My people rule the media! (Facebook)

OK, so which one of you told?

You know what I’m talking about.

Rick Sanchez, formerly of CNN, went on “Stand Up With Pete Dominick,” a satellite radio show, and started spitting truths about some of the things we expressly spoke about in confidence at the last meeting.

What meeting?!

Why, the monthly “Jews-Run-The-Media” meeting held in the center of the Earth.

Let me refresh your memory.

Every third Thursday, each Jew in Jew-ville (Brooklyn) (Just kidding, the whole world is Jew-ville), gathers in Boca Raton, where a magical golden elevator run by the enslaved souls of Christian babies takes us down to the core of the planet.

You son of a bitch.

There we bathe collectively in a pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck while our leader, Jon Stewart, calls us up one by one to read our carefully constructed lists of goys we’ve swindled that month.

Surely you remember the horns growing from the top of Stewart’s head and how he kept cackling with glee from atop his fiery perch on a throne made of the cryogenically frozen bodies of Walt Disney and Henry Ford.

Oh, good. You remember that, at least. Well, now, the more pressing matter is: someone told Rick Sanchez.

I’m not sure why anyone would want to rat us out. We’ve enjoyed a good long run in Hollywood — controlling everything in the media and entertainment world. I don’t know why we’d want to blow up our spot now, especially on CNN, especially while crapping on our lord and messiah Jon Jew-art.

No matter who blabbed, the facts are thus: Of course, Sanchez is right. Of course, we run everything. You’ve never heard of the luck of the Jewish?

We’re one of the luckiest minority groups around. We survived being enslaved in Egypt. We survived the pogroms in Russia. We survived this little miscommunication called the Holocaust. Could we have done all that without pulling some strings behind the scenes? You do the math. With your Jew-culator.

Now that the gefilte fish is out of the jar, what are we Jews going to do? Now that Sanchez has outed us, you just know that fagele Anderson Cooper is going to be knocking down our doors for an exclusive.

We Jews can kiss our blessed days of laughing at Seinfeld re-runs, recounting the amusing plot to crucify Jesus and chewing pizza bagels goodbye.

Rick Sanchez has figured out our “bigoted” ways. How narrow-minded of us to be one the biggest contributors to gay rights campaigns, how silly to think that because most of our population was wiped out in a tragic genocide we are a “minority,” how crazy to believe that we’re not secretly the ruling class.

I guess it doesn’t matter who told. We’ve all got to go down there next week and clean out the coin pool for good.

I hope you’re happy, Rick Sanchez.

Chris Brown was arrested just before he was slated to perform at the 2009 Grammy Awards last night, according to the Los Angeles Police Department. Brown, a nominee as well, was taken in for questioning regarding an assault on an unidentified woman the night before and for allegedly making a criminal threat, a felony.

Brown, 19, turned himself in to authorities and was briefly held before posting $50,000 bail Sunday night, jail records acquired by the Tribune wire showed.

Brown and his longtime girlfriend Rihanna, who was also nominated and scheduled to perform were both no-shows at the awards.

Rappers and R&B artists getting thrown in the slammer pre-awards show is nothing new. Fellow Grammy performer T.I. was arrested in 2007 just before he was to take the stage at the BET Hip-Hop Awards. Rapper Snoop Dogg was detained because of his lengthy criminal record, missing his hosting gig at the 2007 MTV Australia Music Video Awards.

If this keeps up, hip-hop artists are going to get wise to the fact that the police stage these awards shows just to catch them all in one go. Get out while you still can, guys. Even Admiral Ackbar knows this one’s a trap!

Newsweek.com just premiered my new favorite show ever. It’s‚ a Washington DC-based spoof of MTV’s‚ socialite reality drama‚ The City called‚ The District.‚ The show centers around Barack’s move from Chicago to‚ DC‚ and his relationships‚ with best friends/frenemies Joe and Hillary as well as‚ his fued with those in another social‚ circle,‚ the Republicans.

The show comes complete with aerial shots of Washington set to pumped up girl-rock anthems and useless staring during awkwardly stunted conversations.

Way to be plugged in to today’s youth, Newsweek! I can’t wait to see what happens with Barack and his love interest, Michelle. They are totally MFEO.

A Pittsfield artist is suing Sean Combs (P. Diddy, Puffy, Puff Daddy-o-licious) claiming the rap artist’s new cologne’s design is stolen from a pair of sculptures he created in the 1980s, the Boston Globe reported.

The suit, filed by 65-year-old Tom Patti,‚ reached‚ the US District Court in Springfield yesterday. Diddy’s fragrance, “Unforgiveable,” came out in 2006.‚  Patti said after the cologne was released, art specialists and friends called to congratulate him on selling the design — however, Patti had no idea what they were talking about.

“Eventually, I realized that Combs had replicated my work,” Patti told the Globe.

No surprise here: Reps for the mogul did not return the Globe’s calls for comment.

Brazilian beauty queen Mariana Bridi, who spent this past month fighting for her life after a blood infection resulted from an unchecked UTI, died today from the unexpected illness.

In December, the drug-resistant bacteria spread through her body, causing doctors to amputate the 20-year-old’s hands and feet in an attempt to save her life.

“God is comforting our hearts because he wanted her to be with him now,” her father Agnaldo Costa told the Associated Press outside the hospital where his daughter died. “I can’t accept that my daughter left us so soon.”

By the age of 18, Bridi was a finalist in the Brazilian stage of the Miss World pageant. Last year, she placed fourth in the Face of the Universe competition in South Africa and she had won bikini competitions across the globe.

She was initially diagnosed as having kidney stones before being hospitalized on Jan. 3 in septic shock. The bacteria Bridi contracted was called “Pseudomonas aeruginosa,” which mutates easily allowing it to be drug resistant and causes about 10 percent of the roughly two million hospital-acquired infections each year in the U.S., according to health officials quoted by the AP.

*Spoilers included*

If the Season Five premiere indicated anything, it was that Lost needs to give every character parents as cool as Hurley’s. But unfortunately, I don’t think Sayid’s dad could also be Cheech Marin.

Aside from that, the two-hour premiere was as epic as expected. The characters left on the island are in danger, moving through time and space quicker than their human brains can comprehend. Their camp is gone because it “hasn’t been built yet,” friends — like Desmond in the hatch and mysterious Other Richard Alpert — become gun-wielding foes and Charlotte’s nosebleed and memory loss looms as ominous signs for the rest of the castaways.

On the mainland, lawyers (and an unnamed client) come after Kate to prove her maternity of Aaron; Jack and Ben work together to gather the survivors for what Ben has convinced Jack is a very necessary trip back to the island and Hurley and Sayid run into a group of assassins trying to kill them for reasons only an unconscious Sayid knows, while Hurley hides as the media pegs him for three murders Sayid committed.
Interesting points:

Sayid says they should “do the opposite” of whatever Ben tells them to do. Hurley takes this advice to heart when he turns himself into the police for murder rather than return with Ben.

Kate meets up with Sun, who passive aggressively blames her for Jin’s death aboard the freighter. Sun, by the way, has become a fierce bitch between this season and last. She’s dealing with Charles Widmore and tells him she too wants to kill Ben.

The writers are clearly setting us up for some guilty-dirty-Juliet-and-Sawyer-sex because Sawyer believes Kate died on the helicopter and Juliet…well, the man has his shirt off for the whole first hour – can we really blame her?

Faraday manipulates time to plant a memory in Desmond’s mind about their meeting (as each other’s constants) and how he needs to find Faraday’s mother in order to remember, and save, the rest of the survivors.

In the end, Ben approaches a woman in a church who we’ve seen before: the enigmatic Mrs. Hawking. She tells Ben he’s only got 70 hours to convince everyone to return and to find the constantly-moving island. He tells her he obviously needs more time and she tells him to suck it up. My theory here is Hawking is Faraday’s mother.

The Others are apparently running a butcher shop where Ben is storing John Locke’s frozen corpse. While traveling through time, Richard tells Locke he is going to have to die in order to bring everyone back. I think once Locke hits island soil, he’ll be resurrected – have we mentioned Locke is a metaphor for Christ yet? No? You sure?

After finally getting a name and some screen time, Frogurt bites the dust. (Okay, that wasn’t interesting but it was pretty funny. If this show does nothing else, it gives viewers some seriously awesome death scenes – I’m looking at you, Arzt.)

Another theory: My friend, who admittedly watches the show stoned, brought up the idea that Charlotte is Penny and Desmond’s child from the future and her saying she could not remember her mother’s maiden name was a big ol’ clue to that regard. That’s also why she and Desmond can never meet. I’m not sure how much I buy that but then again, I was sober.

Next time on Lost: Getting everyone together for a reunion is going to be harder than Ben anticipated. But if we know anything about the little manipulative twerp, it’s that anything fucking goes.

The Oscar noms are out and one name (and film) completely missing from recognition is Clint Eastwood for his amazing performance in an equally great movie, Gran Torino.

Poor Clint. This may even be the screen legend’s last film:

“Somebody asked what I’d do next, and I said that I didn’t know how many roles there are for 78-year-old guys,” he told The Scotsman earlier this month.

Also, why is the Academy sucking Brad Pitt’s dick on Benjamin Button? It was good but not as good as say, WALL-E (also snubbed from the Best Picture category). This is animation discrimination and I thought we, as a movie-loving people, were not going to take it anymore. It’s so clear that the Academy wants Brad and his lady friend…oh, shoot. What’s her name? The other one…uh… (–ala Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes) to be there to garner viewers. It’s shameless. Why not just forgo the ceremony and hand the award to the aforementioned Winslet already? She’s the only one in the category that deserves it.

Get out the pink hair-dye, ladies (and gents)!

The much-missed Grammy-winning rock band No Doubt announced plans for a 2009 summer tour today.

Beginning in May, the group will play outdoor amphitheaters and arenas throughout the summer in both the US and Canada, according to a press release by the band.

Opening will be Paramore (meh),‚  The Sounds and Bedouin Soundclash.

The last time No Doubt toured was in 2004, co-headlining with Blink 182. (I was there and it rocked my tenth grade socks!)

Sure, the inauguration of President Barack Obama was important and historical but for fashionistas focused on wife Michelle’s every threaded move — here’s the answer to your burning question:

The “lemongrass-yellow ” coat and dress she sported at the ceremony were designed by Isabel Toledo, a New York-based, Cuban-born and generally unknown designer with 25 years of experience. According to the NYTimes.com fashion blog, Toledo, 48, did not know positively until this morning if the new first lady would wear her specially designed outfit.

The golden coat and dress were hand-made by workers in Toledo’s studio, using Swiss wool lace, backed with netting for warmth and lined in French silk.

“I wanted to pick a very optimistic color, that had sunshine” she told the Times. “I wanted her to feel charmed, and in that way would charm everybody.”

As the premiere of a new season of “Lost” approaches – (it airs Jan. 21, but all the diehards already had their Blackberry calendars on alert anyway) – rumors are swirling as to what comes next for the Losties both still stranded and on the mainland.

Season Four began with the castaways and company divvied up into those who wanted to be found and those heeding Charlie Pace’s final warning: beware the rescue squad. And it ended with them similarly split by the disappearance of the island, moved by Ben in time and space to hide it from competitor Charles Widmore.

Six survivors made it home while some, including lovable rogue Sawyer, sociopath Others leader Ben and blonde doctor Juliet remained on the island. A few others, such as time-traveling physicist Daniel Faraday, are unaccounted for because they were on a boat between the helicopter and where the island once was.

In the fourth finale, it was revealed that in order to rescue those left behind, the Oceanic Six – Sayid, Hurley, Sun, Kate, Jack and Aaron – must return to the island.

It won’t be easy and other escapees like Desmond, Frank, Walt and even the dead body of John Locke are necessary to the plan’s success. This could take up most of Season Five’s plot, including answering how Locke made it off the island, why he was living under the alias “Jeremy Bentham” and what ultimately killed him.

According to co-creator and producer Damon Lindelof, the upcoming season “is about why [the people who have left the island] need to get back.” Lindelof also said there will be significantly fewer flashbacks and flash-forwards as the show has finally caught up with itself in real time.

One-time series regulars Michael, who died after the freighter he was aboard exploded, and Claire, who may or may not have shown up as a ghost, are both no-shows for this season. Her story has been put on hold until the sixth season, which makes sense considering how jam-packed Season Five looks to be. Jin, also on the freighter, is on board for the fifth season, making the outlook on his character’s future sunny.

Writers have also confirmed that nature woman Danielle Rousseau and maligned cop Ana-Lucia Cortez will be coming back from the dead for short stints.

Some intended storylines pushed back from the fourth season due to the Writer’s Strike are scheduled to be explored this season, including the reason Libby was in the mental institution, why Ms. Hawking was in a photograph with Desmond’s monk, what happened between Ben and the real survivor of the hot air balloon crash and the four-toed statue seen by Sayid, Jin and Sun.

Previews on ABC’s Web site have also shown Kate fleeing with Aaron after being ordered to submit to a maternity test she will undoubtedly fail and Ben and Jack preparing to gather the rest of the Oceanic Six to return to the island — but who actually makes the journey remains a mystery.

Season Five of Lost premieres at 9 p.m. on Jan. 21 on ABC.

Actor Michael C. Hall, whose TV character Dexter got married this season, has wed his on-screen sister Jennifer Carpenter.

Hall, 37, and Carpenter, 29 — who have been quietly dating for about a year and a half — eloped in California on New Year’s Eve, his rep told The Associated Press.

At their wedding, Carpenter’s grandfather’s wedding band was attached to her bouquet of white roses, according to the AP.

The couple — who just finished the third season of Showtime’s series Dexter — will walk the red carpet together at Sunday’s Golden Globes. It will be the first time that they’ve publicly acknowledged their relationship, according to US Magazine.

John Travolta today shared new photos of his 16-year-old son, Jett, who passed away on New Years after hitting his head in the bathtub. Travolta also released a statement thanking fans for their support in this difficult time.

Our hearts go out to the Travoltas, especially Jett’s little sister, 8-year-old Ella.

Tom Brady reportedly proposed to girlfriend and model Giselle Bundchen on a plane on Christmas Eve. TMZ reports that her parents were in attendance and that Brady had white roses and champagne put all over the plane to set the mood and enhance the romance.

Just please tell me he didn’t get down on that knee. Keep it secret, Tom. Keep it safe.

UPDATE: Brady’s father is denying the couple got engaged, saying he’s heard nothing of the sort. Giselle was also spotted out without a ring on her finger. I think this one was just the rumor patrol tossing up a Hail Mary.

Mariah Carey’s movie and singing career may be flopping around like a dying fish but it seems she’s discovered another talent. Because yes, it does take a special skill to rock a pair of boots this fugly and obviously expensive.

The tragic part is, she isn’t the only one.

These ghastly Dior snowboots are showing up everywhere. Vanessa Hudgens was spotted wearing them in black a couple of weeks ago. Don’t young children look up to her?!

In case it isn’t obvious why these boots offend, the prominently displayed label makes them tacky while the tennis racket-sized bottom makes them completely unflattering. Plus, murder is never okay and Christian Dior must have killed poor, innocent Elmo to craft these eyesores.

Please, celebrities, for the love of Alexander McQueen: don’t let this get out of hand. We’re counting on you.

10. The Rachel Zoe Project

Appropriately dubbed “raisin face” by Nicole Richie, Rachel Zoe is a stylist to the stars and Botox’s biggest client. Watching is the equivalent of a fashion football game, causing viewers to scream, “No! Oh my god! Don’t wear that. Oh, what is she thinking?!” at their screens.

Standout performance: Zoe’s assistants Taylor and Brad. Taylor’s snippy, bitchy remarks and tendency to overreact makes us wonder why we still like her so much, while Brad’s disarming charm and cute fumbling tug at our Oscar de la Renta heartstrings.

9. Pushing Daisies

Now unfortunately cancelled, this whimsical treat brought us the pie-maker that could bring people back to life – including his dead love. What could be more uplifting than that? The show’s colorful style is what really made it stand out and television will be worse without it.

Standout performance: Lee Pace as pie-making Ned. One half of a painfully romantic love story, Pace was a delight to watch. Hopefully, in his future endeavors, everything comes up roses.

8. How I Met Your Mother

This comedy hit all the right marks this year – so much so that its fantastic cast recently took to the pages of Entertainment Weekly for a photo shoot of 2008′s best moments including Jonas Brother hysteria, Indiana Jones remakes and the Beijing Olympics. Looks like they’re as funny off-screen as they are on.

Standout performance: Neil Patrick Harris as Barney. Harris’s comeback sprung from spoofing himself as a drugged out womanizer in the Harold and Kumar films, which once he came out of the closet, became even more hilarious. He recently stripped down for an episode of the show too. Looks like he’s willing to do anything for comedy and we, of course, approve.

7. Dexter

This show was initially recommended to us by an addict who said he felt connected to main character Dexter’s inability to stop killing. When a television show has you rooting for a serial murderer, you know it’s gold.

Standout performance: Michael C. Hall as the enigmatic Dexter. This season begged the question: “Is Dexter capable of love?” Hall’s nuanced acting – rightfully – kept us grappling for an answer.

6. True Blood

This was the year of the vampire and the whole genre, truthfully, risks getting very played out very quickly. However, this campy novel-turned-series is so entertaining and sometimes poignant we’re willing to bet it’s better than that other vampire fandom. The fresh Louisiana setting and inclusion of the ever-adorable Anna Paquin (and her awesome rack) don’t hurt either.

Standout performance: Nelsan Ellis as the fierce as fuck Lafayette. The porn and drug dealer by night, fry cook by day steals every scene he’s in. From licking a homophobe’s burger to “give it AIDS” to being the only gay man of color on television (Can you name another?), Lafayette is easy to root for.

5. iCarly

Say what you will but children’s television is now made for equal enjoyability by adults (case and point: R.I.P. Drake & Josh). With reigning Disney empire Hannah Montana approaching “so five minutes ago,” Nickelodeon’s tech-based comedy iCarly is set to take the throne.

Standout performance: Jerry Trainor as Carly’s goofy older brother, Spencer. As a 30-something on a network for tweens, Trainor makes what could be a one-note role endearing and hilarious.

4. Gossip Girl

The storylines and character development have gone downhill since it’s first season but this deliciously sinful CW soap remains too good to pass up. Watching an episode is like finishing an entire tub of cookie dough alone with a spoon on a Friday night: terrible for you but so, so satisfying.

Standout performance: Taylor Momsen as wannabe fashion designer Jenny Humphrey. Co-star Ed Westwick’s heart-wrenching turn as Chuck Bass deserves mention but Momsen is the most natural in her role. You hate her because she’s a whiny, ungrateful, impatient teenager, which means she’s doing her job. Honorable mention goes to Kelly Rutherford’s Lily Bass.

3. 30 Rock

Liz Lemon is the everywoman; totally falling apart while holding everyone else together. Who working today can’t relate to that? What we probably can’t relate to is the hilarious folk surrounding Tina Fey’s Lemon; self-absorbed Jenna, psychotic Tracey, horny Frank.

While it needs to cut down on the guest stars, the show consistently delivers at least one line you’ll be quoting the next day.

Standout performance: Alec Baldwin as conservative boss-man Jack Donaghy. His interactions with his mother on the show’s recent Christmas special were to die for (pun intended). Honorable mention goes to Jack McBrayer’s Kenneth and Scott Adsit’s Pete.

2. Lost

As confusing and brilliant as ever, this ABC powerhouse is finally near the end and – hopefully – some answers. The island drama has raised enough questions in its five seasons to put Jeopardy! to shame but it’s also introduced some of the most complex characters and smartest storylines in television history.

Standout performance: This is like picking a favorite child: Michael Emerson as Ben, Jeremy Davies as Faraday, Terry O’Quinn as Locke, Henry Ian Cusick as Desmond, Yunjin Kim as Sun.

1. Saturday Night Live

From its spot on political satire to the consistently gut-busting Digital Shorts, Saturday Night Live has made almost as big a comeback this year as Britney Spears. Fey’s Sarah Palin, Jason Sudekis’s Joe Biden, Darrell Hammond’s John McCain and even Fred Armisen’s Barack Obama (come on, SNL: hire another black man!) kept us laughing through the election. More recently, last week’s Digital Short “Jizz in My Pants” was as catchy as a Timbaland song and as hysterical as…well, the number of us who had to explain the word “jizz” to our parents. Touche, SNL. Touche.

Standout performance: Kristin Wiig. The woman must have a personality disorder with the way she’s able to pull so many characters out of her tiny frame. Her deformed sister singing act, Junice, the overly enthusiastic Target lady and the crazy woman doing an adult braces commercial in her own bathroom are just some of what Wiig has up her sleeve.

The world just got a little less classy and a million biopic writers just picked up their pens.

Bettie Page,‚ the legendary 1950′s pin-up model, died yesterday. She was 85. Page suffered a heart attack nine days ago and went into a coma. She never woke up.

Best known for the tantalizing and provocative poses she struck for magazines like then-fledgling Playboy, Page won acclaim and outrage from the American public. With her signature shoulder-length jet-black hair and bangs, she combined naughty-and-nice into the perfect image. Page often used bondage and S&M themes in her pictorials,‚ jumpstarting the sexual revolution that was to come.

Page was and will remain an emblem of a by-g0ne time and less Photo-shopped, unrealistic image of feminine beauty and sexuality.

For Hollywood, though, this undoubtedly spells the beginning of the Page movie pitches. Gretchen Mol played her in limited release‚ and on TV in 2005′s‚ ”The Notorious‚ Bettie‚ Page.”‚ Who do you think could next‚ immortalize the‚ icon on the silver screen?

Sources have told E! Online that Rachel Weisz (of the mind-bending The Fountain) is being considered for the role of leather-loving Catwoman in the upcoming sequel to The Dark Knight. Warner Brothers isn’t officially saying anything and Christopher Nolan hasn’t made a peep about returning as director, but E reports:

Despite some recent interviews in which he down-played the possibility of returning as director again,‚ Christopher Nolan‚ (who helmed‚ Knight) will for sure be back directing the third flick, we’re assured by a production mole.‚ Christian Bale‚ will obviously rejoin his director pal, and we’re very‚ pleased to report that he’ll be playing a “sexier” Bruce Wayne.

As much as I enjoyed Weisz in The Fountain (and yes, I was minimally inebriated during my viewing), I can’t see her picking up Selina Kyle’s whip convincingly. Then again, I was a Heath Ledger nay-sayer in the beginning so what do I know? As far as a three-peat on blockbuster status for the franchise goes, I’m going to say, as long as he’s back to direct: Nolan knows best.

What do you think of the choice? Also, hit me with your best Catwoman actress suggestions?

Tom Cruise’s Blackberry has been abducted by aliens.

Or at least, that’s one theory.

The Scientology star’s little black device went missing this afternoon after a taping of Entertainment Tonight Canada in Toronto. Cruise is visiting our neighbors to the north to promote his new‚ World War II thriller,‚ ”Valkyrie.” Hollyscoop reports:

After he left the studio, his people called and asked if anyone had found a phone, but no such luck.

“A search was done, but, nada,” National Post columnist Shinan Govani reports.

Why doesn’t he just use the power of Xenu to summon it? Duh.

The three people on Earth who maybe still think the Grammys have a shred of credibility just lost faith in the awards for good.

The 2009 nominations, announced yesterday, are as laughable as the Jonas Brothers’ virginity pledges. Coincidentally, the JoBros have been nominated, alongside faux-lesbo Katy Perry, greaseball Kid Rock and wet blanket Jordin Sparks among the more ridiculous names.

Conversely, why do the Grammy voters insist on nominating the same boring people year after year? Coldplay? Really? You know how I know you’re gay, Grammys? I’m not even going to finish that joke.

Of the better choices are the catchy as hell “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga, Radiohead’s groundbreaking album “In Rainbows,” OneRepublic’s summer anthem “Apologize” and M.I.A.’s masterpiece “Paper Planes.”

One artist glaring absent from the list is Kanye West whose album “808s and Heartbreak” was an ear-pleasing, soulful deviation from his usual style. Can’t wait to hear what the notorious loudmouth has to say about the snub!

For a full list of nominees go here.

It’s been a whirlwind past few days for Brit Brit (and myself, please excuse my absence). Though I don’t have the excuse of a 90-minute MTV documentary, Christmas tree lighting or 27th birthday club bash like Ms. Spears does. Britney: For the Record aired Sunday night to 3.7 million viewers, she’s been performing places like Good Morning America and a recent concert tour has tickets selling like photos of Britney’s cooch used to. On the surface, for B things are looking up. Even ex-husband Kevin Federline is waving the white flag in the new issue of People. He says:

That’s the mother of my children. Just because I’m not in love with her doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. I’m definitely rooting for her. There’s nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

Then again, this could just be another popozao-ploy by the smooth operator himself. He better watch out. Britney’s living life like a karate kid.

The only talk personality without an actual personality has knocked up, what‚ some quick‚ Google-fu shows to be,‚ a writing intern on his “Last Call” staff.

Ex-TRL host Carson Daly, 35,‚ and his “girlfriend” Siri Pinter‚ are expecting their first child together next spring, the San Francisco Chronicle reports.

A representative for the tool star‚ said:

“Carson is thrilled to be a father and they are looking forward to an extra-special Thanksgiving this year with family and friends.”

Somewhere Tara Reid is laughing so hard she split her tummy-tuck staples.

Winehouse in better times

She’s gunnin’ hard to be the next Janis or Billie.

Singer Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital Sunday after suffering what’s being described as a “seizure,” following a fight with her just-out-of-jail soon-to-be ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, according to The Sun.

The troubled‚ singer went on a drinking and drug binge following a huge fight with her recently-rehabbed hubbie. The Sun reports that Winehouse is still in the hospital, and undergoing tests.

“It didn’t stop until she was on the floor on Sunday. She has ended up in hospital a few times after similar drink and drugs related seizures. If she carries on, one of these incidents will be her last,” the source said.

Winehouse’s spokesman confirmed that his client was indeed in the hospital, but was there for “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”

Isn’t that an overdose? So sad.

“Brooklyn” was unfortunately taken.

E! reports that Ashlee Simpson finally gave birth to the long-awaited spawn of Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz. The baby boy’s name is being reported as Bronx Mowgli Wentz, giving him the tacky as hell initials “B.M.W.”

The child may have been named after where he was concieved which I’m sure will make for great Thanksgiving dinner conversation right after the one about Mommy’s lip-synching fiasco and that time Daddy put his penis on the internet.

Skeptics and Wentz-enthusiasts maintain, however,‚ that Wentz, who‚ was born‚ the boring “Peter Wentz III,”‚ likes to screw with the media and just might be‚ monkeying around‚ about this atrocious moniker.

Let’s hope so. The kid has enough on his plate without having to outwit the King of Apes and‚ battle fire-fearing tigers.

Spotted:

#1 Designated Office hottie (Though I’ve always been a Ryan Howard‚ girl myself)‚ John Krasinski‚ majorly upgrading from fishface Renee Zellweger with Devil Wears Prada actress Emily Blunt. They make a cute pair but my guess is he’s smitten with her sweet British accent and will‚ be back with on-again, off-again ladylove Rashida Jones faster than you can say “Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.” (Source: JustJared)

#2 Josh Hartnett (who peaked with 1998′s The Faculty) and British tabloid staple Sienna Miller (who peaked on Hayden Christensen in Factory Girl. Get it? Get it?) snuggling at Chateau Marmont. For him, it’s a downgrade from one-time‚ paramour Scarlett Johansson. For her, it’s an upgrade from balding, nanny-nailing Jude Law.‚ Yawn. This coupling‚ is totally‚ neutral. (Source: People)

Looks like someone’s not drinking‚ Gossip Girls’‚  kool-aid martini.

The CW‚ sensation’s apparent apology to‚ gay fans‚ for not letting Dan and Chuck get it on that‚ time in Chuck’s limo was to offer everyone’s favorite‚ boy-loving‚ little brother, Eric Van der Woodsen (played by the adorable Connor Paulo) a spot as a series regular.

But‚ according to Entertainment Weekly, the recently-outed fan favorite turned the network down flat!

Seems little E didn’t ink the dotted line‚ because he wants to keep his options open. EW reports:

See, the deal that was put before Paolo was not for all episodes produced, or ASP as it’s called in the biz. Rather, the contract called for him to appear in only half of this season’s 25 episodes, which is about what he’s been averaging as a recurring player, anyway. So, basically, by remaining a free agent, he’s got the same gig with none of the strings attached.

“He probably didn’t want to commit to being ninth fiddle on a show,” theorizes one TV agent. “Sure, he’ll make less money, but he’s free to accept other opportunities in TV and film should they come along. It’s not a bad move if you have aspirations to do other things.”

Methinks Paolo, who off screen is straight until pics prove otherwise, didn’t want to be typecast. Maybe he wouldn’t worry so much if the writers gave him‚ steamier storylines. Like say, a Cruel Intentions-inspired‚ fling with sexy step-brother Chuck. Just sayin’.