in recreation because they weren’t bringing her any closer to snagging a rich, upper class husband. But the reason she hasn’t gotten married is she is in love with the stable boy. Likes riding bareback, indeed. Anyway, Regina (her name in Fairy Tale Land too, I guess) doesn’t trust her mom, Cora (Barbara Hershey, amping up her camp factor) will approve since marrying him would be a step down on the social ladder.

Cut to Regina riding her beloved horse through the hillside after a a secret rendezvous with Daniel, the horse poop-scooping hunk, and suddenly a horse whizzes past with a little girl holding onto the reins for dear life. Regina rescues the child and the girl thanks her repeatedly for saving her life. They exchange pleasantries and—BOOM!—it’s a young Snow White.

I’ll just leave that tantalizing bit of mindf**k dangling there. Meanwhile, in Storybrooke, we’re transported a week into the past where Gold feeds Regina the plan to frame Snow for Kathryn’s murder. The only tidbit that I found revelatory was that the goal is not incarceration. Since they can’t jail her in the modest cells at the Sheriff’s office, she would have to be transported to some correctional facility outside of Storybrooke. But anyone who leaves Storybrooke, croaks. Also, Gold planted that key, as insurance, so that if she tried to flee, it would yield the same result. I knew that Gold was involved and guessed he was the Machiavellian mind behind it all, but there had to have been a more eloquent way to dump that information without an abrupt flashback.

At any rate, Regina stops by for a visit to Mary Margaret’s cell, just to rub her face in her misery. I dug that Regina was showing her vengeful self in a more sinister way, because usually she’s just twirling her mustache throwing banana peels in front of Emma. Her taunting felt more human, more grounded in bitterness. Whether that cold worldview is justified by the fairyback is something I’ll debate strongly, but it was good to see Regina as less of a prankster of more of a heartless woman out to deprive others of the happiness that was ripped from her.

Alan Dale also makes an appearance as District Attorney Spencer (not sure how this is an appropriate alter ego to King George, but whatever) to conduct a pre-trial interview of Mary Margaret. He grills her about how angry she must have been when Kathryn slapped her in public, and Mary starts off calm, sure that she didn’t want Kathryn “gone.” After recounting the ways in which her reputation was ruined though, Mary cracks. It fell pretty short of the realism achieved in “Law and Order” interrogations, but that’s mostly OUAT operating out of its comfort zone.

Grateful that Snow was saved from being trampled by her own horse (one of the most undignified ways to die), King Leopold uses Regina’s heroism as an excuse to cure his loneliness and proposes to the unsuspecting young lady. This was one instance where I flat out refused to suspend disbelief. I sympathize with a father who wants his kid to grow up with a mom. Hell, I even can feel for a man who misses a woman’s touch. What man doesn’t, like, all the time. But he has NEVER seen her in his life, didn’t even buy her dinner first, and lets face it—all she did was what any decent human being would do! Maybe we wouldn’t have been as flashy about it, but if I saw a kid clinging to a wild horse I would certainly call the police. So because she’s decent, and available, she’s it! I can forgive fairy tale contrivances like magic or fate, or true love (well, because that’s real, duh), but not behavior that disregards all logic and reason. If Leopold were high off his ass, maybe. Otherwise, no. Obviously, the ladder-climbing mother accepts the proposal.

Immediately, Regina runs to Daniel, the wannabe Brokeback Mountain man, and implores that they run away together. Considering you can’t say no to King Leopold, and her mother would surely use her powers (Oh yeah, she can  shoot stuff from her hands too) to keep the arrangement intact. Then Daniel proposes himself and as they lock lips to seal their union, and Snow stumbles into the stable. Indignant about what she’s witnessed she makes a mad dash for the woods and eventually Regina catches up. She schools Snow on true love and the kid perks up at the idea of such a powerful magic and swears she will keep her secret.

Speaking of powerful magic, what kind of sorcery did the casting department use to find a kid who looks so remarkably like Ginnifer Goodwin? And it doesn’t stop at an uncanny likeness. She nails the mannerisms, the expressions, even her speech patterns. It’s as if she studied Goodwin for months in preparation. Gotta hand it to them, they either lucked out big time or, someone in casting needs a significant raise. Bravo to this impressive young actress, Bailey Madison!

Emma’s investigation hits a snag, and August swings by and sees that she’s “grasping at straws.” He then starts into an awfully pedantic, but surprisingly astute lecture. He likens her detective skills to his writing: “If you get stuck, go back and reread, you might find a nugget of inspiration in what you’ve already done.” Emma acknowledges his wisdom and decides that with her new perspective she should visit the scene of the crime. Lo and behold, at the hole where Red dug up Kathryn’s heart she finds a shard from a shovel and bets it’s Regina’s. With Henry as inside man—a stellar moment of comedy is when he uses his Operation: Cobra code words and Emma admits, “Uh, I left my codebook at home”—she matches the shard to the shovel, but in painfully predictable fashion, when she comes back with a search warrant (the parameters of which are clearly fabricated) the shovel is missing. Shocker! Emma suspects August, her accomplice, squealed and he’s rightfully offended, but I feel like most viewers, myself included, knew that there were eyes and ears somewhere that tipped Regina off.

Then after some pressure from Cora whining about how she and Regina have drifted apart, the inevitable occurs. Reasoning that Regina shouldn’t lose her mother like she did, Snow divulges the secret upon which Regina’s future wrath hinges upon. Just as Regina is about to ride off into the night with Daniel, the horse and lady whisperer, Cora storms into the stable ready to shut it down. Regina pleads and pleads for her to be a loving parent and put her happiness first. It sure seems like a futile effort to argue with someone who says things like, “After all the sacrifices I’ve made!” and “It’s not your life, it’s mine!” Still, the couple falls for her calm and suddenly supportive demeanor. And as she relaying advice to Daniel about parenthood, she goes all barbarian and rips his heart out, crushing it into sand. She won’t console her daughter either, ranting instead about how “love is weakness, but power endures.”

This cutthroat attitude carries over to Storybrooke where Regina relishes in victory making Mary Margaret beg for her freedom. As I’ve already mentioned, this is the real-world evil I was hoping for, wielding her influence to make her enemies whimper in submission. It was the first time that I was sort of excited by her shenanigans, though I wish she was actually more in control since Gold could easily make the whole apparatus crumble from under her with how much she has depended on him. The showstopping moment is when she wipes away Mary Margaret’s tears as she screams that she’s innocent and doesn’t deserve this. Regina’s comforting words? “Oh I know, but you do deserve this.” Damn, it’s chilly in here.

In the coda to EQ’s evolution, she’s being fitted for her wedding gown and Snow says she’ll look beautiful for Daniel. The lightbulb goes off, and she asks Snow if she told her mother. In rare villainous form, she hides her disdain and assures Snow she isn’t mad. Under her breath she snarls, “I should have let her die on that horse.” As vital as it is for EQ to turn her vengeance upon Snow, I wanted real reason to question the princess’ squeaky clean image. I mean, although it was “true love,” her real-world counterpart is a mistress. Let’s give Snow some imperfections! Instead, she’s duped by Cora into believing she can trust her with the information. She’s still an innocent and does not deserve this crusade to destroy her. Cora deserves that and more! But EQ’s motivations for not turning on her mother are never explained. I assume some FTL equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome where the victim sympathizes with the aggressor, but that wasn’t on screen and it should be if this is the impetus for, well, everything that has happened.

In the final scenes, my suspicions were confirmed. Sidney Glass hid a bug in a vase he delivered to the sheriff’s office, which I remember seemed random, but it was subtle enough that I did forget about it, so well played, OUAT. Completely out of the blue though was the reveal of an alive Kathryn appearing in the alley behind Granny’s! I guess that means no more trial, which means no more bogus attempts at a legal drama, and tons of possibilities concerning how Gold pulled it off. He has to be the one behind her reappearance, right? He mentioned he could still “perform some miracles” to Emma.While I have my apprehensions about another character being motivated to do evil in the name of lost love, there were moments where I found myself unwillingly sucked in.

By surprising me with elevations in Lana Parilla’s performance, promise in Eion Bailey’s turn as August, the mysterious writer, and catching me off guard with the final twist, OUAT was able to balance out the absurdity of the fairyback where motivations did not match the vicious tone. For talking me off the ledge with trickery, OUAT effectively creates what Cora suggests may be the “fading illusion” of true love possessing the magic necessary to bring the show back from the depths.

Lord Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) returns and the realm is at war, with five kings competing in the "Game of Thrones."

Winter has come, my friends.

Now if you’re not already a rabid fan of this show or the series of books it’s based on, “A Song of Fire and Ice” by George R.R Martin, a reference such as that (a playful evocation of the motto of Winterfell) might confuse you. And while I would love to help usher in a new wave of fans to geek out with, this drama requires a commitment to the material like none before. Honestly, although I’m elated that HBO has stuck with it because of improbably good ratings, it shouldn’t be as successful as it is. Sprawling fantasy, as most understand it, is the realm for nerds with nothing better to do than pretend they are knights at the proverbial round table. But in 2011, ”Game of Thrones” helped alter that perception and revealed how badass swordplay, magic, and power grabbing could be.

David Benioff and D.B Weiss were tasked with bringing the elaborate vision of George R.R Martin to the small screen as Peter Jackson had done at the multiplex with J.R.R Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” (Wow, I’m just now noticing the R.R thing? An homage?). And it’s as daunting to take in as a viewer as it must be to translate such grandeur into 50-minute chances. But Benioff and Weiss don’t dumb down, nor do they handhold for anyone who missed the epic first season. And unfortunately neither can I. For the sake of space and regular sleep patterns, I won’t be able to recap what happened last year in thorough detail, though I will reference some pivotal events that occurred. So for those who are newcomers be weary of SPOILERS as we go forward. And for those who have read the source material, PLEASE do not reveal any plot elements not covered on the show in the comments. I have not read ANY of the books yet!

Now, with all that housekeeping out of the way, let’s dig in to the unrest in Westeros.

For those in the know, the events of this season are contained in Martin’s second book in the series, A Clash of Kings. There are five “kings” vying for the Iron Throne. The validity of each claim is for you to decide, but due to the rashness of the sitting king, Joffrey, the others have sprung into war to unseat him. Since there’s some new faces in the crowd, and we skip from location to location during the episode, we shall journey around the map here as well, to check in.

King’s Landing

At the capital, Joffrey is still the bloodthirsty, spoiled brat we left in season one. It’s his Name Day (a Westerosi version of birthdays) and for his amusement, his imposing personal guard, The Hound, is vanquishing knight after knight. Sansa, the poor soul, has to watch countless men slain after witnessing her father decapitated at the immature king’s behest not too long ago. But she politely watches the spectacle, dutifully responding to his whims with a “Your Grace” every time. She falls out of line once to save a knight’s life when the young bully orders his men to drown him in wine. She suggests that it would be bad luck to kill a man on his Name Day, and The Hound (who has shown pity for Sansa in the past) agrees. Therefore, the clumsy and tipsy knight is spared, but demoted to be Joffrey’s fool.

Much to my delight, Lord Tyrion returns from the battlefield (likely not from fighting, but from the battlefield nonetheless)! Arguably the lead of the show now that Sean Bean’s Ned Stark was offed, now Emmy and Golden Globe winner Peter Dinklage asserts himself from the jump, delivering nearly all the best lines. He immediately undercuts his nephew with quips like, “We looked for you on the battlefield, and you were nowhere to be found.” And when Joffrey defends himself with, “I’ve been here, ruling the kingdoms!” Tyrion sarcastically replies with, “And what a fine job you’ve done.”

He continues his tour of humiliation by interrupting a meeting of the the council where much to his sister (and Joffrey’s mother) Cersei’s dismay, their father, Tywin Lannister, has granted Tyrion the position of Hand to the King, while he commands the Lannister forces in battle. Tyrion assures her he only plans to advise the twerp, but we know that of all the self-minded brutes across the Seven Kingdoms, Tyrion is the trickiest to pin down when considering his motives. He berates his sister because they’ve lost track of the other Stark girl, Arya, who they could use when bargaining for their brother Jamie’s life. More on him later.

Winterfell

At the home country of the Starks, the young and newly crippled Bran is reigning Lord. Though he is as impatient as any child, he embodies the same honor his father possessed and seems to rule fairly with the aid of Maester Luwin. He continues to have prophetic dreams where he takes the form of his direwolf and his Wildling woman prisoner suggests there’s something special about them. You think? The only other note is that he notices a red comet streaking across the sky. He’s heard a rumor that it’s a symbol from the Old Gods of the blood spilt when his father was beheaded. But as he rides piggyback on the half-giant oaf, Hodor, the Wilding woman suggests it’s an indicator that dragons have returned, which even the youngster scoffs at. There haven’t been dragons for centuries! Which brings us to….

The Red Waste

Here we meet up with our favorite submissive Dothraki khaleesi, turned Queen of the Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen. With a loyal Dothraki hoard behind her, and Ser Jorah Mormont as her advisor, Daenerys treks across the hot, barren landscape hoping to stumble upon a civilization. She would also like some dragon food to feed her triplets, but the desert doesn’t seem to have any supermarkets. Can I just remark on how awesome it is that there’s a legitimate TV drama with CGI dragons? Sick nasty I say! Sick nasty! Anyway, Ser Jorah says they have to keep heading east otherwise to the south. “The Lamb People” will surely slaughter them. So she sends three loyal riders out separately in search of any friendly people who might be a tasty snack for her fire-breathing babies. And you know, if they have shelter that would be sweet too.

Something I picked up on too, Daenerys seemed to be making eyes at one particular rider, Rakharo. Yeah, I get that she’s vulnerable after her king hubby, Khal Drago, died from complications of a sword wound and black magic, BUT how long has she been mourning? I hope the grieving process is prolonged for at least a few more episodes before they inevitably get it on and actress Emilia Clarke is once again exposed. Because, why not?

North of the Wall

For a territory described with such dread last season, our first foray into the great unknown was mostly filled with whimsy. We meet the hilarious and hospitable master of incest, Craster (Robert Pugh) who provides the Night’s Watch with a resting place and some key intel. Our good friend and bastard son of Ned Stark, Jon Snow, is in search of his uncle Benjen Stark and has witnessed firsthand the return of the storied White Walkers, a sort of snow-covered zombie. Craster, when he’s not paranoid that one of the sex-deprived Men of the Black will have their way with one of his many daughter-wives, warns them that Mance Rayder, a deserter of the Night’s Watch has proclaimed himself King Beyond the Wall and assembled a formidable army. Then he makes some outlandish old man comment about how Jon Snow is prettier than most of his daughters and wonders if he has a “wet tw*t” between his legs. I’m not sure how I feel about this Westeros equivalent of a redneck, but I’ll admit that I laughed, and even mildly agreed with him that the Night’s Watch got the short end: a sexless life of service while he has a cozy cabin and all the girls he wants. Granted, they’re all his spawn and it’s creepy as all hell, but it’s a living, right? Yeah, no, it’s just wrong.

Dragonstone

Ou first new locale! And by proxy, the area that produces the most new faces. I’ll mention the few that are essential, according to experts of the books. Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane), is the BMOC (Big Man on Campus), and a legendary commander. He also fled his brother Robert’s kingdom and fled to this set of islands on the eastern side of Westeros. What little we gather is that he is a calculated, stoic, and precise man who bickers with his scribe over the wording of his letter of intent to the Seven Kingdoms. He refuses to call his deceased brother “beloved,” and though he’s an SOB, he insists Jamie Lannister still bear his title “Ser” since he is a knight after all. He has been informed by raven (the high-tech deliver system employed in these parts) that Ned uncovered the truth about Joffrey’s illegitimate right to the throne. Robert Baratheon is not his father, rather Jamie Lannister is! Making his mother Cersei his aunt-momma and Jamie his uncle-daddy, and we’re all puking in out mouths a bit. With this news, Stannis readies his troops to claim his title by birthright, according to rule of succession.

However, he may have a major roadblock on his own team in the seductive fire priestess, Melisandre. See, she worships neither the Old or New Gods, but some crazy other god, R’hllor. Now, I’m all for religious tolerance, but she has Stannis burning effigies of the Seven New Gods and pulling out a flaming sword. Then she dubs him Lord of the Light and his advisors are worrying that this chick may be the death of him. She’s Lady Macbeth with dark sorcery.

So his main man, Ser Davos Seaworth agrees with Maester Cressen that it might be time to pull the guy aside and tell him that this girl has changed him. But like most buddies, they don’t wanna piss off their pal. So Maester Cressen says, Hey, what if I just poison her? That will end this whole mess and we go back to how things were. Ehh, it ends up a failed suicide mission. Evidently, piety has granted the priestess imperviousness to poison. He bleeds out from his nose and perishes, and she stares into soul knowingly. And that’s the end of that mutiny! Her over-the-top line, “The night is dark and full of terrors, old man. But the fire burns them all away,” is spoken which such malice (The first part, “Night…terrors” is repeated by others throughout the episode) it frightened me to my core. She’s ruthless like Daenerys without needing sexual empowerment, and, well, all evil. Love it, and can’t wait to see what kind of mess she stirs up for Stannis during his conquest.

Robb Stark’s camp

We learn some important bullet points from our visit to the Northern bannermens’ campsite. Robb Stark, though he doesn’t fully trust the men he’s leading into battle, has won their loyalty and three consecutive battles. He taunts Jamie Lannister with this, saying, “It’s better than three defeats,” and leaves his humungous direwolf to play with him. He also makes his intentions clear to a Lannister cousin who will relay his terms to the enemy. 1. His sisters will be released into his custody. 2. The bones of his father will be returned to him and buried in the crypt below Winterfell along with the bodies of all who died in service to him. 3. The North shall be a free and independent country. If any of these terms are violated, “the South shall be littered with Lannister dead.”

Robb, whose propensity for leadership would surely make his dad proud (Oh Ned! You were so honorable, but so stupid! Sorry, I’m still mourning), has a couple alliances as options. Theon Greyjoy, ward of the Starks suggests aligning with his house, the Greyjoys since they have the naval fleet take take King’s Landing. This plan does not go over well with Robb’s mother and widow, Catelyn Stark who remembers their treason, though Robb points out that now they’re the rebels. Robb instead commands she butter up Renly Baratheon (the youngest brother of Robert) so that they might join forces. I’m itching to see Robb in battle after learning of his accomplishments, but for now this military strategy and politicking is tiding me over. All hail The King of the North!

Back to King’s Landing…

Oh boy. Well, Tyrion has brought his whore, Shae to the capital and she’s umm…enjoying the smells? I don’t know, she’s a peculiar prostitute. And the conniving Petyr Baelish almost talks himself into an execution when he mocks Cersei’s incestual relationship after she insulted his upbringing. Petyr had sniped that “Knowledge is power,” but with the City Watch under her command she strongly disagrees that “Power is Power.” She spares Baelish and assigns him to finding the escaped Arya Stark. But even her power has its limits. Her supplanting bites her in the ass a bit when she slaps Joffrey for insinuating that his father (well who he thinks is his father, Robert) slept around because she couldn’t satisfy him.

Afterwards, Joffrey reminds her that the transgression is normally punishable by death, putting Mom in her place. Then his rage boils over and he commands the systematic slaying of all his (supposed) father’s bastard children. Though off-screen, the gruesome rampage comes to a head when a whaling baby is sliced. It’s the sort of scene that may be “too-far” and it doesn’t help that it happens in a whore house surrounded by naked women, but this sort of brutality is the nature of the world. And though it’s fantasy, the rawness of it is just the sort of no-limits, dark perspective that sells right now. And I admit, I’m buying it.

Despite, as you can tell, an abundance of exposition the intrigue’s overwhelming. The episode ends on the image of the last remaining Baratheon bastard, Gendry, hitching a ride to the Night’s Watch where he’s been recruited. Tagging along is King’s Landing’s Most Wanted: Arya Stark, disguised as a boy, Ary, with the help of Night’s Watch recruiter, Yoren. It’s not a twist for those of us who saw season one’s finale, but we were spoiled last year with some awesome, climactic cappers. So while blood was shed, the blood of innocent children, I was left wanting just a bit more to grasp for next week, but damn if I’m not excited by the direction we’re headed. Whether it’s more of Peter Dinklage’s dangerous wit, expansion of the new characters, or some all-out, armor-clanging warfare, I know it’s gonna be epic.

For exploring every corner of Westeros and leading GoT fans into the “The War of Five Kings” chomping at the bit, I dub thee, season premiere, an A-. But just like the cutthroat games played in their realm, in my reviews…”You win or you die.”

After years of chatter and online rumors, a sequel to the cult comedy favorite Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is confirmed.

Will Ferrell, dressed as newsman Ron Burgundy, broke the news while making a surprise appearance on Conan that thrilled the audience. Ferrell/Burgundy took control of the stage playing a flute solo and explained to Conan O’Brien, ”I like to keep my chops up, jam with the cats here… smoke a little tea afterwards, see if a little backstage Judy ends up on my lap.”

After complimenting O’Brien on his broadcasting skills, Burgundy shared one small criticism with him. “You look awful,” Burgundy said. “You look like someone put a bright red fright wig on a skeleton and chucked it out of a helicopter.”

Burgundy wasn’t just there to play the flute and insult Conan O’Brien. He also had exciting news. “I want to announce this to everyone here in the Americas,” he said. “To my friends, in Spain, Turkey and the U.K., including England… as of 0900 Mountain Time, Paramount Pictures and myself, Ronald Joseph Aaron Burgundy, have come to terms on a sequel for Anchorman. It is official, there will be a sequel to Anchorman.”

Afterwards, Burgundy played a second flute solo. Back in early 2010, Anchorman director and co-writer Adam McKay told MTV News that he expected much of the first movie’s cast to come along for the sequel, including Steve Carell and Paul Rudd, as well as Christina Applegate, David Koechner, Chris Parnell and Fred Willard.

“We had an idea and we contacted Steve and Paul and Koechner and Christina and checked in with everyone and they were all game for it,” McKay said at the time. “It’s a tricky movie because everyone went and did really well after it, so everyone’s prices went up and everyone’s time got a little more valuable. But at the same time, graciously, Steve and Paul and everyone agreed to cut their price to come and do it, which you don’t see very often in Hollywood — and cut their price substantially.”

The original grossed more than $91 million worldwide. Ferrell and McKay will once again co-write for the sequel and McKay will direct again, with production slated to begin at the end of this year for a 2013 release.

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) continues to date the Fancyman, Russell (Dermot Mulroney) despite awkward moments.

Don’t look now, but the “New Girl” on the block has a formidable new posse.

And with the quirkiness and “adorkability” quotient spread out among them, instead of being concentrated in the the tractor beam of Zooey Deschanel’s doe eyes, it has allowed the funny elements—like the Fancyman arc—to permeate. Whereas last week undercut the social class clash with a “the gang needs to grow up” mantra, this week ditched any semblance of social commentary for the latter. Wacky escalations of their resistance to evolution end up providing multiple kicks in the pants.

To start the program, in place of a thought-provoking discussion of the staggering wealth gap, we’re treated to a perhaps equally divisive philosophical question: What do you call it when a man pees with a shirt on, but his pants down?  I found this question hilarious, and the continually impressive group dynamic did not disappoint. Jess thought it would be called a “Tony the Tiger,” but Schmidt points out that Tony only sports a bandana around his neck. Winston says it could be any of the Chipmunks: Alvin, Simon or Theodore. But Schmidt seems to have the final word when he surmises, “Any cartoon bear really, except for Yogi, who is just a bear with a tie.”

This scene set the tone for the rest of the episode for me. Though Nick and Jess (and Nick’s law school buddy, Dirk) would be in one setting, and Winston, Cece and Schmidt would occupy another, the thematic tie of this Fancyman epic brought out the best in all of them. And when you have this makeshift family on a collision course to confront an issue it seems to encourage a comedic one-upsmanship among the actors, which coaxed out a gem with a laughs per minute rival to “The Story of the 50″ while challenging “Jess and Julia” in the progress department.

As I alluded to, Dirk (played by bit-part showstopper Martin Starr), has come to visit the loft and Nick seems to be the only one who sees any redeeming qualities within him. Dirk’s a pseudo-acadamic, whose lecture on the link between Dylan Thomas and Bob Dylan said nothing and yet knocked the socks off his undergraduate students. Although, I was unclear if he was the professor of the stereotypically thick-headed coeds, or if he just called himself Professor because he’s a “degree collector” according to Nick. Jess finds him particularly creepy, put off by his lady scarves and his sexual advances equally.

Cece then storms in and after a skeezey come-on by Dirk, Cece admits to seeing someone, whom we all know is Schmidt. So, he takes it to heart when Dirk insinuates that Cece prefers her relationship because she is the boss and her man is the submissive “sex-retary.” One thing you can’t deny about Dirk, he may essentially be a pretentious bum, but he does read people effectively. Therefore, when Cece throws herself and a granola bar at him, begging to add something called “The Horse Trough” (this prospect both excited and scared the crap out of me) to their sexual repertoire, Schmidt is for once not in the mood. Cece summons her “girls” (coincidentally actress Hannah Simone does have it going on in the chest area, and pulls off her role as a supermodel convincingly) to settle the argument. Schmidt calls them Harold and Kumar (tee hee). And although I’m sure the pair has squashed many a squabble, Schmidt only reminisces on the many zany adventures they’ve had, but insists he can’t go to White Castle.

Winston asks to borrow Schmidt’s car, nay “Manbulance,” (every detail about Schmidt, including his possessions are tailored to perfection) to drive newly anointed girlfriend, Shelby, to the airport. She’s off to Mexico with the girls, and she seems to be searching for a reason not to go. Winston acts the part of supportive boyfriend, but botches the execution by saying, “We could both use some space.” Dirk breaks it down for him post-lecture: when you don’t allow a woman room to move, then it’s hard for her to have sex with other people. But when you give her space to move around, she could be having so much sex. It’s basic, and assumes the worst in women, but his teachings worry Winston to the point of panic.

Then we come to Jess, and the Fancyman saga. Her second date with Russell (Dermot Mulroney) ends awkwardly when he leans in, only to give her an affection-less back pat. On their third date, with the lingering tension from that mishap hanging over her, Jess awkwardly (as she’s prone to act when under pressure) avoids the topic—in the worst and yet funniest way possible—with references to his age, such as how sad it was when the Beatles broke up (he was one) and if he’s gotten his prostate checked (she had her breast exam and it’s all boob in there). After Russell catches on to her antics she blurts out, “Why didn’t you kiss me the other night?” Subsequently, he receives a text and bolts. He leans in again too, but only to leave her $100 for cab fare.

A busy night soldiers on with Cece desperate for some Schmidt-tastic sex. This concerned me slightly, only because this insatiable side is the only we’ve seen, but when she confesses to not wanting to mess with what they have later, those worries were assuaged. Still, I hope that the dimensions of Cece are more defined if the relationship does indeed last. If anything else, it was silly to see such a knockout struggling to seduce Schmidt and come up short. Cece then concedes she will do anything, anywhere. Without hesitation, Schmidt deploys Fantasy Location #3, setting up a reveal that I trusted “New Girl” would follow through.

Dirk attempts to boost Nick’s confidence, claiming he used to melt the panties off girls in law school. “If panties were snow, you were March, bro.” But Nick is painfully out of his element as he reluctantly consents to an afterparty in the loft. When he realizes, however, that twenty-year old girls think he’s awesome just because he knows how to make drinks, he embraces their carefree antics and his inner frat boy comes out to play. He brags to Jess, “I’m Skylar’s Fancyman,” bringing it all full circle with the first part (last episode) where he had admired the pride and prowess of Russell, having not felt that kind of nobility since those collegiate glory days. Even Jess joins in when she returns, depressed that she’s pushing thirty and “will probably die alone.” She escapes into a realm where she reigns as “Flip Queen.” (for my older set, Flip Cup is a drinking game where…well, you flip cups).

After leaving a crazed message, that comes off more creepy than sincere (“I want the air you breathe to be the air I breathe until we’re both inhaling carbon dioxide and we pass out and die”), Winston “borrows” the Manbulance. Now, let’s play a game real fast. Where do you think Fantasy Location #3 is? I’ll wait….Time’s up. If you guessed the trunk of the Manbulance you win! What’s that? Oh, you get nothing, just the satisfaction of—yeah, I let myself down, too. But that twist felt earned to me, because Schmidt would pride himself on having sex in the roomy trunk of his car.

Winston doesn’t discover their presence until a prying border patrolman notices them when Winston crosses back into America after a phone reconciliation with Shelby . I adored the cheesiness of his pleas to win back her affections like, “You make me so brave” and referring to her “soul song.” The sort of nod that black folks don’t talk that different in relationships from white folks was refreshing. I thought a lot of the jokes were as witty as they were sophomoric actually. Also, any time I’m blessed with hearing Lamorne Morris belt out the soundtrack to “Wicked” (which I may, or may not, know well myself) is wonderful. The horror and utter disbelief was sold by Morris as well, and I can already tell next week will be a hilarious reveal for Nick and Jess. Does this mean I need to give them a couple name? How does Schmece (pronounced SHMEE-CEE) sound?

The denial duo get far too plastered before Russell shows up to talk privately with Jess. He selflessly offers rides to some of the young females, and Nick tags along and confirms my past commendations of drunken Nick. But besides that, a small miracle occurs. Dermot Mulroney pulls off potentially the single worst line, on its own, that I’ve ever heard. And yet he delivers it with such charisma, vulnerability, and silver-haired foxiness that even as a straight man I’m sold: “I wanted to kiss you the other night. I wanted to do more than kiss you. I’d like to ‘do’ you at some point. I can really give it to you. But I’ve forgotten how to tell when it’s the right moment. I was nervous.” HOW IN THE WORLD?! If I EVER tried that line out on a woman, I would get slapped so hard I’d consider a lawsuit for pain and suffering and worker’s compensation for all the recovery time necessary. And he, got his kiss. But that’s the timeless allure of Dermot Mulroney for you.

Thanks to Mulroney, and Martin Starr’s static shock-inducing dry wit, this episode reeked of sleaze. But it never felt malicious or threatening, and sort of exuded a humility, a desperation for something, someone, to hold on to. The justification for the Fancyman saga is centered around how it forced everyone involved to grow up. Winston and Shelby and Schmece (I like it) were able to voice what they mean to each other, Jess expressed her concerns that she wasn’t sophisticated enough for Russell (who apparently owns a hot air balloon and a hangar), and Nick will surely have a revelation about the direction of his life once “the poison” has left his body. Speaking of which, Nick panicking post-puke, thinking he was lost in the woods when the car couldn’t have been more than thirty yards behind him, was comedic gold. And I must admit, even sober, I don’t know the answer to his inebriated pondering, “When does a hill become a mountain?”

For sticking the landing on what seemed like a crummy excuse for a two-parter and for executing four separate plots—and intersecting them effortlessly, so that they consolidated into two by the end—that expanded upon the concept of maturation for each of them, I must acknowledge the self-awareness that has been masterfully woven into the fabric of the series. Elizabeth Meriwether and company took what could have been a cash cow, and has made it possibly prize-winning pig—both smart and filthy. As I’d alluded to, it’s up there with the other contenders which narrowly missed a KO, but scored a nothing-to-sneeze-at A-.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- “Guys my age…they just wanna go for the gold. And I’m stingy with my gold, unless they dig for it.”

- Cece: Hey someone left your front door open. Dirk: Someone left your face beautiful.

- “Russell said he runs with the bulls, and quote, not the tourist-y ones in Pamplona, end quote.”

- “If you’re going to seduce me, don’t dress up like my Aunt Frieda at Seder.”

- Undergrad student Skylar to Nick: “You can get me drunk, professionally?”

- “Why is the cast of ‘The Social Network’ in our apartment?”

- Schmidt: So you’re saying you’d rather sit in my urine for the rest of the car ride than admit to Winston we’re sleeping together?  Cece: Yup absolutely don’t even have to think about it.

- Schmidt: That’s a stop sign.  Winston: I think it’s a go sign. Because if someone like you is sleeping with someone like her, then maybe the whole damn world’s upside down.”

- “Look at ‘em! They don’t know what ‘Saved by the Bell’ is and they’ve never felt pain!”

The Mad Hatter (Sebastian Stan) takes his daughter to market in an Alice in Wonderland-themed episode.

This week’s OUAT prompted me to do something it hasn’t often. Think, real hard. I pondered an idea that hadn’t even entered my realm of possibility since the first frames of the pilot. What if…Fairy Tale Land (FTL) doesn’t exist?

I understand it seems like a given, the whole premise of the show centers around The Curse that has imprisoned them in “our world,” but what if that world is just imagination? What if it’s just a memory of a time that never was? “Lost” has tested the boundaries of alternate timelines/dimensions and life and death before, why not now? Heck, what if Storybrooke isn’t real? What if that isn’t reality, meaning an external world outside sensory experience, and they’re trapped in an psychological illusion, a la “The Matrix?” OUAT has proven to be a much more “accessible” program than “Lost” was, but could Kitsis/Horowitz be secretly constructing another sci-fi mindf**k?

Probably not. But even if the show is influencing the mere consideration that’s a huge positive. Since the pilot set up the structure of the two universes—one in the past and one in the present, existing as two separate worlds (even that is shaky when you think about the existence of magic and remnants of FTL materializing in the real world)—that relationship has gone unquestioned and untested. Until last week, when FTL memories bled into real world factuality.

This week expedited that bleeding by introducing the Mad Hatter a.k.a Jefferson (Sebastian Stan). In Storybrooke, Jefferson is a lonely man in a mansion who knows about The Curse, and believes his only way back to FTL is through his magic hat (which normally serves as a portal to Wonderland). During his real world stay he hasn’t been able to make a hat that works. The magic is absent. But he believes the good sheriff, Emma, is his glimmer of hope. When she came to town, the clocks started working (I guess they hadn’t been for like, ever) and this was proof to Jefferson that she possessed magic and he’s had a telescope fixed on her office ever since. That’s a normal reaction, right?

So, when Emma goes out looking for escaped suspect Mary Margaret, he walks along the road waiting to stage an accident. He’s not one of those freeloaders trying to get a settlement, he wants to earn the sympathy of Sheriff Emma and a ride home so he can drug and kidnap her. And well, that’s basically what happens. And surprise, surprise: Mary Margaret is there too, all tied up and stuff! It is worth noting though, that after Emma has been subdued by the sleepy tea (tea’s his thing, remember) she wakes up bound and gagged, but escapes from her restraints wicked easily. It was kinda badass. She uses her mouth to move a pillow to the floor, stomps on it so a tea cup falls off the coffee table, then uses the jagged edge to cut herself free. Where has resourceful Emma been all this time? Now I’m much more sold on her leading a police force if she can evade capture so well.

Over in FTL, it’s a hard knock life for a retired Mad Hatter who is also named Jefferson (more shattering of boundaries!). He’s a poor fellow who struggles to provide for his daughter, Grace, and she’s his whole world. So when the the Evil Queen (EQ) comes knocking, asking him for a favor that requires his special talents, he’s tempted. EQ could ensure that Grace never want for anything, but he decides abandoning Grace would be more detrimental than their current financial woes. Still in need of his skills, EQ (whose fairyback look was absolutely boobtastic this week) manipulates him by disguising as an old woman selling a stuffed rabbit at the marketplace. Grace thinks it would be a perfect addition to her dinner party (HA!) but Dad’s short. The cruel, masquerading queen doesn’t allow him to haggle and denies the girl her toy. This inspires the change of heart within Jefferson to help out EQ—just this once—in order to better his daughter’s life.

At the manor, cunning Jefferson intercepts the ladies as they escape, holding them at gunpoint. He forces Emma to tie up Mary Margaret again. He directs Emma to another room where he relays his Curse knowledge. Emma is still in denial, despite Henry’s insistence and frankly some damning evidence. Clearly, Jeff’s creep factor is through the roof, but we know he’s right and not crazy. But we’ve been conditioned to trust Emma’s judgment, and though he is separated from his daughter—she belongs to another family in Storybrooke that he spies on with his other telescope—a sane person doesn’t hold people at gunpoint to get what he wants: unless you’re Liam Neeson from “Taken,” or Jack Bauer on “24,” or…pretty much every man searching for his family in the movies or TV, ever. Therefore, I’m inclined to not believe him, but that would defy one of the fundamental truths of the show. The psychopath does make a salient point, however, about the dialectic of stories and truth and how the distinction is blurry at best. He also makes a poignant critique about how most people seek out a magical solution for their problems, but refuse to believe in magic. These sorts of philosophical questions are uncharted waters for OUAT, and probably too heady for its audience and too loaded for its breezy subject matter, but their bold attempt did not go unrecognized.

While holding Emma hostage, demanding she use her apparent “magic” to make his hats work again, he’s also escorting the EQ to Wonderland. She needs to retrieve something the Queen of Hearts stole from her. Upon entering, a expertly CGI-ed hookah-smoking caterpillar appears atop a giant mushroom, but then it speaks and CORNFEST 2012 begins. Roger Daltry (of The Who) lends his voice, and what do you guess he says? “Who…are you?” Am I the only one who finds this to be just the WORST case of needlessness? He literally says one line and it’s one of his song lyrics, and an unnecessary piece of dialogue in the first place? I know their budget has seen an influx due to ratings and it’s done wonders for their VFX, but REALLY? Rant over.

Jefferson and EQ approach the Queen Of Hearts’ maze, and we learn suddenly that the EQ can shoot fireballs from her hands. I wish they would outline exactly what her powers are, because at this point I assume she can get out of most situations. What she retrieves after she burns through to the center of the maze is her father, in a box. No, I’m not just making things up! This, however means tragedy for Jeff. Only the same amount that entered can leave Wonderland, and EQ has no qualms about swapping him out for daddy dearest. An odd detail, EQ shows remorse in her face when she breaks the news that he’s stuck, but her words convey cruelty, saying if he really loved his daughter he never would have left her, a bitter pill to swallow. ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCES ALL DAY! Sorry.

Captured by the Queen of Hearts’ men, Jefferson initially withholds information of how he arrived in Wonderland, but then in a too-hot-for-TV move, a knight cuts his head off. But alas, no blood and he lives. They promise to reattach his body only when he shares the truth, so he tells them about the hat. Turns out to be a bad move since now he’s trapped in Wonderland until he can make the Queen of Hearts a new hat. And he lacks the magic necessary. So we’re left with the haunting image of Jefferson surrounded by mountains of misfires and mounds of failures.

Emma starts to question Jeff’s madness as she tries to craft him a magical hat, and she seems to empathize with his quest to reunite with his kid. We’re also treated to some weird chemistry between the two. Their breathy speech and close proximity imply they could kiss at any moment, but it might just be the palpable desperation on their tongues. And just as we start to believe Emma believes, she whacks him upside the head with his telescope. After a struggle, Mary Margaret kicks him out the window. When they look below to see the damage, his body is gone and his hat is bottom up. Did the hat work? Has he crossed over? No, John Edward get out of here! Oh, that’s a reference to the TV medium John Edward…oh never mind.

Flipping Mary Margaret the keys, she gives her the choice to run or trust that she’ll exonerate her. She implores she also stay because she doesn’t want to lose her family, “or friends or whatever.” So they hurry Mary Margaret back to the cell before Regina knows she left and Regina scolds Mr. Gold for not holding up his end of the bargain. Shocker of shockers, she was behind the planted key and Gold put it there. Apparently, he’s a double agent, which makes sense given he never scratches a back that won’t scratch him back, but I do believe he has taken a side. I’m unsure which, but my money is on him wanting to usurp Regina.

Our final scene is with Emma and Henry at a school playground. Grace, whose name is Paige in the real world walks by. Emma recognizes her from mad man’s telescope and asks Henry if she can inspect his book. The picture of Grace is a side profile, so there’s no guaranteeing a match, but Emma requests she keep the book. Is she FINALLY believing? It seems like this is the season’s ambition is to finally turn that tide, but I hope not. There needs to be a bigger payoff then “Emma’s on our team!” For the most part though, this was a harmless episode. It neither excited me, nor incited my wrath save a absurd use of a rock legend. It was equal parts detoured into Wonderland and focused on the main story. I’m anxious for the trial to be over and so relieved that next week they’ll finally address: what did Snow White do to ruin EQ’s life? They have laid such importance on this event that it will be hard for them to live up to expectations.

Sebastian Stan owned his spotlight this week, not overselling the madness or drowning out the established voices. Though Mad Hatter’s fairyback was par for the OUAT course, using a child as motivation, I liked that Jefferson acknowledged that the Curse is not being in the real world, it’s being separated from the ones you love. That detail might prove important later on. I could imagine a difficult decision down the road where a character might have to choose between the worlds. All speculation now, but thematically it’s significant that we have this consistency in message for the fairybacks. It’s an acute lens through which we can view them going forward. For keeping the ball rolling on the “bleeding realties” track and for maintaining a grave tone without frolicking into cheesy sentimentality territory, as the series unapologetically tends to, I’ll give credit where credit is due: there’s some magic in Storybrooke.

Walter (Nick Nolte) watches in wonder as "Luck" astonishes us in the last leg of its first, and final, season.

Cue the Boyz II Men, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”

“Luck” was dealt a bad hand. Granted, the worst hands belonged to those majestic brutes whose lives were prematurely taken. And I will mourn every horse, every race I never get to see. It was through those powerful, fluid strides that a cast of characters were galvanized into taking risks of all kinds. Loving, killing, betting, praying and the like. And it is those same beautiful horses that have caused the series to cease to be. This is okay with me, because the show would have been, quite obviously, nothing without them. And so with a mesmerizing crane of Pint of Plain’s neck hanging out his stall, looking towards something of interest we’ll never see, I look to a diminished future where there’s no “Luck,” and yet I feel damn lucky to live in a present with that same “Luck” in my past.

Can we at least find solace knowing that its last hour was well spent? Yes, indeed. But in terms of narrative, the equally stressful question is can this season’s finale stand-in for a series ender? In many ways, it can. Your satisfaction will mostly depend upon your definition of resolution.

Mike and his cohorts still loom large over Ace and his dreams to buy the track, but he’s repairing his relationship with grandson, Brent, and opening up his heart to Claire. Our Four Amigos are rich once again with Marcus still the cynic and Jerry still a gambling addict, but both are keeping their tendencies in check. Walter? He holds onto his beloved horse, awaiting the next big race where Gettin’ Up will avenge the photo finish loss at the Western Derby. Escalante’s child dies in utero, but he holds Jo close anyhow as she becomes his family now—the one he only recently found out he wanted. Leon still has weight to lose before he can return, Rosie’s on top of the world, and Ronnie Jenkins falls just short, but hopefully not any further into his prescription pill abuse. Oh, and Joey’s still an agent searching for friends as vigorously as he is clients. In short, their world goes on without us, brimming with would-be’s and coulda-been’s, but whatever comes they’ll share in it. Because “Luck” prefers to view life as one big wager, and we’ve all put our contribution into the pot. And what we come out with will depend on how willing we are to throw our hearts in as well.

It’s peculiar that an HBO drama would end with such promise for what humankind can accomplish together. When the channel’s proudest products signed off with the (likely, never proven) death of its tragic mafioso (The Sopranos), and the continuing stranglehold of bureaucracy and the drug trade on an American city (The Wire), faith in tomorrow seems curious. But despite the avalanche of tension preceding the finish line, that’s how we cross it.

That menacing build-up began with the sudden appearance of Ace’s elusive grandson. Pain overtakes his face as he sees his loved one entering a world where his adversaries would love nothing more than to strike at his heart for striking at their wallets. The kid believes it was Gus who forwarded him a plane ticket to catch his gramp’s horse in the Western Derby, but it was Mike Smythe (Michael Gambon). Ace reacts with fear and anger by boarding up Brent in his penthouse, telling him he can watch the race on TV. From thereon, it’s a suspense-filled game of Dodging Death, as Gus helps him maneuver around his routine without being a sitting duck for hitmen. It’s a wonderful stroke of genius to include how Ace elects to continue with his schedule, despite how it will play into their hand, because of how it would disturb the balance he’s achieved in his life. And for the most part, the routine is not compromised. Through slight of hand, and one grueling, hand-to-hand Gus murder, Ace is able to slip by as his “guys” dispose of their “guys” and he makes it to the track. Dustin Hoffman plays the worn man well, showing how staying alert takes its toll, and further emphasizes the shift when at the end he’s at peace with his grandkid, even though the war with Mike rages on.

As far as the climactic races go, they’re both as gorgeous and enthralling as ever. The pre-Derby affair where our degenerate quartet (and guests! Renzo invites his mom, and Marcus invites his doctor) bet a considerable amount on their horse, entrusting Rosie to bring that bacon home. As usual, their win comes as no surprise, but it doesn’t detract from any allure. Thanks to Escalante’s muttered pointers in the stands, we witness the science of jockeying more precisely than before. It becomes clear that it’s all about windows of opportunity, just like bets and wagers themselves. If you don’t use the lane you’re given to bust out, then someone else will. And fortunately, Rosie breaks to the outside at the exact right moment and it allows her to come out the victor by a couple lengths.

But with no insult to the lovely Rosie and her triumph (I just adore how grateful she is just to be riding. When she wins, it feels like a reward for a good heart as much as a good rider), the race that follows is the best the show has done—ugh, I guess, did. The first truly neck-and-neck finish engineered the most excitement, and continued the strategic bent of the first by putting us in the POVs of the two trainers unleashing their game plans underneath their breath. Both, in order to lessen the agony, declare they probably just missed. There has to be a winner though, and Gus’ Pint of Plain comes out on top. Gus shouts out his tried and true motto: “Greatest f**king country in the world!” holding his trophy under his arm.

The elation is undercut somewhat when Brent shows up, disobeying his grandpa’s request. The trembling panic in his voice as he tries to whisk him away from open space to “where the people are” stopped my heart as I hoped against hope that he would go unharmed, as Mike observes from his box seats, “The primal, primitive scurrying.” Thank God, the kid suffers no consequence, but Milch and director Mimi Leder were masterful in creating and “anything goes” type of atmosphere. Also, credit the long-term effects of characterization. We know little overall about what Mike, Ace and the rest have done in the past, but through Ace’s borderline rage and phrases like Gus’ “Remember that one time in Chicago,” we know that Dodging Death has been their business for some time, and they’re grizzled veterans by now.

As I mentioned in a previous review, “Luck” can at its finest be a “symphony of evocative notes.” And as the minutes waned on this overwhelming, emotive masterpiece I found my heart hurting, knowing that those chords were being struck for the last time. There was the threatening implications of a somewhat innocuous conversation between Ace and Mike before the race, “Great gift, the ability to adapt. Do you feel it all diminishes, as time begins to reel us in? Then there’s Walter and Escalante, exchanging sincere congratulations on a helluva race. Walter promises the same next time around and I audibly moaned, “Noooo,” because we won’t get to be there. Also there’s the celebratory barbecue. Our Four Amigos, who only seemed tenuously bonded by circumstance and convenience, rejoice in their impenetrable friendship that survives ruthless taunting and addiction recovery to become possibly the grandest accomplishments of the show. Admittedly, I looked down upon these scoundrels, these railbirds. They seemed like parasites, festering wounds of a dying sport, hoping to soak up what little they could. But by the end, they became agents of their own destiny. They became a team of inspired spectators that are part of the dream instead of just wishing. They plan on buying a house with many hot tubs and stereos, and Jerry showers Naomi with hundreds as she’s sprawled out naked on his bed. It’s a cheesy, almost hip-hop image of success, but these perennial bottomfeeders deserve the glee of even the most cliched indulgences. If there were any folks you could latch onto as an everyman viewer, it was them.

There’s no mistaking who the star was though. Chester “Ace” Bernstein was the soul of the show. A battered ex-con, looking to turn his life into something worth taking pride in. Despite not fully ridding himself of the ghosts that haunt him—the Smythes, and DiRozzis, and Cohens of the world are still operating on the impulse to bulldoze the track and replace it with tract housing, crushing Ace’s aspirations of bringing interest back to the sport and glory of horse racing—there’s reason to be believe he can escape his past. Pint of Plain is now a Derby winner, and we see Ace stick his neck out by promising that he’ll be for Brent what he could have been. He changes the meaning of “luck” (lowercase intended) for me. He commits to seeing through the hand he’s dealt. He asks tenderly, “You feeling lucky, kid?” and it transforms the complexion of the show. In the beginning it was greed-driven, these men were invariably obsessed by their pursuit of “more.” But “more” does have an apex, it’s a loving home filled with those you care about. And if that’s the melody I’ll be humming when Milch the conductor signals it’s a wrap, I’m content. There’s nothing more life-affirming than you can have it all if you simply take a chance and open yourself up to the possibility of an almost impossible feat. Not a life of riches, but the richness of life.

It’s true what they say, the good die young. And this youngin’ passed away still vital. I’d like to think I knew what I had before it was gone, but I didn’t realize until about four episodes in how much I, nay we, needed a show like this. I spoke with my father yesterday and he talked about how he’s loved the developments of post-9/11 entertainment. The environment is shrouded in darkness, it’s grittier, and we’re embracing the evil that could always be surrounding us. And while this vigilance has made us paranoid, it’s made us hold onto what is good. And though not everything’s coming up roses, there’s something beautiful blossoming on the micro level that’s just as delicate a flower: family, friends, true love. They still exist, even when the foundations of our society crumbles all around us, it’s not the end as long as human connection is possible. And in “Luck’s” universe, your odds aren’t great, but we aren’t alone in that struggle. And ultimately, we walked away knowing that to some degree, everyone could sustain happiness. Ace and Gus eyed the feed of the camera they installed and the goat, the one with pumpkin size-nuts, strolls into the barn after they thought it had gone missing. Horses, though they’re still foreign and strange compared to our conceptions of being, too delight in the comfort of normalcy, depending on the day-to-day. “Luck” left me with hope that if that goat will always return, then so can my faith in people.

For that reassurance, and for providing gorgeous, compelling, well-written human drama in a world that would be a pleasure to hangout in beyond the constraints of the small screen, I congratulate “Luck” on a helluva race. But just because it’s over, that doesn’t mean we’re done.* So this isn’t goodbye. It’s more like Walter said, “More of the same next time?”, a prayer to the TV gods that they’ll honor the memory of these graceful deceased, as well as the achievements of the show, and will bring us a precious offspring just like it, real soon.

*For anyone interested, I’ll be reviewing “Game of Thrones,” another HBO drama based on George R.R Martin’s fantasy book series, “A Song of Fire and Ice,” starting next week!

Class differences intimidate Jess as she dives into a romance with a wealthy father, Russell (Dermot Mulroney).

While I wouldn’t call “New Girl’ mindless, I would never expect the show to tackle larger social issues on a macro level. If Jess had watched the “Kony 2012″ video and been outraged they could have gotten some mileage out of that. Or perhaps Nick runs out of gas, but refuses to pay such exorbitant prices so he starts hitchhiking to work. I’m just spitballing here, but “New Girl” is a show about twentysomething struggles that are highly attuned to the neuroses of their “core four” and is only interested in social ills in the context of how they throw a wrench into the delicate balance of their shambled lives.

That said, I can reluctantly forgive the reductive way in which the income inequality gap was addressed in “Fancyman (Part 1).” I mean, how could you take an episode with that title seriously? It might as well have a fake mustache and be “making it rain” with Monopoly money. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t it anger me when Jess’ new love interest, Russell (played with the usual silver-haired debonair by Dermot Mulroney), instructed Nick that he didn’t have a lucrative job, or at least a formidable credit score, because he hadn’t grown up yet and was still a lazy, unmotivated kid. Essentially, he recycled the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” cliche, which on a societal scale is far too simplistic and paints the majority of Americans (therefore much of the 99% bunch) with a broad brush.

However, when you consider Nick as the sole test subject, Russell hit it on the nose. Nick was enrolled in law school and dropped out. Though the show has yet to fully pin down his reasons (if he was miserable, I wouldn’t want to commit him to a profession he hates), he had opportunities offered to him that he refused to take. If I were asked to engage Russell in a discussion about the acquisition of his wealth, I would vehemently oppose the idea that everyone    can succeed as he has in the current economic climate. Thankfully, he’s fictional, so I can dismount my political high horse. I’ve made my peace with what I perceived was an insult to the Occupy movement’s outrage with corporate greed. I realizied that Russell and Nick are the smallest of samplings and it would be equally presumptuous to say that Nick is poor because he’s been mightily oppressed when all evidence suggests he’s stuck himself in this rut.

While implied political statements may have distorted, for me, any message to be gleaned, there were successful moments of character. Nick popped out of his misery-shell once he entered Russell’s man castle, seduced by his symbols of power and Jess faced her fear of men who “have it altogether” and therefore won’t need her caregiving abilities. Winston still gets shafted again though with the standard “she’ll love you for who you are” lesson, which didn’t ever seem to be an issue for him. Though he’s searching for an identity now that his basketball career has fizzled out, he’s never exhibited insecurities so much as a competitive streak. And Schmidt delivers a barrage of snaky remarks from the peanut gallery after being the center of attention last week.

Russell strolls into Jess’ classroom (rocking a bowler hat and a Mr. Monogamy name tag that’s somehow related to teaching sexual health) with fatherly concerns about his daughter, Sarah (who never appears strangely) and whether her focus on art has made her deficient in more practical areas of study. Jess resents Russell’s insinuations rejecting the stifling of creativity in favor of hunkering down on math. Regardless, the principal acknowledges that since he’s the third biggest donor to the school he deserves a say. Jess then rallies around Nick’s anti-rich stance, “We’re right where they want us, suckling on the teet of consumerism.” Fired up for her mini-Marxist revolution, she’s literally stalled when her car breaks down on the way to give Russell a dressing-down. Conveniently (as in TV-convenient) Russell happens to be stuck behind her and offers to have “his guy” tow her bucket and let her borrow his ride. Insulted at first, Jess is eventually persuaded by the smooth operator to accept his offer of kindness.

A confused Jess consults Cece about being entangled with someone of Russell’s status: “I only like guys who are free from success and think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.” Sensing a destructive pattern, Cece suggests Jess date someone she doesn’t need to baby. This is an astute observation, and one I’m glad the show addressed. Despite the initial premise conveying that Jess would be the chaos introduced in the lives of three gentlemen, she ended up becoming the caregiver they DESPERATELY needed. The formula where the gang bands together to support Jess has been abandoned in the new calendar year, and now that Jess has gotten her sea legs she’s spicing up the complacency that had cast its shadow over the loft before she arrived. All the same, upholding the role of mother hen is not the healthiest way to construct a romantic relationship. Cece’s reality check then does the doubly important task of jolting Jess and furthering the mission statement of internal change we’ve been seeing across the board.

Nick then accompanies Jess to Russell’s palatial mansion for moral support. After mocking his kitchen decor, he enters his home office and is awestricken with its manly atmosphere—and smell, “It smelled like Shakespeare, if he were a damn cowboy, and boat fuel and cigars…man stuff!” This was the funniest portion of the episode because of how it transformed Nick into a willful victim of materialism. Corrupted by leather furniture and a wooden desk, we saw a side we’d never seen. Nick has had his goofball moments no doubt ( the “Bully” episode where he drives away Julia with his seven-voicemail panic attack), but the focus wasn’t on over-the-topness this time around, but an unresolved desire of his to command men, be self-made.

While Nick played pretend, Jess finally gets her confrontation. After being assaulted by a Japanese bidet, she says that she doesn’t care if he pulls the donation. She is going to teach her students how she sees fit. Russell never had that intention though, and he’s puzzled as to where Jess’ resentment comes from. After storming out, Nick convinces Jess to not be intimidated by his wealth—admitting he could be saying this because he’s in love with him (but really his things). Jess consents to have dinner with “Fancyman” opening the door of the ominous part 2.

As mentioned Winston gets a lame excuse for a plot, another fit of taking competition too seriously. This time it’s bar trivia, which Schmidt dominates. His sarcastic belittling cracked me up, especially when he admits to saying some pretty douchebag jar-worthy things. Also tacked on is our re-introduction to Alvin, that kid from WAY BACK in “The 23rd” where Schmidt’s boss offers him the job as part-time nanny. We have never seen him with the kid and it angered me because I never knew he took the job. There was the first really egregious continuity error as far as I can recall, and it didn’t affect any of the comedy or plot severely, I just wish the kid hadn’t dropped off the face of the earth. Couldn’t they have incorporated some silly excuse for why he hasn’t been around into the dialogue? *Deep breath* I suppose, I’ll just let it go. At any rate, his charge helps him study, with some hilarity, but ultimately he can’t beat The Master of All Knowledge, Schmidt. Obviously his old flame that he hopes to rekindle, Shelby, couldn’t care less about his prowess at stupid bar games. She didn’t need to even be impressed. She just wanted him. Awwww…Then the moment is promptly  killed by Schmidt, asking if he should play some Jodeci while they makeout. You’re so down, my brother.

Since I can’t completely ignore how their perspective on class issues irritated me, last night’s episode was up and down. Nick was a bright spot with his obsession over Russell’s possessions, and Jess’ progression as an eligible bachelorette was pleasant to witness. But with my boy Schmidt in the background and Winston still getting the short straw, this week will suffer the consequences of the unfair distribution of wealth. Try harder “New Girl!” Clearly those other critically acclaimed shows are putting forth more effort! Ah, if only the sitcom game were like the American economy, huh? Oh wait….With an inadvertent splash in the koi pond, New Girl stumbles into Part 2 of Jess’ misadventures with Fancyman, with a B-.

L.O.L.Ls: Laugh Out Loud Lines

- Winston knows Nick isn’t making a populist statement by not owning a cell phone: “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.”

- Jess: “Yeah! I’ll throw my phone in the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people!” Nick: “Actually scratch that. My mom has your number in case of an emergency.”

- Winston: “I know what Mesopotamia is.” Alvin: “Use it in a sentence.”  Winston: “Look, there’s Mesopotamia!”

- “A kitchen island? Be a man, let your kitchen counter attach to itself.”

- “When I touch this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.”

- Nick strokes a wooden duck: “I wanna kill you, because I respect you. (shouts to Jess) I think I understand hunting.”

- “I hope you’re better in bed because your street work is embarrassing.”

- Entire end-credits sequence, where Nick pretends to be various executives seated at Russell’s desk, had me in stitches. A couple gems were: “Yes, this is the president of Earth. I’d like to speak to the galactic emperor? Yes, it’s about money” and “So is China mine, Mr. Ying?

Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) gets in touch with the evil within, thirsty for the Evil Queen's blood.

I know these “Lost” alum love literary allusions, but this title seemed a little strong. I mean, does Ginnifer Goodwin seem like what Joseph Conrad had in mind for Kurtz?

Minor gripes aside, last night’s flirtation with evil was both infuriating and entertaining as hell. Some of the more annoying tendencies return, such as Regina’s groan-worthy fare and Henry, being Henry. And then there’s Snow White: a take-no-prisoners, pick-axe wielding, knight-torturing woman after my own heart. The slow reveal where she sings to a bluebird just to lure in it and swat at it with her broom was probably one of their best deployments of comedy yet. Turns out a Charming-size hole in her heart is the cause of her bitter ‘tude, but I gotta say: it was a major turn-on. Ginnifer Goodwin’s “dark side” was a pleasant surprise, even if it was a result of denying her true self. Most of the allure came from the pure unpredictability of what she would do to achieve her vengeful ends. I also yearned throughout the episode for her unadulterated brutality because the rest was so distastefully sugar-coated. The bad habit of repeating dialogue in both realms to emphasize a thematic tie was a well they drew from several times and only elicited obnoxious eye rolls from yours truly.

Lazy writing would be the wrong diagnosis. In my “professional” opinion, it stemmed from the blurring lines of reality that arose in last night’s moon-gravity leap forward in the overarching plot. Though the implication of this cross-world channeling was important to clarify, I felt that they underestimated their audience. Networks tend to do this, but I expected Kitsis/Horowitz to know better after working on such an experimental and innovative network show (in case you’re new, I liked “Lost,” and they wrote for “Lost”…moving on). Beat you over the head lines like “She has had her heart broken, and that can make you do unspeakable things” and “Sometimes evil stares us right in the face and we don’t even realize it,” call attention to themselves in the worst way. Like that kid who gets no love from their high-expectation parents so s/he seeks validation from everyone else. Look everyone, I’m doing something clever with parallelism—and irony!

With the help of CGI Jiminy Cricket (could you imagine if it was a dude in a costume? Hilarious.) the seven dwarves stage an intervention, where even Happy relays his grievances (she broke his mug!) and they force her to move out unless she starts to return to her old gleeful self. Snow agrees to leave, but not for their benefit: she wants head to roll. The queen’s gotta pay for (allegedly) killing her daddy, so she slings her pick-axe over her shoulder to hunt down the evil bi-otch. Moments later, she trips up a horse-riding knight and legit tortures him for information on the queen’s whereabouts. Her threatening monologue about diamonds and how they’re impervious to damage was awesomely diabolical. When she explains that her pickaxe, from the dwarf mines, is the only blade that can cut through a diamond (“So imagine what it could do to your soft flesh!) was the the sort of cutting-edge (pun intended) menace a writer dreams of having the opportunity to employ in dialogue. And the delight shows, especially in Goodwin’s cold delivery.

In the real world, Emma’s forced to book Mary Margaret to keep up appearances and not attract Regina’s wrath. And frankly, the evidence is piling against her. Her fingerprints are all over the box that likely contains Kathryn’s heart, AND said container is her jewelry box. Emma firmly believes in Mary Margaret’s innocence, but she needs to exonerate her dutifully or she’ll doom her friend to prison. Here’s where everyone’s least favorite precocious, fairy-tale zealot, Henry butts in, hoping to find the evidence that will vindicate his teacher. When he inspects the apartment with Emma, however, they find the murder weapon stashed in a heating vent. Discouraged, Henry seeks answers at the bottom of a mug of hot chocolate. Then the artist formerly known as Mysterious Biker Dude a.k.a August (ew) comforts the boy by professing his faith in The Book. In fact, he divulges to the kid his purpose in Storybrooke is to help Emma “see the light.” Essentially he is OUAT’s version of Desmond (am I right, Losties?) shepherding lost souls. He springs Henry into action, convincing him that with solid proof Emma will rally around his cause (Operation Cobra or “The lamest military operation name ever.”).

Back in FTL, Grumpy confronts Snow as she’s stripping the clothes off the knight (oh Ginnifer, how you tickle my fancy) and insists she let him help. He recommends seeking the counsel of Rumpelstiltskin since his potion is what altered her personality. She has no intentions of being cured, but she wonders if he can aid her in her mission. Rumpy does bestow a bow upon Snow that supposedly never misses it’s target, free of charge. Rumpy slyly assures her, “I’m invested in your future.” He never explains why he took her hair during their least deal (for the potion), but he drops a hint when he rambles on about how the only magic he hasn’t been able to bottle up is love. And if he could, he would be all-powerful. It’s a tidbit that intrigued me more than most they inserted into last night’s narrative because anything that empowers Rumpy means that EQ (the Evil Queen) will be unseated as the biggest of the baddies which is definitely my MO. I mean, Regina was seen skinning an apple with a pocket knife in this episode. A villain doesn’t get any more hammy than that.

Storybrooke alter-ego Mr. Gold also offers his assistance to Snow White’s doppelganger, Mary Margaret, agreeing to be  her legal counsel. Mary accepts, but like her counterpart she’s uneasy that he’s representing her gratis. He recites the identical forewarning, “I’m invested in your future,” furthering my defeated feeling that OUAT cares very little about my sensitivities toward cheesiness. Also in the business of clearing Mary’s good name (although for the first time in forever people start referring to her as Ms. Blanchard, why?) is David, who visits Dr.Hopper the town shrink hoping he can extract the memories he’s lost during his blackouts. Under hypnosis, he upholds the motif of channeling the FTL and believes that his memory of insisting Snow not kill the Queen is actually him imploring Mary not to kill Kathryn. WHOOPSIE!

Prince Charming also confronts Rumpelstiltskin (after Red creates a kickass diversion from the pursuing royal guards when her inner wolf comes out to play), strong-arming him for a cure to Snow’s personality disorder. When he confirms that true love’s kiss is the only antidote, the prince rushes to find her before her assassination attempt. He doesn’t leave, however, without striking a deal with Rumpy for her whereabouts, giving him his cloak in return. The imp is dubious about the value it possesses, but bear with with me on that. After a first attempt fails because he didn’t remind her of who she used to be, Jiminy Cricket appears fro a pep talk, and upon the second try (if at first you don’t succeed, kids, keep stalking that girl!) he restores Snow’s memory after sacrificing himself by jumping in front of the arrow. His willingness to die before she slips into darkness touches her so deeply, enhancing the magic of that pivotal smooch.

Charming’s immediately captured though, putting a damper on their reunion, but Snow vows that she “will always find [him]!” After genuinely apologizing to her dwarf buddies, they join her in the crusade to rescue her true love and the warm and fuzzy Snow returns! Thankfully, the disappearance of cutthroat Snow did not disappoint me, because both Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin bring their A-game in establishing chemistry, so you’re as adamant about their love triumphing over evil as they are, and that empathy that is proving essential to the overall investment in the show’s momentum.

The real world plot wraps up just as cathartically, but in the opposite direction of ‘”feel-good.” After heeding August’s advice to seek guidance from The Book, Henry surmises that the Queen’s key will open any lock. So he smuggles away his “mom’s” keys (resourceful little bugger, ain’t he?) and coerces Emma into testing it out. When the key opens the apartment door, Emma’s intuition of a set-up is reaffirmed. She ensures Emma that despite the DNA test confirming that it was Kathryn’s heart, that she will do whatever it takes to free her, proving her gall by striking up an alliance with Mr. Gold. Mary’s tempted by circumstance though when she finds the cell key beneath her bed (planted by Regina no doubt). And after David visits and admits to his increasing suspicion, due of his mixed-up memories, (a biting critique against the validity of hypnosis, huh?) she breaks down, banishing her true love. He resolve weakened, she uses the key to break out, obviously complicating any effort of Emma’s or Mr. Gold’s to absolve her.

The bigger payoff, for me, came before that final frame that reveals Mary’s empty cell. In the FTL, we see Rumpy drop Snow’s hair and a thread from Charming’s cloak into a flask. The result is some sort of illuminated bond, which signifies that his purpose of collecting random personal items was indeed malicious. He now has successfully bottled love, elevating him to an omnipotence that would seem impenetrable. What this means in the larger context is unclear, but I like the prospects if he now has a leg up on the insufferable Evil Queen.

This development, among many others, affirmed my faith that we may be moving toward less isolated “fairy tale of the week” departures and have arrived at the sturdier backbone of the series. Not all of OUAT’s ventures into folklore have been pointless, but meandering has become tedious considering how many episodes in we are. Although the hand-holding insulted my intelligence, I’m thankful there is a trajectory that I can grab onto and follow. A drama centered around fairy tales with no stakes is too self-indulgent to enjoy; and with newfound purpose, I’m more likely to tolerate such heavily lathered-on “significance. Though I wish the writers would stop being so keen to point it out. To be clear, my issue isn’t with the idea of the borders of Storybrooke and FTL becoming indistinct, but when its added only to stroke the ego of the brain trust and to be “clever for clever’s sake,” I can’t get behind that. But the risk-taking drove character action, so with cautious optimism I’ll encourage the less dawdling, more uninhibited get-it-done approach.

For unveiling the series’ dark side, while evolving the premise and capitalizing on the crucial draw of the show—the connection between Emma, Mary and David becoming a family unit again, and unifying to take down Regina—this week’s episode earned my respect, despite testing my patience with cliched repetition. B, for more badass mofo Snow!