Hi Neely,
I started Match.com about 6 months ago. For the last three months I’ve been dating a guy who I met on the site. I really like him but we haven’t had any sort of relationship talk yet. I’m not really sure where I stand. I hid my profile, because I really don’t want to see anyone else, but I’ve noticed his is still up and he checks in frequently – I can’t help but snoop to see if he’s been “active.” I want to talk to him about this but don’t want to seem pushy or freak him out. What do you think I should do?
Online dater with a dilemma, Newton
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Takeaways
- 15 seconds: This is one of the more common online dating questions. A lot of people struggle with this.
- 52 seconds: If you are seeing each other once a week or so and it’s been three months, this guy is probably not serious about you. Keep dating other guys – don’t put all your eggs in one basket with this guy.
- 1:10: A guy can like hanging out with you and dating you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he sees a future with you. Just because you feel a certain connection doesn’t mean he feels that same connection.
- 1:23: BUT if you’ve been seeing him a few times a week for three months now and you feel as though things are progressing, you have every right to know where his head is at.
- 1:43: What to do with your profile – the HUGE MISTAKE women make…tune in to see what I’m talking about.
- 2:08: The ultimate question to ask yourself and a plan of action – tune in to see what I have to say.
Neely – My girlfriends and I have all had this same experience. Your advice is right on. Women have to think like a man. Men do NOT get touchy feel-y about it. It’s not about the emotion, they are just mentally checking things out and seeing if someone sparks their interest and then after a Loooong time they get to the trust and emotional part. So, if it were not an online situation, they’d have to think about it like this – unless they’ve had the exclusivity conversation with you, or vice versa, and unless its even at that point, then everything IS FAIR GAME. There are no strings. The unfortunate thing about the match.com and jdates and all that – is the profile visibility. KEEP yours up there until the exclusivity thing comes up. Let the guy talk about it first, unless like you say – you’ve been dating for some time two or three or more times a week… then bring it up in an non-confrontational sort of way. Sort of like “I feel like we’ve been progressing, but I’m just a bit confused… and wondering if we could clarify some things…” I think women would get so much further if they could allow the testosterone within them to help them relate to men better than be confused by them. LOL
Neely,
I completely agree with your advice; she should absolutely unhide her profile! If he is treating their dating casually than she should do the same.
Of all of your advice and comments, most women need to hear that men are capable of dating for “fun” with no intention of it evolving into a meaningful relationship. I don’t see this as a negative trait in men; however, it may be a trait that many women may not completely understand or be comfortable with.
Great Post and Fabulous Advice!
Neely, I think your advice is right on – the person should continue to have her online profile up and continue to see other people, because it’s obvious this guy isn’t that serious about her. It’s also important she should sit down with him and talk honestly about it.
As for me personally – this would have never flown with me. I was always abundantly clear about what I was looking for in a relationship (marriage) right at the beginning and very honest about how I felt. IMO, 3 months is definitely long enough to know if you want to get serious with someone or not and this guys choice is obviously NOT. I would have moved on by now.
I think it’s pretty clear if someone’s profile is still active that he’s still playing the field.
Hi! I approached a guy about this recently, and he told me he did not like that I was “stalking” his online dating profile. It definitely made me feel badly about mentioning it, so I would advise her to avoid mentioning Match.com at all if she goes to approach him. That’s the benefit of hiding your profile – if you have any tendencies to check out his, he doesn’t need to see that you’re viewing him every week or whatever. But, honestly, I think she should date other men and try to disentangle herself from him unless he’s more committal.
Hi Reader,
Thanks for your feedback!
Depends on how long you had been dating him. If you’d only been dating for a few weeks and brought it up, I can see how he’d be a bit defensive. But if you two had been dating for a few months or so on a regular basis and his profile is not only still up but frequently active then OF COURSE you’d feel compelled to mention it to him and want to know where his head is at. But yes, you make a good point: The woman who wrote to me doesn’t have to mention Match necessarily; she can simply ask him in a non-judgemental way where he sees the relationship going.
Neely