Blast - Affair of the mouse - The Online Magazine

This is a Blast Magazine enterprise piece.

From an actual Internet Conversation:

BOSTONCHIC:
What’s up for tonight? Any plans? Any idea how Friday looks for lunch?

MUSTANGXX:
Friday ain’t gonna work. I promised my wife I’d go into town with her tomorrow night to go to dinner with some of her friends.

BOSTONCHIC:
I understand about tomorrow. Let me ask you a question though and be totally honest, ok babe? Would you rather scrap the idea about meeting altogether? I feel like I’m badgering you.

MUSTANGXX:
Of course I want you to keep harassing me about getting together!!! Because one of these days, when the time is right, I’m going to absolutely surprise you and show up! I promise

Dana, also known as “BostonChic,” pulls her red Jeep onto a side street next to her South Boston apartment. “It’s nearly impossible to get this good of parking at night,” she said, turning off the engine. Jacketless in November, she walks through the dark alley surrounded by mist and has her key ready when she reaches the front door.

Inside, the hallway smells of potpourri, powder and perfume. The light blue walls and twig wreath hanging on a nail on the front door are comforting signs of home. Keys still in hand, Dana unlocks her door and steps into a small but cozy, modern-deco apartment. She kicks her blue Crocs off in front of the stove, revealing a festive red pedicure–fit for the holiday season–and puts on a pot of coffee. Homemade corn bread sits on the wooden cutting block and she cuts two thick slices.

The picture of domesticity, she takes a seat at the kitchen table, pulls up the sleeves of her gray sweater and blows on her coffee to cool it. Later, after she’s settled in and calmed down from a hectic day working in downtown Boston, Dana will curl her legs under her on the couch, pop open her black laptop and continue a chat she started earlier that day with one of the married men she’s having sex with. There’s been X and Y and Z. Lately, she’s been thinking about adding Q. But tonight, she’s got her sights on her favorite, a man she calls K.

BOSTONCHIC:
Thank you so much for coming out and having lunch with me K. It was great meeting you after all this time. I’m looking forward to getting together again.

MUSTANGXX:
Hey sexy. Thanks for having me down. I had a great time, I’m sorry it took this long for us to finally get together. I can’t wait to do it again….

Thirty-eight-years-old and single, Dana is a savvy Internet guru when it comes to finding what she wants online: sex, especially with married men. Jaded from the dating world and countless first meetings gone awry, many people have turned to the Internet as the quickest and easiest method to fulfill physical needs without the strings.

With a temporary, self-imposed dating ban, Dana is simply looking online for companionship and someone with whom she could spend a few secret hours every once in a while. And the Internet has made her search for hassle-free, no-fuss sex easily.

“It’s convenient,” she admitted. “I don’t have time to go to a bar or a club and pick someone up.”

Using the Internet is how she became involved with her current married lover, MUSTANGXX, a 29-year-old, athletic, attractive and “happily” married man. They met online, when Dana posted on the Internet database Craigslist under Boston’s “casual encounters”- a collection of posts from locals looking to hook-up and get together, mostly for sex.

Between e-mail, instant messaging and surfing match sites, online hook-ups have become a popular alternative to going out to a bar on a Friday night, or suffering a “set up” by friends. The twist is, it’s no longer just singles looking to make a love match. K was only one of the 700 responses Dana received after her post:

Are you unsatisfied at home, and looking for something on the side? Though perhaps sporadic, something regular, with a woman who can be a friend, confidante, lover, listener who accepts you with no questions asked and puts no demands on you? I can be that woman for you - I have had several such relationships.

“Married sex often goes vanilla,” Dana said about men who look for affairs. “At first it’s good and it’s frequent, but after kids and school projects and jobs, the sex tends to get boring and not as often.” Dana happens to offer a variety of flavors with her appeal laying in her willingness to serve the most animalistic needs and urges. Her lack of inhibitions both on the net and in the bedroom is too tempting to resist – and she’s all too accessible to scratch a married man’s sexual itch because of the Internet.

Dana sees it this way: cheating spouses are entitled to an instant gateway into their fantasy worlds. Because these relationships start with a keyboard, computer screen and a mouse, people looking to step outside their relationship can have it now, not later, and not next week. And with cyber chats, webcams and the ability to arrange secret, safe meetings through sites like Craigslist or AffairMatch, they have all they need to make it work.

Surrounded by friend and family photos in her living room, Dana checks her Yahoo! inbox, waiting for K to come online. “He hasn’t responded back yet,” she said.

The wait is all part of the game and the thrill. The adrenaline rush has proven to be one of the biggest turn-ons for cyber affairs, and while some married men and women suffer from guilt, it hasn’t stopped them from pursuing affairs or using the Internet to help them reach the end goal: sexual satisfaction. It took almost two years for K to get over his “guilt” before making his relationship with Dana physical last August. Now they see each other on a weekly to bi-weekly basis for lunch, picnics and a little afternoon delight.

Guilt is a one-way street for Dana. She rarely thinks about the “other woman”-the wife-and never feels guilty after adding another married man to her bullpen. At the end of the day, she’s looking online for sex, and she has no regrets about that. “You know, that’s their problem,” Dana says about men who look for sex outside of their marriage. “I’m single, I can do whatever I please. I don’t have any guilt over this. I put it out there, but ultimately it’s the men who write back. I’m just providing something they’re seeking out.”

A Cyber World

Computers and the Internet have become an integrated part of modern day life: online shopping, keeping in touch with old friends, and now cyber affairs are available instantly and at people’s fingertips. With an all-access pass to the World Wide Web and countless sex sites, people looking for a little fun on the side can cast a wide net when searching for affairs. The darkest, deepest sexual fantasy can be discussed, explored, and performed virtually – and all under a disguised identity.

“There’s a kind of excitement for me to anonymous sex and to connecting with people totally around sexual desires. That’s a turn-on all its own,” wrote Jay Neycan in an e-mail.

Neycan who has been married for six years, refused to give his real name, but says he works for a Boston newspaper and has been scrolling through the sex ads on Craigslist for nearly two months. There are a few reasons why he likes the idea of finding an online affair, the first being the anonymity, which he sees as being both a turn-on and a comfort. Using private e-mail accounts that his wife doesn’t know about, Neycan is able to chat with women away from his wife’s watchful eye. The second reason is the direct conversations that take place online. Connecting to a person via a screen name or e-mail address allows people to be more frank and blunt in their speech, and in what they want from a sexual partner.

“The third reason,” Neycan wrote, “is there is just something exciting about the forum, about the release of inhibitions. On the Internet you can be whoever you are without fear of rejection.”

Rejection plays a big role in the personalities of cheaters. Judy Silverstein, a Boston sex therapist, believes that men and women who seek online encounters generally suffer from some kind of social disorder. “The Internet is very rewarding and self-gratifying, which reinforces the attraction to it for people who are very lonely. Lonely people find a connection online and it fulfills a social and emotional need that very often goes with other issues such as depression or social anxiety,” said Silverstein.

Men and women who suffer from shy personalities can go online and become aggressive sex-seekers. They can talk dirty, ask for racy photos, and be a person they could never be in real life. This new “freedom of speech” encourages normally timid people to release their inhibitions in a forum where they feel safe and are surrounded by others who have the same desires and fantasies.

“It’s all about instant gratification,” said Howard Mathisen, a sex therapist. “It’s fantasy, and fantasy is always better than reality. There’s just that excitement that comes with it.”

Simply signing into a chat room gives cheaters access to a variety of people, a unique community who share the same ideas of how to fulfill a sexual need. The cyber community can fill a niche all its own that is hard to find in real life. Knowing that they aren’t alone, cheaters give other cheaters a boost of confidence to go through with seeking out affairs. The chat rooms and message boards also give cheaters a chance to interact with their “dream girl/guy,” and that’s not necessarily physically – many married men and women seek emotional online affairs in addition to the kinky stuff.

Trading daily e-mails tends to form a certain kind of friendship, and later, feelings of trust and mutual attraction. Suddenly, boring lives seem exciting and new, a throwback to the days of high school, when love and sex were fresh and went hand-in-hand. However, more experts are seeing that what may have started out as a feel-good online affair is often turning into a real life situation where computer keys are replaced with hands, and monitors replaced mouths.

“A lot of times it starts out innocent,” said Silverstein. “People enjoy the connection and it seems like intimacy, even though it’s not, because it’s safe and protective, but eventually it can and does lead to things like phone conversations and talking in person.”

According to MenStuff, an Internet national resource guide specializing in men’s issues, a recent study reported 50 percent of people have made phone contact with someone they met online and 38 percent have engaged in explicit conversations online. There’s also strong evidence linking online infidelity to real world infidelity. For married men and women who believe the grass is always greener, cyber affairs are very tempting because emotional and physical fantasies seem all too real and within their grasp. In addition, these attachments often lead to a build up of desires and pent up frustration encouraging both parties to indulge in a real life interaction.

With the lines blurring between fantasy and reality, online affairs are steadily becoming more damaging to marriages than real life affairs. Connecting virtually and judging by words alone creates a false sense of confidence and encourages cheaters to confide, not only sexual desires, but personal feelings and thoughts that they may not have shared with their significant other.

“Many times a man or woman will share intimate details about their personal lives, and share a part of themselves with some else that they haven’t shared with their husband or wife,” said Sheri Stritof, a psychologist and relationship columnist for About.com. “They want to make that connection with someone that they haven’t been able to before and the Internet makes it easy because you don’t know exactly who you are talking to on the other side.”

Stritof often deals with cyber cheating in her column that she co-writes with her husband, Bob, also a psychologist. She says she receives countless e-mails about cyber cheating and online affairs from the cheaters themselves–many of whom don’t see it as cheating. Justifying and rationalizing are two things cheaters have become reknown for. The Internet has only made it easier for people seeking a little fun on the side to remove any feelings of guilt or wrongdoing because it’s online, and not real life–at least at the start.

Neycan, who has kept his affairs strictly cyber–for now–admits he has no guilt, “Everybody has secrets, even from a spouse, but cyber sex is barely more than cheating in actual terms.”

Mathisen believes that even strictly cyber affairs are cheating. If the affair ever leaked out the marriage would be in serious trouble-or even over-but he does say that every relationship has its own definition of cheating, and what it means to the individuals in that relationship.

“It’s relative who decides what’s cheating,” he says. “Look at Bill Clinton, he says that wasn’t cheating. It’s a subjective thing. I think if the person is afraid to tell the partner what’s going on, then it’s cheating.”

Hiding online conversations or lying about whereabouts are often signs of guilt and wrongdoing. If a married spouse cannot share the details of a relationship with their significant other, more times than not, it’s because cheaters know their partners will be upset and feel a sense of betrayal – severely damaging their marriage. Even cheaters who keep it completely virtual take great pains in covering their tracks, often having more than one screen name on several different online messaging programs, and creating e-mail accounts on free domains such as Yahoo and Hotmail. The paranoia of getting caught causes cheaters to go to great lengths to hide their infidelity, even going as far as purchasing a separate cell phone, apart from the family plan, to have phone sex.

Over time however, guilt tends to fade, and cheaters find their own ways to justify their cyber relations, convincing themselves the affairs are less of a problem than they actually are, and lying to themselves about the status of their marriage.

A breakdown in communication usually comes from a combination of financial problems, children, and work/home related stress. The hectic pace of life can leave married men and women feeling alone and invisible to their spouse. Chatting online with someone who doesn’t have these responsibilities allows cheaters to become visible and human again–putting their needs and wants first. The biggest draw of an online relationship is the ability to “live out” the fantasy of what life was like before kids and a mortgage–with no compromise and no commitment.

A volatile investment

Relationships are among the biggest personal investments one can make. They demand a huge leap of faith and a large dose of trust that some aren’t willing to give–especially in a high-tech world where cheating has become more accessible, and a likely scenario. Much like a credit check before lending money or getting a home inspection before purchasing a house, men and women across the nation are now doing virtual background checks and keeping tabs on spouses with private investigators, computer spy software, and ironically, using their main nemesis–the Internet.

WomanSavers is the largest database for spouses, mainly wives, to deal with their husbands’ infidelity–although men post on the boards too. The creator, Stephany—who gives only her first name because of the threats she receives because of the site—wanted to construct a safe heaven for men and women dealing with cheating spouses.

WomanSavers was created in response to websites like AffairMatch, AshleyMadison, and AdultDiscreet – sites that provide married men and women direct contact with singles or other attached parties to chat or meet up. There are over 8 million sex sites that target the married or attached audience looking to cheat and these Web sites make having an affair seem easily, all about great sex, and having little repercussions.

Stephany knows differently, having been in an abusive and hurtful relationship in the past. “I experienced various forms of abuse as a child and as an adult and decided it was time to stop being hurt and start doing something to prevent further abuse for others – and I knew there could be a way through technology,” Stephany wrote in an e-mail correspondence.

Her site has grown to be one of the most popular for women to post about their experiences and, within hours, receives advice from women in similar situations, and also receive free medical and psychotherapy counseling.

“WomanSavers.com is famous for teaching women tricks on how to catch a cheater and there is an entire section [on the site] dedicated to that,” wrote Stephany. “The site is extremely popular to post about cheaters and lying and abusive men. There are tens of thousands of men currently listed.”

Another solution for cyber cheating is hiring a private investigator. Mark Chauppetta is one of the best PIs in Massachusetts. For $75 dollars an hour plus expenses, Chauppetta and his team will run surveillance, stake outs and take photos for clients.

“You’ll find a lot of people are unhappy in their marriage and go to find people through MySpace or dating services,” said Chauppetta. “Computers, within the last five years or so, have become a tip-off for a lot of my clients because they’ll notice something on the family computer. People get lazy and sloppy and that’s when they get caught.”

The paranoia of meeting somebody online and cheating has grown so intense that Chauppetta will meet clients who are just starting a relationship that come to him for background checks and surveillance – just to be on the safe side. Many men and women who have been burned in past relationships aren’t willing to put it all on the line again until they have hard, solid proof that the person they are dating is legitimate, with no online secret identities or mistresses’ hiding in the closet.

Many are of the philosophy to trust a partner until given evidence or an inkling that the trust has been abused before going to a PI or website; however, those who have been cheated on in the past prefer to know everything up front, having experienced the pain and the expenses associated with being in a serious relationship.

“Nowadays, divorce and marriage are pricey and if you have to jump into a serious commitment given the world we live in, it’s smart to collect intelligence on people, as sneaky and shady as it sounds. It’s a good idea,” said Chauppetta.

Chauppetta doesn’t use the Internet on many domestic cases because he believes good old-fashioned PI work gets the best results, but not everybody can afford to hire someone to follow a cheating spouse. Spector Software has provided an in-home solution for people who suspect their husband or wife is cheating. They’ve created a program, eBlaster, that can be installed on any computer and will take snapshots of the websites checked and also create a list of domains and pages that are visited. The software, once used by businesses to track employees’ web surfing habits, has now become a popular method for tracking cheaters.

“The monitor hides very well on a computer. There’s no icon and it’s not listed in the tasks manager,” explained Steve Grohol, who works in technical support at Spector. “You can even hide it in other programs.”

For many, these solutions come too late. According to Chauppetta, his clients usually know about the affair before they even come to him, but use his groundwork at closure. “Very rarely am I breaking the news to somebody that their husband or wife is cheating. By the time they come to me, they are emotionally detached and the marriage is ruined.”

Standards

Back in South Boston, Dana confided over coffee that she thinks K is adding to his own bullpen of lovers. That poses a problem, as Dana is looking for a two-women kind of guy. Two years after their affair began, K replied to one of Dana’s anonymous Craigslist posts–a post where she requested responses only from men who did not have a current mistress–something that disqualifies K.

Dana says she confronted K about it and he tried to play if off as a joke, yet she can’t help but feel hurt and upset by the thought that K is cheating on her.

“It’s stupid, I know he’s a cheater,” she said. “I keep that e-mail he sent in my inbox, to always remind me of what he is: a cheater.”

This is a surprising reaction from the woman who has walked K through the entire cheating process, from online chats, to lunch dates, to sex. And what started out as a need to get laid has brought Dana into an emotional relationship, which was something she was trying to avoid, especially with a man who cheats on her. And K has no plans on stopping his cyber affairs–even now with a baby on board. Only weeks ago K’s wife announced that she is pregnant with their first child. Since the news dropped, K hasn’t brought up ending the affair with Dana, and the two continue to see each other as much as possible.

Her disappointment with K, however, has not stopped Dana from having sex with other married men. There’s a powerful lure in sleeping with another woman’s man, and she enjoys holding the upper hand–although her experiences with K have shown that she does not, in fact, hold the winning cards. For K their relationship is just sex and he can find that anywhere online, while for Dana it’s an investment that has gone sour.

Lounging on the couch, Dana notices it’s 8 o’clock and time for her favorite TV shows, “Two and A Half Men” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” During commercial breaks she shows some of the other e-mails men have sent her in response to her latest post, including M, a 31-year-old attorney looking to have a long-term affair. In an e-mail to Dana he wrote: “I am with someone that I truly love, but with whom I very rarely get any level of sexual fulfillment. I am not a Mimbo… I’ve thought long and hard about this decision and I do not want to be unsafe in practice nor in numbers.”

Dana is considering adding M to her list of lovers. She flips through several other e-mails and shares one of her favorites from K, a sweet note letting her know that he missed her this weekend and smooth talking his way back into her bedroom.

That’s the thing about cyber cheaters: They hide behind a screen and type a few simple words, an apology, and a promise not to do it again, and are back in the cheating business. K has convinced Dana that he is sincere in his feelings toward her, and that he’s committed to their relationship– a lie she believes knowing K will continue to respond to sex ads and use the Internet to cyber cheat not just on Dana, but on his wife.

MUSTANGXX:
Hey sexy, when I was reading the ad, I thought that might be you. Don’t worry darling, I’m not trying to replace you, that would be impossible. I’m honestly not looking to replace you, and I could never get sick of you.

Meghan Gargan is a Blast Magazine staff writer

In Enterprise Articles, Features on March 1, 2007 at 04:54